#i feel safe with ewan as my jesus | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rescuedbyjesus · 5 years ago

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Random Notes

24 April 2020

Day 40 na ng Enhanced Community Quarantine. And Covid19 is still here, plaguing the world. Pero salamat pa din sa Diyos kasi safe kami ng family ko and all my friends. Of course, prayers sa mga pasyente ng Covid. Hoping and praying that this pandemic will be over soon. Sweep it away God.

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For the past 37 days, our squad has been doing bible studies. We started with Hebrews then we had Romans, then we had 1st Peter and now we are discussing about relationships and being single and being married. Itong huling topic is not much something I am Comfortable with but this is an important topic for most of us in our community group. I think we all need this wisdom from the Lord on relationships and married life. Sobrang importante. Most especially personally since ako mismo had been from 4 failed relationships. I feel like not a credible one to discuss the topic but thank you Lord for sustaining us all throughout. Lalo na sa mga rebukes, paalala ni Lord to always give us the right perspective. Thank you Jesus for our small community of faith na nag aalign sa amin palagi to the right path and of course sa Word po ninyo.

******

Also tonight, isa sa mga anak anakan ko ang balak na atang magjowa. Coincidentally, our short chat is related to the Bible study topic kanina so I think, naliwanagan naman sya. But my dearly beloved spiritual son, I pray for discernment for you and focus on what truly matters for now. All the best for you dude!

*******

Kaloy has fever and he loves alone. Lord guide the kid and may he be healed soon sa trangkaso nya. I thank this guys for always being the first one na mangamusta at makaramdam if I'm not okay. He's a real dude. And op kors my brother Leandro who also never fails to check me out. They are reminders that somebody cares for me too.

Well because recently, I have this not so good feelings again. Na I feel like nobody cares for me, I am not a person worth caring for, ewan ko since Jen and I split almost three years ago, I always have this feeling na na iiwanan ako lagi. So yeah, I feel like anyone will just leave me. That feeling is not really good. I know I have hundreds of friends who care about me too. Maybe it's just me not too much trusting the Lord. So yeah, I need to really get up on my feet and do things right and not have my emotions get the best of me. Kailangan talaga focus and just do what I have to do.

So now, I feel much better now actually. Well, we can never be perfectly ok naman dito sa mundo but as long as we keep the faith in God, everything will be bearable. Salamat Lord.

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So I left the FB Convo with some of my Friends and colleagues. Tampo lang naman. I feel like I am not being heard. Or just my mental health now going down because of this super extended stay at home situation. They had me back sa GC but I don't feel good about it yet so yeah I am taking my time off with them and sort things out muna for myself.

*******

Speaking of the extended lockdown, And since the net is showing some good signs, I have to really go back now to writing my dissertation proposal. Graduate School can wait no more. Kailangan na talaga harapin.

*******

So Lord God, my prayers tonight are

1. Please keep us safe from Covid 19.

2. Provisions for my friends Lord God especially sa mga kaibigan ko po na medyo kapos na sa Finances

3. Send more help. Sa aming fund raising projects

4. Health of Nicole's parents, and basically all. Our parents. Ingatan nyo po sila Panginoon lalonna s amga frontliners naming kapamilya.

5. Prayer for my heart Lord. Pagod na Lord. Help me to get on with life Lord.

6. Thank God for everything.

In JESUS name, Amen.

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dreamgirlproject-blog · 3 years ago

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BELIEVE

Tonight is one of those sentimental nights you usually try to avoid.... you seated quietly as the old love songs continue to empty the night. I just finished writing in my journal yet I still decided to type here. So many things have happened in the past five years. It’s funny how people answer “same, same, ganun pa rin or walang bago, whenever asked by a friend how they have been wherein reality, nothing really remains the same. Everything changes, after all change is the only thing that remains constant in this world.

Five years have passed, yet when I ask myself now, I know deep down inside I’d still say yes..... all this time, I will still say yes. Nakakatawa, pero never ko to sinasabi sa iba. Sapat na yung alam ko sa sarili ko. Di naman kailangan lahat ishare sa mundo. Totoo yung Nothing’s gonna change my love for you na isa sa favorite songs ko for him. Ganoon ata talaga pag nagmahal ka ng totoo. Time is just a factor but it will never change what was built, what was there... unless of course your heart recognizes a new one. Not just a new one... but the one who will make you forget about it all. The one that will make you understand why things never worked out between you two.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no longer in pain, I am no longer waiting and I no longer hope it’s him. I no longer do so because I have learned to be friends with time. It has taught me a lot if things which includes forgiving myself and others and being honest with ones feelings. It helped me heal my wounds, understand and love myself more and lastly it has taught me to explore the parts of me I never knew of. I am no longer expecting because aside from I got used to it over time, I don’t want to confuse God and make Him alter His plans for me. I just believe that His plans are greater than ours and is always the BEST.

With all these things being said and me doing good... feeling ko pag nakita ko siya baka mayakap ko pa rin siya bigla. Alam mo yung feeling na nakita mo yung tao ng miss na miss mo. Kahit di mo naman iniisip lalabas yung pananabik mo pag nakita mo siya. Bigla-bigla na lang mararamdaman mo yung mga bagay na matagal mo ng binaon sa limot. Bigla-bigla na lang makakalimutan mo ang lahat ng nangyari, maiisip mo lang ayan na siya, asa harapan mo. Siguro maiiyak na lang ako sa surge of emotions ko. Ewan ko. Hindi ko sure. Pero yun yung naiimagine ko. Or baka manigas ako bigla habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya then slowly maalala ko lahat ng masasayang nakaraan namen..... or baka manumbalik yung sakit. whatever it is, alam ko aalon. Aalon ng malakas sa loob ng puso’t isip ko.

I don’t really know when I will be able to love again or maybe I never really stopped. Ayoko munang i-overanalyze..... I just know that God has something in store for me... malay ko ba kung si Jimin talaga yung para sakin diba? di na masama. Sino ba naman ako para umangal pa.

Lord, thank you for everything. Thank you for keeping my family and my loved ones safe. Thank you for continuously blessing us despite of our shortcomings. You never fail us Lord. Thank you for making both ends meet. Thank you for creating unlimited opportunities for us, for surprising us with your gifts. Thank you for blessing me and my family and allowing us to share to others through your blessings. Forgive us for all of our sins. Guide us and lead us to the right path as we journey through this life. The world may be uncertain but your love remains. Help us to become a better person, use our life Oh Lord. May we find the meaning of life, our purpose. I don’t know what the future holds but help me to make the most out of life. Grant me courage, strength and ability to accept things I cannot change. May I receive your gifts, your plans at the right time. May I have the heart to accept it gracefully and responsibly. Lord, I pray for a long and healthy life for my parents, siblings and family. Please keep us safe. Please send my love to auntie mary, auntie divina, lucho, uncle dondin, kuya ruel, kela lolo and lola, waray and all those i failed to mention. Please let al our family, relatives and friends away from us feel our love and warm embrace.....In this we ask in you most holy name, Jesus Chirst, Amen.

#INGODSTIME

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djxvc · 5 years ago

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twenty nineteen

A year that was full of first times, new experiences, going out of comfort zones, fears, taking risks, breakdowns, pressures, failures, frustrations, worships, unexpected blessings, and different adventures that I believe made me a stronger person by this time. Twenty nineteen was just so different from the past years because this was the book where the chapters are full of different kind of Dianne taking risks, involving to things I do not even imagine myself to do and just basically exploring what more can I do. The year that I met a playful, weird, and complicated Dianne.

Beginning

I was so hyped to start my 2019. As in sobra, that time sabi ko sa sarili ko less drama, goodvibes lang lagi at ienjoy ang bawat araw ng 2019. I started my year na punong puno yung love tank ko. I was so happy being a regular attendee ng feast, and I am just so proud of myself na grabe pala nagawa kong umattend ng feast ng mag-isa knowing myself na kapag walang kasama sobrang takot ako. I am proud of myself na nakita ko na lang yung sarili ko na naging bahay ko na yung feast. Maybe its a proof na I’m going there for Jesus, I’m excited every saturday because that is the time where I feel safe and secured, a time where I can recharge and took some time with God alone. All that can I say is that my faith was very strong in starting my year. In this chapter, madali akong nabigo sa goal ko na less drama. Bigo din sa pag fangirl sa Lany. Nakakatawa balikan lahat ng tweets ko. I was so busy with training at acads sinabayan pa ng practice ng festival at plano kung saan ba talaga ako magssenior high pero at the end this chapter sums up with how positive I am sa pagtingin sa bawat bagay na ginagawa ko. It maybe not the best start, but I can say its better than before?

Memorable

Second Chapter was just so memorable. I will never forget how iconic our TEREstival was. February was the time na pinaggdadsal namin na sana bumagal yung mga araw dahil isang buwan na lang ang natittira na magkakasama kami. The Festival was our bonding time. Until now, I am still very proud sa kinalabasan ng performance namin na hindi naging madali dahil sa dami ng pinagdaanan namin bago magawa lahat ng yun. Mga panahong after class kahit maraming school works diretso practice, na kahit may exams kailangan maging dedicated sa pag practice, practice na inaabot ng alas diyes ng gabi, may mga umiyak, gustong magquit, napagod, nagkaaway pero all of that paid off when we received the first place. Noong panahon na nagpperform kami, I was literally enjoying the moment, habang sumasayaw ramdam ko na na eto na yung huli, sobrang solid ng moment na yun lalong lalo na yung pagsigaw namin sa dulo ng “Ito ay taos pusong ala’y namin kay poong Santo Nino! Ariba ariba Pit Senor!” Hinding hindi ko rin makakalimutan na pagkatapos ng contest, naiwan kaming lahat sa gym, formed our circle at ginawa ang typical o ritwal na sinasabi nila na ginagawa namin before and after contest. Praying and thanking God for the talent and bond He has given us. That moment was just so gold. After ng pass the energy, we started to cry and hug each other. After all the hardships at pagod we made it. Eto yung plot twist ng 2019 ko. Isa pang moment na nakakaproud ay yung pagsali namin sa PCS Got Talent. Grabe lang talaga yung TERESA. It has been a jumpacked february. And share ko lang yung tweet ko that month na lahat nagsisimula sa isip mo lang (which helped me to stay positive kahit anong mangayri.)

Reality

March came and reality hits me. Magkakaalaman na sino ang matibay, sino ang natira sa honors. Kaunting flashback lang, grade 9 days sobrang gulo ko. Bumagsak ang grades, nagkagulo sa mga kaibigan and then I met Nutdo. Being surrounded by them changed me. Dati I am settled sa bagay na basta nagawa na oks na yan, yung average lang ganun kasi iniisip ko na di ko naman kaya yung tulad nila na nakakaabot ng recognition kasi eto lang ako. When I met them naging turning point ko din yun na maging motivated sa pag-aaral. Sabi ko nung pinanood ko sila sa recognition, next year ako din, makakasama ko na sila jan sa stage. Dahil sa kanila I pushed myself sa mga bagay na dati akala ko hindi ko kaya. Sabi nga “lahat nagsisimula sa isip mo lang.” Sobrang kabado ko sa mga araw na palapit ng palapit yung araw na sasabihin kung sino yung mga natira sa honors, and luckily I’m part of it. During moving up sobrang nagflashback sa akin yung recognition last year na nanonood lang ako sa mga kaibigan ko na sinasabitan ng medal pero eto ako ngayon one year later sinasabitan na din ako ng medal kasama sila. After moving up, another reality came, magkakahiwalay na kami, magkakaiba na ng path na tatahakin, and new environment will welcome us. Sobrang takot ako mag senior high kasi eto na yun eh, start na ng pag build ng sarili ko sa profession na gusto ko in the future at isa pa ay yung pag decide kung saan akong school mag-aaral. I wanted to stay sa PCS pero gusto ng parents ko sa PUP or UMAK kasi wala ng babayarang tuition at makakatulong yun sa kanila pero ako hindi ko parin alam kung gusto ko ba talaga lumipat. It was so hard thinking about my decision. Gusto kong makatulong kila mama pero still alam ko na may advantage ako kapag sa PCS ako nag-aral. I have too much trust na bibigyan ako ng mas quality na education sa PCS kaso nga lang di na kaya ng pero kaya mas naging kumplikado. I was also blessed when I started serving in media ministry.

Rest

Isang buwang pahinga. Ang pagpunta lang ata sa Star City ang nagawa kong productive sa buwan na to but it was a great day. Sobrang solid lang.

Reflect

May was the time na nagkaroon ako ng time para magreflect. Its Camp Calye season. Nakapasa din ako sa PUP pero gulong gulo parin talaga ako. This years’ camp I had #AgilaAsul. Grabe tong camp na to, I was expecting na same lang yung first camp ko sa camp ngayon but it didn’t. This camp I experienced to become a hands on ate as in. Sobrang solid ng experience ko ngayon lalo na yung habang nagluluto nagiisip din ng anong kakaibang gagawin sa ENight grabe yun sobrang solid. I also didn’t expect na hahakot yung grupo namin ng awards, after 4 days with the agila people, nakakaproud na nakakatuwa na I met these people. Also hindi ko makakalimutan na sobrang iba din talaga at the best ang lg and deep talks sa gabi most especially ang ministry time na puno ng iyakan. Sobrang naffeel ko yung presence ni Lord sa mga taong kasama ko. So bakit ako nakangiti habang tinatype to HAHAHAHHA isasama ko pa ba yun? Sige na nga pagbigyan tutal pinangiti mo naman ako ngayong taon (joke HAHAHA) After camp I was inspired by one person kasi wala ewan ko iba yung dating niya sa akin yun lang naman. Isa din sa mga purpose ng camp is to choose a life you’ll embrace at kasabay nito this was the time na I think about my situation sa pagpili ng school since ang desisyon na gagawin ko ang magiginng buhay ko. I was given a chance to open it to other people para naman hindi ako mabaliw kakaisip na ako lang and it helped A LOT. Day after May 1, officially I am still a PCSian. This camp din masaya ako na hindi lang ako naka stick sa grupo ko, na tuwa ako sa sarili ko na may nakausap ako an hindi ko ka team knowing me sobrang mahiyain. At isa pa yung pagsasalita ko sa harap ng campers at leaders, yung pagiginng involved sa surprise sa mga leader isa din yun sa memorable na nangyari, yung tipong hindi ko alam pano magtatago sa madaling araw para gumawa ng certificate at tshirt pati na rin yung biglaang pa speech na sabi ni Justin sa akin. That was a great experience. Also, failed na namana ang pag fan girl ko sa KathNiel pero Maximum and Shutters Seminar happened kaya super blessed pa din.

Restart

Sobrang takot ako magsimula ang klase kasi bagong environment, iilang tao lang ang kakilala ko sa room, nasanay ako na bagong school year sila at sila ulit mga kaklase ko ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ang ieexpect ko. It was a fun start pero parang sa isang iglap nasayo lahat ng atensyon at reponsibilidad. I was overwhelemed with the feeling na alam mong mag standout ka sa klase (hindi sa pagmamayabang, its what I just felt). On the other hand, yun ang kinakapitan ko kasi pinangako sa parents ko na itutuloy ko ang scholarship hanggang grade 12 basta pagbigyan nila ako na magstay sa PCS. I know I took a risk there pero naniwala ako sa sarili ko na kakayanin ko kasi nagawa ko nung grade 10 bakit hindi ko ulitin at mas pagbutihin ngayon.

Workload

July was the start of all the responsibilities and more school works and I admit that I ready have a bad study habits but on the other hand I still manage to maintain my grades kahit na napaka tamad mo dianne. Honestly, hindi mawawala yung icompare ko talaga yung section ko ngayon sa Teresa siguro kasi masyado ako na attatched sa kanila, but being in a new environment somehow helped me to do things na di ko nagagawa kapag nandun ako sa comfort zone ko. It somehow helped me to become more confident. I also committed poor decisions pero still I believed everything happens for a reason.

Open

August at unti-unti ko ng nakikilala ang mga kaklase ko. I wanted to become more open, yung makaka biruan nila pero hindi ko alam bakit kapag dating sa akin takot sila. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o malulungkot kasi isa rin naman sa gusto ko ay yung maging magaan ang loob sa akin ng mga kaklase ko. I tried my best to reach out to them pero ewan ko siguro nakikita nila ako as a sobrang seryosong tao na hindi naman talaga, may topak din minsan. This was also the timena na na misinterpret ako. Naranasan ko ng nakaasa sila lahat sa akin, mabigat yun para sa akin kasi dati sanay lang ako na may ibibigay na trabaho sa akin at yun ang gagawin ko ngayon ang hirap maging tao na magaasikaso sa anong aasikasuhin ng iba. In just one snap biglang boom kailangan mong maging hands on.

Unwanted

Pakiramdam ko na napapabayaan ko na yung sarili ko, I just prayed for maintaining my grades sa birthday ko ang napaka bait talaga ni Lord na ibigay niya yun sa akin. Another chance was given to me kaya sobrang pinagpursigihan ko. Pagsabayin ang training at acads medjo nakakabaliw lalo pang naging komplikado dahil sa mga instances na basta nagpakomplikado. Masayaa ako na may mga kaklase ako na handang tumulong at nakikita ko rin yung effort para makatulong. Minamaliit nila section namin but we proved to them na may ibubuga din kami sa Innofashion. I was not there nung na awardan sila pero bago pa ako umalis ng araw na yun alam ko na may makukuha kami at God’s grace our hard work paid off. Failed din ako sa pag fangirl sa the 1975 hayst kailan kaya? Ok lang nakilala ko naman SB19 AHHAHAHHA.

Different

Sobrang special ng october sa akin kasi this was when I had a chance to have a LG with homo peeps. Sobrang solid makilala sila, since that day I knew them more and respected them more kasi napagkatiwalaan nila ako sa sarili nilang kwento. That was maybe one of the most precious things I would remember with them sobrang genuine lang. Another opportunity to make a good production came, I know I did my job but not my best because I know I could have done more para manalo kami. Hindi man kami nabigyan ng award, I am happy na makita yung mga kaklase ko na natuwa nung araw na nandun kami at nakita ang kinalabasan. More room for improvements dianne in leading, makukuha mo rin yan. Hindi na talaga ata mawawala sa school year ko ang pagiyak dahil sa volleyball, so many issues, so many complications ayoko ng maulit pa.

Lost

November came when I lost my very focused self. Sa lahat ng nangyari parang na pressure ako sa mga ginagawa ko. I started to work not for myself but for others. I started to compare myself kung bakit hanggang dito lang ako, sila nakakaabot doon. Nawala lahat ng focus ko sa pag-aaral at napunta sa pag satisfy sa gusto ng iba. Sobrang nagsabay-sabay lahat kaya hindi ko namamalayan hindi na pala ako yun. I was so distracted para hindi mapansin na may mali na. I started senior high studying with a goal na matuloy-tuloy ang scholarship para sa pagpapatuloy ng pag-aaral ko dahil yun ang pinangako ko pero parang nagiging gusto ko makakuha ng mataas na grade dahil yun ang expected sa akin at para mas mapatunayan sa iba na kaya ko.

Realizations

I had a chance to talked to Justine-Mae which made me realize about things. Sobrang layo ko na sa ako nung nagsimula ang grade 11 and because of the days na I have time to be silent and to think grabe yung na realize ko. On the past few months my life revolved around acads, volleyball and constantly reminding myself to do better but babalik at babalik sa gawaing hindi ko iniisip na dapat mangyari. Months of being a grade 11 students and dami kong nagawa para sa section, nagawang mag megamall ng wala sa oras tapos takbo bgc, nagawa kong umabot ng als onse ng gabi sa bahay ng kaklase at balak pang mag sleep over, nagawa kong umiyak sa klasrum, nagawa kong sumigaw para manuway ng mga kaklase, nagawa kong mag lead ng mga productions at contests, nagawa kong sumalo ng report, at ang dami pang iba. Na lahat ng yan hindi ko naisip na magagawa ko dahil hindi yan ang dianne na kilala ko noong Junior High. Conquering a new chapter in my life was mind blowing. Ang daming nangyayari pero ngayon na nakita ko ang sarili ko ngayong taon, I would do better this year. 2019 was the year I started to learn more about living and 2020 must be the year for me to start to apply all of the lessons I learned. Lastly, I want to appreciate all of the people who stayed, came and left my life this 2019. You are all included in this book and your presence is important in every single scene for it will not resulted to the way it is if you aren’t the one who was there. Unexpected friendships, constants, and production.

Let us start a new book with more exciting chapters and plot twists on it.

-end-

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