#i feel like that one meme 'ive connected the dots' 'you didnt connect shit' 'ive connected them'

[silencingspellsongs]

every time my mind starts brewing up a theory on one storyline/character, it always leads me down a rabbit hole of needing to relisten to other videos for specific lore nuggets. like right now im on a loop of

relistening to Project Meridian > need to relisten to Sovereign State > need to relisten to Inversion (i've only gone through Inversion once and it was in my first week of listening to Redacted and let me tell you i had no clue who anyone besides David was (yeah he was the first playlist i sat down to marathon 🫣) and it still managed to completely destroy me emotionally) > need to relisten to Hush > need to relisten to Carpe Deus

Now i can't explain why yet but i've got theory-brain trying to connect these all together (especially Project Meridian and Sovereign State, i swear i heard one little thing during my Project Meridian marathon that has me all 👀👀👀 at Sovereign State) and knowing that Project Meridian and the Balance have updates coming soon really has me vibrating

[crowleys-bentley-and-plants]

the way my brain short-circuited there jesus what the hell. i fear im gonna go over the tag limit so im gonna try to order my thoughts here. (dont expect any coherent thoughts tho ive been having a headache all day lol)

ok first of all. the fuck you mean perfect response. im gonna hunt you down i swear what the actual fuck this poem read like a fucking punch to the stomach. no. i would welcome a punch to the stomach or a dagger in every inch of my body. what the fuck. but i digress. ok okay now that i think about it it does fit very well. i hate how in order to explain this fully (aka rant about it till i reach the word limit) i have to interpret my own poem and aaaa i have this rule of not doing that lol. but yes i see it. i hate it. in the best way possible.

secondly. imagine me as that meme "ive connected the dots you didnt connect shit ive connected them" because this is literally me right now except ive actually connected some dots. it may be across different canvasses(? like you know the connect the dots drawing well it might be two completely different drawings but i did connect them fuck you). ok so when i first read the title it immediately made me think of Look At Me (which is such a good fucking poem too) because of how similar the titles seemed. yet they say the complete opposite. you probably did that on purpose didnt you you fucker. now im gonna think about this instead of sleep. these two poems feel like the opposites of the same coin. rejecting vs accepting. Look Away is like dont look at my wounds dont try to heal me i am beyond saving while Look At Me is the want the need even to be seen to be recognized beyond the prison that is made from your own skin. god okay my thoughts are running wild im afraid i wont be able to catch all of them. but before i dive into this more (??yea i think i have gone crazy) i wanted to say that i was thinking like how these two poems kinda mirror each other and then something hit me. it was a brick. because lately ive been obsessing over the fanart of crowley looking in a broken mirror and some of the reflections are him before the fall you know the ones right. and this really feels like that. like obviously both poems are about demon crowley but you know what i mean? like they're still opposites.

ok so here are some connections ive found (oh no here i go projecting again lol). Look Away is like an armour, like a shield, built over millennia of hurt and rejection. Look At Me is like the vulnerable side of crowley, the part of him that craves intimacy and connection. he wants to break free from his emotional armor and be truly seen and understood. im headcannoning that the prison in Look At Me is basically the poem Look Away. if that makes sense. ofc it does have i ever said something that doesnt make sense? exactly. the ending of Look Away where crowley asks aziraphale to come back shows the contradiction in his desire. he’s afraid of being hurt but also deeply longs for connection. so like in a way it's kinda hopeful? (me desperately trying to keep it all together by deluding myself that it's not as sad as it looks lmao). like. if you read first Look Away and then Look At Me it's like it reads kinda hopeful (hopeful isn't the right word dammit) because it's like a transformation crowley goes through and embraces vulnerability and the possibility of connection. like there's still a long way to go of course but still. he's healing? maybe? hopefully? (please tell me it'sgonna be okay im literally rocking back and forth in a fetus position rn)

another difference between these two poems i really like is how they both use demanding language (literally in the titles lmao) but in Look At Me it's like really direct and commanding like also more desperate because of that i guess? and the repetition of the title also adds to that. and in Look away the demanding voice is. softer? like this line "so please, look away΅ like the added 'please' why is it there yknow. the poem started out quite hostile and at the end crowley literally begs. this feels like he is showing a vulnerable side. which is aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa im so normal about that.

ok enough about these imaginary dots. i was like. dreading this part because it means reading this poem again but this time i know what it says so in a way it's like i am accepting or even welcoming the fucking emotional onslaught it brings. deep breaths. ok. so. ok i cant lmao what the actual fuck man i cannot write down my thoughts about this poem without going completely comatose. so i will share my favourite lines instead *proceeds to copy paste the entire poem * no im kidding i will try to limit myself to a couple of lines here they are:

look away and stop pretending you can fix this not even God herself could

the fucking essence of the struggle isnt it. i dont even know anymore. it's the deep-seated belief in his own brokenness. yep. it's a raw admission of defeat because if not even the most powerful being in the whole universe can fix me then who can. i mean him. fix him.

i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths

i hate you for this. honestly. the fucking acceptence of the unworthiness? how the fuck dare you. it's easier to believe you deserve nothing, it shields you from disappointment and rejection. better to reject first than be rejected right. but the fucking worst thing about this is the second line. how aziraphale's insistence on uncovering his truths feels like an invasion of his very soul. what the fuck man.

please, i don't want to hurt the only soul who's ever dared to stand this close

despite it all crowley still cares deeply. his plea (because it is a plea rather than a command..wtff) for distance is not born out of apathy or disdain, but rather from a place of fear of causing harm. beneath the layers of resistance and defiance lies a vulnerable heart. it really is a battle against himself huh against the instincts that urge him to push away those who care. hey im totally fine

okay well there is really one more thing left to say. i will never forgive you for that ending. what in the eurydice and orpheus shit is this. "run away and don't look back" ?????? this cant be a coincidence right. what the fuck man. i can hear eurydice saying this to orpheus but orpehus doesnt listen and inevitably dooms her. her. not himself. although kinda himself too because he did lose the love of his life lol but like. crowley not only saying to look away and run away to protect aziraphale but also himself???????? what the fuck man you deserve jail time for this (pretend that this was definitely what you were going for and not me connecting imaginary dots again lol). but also. the last two lines. wait. come back. god. why are you doing this to me. it's now like crowley is the one dooming them and that makes it even sadder because it's just gonna be one more thing he will blame himself for goddammit aaaaa why the fuck. and the last two lines are also like in a way they are saying 'no wait i changed my mind look at me' yknow. like at the very end he did change his mind is it too late please tell me it's not too late aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

anyway. what time is it. i lost all sense of thought and meaning and apparently sentence structure. or. idk . i dont know anything anymore. my mind feels like it's been through a blender. i will be hunting you down. maybe even kill you. as a thank you. to show my appreciation :) jesus fucking christ

Look Away

don't call me beautiful as you undress me don't turn on the light don't force me to look at my own reflection  in your eyes i can't stand the sight stop picking at my scabs stop prodding at my wounds i don't need your healing you're only making it worse i don't care if they're infected, just pay no mind to the rotting flesh, look away and stop pretending  you can fix this not even God herself could

i can deal with these dirty bandages  i can't deal with you looking at me like that like i'm something worth fighting for like i’m something worth loving i'm fine in my filth, in my grime, and decay i'm not okay with you uncovering my truths,  unwrapping all the lies i've needed to survive  with your bare hands

don't come any closer stop trying to close the gaping gashes why are you doing this? it's not worth your time keep away while you still can because i'll kick and scream and lash out  if you try to fight me, and i won't hold back please, i don't want to hurt the only soul  who's ever dared to stand  this close

so please, look away run away and don't look back.

wait.

come back…

tag list under the cut

@wibbly-wobbly-blog @crowleys-bentley-and-plants @phantomram-b00 @charlotte-zophie @crowleys-curl @quoththemaiden @thewibblylever @genderqueer-hippie @lickthecowhappy @celestialcrowley @ineffable-rohese @alwaysbemybae @fearandhatred @roof-of-trees @weasleywrinkles @brokewokebespoke @eybefioro @captainblou @amagnificentobsession @marika-misc @phoen1xr0se @simonezitrone79 @thatqueercookie @tiptopticketyboo @veil-of-lament @celticseawych @nimbusalba @annewind

i had a semi chaos moment the other day and deleted my tag list, but i found a backup. please let me know if you wanna get removed, or added for some reason. or added back if you got blasted into the void

[faunusrights]

DIRECTOR'S CUT ON DEEP-DISH REGRET, TOPPED WITH SPITE pls I must know the genius of your mind

this was the ONLY ASK sent in relation to the meme and maybe it’s fitting that this is how i die.

okay so i’m sure i don’t NEED TO but here’s the context for the entire fic in one (1) image. okay. did we all look at it? because that’s it.

WELL OKAY there’s more to this so here we go

so when i first saw this image my first thought i had as to who this would be was blake (because i mean. have you seen blake. what a dumbass) BUT then as i looked for longer i was like ‘yeah but blake doesn’t like the cold. and that’d be cold! and uncomfy. blake wouldn’t do that’. so i was sat there thinking who it might be when i was like ‘oh of course WEISS SCHNEE would have a field day with that shit’, and because i knew i was Right(tm) i started thinking... what sort of situation could Weiss Schnee, top tier bitch and baby shark, end up sleeping in a pizza freezer when it feels like smthng even she would be adamant to do? and w/ the image looking like she rly did just climb in for a nap, i was tryna like. connect the dots of Intent.

so as i sat on this lil egg i figured ‘oh you know what would be funnier? if my big all-time ot3 ended up meeting like this’ and so i figured hey, blake and velvet find weiss in a pizza freezer! and theyre dumb idiots who are gay! and somehow they end up dating! good work brain you’ve really rallied the troops here. EXCEPT AT THE SAME TIME MY BRAIN HAD ALSO BEEN MULLING OVER THE POSSIBILITY OF A HONEY-FRAPP FIC, because this was around the time we developed a shipname (thanks @thegreatersea) for weiss/yang/velvet/blake and i was really hankering to have an excuse to write it. so im sat here, weiss in the freezer, barbecue sauce on my tiddies and i go what if... pizza party!!! yang xiao long LOVES pizza parties!!! because i say so.

so i had my context: yang is turning 20, she’s having a party, blake and velvet need pizza, and weiss is also now an honourary pizza. OH YEAH. IT’S ALL COMIN TOGETHER.

so then i wrote chapter one in a frenzy of like. madness. temporary madness. and i wrote chapter one which we all know and love!!!!!!!!!! and it was pretty easy because the narrative style was a) NUTS and b) FUNNY and basically it was me shitposting with words and i let it get away from me and it was a good time!!! i had a rly good time writing that chapter y’all you can FEEL it.

and then i was done and thought ‘okay well that was stupid lets move on’

but i didnt

and instead a lot of ppl commented on the lil tidbit of weiss just straight up d i s a s s o c i a t i n g and wondered ‘hey whats going on w/ her anyway?’

dont we all want to know

SO I ENDED UP. TRYNA THINK. what WAS weiss doing. why IS she in a freezer. and how can i write weiss actually opening up to people (considering thats her weakest skill of all time, up to and including pretending to be heterosexual) and you know which good egg is rly good at cracking up considerably less good eggs?

yang xiao long

nobody else

SO THEN I WROTE CHAPTER 2, THE PARTY, IN WHICH WEISS TELLS US WHY SHE’S IN THE PIZZA FREEZER. NICE. and that was even BETTER because i do love college au and we had COCO there and there was some PUBLIC BDSM and RUBY WASNT EVEN THERE (BECAUSE SHE WAS RAIDING) and it was ALSO very fun very funnee to write and then i was like ‘oh okay im done here now!’

wrong

very wrong

wrongest

BECAUSE THEN i was like ‘but i did wanna do honey frapp and this is like the closest ive gotten so why not. keep going.’

and now we’re five chapters in and im in hell BECAUSE I DONT ACTUALLY. HAVE A PLOT. LMAO. ALL BECAUSE WEISS WOULD BE THE BITCH TO SLEEP IN A PIZZA FREEZER.

for all in tights and porpoises, i do enjoy writing the fic, but its REALLY HARD to do that when i dont. actually know where we’re going haha. and the fic is becoming less funny as weiss descends further into hell so i have to actually put on my game face to follow this thru BUT. BUT I SWEAR. IT WILL END ONE DAY.

just as soon as i also figure out the new plot for frapp logs v2 lmao bye

so yeah thats deep-dish regret which i named not for weiss but for my own personal vibes yr welcome sluts