#i feel like more could be said by someone more prolific than me

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

[salem-witch-slut]

He Doesn't Know (18+)

Abby Anderson x Fem!Reader

SYNOPSIS: You said you loved him all the time... But you couldn't care less about him. He wasn't her. No man could compare to Abby Anderson.

WARNINGS: Modern AU!, Semi-public sex (car sex), strap-on use (r!receiving), pussy eating, hair-pulling, choking, cheating, improper use of church parking lot, age gap (14 years), dom!Abby, sub!reader, no use of y/n, slight knife/blood kink, very aggressive sex (im warning you, it's intense)

WORD COUNT: 4K

A/N: You guys heard "Scotty Doesn't Know"? Yeah, well I heard the song and ran with it. Fight me. Also, I have very deep and disrespectful vendettas against men named Dylan. 95% of them suck.

Sunday morning was bathed in the golden light of the sun rising, basking the old church building in the most prolific illumination with the golden accent to the stain glass windows. Rainbows were cast across the carpet and over the walls, beating down on the patrons inside of the church pews. It was the epitome of holiness… and yet, you were nowhere to be found.

Not that they would look for you. You usually only showed up for the morning Sunday classes and then you would leave before service started… well, leave was a strong word. You were still around, but no one could ever find you, so they assumed you were gone. If only someone was hanging around the back parking lot where nobody ever looks, they would see a beat-up old van covered in decal stickers, and the entire vehicle was shaking against the concrete.

Your fingers moved quickly over the screen on your cell phone as you replied to your boyfriend on the other end of the text, biting down on the pillow underneath your chest and trying to contain your cries of pleasure.

“Yeah, tell him how much you love him,” The cruel, sexy voice behind you growled down in your ear. Your heart pounded in your chest as you sobbed into the pillow, strong veiny hands gripping at your ass and leaving clear bruise marks behind on your skin. “Can’t let him know… you’re creaming on my fucking dick, princess…”

“Ahhhh… Abby…” You whined, your back arching a bit more in order to look at the person who belonged to the voice. Hands released your ass before they dropped down on the floor of the van underneath you. Massive, muscular arms caged you down as you felt the tickle of her long blonde braid caress your cheek, her boots digging into the floorboards as she hammers that thick fake cock into your cunt.

It was the same every single Sunday… Abby would show up, you two would sit in class together, and then as soon as it was over, she was dragging you into her van and pushing your skirt up before fucking you senseless. Your boyfriend never came to church with you, so your absence was always excusable. He never even bothered to look to see if you were telling the truth. He trusted you, and that was his mistake.

Dylan was pathetic. He didn’t know how to make you feel wanted like Abby did. He didn’t know what you liked, nor did he take an active interest in the things you loved to do. Abby, on the other hand… Abby was your literal dream. Blonde, tall, built like a work horse, sweet and caring, rough… She was perfect. There was only one problem… Both of your parents were extremely homophobic. Not to mention you were 14 years younger than her.

At 20 years old, Abby was 34 and that was enough for your parents to freak out. You were in your second year of college, and you had been convinced you were straight… right until Abby walked into your life. At first, it was harmless flirting. And then, it quickly went to not flirting. Abby had been the one to make a move first. She pressed you against the bathroom door when she caught you going back to service.

And since that day, your life has never been the same. Your parents loved Dylan, and thought he was a proper gentleman. He went to church with his own family across town, and you went with your parents every single Sunday. Of course, you made up the lie that you would need to work after morning classes on Sunday, which they didn’t like at first but let slide.

It was the perfect guise to get you away from everyone and everything, and to sneak inside of Abby’s van… It was where the sin first began, and now it was where it would never stop.

You never got tired of this. You would always and forever love the feeling of Abby’s strap stretching your velvety walls as she bottomed out inside of you, holding you down like some filthy sex toy that she abused to her heart’s desire. You loved hearing her groan and growl out your name, calling you her little whore, saying how well you are taking her cock like she was made for you… watching you text your boyfriend and mocking you whenever you said you loved him.

“You love him, huh?” Abby breathed down against the back of your neck, moving your hair away from your shoulder and kissing along your skin. “Then why… is he not inside of your fucking pussy, right now?”

You didn’t love him, at all. He became annoying and desperate after 2 weeks and you wanted nothing more than to cut Dylan loose. But your parents adored him, and you kept up the charade just to pretend like you still had a straight bone in your body. When it all came down to it, whenever Abby texted you… you were at her every beckon call. You were hers, through and through. Dylan doesn’t ever come close to Abigail Anderson.

Your soft little cries filled the back of the van as Abby grabbed your wrists, the veins popping in her hands as she held your arms back and began to fuck with more vigor than before, probably fucking the van’s suspension and creating the most vulgar sounds imaginable. How you two were never, ever caught, you would never know.

“Fuck, take it baby,” Abby snarled, watching your ass bounce and jiggle with each snap of her hips against your own. Your moans carried in the small space, feeling like a fucking sauna with how hard you were breathing. Sweat dripped from her brow as she yanked on your arms, making your back arch even more, forcing you to look up at her from behind. “Nnngg, you look so fucking perfect… so fucking pretty, baby…”

“Abby,” You cried out, panting and drooling with each passing second. “Fuckfuckfuuuuck, d-don’t stop… don’t fucking stop—”

“You gonna cum for me, princess?” Abby smirked, reaching down and wrapping both of her massive hands around your neck and pulling you up until your back was pressed against her chest, the fabric of her jeans digging into your thighs and without a doubt going to leave a burn in its wake. “Go on, princess… be a good girl, yeah? Be my good little slut and cream all over my cock.”

You were so fucking close that it hurt! Right on the edge of your climax, so desperate to feel that sweet release and give Abby exactly what she wanted. Very slowly, Abby wrapped her huge forearm around your neck and with one hand, she slid it across the front of your dress, pausing to grip your breast before sliding her hand down the rest of the way and gently rubbing at your throbbing clit. You made a noise that was a cross between a cry and whimper and Abby groaned, deep in her throat.

“Fuck, that’s a pretty noise princess… like it when I rub your clit like that? Huh? Come on, come on! Fucking cum for me!” Her words sent shockwaves all over your body as you began to twitch and jerk in her hold. Abby kept her pace and basked in the sounds you made, watching as your legs wobbled and threatened to give out, forcing her to hold on even tighter and fuck you through your earth-shattering orgasm. “Good girl, good fucking girl, that’s it baby… just like that, yeah just like that…”

You were completely beyond forming coherent sentences, or even making comprehensible sounds as you collapsed against her body, drool dripping down your chin from your lips as a fresh set of tears tracked your face. Abby chuckled sweetly and slowly laid you down on the mass of blankets and pillows she started keeping in the back of her van just for you after events like this take place.

Abby took her time as she pulled her hips back, watching the thick silicone cock slide out of your stretched cunt, chuckling at the white ring around the base from your juices. You wanted to cry, feeling so empty now without her strap taking up your entire being. Abby let the toy flop down against your ass, and then gave your cheeks a rough smack, making your entire body jerk forward at the contact.

“Little slut,” Abby barked, pulling the harness off her hips and reaching down to grab at your hair. You don’t know why you thought she was done… Abby was never done. Of course, you didn’t want to be done. That would mean you two leave your little bubble that you created with her… In here, you were able to pretend that Abby was it. Abby was your everything and you could give up on this stupid ass mistake.

Before you could ask Abby what was next, she was forcing you on your back and unzipping her jeans. You watched her shimmy out of the fabric and made quick work of her boxers before she crouched over your face. If this wasn’t the sight of heaven, church hadn’t done shit for you. You started salivating almost instantly, grabbing at her hips and attempting to pull her down so you could enjoy the feast, but Abby was far too strong for you to control. She chuckled and ran a hand through your hair.

“Easy, princess… I know, you wanna taste this pussy so fucking bad, don’t you?” Abby grabbed your chin with one hand, sliding her thumb across your bottom lip and you sucked the digit into her mouth. Your tongue stroked over her flesh, and you slurped on her thumb, closing your eyes for a brief second and watching her grin before she pulled her hand away from your face, delivering a hard slap across your cheek. “Yeah baby, I know you fuckin’ love that, don’t you?”

Why you enjoyed it when she hit you, you would never truly understand. The stinging sensation left behind after she delivered a soft blow to your face, or your ass, even your cunt, you would be almost purring with desire and arousal. You loved how strong she was and loved it when she showed it without even trying. Abby always held back, never wanting to actually hurt you, but wanting to make you whine.

Without another hit, Abby lowered herself down and grabbed you by your hair once again, clutching your locks and making you gasp. “Open. Tongue out… all the way, princess…”

You opened your mouth up immediately at her command and stuck out your tongue as far as it could humanly go, drooling on your face and watching as she lowered herself down onto your mouth. You were quick to nuzzle your face into her cunt and you began to lick at her almost immediately, holding her by the hips and making the obscenest slurping sounds ever. Abby groaned, her head going back and her eyes rolling back in her head.

“Nnnnn… that’s my good little whore… fuck, no one eats my pussy like you do, sweet thing…” Your heart soared at her praise, paying attention to her clit and using the flat top of your tongue to lap at her like a dog drinking up water. The very thought of someone else having their mouth on her cunt had you moving with desperation. Abby was well aware of your stupid boyfriend, but you didn’t know how many girls she had doing this exact same thing… It turned you fucking feral.

A low moan rumbled out of you, sending vibrations through her clit as you wrapped your lips around the swollen nub and began sucking, hard. Abby bucked her hips against your face, her ass flexing in your hands before she shoved her whole fist against the side of the van. The movement of her body had your teeth scraping against her and she groaned with pleasure.

“Fuck, keep that up baby,” Abby praised, looking down and watching your eyes squinted shut and your brows knitted with what she could only assume was concentration. The noises your mouth created as you slurped, sucked, and drooled on her pussy were beyond vulgar, and if anybody from church could see you now, they would perform an exorcism, assuming you had been possessed by some filthy whore.

Your nails bit into Abby’s skin, creating crescent moon shaped indents in her ass as you released her clit with a wet slurp and scooted down a bit further. Abby rolled her hips forward, watching your eyes as they opened up and then rolled back in your head, almost drowning in her slick cunt. You took your time, mapping her out with your mouth before you gripped her strong, muscly thighs and began to push your tongue inside of her hot cavern. The noise Abby made was the start of a whimper, and then immediately faded into a snarl of aggressive pleasure.

“Fuck, princess… fuck, you dirty little slut… God you feel so fucking good on my pussy, sweet girl…” You practically cry with her praise, leaning into her hand as you thrust your tongue in and out of her, licking her spongey inner walls and feeling her practically bounce on your face as she humped your face.

You didn’t give a shit about anything else, and all that was on your mind was feeling Abby cum on your mouth. Your phone was lighting up, and Abby could see the countless texts from Dylan, and she had to resist everything inside of her to not pick up your phone to record you eating her out.

“You love the taste of my cunt, don’t you baby?” Abby moaned out, nails scratching across your scalp and making you whimper on her pussy. She rolled her hips slowly, grinding her clit against your nose and biting down on her bottom lip to try and keep her composure… But fuck, did you make it difficult…

Abby could feel her orgasm creeping up on her as she rode your face, tugging on your hair and shivering with pleasure that simply coursed over her entire body. And even though you were the one drinking her cunt, she was the one that felt like she was drowning. Her eyes rolled back, swear words tumbling from her mouth and filling the van that was one good thrust away from losing a damn wheel.

“Fuck, ngh, fuck… Fuck, go back, baby… Lick my clit just like before—” You immediately did as she told you, and Abby huffed with pleasure. “Just like that… shit, just like that babygirl… just… fucking leave him, baby… leave his stupid ass and be mine.”

You heard what she said, but it didn’t register… You kept licking at her clit and sucked on it every few seconds before flicking it hard with the tip of your tongue, sending her crashing into the most vulgar climax of her entire life. She chanted countless swear words over and over again as she chased her high against your face, coming closer and closer to falling apart on top of you.

Abby tossed her body forward and squeezed your face with her inner thighs, smushing your cheeks together before she bit her lip and tried to hold in her sounds but it became fucking impossible with you. “Fuck! Fuck! Don’t you fucking dare stop! Don’t. Fucking. Stop! C-Cumming… fuuuuck, m’cumming baby!”

Abby sounded so fucking wild whenever she would climax, and it made you horny all over again. Her hips twitched and pushed down into your face and you opened your mouth wide, lapping at her liquids that drooled out of her and onto your tongue. Her taste was fucking addictive, and she had to literally pry your hands off her legs in order to pull her pussy away from your mouth.

Your face was soaked from the bridge of your nose down to your chin, glistening with her arousal. You licked your lips and reached up to grab her by the front of her shirt and yanked her down, pressing your lips against hers. Abby groaned on your mouth and pushed her tongue in, drinking in her taste on your mouth and basking in everything that was you.

Another thing she had that Dylan sure fucking didn’t… her lips were so fucking soft and she tasted so, so good…

Both of you never addressed what she said, and when you stumbled out of her van and through the backdoor of the church to clean yourself up in the bathroom, you could hardly keep your knees from wobbling. Bruises were forming on your ass in the shape of her hands, and you rubbed your fingers across the marks, blushing at just remembering who gave them to you…

Abby found your panties in her front pocket when she got home, and she couldn’t stop from smelling them. Fuck, you smelled so fucking pretty; she’s never wanted someone more in her entire life than she wants you all of the damn time.

Even during the week, she was on your mind. You couldn’t shake her off. Abby was like a leech that you grew attached to and now its simply just apart of you. She fed off you, and you liked it that way. Abby liked playing your secret lover, but she would much rather be your one and only.

Fear of disownment had you paralyzed. You wanted nothing more than to tell your parents that you were happy, but with a woman. Abby was everything you could ever need…

“Fuck… Abby… Abby, ohmygod, Abby…” Your whimper echoed through the empty house, your parents gone for the afternoon. You were quick to invite Abby over, and she had you laying down on your bed in literal seconds, legs spread and tongue lapping at your pussy faster than you expected a human being to be able to lick.

The sounds of her eating your pussy echoed off the walls of your bedroom, your hands fisted in her long blonde hair that fell down her shoulders in soft waves due to always being in a braid. You loved her hair, and Abby loved it when you pulled on it, her eyes rolling back as she slobbered all over your cunt in the most explicit, wet, messy display ever.

Abby ate pussy like a woman starved! All tongue and lips, slurping and drooling, creating the biggest wet spot on your sheets and squeezing your thighs with her huge hands. You loved how messy she got, watching as she pulled back with her tongue hanging down, a thick string of saliva connecting her mouth to your pussy. She smirks, reaching down with one hand to slap your clit before she dives back down and immediately starts licking you without a care in the world.

You chanted her name, each time growing louder and louder. You always got so close so fast when Abby was eating you out… You were so close…

The sound of your phone ringing had you tensing up and Abby simply glanced up from your cunt, not stopping her movements even a little. Your hands shakingly grabbed at the phone, seeing Dylan’s picture appear on the screen. Your heart began to beat faster, gently swatting at Abby’s head.

“F-fuck, fuck, stop, wait,” You begged, watching her roll her eyes before she pulled back, rubbing her face against the inside of your thigh and watching how shaky your hands were when you answered the phone with a forced neutral expression. Of course, your flushed face was a dead giveaway to anyone else.

“H-Hey, baby, what’s up?” You said breathlessly. Abby rolled her eyes, kissing up and down your thighs as your boyfriend spoke on the other end of the phone. A hearty giggle erupted from your throat, and you responded. “N-No, I’m fine! Just uh… went for a run! Yeah, that’s all, don’t worry…”

Your face immediately brightened, and you looked down to see Abby slowly rubbing at your entire pussy with her hand, biting your inner thigh and basking in the expression you had on your face. You fell back on the bed and huffed, trying not to moan into the receiver as you listened to Dylan.

“To…Tonight? I-I-I’m not… not sure about that baby… I have a… fuck, assignment due… t-tomorrow,” You struggled to keep your noises neutral, biting down on your knuckle as Abby began to slowly ease her middle and ring finger inside of you. You bit down so hard that you left a bruise behind on your finger. “N-No! Y-You don’t h…have to come over… m’fine… t-totally fine…”

Abby was having none of your shit, and before you could prepare yourself, she grabbed your hip and slammed herself knuckle deep into your pussy. The sound you made was so loud that she was sure EUROPE heard you! Your eyes crossed in your head, and you yanked on the bed sheets above your head, completely abandoning your phone call for a second. Dylan asked you what happened, and you were quick to cover it up. “I’m okay! I’m o-okay, baby… j..just hit my arm, t-that’s all… fuck me…”

With a smirk, Abby immediately complied, spreading your legs a bit wider before she began to fuck you on her fingers like it was her damn birthright. Her digits were so thick and strong, hitting every single sweet spot inside of you and making you purr like a kitten for her. Pleasure raced down your spine and you whimpered into your hand, masking your noises as Dylan continued to say whatever the fuck he was saying, you weren’t listening.

“Fucking give me that,” Abby snapped, reaching for the phone and hanging up on him. Your eyes widened and you reached for the phone, but Abby tossed it to the far side of the bed before wrapping a hand around your neck and shoving you into the bed. Her pace picked up to brutal levels and you gasped against her movements. “I’m done, princess… Fucking done sharing you with him.”

“A-Abby, you… fuck…” The look in her eyes was wild as she pushed in a third finger and you reached out to grab the muscle on her shoulders, her hair creating a curtain around your face as she destroyed you.

“Say it,” Abby snarled. “Fucking leave him. You’re mine. You’re mine… you’re fucking mine!”

“Yours!” You cried out, rolling your whole body up against hers and digging your nails into her back. Abby bent down and began to kiss your face, trailing them down to your neck and latching her lips against the flesh of your throat. You groaned as she stretched out your pussy and left an absurd amount of hickies on your neck.

“No one… can fuck you like I do,” Abby rubbed your clit with her thumb as her fingers stroked your inner walls, making you see stars behind your eyes. “No one can kiss you like I do… no one can love you like I do…”

“Yours, Abby,” You whimpered, pushing your face into her neck, grinding down against her hand as you chased your orgasm on her thick digits, desperate to cum for her, and for her alone. “I’m yours… Only you… please, don’t stop! Please, so close…”

“Come on princess… my pretty girl, fucking cum for me…”

And you did exactly that. Your whole body shook with euphoria, and you raked your nails down her back, nearly drawing blood as you reached your high and squeezed around her fingers, liquid slowly gushing from your cunt and drenching her hands. Abby kissed your neck, and then your lips, tears tracking her face.

Finally… she finally had you…

It was made official with one text.

Dylan almost had a fucking heart attack at the photo an unknown number sent him. It was you, sprawled out on the bed, covered in hickies from your neck down to your chest, drool dripping from your lips with one very veiny hand and massive forearm holding you by the throat. You had a stupidly happy grin on your face and your cheeks were tinted with a deep pink blush from either overexertion or embarrassment. And on your stomach, there was something literally carved into your flesh, blood dripping from the fresh wound… it was an A.

There was only one block of text to accompany the picture.

She’s mine now, asshole.

[pazziville]

Can I Be Him — A Pazzi Fic

Wherein Paige Bueckers, UConn’s prolific point guard, has been in love with Azzi Fudd, her longtime best friend and current teammate for the longest time. The persistence in scouting the girl to the huskies was not for nothing. But of course, Paige kept this fact to herself. Yet, even after all these years, behind the basketball star’s confident and cocky-like attitude, lies insecurities for seemingly not being enough for Azzi.  Azzi constantly reminding Paige of the reality that she may never have feelings for the girl the same way the girl has for her when she repeatedly talks to Paige about her boy problems, deflates the latter’s self-esteem, while Azzi remains unaware. With the next season around the corner and Paige’s newfound courage to move on from Azzi, what would become of their relationship?

CHAPTER 3.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

word count: 1,127

“You know you can’t just bribe me with a Shirley Temple and not explain your side of what happened earlier.” Azzi laughs at Paige’s way of getting her to speak up and communicate. She sure knows how to make the younger laugh and open up to her.

Azzi places down her drink and gives in, “I was jealous of you and Nika.”

Paige, shocked by Azzi’s confession, chokes on her drink. Azzi panics, standing up and getting behind Paige, then proceeding to hardly slap her back repeatedly as an attempt to ‘save’ the girl.

“Azzi what the hell are you doing?!” Paige’s face was red from choking and was even struggling to question Azzi’s action.

“Helping! What does it look like I’m doing?!” Azzi seemed offended Paige was even asking that question.

“Well, stop it! You’re making me choke even more!” Azzi lets out a low ‘oh’ in realization and scratches her head, “My bad, went a little overboard.” She apologizes and sits back down, now avoiding eye contact with the blonde.

Silence followed Paige’s choking incident, but she wouldn’t let Azzi not expound on what she just said a while ago.

“What did you mean when you said you were jealous of me and Nika?” Paige breaks the silence and Azzi’s face turns hot in an instant, something Paige was oblivious to but Azzi felt like she was literally in the Sahara while being in an airconditioned establishment.

“Azzi?” Paige noticed Azzi looked out of it, growing concerned.

The older girl stretches her arm and feels Azzi’s face. When Azzi flinches, Paige grips her arm tightly but not roughly, “Are you sick?”

“What? No?” Azzi answers with a short and fake laugh to break the tension she felt.

Paige had her hand on Azzi’s face longer than she should have, not even realizing that she has been longing for Azzi’s presence after an entire summer of not seeing each other because of Azzi spending more time with Parker. She sees Azzi’s intense stare at her and pulls back her hand, clears her throat, and recoups herself.

“How are things with you and Parker?” Paige’s questions catches Azzi off guard, making her uncomfortable, but she plays it off not wanting Paige to think she’s the one making her feel that way when in fact it was the mention of Parker.

Azzi takes a sip of her drink before answering, “He’s funny. Nice. Great at basketball.”

“Are you interested in him?” The blue eyed girl asks Azzi with softness written all over her eyes and at this point, Azzi knew they were eyes she wanted to keep seeing for the rest of her life. So, despite knowing the answer to the question deep inside her heart, she chooses to lie.

“I am.” Two words that were enough for Paige’s heart to drop. Yet, she loves the girl too much. Enough for her to choose to lie to herself if it was to make the girl happy. She gives Azzi a genuine smile, “That’s all I needed to know.” Paige wanted to say so much more, but it was all she could get herself to say.

She was in pain, but that didn’t matter because her best friend had finally found herself someone and what she felt didn’t matter. She should be happy for Azzi and she was trying. If it was for Azzi, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do.

Seeing how Paige was seemingly happy for her, Azzi thought it was the perfect time to explain herself and the incident regarding Paige and Nika earlier, “About Nika. Ice made me realize I was jealous of the fact Nika and you are starting to have the friendship we share. Which sort of aggravated me once I saw you were also starting to care for her the same way you care for me, leading me to say those words to you.”

Paige just listened to the girl carefully, her heart too heavy to even say a word.

“I’m sorry for what I said, Paige. I truly am sorry. You are not careless nor stupid. If anyone was at that moment, it was me and I just–” Azzi starts rambling out of guilt and as Paige recognizes it, cutting off the curly haired girl immediately, “Can you stand for me?”

“Huh?” Azzi, confused, doesn’t do what Paige asks of her. 

Paige is forced to leave her seat, walks up to Azzi’s side, gently grabbing her arm up for her to stand, and hugs her. She hugs her tightly and although the shorter one was puzzled, she hugs her back in the same intensity she was being hugged. Azzi craved Paige’s presence just as much as Paige craved Azzi’s, yet none of them knew that. But for a moment, their hug communicated the longing the two had for each other.

“Close or far. With me or without me. Even if you see me or you don’t. You’ll always have me as your best friend, Paige.” And that was it. Azzi’s words were enough for Paige to hug her tighter and make up her mind about moving on because in the end this was the extent of their relationship.

Azzi will never see you as more than her best friend and it would be unfair for her if you do. A tear falls from Paige’s eye and she sniffles as a result, making it known to Azzi that her best friend had gotten emotional, but when she attempts to check up on Paige by releasing herself from the girl’s embrace, Paige repositions her left arm to Azzi’s head, pushing it gently back to her shoulder.

“You’ll always have me as your best friend too, Azzi.” This time, it was Azzi’s turn to be teary eyed and bury her head deeper into Paige’s shoulder.

“Let me make it up to you. From now on I’ll be a better best friend.” Paige promises and Azzi wasn’t so sure if she even wanted Paige to fulfill it.

I don’t want you to. A thought that stayed in Azzi’s mind, unable to get past her tongue because she was too scared. Too caught up in the possible consequences. Too frightened she’d lose the best thing she’s ever had. 

I’m yours. Words that Paige always told Azzi and she always never knew what to say in response, but right now, she did, although it may have been too late. Paige Bueckers was the best Azzi Fudd’s ever had and she’s known it since forever, but has been too much of a coward to admit it. Not until now that she’s starting to lose the girl. Meanwhile for Paige, all the years of her asking herself the question ‘Can I be him?’ has finally been answered: She no longer can.

a/n: here's a sort of filler chapter. sorry to have kept those who anticipate updates waiting. hopefully everyone's doing well. much love. <3

[dominimoonbeam]

What's Happening?

Gavin/Freelancer sickfic I wrote for @glassbearclock my beloved!

Early early relationship, Freelancer has a cold but is worried that if they cancel on a date with Gavin he won't come back.

tags: sickfic, relationship uncertainties, gavin is a caregiver, light angst

What's Happening?

Freelancer felt like shit. They’d been sucking on throat lozenges like their life depended on it all morning. And it sort of did. At least their sex life did.

Gavin was a daemon, so it wasn’t like they could get him sick, they just had to not be disgusting when he came over tonight.

Fuck, they were so tired, but they dragged themself to the pharmacy and tried to find the strongest cold medicine that wouldn’t completely knock them out. They read the label on another bottle and had to bite off a laugh when it said not to operate heavy machinery. Did Gavin’s dick count? Were they the one operating it? No.

When they noticed someone sneaking a glance at them, they realized they’d laughed aloud. Oh shit, were they acting weird? They felt like a furnace in their hoodie, even though everyone else was wearing big jackets and it was snowing out.

The walk home felt twice as long as ever before. They were so worn out. They had to resist the panicked urge to pop the bottle in that shopping bag and take a few drinks. They needed to get their shit together. They needed to perk up. They had an incubus coming over!

Oh god, what if they couldn’t get it together? What if he realized they were sick? If they weren’t any good tonight, then would he come back again?

They liked Gavin. A lot. And not just for the sex. The sex was amazing, of course. It was the stuff of fantasies that Freelancer had only read and daydreamed about before. Their own brief sexual encounters with other people had been okay, but nothing like this. And Gavin made them feel like they were the deviant, like they were just as prolific and skilled as he was. It felt amazing and empowering and fun. They weren’t ready to give that up, but more than that, so much more than that, they were worried about losing Gavin.

They wanted to believe they were more than just a good meal to him, more than just benefits. They wanted to believe they were friends. But the level of worry they had over not being able to perform tonight was making them realize they really weren’t sure.

And if he didn’t come back, how would they find him? How would they ask how he was doing or if he wanted to hang out?

They were lightheaded by the time they got to their building and leaned heavily against the wall in the elevator. The ding seemed impossibly loud.

Okay. They just had to get to their apartment, chug some of that cold medicine, take a shower, and act like they weren’t ready to sleep for twelve hours.

The elevator dinged and the door rattled open. Freelancer walked down the hall, surprised by how it stretched and wobbled. That can’t be good. They managed to get their keys out and in the door, pushing it open and stumbling in.

“You’re late,” Gavin called from the living room, sounding seductive and guarded like always. “I was starting to think you were standing me up, Deviant. I was about to—Deviant?”

Their knees hit the floor just inside their apartment and they dropped their backpack and the shopping bag, somehow fumbling both in an attempt to hang on to them and to themself while their vision turned too bright and the ground kept sliding under them.

“Deviant?” He was closer. Was that panic in his voice? Shit.

They tried to say they were okay and to apologize, maybe even laugh at how clumsy they were, but everything went dark.

-

Gavin had only gotten there a few minutes before them. He’d actually been late, largely because he was struggling over how eager he was to see them. It wasn’t normal. He shouldn’t be that invested in one of his charges. They came and went. They were there for a good time, a good time he delivered, but he’d always been careful not to get too attached.

So, he’d been intentionally late.

And it hadn’t even mattered because his deviant wasn’t home yet anyway. So he sat on the couch and wondered where they were, if he should leave, if they were over him and onto other things…

And then the door had opened and he’d stayed on the couch, trying not to act overly eager.

And then his deviant had stumbled.

Gavin was there in a flash, standing over them and trying to understand what had happened. Their aura was…strange, and they were breathing fast. They mumbled out a tangle of what he assumed was supposed to be words before their body keeled forward in a dead faint.

Gavin caught them, one hand cupping their head before it could hit the floor. Panic stampeded through him. “Deviant?” he spoke gently, picking them up in his arms and carrying them to the couch. With a thought, he’d closed the front door.

He put them on the couch and their eyes were already fluttering open. “What’s happening?” he almost pleaded, touching their face and neck. They were so hot. This couldn’t be normal for humans. He used magic to search for injuries, for anything he could heal, but there was nothing.

They looked teary, pressing their lips and swallowing hard. They flinched, like that hurt. “Shit… I’m sorry, Gav…” They sat up. He stayed on the coffee table, hands roaming their upper body, afraid they’d tip over again. They coughed and tried to hide it against their arm.

“You’re sick?”

“I’m okay.”

“We should take you to a hospital.”

They smiled a little. “For a cold? No. Seriously, I’m fine.”

“You fainted!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for it!”

They caught one of his hands. They were so warm, but they looked up at him so calmly through those glassy eyes and past those flushed cheeks. “It’s okay, really. I just overdid it, I guess. I probably shouldn’t have gone out.”

“Why did you?”

They deflated, looking down. “I was getting cold medicine. I thought if I could get something to shake the symptoms… you wouldn’t notice.”

He blinked. “I mean, I’m glad you want me that bad, but I’m not sure my dick is actually worth dying for.”

They snorted a laugh and then coughed again, curling an arm over their face. “I mean, I wouldn’t say it’s not... But I just… I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

Gavin felt like the world had dropped out from under him. He stared at them. “What?” Disappoint him?

“I know you hang out with me for…” Their aura flinched and twisted, filling with self-doubt and delicate fear. “I didn’t want you to leave or… not come back,” they confessed quietly, shoulders sagging.

Gavin tried to absorb all of that. They had gone out when they were sick to try to get this cold medicine in hopes that he would somehow not notice they were sick so he’d fuck them, not because they wanted to get laid, but because… because they thought that was his only reason for hanging out with them? And why wouldn’t they think that, when he’d definitely always put it that way for himself and for them. But they wanted him to hang out with them… Enough to go through all this effort. Enough to put out when they were definitely not into it. There was a lot about this he hated but the crystal clear center was what almost had him choking up.

Fortunately, his deviant was definitely too sick to notice at the moment.

“I like you,” Gavin said, a little terrified to say it and sort of hoping that fever would keep them from remembering.

They looked up at him, their aura smoothing out with hope. It was beautiful. And it had cost him nothing but the truth. “So… You’ll come back sometime?”

He sighed, pushing some of their hair out of their face. “Oh, deviant… I’m not leaving you like this.”

They blinked and then straightened where they sat. “Y-You want to… I was worried the whole sick thing would be a turn off…”

He laughed darkly. “It’s not, but we’re not going to fuck. You fainted from walking down the hall. What I do with you might kill you right now.”

His deviant chewed their lip, leaning closer. Their weak aura even flared with interest. He smiled. They were incredible. “I don’t think it would… We could try.” They started coughing again, this time rooting around in the pocket of their hoodie, dumping little wrappers before coming out with what looked like a candy. They shoved it in their mouth and sucked.

Gavin ignored the way his dick jumped in his pants. No. Nope. He was not going to take that bait. He snagged one of the wrappers and spread it out, reading it. Medicine.

“We should put you to bed, right? The right way, I mean,” he smirked, floundering a little. What did people do with sick people? “We should get you in your pajamas and into bed and then… water?”

“Yeah, I’ll go to bed… You don’t have to stay, Gavin. I know this isn’t fun—”

“Who says it’s not fun? I’ve never taken care of a human before. Maybe I’ll be good at it…” He smiled. “I’m good at most things I do.”

His deviant smiled. “I believe you.”

He shivered pleasantly and scooped them up. The deviant gasped, throwing arms around his neck in surprise when he picked them up. Somewhere between the living room and their bedroom he vanished their clothes, enjoyed their surprised gasp against his neck and the naked skin in his arms for a split-second, before putting their favorite pajamas on them just as quickly. He settled them on the bed and pulled the covers up over them. He’d never actually pulled the covers up before…

For a second, he stared at them and they stared at him. They were so cute.

What else?

Fluids? That was an illness thing, right? He used magic to make a big glass of water and then considered their sore throat and added a cup of tea.

Deviant smiled, their aura practically shining with happiness despite.

Was it so easy to make all humans happy? Or just his human? He changed into his own comfy sweatpants and crawled in bed with them. “What else do you need?” He pulled their body against his, again surprised by the heat radiating off of them.

“No, that’s great. Thank you. You don’t have to stay.” Their eyelids were heavy.

He stroked their hair the way he knew they liked, of course, usually he did it as a part of aftercare, but care was care, right? “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” they whispered, half-asleep already but the answer coming fast and easy.

“Then I’ll stay.”

They smiled to themself and curled into his chest. He kissed their head. When they were asleep, he magicked their phone from their bag to his hand. He googled colds and what to do. When they woke up, he’d make soup and make sure they drank some of those liquids. It looked like he’d need a thermometer and maybe medicine to reduce a fever if they kept this up. He was going to be a fucking expert when they woke up, but, until then, he stroked their hair and their back and relished the steady pulse of their aura.

[agarthanguide]

I just realized that Deanna looks like smol Gina Torres, who is my #1 Space Mom. Was that on purpose? What was the direction from Aabria? How does the process of creating the guests’ art compare to what you do with the main cast?

It was not intentional!  Aabria was pretty descriptive about Deanna, but I’d say Deanna actually has a lot of influence from animation, more than real life markers.  In fact, she was getting so far from realism that I consciously stepped up and chose to hyper-render the knitted and textile elements to see if I could ground her, a little. But her features- her big eyes, her button nose, her heavily defined curls- and her proportions are simply not realistic enough to meaningfully reference a human.  That being said, I’m hugely flattered that anything I’ve ever drawn could make someone think of Gina Torres, who is actually my wife (I share her with tens of thousands of others who also have immaculate taste).

As for guest processes- they are all very different, but I can honestly say that the Dimension 20 kids are like- they are succinct, descriptive, flexible, and fast.  They are honestly such pros.  I thought it was an Aabria thing- I remember thinking- oh, she must make 5 characters a week, and she’s so good at YesAnd-ing, I’m sure that this is a one-off experience with an amazing player (this was during Laerryn).  But then Emily and Lou and (half of) Erika were exactly the same!  IDK if that’s because they are ALSO hyper-prolific and well practiced, or if this is circumstance, but it was Notable.

As a general rule, I’d say that the guest characters are faster than the main cast, but I think that’s just because they aren’t gearing up to inhabit that character for potentially years, so they don’t need to feel complete comfort the way a long-term player would.  It’s not because they care less, or because I care less.  The actual lining/rendering has the same level of effort.

The only person who really freaked me out was Utkarsh/Bor’dor, because he had a really intense description, but then deferred to my opinion on like most things (actually, just clothing. Utkarsh was pretty specific about things like face and hair and eyes and expression).  And I didn’t know anything about him, but I was pretty sure something was up with him, so I wrote a list of things that could be changed at the drop of a hat, in case the story went that way.  And then I sat for weeks worrying about it and wondering if I should like... paint in glowing eyes, or a version with his cape thrown back revealing... something!  Or whatever!

But honestly, I think the fact that ultimately he was a carefully constructed terrified kid who was then thrown into rags by a stranger was... pretty on the nose, actually.  Sad, right?

Anyway, Aabria rocks.  Very hard.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

Feel free to ignore if this is unwelcome, but have you ever thought about publishing traditionally to sublimate your income and draw in new readers? I know you've self published two books already and that you didn't feel like they did very well, but maybe the experience would be different if someone else was in charge of marketing and all the other business stuff?

Obviously everyone's experience is different but as an author myself who's published both trad and self, traditional publishing has been a completely different experience and has allowed me to focus more on writing because I'm not the one responsible for advertising/marketing/financing anymore.

There are a ton of literary agents nowadays that want to represent diverse and lgbtqia+ fiction, some of them even in Australia.

Websites like Reedsy, AgentQuery and Jerichowriters have extensive directories to find literary agents.

(This is lengthy folks so I'm putting the other two parts (and my response) under a read more! Also putting it under a read more so the anon can skip my response since it's very 'here's all the reasons I can't do this' and they just might not want to read that, lmao)

(continued -> )

Trad publishing houses have better resources for marketing and helping authors get more attention than any self publishing website could.

Obviously most authors, unless they're really prolific, don't get a huge advance (the average is between $1000 - $5000) but getting your foot in the door or on the traditional publishing "ladder' so to speak can have a huge benefit for your serials. Because it gives you more exposure. Plus it's in the agent's best interest to find a publishing house that accepts stories that contain darker themes and negotiate the best deal for you.

For some reason places like Amazon and the like accept and keep up more "dark" books that are traditionally published than they do with self pub ones. Maybe because they have more respect or leniency for publishing houses? I have no idea. But you could use this to your advantage. I think I remember you mentioning that writing novels felt quite isolating to you? But you already have 2 completed novels (3 if you count the fae one) that you could potentially revisit or rewrite to your liking and get them represented by agents.

You already have a loyal readership and that's very attractive to trad pub houses and agents.

As well as trad publishing, you could also make s simple website that doesn't require much maintenance. It could be just a landing page that says something about you and then has links to your tumblr and patreon where you're more active. That way you increase the chances of getting your serials found by additional readers and also come across looking more "professional". Not that you're not professional now. You are and I admire you greatly, but the unfortunate reality is a lot of people still judge by appearances and some will be more drawn to an author's website than a tumblr page, at least at first. So I think having a simple landing page would open up another door for you to benefit from.

Trad publishing is work but definitely not as much as self publishing, and you can continue on with your serials. Getting an agent can be time consuming but I personally believe the pros outweigh the cons and I also believe that your stories would be a huge treasure to the growing lgbtqia+ market. Seriously there needs to be more!

These are just suggestions and thoughts and like I said before, feel free to ignore. But I know you've mentioned wanting to grow your career in the past and I genuinely believe you can do so with some of these pathways.

~

Okay, my response. Posting this because firstly I think the suggestions could work very well for other authors reading this! And I hope they take the advice to note, and secondly because I haven't talked about this for a hot minute so let's talk about it again.

So the TL;DR is yes I have considered traditional publishing. I have actually been traditionally published in short stories, poetry, and also had my art published on covers and re: interior illustrations. But my Fae Tales works got soundly rejected when I sent them to publishing houses that were doing open calls for that sort of material. I've never heard back from an agent and I never expect to, heh.

~

Now for a bit more detail

I have been traditionally published before (it's how I got my writing out there long before I ever wrote serials), and yes, I have approached publishers with my writing since then. In fact Tradewinds was written for the traditional publishing market, and it got soundly rejected, and then shelved. The reasons it was rejected ran the gamut from 'I don't like that these fae eat humans no one is going to relate to these people' (while the editor then went on to publish vampire books idk) to 'There's too much worldbuilding you can't expect readers to keep up with this' to 'Your stories are too long, no one wants to read characters talking all the time.'

Meanwhile in my online serials I was getting feedback like 'my favourite chapters are the ones where the characters just sit in a room and talk' lol.

The traditional publishing world is also not quite as utopian for most authors as you make it seem. I'm friends with a lot of authors who are traditionally published because that's the world I came from, and unless they're solely in KU and doing generic rapid release formula romances, none of them are making that much money. Certainly not enough to live off. It may have been that you were very fortunate, anon, but I know hundreds more traditionally published authors that left trad pub to make money, and I know about 5 in trad pub personally who are making enough to live off of.

Only one of those is really writing what she truly loves to write, and even then, publishing houses have refused to commit to her entire fantasy series (and she's regularly in 'Top 10/20 Women Fantasy Authors in the World' lists) and forced her to finish the series prematurely. Something I never ever have to worry about in self pub.

The reality is that in trad pub these days, you're still in charge of most of your marketing unless you're one of the big earners for the publishing house. In fact I'd be expected to keep even more of a social media and marketing presence than I do now. I don't do almost any of the things you're supposed to do as an author in marketing to be appealing. I don't have a Facebook author account. I don't have an Instagram author account. I don't maintain or regularly send out newsletters (which automatically puts me in the like 0.05% of authors who make money doing this lmao).

I don't know if you ever have looked that closely into what m/m publishing houses expect from most of their authors, but the newsletter swaps, cover releases, review circuits, interview circuits and more are fucking grueling. We're expected to be responsible for our advertising and our marketing to a fairly massive degree. Some traditionally published in m/m still have to pay for their release blitzes out of pocket. These publishing houses, by and large, do not offer advances. You say most authors don't get large advances. I don't think most authors in this arena get offered advances at all unless they're somehow miraculously acquired by a Big 4.

We're expected to have an already established social media presence because of that (that's why it's so appealing to publishers that we have social media presences already, anon, so we can market, they can save money, and we still see only a minimal cut from the royalties).

And you still have to focus on your finances, because publishing houses like Dreamspinner straight up didn't pay a whole bunch of authors for so long they destroyed careers. They still haven't paid some of their authors. And they're still running a business and people still buy their books.

Trad publishing houses have better resources for marketing and helping authors get more attention than any self publishing website could.

This is true if a) they're a big publishing house and not an indie publisher of which most LGBTQIA+ publishing houses are and b) they're willing to use them on you.

The authors that make the most money get the most resources. If they believe you're going to earn back your advance and move thousands or tens of thousands of units per book, then yes, you will get those resources.

I have been told so many times now - even from friends who run publishing houses, including one who works at HarperCollins - that my work will never be mainstream enough to have broad appeal. They literally told me not to keep trying re: trad pub, because that was my dream for a long time. These folks have given me rock solid advice in the past, it's one of the reasons I'm doing so well now via Patreon + Ream. But they were like (paraphrasing) 'you don't write 60-80k romances and you don't want to and that's not your strength anyway, you're multi-genre which makes you hard to market, you write psychological and literary trauma recovery which is hard to market, you write character studies which are hard to market, publishing houses often don't commit to series anymore if the first two don't move units and if they pulled the plug you'd be contractually obliged to never finish that series until your contract was up.' I could go on, but it was like yeah...actually. Fair.

For some reason places like Amazon and the like accept and keep up more "dark" books that are traditionally published than they do with self pub ones. Maybe because they have more respect or leniency for publishing houses?

They do, but most publishing houses want very formulaic dark romance which is not what I write.

I have a 300k omegaverse slowburn that still hasn't had any penetrative sex in it, anon. Publishing houses don't want that. They don't expect anyone will wait 4 full length novels to get to literally a single penetrative sex scene.

But you already have 2 completed novels (3 if you count the fae one) that you could potentially revisit or rewrite to your liking and get them represented by agents.

If I rewrote them to my liking, trad pub wouldn't want them. They'd be too long! I think agents etc. take one look at me and go 'oh god, no thank you!' I'm not an easy sell, by any means.

Plus I'm very e.e about all of that with the knowledge that they then give me only about 10-15% of the royalties on the sales, vs. self-pub where I get around 70%, or subscription where I around 80% of it. When someone subscribes to me, they don't have to worry about 85-90% of their subscription fee going to a publishing house. I don't have to think about how many thousands and thousands of books I'd have to sell to make the same amount that I do now via subscription.

As well as trad publishing, you could also make s simple website that doesn't require much maintenance.

If it was that simple, I'd be doing it. I don't mean this in a facetious way, I mean it in a: I've made a lot of websites, in fact I run one at the moment not connected to my writing (I've been running it for so long it's now in its 20s and can probably has a driver's license). I find it so tedious that I barely remember to check in on it. But forgetting about it means there's always maintenance to keep up with when I get back to it.

Running websites is simpler than it used to be, but it's still not simple. There's hosting and hosting costs, there's server changes, there's back-end maintenance etc. I'm considering it for down the track, but there's a reason I decided to go the route of Patreon over my own site. There are authors (like Christopher Hopper) who actually do subscription through their own domain, but it's a lot of work.

Even placeholder sites are still work. They need updating, details change, story titles changing etc. Maintaining my Patreon + Ream About pages is enough, they're always both a little out of date, lol.

Not that you're not professional now.

Oh no, I mean from a 'traditional publisher looking at me to see what kind of candidate I am' I'm really not though. Like I said, I don't have the newsletter (100 subscribers who get one newsletter a year is not really a newsletter), I don't have the Facebook/Tiktok/Insta/Twitter/Bluesky/Threads accounts, etc. I write multi-genre across multiple steam levels, and I'm allergic to writing serials shorter than 150k. One of my best performing original serials was an 800k contemporary story with no sex in it but a lot of BDSM. It can't be marketed as clean or sweet, it's not high steam, an entire chapter is 'boy saves snail from rain.' Also he was cruel to animals, so not exactly what I'd call a sympathetic main.

And yet that story did so well for me via Patreon + Ream, because people want the kinds of stories that publishing houses generally don't want and I happen to be writing them.

Trad publishing is work but definitely not as much as self publishing, and you can continue on with your serials. Getting an agent can be time consuming but I personally believe the pros outweigh the cons and I also believe that your stories would be a huge treasure to the growing lgbtqia+ market. Seriously there needs to be more!

Anon I just literally do not believe an agent would want to represent me. I have 0% belief in that. Not from a self-deprecating angle but from a 'I am not a good bet for the trad market' perspective. From a 'I have so many friends who are trad pubbed authors who stare at me like I'm insane for writing serials as long as I do' perspective. From a 'professionals in the industry have told me it's amazing I'm doing so well in serials because there's no way they'd take a risk on what I'm doing' perspective. From a 'just because it's queer and diverse doesn't mean it hits literally any other thing a trad pub is looking for' perspective. I've been doing this for 10 years. There are agents who represent work similar to mine who know what I'm doing and wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. They're not missing out on a trick, they know I'm not broad appeal, and they're right.

Also the only way I'd have the energy to manage trad pub is by quitting serials. And honestly, I never found trad pub all that much fun while I was doing it for non-novel stuff. It was fine, and it is nice to have my stuff out there, but it was a ton of admin and a lot of going back and forth between people who really only care about marketing a product, and that's great and what they excel at! But I'm too disabled to turn this job into something crushing just to potentially make more money, I'd rather just quit and go back onto a full Disability Pension. I can't see any way I still get to write the stories I want to write, in the way that I write them, and be remotely appealing to a single reputable trad pub or agent.

Also *gestures to everything in this article*

[coralhoneyrose]

QUICK I MUST HAVE CHROBIN FANFIC RECOMMENDATIONS BEFORE I WRITE THEM MYSELF

Oh man, I wish I could ask you follow-up questions in order to curate these recommendations more to your taste LOL. Idk if you are interested in reading chrobin for all Robin genders, if you're only looking for complete fics, if you're comfortable with smut, etc., but in light of my inability to know your preferences, I'm just gonna cast a wide net with my recommendations and let you sort through what appeals most to you from the list. I am also going to resist talking about *what* I love about each of these fics for now or else we will be here all day, but if there are any you would like to hear more about in a follow-up, feel free to lmk. Clearly I am just excited to have any excuse to talk about chrobin and some of the very wonderful fan work that exists for the pairing <3

Also big disclaimer that this is not a comprehensive list. This fandom is 2000+ fics strong and I am absolutely going to forget some gems and personal favorites. Additional note that many of the authors on here are prolific contributors with many excellent chrobin fics and that I definitely recommend browsing their profiles for more if you enjoy anything on here. In fact, please do, because I tried to limit myself to just one selection per author here and some of these writers have so sooooo many chrobin fics that make me crazy in the best way. Okay, without further ado:

A Book of Most Curious Letters (Perhaps silly to include this one in that it's very fandom famous but it's also my all time favorite so I'm including it anyway LOL)

The Heart of the Moon

All's Fair In War and Fake Engagement

An Inevitable Encounter

Otherworldy

The Blank Man

Take On Me, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chrom

Carrion Comfort

there's a record on and the song remains

Stunning

worthiness is no more than a brazen gambit

Convince Me

The Colours of Me, the Colours of You, the Colours of Us

Oceanic Eyes, a Radiant Smile, and a Solar Halo

I Like What We Have

A Gentle Whisper

Homecoming

For Lucina

Return

like a thief into the night

First

Between

The Rook's Endgame

Someone reaching back for me

Priorities

Okay, I'm gonna cut myself off there for now--hopefully this helps! That being said, I definitely think that in addition to reading these fics you should still consider writing some yourself if you want to~ Often times creating scratches a different type of itch, and from a purely selfish standpoint, I like having more chrobin to read too LOL. Thanks for the ask, anon!

[lqtraintracks]

Is there a difference between what you find the hottest in smut and what you find the hottest in reality? Are there parallels?

You sure came in here with a banger, didn't you?

I let this marinate for a few days (a week?) something like that. The trick is probably going to be in giving a genuine answer that also doesn’t bare all of me and my secret fantasies to the internet. The answer would be a little more detailed in a circle of friends rather than shared on the tumbles. 

Be that as it may (under a cut because of sexual topics):

Is there are difference? Yes. Are there parallels? Yes, and even hell yes.

I write things I would never want to try myself. Watersports. Great on the page. SUPER hot. It can be hot to me when other people engage in it; under certain circumstances I could watch it. Have less than zero interest in doing it.

There are plenty of things I find hot both on the page and in my own mind that would be hard nos in reality. Deep-throating? Hot in fic. Sometimes in porn, though it has to be ~just right~. In reality, it’s a hell no for me. No shame to people for whom it is a hell yes! That’s why I love writing it! It’s hot. In theory. And when I’m in control of how it happens and to whom, and I can zoom in on their inner thoughts and desires while it happens. That’s what makes it hot for me more than even the thing itself. 

That said, yes, there are plenty of parallels. There are plenty of things that I write that I also love to do, have done, etc. I will leave that to your imagination! But I’ve realized pretty recently that I’m sort of gray ace and demi as well as queer. I would rather read about most things, write most things, than do them. Doesn’t mean I haven’t done and enjoyed a lot of them or won’t again. I’ve lived what I can safely say is likely more than half the life I’m going to get. I’ve done a lot. I’ve tried a lot that I loved, that I hated, that I’m neutral about, that was bad with one person but then great with another. I’ve been top, bottom, Dom, sub, tried lots of positions and role plays and places and kinks and sorts of people. I’ve had traumatic experiences and ecstatic ones. I’ve had boring sex and off-putting sex and one night stands and years-long relationships, good and bad. I have an extremely prolific sexual imagination, and I enjoy my own company. If you know what I mean.

But there’s a reason I write so much smut. I absolutely love it. When I’m writing sex, I’m both in complete control and absolutely uninhibited. I bare my soul with all my clothes still on. I write characters having near-religious experiences with each other and can simultaneously give them orgasms and soul-shattering love. It’s messy but only in the ways that I decree. If I want to do something realistic and have someone stop in the middle of anal sex because they feel like they’re about to shit themselves (and their partner) I can—but I don’t have to! It’s idealized, which makes it both less and more than real sex. I can experience hate sex without hating anyone! I can explore pain play more than I could probably stand in real life (giving or receiving). It’s a different kind of creative act, sometimes fueled by actual sexual fantasies but just as much by my writer’s drive to try something new with my art and to explore characters without limitations.

I hope this yes-and-no answer isn’t too unsatisfying. If so, just go read some smut instead! I’ve found that tends to do the trick. :D

Thanks for the balls-out ask! I had fun thinking about it! <3

[desceros]

i don’t think you have to apologize at all for not having a symphony update tbh! it’s very gracious of you to do so but i hope people remember that it’s your passion project first and foremost and not anything any of us readers (regardless of how involved or invested you allow us to be) should feel we have any say over, schedule wise. i love your writing and will always wait for it, and know a lot of your other readers will probably say the same!

(as an aside: something i noted when i first started following you in december was how prolific you were… like the fact i could check your blog every day and there was some food?? i was floored. but even your current posting sched impresses me—the fact that you say you’ll have something out one day and on that day IT IS OUT. idk maybe i am used to my old fandoms being more casual or being interrupted by life, as fandoms with adults tend to be like. so you writing and sharing as much as you do is not something i take for granted. thank you as always.)

(i hope this message reads as appreciative / friendly as i intend it to be hhhh… i’m sorry if not…)

thank you for your kind message! i have a rather long one in return, i do apologize, but it is me, so we should probably have all seen it coming! :D

so, i've kind of talked about it here and there, but i have a wrist that is pretty sensitive to overworking. in high school, i would practice music for hours and hours every day without properly stretching or taking breaks, because no one told me i should do so. as a result, i really wrecked the tendons, and my ulnar nerve in particular has a tendency to flare up. it's quite painful when it hurts, and before it starts properly hurting, i experience i kind of buzzing numbness that is distinctly uncomfortable. it's not severe enough for surgical intervention, but it's definitely a limiting factor in what i'm capable, mechanically, of doing in a day.

back around november/december, i was posting a lot more. but that was with me disregarding my wrist and pushing through the pain, such that for the first couple of weeks in january it was nearly impossible for me to write. this was emotionally agonizing, because i love writing so, so much, and i wanted to share everything in my head with all of you! i felt like i was failing on a precedent i had set for myself, and it's very irritating seeing my mountain of projects getting bigger because i can't write quickly enough to put a dent in it and not just because i was coming up with more ideas (which is, to be clear, still suuuuch a problem haahahhaa).

it got to the point where i started confiding in my partner and my friends about my issue, and they all insisted that i start slowing down. and they're right! i was being reckless with my health, knowingly this time, and they're absolutely correct that i need to take breaks. take days where i don't write. days where i rest, and stretch, and let my wrist heal and recover.

i know it sucks as a reader, i really do, especially if you came on board during that time when i was being super active. and i'm not apologizing, per se, since i'm certainly not going to apologize for prioritizing health over hobby. but i do understand the... hm. i'm going to say frustration, but perhaps i mean the disappointment, or the whiplash maybe, from having someone going from posting very very frequently to less so. i'm still what i'd categorize as an active, prolific writer, but it is infuriating to know that, without this injury, i'd be capable of much more. it annoys me to no end, i swear! but i am purposefully stepping back, for my health, and for the worry of my friends and love ones.

all that said! nothing is on hiatus, nothing is being cancelled, none of that. it's just going to take me longer to work through things than any of us would like, hahahaha. so i really do thank you for your sweet and encouraging message, and i appreciate all of you for every thoughtful wish you send, all of your funny comments on my fics, and your support. i'm actually getting to the happy problem that there are so many that it's not quite feasible for me to respond to all of them individually, but i do read and treasure each one. this is the most uplifting, positive fandom i've ever experienced, and it really does make a difference as a writer knowing that people are filled with joy when i share my art and then go and spin that joy back out into the world.

[sassyandclassy94]

10 Questions for 10 Writers

Thank you SO much for the tag, @coneygoil !! You have no idea how much I love being included in these things🫶🏻

1. Is writing a hobby or a way of life?

Sadly, it’s just a hobby. My life’s kinda too busy to make it a lifestyle

2. A journal full of notes, or a clean completed manuscript?

A clean completed manuscript, thank you very much. Which is pretty ironic, given I’m a pretty chaotic woman.

3. Who (or what) is your writing inspiration?

SwanFire and ThePhoenixFeatherQuill. I went through a Once Upon a Time phase became a huge SwanFire shipper after my first rewatch and one night while I was lying in bed, I looked up SwanFire fanfics. The Phoenix’s masterlist was like, the first or second search result? So I clicked on it when lo and behold! The Spinner’s Son captured my interest. I clicked on it and fell in love. I looked for other medieval AUs but couldn’t find any so naturally, after seeing posts about writing what you went to read, I decided to try my own hand at writing one.

4. Which is worse: Someone you ‘idolize’ reading your first draft or listening to you sing?

Well… I’m not a singer (I sing WITH people sometimes) so, definitely having someone I look up to read my first draft. I remember when Red (an awesome writer who I also look up to and tumblr friend - check out his Into the Woods, it’s amazing!!) told me he checked out Secrets, Lies and Blessings after we met and started interacting during covid. I was mortified and wanted to crawl into a hole.

5. Has writing from someone else’s POV changed your perspective?

Um, maybe….? I delved into OC stuff this year and wrote a fic about Gale Cleven. Two people with totally different personalities and characterization than Baelfire and Emma so, I guess yes? Maybe it didn’t change my perspective but it’s helped me grow as a writer maybe? I don’t know, maybe I don’t understand this question…?

6. Tumblr, AO3, LiveJournal, or FFN?

AO3 and FFN by far!! They’re my favorites and go-tos. I started out on those babies! I think FFN is slowly dying though😔

7. AO3 word count? And are you satisfied with it?

105,744 - No, I wish it was higher. If it was it’d mean I’m more prolific.

8. What movie/book gripped you irrevocably?

Once Upon a Time started my writing hobby. I needed Neal to be happy and I was gonna write that, darn it! But with running out of ideas, writing SwanFire for 6 years straight, and going through a kind of heartbreak, I got really burnt out and kinda stopped for a while. It was The Boys in the Boat and Masters of the Air that inspired me to start writing again❤️ Don and Gale, man! They have a hold on me!!

9. What’s the highest compliment you could ever be given, and have you been given it?

That my writing is better than I give it credit for. And yes, Red told me that four years ago. He said it more articulate than that though (former English teacher and all, lol!) and him saying that made me feel a little more confident in my writing. I’ve gotten some pretty nice compliments about keeping my characters’ personalities true to canon and that’s pretty high praise too because I go real out of my way to do that.

10. What defines your writing style?

I… don’t even know? Even though most of my stories are romance, there’s also a heavy emphasis on friendship because a good old fashioned friendship is important to me (e.g. Emma and Eleanor). Theyre also very emotional. Whether it’s someone falling in love, preparing for parenthood, or suffering from PTSD, I want my readers to feel what he/she is going through and to be able to relate to them on a personal and intimate level.

Tags: Not me racking my brain to think of all the writers who follow and/or engage with me, and/or are in my notes🤕 @phoenixwrites @ljf613 @solo-pitstop-vibes @okieedokes @swanfireprincessmydear @fictional-at-heart @redbone135 @heatherfield @strangethings-everywhere @plasmabluefire @themeepyfreak And whatever other writer sees this and wants to participate, please consider yourself tagged! You can even say I tagged you. I want you all, especially new writers, to be included🫶🏻 No cliques in SassyAndClassy’s house!!! Oh my gosh is that ten??? DID I DO IT???? We won’t talk about how long that took me to come up with all of you🥴 I hope none of you will be annoyed that I tagged you🫣

[young-adult-catholic]

Can I ask some advice. I was pro choice for years but recently became pro life but now I’m struggling with the realization that all my pro choice friends have really hateful attitudes towards babies and even disabled people that I didn’t notice when I was pro choice. I want to say something but doing so would admit that I changed my mind and I’m afraid they won’t want to be friends with me; they don’t have nice thoughts on prolifers and I don’t want them dismissing me as a brainwashed prude

Hello, thank you so much for your ask! Also, in case nobody else has told you, welcome to being pro life! It is extremely brave of you to make that change when everyone around you has a different view point. As far as advice for talking to them, it is definitely really tough, and I don’t have all of the answers.

My number one piece of advice is to come at it with love and remind them to do the same. A lot of times people who feel very strongly about something feel attacked when they are confronted about it, and it’s important to state out loud that even if you disagree with them, you still love them.

As someone who has been in similar situations regarding different beliefs, if you do feel like you need to speak up about it, you don’t necessarily have to start a debate doing it. A lot of times I’ll say something like “Hey, that’s a human person you’re talking about there” or “That’s not cool, how would you feel if someone said that about you,” which tends to get them to drop the topic.

As far as having a conversation about it, let them come to you and be genuine about it. Explain your points using science-- don’t use religion to convince them if they aren’t religious. Remind them (and remember) that both sides are usually coming at this out of a desire to help women, so we can agree on a lot of concrete solutions that aren’t abortion, such as crisis pregnancy centers and better care for moms. You could also point out that in a lot of ways, abortion is extremely misogynistic and does much more to hurt women-- for example, it’s much cheaper to pay for an abortion than it is to pay for the support the mother will need, so many in society would rather do that then provide women with what they need. 

Another thing to remember is that a lot of pro choice woman have had abortions, and in today’s society, people tend to judge their self worth based off of the actions they have done. So if they have done something “bad” they consider themselves “bad” and they can’t fix that. It means that a lot of those women are going to be more resistant to pro life arguments because they don’t want to be bad, and because if they admit that the unborn are humans, then it means they killed their baby.

This is really tough to deal with, and there is no good answer to it outside of the Sacraments. But I would take the time to remind them that just because you do something wrong, it doesn’t make you a bad person. Yes, there is nothing we can do to undo that mistake, but that doesn’t mean that saying it isn’t a mistake is the right answer. Remind them that you love them (and if they are religious, remind them that God loves them and that they can and will be forgiven).

I know this is long, but I hope that it helped!

[pazziville]

Can I Be Him — A Pazzi Fic

Wherein Paige Bueckers, UConn’s prolific point guard, has been in love with Azzi Fudd, her longtime best friend and current teammate for the longest time. The persistence in scouting the girl to the huskies was not for nothing. But of course, Paige kept this fact to herself. Yet, even after all these years, behind the basketball star’s confident and cocky-like attitude, lies insecurities for seemingly not being enough for Azzi.  Azzi constantly reminding Paige of the reality that she may never have feelings for the girl the same way the girl has for her when she repeatedly talks to Paige about her boy problems, deflates the latter’s self-esteem, while Azzi remains unaware. With the next season around the corner and Paige’s newfound courage to move on from Azzi, what would become of their relationship?

CHAPTER 2.

word count: 1,548

Chapter 1

“You have got to stop pacing around, Az. If it’s not making you dizzy, it definitely is making me.” Ice annoyingly tells off Azzi and goes back to munching on her popcorn while watching a TV show from the bed.

Azzi flops herself back first on the bed, covers her face with both hands and screams.

Ice flinches causing some of her popcorn to fall to the bed, “Girl what is wrong with you?!”

The girl gets back up and goes back to pacing, earning a ‘what the fuck’ look from her roommate who is considering calling 911 at the sight she’s currently witnessing.

“I messed up. I messed up. I messed up. I messe–” Azzi chanted while pacing before being held and stopped by Ice who was forced to now stand alongside her if she wanted her much wanted peace and quiet.

“What did you do?” Ice sternly asks her as if she was an interrogator trying to get the truth out from a criminal, which in this case was Azzi.

“I swear I didn’t mean to do it–” Azzi found herself avoiding the topic altogether.

Ice grew impatient, tightening her grip on Azzi’s arms, “Spill or none of us are gonna shit done here.”

It was Azzi’s turn to hold on to Ice’s arms as if it was a call for help, “I called Paige stupid and reckless.”

The two stayed in the same position for quite some time while keeping their eye contact intact.

A laugh from Ice breaks the silence between them and Azzi whines, “Ice, this is not funny!”

“It might not be for you but it for sure is for me.” Ice’s laughter grows louder as she further thinks about the situation.

Ice’s laughter fades slowly as she lets out a question, “Were the insults justified at least? To be fair knowing Paige, she can definitely be stupid and reckless sometimes.”

Azzi stomps her feet in regret as she recalls what she did, “That’s the thing, Ice. I think I definitely went too far with what I said.”

“Alright alright, let’s sit down first and get the whole picture. For sure you had your reasons. Now, tell me. What happened that led up to you saying those words to Paige?” Ice sits down and taps on the bed, signaling Azzi to sit down with her.

Ice knew Azzi had the tendency to be extremely sensitive to the people around her, making her confused as to why the girl could have uttered such insensitive words to someone, let alone to her best friend Paige. 

Heck, at times when opponents would say even the slightest dirt to the girl, Azzi would take it personal, as if she was the one talked trash to, immediately doing her best to distract Paige. Usually it didn’t take much for Azzi to get Paige to smile. Paige needed as little as Azzi looking at her with concern to make her smile from ear to ear.

Something didn’t add up. Seeing how stressed Azzi currently is, Ice knew there was more than meets the eye and she was determined to get whatever this is out of Azzi’s system.

Azzi was hesitant and Ice realized this, caressing the girl’s shoulder as a means of assurance that whatever is said in the room stays in the room, getting her trust and getting her to finally talk, “I don’t know what got to me. I saw Nika and Paige playing King of The Court. Even by then I was already pissed at Paige and I don’t even know why myself. My anger elevated the moment Nika got hurt. Then I saw Paige taking care of Nika. Then the words just slipped out my mouth and I just…” Azzi covered her face with her hands once again but this time in relief that she finally got that out her chest.

“So let me get this straight…” Even though there was nothing straight about what Azzi just told her. Ice thought. “Nika and Paige were just playing King of The Court, you were mad at Paige for no apparent reason. When Nika got hurt and you saw Paige taking care of her you got even more angry and let your emotions talk. Am I right?”

Azzi nodded, now looking at Ice with puppy eyes, desperately looking for advice. 

“Yeah, uhm. Have you maybe thought of the fact that you could be jealous of Paige being with Nika?” Ice suggests, eliciting quite a violent reaction from Azzi.

“What?! That’s insane! Why would I be?!” Ms. Curly Hair becomes defensive.

“Hey hey, calm down. When I say you’re jealous, I don’t mean romantically. Maybe you could be jealous your best friend is caring for someone other than you. You know, the platonic kind of jealousy.” Ice explains herself, earning an “oh” from Azzi.

“Unless…” Ice teased. It obviously worked on Azzi as she playfully hits Ice’s arm.

Azzi stands up with an enlightened face, realizing Ice is probably right. She rushes out the room, eager to fix things between her and Paige, “Thank you, Ice! I owe you one big time! Love you!”

Ice shakes her head and sighs, “At this rate they’re gonna hurt each other immensely before realizing.”

Azzi had no idea where Paige currently was. The girl had gone radio silent. Not a single annoying text and random call popped up from the blonde on Azzi’s phone. But despite this, she thinks she knows her best friend enough to trust her instincts. Paige, when not preoccupied in bothering Azzi, always turned to basketball. She’s also had enough fights with Paige to know she beats herself up with practice right after their fights.

Azzi’s guess was proven right while she was walking down the UCONN gym hallways. The sound she heard coming from a single person’s shoes was enough to confirm it. She knew Paige doesn’t like practicing with other people when she was getting her personal practices in. Of course team practices were a different story. Maybe that’s why the sight of Nika practicing with Paige a while ago bothered Azzi? She brushes this thought away and proceeds to enter the indoor court.

A sweaty and out of breath Paige is what Azzi met the second she entered. But despite Paige looking like she just finished a triathlon, the UConn point guard still showed no signs of stopping. The girl was doing everything. Shooting from everywhere on the court, grabbing her own rebounds, then running up and down the court whenever she failed to make a shot.

Paige was so locked in she didn’t even notice Azzi’s presence on the court and Azzi couldn’t help but feel even more guilty as she recalled a memory of her and high school Paige.

“Why are you so worked up in these personal practices of yours for the past few weeks?” High school Azzi innocently asks the hard-working senior from Hopkins.

Paige looked at her with a vulnerable expression, something only reserved for Azzi, “If I can’t get you to commit to UConn, that must mean I’m not good enough as a player for you to trust me.”

Azzi connects the dots, “So you’re working extra hard so you’ll earn my trust and hopefully play for UConn?”

“I care about what you think.” Paige sincerely says in a soft tone, making Azzi’s heart beat slightly faster, “So if me being good enough is what it takes to earn your trust, I’ll do it in a heartbeat.”

So if me being good enough is what it takes to earn your trust, I’ll do it in a heartbeat. Paige’s words repeat in Azzi’s mind like a tape loop, affecting her after seeing Paige go back to doubting her capabilities because of her.

Azzi slowly makes her way near Paige who was currently attempting a three from the top of the key. Paige’s shot attempt clanked at the rim and went straight to Azzi’s direction, forcing her to catch the ball.

As Paige turned around to try and retrieve the ball, she was met with the shorter, curly haired girl, and brown eyed girl she was so desperately trying to run away from, mentally and physically.

“You’re doing it again.” Azzi worriedly says, receiving a weak chuckle from Paige.

“In a heartbeat.” Paige gets closer and Azzi swears she stopped breathing the moment the first step was made.

“I’m sorry.” Azzi apologizes, waiting for Paige’s reaction or response, but once she said those two words, Paige stopped getting closer.

“If that’s all, you can go now. I’ve already forgiven you since you said those words.” Paige says, slowly grabbing the ball from Azzi’s hands.

Azzi feels a pang in her chest when Paige seemingly wants to scoot her away, “You know you can just say you want me to stay away from you, Paige.”

“But I don’t, Azzi.” Paige says, “I don’t want you to leave me here but I’m assuming you’re the one who doesn’t want to see me and is just forcing yourself to apologize to me and I just don’t know what to do–” She addedly rambled but then gets cut off by Azzi suddenly hugging her.

“I fucked up, P.” Azzi tightens her embrace around the older girl, “Let me make it up to you.”

a/n: here's chapter two for everyone! hopefully the pacing and understandability's still alright by this point. suggestions and feedbacks are highly appreciated. please do know that english is not my first language and the chapters are mostly not proofread, so any part of the story that may need revisions, kindly tell me. thank you! hoping everyone's having a great day so far! much love. <3

[thebroccolination]

hey key!

I wanted to ask; do you have any winteam fic recs on AO3?

If yes, could you please suggest?? Thank you! Just asking for myself to read. And for others too!

I do! Okay, lemme try to assemble an eclectic mix and hopefully introduce a variety of writers and older fics that new fans might not have seen yet. I’m not caught up on all the newest fics (a lovely state of being to be in after two and a half years of refreshing the WinTeam tag every five minutes and finding one or maaaybe two a week). But you’re free to browse my bookmarks on AO3 for all my favorites.

bruises fade by @oopsimafannow

He can't even make his tongue form the shape for yes, but it's all he wants to say (it's all he wants to say out loud). Team is sucking a bruise on the inside of Win's thigh – he has, at some point, lifted Win's leg over his shoulder to give him access, tilting Win further into the cold metal with edges that bite into his shoulder blades.

The writing in this is some of the best and most visceral smut I've read in this or any fandom. I love when sex is written in a kind of matter-of-fact way that gives readers an idea of the sensations the characters are feeling. I'd read anything pinkish wrote, and I have two of their fics open in tabs. (One is for BounPrem's Cutie Pie characters WinTop, so I'm thrilled that exists.)

Course Correction by @nejineeee

“Did someone say you suck at kissing?” Win asked. He gripped Team’s hips in both hands. “Who have you been kissing, Team?” He sounded like he might start chewing rocks if Team didn’t answer immediately. “No one, no one, calm down,” Team said with a laugh. “I was just curious.”

I read most of this on a train in Japan and experienced a state of pure bliss the entire time. The characterization is spot-on, but so is the pacing and the comedic timing and phrasing. This is my favorite WinTeam fic at the moment, and I highly, highly recommend it. <3

Always Choose the Same by blackrose9212

“Win, do you want to talk about Tea—” Dean gets cut off as Manow sprints over to their table, throwing herself down into the seat across from them. She’s even more made up than usual today, no doubt seeing Pruk later. “P’Win!” she yells. Win raises his eyebrows, gives her the best look he can to say that he’s less than three feet away from her. “Oh. Sorry.” She giggles. “I need you to come with me. Right now.”

This writer was one of the first around in early UWMA fandom, and I fell in love with all their fics. The clever, snarky way they write Win and Team's narrative POVs always makes me smile, and the build-up to emotion is lovely. If they write more, I'll dive on it in a second.

The Gift Is Your Voice by Ume_otyaduke0525

“Ah…o-one more time.” He felt Win’s hand tense. His face drew closer, his hot breath glazing Team’s lips. “Team.” The second time was sweet and enraptured.

This writer is an extremely prolific Japanese WinTeam fic writer, and I loved her work in Japanese so much that I offered to translate this one into English. The premise is really cute, with Team dreaming about a younger Win who calls him "phi", and I hope I did the translation justice. If you read Japanese or want to practice, they have some of their other work up on AO3 as well.

maybe time will keep this place by sweetadeline

When [Team] wakes up in the morning his mother is at the door, rubbing at her neck. Win is still snuggled into Team's shoulder, so he untangles himself as softly as he can, praying he doesn't wake. He oddly feels like he's been caught, the way his mother looks at him as she stays by the door.

Note: This fic was written before we knew anything specific about Team's parents.

This fic has a fascinating premise: Team has to attend his father's funeral, and Win goes with him. It's written so beautifully and delicately, I just fell so thoroughly in love with it when I read it the first time. It's one of my all-time favorites. It's just so atmospheric and lovely.

like someone who knows everything about you by @mendacity17

“Just so we're clear, I'm not cuddling with you at night," Win declares before Dean has finished setting his suitcase on the floor. Dean looks up at him, completely unfazed. “Okay.” It’s… Dean. Win didn’t realize just how much he's missed him, and he feels a wave of homesickness that leaves a scratch at the back of his throat.

This one is set while Win is studying abroad in London. Dean comes to visit him. Pollitt's love for writing Win and Dean's friendship really shines here, and they truly capture that playful snarkiness while never losing that distinctive and undeniable fondness they have for each other. (The end is incredible and made me tear up.)

New York State of Mind by iamtheenemy

“Oh, Team,” Pharm said, interrupting his frenzied thoughts and shattering any hope Team had that it was all a misunderstanding. “This is P’Win, P’Dean’s best friend, the one who was interning for his family’s company in England. P’Win, this is my friend, Team.” Team, Win mouthed at him, his eyes dancing with delight. Team barely held back a groan.

I was obsessed with this fic as it was posting; I could hardly wait for each chapter. This is a marvelous AU in which Win was studying abroad in England the whole time, and the first time he meets Team is on a plane to New York for DeanPharm's wedding. It's exactly what you'd expect and so much more.

Wrapped Up by @faandomcentral

“We can do better than that,” Team prompts, both hands now gripping Win’s hips, pulling him back in time with his movements. “A little louder, hia.” “Fuck!” Win spits when Team reaches and wraps his fingers around Win’s aching erection.

TEAMWIN. TOP TEAM. And hot Top Team. Bratty Top Team. Blair's another writer who absolutely nails what works about good smut. And the premise alone, while simple, just sets you up for a memorable experience.

your quietest feeling by @sollucets

Team moves his hand again to settle over Win’s, and when he thinks he can control his voice, he murmurs, “Did you have a nightmare?” Win’s expression looks pained, and he hesitates over it, but he does admit it. “Yeah,” he mumbles, clearing his throat after the word comes out scraping. “I did.”

For years, I wanted to know more about Win's vulnerabilities as a character. We didn't really get to see many of them in the existing parts of the novel or in UWMA, so fics like this that explore Win's trauma, Win's potential vulnerability to nightmares, it's a gift. And this fic captures the Win we know so well while adding onto his character in such an achingly real way. Utterly beautiful.

Dominoes by dragons_and_angels

"Team," Win said, making sure his lips brushed against Team's skin as he said the word. Team shivered and Win wondered if he could ever stop smiling. "Want to wake up yet?" "No." Team shook his head and then turned Win's head so he could kiss him. "Waking up is bad," Team murmured against Win's lips.

This is pure, soft domestic bliss. Win helps Team out with a chaotic morning, and it's just everything I love about them as characters condensed in a quick look into their day. It's absolutely charming the way only WinTeam can be.

+BONUS

Prelude by @nejineeee

“You’re in pre-heat then,” P’Tul said, leaning forward. His nostrils flared as he inhaled deeply. It wasn’t rude per se, but it wasn’t the soberest thing to do. Win’s grip on Team’s hip tightened. “Tul,” Win growled. P’Tul stood upright, settling back into his sandals. “I’m not going into heat,” Team said again.

For me, omegaverse is usually just fun smut that I read occasionally, but in order to be taken seriously, the story has to go above and beyond in some very specific ways. I'm not a fan of omegaverse worldbuilding that leans on secondary genders as a substitute for the struggle of gender roles within heteronormative culture. This fic's worldbuilding is so fascinating. There are so many tiny nuances and details mentioned in passing that make the world feel authentic. Also, Win and Team are both just…………so stupid and so in love they miss obvious details in a way that's delightful instead of frustrating. Even if you're not the biggest fan of omegaverse usually, I recommend this as an exception to prove how good it can be when it's in the right hands.

--------

There are more in my AO3 bookmarks!

I'll also come back and edit this if I find tumblr urls for the writers above!

[read-marx-and-lenin]

Re: My friends say Marxism-Leninism is Stalinist revisionism of Marx and Lenin and also the focus on “scientific” elements is extremely weak empirically and undermines communism by being pseudo-scientific. Are they wrong?

Not a hater, just want to know why they’re wrong. I’ve read the passages they’ve linked about socialist commodity production being a contradiction, and that seems true.

Also, reading history of Marxist-Leninist texts, seems like Stalin had influence over the formation of it as an ideology—famously Marx was not a Marxist (I know the context of the quote, but I think the point is still generally true) and Lenin was not a Leninist, but a Marxist. It is hard to not be suspicious of Stalin since I really can’t believe the treatment of the Old Bolsheviks was justified*

Especially because the M-Ls I see on here defend modern China (not fully, but a decent amount), and I don’t get how someone could say the Old Bolsheviks would need to be dealt with as they were AND that modern China is anything but complete bourgeois revisionism. The majority of the Maoists I know do not consider modern China socialist at all, so it is confusing to me to see M-Ls avoid full denunciations.

Again, I am not a hater or anything, I am trying to understand what seem to be contradictions in what I hear from my friends and read from theory.

I wouldn't say socialist commodity production was any more a contradiction than the socialist economy itself. Too often people get caught up in these thought patterns where they think things like "well why didn't the communist party just abolish money? Why did they pay different workers different amounts? Were they secretly bourgeois? Was it all just state capitalism?" I used to think all these things myself. It's a difficult process to study and understand how socialist economies came to be and the material conditions they faced in building up socialism in the real world.

The Soviets were not ignorant of the difficulties and contradictions inherent to economic planning within a socialist economy. The socialist economy was not viewed as ideal or as an end, and at every stage efforts were taken to minimize contradictions and deviations whenever possible. Whether or not you agree with the direction it was taken in or how effective their methods were, you must acknowledge that it was one step towards an eventual goal and not the goal itself, and that it was shaped by the material conditions not only within the Soviet Union but within the global economy, which the Soviet Union could not avoid interacting with if they wanted to develop their own economy.

If you want to know more about the Soviet perspective on the socialist economy, then it's a good idea to read contemporary Soviet textbooks, such as this 1954 textbook, Political Economy. Chapter 32 in particular goes into detail about socialist commodity production and the role of money in the Soviet economy.

As the leader of the Soviet Union during one of its most tumultuous periods and as a prolific author, I don't think it would be possible for Stalin not to have had a profound influence on Marxist-Leninist theory. His 1951 work "Economic Problems of Socialism in the USSR" was certainly fresh on the minds of those who put together the textbook I just mentioned. Regardless of how you feel about Stalin as a person (and to be clear, I do not think he was a good person for many reasons,) to simply dismiss everything he said or wrote or to dismiss everything inspired by his words as contaminated with some kind of original sin is to be more than just pseudo-scientific, it is to be entirely unscientific. If you are trying to make an effort to understand the development of socialism as it applies to the real world, then ignoring Stalin would just create an unnecessary gap in your knowledge. For better or worse, Stalin had a part in the shaping of socialism and socialist theory, regardless of which strain of thought you personally subscribe to.

Defending China and considering China to be socialist or non-revisionist are two different things. The Western attacks on China are still imperialist, anti-socialist and anti-communist despite any revisionism or liberalism in China, and the potential for the Chinese working class to achieve socialism or communism exists despite any revisionism or liberalism. I don't think it's uncontroversial to say that whether or not you agree with the liberal reforms in China, that China is still much more poised to achieve communism than any Western nation is. Deng might have been a revisionist, but compared to Gorbachev, his liberal reforms weren't nearly as destructive.

I linked this video in response to two other asks about China, and if you want to learn more you should definitely watch it.

[taegularities]

rid, my lovie !! my sweets !!

🚨 : ( rant incoming )

some of these recent asks have been making me want to start throwing gang signs or sum 💀 i know there are always gonna be some of these asks given the vast audience you have, and that they are just drowning in anticipation.

however, the undertone? 😭 do these people realize that you are a prolific writer, churning out quality contents faster than locusts can reproduce and infest? 🤨 RELATIVELY SPOKEN !!

good contents take time to plan, produce and publish !!

REMEMBER THE TRIPLE P. for an author who doesn't even ask you to pay, and responds with kindness only.

so, let's learn and practice more kindness and respectfulness here. thank you. ( sorry, if i sound like a teacher's pet, but rid is just too good to us )

anyway, we are nonetheless excited for your next releases, and 'entertainer' even after all this time.

( rant end )

꒰ ❛ ❜ personal lil message ꒱ ‎

rid, am so sorry for not getting back to your last 'ruined' response. i thought you hadn't answered it yet !! and are you kidding me? a!oc is my babiest baby !! of course, i adore her a lot. i remember somebody saying she is like a 'sunny weekend after a wet weather' or something, but bit more condescending— made me wanna throw some gang signs again, tafaq 😫 had to overcompensate with my repeated 'ruin you' asks, but i promise i equally read and enjoy your other stories. even sent asks about them before ( just not in my 🎀🖇🩵 style, haha ) and i'm thankful for each of the sweet responses from you : every. single. time!!

oh, by the way, i came across this pin today : https://pin.it/2rY2xnZtj

kinda ruined!tae on wedding night coded? 'i missed this' x 'it's only been two days' x 'and? i miss you all the damn time' ❤️‍🔥 can i please just ask what's the duo's moodboard like? ik they are a v monetesque, pastoral, serene and the whole artists garden at giverny + the water lily pond + beach at saint adresse!based couple.

but if possible i still wanna see them more from your artistic mind, my love. thank you. xo.

last but not least, must i mention how proud i am of you bc of the whole gaza take and activism on this platform? 🍉 it might be a bare minimum for a reality so cruel, but it matters. thank you for using your resources, and for saying how you listen to certain artists less bc of their lack of voice on this issue. every act matters. let's stay strong and

—take care. 🎀🖇🩵

gang signs omg lol 😭 honestly, i'm so thankful for the audience and the excitement everybody brings! the tone was a little off, but as i said, i'm pretty sure they didn't mean it that way, so i'm like, not mad or anything hehe. i hope they enjoyed entertainer!! it's true, though, that i've been a bit slow this year, but we try our best in this corner of our world. but thank you so much for saying that 😭 i'm flattered you appreciate my existence here and are so kind <3

it's okay, love, no reason to apologise. a!oc was everyone's baby, like she's still one of my favourite ocs i've written!! it's beyond crazy that people still remember her and this story overall. lmao yeah someone said she feels like a wet weekend after a sunny vacation or something idk it was way out of line, but what can we do.. i laughed 🤣 THANK YOUUUU for dropping by, whether with your signed asks or in any other way ily ily!!!

plsss on their wedding night?

more like always 😂 but so true. their mood boarddd hmmm, wait i'll go and make one rq brb *5 minutes later* i'd say that's them 🥺 def some monet, rain and autumn vibes

and ofc!! i think i could do even more and share even more. every thought counts. i can't even remember saying i listen to artists less, but it's 100% true, and i also try to avoid big chains such as starbucks, which i think we all should. take care as well, love 🤍

[hyunnieshannie]

Miroh

Chapter Two: Fair Fight

WC: 4.9k

Pairing: Jeongin x AFAB Reader / OT8 x AFAB Reader

Series General Synopsis: Hundreds of men respected you, bowed down to you, and most importantly feared you. None other than the second in command, and in line to take over one of the most prolific gangs in all of South Korea, Miroh. You had it all, money, respect, and seven of the most loyal men by your side. So why do you feel the need to bring in one more? What’s so special about this so-called assassin, Chan?

General Warnings: Violence, Mentions of blood, fluff if you squint, strong language, anything else I may have missed please let me know

PREVIOUS MASTER LIST NEXT

“Jesus christ, this is exhausting” one of the recruits, Jongho, said to another, Mingi.

“Bro, I know. I didn’t know it was going to be this intense. I would’ve prepped more if I knew to expect this.” Mingi said as he wiped the sweat off of his forehead.

The first of the tests was quite simple, in your and Changbins opinion. It was a fighting match. Recruits go head to head to win each fight. All fighting styles were welcome, as long as no weapons were involved. Each opponent that won moved forward in the winners bracket, and those who lost still had the ability to prove their strength in the losers bracket. Recruits were allowed to choose any opponent that was present in the room, which was always entertaining for you. For some reason the recruits really loved to pick Hyunjin and Han, who on the outside seemed weaker than they actually were. And your two boys always showed how skilled they were when it came to fighting. It always brought you such joy to see your boys absolutely crush the spirits of the new recruits.

It was another recruit's turn to pick their opponent. “We’re allowed to pick anyone?” he questioned.

Changbin nodded. The recruit smirks devilishly. “Ok. Her. I choose her.” he said as he pointed his finger at you. Everyone in the room was suddenly quiet. You remained stone faced and looked at Changbin whose eyebrows were squeezed tight on his face. You sighed and began taking off your jacket. You handed your now empty mug of coffee to Han and your jacket to Hyunjin as you made your way to the recruit. You could hear Changbin mutter your name quietly but it didn't stop you. You looked past the recruit and noticed Chan eyeing you, his hands curled into a tight fist, his eyebrows scrunched together in irritation. The smirk on the recruits face told you enough about him already - proud, thought he was hot shit, his ego too large to make up for his shit personality, someone who needs to learn their place.

You stood in front of him, hands at your side “are you sure?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

He pouted his lips at you, “having second thoughts, your highness?” he laced the nickname with poison. Your eye began to twitch. You turned towards Changbin and nodded for him to start the match. He rolled his eyes muttering “it’s your funeral” before he yelled for the start.

Your opponent immediately went to charge at you but you quickly dodged. How predictable of him. He turned around and charged back at you, you dodged again but this time landed a nice elbow to the back of his head. You reached into your pocket and fished a hair tie out to tie up your hair, giving your opponent a wave of your hand to pause his movements. He looked at you confused as he watched you finish tying up your hair. You chuckled, “well at least you have the ability to be obedient.” 

Apparently he didn’t like what you had to say and charged at you again, swinging his fist towards your face. You immediately blocked his fist, and landed your palm straight across his cheek, sweeping his arms towards his back and slapping your other palm right over his ear, successfully discombobulating him. He tried to kick out your legs, but you brought your knee up to his chest before he could, knocking the breath out of him. You landed blow after blow onto his chest and up to his face with your knee, successfully breaking his nose. He yelped as he stumbled away from you. He charged back to you, he grabbed at your waist and launched the both of you to the ground. You smirked up at him as he tried to wrestle for your hands. You got your legs out from under him and wrapped your legs around his head, pulling one of his arms up towards your head and you pushed your legs downwards, successfully trapping him in a leg lock. You squeezed your legs tighter and tighter as he continued to struggle to grab you with his remaining hand. He tried to kick his legs out to get leverage but you didn't budge. You just squeezed your legs tighter as you smiled and bit his hand that was trapped by your arms. You heard him make a gargled sound, most likely unable to make an audible sound because of your crushing thighs. You waited patiently until you felt him tap your thigh, signaling that he had indeed tapped out. You quickly let go of him and pushed yourself away. You got back on your feet and pulled your hair out of its ponytail as you walked back towards your boys. You felt movement behind you and you turned and WHAM. You punched your opponent square in his already broken nose causing him to fall to the ground. You tisked and shook your head at him, “Really? You couldn’t take the loss like a man and you just had to sneak up on me like a fucking coward?” You spat at him, “Bet you thought you were gonna win that fight easily, huh? Think again the next time you pick a woman cause you think she’s an easy target, alright?” you grabbed a towel from the stack in front of you and threw it in your opponent's face. 

You walked over to your boys and put your jacket back on and sat back down in your chair as if nothing had happened. The recruits were all looking around at each other, shocked that that had actually just happened. 

“Is it bad that I’m really turned on right now?” Han whispered into your ear. You laughed and pushed him away, making eye contact with Chan who seemed to be proud of the show you had just put on. 

“Well, who’s up next?” you asked, and the recruits got refocused to continue their trials.

~✷~

“Shooting range. As most of you know, this is a dangerous profession. Some of you have been in this game already and know just how bad it can get. We want to get a head start on where your skills lie. Targets will pop up across the field, you are to shoot every foe, but watch out for your teammates.” Hyunjin spoke from the observation deck with the recruits. “Alright Hannie, show em how it’s done” he spoke into the mic, notifying Han it was about to begin.

The buzzer sounded above the range, from the observation deck you could see the entire field. Debris everywhere, flashing lights throughout half the course, and targets everywhere. You could see Han make his way through the course, his hand gun poised and shining in his hand. Han was a fan of his silver glock - his go to weapon. He stalked his way through the course, expertly shooting each foe right through the center of the target and ignoring all of his “teammates” markers. After he successfully completed the course, the strobe lights turned green, marking he had successfully defeated all foes, and spared all teammates.

One recruit after another had gone through the course. Some failing and most passing by the skin of their teeth. The person you were waiting to watch the most, was last in the lineup, Chan. He had made his way to the course and awaited the signal. When the starting horn sounded, the strobes began. Chan was quite calm as he moved his way through the course, something a lot of the younger recruits around his age were lacking. Of course the older gentlemen who were recruited were basically pros at this, but for someone around Chan's age he seemed quite comfortable in the situation. He fired off round after round throughout the course, tagging his teammates as passes and shooting through all the foes. When he made it to the other side, the strobe light turned green, marking he had passed. A few of the younger recruits gasped in awe at how good this guy was. You were impressed to say the least, and judging from your boys' expressions, they were just as impressed.

Chan made his way back to the observation deck and was stopped by Hyunjin who met him out in the hallway. Chan had sized him up, he sure as hell was pretty, and surprisingly strong based on the fights he was pulled into during the last trials. Hyunjin looked at him quizzically.

“Where’d you learn to shoot like that? What’s your story?” Hyunjin asked, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the hallway wall.

Chan huffed and mirrored Hyunjins pose on the wall across from him. “I was a work for hire. Learned on the job basically.”

Hyunjin nodded, “so you’re an assassin.” he said plainly. Not really a question, more of a statement.

“I guess you could say that. I like to call it a gun-for-hire, but assassin works too.” Chan nodded back, finally earning a smile from the pretty man across from him.

Hyunjin didn’t say much else as he leaned off the wall and motioned from Chan to follow him back to the observation deck. Hyunjin made his way to stand behind you as Chan made his way to the front of the mob of recruits. Changbin began to address them all.

“Alright, we have a few more tests for you. We will be splitting you in half to make this process smoother. Half of you will be going with Hyunjin and Han to review interrogation techniques, and the other half will be following myself and Miss Y/n to review multi-weapons training.” Changbin announced as he listed off each name of the recruits, dividing them into their appropriate teams. 

The remainder of the tests were quite bland in your opinion. You were stuck observing the multi-weapons training when you would have much rather been a part of the interrogation squad. The only thing that was keeping your attention was the mystery recruit Chan. He was incredibly skilled, you could tell through his fighting style and his weapons training that he had been disciplined well in your world. You began to wonder where he learned it, itching to know more about this beautiful stranger. The more you watched him the more familiar he felt, like you had seen him before, but that was near impossible, you didn't recognize him at all. His aura was familiar, not his face. His face. You wondered where he got the scars that adorned his cheek, neck, and forehead. The gashes must have been deep to have left such scars. The one on his neck was the darkest and longest of the three. It stretched from below his ear to his jugular. The gash must have been cut with a ragged blade based on the way it had healed. The one on his cheek seemed to be just about faded but still quite visible, went from the top of his cheek bone down towards his lips. And the one that adorned his forehead sat above his left eyebrow almost all the way down to the eye. It seemed like he had seen some shit, much like you had. Maybe that’s why he felt familiar. 

You were pulled from your thoughts when Bin nudged your side, giving you a knowing glance. You rolled your eyes and muttered a ‘shut up’ before looking at the papers he was handing you. “It’s time to make some decisions.” Changbin had announced that the recruits would be escorted back to the main meeting room while the eight of you will deliberate on who will be brought into the ‘family’.

You met with all 7 boys in your private meeting room. It was your office but it was more of a living room than an actual office. There were large couches in the center of the room - enough to fit all eight of you - a large flat screen tv perched on the wall in front of the couches. A large workstation - Felix's usual spot - was placed neatly in the corner of the room next to the large floor to ceiling windows that stretched the back of your office. On the opposite end of the room was a large bookshelf adorned with movies, books, and photo albums of yours and the boys. In front of the bookshelf was your desk, simple, elegant, and of course covered in paperwork that you had not even dared to touch. And on the wall behind one of the couches was a mini kitchen, stocked with snacks, drinks, and of course your life-blood, coffee. Seungmin immediately made his way over to the coffee machine, noticing the exhausted look in your eyes.

You plopped yourself down on the couch dramatically, flinging your arm over your face and loudly sighing. “I fucking hate recruit day.” Jeongin chuckled as he snaked his way over to you, lifting the top half of your body off the couch so he could slither beneath you to rest your head on his lap as he played with your hair. You all began going through the recruits one by one, marking who should stay and what team they would best fit in. Seungmin had brought you your cup of coffee, and you thanked him wordlessly as you sat up and snuggled closer to Jeongin. Jeongin had repositioned himself sideways on the couch and opened up his legs and arms so you could cuddle more effectively against him. You smiled and shuffled your way on top of him, positioning your back against his chest and settling your legs across the couch. Seungmin had grabbed your legs off the cushion and sat down bringing your legs across his lap and gently began to massage your calves with one hand and remove your heels with the other.

“So what do we think about this Chan guy?” Han asked as they were getting towards the end of the recruit list. You perked up when you heard the name but tried to remain neutral. Jeongin however felt you stiffen and lightly chuckled in your ear, not mentioning your reaction to the other boys in the room which you had to thank him for later.

“I spoke to him after one of his trials. Apparently he used to be a gun-for-hire as he called it. Makes sense why he’s so skilled.” Hyunjin said as he looked at Bin and the rest of the boys.

Minho tipped his head to the side, “Doesn’t that mean ‘assassin’?”

“That’s what I said. But he said it sounded better as gun-for-hire. I can't help but agree on that one.” Hyunjin shrugged as he got up to get some snacks from the minikitchen behind him.

“Well, I think we let him in, especially since y/n couldn't keep her greedy eyes off of him.” Han smirked and wiggled his eyebrows at you.

You just rolled your eyes, “yeah as if you weren’t also checking him out.” you spat back and Han just stuck his tongue out at you not being able to think of a comeback.

“I’m gonna be honest, I didn’t think he’d be this good, especially since he literally came in off the streets. But he’s really good, I think he could be a valuable asset to our team.” Changbin listed off as he spoke more to Felix, Minho, and Seungmin about Chan's performance during the trials, filling them in on all the details. Jeongin was only half paying attention to the conversation as he was too busy playing with the ends of your hair and the zippers on your jacket, quietly humming to himself. 

“You’re awfully quiet.” you speak softly to Jeongin while the other boys continue their conversation.

Jeongin leans his head closer to yours and rests his cheek on the crown of your head. “Yeah.” he says so quietly even you almost missed it. You try not to bring too much attention to yourself by bringing your hand up to his, threading your fingers together.

“Was it too much today?” you whisper while rubbing your thumb over the back of his hand.

He squeezes your hand in acknowledgement. A silent way of letting you know he’s overwhelmed. Jeongin had been through a lot, and being around new people who were incredibly skilled at killing people always put more stress on him than he would have liked. Especially considering that you and the rest of his friends were professional killers. The difference is that he trusts the 7 of you with his life. Those strangers out there don't know him, don't know you. How can he feel comfortable without knowing if they had any ulterior motives? And you understood how he felt more than anyone. You went through that trauma once before, you don't want to live it again. Recruitment day was never a fun day for you or Jeongin. 

“How about you and I spend some quality time together later, hm? We can snuggle up and watch your favorite bad movie?” you say softly, still not wanting the other boys to try to interject into your much needed quality time with Jeongin. You felt him relax behind you slightly at your suggestion. He loved spending time with you, especially when it involved snuggling. You felt him nod his head and whisper softly, “that sounds really nice.” You smiled and brought his hand to your lips, leaving a soft and quick peck to his fingers. As you did so, it seemed that the boys had come to a conclusion about this Chan boy.

“So, how does that sound y/n?” Minho asked with a knowing look in his eyes. He totally caught on that you were not paying attention to them one bit. 

“Recap.” you said as you looked at Han.

“He’s good, we need another on our team to make 8. So we should add him to our squad. He’s skilled enough and he’s young enough. Also he's completely unaffiliated*.” Han listed off.

“How do we know he's not affiliated?” you asked leaning off of Jeongin to lean closer to the coffee table between the two couches.

“Lix looked while the recruits were trying to hack. Key word: trying.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. Apparently this year's tech recruits were as disappointing as last years.

“Yeah, I did my research. He was quite hard to find. No identification for him existed before 5 years ago. Seems like he did all sorts of “for-hire” work. He did work for multiple governments, a couple of crime families, apparently he was also a gym teacher and swimming instructor for a while. But the dude's track record is stacked. Every job he did, he hit his mark. Cleanly too. No mess.” Felix spoke as he tapped away on his computer in the corner of the room. He wasn't doing any actual work from the looks of it, most likely playing a mind-numbing game where he doesn't have to think too hard.

“Hm. And why do we need an 8th? I am the 8th.” you said matter-of-factly.

“We are an 8 piece love, but the 7 of us are basically your bodyguards. It would be more effective to have even pairs of bodyguards at all times. Either 2 and 2 or 4 and 4. You can't be your own bodyguard, so don't even ask.” Changbin cut you off before you could interject. You hate that you have to be protected. You hate to have the people you love most throw themselves in front of a bullet and die for you. You think that sort of loyalty is dumb, mostly because you don't want to lose the people closest to you. You love them far too much for that and you’ve already lost far too many people that way.

“Alright, fine. I won't put up a fuss, but he's your responsibility.” you quip to Changbin. He rolls his eyes but nods at you. You slump back into Jeongin’s chest, he firmly wraps his arms around you snuggling you closer. “Do I have to go back out there with you guys?” you whine as you pull Jeongins arms closer to your face.

“Yes, princess. You still have to come back with us.” Seungmin says with a soft look. “These are going to be your men, your soldiers, not Big Boss’s. You need to make sure they know who the real boss is, and that’s you.”

“And you know that they already doubt you cause you’re a woman,” Felix says, eyes still trained to the computer screen in front of him.

“Well not exactly,” Hyunjin giggles.

“What do you mean by that?” Seungmin asks, quirking an eyebrow between you and Hyunjin, Changbin, and Han.

“Some stupid ‘man’s man’ picked to fight Y/N during his trial. Let’s just say that guys gonna need to see a plastic surgeon to have a remotely normal face again.” Han giggled. You felt Jeongin squeeze you tighter into his chest. You just looked at Seungmin and shrugged your shoulders, earning a smirk from him. Seungmin nodded in approval and muttered, “proud of you”.

“Alright we gotta get going,” Changbin motioned for everyone to get up. He looked at you and Jeongin and his gaze softened slightly. “Out you fools.” He chirped at the rest of the boys, slowly 1 by 1 they left the room. Changbin looked at you and Jeongin, “we’ll be waiting out here when you guys are ready.”

He left the room and closed the door. You and Jeongin just sat in silence for a few seconds, his arms were still so tight around you. You rubbed up and down his arm trying to calm him down.

“I don't like that you fought one of them,” he whispered to you, just barely audible, you wouldn't have heard him if you weren't sitting so close to him.

“I had no choice Innie, it’s not like I wanted to,” you muttered back. “It’s part of the rules. Anyone who's in the room can be picked. I was in the room. He picked me. There’s nothing I could’ve done,” you could feel his arms tightening around you once again. “If it makes you feel any better, he barely got his hands on me.”

“Barely? So that means he got you?” There was worry laced in his voice. You pulled his arms from around you and maneuvered to face him, holding his hands tightly in yours.

“Innie, look at me. I’m ok. Not even a scratch or a bruise on me. You know I’m one of the best fighters in this crew, especially when it comes to dumbass men who think they can pick on women.” you reached up and cradled his cheek in your hand, he leaned into your hand and lightly nuzzled into it. “I promise I’m ok,” you said, giving him a soft smile.

“I’m sorry” he whispered, slowly wrapping his fingers around your hand on his cheek, “I know it's your job but I just get nervous, you know?” 

“I know Innie,” you whisper back, bringing his head down to yours to press his forehead to yours. “I don’t want you to worry too much okay? I’m a lot stronger now. Nothing’s gonna happen to me, especially when I have you guys around.”

“I know you can take care of yourself. I just don’t want anything to happen to you again.” he whispered softly, unable to look you in the eyes.

“That was a long time ago, Innie. I’m not the same I was then. I can take care of myself now. And when I can’t, you guys always have my back.” you smile at him.

He pulls your arms away from him and wraps you in a bone crushing hug. You both sat there for a few minutes, basking in each other's warmth. He gently pulls you away from him and smiles warmly at you.

“We should probably go,” he whispers, leaning forward to rest his forehead against yours. 

You hum in recognition, “and don’t forget you and I have a cuddle date later too.”

He chuckles at your teasing tone. You both remove each other from your embrace and walk out to the rest of the boys. Nobody asks either of you any questions. They’re already vaguely aware of what went on since it has happened every year on recruitment days.

All 8 of you make your way back to the recruits. Changbin names off all of the people who have been accepted to join your ranks and thanks the men and women who didn’t make it for their time. You stay silent at the front of the room, eyeing the recruits that are joining your ranks. They were all pretty incredible based on their results, you were lucky to have them join. Your eyes finally landed on Chan who has been staring at you since you walked back into the room with the boys. This time he was staring a little too intensely as Jeongin stood next to you, a little closer than he probably should have. You make eye contact with Chan and he seems to snap out of his staring. He fights a smile as you two continue to look at each other.

“Chan,” Changbin calls his attention and Chan immediately stiffens and looks quickly from you to Changbin. “Please stay here as we would like to give you your assignment. The rest of you may leave and join the rest of your new teams.”

“Before you all leave,” you speak loudly, immediately commanding the room, all of your newest recruits looking to you in attention. “Thank you for taking the time to come here today to join our ranks. I will work to the best of my ability to take care of you all and protect you as much as you protect me. I look forward to seeing all of your abilities in the future. Make sure you all have something to eat before you go to your assignments, Kihyun will show you to the cafeteria.” Kihyun nods at you from the door. All of the recruits are still standing there looking to you. “You are all dismissed.” you smile at your new members.

“Thank you Ma’am.” they all say.

“It’s Boss, not Ma’am” you correct

“Thank you Boss!” they all yell, you chuckle to yourself and watch as they all file out, leaving just you, your 7 boys, and the newest recruit to your inner circle Chan. He’s still standing at attention, waiting for direction from you. He was definitely well trained.

“Relax Chan, we’re not gonna haze you,” you look at Han and Seungmin, “well, I actually can't promise they won't.”

“Hey, what's that supposed to mean? We’ve never hazed anyone!” Han yells, throwing his hands in the air.

“Need I remind you of Jiung? You hazed him so much he had to leave our team and join cyber just to get away from you two.” 

“Heh, yeah I remember,” Seungmin smiles.

“Anyway, we have your new assignment.” Changbin eyed Seungmin and Hannie as they reminisced. “You’ll be joining our team, the direct inner circle of Boss. You'll still go through the extensive trainings like the other new recruits, but this is an incredible privilege for you. We don't normally let new recruits join our inner circle right off the bat, so you’ll have to prove that we can trust you with intel, but for now, your main mission is to protect Boss.”

Chan looked down at his feet and cautiously looked back up at you. “Can I ask why you’re entrusting me to protect you when you don't normally do this sort of thing?” he asked, almost shyly.

You could feel the rest of the boys looking at you expectantly. Chan had kept your eye contact, his features had softened, you could tell that he was a bit insecure or shy even about asking you that question. “Well, obviously you are incredibly skilled. Your resume was pretty vague so we did some digging into your past and learned about your past conquests.” You saw him flinch at that but you didn't comment on it. “You were at the top of the list compared to the other trainees, incredibly skilled for someone your age, and it seems like you would get along well with my boys.” You took a beat and softened your gaze on him. “And you intrigue me.” Chan once again stood rigid, as if your comment caused his brain to short circuit, causing you to smile and let out a light giggle. 

“I intrigue you?” Chan asked softly.

“The thing you’ll get to know about Y/N is that she is incredibly fascinated by people she can't read,” Minho said from behind you. His statement wasn't wrong but you were still slightly embarrassed and you turned around to punch him in the arm just causing him to laugh loudly, throwing his head back with a huge smile on his face.

“Well, if we’re done here, I have important things I have to get to. You are all dismissed. Jeongin, accompany me,” you said as you so desperately wanted to get out of that situation and just snuggle up with Innie and watch movies for the rest of the day. The rest of the boys already had an idea that you weren't actually doing any work, but Chan just stood there still gazing at you. The boys said their farewells and you and Jeongin left to head up to your bedroom.

Tags @chanlixiiee @channiesbub @jaebaebaegot7 @maeleelee @iadorethemskz @maenijw @hangin-out-with-the-street-rats @sinforsuccubus ♡Thank you for letting me tag you♡