#i feel like its the only bad flaw i have
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In my jealous moments again
#me and my worst demon#the jealousy#i feel like its the only bad flaw i have#im just seeing all these wonderful creatoes#creators*#man their art so stunning#and mine look so childish#i need to do better i need to draw better#and i just have these. ideas#and whenever i try to excecute them it comes ot#out so bad#aaaaa#sorry sorry#i love all artists#and i love how talented and beautiful they are#personal
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#ran out of tags LOLLLL#and then .at least on fords end . be able to witness the moment of collapse . in which all his ‘righteous’ feelings r sucked out like a#vacuum or some star collapsing on itself bc not only is he like . having to come to terms w his own flaws#and the insidious like . stomach churning guilt associated w that but also the panic and fear (realized#w the portal or bills deception) into looking outwards and having that silent ‘oh’ moment where its like yeah#thats why he left . why wouldnt he#GRAAAAA LIKE I WANT DESTRUCTIONNN I WANT THINGS 2 FALL DOWN SO HE CAN FINALLY REBUILDDD#let me innn😭😭😭😭💥let me in to the self reflection those thirty years😭😭😭💥💥💥💥💥#who did you meet that reminded you of himm😭😭😭who wronged u in similar ways who gave u a reason to be betterrr whoo what did you see#and when you finally came back what did u FEEEL .. and dont lie and say there wasnt that wisp of nostalgia laced arnd ur heart#girl…..talk to me focus on me u know me u know these things#stanford pines#gravity falls#sry for taggingn these i need it for my own blog i prmmy i need to reference this . i will#ok im back bc i read fords end snd i want to rip my hair out bc fiddleford has such good ‘collapse’ imagery too#like we liteally got the soc of the blind eye videos . HIS DOCUMENTSRYYY#oohhhits rly over for us (me) now (and stanford and fiddleford.and stanley bc i feel bad excluding him💔)#only talking ab ford bc i need a reason to connect it to stan bc im sick in tbe brain and i need the familial conflict aspect too#but fidds .. ur misery does not go unnoticed by me ‼️#anyways. ik i said idc if they didnt get back together but the beauty of multiplicity is also liking the idea#HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHlike whenb im over the conflict im like dude they went through so much tgether it must be nice to find urself in the#familiarity again. uugughh.AUUUH./
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There are a couple of lines in Psychonauts 2 that I think about quite a bit. I’m pretty sure these have already been done but if NOT, then. Uh. Spoilers for Psychonauts 2 I guess?
First off- one of Sam’s lines. There’s actually a lot about Sam that I think could have been put to better use—specifically a conversation about how psychic powers aren’t always controllable, giving parallels between Compton, Dogan, and Maligula and MAYBE Raz. But the line I SPECIFICALLY think about is a joke one.
“And if you use enough syrup, you can’t taste the difference between chicken and snake. Eggs is eggs!”
In Psychonauts, eggs are used as a metaphor for brains. Like, this isn’t some vague thing, it’s extremely front and center. Eggs and brains are directly linked. And, it should be noted, that Sam actually puts an entire nest—INCLUDING BIRD EGGS—in the, uh…. ‘Pancake mix’.
So, snakes and chickens and syrup, right? Chickens, generally used to describe someone who is cowardly or otherwise not the type to actually do anything, syrup being sweet enough to distract from other tastes, and snakes being, well, people who are not trustworthy.
And then there’s Nick Johnsmith, aka Gristol Malik, who is a well liked non psychic that Truman calls a lick spittle—someone who fawns over others easily. In other words, a snake (egg, brain) that acts sweet (and syrupy) enough to seem like a chicken (egg, brain).
Do you see. Do you SEE THE VISION HERE.
Anyways onto phrase 2. Said by Gristol Malik.
“He took a poor, sad, country girl and turned her into a mighty warrior. And I’m going to do it again.”
Now, usual context will say he means he’ll bring Maligula out of Lucy/Nona. I don’t think that’s incorrect, per se.
But one of the things that really, REALLY snapped Lucy/Maligula was the death of Marona, her sister.
And who do we have camping nearby? Why, it’s an entire family. In fact, it’s Raz’s entire family. And at LEAST half of them are psychics.
Gristol already views Raz as a puppet. He only kind of likes him because he’s half Grulovian. And, you know, during the Rhombus of Ruin, Loboto was no longer under Oleander’s employee, so… who wanted Raz’s brain removed? Someone who, oh I don’t know, might have heard about Raz being a powerful psychic that MIGHT have noticed Raz’s rather unique name… or, more specifically, the last name of a circus that performed for the Gzar and his family, famous for water acts. One that, by chance, someone could have known that a Galochio, a family of psychics, recently married into?
And you know, Maligula is older, it’s good to have back-ups, right? I mean, this is the same guy that ACTUALLY pulled one over on an entire spy group of mind readers.
But, hey, maybe it wasn’t a plan to turn Raz into Maligula by killing one or some or all of his family! Raz is kind of pissed right now, and might not snap the way Gristol would want him to. I’m pretty sure murdering, say, Mirtala, his baby sister, might not work in Gristol’s favor when Raz is already against him.
That said… he’s not the only psychic in the Aquato family. And in fact some of those family members aren’t the most on board with the whole… Psychics and Psychonauts business.
Specifically, we have a barely used plot thread including Frazie Aquato and her acceptance of her psychic powers!
I’m sure that, oh say, her little brother dying in the middle of him helping the Psychonauts pick up their messes, when he should have been able to be saved by one of his heroes since he was literally at their headquarters and surrounded by psychic adults, will only have good things happen to the Psychonauts. I’m SO sure that Frazie won’t get extremely pissed at these people her brother looked up to so much. She’ll definitely be understanding and absolutely won’t use what seems to be a family trait of extremely powerful psychic power along with the hydrokinesis in her bloodline. Specifically because she, an acrobat since birth and taught to ignore a lot of the usual fears most people have about safety and the instinct to flee, definitely has a great relationship with her fight or flight mode.
:))))
Anyways I have a lot of thoughts about Psychonauts 2 (I’m not saying I’d do a fix it of some things that bother me, but I do tend to do canon rewrites to smooth out wrinkles as a fun writing exercise/my version of hyperfixation on media and with the time gap between the games there is PLENTY of those in the plot, so uhhhhhhhh) but no one to bother them to, so uhhhhh yeah thanks for coming to my Ted talk.
#psychonauts#psychonauts 2#sam boole#razputin aquato#gristol malik#I have Many Thoughts on what I’d do to smooth between games specifically#or if I was to do my own adaption#I’m not saying the story is bad or anything! it has its flaws but it’s overall pretty good#there’d just a lot of things I’d personally move around#I think the biggest one would be Raz getting hazed#I Hated that scene#and I REALLY don’t like Norma#I’d probably adjust the adult psychonauts a little too#Hollis feels a bit strict against Raz when she seems so lenient to the other interns? idk how to describe it#like I’ve heard before. it made sense that the kids at whispering rock were a little mean but even then they weren’t really that against#Raz overall or anything#but in P2 so many characters just seem so MEAN to him#he just showed up! he literally did nothing but exactly what he was told to do. like. what else was he SUPPOSED to do for some of it?#I don’t even think it was THAT naive to believe that Truman was trusting him. Raz was the only one NOT in the psychonauts officially when#Truman was kidnapped. so like. logically he WAS the person who could be somewhat trusted as an outside source#oh but they thought he was the mole? how. LITERALLY how. even if his family had helped and it was a whole operation. H O W. THEY STILL#S T I L L. would have needed an inside man#ffs#anyways
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actually analyzing the first flashback hazel shares with leo, where she's getting bullied and sammy swoops in and rescues her. there's something interesting about how leo is literally watching this play out like a movie and then sammy in flashback tries to defuse the situation she's in by literally scripting it out in front of everyone and reenacting the situation but this time he steals from hazel instead of the bully. and obviously this is done on hazel's behalf, but everything that she actually says gets ignored and nothing she does changes the outcome of the scene. she's in these two opposing narratives and is essentially an object in each for all the difference she makes - and she's still getting robbed! leo as he's watching can't pinpoint the reason that she's crying. idk rick uses the trope a lot where characters trick/script their way out of situations so i'm not sure if this is worth analyzing; except hazel isn't playing along at ALL, she's trying to prevent something worse from happening but it doesn't matter. she can't stop either of them.
#the real analysis is that hazel's life sucked so bad#there are things about this scene and its framing that annoy me deeply#like how its irrelevant to the story at large#but also idk in the wider context of hazel's flashbacks...a character being powerless isn't a bad thing#in the case of hazel sometimes thats the point#its moreso that hazel gets very little to do in mark of athena so this scene in that context continues the trend where hazel reacts only#there are also things about leo's pov and how he views hazel that are also annoying but characters should have flaws and all that#also unrelated but everyone laughed at the bully when he got called clark gable no one laughed at hazel being called hedy lamarr#if i had to die at age 13 that would've made me feel a little better about it#hazel levesque
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also also I know everyone likes to talk about how good of an archon Venti is because he left mondstadt to do its own thing and hey look Zhongli's doing the same now with his retirement but I also like how the story shows it isn't without flaws, with so much freedom in the city it's all too easy to take control with power, Mondstadt's people may be free but they also don't have a god to actually uphold the ideal they stand for and how personal freedoms conflict, discrimination(eg. against Eula and her clan) is allowed because the people are free to do whatever they want, the fatui really wormed their way into mondstadt during the webtoon + nearly did with Davalin bc the people of mondstadt do whatever they want so Jean is overworked and the knights are ineffective(according to Diluc), and how mondstadt might have been the least free place for the common people during the Lawrences rule despite being the region governed by the archon of freedom
Zhongli at least first tested his people were ready before retiring, Venti kinda acended, organized a bunch of celebrations for his people, then left them to have fun with their newfound freedom only interveining when things get really bad
#to be fair zhongli's only left his people for a couple of years so who knows maybe if he left them for long enough#despite honing his nation on honesty and contracts things would delve into chaos too#or a capitalistic mess and we all know what it's like to live in one of those#now if liyue didn't have plot-armour-due-to-chinese-region-in-a-chinese-game............#my thoughts on liyue are 'god i wish its story was actually about the common folk common folk#but what i know of the chinese government is the communist party represents the common folk#so in reality it's more like common-folk-party-does-so-good-for-the-common-folk see????'#i really like liyue and its environment too!#wish they explored its flaws too and didn't present it as perfect due to china-chinese-media-relationship!#all of liyue's plots are like 'it's the time of the common folk i want to tell stories about the common people'#'(but also hold on to tradition and respect the traditions which are represented by the adepti)'#can we pls have some actual flaws like the rigidity of contracts and lack of change and rule of tradition#instead of 'contracts are good and honest and also change as the times change for the good of the people'#like yes zhongli at least tested his people before implementing that big change of stepping down#but also if the game didn't have to put china in a positive light tbh idk if he would have done that#as it might be more interesting to explore his archonhood ideal in both its good and its bad#and may have focused more on liyue's difficulting in changing and adapting to the modern tiemes#if venti is the god of freedom and is too free at times then zhongli the god of contracts is too stagnant at times#i have. complicated feelings about liyue due to my complicated feelings about being raised chinese#so mondstadt my fav for representing and giving people freedom#genshin talk
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#ppl who struggle with food how do u try new foods...#i wanna try new foods so bad but im Scared#i hate throwing up and when i was a child introduction to foods would always lead to that#so im still like. scared.#talkys#also insane moment but mfw i wanna resolve this bc i realize weird eating isn't Desirable. its a big Flaw#it makes socializing so hawrd ...and also i want to become healthy eating ...#i want to do it...#came to restaurant was the only one in my family that didnt eat [food] and it feels Bad but idk how to just Try It....augh#i should have tried it since it was in front of me! now idk how to try it again what if i buy some and i hate it#and its a waste ykwim...#i just wanna be normalll
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jingliu is a perfect example of "if this female character was male, shed be universally loved instead of heavily criticized"
#im not saying you cant criticize a character but its sooooo telling that she gets so much of it#“shes a hypoctite. shes too mean. shes too cold.” yeah uh huh but those kinds of traits are fine on ren okay got it#people saying her character design is basic like im sorry but star rail doesnt have very many ground breaking designs for anyone#and yet i only see people bringing up jinglius design. also saying shes too pretty and done up#like the men arent also conventionally attractive. *yes* hoyoverse is bad for unique female designs#buts lets not pretend its solely a jingliu problem. it was an issue before her#shes just another victim of the short dress exposed shoulders look. also her design is not in any way shape or form the worst female design#im not going to give my opinion on that here tho because its not important#im losing my train of thought so im just gonna say people wouldnt be handwringing over the prospect#of jing yuan having romantic feelings for her. in fact thered be droves and droves of girls shipping them if jingliu was a man#not to mention shipping her with ren if she was. and dan heng/feng#but shes not a man so shes being scruitinized and picked apart for any potential “flaws”#like theyre so transparent about it. like im sorry she was mean to ren/yingxing fucking forgive her for having complex feelings#about a messy complicated issue while shes dealing with her own#trauma and guilt and anger and everything else that wouldnt be a problem if she wasnt a female character#the hypocrisy of it all never ceases to astound#hsr
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i do wish death parade stuck with just the more intimate case-by-case story structure overall... the wider worldbuilding and narrative just doesn't hold up that well and i personally get impatient in the middle of the series 💔 i think going super vague with how arbiting works and adding more judgements would have made for a stronger series overall, with the overarching narrative just sticking to chiyuki's arc and maybe one or two other arbiter judgements like they did with ginti if they wanted to still make the world feel wider. though i really think making it smaller overall would have really been the move...
#the only series ive ever wanted to be almost completely episodic lol.... its just such a fantastic episodic premise 😭#i was wondering why i didn't remember past the first 4 or so episodes and then i was like ohhh#thats all they do before they start doing other stuff 😭 the judgment pairs are the meat#like i just want 12 episodes of that....#the worldbuilding is just so weak for how much the intended plot relies on it... also doesnt make sense#'arbiters cant stop passing judgement' but quin explicitly got a department change and stopped passing judgement#nona also is an arbiter i think and she doesnt do judgements either#they treat arbiter like a species not a job title so idk...#'arbiters cant feel human emotion' but theres no distinction made for what that is....#ginti is angry and pissed off all the time. he's sentimental. he's fond of his cat. he's egotistical. those are all human emotions...#the new fourth rule doesnt hold up because the third doesnt make sense to begin with#i do think arbiters being upcycled from the void is a great concept too bad they only mention it in passing at the end LOL#also idk why ginti cant pass judgement on that teenage girl 💀#ik she's a unique person and he's not great at his job but i do think its pretty clean cut#shes a passionate alt teenage/young adult girl... shes not fundamentally flawed or secretly evil.... send her back up 😭#i really dont even understand her ending.... whyd he bring harada back to have her make a moral statement#only to just send her into the void because she wanted to be with him...#sacrificing herself so he wouldnt be alone in the void is the second time she's selfless like that#so like.... why actually send her to the void 😭#makes for an awesome scene though....#the skating scene is also still one of my all time favs..... so so so beautiful and awesome....#dp
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on further reflection maybe it isn't out of character that i liked the kens over the barbies when a lot of the joke is how the barbies are all blandly nice and hypercompetent which as you may know is like my single most uninterested gender dynamic for fictional characters
#i shouldn't be saying any new opinions without rewatching the movie maybe fan response & hindsight is biasing me but it's like#oh you have men that are allowed to be silly and cringe but the women are all nice and have only minor surface level flaws? cool im bored#and the human characters honestly fall into a similar trope. the human women have *more* personality but still very little.#margot barbie as i remember her didn't really. have any flaws or do anything really wrong but she at least had desires#so she's *better* than the others. none of the other barbies except weird barbie are even distinguishable smh#i mean issa rae had the funniest jokes when she was allowed to speak but that's about it.#avpost#there's a reason the main barbies sequence i can remember is when they pretend to be stupid to get the kens to like mansplain to them#bc it was the one time the female characters were allowed to be like. silly. and not boring or trying to force an unearned serious beat.#unfortunately the idea of bad and/or cringefail women is antithetical to a movie like this but idk that's the characters i actually enjoy .#weird barbie could have at least been cringefail but she's still. hypercompetent too. :-/#idk maybe on repeated viewings ill catch more Subtle Flaw Nuance that makes the female characters less boring to me but#it just feels like based on what the movie was going for they were targeting all my personal least fave female character tropes#well meaning liberal babys first feminism media can fall into this trope of goofy men with competent nice women and its soooo dull.#like not always i have enjoyed my fair share of well meaning liberal baby's first feminism media. i have a soft spot 4 it.#but its usually things where the women have conflict *with each other*. or its horror media. so the women aren't all perfect/nice.
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I read that same fic earlier and I just straight up muted the person so their works don't show up for me anymore lmao
there was also another one like that posted yesterday because the person was mad at something qBad did a couple of days ago while not at all in his right mind and amnesiac, it was odd (not shitting on the person just confused and slightly concerned)
yeah there’s. a lot of misconceptions around qbad rn lmao. It’s one of the reasons Im so obnoxious about him, tbh, so that it’s not JUST the negativity that gets spread. He’s a really good target for the hate rn, because he has a smaller fanbase and his pvp playstyle + lore lead him to all that antagonizing during purgatory, and that gets vented out into fics.
It’s genuinely really interesting, the dichotomy that seems to exist between tumblr and twitter regarding him. Ive heard nothing but slander about bbh from twitter (again, he is not faking his illness, that is a lie), but he’s got a solid enough foothold on tumblr that ive seen more hate towards the fans that the cc, here. which makes sense, given how we take over the tag almost ever day when he logs on. genuine o7 to people who find that obnoxious but thats one of the reasons i overtag so much, for blocking purposes.
anyway i think all the bbh mischaracterization means that we just need to write about him more >:D please this is a call for more bbh centric fics from people who do not hate him/know a little bit about his lore. blease he’s such a fun pov to write i promise
#discourse#<- discussion of it anyway#idk maybe people are spreading lies over here too but i block anyone who doesnt filter their neg/go out of their way to make bad faith#arguments.#i think ita REALLY interesting how seeing all the hate towards bad had me finding myself saltier towards other fans/creators too#so i can understand why these vent fics are being put out yknow sometimes its just really fun to hate a guy#but that’s what neg tags and bashing [character] tags on ao3 are for#on tw/itter where a lot of this gets spread you dont really. Have that#dont mind me ive just been ruminating on this a bunch the past two weeks#ive never been so active in a fandom where discourse had the opportunity to actually reach me#its been p interesting to observe how thats effected the way i say and clarify things#<- rhats the main point of my other post ig because if my gifter is someone who has been seeing nothing but bbh neg after bbh neg comes her#*here and sees me swooning about bbh’s ‘only egg protector’ and ‘no one helps him’ complexes Getting Worse during the end of purgatory#then they dont have the context that im doing so strictly for fun and not putting it on other characters/blaming them for not also swooning#we have media literacy in this house i promise#i would like more characters to have flaws and feel alone and commit incredible sins#anyway. excusez-moi im verbose when im tired and procrastinating#anonymous#shape answers
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if i head the words "jesus" "sacrifice" and "himself" in a sentence again ill scream.
#sorry im back in my anti organized religion specifically white nationalist christianity arc#im always there ofc#but i remembered if any spiritual/religious label applies to me its satanist#with zen and jungian mystic elemts#i use zen as a catchall for the perceived commonalities btwn buddhism hindusm and taoism#but at the heart of it all#im frsure a satanist. not that i necessarily align with tst in every way but#call it my aquarian nature enhanced by my capricorn elements buuut#(my mecury and moon are cap)#(enhancing my aqua sun venus uranus neptune)#but the heart of satanism is the contrarian nature of it.#it is literally an idea that combats common christian interpretation of the bible and the institutions that follow it in the U.S#ultimately jesus didnt sacrifice himself and lucifer did not want to be controlled paternally. even yahweh is flawed. he is an archetype#personally i feel in the human consciousness yahweh/father god/jupiter ETCCCCC learned from that#and his golden child... he probably didnt want to lose another child. JS. probably less of a jesus died so we dont go to hell and more of a#father was sick of losing children#this has strayed from bible concretism bc i do not believe in that#i believe its possible anyone and everyone in the bible was a real person maybe#but ultimately all religious text are archetypal and metaphorical stories#like its sooo funny when ppl say the bible says something or the other and its super literal#like the point... woosh#anyway.#satanism is my jam cause its contrarian and at its core sympathizes with those cast out of privilege#plus the whole i desire an abortion for relgious reasons is not only hilarious trollwise but also like#some peoples bodies are their temples yk?#not me personally but like its valid and that pisses christians off so bad!#and i love pissing uppity nonspiritual christians off!!#i dont hate christians or members of organized religions i have a distaste for the institutions imposing its rules upon nonconsenting people
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dsmp will always outsell qsmp bc dsmp was actually interesting and not forced and rushed for cheap lore that isn’t even interesting
#dsmp#dsmp had its flaws w lore but the lore will ALWAY outsell qsmp cheap plots#I don’t even watch it bc it’s boring but it’s moving way too fast w lore#it doesn’t feel like a fun diverges server it feels like a content farm#I meant diverse :(#election arcs are overused dsmp did it best 🥱#lore started way too early only for it to be just another get attached to thing and have bad thing come after it#and another election arc#you can’t out do dsmp srry qsmp ur never making it#qsmp neg#I’m gonna be doing a lot of neg posts to fill the qsmp neg tag with actual neg and not just from stans#q!wilbur and tallulah also outsell bc they are simple and not rushed#kinda biased bc of my wilbur special interest but
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I think we SHOULD normalize calling out people in "cringe" fandoms who come onto other peoples posts/art about that same fandom and act all ashamed about liking that thing or interacting with it in any way because that shit is not ok and way too common
You move into OUR neighborhood, break into OUR house, and demean OUR SHARED INTEREST, FEELINGS and EFFORT because you can't keep your shame complex to yourself?? i am going to lock you in the basement and leave you to starve
#“cringe culture is dead!!”-same person who cant touch a fandom considered mildly controversial without disintegrating#for the love of everything that is unholy how many times do we have to repeat the exact same fucking thing:#liking media that isnt squeaky clean doesnt make you a bad person. you can enjoy something and know it has flaws#you ALSO dont have to bring those shit parts up every time you speak about it. especially around others who like it.#allow yourself and others to enjoy something sincerely and without ridicule for once and i promise you you will feel better#istg cringe culture isnt completely dead its just evolved into a dollar store purity culture#now instead of Commentary avatars crossing their arms at how cringe fandoms are it's the people who were made fun of cringing at a mirror#For the love of god gain a bit of self respect/restraint.#If not for yourself then for the sake of everyone else you've indirectly insulted#No one wants to look in tags of the thing they enjoy or even spend time making art of it only to be shamed about it. Directly or not#Homestuck fandom this is about you
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#been thinking about genetics and nature vs nurture and all this sort of stuff a lot lately#and just contemplating why people are the way they are and how much is sort of hardwired vs learned etc.#anyway I'm definitely wayyyy more like my dad than my mom and i think i have actually learned to become sort of the ideal companion#for people like my mom#because my mom is the harder to please and stronger personality in the household who is way more obviously emotional and sensitive#and i empathized with her automatically in a sort of female solidarity way as the household is all boys otherwise#but anyway i know im just naturally like my dad in disposition and humour and looks and everything else but i also know i probably studied#how he handles my mom and her outbursts and insecurities and learned to react to it similarly to him as well#she's a very odd mix of one of the most empathetic kindest people you'll ever meet and also incredibly critical and sensitive to criticism#and she barely ever will tell you you did a good job at anything and will point out mostly only the bad stuff or flaws in whatever you do#yet also HATES that her own mom is exactly the same way and was traumatized by that growing up herself#i honestly 100% believe her mom (my grandma) is undiagnosed autistic and simply doesnt even realize how she comes off but it really#affected my mom growing up and now she is constantly on alert for anything that could possibly be a critique of her and will throw you#under the bus instead if you ever say something even remotely close to negative about her or arent extremely thoughtful about showing up#to the multiple events she hosts every single week#anyway the way my dad usually reacts is just being extremely quiet and steady and dry humoured in reaction to this and when she starts#critiquing him and bringing up all his past failures as a way of making herself feel better about her own bad self esteem he kind of just#takes it and doesnt take it personally because he knows shes doing it for low self esteem reasons#even though its not really fair to him and she would absolutely hate anybody doing the same to her#when i think of my dad's gentle quietness and humour and how much he hates being aggressive or critical i think of when we played a#board game called qwelf once and in the game he was made to act like a drill sergeant and scold and yell at all of us as we moved#our pieces around the board and the best he could do was to mutter stuff like 'get your buns in gear there soldier!'#it makes me lol to remember it my god he simply can't it's the most unnatural thing for him in the world#anyway i always wonder how much of my similarities to him are just genes and how much are learning from him#by watching and admiring and mimicking#because having nieces shows me that kids are absolutely little sponges who try to do everything they see you doing without even knowing#if it's a good thing to be mimicking or not and that can be a bit of a terrifying responsibility as the adult#i am glad i learned good coping mechanisms from dad and how to handle unfair criticism and lack of praise in stride as well but#something i had to teach myself as an adult was how to have healthy boundaries and be assertive when i feel like im being treated poorly#because my parents are both huge people pleasers who struggle with it themselves
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I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀
#mine#🎸#DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an#ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao#First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off#But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me#i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3#but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way#but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous#at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like#a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes#but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so#bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them#because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a#good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to#BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me??#and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance#watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong#my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that#feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY#HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird#one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing#where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh#right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also#literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?
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wander is DEF fucked emotionally i jyst didnt feel like fitting 2 paragraphs into 1 image also. comeduc effect ig BUT YEAH I SIGN UNDER EVERY WORD
this is starryeyed to me
#lord peepers arc wouldve been pretty bad but nothing beats his surrender-redemption in being the worst possible outcome#itd just be like the perfectly horrible clash of a guy whod have to let go of literally everything he knew n worked for n built his entire#identity on in order to move to the good side n guy who thinks being on the good side will magically make him feel better n evil being wron#basically invalidates any sort of ambition or attachment or anything u had going for it#guy whos holding onto evil for rlly nuanced reasons vs guy who fails to see the situations complexity#like despite wanders ideology being ''only presenting the right path not forcing u to follow it'' hes rlly dead set on not leaving ppl alon#until they follow it voluntarily#smth i feel he tried to do w dominator#n that makes wander an extremely interesting flawed character#i have a feeling#he sort of... views peepers as an extension of hater if thats the right way to put it#like if hater gets redeemed then peepers would be right there to follow him n the entire wathcdog army would also come as a 5075 in 1 deal#hence they never get ''targeted'' teh way hater does#n in that surrender-redemption case unfortunately hed be right#but that perception of peepers is extremely undermining#that his entire motivation n reason for being evil is built on his love for hater#obv it plays a big role n peepers has haters best interest in mind most if not all the time#but he has reasons beyond that#peepers has a lot more going on that i feel like wander just fails to notice#YK WHAT.#I JUST THOUGHT OF SMTH GENUIS#i feel like this entire thing i just wrote out can be exemplified well in the instances#of wander trying to mend peepers' napoleon complex by gifting him heels#that encapsulates it perfectly#peepers is unhappy w his height n in attempt to help him wander gives him a superficial solution that actually doesnt resolve any of the#issues lying beneath that caused that insecurity#its like treating symptoms instead of trying to fihure out n deal w the actual illness ykwim#thats wander getting peepers on the good side out of his attachment to hater n not actual want for redemption#that would just end up making it worse cuz peepers wasnt disappointed in evil yet n to him itjust feels like hes being separted from all hi#dreams n ambitions n all his work gets rendered useless n a big big part of him is just being crossed out
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