#i feel like i'm gonna be stuck like this forever
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Insane that I'm about to turn 25 and my brain has not developed since like 14
#ganja talks#i feel like i'm gonna be stuck like this forever#it's cute now but what about in my 30s? 40s? am I gonna be 50 still unable to function like an adult?#im not even being teehee quirky here i genuinely shouldn't be trusted to keep myself alive because i CAN'T#i never developed a proper filter or a sense of danger or a survival instinct or the ability to regret#my executive functioning is genuinely at the level of a toddler#i barely even have object permanence#if my parents didn't exist or didn't have the resources they do I'd probably be dead in my apartment rn#just died because i forgot to eat or drink water#im completely apathetic to this too like it kinda bothers me but i don't do anything about it because there's no will to do that#one day I'll have no one in my life and then i will waste away#melt into my bed#ill be found because the apartment smells like death
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my final from last semester that i made into a zine. cooked this one up in a couple hours before the critique (the ink was still wet!), so it's very raw and kind of sloppy but the sentiment is there. i love you trans people of color. we are the backbone of this community 馃専
#pan draws#pan designs#zine#risograph#i'm not gonna lie i don't love how this one turned out OTL and i think the wording is not done but well... a deadline is a deadline#i'll probably touch it up and rewrite it in the future but who's to say.. i need to stew on how to articulate my feelings coherently#anyway my transness is so closely tied to my experience as a person of color. the current political climate is so fucking ass to exist in#but more than anything i am pissed off at white punks & leftists & trans people that refuse to have meaningful solidarity with us.#so yeah anyway. i was stuck on this one forever and only really got anywhere with it after attending 2 punk noise shows in a row where they#actually used their fucking platform to do like. anything. our struggles are connected you need to careeeee YOU HAVE TO CARE........ ok bye#tdov#trans day of visibility#<- i was sitting on uploading this for a while so the stars kind of aligned for it to be today huh.... happy tdov i love you#xines
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Did you know you can just draw the same image over and over and over again. Did you know this
#feh#did you know the sun is beginning to set rn. it's not even 4:30. i'm gonna trhup#i feel aimless and restless at the same time w my art lately like i'm stuck in a rut i gotta do SOMETHING.#but today i am not doing that. you get moefonse. forever.#fe alfonse#moe tag#summoner oc#my art
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Okay, so not fanfic/writing stuff but do you ever think of how close Calla and Kody used to be? How sweet and bright and encouraging she was towards him when they were younger? How friendly and warm she was? How they smiled at each other? It makes me want to eat rocks.
#Lumine#Lumine webcomic#Lumine (webcomic)#Lumine (webtoon)#Lumine webtoon#And then ableism starts dragging Kody down.#Dozens of things that are either pinpricks or full-on bricks getting slammed into him (figuratively. I do not mean. Kody got beaten with#bricks.)#''It's not like he could have played anyway--he can't use magic''#Kody's disappointment and heartbreak at not being able to use magic like the other witch kids#Him finding other ways of being a witch (potion making) to accommodate to his limitations#But still not being seen as a proper witch according to some (i.e. Calla's family; ''they could forbid me from seeing you/us being friends#if they found out'')#Anyways I don't really know where I was going with this but it just makes my heart Ache#I can't remember how canon it is (I'll find out soon) but I always imagined that Camille had a heavy focus on potions;#I feel like she really appreciates potionmaking and the uses/applications of it; how versatile it is and while it isn't as convenient as#general magic--having a potion prepped in-advance would be pretty useful and convenient. Especially if you got too tired to actually do#general magic or something was blocking it off.#It's why I think she would be a good parental figure or aunt figure or mentor or SOMETHING to Kody#Kody finding a way to accommodate to his illness and disabilities by trying potion making has always been something that's stuck out to me#That doesn't take away the grief or pain of Not being able to do it ''the normal way'' but it gives you SOMETHING. Any connection to what#you love dearly and want to do.#This was Not meant to be a rant on disability stuff whoopsie. And yet here I am. I'm gonna cut it off there.#If this didn't make sense sorry the migraine-hangover brainfog is eating my words alive#My heart just hurts over their old friendship and how sweet they were#Also forgot that Kody wanted to open a bakery when he's older... Aughhhh. Implodes into 500 tiny shrapnel forever.
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You know I actually never realized this before-- so you remember how tri. retconned Original Chosen fighting and defeating Apocalymon into them fighting the Dark Masters instead? (To be fair it is possible they could've ALSO fought Apocalymon afterwards but that isn't the Epic Final Showdown tri. decided to depict so it's borderline a retcon)
If the Original 5 Chosen fought and defeated the Dark Masters once in the distant past, doesn't that mean that
A) They survived and hid for just a few thousand years until they came back for a Round 2 at conquering the world
B) They died, were reborn, and THEN went for the Round 2
You know I've just DYING with curiosity, desperately wanting to know if any of the villians in Adventure would ever be reborn after Adventure, right. Because according to the lore they should, right (unless their data was like somehow absorbed by Apocalymon and destroyed along with him (though that would still leave Piemon as an exception (and Vamdemon but we all know what happened to him) and the sole survivor))
And what tri. has essentially done is confirm that most of them should, in fact, be reborn sooner or later
But that just raises the question of if Apocalymon was lowkey driving the Dark Masters nuts (as suggested by the novels), and if tri. was kind of about destroying the last remnants of Apocalymon's data (within Meicoomon), if they were reborn this time would they be free of Apocalymon's influence
If so, would their third (?) lives then turn out different? Would they still try to take over the world all over again for funsies (this time just without Apocalymon giving them power etc), or were they just the same as Ken was in Zero Two? I mean Apocalymon was supposed to be a spawn of Milleniummon and Ken was infected with Mille's malice directly, so while it may have been a bit filtered it was still the same source of malice and corruption, right
And like regardless of how their next lives would turn out, shouldn't the kids (OR AT THE VERY FUCKING LEAST GENNAI) like realize that this is going to happen eventually and like. Go and see if they can find them (either as their pre-Ultimate forms or even when they're still in their Eggs) and try to figure out what to do BEFORE shit hits the fan
I JUST
#Sorry I'm rewatching the second half of Adventure while working (it improves my focus actually) and#Oh the brainworms are real#Text post#I'm sorry I'm just thinking about Pinocchimon. My sweet poor murder child just needed friends 馃槶#But even if he was reborn without the craving for blood- who would be friends with him. After all he did in his past life#Who would want to be friends with him. Who would forgive him#IS HE GONNA BE DOOMED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. I'M 馃槶馃槶馃槶#Meanwhile for all we know Piemon is still stuck in that other dimension 10 years later lmao#Depending on if tri.'s reboot ever affected him at all or not because god fucking knows we'll never find out#(Or if he even COULD be affected by the reboot to begin with. God knows Wizarmon seemed to be fucking IMMUNE to it)#(Even though it was supposed to reset EVERYBODY)#But also that could have horrifying implications too if Piemon was just left to cook overnight with a part of Apocalymon#Like Apocalymon is just a collection of grudge and hate from Digimon who've gone extinct right#What's stopping that part of Apocalymon from just restarting the collection of hatred and grudge all over again#This time using Piemon as a vessel to just contain it#Like Apocalymon came from beyond the Wall of Fire to begin with so it's not like dimensional barriers should stop him either#I mean the good news is that there probably haven't been that many Digimon species that've gone extinct after Adventure#But still kids. Y'all might have a timebomb on your hands#Edited to remove some of excessive cursing lmao. I was feeling very intense when writing this sorry lmao
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this might just be an unpopular opinion in the jjk fandom but i love how little seriously things happen for the most part since the culling game started, like i miss being seriously emotionally invested in it a little bit ngl but i love the way the newer characters will just open their mouths and say things so much, they were all forced in this game against their will and the only ones that survived long enough to make it in the cast are the unhinged ones that makes so much sense to me. maybe I liked the plot until the shibuya incident a little more but tbh some of my favourite characters in the whole manga have been introduced or have been made relevant during the culling game, some of these guys are just pure gold on legs
#of course that's without counting goge they're my forever dudes#but some chapters and characters since the game started are so unhinged they're a delight to me#remember that one chapter all set inside pandas mind what WAS that#or oh god i can't even remember who was fighting there but that one chapter that started with bestie explaining their technique#and their opponent going who do you think is even gonna read all that#(not me that was for sure. probably why I don't remember who that was at all lmao)#i just remembered the arc where they go pick up hakari oh my god#and ah of course yuki and choso vs kenjaku#all fights feel so random in this arc but i enjoyed them all so much in a chill I don't care about the outcome but this is fun way#and that's without counting the latest fights and my best friends higuruma and takaba#nah this is what I'm saying jjk might be a grave for anyone who appears in it but it def has my favourite way of going about it out of#all the manga in this genre I've ever read#like if u wanna kill off all my fav characters you NEED to continuously add new characters for me to choose new ones#if the remaining characters are always the same I'm just gonna get angry at the fact that my fav isn't there anymore and quit#but if before offing my fav you gave me Another fav I'm stuck here yk what i mean#it's good i love jjk#even if the deaths are so frequent none has any impact for me anymore
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sometimes i'm like i don't have adhd and then the Executive Dysfunction literally starts driving me crazy
#emyrs.txt#slight vent i think. incoming.#just. so so hard to get myself to careeeee i fell behind on week 1 and now there's two more weeks and i've only turned in stuff for week 1.#and the prof has answered zero of my emails. i made an appointment w him and he just did not show up.#spiraling and spiraling and spiraling and all i feel is a block in my head and hands and cold sweat and everything is overwhelming me to th#point of inaction. sitting in a bubble watching my house burn down & all i can make myself do is turn the page of the book i'm reading#need to get actually diagnosed need to be put on something need to be medicated but what if there's nothing wrong w me what if this is just#who i am what if there's no solution or cure or or or. i'm just stuck like this. forever having doctors analyze me for problems i don't hav#<- jesus. you know it's bad when i start quoting other people and start explaining how i feel through weird metaphors and convoluted#comparisons. goodbye.#gonna continue putting this off.
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playing with circles O鈼徛扳棆鈥⒙皁.
#trypophobia#i want to draw again so bad#i feel like my brain is too full of gunk and the only way to clean it is by drawing and i just don't have the time#i did this at work when it was slow#i'm in the process of moving right now. it'll be my first time living alone#i'm finally getting my adhd medicated after getting diagnosed in january#my life is so different year to year it honestly is dizzying#at this time last year my current roommate and i were looking for an apartment#at this time two years ago i had been at my second job ever for three months and i didn't have a car#and my mom had to drive with me to and from work because the van had been totaled and we only had the one car for the four of us#at this time three years ago i had just graduated and was a month into my first ever job. didn't even know how to drive#i thought i was so behind in life and that i was gonna be stuck like that eternally#now... god i don't even know. i'm trying to be positive#this is gonna be my solo chapter. my zuko alone episode. my walden pond.#but really i'm just so scared all the time and i have no choice but to keep treading water forever#i feel like all through childhood everything stays the same. nothing prepared me for living through constant change#entering my mid twenties i'm learning that. yeah you can't predict everything you can't prepare for everything#you can't keep anything and you can't change anything#but you can hold it in your hands. you can choose to live it. you can choose to be there#i hope once i get settled at my new place i'll suddenly find time to do everything#i hope the meds help me with that. i just want to draw again. i just want to feel alive again
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Once again thinking about how my rent is gonna increase in the next month of a half (the beginning of next year approximately) and the new rent cost is simply not worth it for my place and thinking about how the new rent cost is how much it would cost for a decent one bedroom in one of the two major cities of PA where there's more job opportunities and just things to DO in general, but I'm too scared of change to actually go through with it...
#personal#I just hate this feeling of feeling like I'm gonna be stuck in my hometown forever until I D-word LMAO.#I DO have apartments alerts on for Pitt and Philly though in my price range. Looking at my options...#Hate how I'm too scared to take risks like that though.#Also see: I HATE apartment hunting and/or the process of moving.#It's like I can afford the new rent increase so I'm grateful for that. I just REALLY don't feel it's worth it for this place.#My neighbor's already moved out about a month ago because they thought the same exact thing and they told me so LMAOO#Don't mind me. I'm Going Through it...
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#im in so much fuckin pain i cant move ugh#like. typing this is excruciating#but i cant just stare at the wall or im gonna lose it eventually ugh#my pain is getring progressively worse these days and the last 2 months have been hell#doctors r worried this might be my new normal for the time being#which. uh#SUCKS#bc i cannot stand or walk for more than 5 mins#and i need a walker w me bc my cane isnt enough#and most days i am trapped in bed (or on the couch if i can make it there) unable to take care of myself#bc everything hurts and i feel like i'm being tortured#oh and my lordosis & the related pain is now at a level that might need serious medical intervention#my migraines r out of control#my joint problems r also way worse#and u kno what ? i would like to die now#thanks#truly and genuinely#im so done#i cant keep going this way#my doctor has no idea what to do#and the pain clinic im a patient of refuses to help further unless i sign up for their ridiculous pain education program#which is 8 weeks long with mandatory in-person weekly attendance (i do not live near it & cant afford transportation)#where they tell u all the ways ur pain is ur own fault and give u unrealistic and ridiculous advice abt exercise and lifestyle changes#that u Cannot do bc of said disabilites and pain#jfc#our healthcare system is broken and nobody cares if i live or die or suffer#AND im stuck dealing w my mother complaining abt my existence nonstop bc she resents me for the things i cannot do independently#so u kno what ya i am done. im so done. i give up#catch me rotting in this bed forever until i die. thats the only option being given to me
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the thing is. I've said many times that it'd probably be better if I didn't post on here so much, especially when I'm not doing so great. it does not feel good. but. when I don't, it just all stays inside my head and it feels so much worse for far longer, so I really just don't know how I would cope without this.
#I mean I used to write in my diary instead. but it's not the same. it's like talking to myself which is like thinking which is the whole#damn problem in the first place#I can't bother my friends every time I feel like shit because it happens so much#and they don't get it#except my best friend but I already message them too much and they have their own shit going on#it's either this or lie in bed imagining [current blorbo] and talking it all out with them and basically just. daydreaming therapy.#but that tends to not be great because then I get stuck and don't want to do anything else because I'd rather be there forever.#which. idk but it doesn't feel that healthy to me.#I juuust want to be normal it's all I want it's all I've ever wanted#and then people say being weird is good and they love me for who I am and it's so so sweet and lovely but. I don't mean that. I mean I feel#like I'm insane and there's something wrong with my brain and it's not the fun quirky bits that people love about me. it's the never ending#constant relentless bad thoughts that I can't make go away OR even the good ones really. like I'm. so fucking obsessed right now and all I#want is to think about Dan and Jenkins but if I'm not careful it takes over everything and I. can not stop.#so. yeah I'm. not gonna leave because I can't and I don't really want to and I'm sorry because that means I'll have to keep posting#dumb shit like this every time my brain gets stupid#馃槶
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THE MILFS ARE FIIIIIIIIIGHTINGGGGGGGGGG
#feh#and. sothis#i feel legally obligated to join henriette's team obviously#and you know as far as moms go henriette isn't bad! just a bit absent (obvs due to the nature of her position)#but also something that has always stuck w me about her is ..... there is something off. about her.#like i don't think she's a bad person or even a bad mom. she just seems like. she's hiding something.#i have always been equally put off and intrigued by her.#LIKE. OKAY ANOTHER THOUGHT i think i've voiced before but when sharena comes off as 'fake nice'#it doesn't FEEL fake. it feels overplayed and forced but it's so geniune actually. she is just fighting for her life#to pass a social interaction and make a new friend#meanwhile henriette's 'fake nice' feels like. she knows something all of us don't. she knows something that died w gustav.#she has always felt. foreboding.#also doesn't help though that i inherently distrust mother figures LMFAOOOOO#LIKE. coin flip between 'oh she's a good mom i'm gonna cry forever now' and setting off my fight or flight response LMFAO#no need to dig into that!#fe henriette#<- just for henriette thoughts
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i should've switched to writing original stuff ages ago bc i could've been overcoming writer's block if i did :' )
#connecting mine and vee's lore in written form is something i've wanted to do forever bc i love love love gaia and kaiya's relationship!!#but i had a mental block towards bio's for... man i dunno how long tbh#i always got really stuck with them which is why i started doing bullet points where i could jot down all my thoughts#but i should have just?? been unafraid to write lengthy bio's i think#and then i could've done fun stuff like this way earlier!! without feeling stuck and slow!!#like honestly i don't even care about the people who won't bother to read my bio's bc those probably aren't the people who will#end up writing with me#i always avoided lengthy bio's bc i didn't wanna inconvenience someone#but how is it inconveniencing if i'm trying to make something interesting and enjoyable to read?#how is it inconveniencing if i'm just?? writing about my muses?? it's silly to water down my creativity and i'm sorry i did it now#now pls know i can give you the tldr on any of my muses bio if you need it asdfgh but i'm gonna just!! do what's fun for me from now on#that's gonna be a very important rule i need to enforce for myself with this blog move#no more doing things that make it harder for myself bc i'm worried about other people#there needs to be a balance and that's what i'm gonna keep in mind going forward uvu#so sorry for the rant oh my gosh asdfgh i just got to thinking and truly my writer's block has not bothered me with dorverold stuff#like it has in the past for other things and i think it's how i've approached writing and world building aka not worrying about length#if i'm struggling it's because i'm tired or busy#ANYWAY ASDFG i promise i'm going to bed now :' ))) good night!!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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Am I allowed to be negative on here about stuff for a minute? Pretty please?
I don't really think that things are gonna change for the better/ get better for me at this point tbh
#Like. I know things constantly change and nothing stays the same but I don't really think it'll get much better y'know.#Lik#I get paid 8.50 an hour to fucking wipe 3D glasses off and retrieve golf balls and get covered in gross mystery liquid bc im in charge of -#-- trash and I have to argue with grown ass men about a claw machine not working.#I don't really think that's gonna change and I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to move out of this house or live on my own or anything -#-- like that or start dating or be the type of normal I want. Just a lot of decisions leading up to me being stuck here forever and yeah.#Shit sucks#Tbc I'm NOT fishing for It gets betters or stuff like that. If I could turn comments off for this post I would lol I really appreciate any#-- concern and stuff but I am Okay#I'm still doing everything I'm still going through the motions even tho the motions suck ass. It's just that I'm constantly --#-- positive and that gets really really hard sometimes lol. Like. My mental health doesn't do well if I'm not forcing myself to be --#-- disgustingly positive so I am. A lot. But it's HARD and sometimes I just wanna admit that no actually it DOESN'T feel like everything --#-- is gonna be okay and that I actually do kinda not like my life lol#I'm good I'm fine I'm just bitching and moaning#I . Wrote this last night bc I couldn't sleep but sent it to the drafts of hell lol. Today's gonna be so fun /sarcasm#Besties I'm fine please please please seriously I'm good#Just pretend Tumblr has a Turn comments off feature lmao#Y'all can seriously ignore this#Will probably delete later but what's the point of Tumblr if not to embarrass yourself by oversharing lol
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i know everyone's told me to rest because i'm sick but i just can't. it doesn't feel right. i need to do everything i can rn because i'm scared that any second we'll be told to get out NOW
#there's a lot of legal shit going on so i'm really unsure when exactly we'll have to leave#my mom keeps telling me to pack an overnight bag just in case and i know she's right but there's other things i need to do first#plus i'm not leaving my computer here. i'm just not. i can't. it's my most important possession. it keeps me sane if you can call it that#i need to get everything else ready before finishing getting my ''i need these with me at all times'' stuff ready#because so much shit is in the way like i still need to take out trash and do more laundry#and get more things that have already been in boxes forever out of here. also the closet door is stuck so that's a problem#i don't even care about most of the shit in my closet like i know there's stuff from my childhood in there but i don't remember what#other than that it's junk. and decorations i bought for an eventual apartment but when the fuck is that even gonna happen#i know i'm sitting here doing nothing rn as i'm typing this but i'm like mentally stuck on what to do next without my mom's help#and she's not here rn. plus there's some dude that her shitty ex is letting stay downstairs rn ? for some reason ?#and i just don't feel comfortable leaving the room to get food or take out trash or change out the laundry. it's just weird#plus i'm sick and he has a weak immune system and like. i dunno i don't wanna be responsible for that#anyway sorry i'm rambling. i know it's understandable at a time like this but i just feel bad that this is all i'm talking about rn#i'm just so fucking depressed and stressed and tired and i've barely eaten anything for the past few days#i can't even have fun or talk to any friends like i normally do. my brain won't let me and it just doesn't feel right. i can't be happy rn#for even a second. it's just not the right time. there's nothing to be happy about. i have no hope at this point that things will work out
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It takes so much time to heal and so little to relapse.
#sometimes i feel like i'm never gonna heal and i'm gonna be stuck in my self-destructive habits forever#i'm feeling the burden of it all
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