#i feel like i'm all doom and gloom here but i dont want to say 'oh yes it's fun!' and completely scrub out the huge commitment aspect

[laventadorn]

what did you study in college & did that help you with what you’re doing as a career now? Any advice for a gal struggling through undergrad trying to go to grad school?

behind the cut - this reads more like a collection of thoughts, i feel very unqualified to give advice!

about me and my degrees:

i studied english and creative writing in college, which according to articles i've read, almost nobody does anymore. the liberal arts are a field that's cleared out at dusk after all the players have gone home -- or to STEM fields, in this case.

the job i'm in now is entirely based on my degree -- can't have this job without it. but i've been part time for ten years, because getting a full-time job is a crapshoot, and part time pay is shit. but the time i tried to switch jobs, i got so profoundly depressed (in the clinical sense) i had to go back to this job. i'm just trying to embed myself until they hire me full time.

english grad school is, moreover, unlike many graduate school programs because (functionally) nobody goes unless they’re getting it for free, which means needing a fellowship or grad assistant program that pays for everything and awards you a small (unlivable) stipend. the second option is what i did. (essentially they’re training you to be a college professor, and you’re studying for free and getting food money.) fellowships usually pay more but are more competitive — but the process of getting into grad school for english or creative writing is equally a crapshoot. the first year i tried, i didn’t get in; the second year, i applied to more schools and a couple of them took the bait. i picked the school that gave me the best package.

bottom line is, it would really depend on your program. i have zero knowledge of other fields, sadly, because almost everyone i know who did grad school was in english like me. of the english MA/PhD people i know, they've worked in publishing, teaching, writing, and coypediting. so the fields have all been english adjacent, because typically you don't get a grad degree in a field unless you're committed to it.

(some people just daisy-chain MFA programs. they go from one to the other, living on fellowships. you can get multiple grad degrees. i once met a guy at a party who was even going for his postdoc at MIT. that's real commitment to the grad life.)

i don't regret my degrees or graduate school -- i had a great time in both. however, i also got out with no debt, since college was cheaper then and i got scholarships to schools that weren't exactly high brow. i also just really enjoyed being in school because it suits my habits and personality, and i was studying something i loved. a lot of people very much do not feel that way -- if you're struggling... :(

there was also nothing else i could've effectively studied. i am only competent in liberal arts. if i'd taken a STEM track, i'd have failed out or had a nervous breakdown from not understanding my classes. no joke.

advice, such as it is:

i was reading an article about the ratio of people who regret their degrees, and people tend to regret it the most due to two factors: debt obtaining it and hire-ability afterward. yeah, no surprises there.

for advice pertaining to your specific field, i'd ask your professors -- they had to go to grad school, obviously, so they'd be more knowledgeable about what it's like. if there are younger professors around, that might be more helpful, since their experiences would be more recent. unless the older ones have kept up with the times, a lot about the job market, and academia, has changed in the last 20 - 30 years. is there any teacher you'd feel comfortable talking about it with?

i'd also be clear to yourself on why you want to go to grad school. if you're already considering it, you probably have heard all this before/know it already, because grad school isn't a common thing -- i just have to say it anyway. i don't know why you, specifically, are struggling with undergrad or if you even want to disclose the reasons, but even though i'm primed for academia and was studying what i enjoyed, grad school was tough. in undergrad there's typically a lot more leeway, but in grad school they do not let anybody fuck around. everybody is an A student. they're dead serious, and you (general you) can get kicked out for poor performance, especially if you're getting money from the school to even be there. not to say you're the fuck-around-and-find-out-type -- i definitely wasn't -- just that it adds pressure. i didn't even go for the PhD but stopped at the MA track. so i would just advise caution in the deliberation. if debt is an issue, for example, and your chosen degree would only add to it, i would be very clear on the finances.

of course, take all this advice with the caveat that it's entirely based on my experiences and perspective, and i don't consider myself to be a very wise or practical person! i just muddle along.

[weebsinstash]

Lol sorry for the unsolicited advice but have you thought about learning to program? You'd probably only have to do a year or two of study and then you'd be well set up to get a job that pays more and has better working conditions. Just a thought :)

Yeah, I've thought about learning coding or something since those jobs are always hiring! I dont know if I would be competent at it though since I dunno, im shitty at math and sometimes my memory can be kind of poor

Though I'm going to be honest and say that for many years I have only planned on living for a temporary amount of time and I've been thinking that way since like uhhhhhhh early elementary school and. I still feel that way all these years later. so. sometimes it's like 'why are you worrying about a career? You're gonna die, bitch!"

It's kind of a comfort, really. It's hard to explain. It's easier for me to think "when things get hard i can just kill myself and be done with it forever" rather than worry about what I'm gonna do in the future, do for food, do for work. Everything is broken anyways. I was on disability and they took it away during Covid because "oh you have a job and you're working now so we feel like you've improved!" even though I would wake up sobbing about not wanting to go to work and contemplating suicide every other week and I only went because I literally had to. You have to fight to prove how sick you are so they'll reluctantly help you and the second they decide you don't deserve that help anymore, they're happy to take it away

I dunno. Maybe I'm just in a funk and I'm all gloom and doom because I'm an addict and I'm out of weed and I've been drinking. I constantly sway back and forth between "well I'm going to die anyways" to "well I guess I'll just keep on keeping on" but it's been a very very long time since I have actually wanted to be alive so. It's kind of hard to know what to do with that. My therapist doesn't really know anymore, and I don't think my new medicine is making a difference and I kind of just stopped taking it anyways

I dunno, I'm sorry to turn this into something majorly depressing. That's just how it is. We're born to work and pay bills and pay taxes and then we die. We fight like hell to try and elect people we think may make our country and our lives better and someone is always taking bribes and handouts and it's all about money. Why save the planet when Big Motor needs us to keep buying cars and oil and our entire society is built on constantly throwing away plastic and we spent a trillion dollars terrorizing the middle east and it turns out the afghan military was literally just sitting back and doing heroin while American soldiers killed thousands of civilians and the whole war was really just an excuse to feed money to the military industrial complex by buying their surplus of weapons which are now in the hands of the actual fucking taliban and even an American Supreme Court recently ruled that hey Nestlé you aren't even liable for using slave labor for your chocolate because the slavery isn't in the US and that's ok!

And it may seem like I'm just rattling off a bunch of random bullshit and I kind of am but. It's all broken. Our planet is dying. Our society is collapsing. Homelessness and poverty is increasing. Coronavirus was basically used as eugenics to kill off loads of poor and disadvantaged people and while the capitalists scoop up the ruins of the empty real estate that used to be a mom and pop store to turn them into Walmarts and Home Depots we just get told "if you're struggling, it's something YOURE doing wrong!"

I just don't want to be here anymore quite frankly. I'm just gonna sink back into my escapism and try and forget where I have my vicodin and muscle relaxants hidden

[najatsguitar]

1-31-21

When Najat notices Dakota in the room she looks up with a gloom and doom type look on her face " I'm sorry, I didnt mean to wake you up"

Dakota smiles gently, his eyes almost glowing with their new electric blue. “I’m glad I did.” He looks at the guitar and then back to her face. “What’s wrong?” The question is soft, he doesn’t want to push too hard. He just knows that look, and the way she drifts away when she’s like this.

She look at him, her expression softens a bit and she can feel herself calm has she looks into his eyes. "Draum visited me in a dream again and it kinda shook me" she looks back down at her guitar as the feeling of self hated washes over her again

He bristles slightly at the mention of the Demi god but let’s it pass. Carefully, he steps into the room and goes to sit next to her. “From what you all have told me, he’s a monster. Anyone would be.” Dakota reaches out to softly touch a shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She leans into his touch trying let that clam feeling he gives her sink into her " He said we made a mistake, a grievous error, and has granted me one perfect lie because he feels there will come a time when I will wish to use it. He also said that he sees potential in me and a bit of him in me. Am I a horrible person?" Her eyes feel with tears " am I truly that selfish?" She begins to spiral down this dark path of thought

Dakota carefully takes the instrument from her grasp, then moves to hold her head in his hands. He brushes away a stream of tears with his thumb, leaning in to kiss the crown of her head. “He sees potential because it’s obviously,” Dakota whispers. “You’re talented, and smart. And adventurous.” He pauses, trying to find the right words. “Men like him see the tiny cracks life leaves behind, and make them feel like fissures. They enjoy watching you rip yourself apart. But having those flaws just make you a person, not horrible.” Dakota presses his forehead against hers. “If we’ve made a mistake, we can fix it without him. Just... don’t shut me out. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

"I dont know if it can be fixed.." she takes a steadying breath "He wouldnt come right out and tell what it was but he gave me a hint. He said "one life traded for another" and made an image of Sena appear has he said it." She feels her chest tighten a bit as an image of Sena dead on the ground pops into her head and her breathing picks up a bit " I cant lose her. I cant lose anyone because of him."

“Sssh,” he says softly. “Let’s try not to think about that. Not ignore it just... don’t over think it. So much has happened, it could mean a hundred things. We won’t know what to do until find the truth.” Dakota pulls her in close, moving to wrap his arms around her. “And we can’t lose you to him, either.” He let’s out a long sigh. “So don’t... don’t do what I did, please?” It was something he’s been trying to put into words for a while now. “Don’t break yourself against a problem because you think it’s best. You can’t always undo what you do to yourself.”

She wraps her arms around him, breathing in his scent with slower breaths trying to calm down. " I dont know what else to do, how do I fight him when he uses my own flaws and personality traits against me?" She tries not to let her emotions take over her again but tears keep leaking from her eyes

“I can’t speak for what to do against something like Duram... but when someone like that tries to make you feel so awful about yourself, you have to find away to find peace with who you are.” Old memories, that feel so far away now but still twist his insides, flicker at the back of his mind. “It’s not easy, and they always make it hurt as much as they can. But you don’t have to do this on your own. I can’t stop him from being in your head. But I can be here when you wake up, to remind you why you can’t listen.”

She nuzzles into him a little bit " I love you.. I cant imagine doing this without you here by my side reminding me of the good in me. I'd hate to be a monster like him and I hate that he sees himself like a father to me. He cannot win" images of Draums twisted body and the rye field flash back into her mind and she cringes

“I love you too,” he whispers, kissing forehead again. “They... they do always want you to be as miserable as they are. Just being happy is enough to show them you’re different. It’s probably the hardest part, but that what makes it worth it, I guess.”

She grins softly at him "Well, it's hard to not be happy when I have such a great guy by my side" she kisses his cheek softly

Dakota grins. “We rangers are pretty good with fighting monsters. Got to be useful for something.” He brushes against her cheek. “I’m just glad to be here with you. As long as you’ll have me.”

She chuckles softly stifling a yawn "Hows forever sound?" She snuggles up to him feeling relief and relaxed in his arms "that is if you dont get sick of me by then"

He holds her close, resting his head on top of hers. “I think you’ll find me a pretty patient person.” Dakota took to a moment to feel her breathing near him, smiling.

"Then forever it is." She says quietly into him. Taking a moment to appreciate his arms around her, she begins humming a lullaby her mom used to sing to her softly.

Dakota smiles at the humming. It’s a sign she’s feeling better. He rubs her back, slowly. “Want to come back to bed?”

She pause her humming to think about it. "I'm kinda scared to go back to sleep.." she says kind if sheepishly "I dont want to have another nightmare"

He grins impishly, a rarer sight in his old body. Dakota leans in to whisper in her ear. “We don’t have to sleep~” He pauses then chuckles. “But I’m fine wherever you want to be.”

She blushes at his words and hides her face in his neck. " I think we better go to our room" she leans back and kisses him

Dakota kisses her in return, supporting the back of her head. It takes a moment to remember but he moves his lips along the smoother part below her beak. When he pulls away he grins. “What ever you say.”

"Lead the way ranger" she chuckles at his cheekiness has she waits for him to stand up

He takes her hand and gets up, closing his fingers around hers as he leads her back through the hall. Strange eyes glow in the dark at them, but the presence of the animals is more comforting than not.

She squeezes his hand once as they walk back to their room. Feeling nothing but their shared love in her heart more certain about their relationship then ever before, she smiles as she looks at the man who could bring her back from the brink and then squeezes his hand again.

Dakota squeezes her hand back, smiling and twirling her close for another kiss. He’d forgotten what this side of himself felt like, the younger, more playful side in his childhood that had been left at the roadside. A new life and Najat pulled it out of him. He thinks briefly of what he can remember, after dying. The images were hazy, but knew that part of the reason he came back was for her. To enjoy a time not trapped by old wounds and just be. He just hoped it would be enough to make her happy.

She kisses him back, and giggles. She loves seeing him like this so playful and enjoying himself. Suddenly she remembers breakfast, "There better not be any ferrets in our bed." She chuckles and looks lovingly into his eyes

He laughs. “No, only badgers. At least I think that was a badger. I’ve only seen them in books about Avistan.”

She laughs with him as she rolls her eyes at him. "Wouldnt know I cant see the creatures so I'll just have to take your word for it."

“Well, I’ll ask any I see to stay away. I mean, can’t have any otters or the like cuddling with you, can we?”

"I only want animals we BOTH can see in bed with us, and if otter so HAPPENED to end up in bed with us I'd only be mad if it was hogging your attention" she smiles clearly trying to figure out how she could get an otter in their room

He shrugs . “My magic might be gone, but it looks like I’m still an otter magnet. Can’t help it I suppose.”

She kisses him "I must really be an otter then because I'm pretty attracted to you"

“Hmm,” he considers. “You do have a tail, and you were raised by water. I suppose that works.” He grins into the kiss, then saunters over to the bed. “Suppose we’ll need to get tired then, or those otters won’t be wanting to wonder over.”

"Also I'm pretty cute which is another otter trait" she bats her eyelashes at him as she walks back to his side hating the distance between them "if only we were tired huh." She smirks at him "I really do hate keeping the otters waiting"

He grins and grabs her suddenly, tilting his weight so they would both go tumbling back on the bed. For a moment he worries about breaking the frame but, after no snapping sounds, laughs again and pulls her close. “Whatever happens,” he says softly. “I’m happy I have the chance to love you. I know things...” He trails off and rubs her arm. “Will be different, but I hope it’ll be for the better.”

"Ahh!" She yelps in surprise as they tumble back then burst out laughing when they land. She wraps an arm around him "I love you too, and whatever happens we'll be there for eachother no matter what" she moves her hand to lay it on his face has she leans in to kiss him.

He closes his eyes at her touch and returns the kiss, holding that smooth place behind her crest to hold her head and neck. He feels goose bumps and enjoys the shiver. Dakota wonders, briefly, if the want for more affection was in part due to having been so broken. Going from being filled with shattered bones, to touch without pain, was novel now. He tries to push that aside, back with the rest of the fuzzy memories he can’t quite reach. He wants the chance to just be happy, not over thinking which was a bit hard now that he was... smarter? Was that possible? He certainly felt like his thoughts were a bit clearer, as one track as they were right now.

Najat get closer to dakotas body allowing her self the comfort. She pays attention to everywhere they are touching really notincg the slight change in his touches and she wonders how much he was changed has they have never really had a chance to be this close to eachother. She made bite but pushed her thoughts aside wanting to truly be in this moment with him.

His hair stands on the back of his neck as she gets closer, taking a moment to breathe before kissing her again. It’s not that he had never wanted this, it had just always been... a struggle to get back to this point. After Ammerlyn. A single cold finer ripples down his back, tensing his shoulders. Skode he was glad Sena hadn’t wanted anyone to go into the temple with her. Even if she never recognized her again, he could never look into those cool, reptilian eyes ever again.

Najat feel Kota tense up and she pulls away just enough to look into his eyes. "Everything okay my love?" Concern sweeps over her face wondering if maybe he wasnt has ready has he wanted to be.

He grins. “It’s nothing awful, I promise.” Dakota looks off to the side. “Do you remember when I first told you about my dad? About not wanting people to pity me for it?” His grin turns a little sad. “Let’s just say the first person I was... serious with, thought she needed to fix me. It made me a little skittish.” Saying that was like letting out a long breath he had been holding. The smile brightens again, and he runs a hand down her arm, slowly, then kisses her neck. “I know you’re not like that, though.”

She mulls over what he said a moment and though she appreciates the distinction between her and this other woman she still cant help but to wonder "Are you sure about this then? I dont want to push you.." she places her and in his face and strokes his cheekbone with her thumb.

Dakota leans into her touch, smiling. “I’ll tell you if we need to stop,” he answers quietly. “Which reminds me, I suppose now is a good time to ask if there’s anything I need to know about?”

Najat grows bright pink at his question and kinda looks away from him. It reminds her of what her mom said about their age difference despite Najat never giving it a thought before.

Dakota was always amazed at how pink someone already technicolored could turn. To keep things light, he gently tucks his hands under her hips and rolls them, end with the Saurian sprawled on to of him. He chuckles and touches her hand. “It’s okay if you’re not sure, it’s okay. I’m not one to always be in control. I want you to be comfortable with everything first.”

She covers her face with her hands and mutters through them. "I've just..." she takes a deep breath "I've never.. been THIS serious with someone..." as excited has she is and as much as she loves her half gaint she cant help but be a tiny but scared of what hell think.

Dakota laughs, but not in a mean way. “If it helps, everyone is always terrified at first. They’re lying if they say otherwise.” Or well, young and toxic and self hating, but she didn’t need to know about that. He practically didn’t count that one. “Would this help?” Dakota carefully peels off the simple white jerkin, showing the full purple skin beneath. He takes one of her hands and touches it to his chest. “Just do what feels alright, but I won’t be offended if it’s too strange.”

This man, this beautiful, patient, loving man is the best thing Najat could ever ask for. She for a moment just feels his skin under her hand. She let's the warmth of his skin warm her hand and, has she gets more comfortable with the idea, slowly she traces the muscle of his pec.

Dakota let’s out a small gasp, smiles to make sure she knows it’s a good thing. He closes his eyes lightly at her touch, let out a deep breath. “That’s good...” he murmurs.

She smiles knowing that it's her making him feel this way and slowly traces her hand up his chest and around his neck to pull him in for a kiss.

Dakota hums pleasantly into the kiss, his hands running up her back to her shoulders. He tries to keep his touch light and encouraging, just enough to let her know he’s there, but not enough to make her nervous. Or hoping not at least. He opens his mouth slightly, inviting a deeper kiss if she wished to try.

She let's off a soft coo as his hands move along her skin before she takes his invitation and deepens the kiss playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck

Dakota let’s out a soft, happy sound as her hand plays with his hair. Well, at that to a new spot. This was going to be interesting. He moves his lips against hers, smiling a bit as he moves slightly around the beak. When he takes in a breath he murmurs her name and cradling her neck with one hand while the other playfully ghosts the spot just above her tail.

She hums softly and melodically as pure happiness fills her chest. She pushes into him slightly wanting to feel more of his touch as his hands move

Dakota felt her press closure, that and her voice causing his heart to start hammering in his ears. He continues to touch the base of her spine, the other running up the base of her skull. He inspects any feathers he finds, being careful not to break any off.

The feeling of his fingers on her feathers is new to her that makes her grin and make a soft happy coo. With her one hand still in his hair she uses the other to trace the muscles of his abs and along his hip.

His back arches slightly at the feeling of her fingers drifting lower . Her fingers ghost near where the sword scar used to be. There’s an odd part of him that will miss that, but he would rather not repeat that performance. When she lets off the soft coo he whispers breathlessly. “Doing all right so far?”

Panting slightly she answers "better then all right" she smiles " and you?" She asks has she continues to feel his smooth skin under her fingers almost waiting for a scar to jump out but relieved that reminder of her hatred is gone.

He grins. “I think we’re getting this new body broken in.” Dakota takes a moment to catch his breath. “You’re doing great...thank you.” He jumps slightly at her touch and curls his fingers into the hem of her shirt, letting out a deep breath, trying to slow his body down a bit. Najat was eventually going to notice certain... sensations eventually, but he didn’t want to add any pressure. Slowly was just fine.

She laughs a bit "Yeah I guess we are" she takes a breath because she needs to remember how to breath because every new sensation takes her breath away. "I really hope so.." she giggles nervously as her fingers trace a little heart on top of his hip bone.

Dakota takes her free hand and kisses her fingers. “Don’t be nervous,” he says softly. “It’s only wrong if it hurts, remember that that alright?” He traced her palm with his thumb. “It’s why I like doing it this way. People hear giant and they get nervous. Shouldn’t be like that.”

She smiles and looks away from him for a moment. "I just.. I guess... dont want to screw up.." she trails off kinda in thought still tracing different little shapes across his skin

Dakota gently takes her hand so it lingers over his heart, which is still lighting drumming in his chest. “Feel that?” He says softly. “Trust me, that means your doing it right.”’He lets out a long sigh then adds. “Look Najat... my first time, not a relationship, my first being intimate with someone.. that was a screw up. We were young and stupid and just doing it out of spite.” Gods, he still felt terrible he couldn’t remember her name. “Even if we stopped right now, this would be right.” Dakota squeezes her hand, smiling. “If I can make you laugh and feel good, that’s worth it for me. The rest of it is just... later.”

She kisses his hand on top of hers softly. "I guess I just cant stay out of my head.. so I get a little nervous about screwing this up somehow. I mean for hells sake I made you pants out of a damn curtain because I didnt think about looking in the dresser, so I'm making sure every move is thought about and carefully decided upon because I dont want mess this up" she closes her eyes so he cant see the pain of her own self doubt because maybe one day hell see her the way she does, just an awkward kid who has no idea how the real world works.

Dakota chuckles. “That was pretty bad. I think we should keep those, though. I kinda liked them.” He then reaches up to touch her face. “Hey.” His voice is soft. “Look at me.” He wants her to see his eyes, see how he thrills with each touch. “I’m right where I want to be.”

"You're just saying that" she opens her eyes slowly looking at him leaning into his touch because it's the most comforting feeling in the world before she leans over to kiss him. One day shell figure out a balance between thinking too much and not at all but perhaps not today, not in this moment because she desperately wants her brain to shut off so maybe just maybe she can enjoy herself and be happy. She deserves to be happy, right?..

“You know I would never,” he whispers before the kiss connects. Stay with me. He wants to scream it. He wants to pull her back from that place she goes where her eyes go glassy and she stops talking. He takes both hands cup the back of her head, kissing her hard enough to make him a bit dizzy. “I crawled back for you.” He whispers between breathes. “Every day, I crawled back into those broken bones to make sure I could tell you how I felt before...” Dakota doesn’t quite finish before going in for another kiss. Stay with me... The thought repeats. Finally he forces out the words. “I love you.” His voice his a touchy needy, if only to help her see. “If you want me, please stay with me.”

Najat caught by surprise takes a moment before she kisses him back. She listens to his words mulls them over in her head. Here she had not only a man asking her to stay with him but man who definitely deserves happiness who fought his way to her and somehow found that happiness in her. She knows he loves her, she knows her fears aren't formed in fact but slefdoubt and she wishes she could be free of these fears. She looks into his eyes looking for any proof that maybe her fears are right but finds nothing other then the man who came back to her, who loves her and wants her. Najat takes a deep cleansing breath trying to shake her worries away. "I love you too Kota." Her voice soft with a hint of a crack in it. "I want you here, I want you in my life, I want to stay here." She wraps herself in her arms trying not to break down. She so desperately wants him, and wanted this night to be special for them both but she let herself slip up. In being intimate she became vulnerable to her own feelings and while she knows just how deep her love for her half gaint runs she now knows how deep her self hatred has ran itself into to her heart. She would give anything to have it not hurt. Hurt her own feelings. Hurt her Kota but she just doesnt have the words to express what has happened to her tonight, she can only hope her love is strong enough for Kota to feel.

He looks up at her and let’s out a long breath before carefully sitting up and wrapping himself around her. He curls her to his chest rocks her gently. “You’re going to be okay.” They had been the only words that had pulled him through his own loathing, and were the only he could give. “I promise, you’re going to be okay.” Dakota takes the blankets to wrap them around her to keep her warm. “It’s not a one time thing only thing.” He adds softly. “I’m right here, whenever you want me. All you have to do is ask.”

She takes a deep breath trying to steady herself against him but it only breaks the dam she tried so hard to keep up. Najat begins to cry and sob has she clutches for her Kota, her love. She wants to feel grounded and secure in herself but she cant. It hurts so much, she feels her chest tight and her throat like its closing. Though her eyes are closed she still feels the pressure around her eyes that would be tunnel vision. She gasps for a breath bearly successful and her body tenses and coils. It feels like she is dying and theres nothing she can do about it.

Dakota ignores the knife twisting in his chest as he continues to soothe her, gently kissing her forehead and rubbing her back. He can feel tears running down his skin and each is a new stab of pain. He knows no amount of pleading or begging will pull her out of these feelings, it has to be her. But the want to do the work for her aches. “Sssh,” he whispers. “I’m right here. I’m always right here.”

Between broken sobs and shallow breathes she just mumbles out "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" repeatedly like a broken record. She managed to screw up their wonderful night after all, she knows it. It's her fault shes hurting, her fault.. "my fault, my fault" she sobs out. Hoping her broken apology is enough for Dakota to forgive her, enough that if she survives, he'll still love her.

He gently tilts her head up, kissing her eyes. “Why are you apologizing?” Dakota knew why, but he just tried to smile. “It’s not the end of the world, I promise.” He did his best to brush away the tears. “Not a one time thing, remember? One night you’re going to be ravaging me and I’ll won’t know what to do with myself.” ‘Please laugh, please something,’ he thought. ‘Please just stop hurting yourself.’

Najat takes a few shaky breaths and opens her eyes, crying still, just to look at the angel of man in front of her. She knows shes hurting him. She tries to smile, to grin, to do anything but cry and fall apart. How can someone love someone so deeply only to show it by hurting them.. only to hate themselves just has much? "I'm so sorry" the only words she bring herself to say. Maybe if she was stronger or kinder. Maybe if she hadnt been so selfish shed have the courage to not hurt him. To get up and stuff everything back in to it's dark closet it came out of, but she cant. Her legs feel has heavy has lead, her arms like limp noodles. It feels like Sahillia is on her chest but she wont get off. "I'm sorry" she cant keep hurting Kota like this she cant keep being selfish. Najat tries to move. Move away so maybe just maybe one of them doesnt have to hurt so bad.

He can feel her shifting away from him, so he loosens his grip. He doesn’t want her to feel trapped. “Nothing to be sorry, about. It’s been a rough few days.” Dakota carefully lays down, patting the mattress. Maybe at least she’ll still stay next to him. “Let’s try to get some sleep, okay?”

Najat desperately wants to lay down next to him, it had been a long night for them and maybe shed feel better after getting some sleep. HIS evil disgusting face pops into her head. NO that monster cant win. Najat screams out in agony. Why, why did HE have to ruin this for her? Why had she let HIM in and ruin her?

Dakota watches helplessly, only able to reach out to take her hand. He can see her in pain, in the now, and in the memory of her holding onto his shirt, wordless and so far away. It all spiraled so far, but he tries to hold onto that brief moment of her lost in exploring him. Maybe in the morning she can remember how much he had just enjoyed being with her. But now he can only squeeze her hand and hope the exhaustion will let her sleep.

Najat sways a little before having to lay down. She can feel her head spinning a bit so she tries SO hard to find her grounding, her comfort, her Kota. She gives in to her selfish desire not being able to handle it anymore "make it stop" she whimpers "please..." her voice down right begging.

He wraps himself back around her, kissing her gently. Dakota then tucks her head into his shoulder and whispers. “I can’t take that feeling away.” He wishes he could. That it could be purged like poison. “But I know what it’s like to live in those thoughts.” The new, deeper voice finally cracks. “I know how they make everything dark, and they claws at everything you care about. And I know it hurts to try and stop it, because the lies feel comfortable after a while.” After the nagging lies sit so long in your head that they feel like your own. “But I can be here to help you, and I won’t stop reminding you that it will get better.” A few hot tears finally squeeze through. “Because I love you too much to watch your hurt yourself anymore.”

Najat shudders has she tries to take a deep breath. She tries to focus on kotas words and her breathing. She desperately needs to feel normal again. She needs herself to get grounded and pick herself back up off the floor of her mind. It all Najat can do to focus on her breathing, to listen to Kota speak. She shudders in another deep breath

Dakota lets the last few tears leak out, cause he can’t let himself spiral after her. If they both go into the water, they’ll both drown. There’s one last thing he can think of, he just hopes he can remember the words. Dakota strokes the back of her head and starts singing in Giant, the melody steady and sleepy. The words are old, but speak of the first rivers, traveling towards the sea before becoming rain and cycling back again. It’s a rowing song his grandfather’s father had fitted into a lullaby years ago, and one of the only pieces he had from the Sphinx River giant part the family. But it was music. He just hopes it was enough.

Najat shudders out a few more breaths before her breathing steads out. Her eyes still leak but it's not long before she starts humming along with the melody, softly and gently getting softer until shes breathing heavy and deep as she is pulled into unconsciousness wrapped up in Dakotas arms and her face still covered in tears.

When she’s finally asleep he whispers a soft prayer to Skode of gratitude before the exhaustion takes him. The dreams that night are bitter sweet. Dreams of the River bank of his childhood, before the family was ripped apart. Before his uncles revealed themselves monsters. His grand father, his aunt. His father. All the true giant kin there, all now dead. Maybe it was a reminder from the Hunstress of the past she has buried inside of him, best to be left there. Or it was a vision of all that hate could poison and destroy, and why he couldn’t afford to lose anyone else to it.

[happywitch416]

I'm going to keep asking you: Josephine, idk if I asked about Sebastian or not but if not then it's happening now, Cullen, Sera, Alistair, and Cassandra. I already know your feelings on most but my dude, your opinion is so important to me and also your posts are hilarious.

Did a Seb!

Josephine

How I feel about this character

Josie is that elegant, well spoken lady I dreamed of growing up to be when I was a wee punk. She has mystery! A good heart! Golden. Ruffles. The noble eldest of her family, saving them from doom. I think its fair obvious I am heart eyes gaga over Josie. And she's a gossip! True story, my favorite kind of person. Tell me all the things. 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Leliana and Josie is probs my favorite ship for Josie. Next would be the not romance with Blackwall. I don't think I have a specific Inquisitor romance for that i like. But imagining her with an ex carta dwarf lady makes my heart feel fluffy. Val may get a cousin.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Also Leliana, i love their friendship? How they pick on Cullen and Cassandra. You know the shopkeepers cry in terror and joy when they arrive. Like yes a sale but oh the standard they demand.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I don't think I have one. Hm. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon 

I am actually good with her canon. A marriage would be nice in Trespasser. Oh that would be glorious. The flowers alone. 

Cullen

How I feel about this character

Cullen is. He is not my favorite normally. Fandom ruined him for me, #notsorry. Now. I do think he is a character with great potential. I also want that furry cloak thing. I need it.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I dont have specific ship but there are a couple, as in literally 2, specific pairings that I read. But its more because I love friends writing then because I am googly eyed over noodle head. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Therapy. He needs it. Do they have lyrium anonymous? That's what he needs.

My unpopular opinion about this character

That is not a redemption arc. He definitely becomes more selective with his mage distrust/hate. But he doesn't really change from his all mages can't be trusted stance. And the templars were poor mistreated puppies! Yeah no they problematic to bud.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Him interacting with now ex templars. Growth beyond the dogma and the addictions. It needed more. But kore isn't for boys who are pretty i guess 

Sera

How I feel about this character

Sera is a disaster and I love her. Sera is all of us who saw a qunari lady and also went woof. I like that she's nobody compared to most of your companions. She's a real people. Also eat the rich mentality is just yes. Throw them into the pit. And she brings the inquisitor in as a red jenny? Who else goes after this life, let's have another for you let's go. Her friendship is also so sweet? For all her friends, I don't think she gets friend friends until she's with the inquisition. Also, I totally get how she talks, train of thought is relatable. 

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Dagna!!!! They are just so damn cute. I am also partial to her and my Asa. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Iron Bull. Mayhem. I also love her and Blackwall. She gets him. He gets her. Dick jokes. 

My unpopular opinion about this character

She is perfect. And has a valid point. If there is a golden throne whats worse? An ass in it or it being empty? I also like that shes not an elfy elf. So many are doom gloom our lost cause. From like...over a thousand years ago. Can we grow pls

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I want to be a wingman on a Sera and Dagna date. Let me set up my explosions are for bonding lesbians. 

Alistair

How I feel about this character

I was too old for Alistair when I first met him. He's a child. Literally. He's like 19. Thats a baby adult, the boy who didn't want to be king. Also i found this lone blossoming rose amongst the dead things so i took it..for being chantry raised he is not very understanding of miracles. And you gift him dolls. Why did duncan go oh yeah i'll take this one to probably die young. Like why dude. He could have left the chantry with alistair and been like okay here's 100 gold and go that way. You have a good sword arm, become a guard somewhere. Instead of feed the child blood... I also really hate how he treats Morrigan. Wtf man. And yes, she is mean back but to say he was inappropriate when they first met would be an understatement. I'd be a bitch to him to.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

No ships. Oops.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Wynne, he needs a mother. So badly. He needs cookies and hugs and stories. He may not be a child by age, but definitely by maturity. 

My unpopular opinion about this character

Like. My whole ass opinion lol

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I want him and Leliana to discuss that rose lol but i want alistair to grow a spine. He doesn't want to be king. His uncle treated him like shit, tell him no? Walk out on that king deal? Like thats barring sparing loghain bc he does sorta grow a pair then but abandons his duty that supposedly means so much. Why couldn't he have been like nah Anora is the queen why should i take her spot? That i don't want? 

Cassandra

How I feel about this character

I like that Cass is so Cass. Okay. She will fucking punch you in the face but also reads smut. I have found my people. She tries to right her wrongs, and the orders. She is also willing to eat her own words. She believes in people and goodness. While also maybe stabbing people. But she is also so naive? She believes Varric. Honey. Sweetie. He's full of shit and your full of shit meter is broken.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

I don't really have a ship for Cass. Bear with me here, she is married to her work. She believes in it with every fiber in her soul. If she had to choose between romance and what she felt called to, what was right? She would let go of the romance. Which is supported by canon if you romance her and she becomes divine. Love only in glances. The world needs saving after all. And for cass it won't ever stop needing to be saved.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Cullen. She is a good influence on him, that he can do better if he tries, that he is better than he thinks. Also Dorian, their love of books would be a good start for a friendship. You know they read a lot of similar smut, especially if it's terrible. How else do you be mean to it.

My unpopular opinion about this character

I am angry she tried to murder my dwarf. We will go rounds lady. In her defense, I understand why she wanted to stove his head in lol and that's why I don't ship them. To antagonistic for me.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

I am pretty happy with her canon.

[sometimesrosy]

Hey Rosy! I know you said you'd be collecting some of the Tiffany spoilers and like you, I don't want to be spoiled but I don't mind being spoiled if I like the spoilers lol. Is there anyway we can access what you've collected? Also, a nonny noted that Tiffany squashed Becho/Braven rumors, what did she say do you know? ps- im so ready for Wed. not only bc I'm dying to see canon Bellarke, but also bc I'm so done w/all this anxiety. sometimes i cant believe im this anxious over a tv couple

Honestly I’ve been getting a few here and there and I never know where to put them so let me do another under the cut thing. I don’t have the receipts so if someone says she said something, I’m not going to be able to tell you what she said. I closed twitter and I’m not looking at it again until after the show.

Anonymous said:Man oh man… Tiffany (SORTA? SPOILER) just reblogged some photos where a fan wrote what she thinks about the bellarke separation… it basically says that bellarke will be confirmed in some way and they will probably be seperated… rosy omgggg

tiffany likes speculation that bellarke will be confirmed and then separated. that’s what I’ve been thinking the whole time. they’ve just been dragging out the confirmation for the whole season. which, ahem, is making me disgruntled.

Anonymous said:*****potential S5 spoiler***** Tiffany just said this “Question fans should be asking is: what about ALIE? She is going to play a big part in S5. Life on Ark will not be peaceful with her around.” OKGGMGMFKOAOAUABEKDP

Okay. Well ALIE in space. I have totally been saying that I thought ALIE was still on the Ark, where she went to hide from Raven and Murphy trying to destroy her from two different directions. I’ve wanted to see more from ALIE and Becca, and I think they are both out there and I think that’s still to come into play, although it seems to me now that it’s a loose thread for season 5.

Do NOT know how that’s going to affect them up there, but it was clear from the start that it would be risky, dangerous and uncomfortable. total subsistence level existence. they’re lucky they have Raven AND Monty, they’re going to need them. 

Anonymous said:You can totally post this ask under a cut since it deals with spoilers for the finale, but how did Tiffany dispel Becho rumors? I’ve steered clear of as many rumors as I could but Becho is my one worry. Did she give anything concrete? Because I know she’s said Bellarke positive things in the past but a lot of it has come from her own feelings and not what actually happens in the show.

Again, I have no receipts, but i did see someone blogged her tweet telling people to wait for the end of the episode and that would put the nail in the coffin of Becho. On a related note, I saw her say that Braven baby speculation was just getting ridiculous and out there. And that Praimfaya was a very bellarke centered episode. Or some such. Dont’ take me as an authority. I’m not reblogging those because I said I would do that stuff under the cut. 

Anonymous said:Dear Rosy, Alert! More spoilers are leaking with more information for the finale than had been released over the last few days. All I can say is Bellarke has never been more endgame than this. It’s the 100 - with all the craziness that entails - but Bellarke is a Jane & Rochester /The Notebook/North & South/Tristan & Isolde/Odysseus & Penelope kind of love. Star-crossed and fated and meant to be like Romeo & Juliet (without the daggers and poison). We’re going to be so, so, so happy with S5.

This one isn’t technically tiffany, but I think it’s in relation to all the screeners, so I’m going to put it here.

Anonymous said:they ask if theres more than a hug and she says 🤐when the last time they asked her about a kiss she said no there is no kiss or confession so it is clear we getting canon also she said theres much information lobbed about bellarke away for 5 years or separated and that our jaws are gonna drop with the twist also our bellarkes who have seen the spoilers of act 6 are not worried at all, i think the hug scene is where we are getting canon, bcs that werent leaked before and isnt it now

speculation based on vaguely positive or not negative or no comment kinds of comments.

Anonymous said:Mainly peoples problem with Tiffany is that she usually gets bellarkers hopes up, only for us to usually be let down. She’ll say she loves bellarke so much in an episode and then we get 2 seconds of them standing next to each other… so thats basically it as far as I know

True. She’s pro Bellarke, but her idea of pro bellarke isn’t the same as the shippers’ pro bellarke. I think that might be where we get some of the disappointment. But Selina kind of reinforces Tiffany’s optimism this time. So that’s hopeful. 

I think Tiffany just wants to calm all the people’s doom and gloom anxiety predictions, so i get it. She’s positive because Bellarke has never been killed. Even in those moments which are not bellarke or are obstacles, she sees forward movement… which I actually agree with. 

But like I said, that’s not the kind of bellarke development the shippers want to see. They want canon, no detours, no obstacles. So there’s a disconnect with what Tiffany and the audience each will be satisfied with. This is the struggle of being a non-shipper who is in love with a ship because it’s just that great. I feel the conflict, myself. No matter what happens in praimfaya, I have no doubt that Bellarke is endgame. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t getting screwed in the mean time. And they are screwing with us.