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festivalofthe12 · 5 months ago

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No but it really is starting to settle on me just how much MORE popular Yuki/Kakeru is since the new anime came out.

Like: I recently regained access to my old livejournal from the late 00s!!!! And unfortunately I made that after the height of my Fruits Basket phase, but I still did make some mention of Yuki/Kakeru... And, well.

18) A pairing that is woefully unappreciated! YUKI/FRICKINGKAKERU. I swear, there's less than a PAGE of this on fanfic.net. Less than a PAGE. Geez, it's implied SO MUCH in so many scenes, even WITHOUT the whole 'I'll brake up with you' thing. Bloody fandom, don't appreciate good characters and pairings when they see them... (8/3/2008)

And as I implied in an earlier post, while I was trawling through the Ao3 tag (still on-going!!) I decided to give myself a blast from the past and re-read through the Yuki S. and Kakeru M. filter on ff.net, which I remember checking religiously. Today? Three pages.

Ao3 has 10 pages and 200 works!!!

And even then, like, lately I've been going through my old bookmarks (sadly I've only found one Yuki/Kakeru, which I'd already remembered anyway), with a current focus on Zuko/Aang. Well, even just by googling I can immediately summon up whole rec lists of livejournal snippets and fic memes and the like, so I was excited to see what I could dig out for Yukeru, since I certainly remember Fruits Basket having a big presence on that site!

Nothing. Literally, I haven't found anything yet. Save a livejournal comm with exactly three posts, long-dead.

Of course, it makes sense that the new anime brought in new fans: Kakeru famously never showed up in the old anime, so people would only have ever even met him if they read through to, what? Volume 8? Later? of the manga. And I do recall the fandom being far less... Yuki-positive, back then. Yuki/Kyou was a popular ship, of course, and Yuki/Haru was around, but those ships had Kyou and Haru fans behind them; you'd only ship Yukeru if you were really invested in Yuki himself.

But it's still just boggling me. I did find Yuki/Kakeru rec lists, but they're all from the last few years. They alone have as much fanfic as ff.net had of Yukeru total back in 2008, when Kakeru had surely existed for a good half a decade at least, even in English.

Is there something about the current fanfiction landscape that is far more amenable to Yuki/Kakeru? Probably, yeah, I think: it's a pairing very situated for queer coming-of-age found family type stories, which are much more popular now. (Not that they never existed before! But fandom was much less... consciously activist-y. Maybe I'm just betraying my age back then, but it was much more common to ship boys simply because they were ~smexy~ together, as I think I myself cringefully wrote about Yuki/Kyou in my very first livejournal post...)

And it's. Such a strange feeling. I remember when I realised that season 2 of the anime had come out, and on a whim deciding to check the Yuki/Kakeru fanfic tag on ao3. And I thought I found only a small number! And I read one, and went 'oh cool, my old ship has Plural New Works!' and moved on!!! I truly had no IDEA there were so MANY... or that they were so GOOD.

Yuki/Kakeru was one of the first ships I ever wrote. The fic was very long and I'm sure very bad, though unfortunately this is from the period of my writings lost to time, so I'll sadly never be able to check it out for my (current) self. I think it was the first lemon I ever wrote; on a Pirates of the Caribbean fic I exclaimed that this second lemon was much better than my first, and I have a sneaking suspicion Yuki/Kakeru is who my 14-or-so old self had written like that.

I made a friend on ff.net because they were one of the very few Yuki/Kakeru writers. I have a visceral memory of coming upon the 'I'll break up with you' scene while reading the manga at school during lunch, and how I immediately exclaimed it aloud in great excitement, startling a poor teacher who had been talking to one of my friends and no doubt knew me as being very quiet. I'm sure I must have drawn it in all sorts of little doodles; I saved a lot of my old high school arts, so maybe I should try going through those as well?

I don't know. I'm just feeling a great sense of awe, I guess, haha. That ship was *so important to me*, and it was *so hard* to find anyone else who felt as strongly as me! (My friends all liked Fruits Basket with me, of course, but we've always tended to have divergent ship tastes.) And right beneath my nose, it has had a renaissance! It sprouted and bloomed and then went dormant again while I twiddled my thumbs, vaguely promising myself that I'd get back to the new anime at some point or other!

God I just. REALLY wish I'd been paying attention while the anime was airing, hahaha. :') My inner child has been so thoroughly validated by this all, that this ship I cared so much about really IS as great and important and meaningful as I'd always thought it was! But how must it have been to be in the thick of it all, when the ship tags were thriving? When I could've seen the new viewer's reactions to famous scenes? When everyone else was thinking about Yukeru as much as I have been, this last month or so?

But I'm not only unhappy. i can't not be grateful that these people have come and made works which I can still now and enjoy, and that there are still certainly people around to like my silly little Yukeru posts and even maybe make new ones. Things are so much better now than they were back then.

It's just. Incredible. Why didn't any of this happen back then?! Why did this Understanding take so long to spread and percolate?!? I don't know. But I'm happy. My younger self... is so, so happy. :'DDD

#yukeru #fruits basket #i. literally just went to choose an appropriate avatar.#FUN FACT yknow all those lj avatars I shared recently??#I uploaded a couple to my dreamwidth account!!#who'd've thought those icons made possibly 20 years ago might still find use :'D

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someoneinjersey · 1 year ago

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while googling the answer to "why does 5 seconds of summer hate their song 'dont' stop'" last night i came upon a tumblr post from a now deactivated account, dated 8 years ago listing four big reasons why they hate 5sos.

as someone who's almost 40 and just became a 5sos fan and has lived through the golden and bullshit days of pop punk and little bands full of dudes etc, i was like OP I JUST WANNA TALK

like their points were that 1) they steal riffs and logos and designs, 2) theyre mean to fans, 3) theyre sexist, and 4) theyre homophobic.

as to point 1 -- at the time the post was made, they were still teenagers (or three of them were, one was 21) and they were of COURSE going to be making music and designs or whatever that were influenced by the bands they liked and grew up on. that's how that shit works, both being teens and being in bands. its extremely hard to be original anymore, and you can't even say the bands they copied were being original either because they TOO were drawing from artists who came before. everything old is new again, every song sounds like another song and every art design has been influenced by another or is a tribute to another. that's just ART. the video linked to prove that a 5sos song was the same as another band's (it was either MCR or FOB or Green Day, idr) is no longer available, but i think a better video to watch would be one of several that points out all popular songs are from the same chords.

as to point 2 -- again, the post cited that explained the bad experience has since been deleted, but you will find that EVERY SINGLE ACTOR OR SINGER OR BAND OR ANY TYPE OF CELEBRITY HAS STORIES FROM FANS WHERE THEY WERE "MEAN". because people have bad days, and sometimes fans really feel entitled to too much of them. we as consumers of their art aren't entitled to shit. and once more (this is a theme to my pov) they were literal teenagers who shot to fame and by their own accounts were sometimes doing five countries in five days.

points 3 and 4 -- the sexism and the homophobia which were just old twitter posts ... i would like to know if OP has ever met a group of young male friends or anyone from australia. obviously we know now that shit's not kosher and hope they've grown and learned, but they were teenagers (I say this because all the ones cited were by Michael who was not the member who was 21 at the time of OP's list). they're about the same age as my brother, and having been around him and his friends at that age ... that's how they talk to each other. same with having had a best friend from australia for 17 years, culturally it's not a big deal to say shit like that. and AGAIN if it's about putting it on twitter for everyone to see, THEY WERE STUPID BOYS.

even though i'm not on twitter anymore (or fucking X or whatever) and i don't follow them on social media at all, i haven't seen anything to suggest they still have that same dumb boy mindset. and you can look at it like, thats me being sexist or ageist, or you can look at it like i'm excusing it all because of their age and gender and the cultural differences, plus their parents probably didn't teach them any differently. so honestly take this however you want but like man. having lived through the pop punk bandom during the 2000s and 2010s, you gotta be able to separate people making stupid mistakes from people doing really fucked up shitty things.

so thats my rant because that post rubbed me the wrong way OH WELL.

#5 seconds of summer #5sos #luke hemmings #calum hood #michael clifford #ashton irwin #rant

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amythystraine · 9 days ago

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I Deactivated My Facebook Page

Yep, I did it. It was about time. Ever since the birth of the algorithm, even though I had thousands of people on my friends list, I think three of them saw my posts (sarcasm, kind of). True. I had been reading about "shadow banning" on YouTube, Facebook, and a couple other platforms, and I wanted to see if this is what happened to my FB profile, so I logged into my other profile (come on, we all have one), and even though I was on MY OWN FRIENDS LIST, I saw virtually nothing -- no posts -- when I went to view my main profile. I thought, boy this is odd, I'm my own friend, but I see virtually nothing. I'm thinking this must mean that other people on my friends list see virtually nothing as well.

I think I figured out why.

I've been promoting my books on FB for years, literally YEARS, and I got a nice bit of back and forth, responses, comments, and the like, until FB started charging you to "run ads", to pay for "sponsored" ads, and I've seen quite a few of these ads come through my feed from other authors. But, hey, I don't make enough money off of anything to pay for promotion, and I'm not really sure how much I trust their spiel: "If you pay us $50 for an ad, it will be shown to 3000 people". No, I don't believe it.

So, there you go.

I have a private page now, consisting of family, a handful of people I know from The Real World, and a few internet friends I've had for years that I've become very fond of -- and I have a few more of these people that I need to reconnect with. Less than 30 people so far, and it feels much more cozy than 4000 people who were mostly total strangers.

I do want to say that with my private page I have now, I did take the opportunity to create three new public pages at Facebook, and I'm going to give you the links to those pages here:

The Mystic Crone click HERE

I began this page with a few posts which include episodes #30 to #37. From now on, when I post on The Mystic Crone Blog and The Mystic Crone YouTube, I'll make sure that I post the latest podcast on this Facebook page. Let it be known that there are a slew of podcasts @ this YouTube, if you haven't checked them out, and as we say -- spiritual readings are Timeless.

You'll find mystical readings inspired by Spirit using the tarot. They say that once you reach a certain age you become invisible, and to an extent, that's true. However, with age and invisibility comes a certain sense of power.

"Reclaim your power, O' ancient one. Walk the paths of your ancestors, communicate with the spirit world, and challenge the shadows. The universe will be still to hear your whispered words of wisdom." ~ Mystic Crone

Spirits n' Stuff click HERE

I have 22 podcasts uploaded to my Spirits n' Stuff YouTube, and I managed to post all of these to this new Facebook page. I will certainly try to post new podcasts, as they're created, to this page as well. You can subscribe to this YouTube channel to be notified when I upload a new video.Spirits n' Stuff explores the world of spiritualism, the supernatural, the paranormal, cryptids, myths and legends, hauntings, and the unknown.

BOOKS by Amythyst Raine click HERE

At this Facebook page, I've created ten posts, a post for each book, including info from the back cover text, a banner created for each book, and in the comments you'll find a link to purchase each book at Amazon. I won't be creating anymore posts on this page. Basically, you'll find my books here with the info you need to browse & purchase.

Amythyst Raine is a Best-Selling author of metaphysical books on tarot and intuitive reading, witchcraft, Wicca, paganism, women's mysteries, new-age spirituality, the pagan Goddess, gray magic, and green witchcraft.

There you have it, my new experience and journey on Facebook, going forward. I would be absolutely thrilled if you visited these pages and click the like or follow button, feel free to leave comments, watch podcasts, buy books, or enjoy an intuitive inspiring spiritual reading.

#Facebook #The Mystic Crone #Spirits n' Stuff #Books by Amythyst

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ratralsis · 7 months ago

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Brief update

I haven't written anything long in a while because I haven't had a ton of time.

My latest writing class ended a few weeks ago. The course report I filled out wound up hurting my tutor's feelings so much that, even after I wrote multiple emails apologizing, she didn't want to continue tutoring me in the next class. I didn't think anything I wrote in the report would surprise her, but I was wrong.

It's what I get for trying to be honest. I wound up saying at the end of my apology email that they should either ask me for my feedback more often than one time at the end of the course, to avoid being surprised like that again, or not ask for it at all. I'll do the work either way.

Writing classes are hard work. I don't view them as supposed to be fun. I can write for fun on my own time. And I do. You have no idea how much I cracked myself up writing last month that showing a non-gamer a photo of Squall from FF8 would literally kill them, and that the UN is actually an organization devoted to wiping FF8 from the Earth. That's fucking hilarious to me, man. Love that shit. Didn't get a single note. Most of what I write doesn't. Doesn't bother me. It did bother me when that Doctor Worm story didn't get any notes. I've said that before, but it does still bug me a little. That was a good fucking story, and I don't care who says it isn't.

My cat, Tina, nearly died of some kind of nasal blockage or respiratory infection. For $65, she got a quick exam from a vet and some amoxicillin, and now, nine days after starting that (and with a couple of days left of the stuff to go), she seems much better. But she hasn't jumped or run to play with the cat toy in over a month. I think that her new normal will never be as good as it was even three months ago. That's life. The vet she's "doing great for her age." Her age is 89 in cat years. "Alive" is great. "Typical for her age" would be dead. It's like if you went to the gym and saw an 89-year-old woman walking on a treadmill going 3 miles per hour. "Wow," you'd say. "A twenty-minute mile? That's great for her age." But that's because most people who were born 89 years ago can't walk at all, because they're fucking dead. So are most cats who were born 18 years and three months ago, so, yes, Tina is doing great for her age.

I discovered a small leak in the roof of my garage this afternoon. I called my home insurance company and will hopefully have someone able to give me an estimate on what it will take to fix it soon so that I can determine if I need to make a claim or not. There have been multiple bad storms where I live recently, just like there have been literally everywhere on the continental US recently. Where I live has been pretty mild, comparatively.

I'm hoping it won't cost more than a couple thousand dollars to fix. I can afford that much, though it will hurt, a lot. I've been saving like crazy all year, and that will undo much of that saving, but it won't even put me as low as I was last year when I was literally begging for money on the internet.

It's been over two months since I said on my Animal Crossing blog that I would post my photos from Leap Day and the few days before it. I haven't done that yet, and that really does upset me. I try hard to be a man of my word.

I'm not talented. I'm not charismatic. I have very few innate abilities. There's only one thing I know how to do, and that's put in the work. I updated that Animal Crossing blog every day for nearly a decade, so believe when I say that 1) I know a fucking thing or two about a work ethic, and 2) I'm sorry I haven't posted those photos yet. It's been difficult to do much writing lately that isn't for my novel.

I had to throw away everything I'd been working on on the latest draft about three months into my last class. I'm still working on catching up. I have sixty days before the next class starts. I have ten chapters left to write before I can call this draft done. Can I do it? Of course I can. Who the fuck do you think I am?

But it means I don't have a ton of time to write for fun, or watch TV for fun, or play video games for fun, or anything for fun. Every night, after dinner, it's an hour of writing, at least.

It's not supposed to be fun. Even chess grandmasters, the ones who love the game so much that they become the best in the world, don't get that good by playing casually. They work at it. The only way to get to that kind of level is to work at it.

There's no such thing as good enough. There's better than the last thing, which is always possible, and there's perfection, which never is. That's all there is.

I'll be better later. Probably. I don't like to complain, so I try very hard to do it very rarely, but sometimes I go so long without saying anything at all that I think even complaining might be better than nothing.

Let me know if I'm wrong.

Let me know if I'm right.

Let me know anything at all. I don't like screaming into the void like this, but I sure have been doing it for over twenty years, haven't I.

#ratralsis writing

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tjsonb · 8 months ago

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Life update

Hello Tumblr.

It's TJ here. I know I haven't posted much lately. I'm a little frustrated about my loneliness. I've been feeling like I've been missing something and that nobody cares about how I feel. I hope writing about it helps but gosh... I don't even really know any one of my followers like that. Heck... I don't think I really know anybody like that.

I've always liked Tumblr because it's been a place I could literally dump anything going on in my life. I don't even know if anyone cares enough to read about this but here goes nothing.

I've been very successful lately. I've got my sobriety on lock. I've quit smoking cigarettes. I've been keeping in touch with my family regularly. I've got a job. I'm getting a promotion. I own a business. I lack a girlfriend and the confidence to find a girlfriend. I live in a sober living home and share a room with 2 other old guys not even close to my age. I'm religious but I'd like magic in my life, not the sloppy fake kind but like ACTUAL magic. I know it sounds silly as heck, but seriously, there's been like this hole in my life that it just fits perfectly into.

I miss the crap out of my 3 children. It seems like there's nothing I can do about it though because through legal issues, there's this shitty barrier that I'm ready to break through by all means. Right now I should be asleep because I've got to get up hella early in the morning volunteering for something I'm literally losing interest in very fast because in this recovery crowd, it just feels like it's got people running around in circles for someone else to take the next best thing of yours while they give away their last. It entirely sickens me because although it feels like I'm bettering myself, it also feels like I'm being robbed of my time and relationships.

It's been about three months since my last relationship went to shit and anyone I've tried anything with just hears shit talked about me because it's the same, stupid crowd OR their not emotionally available. And I'm not about that whole closed off, hideaway until I die alone, kind of life.

I'm tired of reaching out to people and not being reached out to. By the way, I absolutely hate AI. Since AI has been out, nothing has seemed legitimate and I'm tired of fake ass people turning into some sour puss seeping from a sopping wet burrito.

Like, is there something wrong with me? Am I that fucking repulsing to be around? I get along with people at work just fine. My family seem like they love me. And I love myself unconditionally until the day somebody finally decides to love me.

Emotionally, I'm doing so great. Physically, I'm exhausted. I've made it easy for some girl to wiggle her way into my life by patching myself online and throwing myself into a crowd. Like damn, I'm only 28 years old. What kind of life am I living if I can't live a life with a female who's remotely interested in anything I care to do with her.

Trailing along, I don't want to carry my success much further because I feel like I have to find someone who's interested in me while I'm not successful otherwise the only thing that'd be lurking in the back of my mind would be something like, "is she with me only because I'm doing good in life or is she going to disappear as soon as things go to shit someday unexpectedly?"

Trudging forward, will someone just message me and make an effort at a friendship with me because I'm the kind who sticks around as long as the chemistry between us is fair. I'm too freaking young to feel this alone and I'm not ready to say fuck everyone and go my own way just to wind up happy being alone.

For real, I know I don't need anyone but God in my life. I care enough to post something about myself and hope someone gives 2 shits and a half about putting in their two cents out of the kindness of heart.

#writing #imo

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moonlightperseus · 1 year ago

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I get that. I was kind of like "it won't be good, bit it WILL be babs" and that was almost enough for me. I tried. I just didn't succeed.

I am an hour away from finishing the Graceling audio book and I just? Cannot get myself to listen to it. I had to renew it just for AN HOUR. That's my biggest issue with audio books. But everyone's different. I understand you liking them for long drives.

I liked seeing Dinah have a mom lmao. That was literally my favorite part I don't even remember what else happened.

That's fine I haven't continued bombshells. We're in this together 💔 I'm glad you're enjoying the others though!! I forgot actually that I was going to look into buying my brother a zatanna comic for Christmas. So thank you for accidentally reminding me.

I went to them a lot when I was little because all of my big siblings were super into them but then I stopped for a while and only wanted to go this year for art I didn't buy. They ARE fun but also yeah I spent like a solid 4 hours too overwhelmed and just not wanting to be there.

And I DID draw her. I hate it, because I'm not good at what I do. But the cosplayer did lead to me drawing a Dinah and posting her on my silly little art account.

The delay is fine dw. We're equally bad at being timely it seems.

I will just add a quick note though: I was scrolling through Amazon and saw leverage and I ALMOST watched it because of you. (until I remembered that I am a disaster and cannot sit through a single episode of anything and it was a lost cause)

i would like to apologize because it has been basically 2 weeks since i received this ask. i apologize. i have been busy and tired 😔

oh yeah i def have a harder time remembering to read audiobooks when i’m just chilling at home. it’s like. yeah i could put my headphones on and listen while i do chore stuff but that requires me to motivate myself to do said chore stuff 😭 sometimes i’ll listen to audiobooks when i’m alone at work (sometimes it’s a little hard when dogs are barking) or when i go on a walk with my dog and that’s been helping me with reading outside of just long car rides.

i think i started the annual of injustice2 before i went on my unintentional comic break (had a friends wedding and just Life happening) but i need to actually commit to continuing my read. for a little bit before my break i had started on some of the old dc/marvel amalgam comic specials because i think the concept of mashing characters together, especially from different comic universes, is really fun.

oh!! so i was away at the beach for my friends wedding (wild that i am old enough that the friends my age are getting married.) but while we were there my family went to a flea market and i found some of the old guard tales through time comics for 2$ each and i bought three of them. i haven’t cracked any of them open or even taken them out of their plastic sleeves yet but i’m proud of myself for getting them bc they are used (though in pretty good condition) i’m not a fan of the traditional tog comic art but, at least for the one joenicky one, the art is a lot more my speed. and i got the andy and nile cover ones too because. women.

i think i would like to go to a comic con eventually. at some point. a smaller con though probably.

if you ever feel like sharing i would love to see ur art/art account!!

omg i love that you associate me w leverage. i do LOVE that show and heavily recommend it to anyone seeking out a new show but i completely understand you not seeking out a show rn! (if u ever do feel like checking it out i would love to hear ur thoughts but no pressure)

hope you have been doing well in these past two weeks and i promise i will try to not unintentionally ghost you again for two weeks i really kept meaning to reply to this ask but also kept forgetting 😔

#comics anon #anon #abby replies

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nishisun · 4 years ago

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suna rintaro is NOT a genius.

summary: you loved the idea of soulmates. suna rintaro didn’t. it isn’t that hard to put two and two together to realize that maybe people with different opinions on things don’t belong together.

part 2

a/n: this was literally supposed to be a series, i gave up on it because i just didn’t like the way it turned out. it used to be called “out of my league” and this was the intro. i also renamed it. just emptying drafts!! please don’t get confused with the random timeskip, once again, this was a part of a series i never ended up posting😭

WARNING!!: suggestive themes, mentions of death, idk kinda angsty but tell me if i missed anything

Soulmates. Whatever the hell that means. The idea of soulmates is something I truly don’t understand. It’s bullshit, honestly. It’s all-pervasive.

My mother always told me I'd eventually find "the one.” I used to believe that when I was younger of course. But in my opinion? It’s all cliches. It's unhelpful, and it's certainly not true. Destiny is an excuse for the weak. Why do you think most marriages end in divorce? It's 'cause people who believe they are “destined to be" assume everything will fall into place without any effort. I don't appreciate people pontificating bullshit like that just to make me feel better, especially if they haven't found their "soulmate" themselves. My sister once told me, “People who believe in soulmates are more likely to break up and encounter more difficulty in their relationship, which will lead them to give up on one another eventually.”

I sure do believe that.

My mother is a prime example. Fumeiko Suna, my dear mother. Well, she clearly hasn’t found hers. I found out when I came home after a tedious day of school in 5th grade and found my dear mother on the floor crying, with bruises all over her face and a busted lip.

Initially, I thought a burglar had broken into our home once again, but if that were the case then there would’ve been missing furniture. But there wasn’t.

In fact, the place seemed cleaner than usual. When I ran up to her and asked her what had happened, there he was. The devil himself. My father. He reeked of alcohol, and I could detect his shadow towering over me. It’s funny how that I think of it. I used to fear that son of a bitch. Now, I’m way taller than him, and hate his guts. I turned around to see a faux-sympathetic smile plastered on his face.

He explained how my mother was being “clumsy” and had fell and busted her lip on one of the corners of the kitchen table and when I turned back around to face my mother, she smiled gently and nodded in agreement. She didn’t say anything after that.

It was then I realized my father had beat my mother to a pulp.

Long story short, when I found it was my father, sure, I was frightened. In fact, I remember going into my siblings’ rooms to inform them, they shrugged it off and told me that dad had been doing it for a while now.

Over time, when my dad had found out that I was aware, he didn't mind beating the absolute shit out of my mother in front of all three of us. This was when my burning hatred for that man started. Nobody in the house even attempted to stop him. I did a few times, though. He took all his anger out on me. At least my mom had a break for the day.

I almost pitied my mother. Almost. Maybe if she was strong enough to leave him, then yeah, I’d feel bad. But she still decides to stay with his sorry ass. It’s pathetic. It’s unrequited love or whatever you call it. How could she still love that asshole?

I mean, I’m not even going to lie, I’m an asshole too, but I’m definitely not my dad. I would never want to be him. He’s not someone I looked up to, he doesn’t do anything inspirational. He’s a businessman. He travels the majority of the time, and I’m pretty sure my mom invites men over when he’s gone. I don’t care enough to find out. But if I ever hear some guy rearranging my mom’s guts, I’ll kill him. I don’t even blame my mother. What she’s doing is wrong, she knows it and so do both of my older siblings. But they don't seem to care so why should I?

Who knows why she just won’t leave him. Maybe it’s cause they don’t want to ruin how people view our “picture perfect” family. I wonder what they’d say. “I thought the Suna’s were the ideal family? I guess not.”

My dad would probably lose it if he heard that.

Both my mother and my father are the cause of this broken family of mine. They never fed me or any of my siblings the love we always desired when we were younger. They never came to any of my volleyball games when I was younger. They never applauded me for the little recitals we’d have in class in primary school. They were never even here for most of my childhood. They always put money first and left us with the housekeepers. Hell, the housekeepers probably know me better than my own parents.They failed as parents. I despise them for it. They’re most likely the reason I am the way I am, but to be honest?

I don’t give a fuck.

In fact, I should thank them! Because of how they “raised” me, i’m extremely blunt, which is why people respect me. I use the hatred I have for my family and take it out on people and no, I’m not proud of that. I may be a heartless asshole, but I like that people fear me. The hell? Does that make me a sadist? Either way, people know to never fuck with me cause I’d fuck their shit up. I’ve overheard many people say it’s ‘cause of my privilege. It probably is. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy you many other things.

If my parents were broke, I’d probably be expelled from school by now. Abuse of alcohol and drugs are forbidden on school property. I don’t even take them at school, I somewhat care about my education and health, but sometimes I just need to blow some steam. Even if I did, nobody’s gonna say shit since my dad is the head of Japan’s board of education. How did his ass even get there?

Call me lonely or cynical. Maybe I am. But how is that a bad thing? Why do people need a significant other to rely on? What, a soulmate is just going to turn my life upside down then suddenly bring me happiness? Pfft, I’m gonna need actual proof that shit like that still happens. I’ve only seen shit like that in fairy tale movies. It’s whatever, though. I can live with being alone. I’ve basically been alone my whole life and it isn’t as bad as people make it.

You loved the idea of having a soulmate. The thought of meeting someone who just understood you, accepted you for who you were, and most importantly, loved you excited you. You couldn’t wait to meet your soulmate.

But recently, you weren’t sure soulmates existed.

When your older sister, Akira, came into your room and burst into tears, it frightened you. Your older sister, the one who’d always provide you advice on relationships and how to keep one was in your room sobbing hysterically because hers hadn’t worked out.

“I just can't believe it,” she sobbed.

You couldn’t believe it either. Your sister had recently gotten engaged to her boyfriend of 9 years. They started dating at the age of 15 and managed to make things work out even after high school, and out of all those years of dating, they never broke up. Not even once.

They’d go on romantic dates on Saturdays and they’d always write love letters to one another every day, just to remind one another of how grateful they were to have each other in their lives. On Halloween, they’d dress up as fictional characters from TV shows and books and take cute selfies and bake a bunch of sweets. They’d invite you to come bake with them, but you would politely deny. You knew they were only offering so you wouldn’t feel left out, which you appreciated.

Of course, they’d argue every now and then, but at the end of the day, they always managed to talk things out. Oh to have a relationship like theirs. They were everything you wanted to have in a relationship and more.

“I really thought he was the one for me, y’know?” No, you don’t know. But that doesn't matter. What mattered was cheering your sister up.

“Maybe he wasn’t ‘the one’ Akira, and that’s okay! People come and go all the time, soulmates come and go all the time as well-”

“You still believe soulmates are real, huh?” she let out a humorless laugh and sniffed her nose, “What If I missed my one shot at love, Y/N? What if I lost my soulmate?”

That’s some deep shit.

Now that you think about it, were soulmates real? Soulmates come and go, yes, you’re aware of that, but even though they leave, it’s always temporary. Soulmates always find a way back to their other half, the piece that completes them.

Your dad never made it back to your mother.

He died in a car crash 5 years ago. Your mother and father had been arguing because she claimed your father was cheating on her since he wouldn’t let her check his phone.

You were 13 at the time. Your sister Akira was accompanying you in your room, listening to them arguing back and forth with one another. There was furniture flying across the room, glass breaking, and both of them throwing curses at each other. You were scared. They never argued in front of you and your sister. They'd bicker sometimes, but it was never anything too deep.

Eventually, your father had enough of your mother’s false accusations, and out of anger, he packed his things and left home. For weeks. It wasn’t until one of your uncles called your mother and broke the news. She didn’t take it very well.

Late 2012-early 2013.

Not many people came to your father’s funeral, his family didn’t like the fact that he and your mother were together, they said your mother was trouble, but your dad still stayed with her, even if that meant it would completely destroy the bond he had with his family. Now that’s true love, you had thought. Only your mother, Akira, the Sunas, your uncle, and you, of course, attended the funeral.

It hurt a lot. It hurt when your mother informed both your grandparents on your mother and father’s side and all they could do is put the blame on her. It hurt how they had claimed you, Akira and your mother were a hindrance to your dear father’s well-being. How could they be so cruel at a time like this?

That was the first time you ever questioned if soulmates were real. Maybe they fell in love at the wrong time? Who knows.

After your father’s passing, Fumiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, was there to help your family out financially. Your mother couldn’t even find the motivating to go to work. Your mother and Fumiko have been best friends since junior high, they’ve literally been inseparable ever since. In fact, after they both got married, they decided to live right next to each other.

Your mom didn’t cope with your father’s death very well; none of you did. But your mom had it the worst.

She would cope with alcohol and clubbing which would always result in her bringing different men home almost every night. You didn’t say much about it, you thought it would be selfish to since that’s what seemed to make your mother feel better about herself, but your sister hated it. She was already 19 and in college at the time, but when she visited and found out that your mother had basically been neglecting you, she was furious.

“Seriously, mom? This is what you’re gonna do while your 13-year-old daughter is in her room having a literal mental breakdown because of your childish behavior?” Your sister had barged into your mother’s room when she thought you were asleep, she was screaming loud.

“You’re interrupting something important, Akira. You know better than to-”

“Oh, shut the hell up mom. You’re the last person on earth to be saying shit like that.”

“Well, if you’re done, you can leave my room now. You’re being disrespectful, and this behavior is not tolerated!” Your mother was screaming now. The man in the bed covering his body under the covers and looking back and forth between Akira and your mother.

“Sakiya, maybe you should hear your daughter out-”

“Not now.” your mother scarcely interrupted the man, eye contact never leaving Akira. “Y/N has never complained about this when you were in college. She knows this is my way of coping, why can’t you understand that too!”

Akira scoffed. “So what, getting fucked by random strangers you find on the filthy streets is your way of coping? Getting wasted every damn night to the point where Y/N has to drag you up to bed is okay with you? Do you even know how much this is affecting Y/N? Did you even bother asking her how she felt? I hate breaking it to you mom, but you need serious help.”

“You selfish child!” Your mother screamed, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around her body, getting up from the bed. “How dare you say that to your own mother?”

“I’m only telling the truth! If you’re the mother, then it’s your job to be taking care of Y/N, not neglecting her. When’s the last time you’ve engross in an actual conversation with her when you were fully sober?”

Your mother was silent. She quickly walked up to Akira and grabbed her by the hair and slammed her headfirst against the wall.

“You’ve got a big mouth! Maybe I should wash it with soap like I did back in the day, hm?” Akira was attempting to push her mother away, but she wouldn’t let go of her grip. The man that was still on your mother’s bed was in panic, yelling her name, which didn’t have any effect. He might as well stop.

"Look," Akira mumbled, struggling to get away from your mother's grip, "I know it's been hard ever since dad left-"

“Mom! Let go of her!” You cried from the door of her room.

All 3 adults froze and looked at your glassy eyes, mouths wide open.

“Hey, kiddo, I thought you were asleep?” Akira playfully said, your mother let go of Akira and crossed her arms then looked away from you.

“Well, I can't really go to sleep when there’s a bunch of adults yelling about my well-being,” you muttered incoherently. You quickly wiped the uncontrollable tears off your face and sighed.

“Honey,” your mom started, she walked slowly to you, carefully examined your face, and attempted to hug you, but you didn’t accept the offer which made your mother frown. She stopped walking until she was almost face to face with you and placed a hand on your shoulder gently. “Baby, your sister told me that you weren’t happy. Is this true?”

You looked away from her and stared dully at the floor, subtly shifting your feet, then you softly shook your head “no.”

“See Akira, Y/N is happy. So please stop stressing her out.” Your mother said through gritted teeth, then faced you once again. “Y/N honey, how about I go tuck you into bed, hm? I’m so sorry for the excessive noise that was caused.”

“Mom, how clueless can you be? Y/N looks miserable! It’s unhealthy for Y/N to be living-“

Slap.

Your mother just slapped Akira on the face.

“I know what’s best for my daughter! I am her mother! You are not the one who should be telling me how to take care of my own kid!”

“That’s enough, Sakiya.” a familiar voice said from the door.

“Fumeiko-“

“It’s fine. Sakiya, we need to talk.” It was Fumeiko Suna, your mother’s best friend, also known as your next door neighbor. She had been standing in the hallways the whole time, you didn’t even know she was there. Akira was the one who called her over.

That night your mother agreed to get help for her drinking problem. She was gone for 6 months. During those 6 months, the Suna’s took you in since Akira would be in college and you couldn’t have been more grateful.

You and Rintaro were the only kids in the house, being that you both were the same age and the others were in college. It was okay, they were all very polite, dinners were awkward, you could feel some sort of tension between the family but you didn’t pay any attention to it.

When your mom finally came back, it was awkward at first. She still seemed the same, loving and caring, just sober and free of alcohol. It was nice. You two spent the weekends bonding at the mall, watching a movie, or even getting your nails done. Eventually, she gained your trust back, and you couldn’t have been happier.

January 2017.

“Akira, don’t say that. You may not believe me now, but you are such an amazing person, don’t ever think you’ll never find love again. It’s all about having a positive mindset!” you said, thoughtfully stroking her hair as her head laid on your chest.

“I told you that.”

“You did,” you chuckled, “you should take your own advice.

“Oh, shut up!” you both laughed, and Akira let out a shaky sigh. “Thank you, Y/N.”

“Of course, you don't need to thank me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

— so this is one of the writings that i wrote in January 😭 it’s been in my drafts and i re-read it once and instantly hated it right after. if there’s any typos please tell me!!

— also i wanna apologize again for putting gmds on hiatus,, i feel so bad 😭 i wanna make it up to you guys but idk how so if you have suggestions pls tell me

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bonniesgoldengirl · 4 years ago

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1K CELEBRATION

I've just reached 1,000 followers and I'm so happy! Thank you all for following me, even when there have been times where I haven't posted anything! This is genuinely so amazing, I've never had this many followers on anything before

As part of the celebration, I've decided to copy what everyone else has been doing these days and include a few ask games in the celebration, but that's not the most exciting thing happening (at least I hope its not 😂). So, without further ado, here's the games!

🖤 - Fuck, Marry, Kill: Send me three characters or celebrities and I'll tell you who I'd fuck, who I'd marry, and who I'd kill. It doesn't have to just be PB characters though. A list of shows/movies I like will be included at the end

💜 - Would You Rather?: Send me two things (characters, foods, shows, movies, etc) and I'll tell you which I like more or which I'd prefer to watch, eat, do, have, etc. (I've phrased this weirdly but hopefully ye understand)

💙 - CYM: Cast Your Mutuals! I held off on doing this one for ages because I feel like I'll be terrible at it and I'll feel bad if I forget some people because I have a lot of mutuals, but it's really popular. So, send me anything from food, to show characters, to weather, anything. Once again, my fandom list is at the bottom

💚 - 2 Truths and 1 Lie: Tell me 2 truths and 1 lie and I have to guess which one is the lie. I know some people would then also give 2 truths and 1 lie for the sender to guess from, but honestly I'm terrible at thinking of these 😂

💛 - Ask Me Anything: Literally just ask me any question and as long as it's not gross or too personal, then I'll answer!

🧡 - Tropes: Send a character and a trope and I'll try to write a one shot that's less than 1000 words on it. This will be a challenge because I have trouble writing shorter pieces. These might take a while, so please be patient!

Not only am I playing these games though, I'm also

OPENING REQUESTS

My requests are now open! One shots, headcanons, preferences, all of them. Please read rules before requesting, though!

My Shows/Movies: Peaky Blinders, Harry Potter, Fantastic Beasts, Twilight, The Umbrella Academy, The Hunger Games, Divergent, MCU, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Friends, That 70s Show, Derry Girls, Disney, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, BBC Sherlock

I'm tagging some mutuals so more people see this, but no one has to interact with this!

@champagneholland @deepdonutkid @retromafia @peakyrogers @peakysabrina @byorder-fanfic @smallheathgangsters @flysafepapi @smallheathbaby @chellestrash @murswrites @theshelbyclan @tommyburntoutcigar @michaelgreys @peakywitch @comebackjessica @peakyblinderswhore

Sorry if I forgot anyone!

#1K celebration #Thank you!#1K followers #Celebration #Follower Celebration

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lady-dimitrescus-loving-wife · 4 years ago

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Anyone Want To Role Play?

Last update: 10/22/21

Newest update: 12/20/21

Before I get started please excuse the grammatical errors I most likely made on this post.. I'm literally only human mate. If im missing anything or forgetting to add anything to this post I'll probably come back to it later. Anyway let's start.

Just wanted to say that since I have not much of a life and I'm bored as hell that I wanna roleplay/rp. I would go back to actually writing but I don't have the drive that I used to so oh well. Only text me though if you're a literate roleplayer if not, don't even talk to me yo hehe. I only have one roleplay partner at the time (and I love them dearly they just get busy) (UPDATE: Now I have three other people I role play with, keep that in mind!)

ACCOUNTS WITHOUT AGES IN THEIR BIOS WILL BE BLOCKED!

Anyway I can do character x character but like.. I'm in the mood for some of oc x cc roleplays and by that I mean this:

I rp your favourite character and my oc and you do the same by rping my fav and your oc. For more of what I'm trying to say, since people get confused, is that if I wanted to rp The Arcana (which I hella am right now) You'd be my fav character or the character I want and your also rp your oc with that response you made with the character and I'd do vice versa.

Anyway some fandoms I feel like doing rn/or have done are:

The Arcana

Hazbin Hotel

Genshin Impact (Still new to the game but I'm down to play! I CALL KAEYA 👀)

Jujutsu Kaisan (Also still new to it, rewatching the first season! Gotta look into and understand the characters some more but Gojo and Geto are hot)

Beastars

Obey Me

Tokyo Revengers (AGED UP/TIME SKIPPED UNLESS YOURE LOOKING FOR AN 'INNOCENT' RP WHERE THEY TAKE PLACE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL! )

Demon Slayer

Hunter x Hunter

Castlevania (RECENTLY ADDED)

FNAF (Security Breach) (RECENTLY ADDED) (I call sun and moon ùwú)

Etc that I'll probably add here later.

...Honestly that's it rn.. I haven't been watching anime like I used to so while I wouldn't rp certain shows I'm just not interested in doing so atm. However if y'all want to suggest shows to me for me to watch and I like it, maybe we can rp those then but only if I like em. Same for if you have some Otome games you might wanna suggest to me since I'm more likely to play those than to sit down and watch anime these days..

Anyway the characters I've done from the Arcana have been: Lucio, Julian, Vulgora, and Asra. So if any of those are your favourites then I can definitely rp them for you. It's been a while since I've played the game though so I'm going to start it all over so keep that in mind just in case I rp them a little ooc. Forgive me in advance.

From that fandom I want whoever I end up rping with to either rp: Julian, Nadia, Lucio, Valerius, or Valdemar. I'm REALLY craving Valdemar though so if you do a good job rping them PLEASE hit me up and marry me. 😍

Now for the characters I've done from Hazbin Hotel are: Husk, AngelDust, Charlie, Valentino and Alastor.

Who I would like would be: AngelDust, Sir Pentious, Vox, Valentino, or Alastor and from those choices I would LOVE Alastor or Vox. So hit me up especially if you can do Alastor.

For the other fandoms it'll be my FIRST time role playing any of them so please keep that in mind.

Now I wanted to say really quickly that I've been role playing for six or seven years, give or take, however as many of you know I haven't been writing stories like I used to since if it writers block and cause of shitty people on this app but whatever.. I'm using role playing to get back into (possibly) writing because not only have I not been writing on this account but accounts all over different platforms that belong to me also haven't been updated.. I miss writing but I hate people rushing me for stories and using me so yeah.

The point of me saying all this is to say I'm rusty so if you do decide to rp with me just now some replies may be a little iffy but we'll be okay either way lol.

The genre's of roleplays I do are mainly:

Angst

Smut

Gore

Psychological

Yandere & Trauma core - and by this I mean some really taboo things.I won't list it all here but if you have questions ask in my damn dms. Ex: kidnapping, non-con, etc etc!! There's more to it I want to add so if you have questions like I said just ask. And for the people currently punching air at this part, yandere and trauma core is like a coping mechanism, maybe not the best but at least no one's actively getting hurt. If you are a CONSENTING ADULT, much like I am, and you are down that's all that matters. No one here will demonize you babes.

Etc..

IF WE ROLE PLAY SMUT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME YOUR KINKS AND WHAT YOU ARE AND ARENT OK WITH ROLE PLAYING!! I'D HATE TO RP SOMETHING THAT CAUSES YOU OR I ISSUES OR PUT US IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION!

EDIT - YOU NEED TO EITHER HAVE A PLOT BEFORE TEXTING ME OR HELP MY COME UP WITH ONE WHEN WE TEXT! IF YOU DONT THEN THATS IT.

When role playing with me as well tell me if you intend to be a long term rp partner or short term. It helps because there's nothing that makes me angrier than someone who says they'll stay only to ghost me. If you're that type of person then don't even text me. If you have a busy life just tell me when you have to leave to do something before just disappearing. I ask that because I have trauma so yeah..

When introducing your oc you can send me art or a bio or both. I like seeing other people's ocs and I like showing others mines. I'm bad at names so all of my ocs go by the same name but for the sake of this post, my oc for The Arcana name is Aradia and for Hazbin Hotel she's Adalia. (I use the name Adalia for both but like I said.. for the sake of the post..) In your bio you can put anything you see fit to tell me about the character just as long as I get some good info. I can also send a bio for you all if you ask.

IF you have plots you want to try out or tell me about then do so or we can make plots together.

I'm multi-para and novella so if you could be the same when role playing that would be nice. I'm thinking about making a side account for this Tumblr so that if we need to talk about personal things it won't be on the rp chats but other chats where we can talk about whatever it is as much as possible.

In the end I just want to role play and have fun doing so! If you're down for all this please hit me up. I literally habe nothing better to do.. Also sorry for all the typos again, I'm in a bit of a rush and I'm in a situation where I'm on a heavy ass tablet instead of my phone since my phone is broke and I'm too poor to get another one so yeah. I'll care more about fixing words and sentences in role plays since that's where all of it will matter.

EDIT: IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS DM ME. IM A SWITCH BUT I LIKE TO BOTTOM AND YES IM JUST POINTING THAT OUT RN FOR YOU GUYS. ILL ONLY TOP FOR YOUR FAV CHARACTER SO IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT MAKE SURE TO TELL ME IN CHAT.

Anyway bye guys! I'll be waiting to see if anyone wants to get started, if no one does well.. it was a good shot I guess lolol. People don't rp like they used to anymore so I understand. Hope everyone has a good morning/evening/night! 😙😙😙

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bnhabitches · 3 years ago

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MHA Characters Go On Omegle 👀

Characters: Sero Hanta, Denki Kaminari, Eijiro Kirishima

I've been watching these YouTube videos by Malachichi (go give him a follow) where the MHA guys go on Omegle and it has given me SOOO many headcanons, so here we are

⚠Warnings: none

- he was just flipping through YT when he found a video of a guy going on omegle

- even though he thought it was kind of weird, he thought it would be a good way to meet some new people

- he's one of those guys that wants to be doing something funny when the people see him

- and what's funnier than hanging from his dorm ceiling by his tape like spider man

- he couldn't just hang there, no

- he's hanging upside down

- and he fell right on his head

- but his goal has been accomplished

- has a surprisingly better time than he though he would

- tells the rest of class A about it

- he's not on there often but when he is, it's a wild ride for whoever he's talking to

◍ for whoever is on screen with him

◍ lord give them strength

◍ he's the type to have his face all up in the camera when the next person comes on screen

◍ like all you see is fucking nostrils or a forehead

◍ he loves to play truth or dare with whoever is on screen and it can get a little out of hand

◍ it got to the point where he got his computer taken away because he caused a HUGE electrical surge by sticking shit in outlets and knocked out the power in the dorms

◍ everyone found him sitting in the dark doing his little thumb gestures because he short-circuited

◍ i don't know about you guys but I feel so bad when that happens

◍ he does flirt with girls that he finds cute and more often than not, he gets skipped because of this

◍ he started a YouTube channel for this and became pretty well known in the social media community

↣ kiri is probably the most chill out of the three

↣ likes to get online while he's working out, and it's not even to impress anyone. he just prefers to do it then

↣ he really enjoys when chill people come on screen that he can have a nice conversation with

↣ mans does not hesitate to skip or report anyone who's doing any rude or vulgar things

↣ other than that he will literally interact with anyone, even little kids like if someone his age has a younger sibling on with them, he'll play around with them

↣ this man is such a sweet heart istg

↣ usually, he plays music in the background and then doesn't mess with it anymore, like anything could come on and he'd just let it play

↣ trust me, if he comes across someone with a similar interest in a topic, he's gonna talk to them for hours on end

↣ honestly, being on Omegle with Kiri is such a good time and whoever he talks to that day should feel blessed

-----------------------------------

That concludes another post! Remember requests are open if anyone would like to see this with other characters or if you wanna see any other scenario.

Also, if you have filled out the tag list request form, please do so again, seeing as I have updated it so I have all the information I will need for the list.

If you haven't filled it out already, you can find it here if you wish to do so.

Have a great day everyone!

#my hero academia #my hero headcanons #sero hanta #denki kaminari #denki headcanons #sero headcanons #eijirou kirishima #kirishima headcanon #boku no hero academia #mha funny #mha headcanons #bnha kirishima #anime

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dyker-farmer · 5 years ago

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Ok this was supposed to be a quick draw and a description to go with, that blew into a full chapter and now it's also on Ao3 SO happy reading ig idk

I never see Shane works that don't go all in for romance nor explore the more realistic ugly parts of recovery, and I kind of crave That TM. So let me have at it too with the self-insert whump mumbo jumbo; no romo version.

Set post-8 hearts event, Farmer Uidelsib is two years or so in, full house built and married to Emily. They/them pronouns, same as me.

Diverges from then on, Shane-centric from an outside POV for the most part.

[[MORE]]

Take that can away if you can.

Gulp it down. Chapter 1/2/3/4

There's a few to-know to survive life in society, in the valley; there's no good way to comment on the age nor weight of both resident housewives, you can't say no to Evelyn's homemade cookies- and why would you, you fool-, you do not fight at the Saloon or you'll get no cheese anymore on your pizza and only sparkling water for drinks, and-

And you don't mess with Shane's alcohol related ritual.

Except I did, that night, because you do that, when your two-years long friendship with the guy taught you better than letting his impulses overcome yours, when your buddy is trying to recover from teenage long-lasting into early adulthood, trauma-enhanced heavy addiction, and you know, you know tomorrow he'll feel like absolute shit and question his right to therapy the moment he'll stop his pounding skull from splitting. Wonders what a three-dosage paracetamol can do.

At least he doesn't drink it out anymore.

So yeah, when you're in my shoes, you get that Joja store-bought crap out of Shane's hand, and you brace yourself for the incoming lash out.

The first fractions of seconds are always those to look closely into most. It's only a glimpse, but before the scowl slips on like a well-worn boxing glove ready to strike, there is always this open page I learned I needed to decipher as quick as I could.

Tonight, it's heartbreaking. When I peck his forehead- doting big sibling habits die hard, even when you're actually the youngest of the pair- the eyes I catch looking at me are so confused and bare of any emotion, except for the sorrow that goes beer-soaked tears, it pangs. I get used to the breakdowns, working in the fields I do when I'm off the farm's, but it's not the same when it's a friend.

When I straighten back, offensive beverage in hand, it's already gone in a flinch, away from the empty space behind the chair and onto the table, as he snarls.

"Wha- giv'me back- 's mine!" I don't know how much he drunk before he met up with me, but from the slurring, it's a Lot. A season and a half into sobriety. That's harsh.

I ignore him and walk behind him, pondering where to put the beer for now.

"Y-you can't just do that! It's my booze I got with m'money, not some- who d'you think you are?-" He sputters indignantly, angry tears fewer than the sad ones but still there. He tries to turn around and grab behind his back, but the wild movement is way off and only gets the chair to nearly topples down. I rush in time to stabilize it, and profit off the moment to set a strong hand on his shoulder.

"I can just do that, 'cus it's my house I got with my money, and I think I'm your pal who knows when you've had enough. Dude, I trust you to be an adult, but minutes before, you were already so torched I had to keep your neck upright so you didn't faceplant into the table, and you nearly just kissed my floor good evening. Not to mention you clung to my arms the whole way from the little entry stairs to the kitchen because, quoting, 'If I don't I'll fall in the hole and won't get up'."

I turn to the fridge again, going to open it, before I think better of it. Likely enough, we'll both forget it was there in the first place, it'll stink up my fridge- it's Joja's- and it'll be money out of Shane's pocket for nothing. I set it on the counter, with the rest of the pack. He'll put it to cool down when he's back to Marnie's. Or he won't, probably.

That's not a worry for now.

When I caught up with him, it was a few feet below my doorstep; he'd probably slipped up trying to climb the three steps up to it, and settled for it. He was nursing that same can, muttering to himself, head down, curled up on himself. Except for that leg sticked out, he probably hurt it when he fell, I'll have to look at that and work on it if it's too swollen. Hopefully that'll spare us from a visit to Harvey's.

Bad memories. Not mine, and it's warm and not raining outside, but. Déjà-vu.

Anyways, he looked the picture of "help I've fallen and I can't get up- and even if I can I won't because Fuck You", and it's been a hassle to have him cooperate. But when I asked if he wanted to leave, he shook his head with a fervor no somnolent drunk should have. That resulted in a lovely streak of vomit down the wall right next to the door. That's also for later. If Eryza doesn't lap it up. Ew. This cat's never predictable.

Now, he's staring at his hands, sitting at my table, contemplating something too far down for me to see- or maybe just zoning out with a sleeping brain. Then he mumbles. "Sorry."

I get back to the table and sit at arm's length across of him. "Nah, 's okay. I don't mind being a helping hand or touchy-feely, must be the frog-eater in me. Not for the helping part." I'd chuckle but my quip falls on deaf ears.

I go to put my hand over his. When he doesn't blink at it, I try and shake a reply out of him, gently. He startles and hawkeyes our joined fingers. When he's finally looking at me, I raise a single eyebrow. He doesn't say anything, but when he pulls back his arm, I let him. We both straighten up, and it's hard to keep up the eye contact.

"So…" There's a heavy air on us. Suddenly, like the last year didn't happen, we're sitting a stride away of each other, and yet it feels like he's all the way back to the forest, looking down at waves.

"Do you want me to do something?" I bend myself a little closer to him, not moving otherwise.

He puts his head in his hands, shivering. Can't tell if it's the AC or his system kicking the alcohol out, or itself, in stress. I think I hear something, but it might as just be his shuddering breath.

"Shane" I insist, voice level, not pressing. "I need words. I want to help, I truly don't mind, but I need words to know what to do." He's never shown signs of going nonverbal before. If he does, I'll improvise. Until then… I need words.

Time ticks slowly as we wait. Then, with great effort and deep fatigue, he drags his palms up from under his nose to his temple, spreading some snot and wet tears across his face from his scrunched shut eyes. Lips trembling but finally showing, that attempt to let out a sound that's not too garbled. He coughs, sniffles a bit, breathe in again, sounding like a sick dog, and blows through gritted teeth before his jaws go slack. Eyes still closed, he whispers, and I have to lower myself some more toward his crouched form to catch it.

"Can I get something to drink…?" His voice is hoarse.

The demand could be comical, if we were into sour humor. And we usually are. But right now, we're not finding the joke in the lines. I stand silently, and as I walk to the fridge again, I let my hand brush his shoulder- same spot as before.

I take a minute to choose, look into the pantry. When I'm back at the table with my items of choice, he's still sitting there, his cheek is cushioned on his arms, face hidden from view. His shoulder, except for the occasional tremor, rise and fall in rythm with his snores. Breaks my heart to interrupt that, but not really. Hangovers are mean bitches with the sharpest nail art on the blackest of boards.

"Psst, dude. C'mon." I rustle his hair backward. He hates when I do that, says it tickles, and it makes him sneeze. So I obligatory do it once a day if I can. Let's say today's my late quota for the last four days I haven't seen him.

He gruffly tells me to kindly refrain from such pleasantries, and raise bleary eyes back up at the table. I can also guess he tried to bat a hand at me, but his coordination is off and he slaps himself lightly on the ear. Then he glares bewildered at his hand for a few seconds, obviously insulted. I profit of this moment to grab a small basin from under the sink, on second thought.

When he brings his attention back to me, I'm sitting again. Between us, a jug of fresh milk from this morning, a small sack of peppers, and a juice carafe sit aside a green glass bottle. There's also some bread, mostly for me to munch on. Because, hmmm dough. He squints at it all, especially at the bottle. Probably trying to read the label.

"Yeah no, didn't get you one of my best wine, not sorry."

"Hot pepper… juice?" He looks at the actual peppers next to it. "With actual peppers?" And then I get the squint too.

"Hmph, I know you like your elongated hell tomatoes, man, what can i say."

At that, a feeble snort.

I decide that it is the highlight victory of my soirée.

"Welp, have at it." I gesture to the half-liter liquor glass right by his left.

He fumbles with the drinks and some splashes around, but I lay back on my chair, arms crossed, letting him do his thing. While I don't hold back from growing downright doting on him when I got to- or even when I don't- I don't see how more devotion right now would be not smothering. He can break my fancy glass cups if he wants and spill my milk, so long he doesn't cut himself or cry over it.

Now, you could be thinking that plain water would have done the trick just fine, if not better, in rehydrating him. Here's the thing, though; going from booze to tasteless liquid, for Shane, that's a sure way to puking his heart out. And I'd rather not have us deal with an acid bile throat burn on top of near alcohol poisoning. Sorry to not spare you the squeamish details, but his oesophagus is pretty sensitive ever since that stomach pumping back at the clinic. Hot fiery hell fruits he can do just fine, with relative moderation and hydratation- hence the milk and juice- but liquor bursting its way back from his guts? Nuh uh.

It had taken lots of coaxing, but he'd explained the plain tastes, or lackthereof, were very hard for him to deal with, especially when contrasting with strong ones like beers and whiskeys. I'd shackle it to gustative hypostimulation, but I don't know enough about him that way to say. He'd said sparkling water was a good compromise.

But I don't have sparkling water, because I do not like suffering.

I might buy a pack for when he visits though.

And I do know a handful about him already. Shackle that to perceptiveness and a stubborn streak on top of a year and so long camaraderie.

And having a certain uncontrollable fear of failing to act quick the next time coped with by accumulating information and patterns compulsively.

I shake my head to focus on the present again. He's switched from juices to soaking bread in milk to eat it small portion after small portion. He pauses in mid-bite when he catches me staring. He's still hunched on himself and red-faced and a tad bloated. His cheeks are drying and he's blown his nose. I smile calmly. Worst of the storm passed, unless I screw up and blow it.

"Ywou wan' chom'?" He offers a dripping piece of bread. In moments like this, when he's sobering but not quite, the resemblance with Jas are unmistakable. The glint in his reddened eyes that open wide, and his blank-but-not-quite wondering expression, it's all here to paint a scrutinizing but vulnerable picture of tired but bright minds.

"Nah thanks. You done with that milk?"

"...Sure." He eyes it, wary. He knows where this is going, and he doesn't like it. I take the drink off the table, and his gaze follows my movement until I bring it to my lips.

He frowns. A silent warning.

And as I lock onto him with a dead stare, not blinking a millisecond, I down the rest of the 2 liters jug in three, five gulps. I even take the time to lick my new mustache away, and close my mouth with a click of my tongue.

His expression is the macabre marriage of beffudled horror and pure affliction, disgust if you will. The face of someone who doesn't hate milk, but has grown out of it enough to not be able to live off the stuff like the brave souls I'm apart of. And probably with reason, as I actually can't, like most 20+ years old, digest the liquid in large amount. But I smile like a smug cat, perfectly content.

Cats really can't digest milk once adults, it's all social mythos.

We silently judge and fuck with each other like that for a while more, as more time passes, until the room's elephant gets it all humid with its prancing around. Enough that tears and nervous sweats start again, for no apparent reasons but the residual anxiety from the whole chain of events that led to this.

"I think we should talk about this."

--- to be continued.

#alcohol cw #emetophobia cw #self hatred cw #stardew valley shane #sdv shane #stardew valley #stardew valley farmer #sdv farmer #1!Dow Farm #Farmer Uidelsib #☆my art☆#♧Shane #*watch me push my autistic headcanons onto chicken boi*#*just you wait for the trans and hispanic ones*#*i'm about to destroy this man whole career of self depreciation*#*highly functionning dumbass energy vs immovable but movable force of sadness*#food cw #*fuck tumblr for not letting me put a read more on mobile rip ur dash y'all*#☆writing☆

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years ago

Text

Jac & Savannah

Jac: Are you warm enough? Jac: 🧣🤗🧤🤗🧥 Savannah: No but that's a total secret, okay? I can't cope with the others judging me for trying to look nice Jac: I'll never tell Jac: [subtly getting her a blanket or something though, obviously] Jac: no one can come for your look 😍 Savannah: [you know we're snuggling under this blanket together because shameless excuse to be close af] Savannah: oh I see, you're trying to warm me up by making me 😳 it's fine that can be our secret too Jac: [would be so 😳 forreal] Jac: you can blame the 🔥 Savannah: [putting her head on the bae's shoulder like we're not already close enough and doing a little happy sigh] Savannah: but your compliments deserve full credit, anything else would be unfair Jac: [patting her head under the guise of checking out the boujee hat] Jac: your outfit arguably deserves a higher class of event but I'm still glad you're here Savannah: [doing a hat swap because we do so love sharing clothes with the bae and it's amusing as well as a shameless excuse to check her out like hmm what do we think] Savannah: I'm glad I'm here too Jac: It would be weird if you weren't Jac: I'm as close to you as my siblings now Jac: in a different way, obviously but still Savannah: [swapping the hats back because the bae is serving a look and also then we have to fix her hair and make that a moment™ soz Amelia for this blatant flirting you are witnessing rn] Savannah: I feel so at home here, with you Jac: [when you think the bae is perfect so you can't even pretend to sort her hair, so you end up fussing with your own after her like ugh it's so unruly but we're 🥰 and seriously soz have a more or something] Jac: You are Jac: you're always welcome, even when we're celebrating weird non-holiday holidays Savannah: [just giving her all the compliments out loud because we see that fussy and also we don't care who hears us, again soz Amelia and snuggling again] Savannah: I'd make you the same offer in a heartbeat if I felt welcome at my house Jac: [snuggling her extra hard for a hot sec there] Jac: I know, baby Savannah: [likewise and just burying our face in the bae's shoulder fully because emotions and doing a little sad sigh this time] Jac: [doing something to make her happy, probably posting the picture of her for example] Savannah: [giving her all the compliments again because that is a good picture tbh gal you clearly have skills but then because I'm evil I'm gonna say your bf sees it and so you're texting him forever while he's with his friends doing whatever] Jac: [at least you have an excuse to get up, like your other guests lol] Savannah: [just gotta do something extra as she's getting up like take her hand and make her do a little spin or something cos you're a nerd and we know you care more about this than whatever your bf is saying] Jac: don't faint Savannah: catch me & it won't be an issue Jac: I don't need to tell you it's dangerous to play near or with 🔥 Savannah: [as close to a LOOK as we can get away with] Jac: 😈 Savannah: he wants to see me, like, right now Savannah: but I don't think he's offering a higher class of event Jac: 😏 and obviously, you have to make him sweat it out a bit Jac: right? Savannah: all night at least Jac: Poor Ty Savannah: Do you think I'm being too 😈? Jac: not enough, if anything Savannah: oh really, well I hate that Jac: I'm sure it'll do the job on Ty Jac: but I think you could do better Savannah: of course I could, especially if the alternative means disappointing you Savannah: I don't ever want to Jac: It's very unlikely that you could Savannah: It's impossible, I promise Jac: Don't worry, it wasn't a challenge Savannah: I'm not worried if it is, I'll rise to it for you Jac: 🌠🌠🌠 Jac: I am going to have to challenge my brother not to be that basic white boy who brings out an acoustic 'round the campfire, excuse me 🙄😅 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: as long as Isabelle doesn't decide to sing along, because it'll be a challenge for me to sit through that Jac: 😬 Jac: she ALWAYS gets the words wrong! Jac: I think she might be partially deaf Savannah: you would know Savannah: it's a shame she's HOPELESS at sign language Jac: honestly, she'd need to do some brain training first Jac: bless her Savannah: I'm still waiting for you to teach me, maybe I'll be worse than she is Jac: [gutted you can't say gay things 'cos most people here can understand but you can still come teach her] Savannah: [Amelia do be watching you and she definitely can] Savannah: [Jude would also just be chiming in telling Savannah what she's doing wrong like a blunt bitch so now we're mortified because we have to be good at everything] Jac: [just showing her how to tell Jude to fuck off or something like excuse you] Savannah: [literally never swears because she's that kind of trying to be classy so you've been spared gal but we're not forgetting that you made us look a fool] Jac: She literally couldn't tie her own shoes 'til like last year Jac: I wouldn't spend any energy on her Savannah: it's fine, I'd rather know my mistakes Jac: She knows it's as rude to listen in on a sign conversation as it is a normal one Jac: honestly, I don't know where her manners have gone half the time Savannah: I'll have to get better now so we can have a conversation worth listening in on Jac: I'll show you properly Jac: when we have some privacy Savannah: you can come home with me, we'll have plenty of privacy if we leave here late enough Jac: You're really gonna make him wait then Jac: 😘 Savannah: he'll be too drunk to be any use to me once his friends are done with him Savannah: & anyway, I want to be with you Jac: Good Jac: of course I'll come Savannah: I feel like I haven't even seen you since Ty & I reconciled, I've really missed you Jac: he had a lot he had to make up for Jac: so I've missed you more Savannah: [touching that necklace he gave us without realising we're doing it as we recall that horrible argument] Savannah: I'm all yours now Jac: Good Jac: because we're both going to need really long 🛀 to get the smoke smell out of our hair Savannah: ugh true! I'll wash yours if you wash mine Jac: 100% Jac: and would you ever trust a boy with your hair, no matter how sorry he is Savannah: No way! Savannah: plus he's too tall to fit in the 🛁 with me, even the huge one at my house Savannah: he'd just sulk the entire time Savannah: I'm so sorry I'm taller than the other girl you dated Jac: the basketball boys always go out with tiny girls Jac: it's like their thing Jac: so weird Savannah: right? 🙄 Savannah: it's a totally possessive thing, I'm glad you can't stand over me to feel powerful, excuse me Jac: honestly Jac: people always talk about short guy's complexes but tall lads think they're so superior just for having a few inches, okay we get what you're trying to put out and it ain't cute Savannah: exactly Savannah: & if picking me up & throwing me around is SUCH a turn on for you, work at it 💪🏾 I have to put in effort to look good too Jac: Not about it Savannah: Ty isn't either, he's the gentlest boy in the world Jac: Yeah he is Savannah: maybe too gentle sometimes, but I didn't say so Jac: I get it Jac: you don't have to think he's perfect just because you're going out with him Savannah: he definitely doesn't think I am Jac: he's got no complaints though Savannah: for now, I suppose Jac: he told me, you saw Jac: he thinks you're good, if not perfect Savannah: he doesn't want to lose me Jac: he's not stupid Savannah: ^^ he'll say anything, that's what boys do Jac: yeah Jac: how much they mean is a different story Savannah: my dad's never meant a single word he's said to us Jac: even if he meant it at the time Jac: he didn't stick to his word, and that's what counts Savannah: yes, it is Jac: Ty's dependable Savannah: I'm not though, I'm a wreck Jac: hey Jac: [looks at her and shakes her head like no] Jac: do you want to go inside for a bit? we can be getting more food and drinks or whatever Savannah: okay Jac: [casually run off hand in hand so you can go properly talk about this] Savannah: [soz not soz everyone] Jac: [also said your garden would not be that big so probably gonna need to go upstairs or down so everyone's not just 👀 lol] Savannah: [get in the basement for that parallel] Jac: [sounds creepy but yes lol, go forth for that privacy hens] Savannah: [yet again we're just telling the bae stuff that we haven't told anyone including our bf #bonding] Jac: [we know the fucking vibes, y'all gonna be ages and do not care remotely] Savannah: [gotta fix Savannah's makeup for her to because she'll have done a little cry so that's gay & intimate] Jac: [honestly how this kiss doesn't happen sooner hun] Savannah: [that's the scolding hot tea] Jac: [casual patience of a saint somehow] Savannah: [we both know you're scared to cross that line hens] Jac: [mhmm how you just don't though when the tension is this high and obvious but you know, sort yourselves out] Savannah: [for now though go back outside to find Amelia has left] Jac: how rude Savannah: Do you have any messages from her? Jac: she told them she was feeling sick Jac: but she's not said anything more than that in a message either Savannah: one of her migraines? Jac: probably Jac: smoke can be a trigger, I guess Jac: oh well, I'll message her in the group chat, make sure she's okay Savannah: I hope she got home okay Savannah: it was a bit rude of Is not to go with her & make sure Jac: ^^ I'm like, girl Jac: you've had THREE hot dogs Jac: you could've done without the last one to be a better friend but priorities, I suppose Savannah: ^^ she could've at least come & got us so we could do the right thing if she wasn't going to Jac: Seriously Jac: now I look lowkey bad like thanks 🙄 Savannah: No, it's my fault Savannah: I feel bad, poor Amelia Jac: Oh my God, no, it's so not your fault Savannah: it's okay, I know I'm beyond demanding Jac: You aren't Jac: She just has a headache Jac: you're actually going through it right now Jac: you deserve time to vent Savannah: 😔 Savannah: but I do understand if you're upset with me Jac: I'm not, at all Jac: just at Is a bit for not handling the whole situation properly Savannah: Would you like me to talk to her? Jac: That's fine, we don't need to get into their drama Jac: it's like, not a situation and not going to be one because Is either wants it to be or is literally too ditzy to check in on Amelia herself without being explicitly told Savannah: You're right Savannah: you deserve a good night even if it is a fake holiday Jac: I'm having a good night with you Savannah: Oh please, I can do better Savannah: I've been crying for most of it Savannah: [proves it by doing the most, throwing ourselves into all the activities and thus the bae as well] Savannah: [I like to imagine poor Isabelle trying to get involved & we're just subtly not having it] Jac: [montage time, honestly Is you would've been better to leave too, at least the fam is here so you aren't being totally ignored lol] Savannah: [soz that we're just falling in love here] Jac: [literally can't help it sorry they don't mean the harm they casually do] Savannah: now you're having a good night Jac: an even better one, yeah Savannah: I'll be your 🌠 Savannah: anything you want, all you have to do is whisper it to me & I'll make sure it comes true Jac: Tinkerbell's got nothing on you Savannah: your happiness is so important to me, with or without the 👏🏾 Jac: you know I'd do anything for you too Jac: I feel like I should do more Jac: be better Savannah: you do more for me than anyone else EVER has, if you did more you'd be putting your own mental health & wellbeing at risk for the sake of mine Savannah: I'm not trying to be a drain of you like Is, who literally needs her hand held through every little thing Jac: I know, you're just so good to me Jac: but you're good FOR me too Savannah: I'm not always this selfish, I swear Jac: you're literally the most selfless Jac: all you do is look after Sienna and you're the best friend to me and girlfriend to Ty Jac: it hurts my heart sometimes Jac: I just wanna take care of you and make your life so easy you can thrive and shine Savannah: You're going to make me cry again Savannah: [IRL 🥺 because the bae is so pure & genuinely takes such good care of us] Savannah: I'll survive this & you'll see what I'm actually like without all this drama surrounding me Savannah: I really will be the best friend to you forever Jac: [we're such emotional bitches atm and always tbh hennys] Jac: I know you will, you're already amazing Jac: you're going to be unstoppable Jac: and I'm gonna be right there with you Savannah: [it's the only emotion we can safely express rn because smooching is forbidden] Savannah: I'm totally fine with doing trust falls Savannah: you know I believe in you & our future together Jac: 🌍 sister connection Jac: [because we are all earth signs except Amelia soz gal] Savannah: ^^ yes! Savannah: [take your bae to dance because it's a party and that's the only excuse we need] Jac: [bye at how much of a moment that'd be] Savannah: [literally there's every chance it's the first time they have because her bf would always be there at parties and stuff so I'm deceased] Jac: [we know you'd have no qualms stealing her away but a party with loads of peers is different from how intimate this is, at best everyone has a few friends] Savannah: [exactly that, so glad you don't have to see this Amelia you really would have a headache] Jac: [yeah this would be 💔] Savannah: [thank god we've got Isabelle cockblocking rn because y'all are too in love tbh] Jac: [just joins in 'cos not in love with you and thus oblivious] Savannah: [they'd be so annoyed lol] Jac: [lmao oh isabelle] Savannah: [go get some drinks or something gals and whisper shade to each other about this poor third wheel because any excuse to keep that intimacy going] Jac: [it's a good thing you are lowkey oblivious or you'd be way more upset by it all too] Savannah: [god bless you Isabelle, so soz you get done so dirty] Jac: [in the end you live your best life, just not being friends with this squad lol] Savannah: [the best thing for you is getting new friends my love, but for now I like to imagine she's talking to them about some boy or other, remember those you massive gays] Jac: 😬 him Jac: seriously?!? Savannah: What is she thinking of? & more importantly, what part of her body is leading her in those thoughts Jac: 😷 I can't Jac: so many cold showers necessary for her and honestly just some 🧼 for him Savannah: He asked me out, knowing full well I'm not single or interested, it was horrific Jac: the definition of no shame Savannah: I didn't know what to do Jac: I bet you didn't Jac: the actual nerve Savannah: Not to sound like Amelia, but I genuinely have no understanding of what she approves of or thinks we'll approve of about most of the boys she talks about Jac: Availability? Jac: like, imagine that was all a boy had to say about you Savannah: that's so sad Jac: like if they weren't so gross themselves, I'd feel sorry for them Savannah: I've just decided, I'm going to find her a boyfriend we can all stand to be around, Ty'll know someone Savannah: it'll give you a much needed break from how clingy she is & my heart won't hurt anymore from hearing her talk like this about boys who aren't worthy Jac: Such a nice idea 👼🏾 Jac: does he know anyone that will deal with her though Jac: she's a lot Savannah: It may not be an overnight success but I'll work my 🔮✨ Jac: I believe in nothing harder than I believe in your magic Savannah: I'm your girl too, just like you told Ty, of course you have faith in me & because you do, I feel so capable of anything 🥰 Jac: It had to be said Jac: like we said, the possessive thing, not it Jac: you're you and you're so many things to so many people, and you're especially important to me Jac: if he wants you, he's gotta accept that Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I love you & you're always going to be part of my life, I hope he is too, obviously but there's none of that uncertainty with you, you are & you will be Jac: Right, romantic relationships are arguably almost always the least secure, that's just realistic Jac: ask any girl who ditches ALL her friends and then gets dumped Savannah: oh god, I could NEVER Savannah: I need you Jac: The concession they must make in their lives, like, who do you talk to about the stuff he has no interest in, who gives you advice from a woman's perspective??? Jac: so toxic Savannah: He & I have very different styles of self care, I'm sorry I simply would not survive Jac: 🏋️ is part of the daily grind, NOT a way to unwind, sorry Ty Savannah: 😄 Savannah: Don't worry, I promise I won't wake you as early tomorrow for our workout Jac: I'm not, I nearly ALWAYS wake up before you Jac: but that's okay, you look adorable and very peaceful 😴😘 Savannah: well it takes me longer to fall asleep Savannah: you look even more adorable & peaceful then 👼🏻☁ Jac: okay, so we're even 😅 Savannah: the universe is keeping everything in balance for us Savannah: I love that Jac: I know, right? Jac: if we had a 👶🏾 or a job share we'd be KILLING it Savannah: 🥺 you're going to have the cutest babies ever! Jac: 🤞 the dad's DNA doesn't screw that up Savannah: No way, we'll find you someone perfect Jac: I have more hope for Uni Savannah: you don't trust my matchmaking skills? Jac: No, no Jac: just the boys you have to choose from here 😬😂 Savannah: 😄You're right, an LDR makes much more sense for you & I wouldn't have to share you as often Savannah: I'll find you a first year uni boy who goes to school with Ty's brother Jac: You think so? Savannah: definitely, he'll fit into your schedule without wanting to become your schedule Savannah: & you may actually be able to have & sustain a proper conversation, depending what he studies Jac: you really do have the best ideas Jac: Obviously down Savannah: [immediately starts sending her pics and profiles because we're extra] Savannah: Let me know who you like & I'll totally make it happen Jac: I'll look properly tonight at yours Jac: [like no, Isabelle, you may not have more than a peep so you're #curious] Savannah: there's no rush, whenever you're ready Jac: 😍😍 Savannah: [snuggling again with our IRL 😍 because we're in love bitch] Savannah: [Savannah is just that touchy feely hoe like soz gal she's gonna just be touching you ALL THE TIME] Jac: [at least you'd have to vaguely get used to it or literally die haha, we know the 😍 are and will be for you but we'll pretend to be into these lads so we can scheme it together] Savannah: [we've since the pics you had a touchy feely vibe with Amelia too, even if it was more like hugs and piggy backs lol you can do this] Jac: [mhmm, arguably you can't but you carry it on for a long time lol]

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sage-nebula · 5 years ago

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mannnnn thank you for validating my dimitri salt because the fandom take of (usually f!)byleth """saving""" him with their (usually her) """warm hand""" etc. etc. gives me the heebie jeebies. i get that there's a lot of young people in this fandom who haven't necessarily worked out yet that no one should feel responsible for "changing" their significant other! but seeing it everywhere is annoying and i'd rather be over here in my own private salt mine, thank you very much >:(

You are very welcome. Putting the rest of my response under a cut so those who don’t wish to see this don’t have to.

First off, as a disclaimer, I just want to say: I don’t think you necessarily have to be young to be attracted to the “power of love saves all” trope, and I am also a firm believer that you can enjoy something in fiction without endorsing / liking it in real life. I myself am a fan of some dark tropes; I love drama and angst, and I have been known to put characters into downright awful situations that I would never want anyone to suffer through in real life. Fiction serves many purposes, but one of those purposes is to allow people to explore ideas that are dark or terrible in safe avenues that hurt no one. This is why there has been fiction that depicts things like gruesome murders, for example, for centuries. People who write books about murderers (usually) don’t actually murder people themselves, nor do they want anyone to be murdered. They’re just telling a story they thought might be interesting, and others who enjoy that type of story (but also probably aren’t murderers and wouldn’t want to murder anyone in real life) are reading it. So it’s entirely possible that people who are drawn to the idea of F!Byleth “saving” Dimitri from his “darkness” with the power of her love are adults, and are also people who wouldn’t go for that sort of thing in real life. That’s completely possible, and I don’t begrudge those people for it. You do you, and all that. If that’s your type of thing, great. More power to you.

But as you’ve gathered from your posts, I personally don’t like it at all.

I haven’t finished Azure Moon yet, but so far I hate … pretty much everything about the way Dimitri’s character has shaken out, and how his relationship with Byleth is being forced now. Because let’s get one thing clear: Dimitri’s feelings that Byleth “saved” him are almost as much of a 180 as his feelings regarding not wanting to kill Edelgard, with potentially even less explanation if you can swallow that he, for some reason, believed that Patricia was the first Flame Emperor because Cornelia (enemy and known liar) said so as she was dying right off the bat without any proof to back up the claim. When Dimitri first saw Byleth after five years, he at first thought they were a ghost, and then accused them of being a spy, and THEN went on to say that he didn’t really care either way so long as he could keep murdering people (and still later said that he would “use [Byleth] and [their] friends until [their] flesh fell from their bones” so, yikes). It wasn’t until Dimitri saw Dedue that there was any sign of his behavior changing even slightly. Dedue’s reunion got the romantic sounding music. Dedue brought out the softness in Dimitri. Dedue comes across as a far more natural love interest for Dimitri than Byleth ever could. Once Rodrigue kicks the bucket, Dimitri still pushes Byleth away until he breaks down into a Woe Is Me speech and Byleth offers their hand. At that point Dimitri’s gratitude and fondness for Byleth begins being pushed very hard, in a way that feels unnatural and unrealistic given how he’d behaved up until that point. If Dimitri had been more broken up and touched at Byleth’s reappearance after five years, sure, maybe. But as it stands it feels unnatural, and leads me as a player to believe that Byleth flat out just did not mean as much to Dimitri as they meant to Claude or especially Edelgard.

But all of that—the bad writing, of which there are other instances in Azure Moon, to the point where in my opinion this feels like the Conquest of Three Houses—is a minor issue. The bigger issue is the fact that the game pushes that we’re supposed to sympathize with Dimitri and see him as a tragically heroic figure when I … don’t, at all, for multiple reasons.

The first, and perhaps biggest, issue is the way his trauma and mental illness is being used by the narrative as the defining reason for why we should sympathize with him. Dimitri was traumatized when he was about fourteen by seeing his parents, friends, and others killed brutally in front of him during the Tragedy in Duscur. (Note that in this same incident Dedue witnessed GENOCIDE CARRIED OUT ON HIS PEOPLE, HIS FAMILY MURDERED RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, but the trauma that he should have from this is basically never touched upon, and instead he acts as though people from Faerghus—you know, the kingdom that COMMITTED GENOCIDE AGAINST HIS PEOPLE—should not associate with him lest it stain their reputations. Hmm. Hmmm.) Somehow, at the tender age of fourteen, Dimitri went on a brutal killing tirade during this incident, delighting in bloodshed, which understandably disturbed and traumatized Felix (whose own brother was slain during that incident, mind, albeit not by Dimitri obviously), who then cut ties with him, not wanting to be friends with someone like that anymore. (Note: Everyone acts as though Felix was the bad one for this, rather than thinking it reasonable to not want to be friends with someone who delights in murder and bloodshed.) As a result of all of this, Dimitri regularly hallucinates the ghosts of his dead relatives and friends, and devotes his entire life to avenging them by murdering whoever was responsible for the Tragedy of Duscur, as well as whoever gets in his way of accomplishing that. (Note: “Who was responsible” is something Dimitri will accept with basically no evidence. He believes Edelgard was responsible because she called herself the Flame Emperor and wore a similar outfit to the one he saw back then. Never mind that she is his age and thus was also a fourteen-year-old child at the time; no, he believes she must have magically made herself the size of an adult and was capable of killing not only her own mother, but also his father (who carried a Hero’s Relic!) and countless others. Because that makes sense.)

So. It’s clear that Dimitri has deep-seated trauma, and it’s understandable that he would have trauma from such a grisly, horrible event. It is also true that not everyone reacts to trauma in the same way, and that there is a definite stigma against those who don’t react to their trauma in ways that people can twist to be “cute” or “endearing”. I’ve talked about the Good Survivor vs. Bad Survivor dichotomy among fans on my blog before, and I stand by everything that I said. However, there are several key points to keep in mind:

Not all behaviors can be classed as just “Good” or “Bad”, and furthermore, even if two behaviors are agreed upon to be “Bad”, that doesn’t mean they’re on the same scale. Being asocial and snapping verbally at people isn’t the behavior of a “Good” Survivor, but it’s also not nearly as bad as actually murdering people and doing it as slowly and painfully as possible. Getting on someone’s case because their trauma makes them reluctant to socialize or trust isn’t the same as calling them out for torturing people to death. This shouldn’t have to be said, but this is tumblr, so I’m going to say it.

Succinctly, a shitty past does not excuse a shitty present. Yes, Dimitri was traumatized. No, this DOES NOT justify his actions even before the timeskip, much less after it. Similarly, Dimitri lampshading that his behavior is bad and calling himself ~a monster~ doesn’t make it better, either. If anything, it makes it worse, because Dimitri knows that what he’s doing is horrible and he continues to do it anyway. Just because you’ve been traumatized (rather through a single incident or years of abuse or whatever) doesn’t give you a free pass to do whatever you want. You are accountable for your actions and behaviors, always. Trauma may explain why you behave the way you do, but it does not excuse it.

The problem with the narrative portrayal of Dimitri on Azure Moon (and arguably Verdant Wind as well, since we had an Alas Poor Dimitri moment when he was killed on Verdant Wind despite him literally calling for the deaths of everyone on the field in that path, straight up telling Claude to his face that he was going to kill him) is that the game pretty much flat out tells you that you should sympathize with Dimitri because of his trauma. Oh sure, Felix calls Dimitri “the boar prince” and routinely chews him out, but if you tell Felix that you’re not going to talk to Dimitri shortly after the timeskip, Felix tells you to “not give up so easily” and that Dimitri surrendered his humanity in pursuit of becoming a better killer, as if that’s supposed to make him sympathetic. Rodrigue tells Byleth that he wishes that he had the courage to “scold” Dimitri, but doesn’t actually do anything about it. And every single person present, including both Rodrigue and Gilbert, go along with whatever Dimitri wants, even when what he wants ignores the problem of the fact that Faerghus citizens are starving to death in the streets because of the situation in the capital. Dimitri flat out tells EVERYONE that he is all but abdicating his duties as king in the name of revenge, but rather than Rodrigue or someone else experienced coming to the logical conclusion taht he is therefore no longer fit to be king and relieving him of those duties (not necessarily violently; I doubt he would have put up an argument), they instead just go, “welp, nothing we can do about it we guess” and go along with what he wants, leaving the people to suffer, because Dimitri is of the Blaiddyd bloodline and, well, he’s a sad boy and they feel bad for him.

I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’m going to: This is disgusting. It’s disgusting that Dimitri’s trauma is used as a way to try to make the player feel bad for him despite the atrocities he commits time and again right there on screen. When Byleth first returns to the monastery after five years, it’s to find that he’s decorated the place with Empire soldier corpses. Byleth has to mercy kill Randolph before Dimitri can rip out his eyes, something Dimitri grows angry with them for. Dimitri says, immediately after that, the line that has stuck with me: “I’ll use you and your friends until your flesh falls from your bones.” He’s told that the people in Fhirdiad are starving and dying in the streets and need help and he flat out says he doesn’t care. He relishes in bloodshed and crows at every opportunity about how he wants to kill. While both Claude and Edelgard look regretful about the battle at Gronder Field, Dimitri just once again roars about how he wants his soldiers to kill every single person present. And through it all, we’re told that this is okay and we should forgive and feel sorry for him because he’s traumatized. It’s not really his fault, it’s just, ooh, that darn trauma!

As someone who has C-PTSD from years and years of abuse, I can’t begin to tell you how much narratives like this infuriate me. Those of us with trauma aren’t mindless infants who are unaware of our surroundings and incapable of controlling our behavior. When I say “a shitty past doesn’t excuse a shitty present” and “traumatized individuals are responsibel for their behavior,” I say that from the perspective of someone with trauma that affects me to this day. My abuse was such that sometimes I still have nightmares about my biological mother that leave me dazed and distracted for the whole day. I’ve really been through it. But I’m also 100% responsible for my own behavior. It’s my responsibility, and no one else’s, to make sure that I don’t hurt others. If I do something wrong, that’s on me, and my trauma will never excuse or justify it.

So for the narrative of Three Houses to act as though Dimitri’s rampant murder, (attempted) torture, and love for bloodshed and violence is excusable and forgivable because of his trauma is infuriating to me. It’s infuriating to me how, after that insipid ~warm hand~ moment, Dimitri launches into constant Woe Is Me speeches where we’re meant to reassure him that it’s okay that he committed so many murders for no reason other than to quench his blood thirst, it’s okay that he wanted to use his former friends as meat shields to get what he wanted, it’s okay he abandoned his people to die in the streets, that he’s still a good and worthy king and ~just what Faerghus needs~. We’re supposed to see his return to Fhirdiad as a good thing, an inspiring moment. We’re supposed to side with him when he (I assume) later acts the hypocrite by telling Edelgard that People Dying Is Wrong and that she should surrender to him instead. (Never mind that deaths caused by Edelgard’s actions were caused as a result of a war that was necessary to take down the Church of Seiros, which actually had been ruling all of Fodlan under the guise of letting the different territories rule themselves for ages, while Dimitri just killed Empire soldiers for his own blood thirst and revenge, but you know. If you ask most of the people in the fandom, Saint Didi can do no wrong.)

But the thing is, all of that is bullshit. It wasn’t okay that he committed so many murders for the sake of his own revenge fantasies and blood lust. It wasn’t okay that he wanted his former friends to be his meat shields. It wasn’t okay that he abandoned his people. None of that was okay. And I don’t want to sit here and console him and make him feel better just because he apologies and cries about how he’s The Biggest Monster Ever as a result of his actions. Because a.) his actions were monstrous, and b.) that’s an emotionally manipulative tactic, and I’m here for none of it.

Before I go any further, let me state flat out: I’m not calling Dimitri an emotional abuser. I don’t think that was the intent behind those Woe Is Me pity parties of his, from a writing standpoint, and therefore that’s not what he’s thinking he’s doing when he goes on them. I will call Dimitri many things, including a murderer, but I won’t call him an emotional abuser because I don’t think that was the intent in the writing. However, regardless of whether that was the intent in the writing or not, it doesn’t change the fact that one of the oldest tricks in the emotional manipulation book is, when emotional manipulators / abusers are called out on their behaviors and forced to answer to the things they’ve done, they’ll flip the script and start degarding themselves and talking about how awful they are so their victims end up comforting them. A very basic demonstration of what I mean:

Victim: “It really hurts me when you act like you can’t trust me and go through my phone to see who I’ve been talking to. I feel like my privacy is being violated and like you think I’m dishonest.”

Manipulator: “You’re right, I know I should trust you more. I just get so insecure and scared that you’ll leave me.”

Victim: “I know you deal with insecurity, but that doesn’t give you a right to go through my things. It really upsets me when you do this.”

Manipulator: “I know, I’m such a horrible person. I’m the worst partner. You deserve so much better than me, I understand that you hate me, I’m just the worst and am absolutely useless and terrible and not fit to be even your friend, much less your partner.”

Victim: “No, wait, that’s not true …”

And on and on. Even if they pepper in “I’m sorry”s in there, it’s never once a genuine apology, because they spend so much time tearing themselves down in an exaggerated fashion that the victim feels like they have to comfort the person who hurt them. Similarly, when Dimitri goes on his speeches about how he’s ~unworthy to be king~ or a monster or whatever, the answer choices given are Byleth comforting him one way or the other. We’re never given an option (beyond telling Felix we won’t talk to Dimitri right after the time skip) to tell Dimitri that he is awful, that he doesn’t deserve to be king, or really to revoke our support in any way at all. And because Byleth is not given that option, the narrative is telling us that the correct “choice” (because there really isn’t one) is to sympathize with and empower Dimitri despite how heinous is behavior is. Because Dimitri was traumatized, poor thing, and thus it’s okay that he brutally murdered all those people for no reason other than his own satisfaction.

(Note: The game never once says “revenge is wrong because it just breeds more revenge.” Even though it seemed like they were going that way with Randolph and Fleche, it’s not Fleche wanting to murder Dimitri that makes Dimitri realize that what he’s been doing is fucked up, it’s Rodrigue dying defending him from Fleche. So even if you wanted to say that Dimitri being blood thirsty and out for revenge was meant to teach him a lesson about how he should behave, it’s not, because that’s not a lesson he ever actually picks up on.)

And that finally ties into what I think you were driving at in your ask (boy, I’ve been at this for a long time), which is the narrative of someone “saving” someone else with their love. By telling the player that they, as Byleth, should excuse and forgive Dimitri for his atrocities because he was traumatized and sad, the narrative (and all the characters in the narrative) are basically pushing Byleth to be Dimitri’s therapist. And as I said in the tags on one of my Azure Moon hate posts (or maybe on twitter, I can’t remember, it all blends together), I am not here for that.

Aside from the fact that both Edelgard and Claude seem to genuinely care for Byleth the whole way through, the other primary difference between them and Dimitri is the fact that Byleth doesn’t have to play therapist for either of them. Claude, for the most part, doesn’t have any major traumas; he did have to grow up being outcasted for being mixed race, and that is its own kind of trauma which I am in NO WAY diminishing, but that trauma he faced was the more realistic type of trauma that people in real life face every day. He is still the most well-adjusted of the three. As for Edelgard, she is in my opinion even more traumatized than Dimitri, but not only is her trauma handled in such a way that it’s never used as an excuse for her behavior (the experiences that traumatized her helped her form the beliefs that spur her actions, but her actions always route back to those beliefs, not to “ghosts made me do it”), but she also pretty much keeps her trauma to herself as best she can and never hinges her emotional stability on Byleth. Yes, Byleth’s presence helps balance Edelgard since Byleth is a secondary confidant and can therefore offer counter-influence to Hubert’s toxic influence (not bashing Hubert here, I’m just saying, he is the WORST influence), but although it’s made clear that Edelgard deeply missed Byleth for the past five years to the point of lamenting about it constantly to the rest of the Black Eagle Strike Force, she also kept her shit together and didn’t wantonly murder people as a result of Byleth’s absence. When she comes to Byleth with issues, they’re usually tactics or strategy related. Byleth is only ever able to learn about Edelgard’s past in late night moments of emotional vulnerability, such as after a nightmare. And even then, Edelgard sharing those moments is less “HEAL MY PAST TRAUMA AND MAKE ME BETTER, PROFESSOR” and more “okay, I trust you enough to tell you this.” It’s not about helping stabilize Edelgard, it’s about earning enough of Edelgard’s trust to learn of her past.

This is in stark contrast to Dimitri, who, again, is completely off his shits, and him being off his shits is treated as a problem that Byleth (/the player) needs to “fix.” Felix tells you to do something about Dimitri. Rodrigue asks you to steer Dimitri in a better direction. Gilbert and Dedue both thank you for “saving” Dimitri even before he finishes being off his shits. The Azure Moon route is about forcing Byleth into the position of therapist and having them do emotional labor for Dimitri, which is hilarious if you think about how Byleth didn’t even start having emotions until teaching at the academy, but also unbelievably aggravating to me, as a player, because I don’t want to be a therapist for a murderous sadboy. I don’t like Dimitri. I don’t approve of his actions or behaviors. And I don’t give a shit what his reasons are for it. I’m not here to be his therapist or do that emotional labor, and I shouldn’t have to be. No one should have to be, except a paid therapist, and only because they’re being paid and have agreed to take on the job. But even then, Dimitri is still his own responsiblity. He is a grown fucking man. It shouldn’t be my or anyone else’s job to do this for him. Neither Edelgard or Claude (or Yuri, for that matter, in Cindered Shadows) required this much emotional labor and bullshit, for fucksake.

But of course, in all of this, I think what gets me more than anything present in the entire game is the fact how, from what I’ve seen, people in fandom by and large worship Dimitri and bend themselves into pretzels painting him as heroic while simultaneously spitting bile at Edelgard and making her out to be a villain. The contrast in their respective pages on TV Tropes is stark. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, given that Edelgard is a woman (and a queer woman, at that) and Dimitri is a blond white boy, and that’s just the way these things tend to be, but it still pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Fandoms are simultaneously the best and worst of times and this will likely never change. (But honestly, if Edelgard’s role was filled by the blond white pretty boy while Dimitri’s was filled by the woman, I guarantee you that reception to them would be flipped right around. Guarantee.)

Anyway, this turned into a huge rant. I didn’t even expect it to be this long when I started writing. But suffice to say that while I’ve not yet finished Azure Moon, it’s currently my least favorite of the routes I’ve played (best is Crimson Flower, then Cindered Shadows because shut up I’m counting it, then Verdant Wind, and then Azure Moon; I’m ignoring the existence of Silver Snow since I cannot imagine ever not siding with Edelgard when I’ve chosen the Black Eagles), and I cannot stand Didi. He is the worst of the House Leaders by far. Considering how much he has in common with Rhea, it shouldn’t be surprising I feel this way about him, but boy, do I feel this way about him. So go ahead and feel validated, anon. You will not find Didi or Azure Moon love on this blog. You are not alone in this, trust.

#this got so long wow #but i mean every word #fucking hate azure moon and cannot stand Dimitri #this is a Didi Alexandre hate blog #(well not really since dedicating a blog to hatred for a fictional character is stupid but)#(you know what I mean)#also it really is fucked up how Didi's trauma over the Tragedy at Duscur is highlighted so much #and he's treated as being so tragic because of it #but Dedue watching his people be genocided and then being discriminated against for his race #is like . . . completely glossed over #and he's OKAY with it and encourages The Whites not to interact with him lest their rep be tarnished #and also is okay with it bc of White Savior Didi #g o d #fucking nasty #worst route #(again not counting Silver Snow in rankings bc I won't play it bc what is the point)#(how could anyone side with Rhea over Edelgard)#(that route doesn't exist tyvm)#anyway #rant over now i promise #fire emblem: three houses #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #Anonymous #meta

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grethan-allmance · 6 years ago

Text

Thoughts, again.

Time for thoughts! Lol I haven't done this in a while. I wonder if people actually cares? Probably not, but hopefully it's a fun read for you that reads this anyway.

So. Ethma is dying. Grethan is thriving. And I am the happiest I've ever been, as a fan.

Now, I think I once have said how I don't really mind it as a ship, I didn't think it was any of my business who they actually date, and honestly as a grethan fan I'd rather they never date anyone, ever. Which is, obviously, very unrealistic and pretty much just wishful thinking. If they ever found that someone, someday, then good for them. I'd like to think I'll be happy for them when the time comes.

I'd still rather have them together, just them. But that's just me.

So anyway, it's been late, but I've been reading all of this post about exposing fake ethma and all those things. Now, I honestly kinda agree on a lot of them. They might've started as a business relationship. But, then again I had to think back, were they really all that convoluted?

Now, the whole beginning of the sister squad could be because of business. It most likely was, tbh. They had a collab with James before, and he was pretty iconic, so it might've begun with only the three of them. But, to make them even more iconic, they maybe feel the need to add another person, a girl this time. After all, they have James already, so they picked someone who was a fan of the twins and have good relationship with the beauty community, someone that James like too, and preferably around their age range. Emma was a perfect candidate.

I didn't think they started the whole squad thing to promote ethma. I think they wanted to do something like the vlog squad thing and team 10. I think they had hoped to maybe become actual friends, even though it began for business. Youtube is pretty much their life, so whatever friends they make or meet is gonna be from the same circle. I think halfway, they thought they did.

But, the thing is, unlike their group of friends once upon a time before, who usually consisted of all straight guys, this time there's an openly gay man with obvious preference over Grayson and a girl that have said before she preferred Ethan. Shipping is inevitable. Whether or not this was something they predicted was irrelevant. Honestly, if they know social media at all, they probably did.

Now, I have huge bias for the twins, so take everything I'm writing with a grain of salt, okay.

Back to the ethma stuff. I think it began because fans ship it. So much they were seeing too deep into it. Jayson didn't get as much spotlight, probably because there was literally nothing anyone could look into. Every seemingly gesture came from James, who never hid his crush for Gray. And Gray usually humoured him, but only as a nice, friendly person who is very secure in his masculinity does. Ethma however, was milked pretty much every time they collab or together.

Hell, it was milked so much I'm not surprised if it became real at one point. I don't think it was 'real' real, but more like, some wooing probably happened. There might be some interest. Maybe a discussion happened. Like, trying it out, probably. They're gonna be together a lot, anyway. Besides, they were also milking the ethma thing, so why not use it? If it does become real, they'll benefit from it. Though, I think the whole milking out ethma thing was a discussion that only happens between ethan and emma. James didn't seem to have anything to do with it. Grayson probably didn't like manipulating their fans like that, or doing something like that for views, but it was Ethan's decision so he had to play along with the whole thing. Though I think they probably argued about it off screen.

Okay, now, this is mostly fanfic territory, but when I saw the earliest vid of sister squad (I think it was the mukbang one?) I thought Emma had chemistry with Gray. Like, I thought if there was going to be a ship, it would be Gray with Emma. I think it was because Gray seemed to care more about what she had to say than Ethan did, at least in the beginning of the vid. It seemed so anyway. It's been a while since I watched that vid, so maybe I remember wrong.

Anyway, it got me thinking. And like I said, I'm making up stories here. Like, what if it was supposed to be Gray? She was supposed to be paired up with Gray. Not only it would disperse all the gay rumour about him, they'll also get clout. James and E can be the regular friends that can get sassy and sarcastic with each other. Besides, it kinda fit with how they said they began, with E contacting James and Gray contacting Emma (if this is wrong, I'm sorry, it's really been a while since I last watched sister squad 'kay)

Unfortunately, Gray is worse at faking stuff than Ethan, especially for something prolonged like that. Also, also, Ethan didn't like it.

(I did warn you I'm getting into fanfic territory lol)

He already didn't like how touchy James was with Gray. And, knowing Gray, even if it was supposed to be fake Gray probably would make it real, because he was a genuine person like that. And Ethan didn't want that. So, he got closer the emma, be nice to her and shit, until the ethma thing blew up on its own. Afterwards, it just made sense to keep pairing like that.

If they did date for real along the way, I don't think there was enough time for them to get deep. I really think they were more on the stage of trying things out, see where it goes. They just like each other. They didn't love each other. Still, if they did date, there were still expectations on being girlfriend and boyfriend. They were supposed to be each other's priority and all. Which could make sense why grethan seemed to lose its footing at this time. Though I doubt anyone was actually happy about this. Grayson certainly wasn't. Ethan, I'm not sure, but he probably wasn't too, but he get to feel like a good boyfriend to distract himself, so maybe there was that. Emma, if she was happy in that situation, then.... Fine, whatever.

Anyway, that was my thought. Whatever happened there with ethma or the sister squad, I hope they were all doing good and all. Hopefully there won't ever be a revival of ethma. It doesn't seem so, so far. Emma seemed to move on to other, bigger things. Which is whatever.

I care more about that almost kiss on that most recent vid. And Grayson doing Zumba *sigh*..... He so adorable. And E with his highlights! Lol. His face was so soft when Gray was touching it. Like, okay, he acknowledged he looked ridiculous, but it made Grayson so happy and laughing so much. And he also randomly told the hairdresser that did his hair that he has a brother that will love it. And Grayson did love it. He couldn't stop laughing or smiling or looking away from Ethan's hair whenever it came into view.

*long sigh*

I'm so happy 😭😭

#dolan twins #grayson dolan #ethan dolan #grethan #thoughts #random thoughts #my thoughts

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