#i feel like any and all nuance is lost on my brothers - i *still* don't think they understood the dreamers' prophecy correctly

[officiallycake-blog]

Am I an unreasonable and self-centered pc? Or are my brothers argumentative for no good reason?

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Did I ever tell yall about my mother's habit of sitting me down once a month to have a Serious Developmentally Appropriate and Relevant Conversation? They started when I was about 5, and continued until I was 17 (with some inconsistencies when the two of us were on the outs), and we talked about SO many things. We had the same conversations multiple times at different levels of depth, complexity, and nuance too, which was a really cool way for me to learn what it feels like for knowledge to be inherently cumulative in nature. I feel like that's part of what has made me as curious, as prone towards positive change over time, and as analytical as I typically am.

Anyway, these conversations were all about important life issues. Body health, drugs, sex, relationship dynamics and boundaries, the different ways people harm other people and what it could look like to react to that, racism, gender, war, death, sexuality, capitalism, surbival resource obtainment, sexism, ablism (although I don't know my mother called it this at the time), etc. My mom's general approach to "risky" information with me was essentially "you're going to find out eventually, whether I try to intervene in that or not. I'd rather your first awareness of these things come from me so it's easier for you to recognize when someone is selling you a load of bullshit." My mom and I have a lot of very different ideas of what it should look like to be a parent, but this was absolutely something I think she did right. She was frank and open, she never made me feel like a question or tooic or even certain words were dangerous or "wrong", and she was careful to scale her approach to the conversation in relation to my own emotional and psychological development. I still actually remember a lot of these conversations, tho of course some stand out better than others.

It took a while of me percolating on our conversation about war and intercommunal conflict before I asked her why people fight in wars if they're so awful for everyone involved. She explained a few different reasons, and things that might draw a person to this one or that one, while acknowledging opposing logic where she could.

Then she describes to me the draft. The act of a political entity compelling its own people to put their lives in harm's way for political interests or assets. She explained different ways the draft might work, and different kinds of people who might or might not get drafted. And then, she says,

"Not everyone obeys when they're called up." She watched me very carefully whenever she was using my reactions to gauge her next words. "In fact, several people in our family have refused to be drafted. Some because of their beliefs, some because of their circumstances. A lot of people do. It's called draft dodging."

See, my grandma was born in 1931. She spent most of her and her brothers' childhoods growing up in the place where her father's family had lived since about the 1500s, up in the Virginia Appalachians. But then Pearl Harbor was bombed, the USA joined world war 2, and a draft came up. It'd been calling up so many of the local men who simply. Did not come home. My grandma's parents knew that the family absolutely would not be okay without her father for any significant length of time, let alone forever. Her mother, Josephine, was visibly brown skinned and a first generation orphan immigrant who had already raised her own siblings by the time they'd eloped at 17. It wasn't that she wasn't capable, it was that she didn't have the bandwidth for any new traumas. They didn't trust that she could hold herself together for their kids and her siblings if she lost the one person who made her feel safe. (Ultimately her husband did die young, several decades before Josephine, but after all the children were grown and married. As expected, she did not take it well, and lived with my uncle for the rest of her life grieving)

So when his number came up, he dodged the draft. Sold everything the family had, packed them all into the car, and fled the state. (Apparently a Canadian radio jockey bought the family land back in the 90s and was incredibly frustrated that he couldn't convince the people in town to start calling it after his name instead of my family name lmao) My family was lucky. They had the resources to do this, and to arrange an exemption when they arrived in their new home. Not everyone manages that. And the alternatives can sometimes be a lot more impactful than "just" blowing up your entire life. Jail time, bodily harm, communal rejection, even death. It depends on your circumstances.

And yet people ALWAYS do it. They dodge the draft, or they go AWOL, or they find SOME way to stay out of the war machine. There will ALWAYS be people who choose and prioritize saving lives and denying a war more cannon fodder.

I think about this a lot when I hear about military, militia, or otherwise militarized organizational violence and human rights abuses. I think about the way humans tend to chafe at being denied their autonomy. How in intense hierarchies, people who are belittled by their higher-ups may often lash out at those they are above when they feel a compulsion to re-exert control. I think about the history of asymmetrical warfare, and what we know about what soldiers tend to do in those environments.

And at the end of the day, I think about how when these things happen, when they KEEP happening. Everyone has the choice to refuse. There have always been people who make that choice, even under the worst of consequences.

So what makes the difference between a person who refuses to supply the state with more power to exert violence with, and the person who complies?

[nym-wibbly]

You think John Winchester beat/abused Dean into suppressing his sexuality? You're great at taking these canons apart on details--- would love to get your take on this.

Dean's inner workings are such a huge field of study! You're very kind, but I think a lot of his nuances are still beyond my grasp of canon. I bet there's tons to pick up on rewatching. I'll have a stab at it though!

I think Dean's father taught him that practical reliance and emotional dependence on anyone or anything but blood family is dangerous. That indulging his private feelings - any feelings - is dangerous. And that doing those things makes him a danger to others, to Sam, to the mission, and therefore would make him into a bad person; that Dean grew up convinced that he can't afford to let himself have - or need - affection, support, connections, community, obligations, or ties outside the hunting life, and only limited access to those luxuries within it.

Dean fell into line with John's rules of the road while Sam pushed back and got himself out for just long enough to see a different way of living life - one I'm sure a younger John Winchester, married to Mary and with their two young sons in the house, would have recognised as worth fighting for and protecting. Sam brings that back with him, and never stops trying to share that wider perspective and personal growth with Dean - never stops offering to listen or be emotionally supportive, even when Dean shuts him down over and over again.

I think Dean learned from his father - from his whole rootless and overburdened childhood - that other people have to be able to depend on him, so he can't afford either to feel weak or to be perceived as weak, for their sake. For survival's sake. The performative mess we find him in come the start of Supernatural is him trying to fit that with his adult experiences and needs. If he's wrestling at all with his sexuality in the middle of all that, I think it's far from being the biggest or most damaging of his issues.

Dean's basically a decent bloke with a good heart, full of love to give, smart, capable, and intrinsically strong, but his self-worth is completely tied up with this need to be a protector, the strong one. His baby brother actually has to spell out to him that, now he's an adult too, Sam can, will, and wants to protect Dean right back. Dean had no inkling that it wasn't a one-way street, which is heartbreaking.

John's white-whale revenge quest taught Dean that life is short, that there's no higher meaning or grand plan. That you don't get what you want, you get the hand you're dealt and have to play it. That it's his role in life to serve, and to die young doing it. He doesn't think he gets to plan a future, and has mixed feelings when Sam tries to do just that by going to college.

I'm not sure Dean's hiding or repressing his sexuality in particular; more that he's not dealing - refusing or unable to deal - with the whole area of intimate relationships that go beyond a fun one night stand. Of emotional and supportive relationships and people's need for those, period.

Dean looks at the comfort and support system available to other people with their lovers and spouses, and doesn't see a Dean-shaped vacancy anywhere, be it with men, women... or angels. Yet he wants it, or something that looks like it. He longs for family and home, and not only because it's something he knows he lost once. He's terrific with children, from the small ones up to the angry teens, so he knows instinctively how to give the kind of support and validation he denies himself - but does he even know that he finds those encounters rewarding? Is he even aware that it's a good thing for those relationships to be mutually rewarding? I'm not sure he lets himself think that way. Maybe it's just an itch he can't quite scratch?

The moment he has the opportunity he goes straight to Lisa and Ben and tries to make it work with that ready-made family. He remembers just enough of the time before his mother's murder to feel a pull towards 'traditional' family life, but it's like he's living a fairytale. He's waiting for the big bad wolf the whole time, waiting to flip back to high alert protector mode. Once the monsters touch his little family and shatter the bubble, he can't sustain the relationship. Lisa gives him every chance to have it on his own terms, but Dean can't do it.

My take is that Dean suppresses anything and everything that might give him comfort, peace, softness, or what others (including his father in vengeance mode) could perceive as outward signs of weakness. Talking about his feelings, about things he can't have, dwelling on and processing his feelings - that's what John taught Dean that weakness looks like. That unaffordable luxury of weakness. You get up, wash off the blood, keep your weapons in good order, and keep fighting until you can no longer fight. Dean denies himself anything that could be used against him or Sam, and for the longest time he thinks that's a good thing. Later in the series, he's learned enough to know that this kind of strength is brittle at best, and to be afraid of the consequences of stress-testing it too hard.

I think Dean doesn't even bother digging into what he wants and needs from a lasting partner. Into his feelings and sexuality, his ideas about couples, about hearth and home. It's not just that he's terrified of losing it if he has it: he's sure he'll lose it if he ever has it, because he's sure he doesn't deserve it.

I reckon Dean stopped exploring himself at a very young age, and learned to ignore his own needs and feelings beyond the limited avenues that got a nod and a wink from John Winchester. Being good at hunting. Taking care of Sam. Drinking. Driving. Polishing the roleplay and the hustle to stay under the radar. Taking care of Sam some more. Shut down everything else tight and keep a lid on it. Grab gratification where you can but don't ever try to keep hold of it or set down roots.

Dean lives in maintenance mode. Other than his brief idyll with Lisa and Ben, there's never a time when Dean doesn't feel he has to stay in that state of toughened battle-readiness. The only reason he's able to get close to Castiel over the long term is that Cas can join him in the fight, is willing to take Dean as-is without needing him to unbend, and can tough things out just as hard as Dean can.

I don't think John necessarily needed to pile on physical or targeted psychological abuse to shape Dean this way and make him equate processing and personal exploration with weakness. Just making the adult-responsibility demands he did of a child, and exposing him to the monsters and the killing and the awareness of how precarious life is, would've been plenty. I get the sense that if John had ever posed a danger to Sam through violence or drunken carelessness, Dean would've killed him. (For the first few episodes, I sorta thought he sekritly had!)

(Ask me again when I've rewatched Supernatural and my answer might be completely different!)

[hearthouses]

happy wincest wednesday!! what do you think would happen if jess found out?

This is highly dependent on when she finds out and how she finds out, in my opinion.

Personally, I struggle a lot with fics where Jess is immediately okay with it and even kinks on incest because it often feels like an easy way to avoid conflict and drama. In an effort to sketch out her character, it feels more like she's positioned as a "cool girl" plot device who is down for anything rather than a fully formed, real person with feelings that can be hurt. So for a situation where Jess eventually becomes okay with it, I imagine it would take a lot of work and development to get there.

My primary thought would be an AU where Jess lives, but in the process is injured and traumatized, and feeling deeply hurt and betrayed by Sam who she discovers has been lying and ommiting truths, leaving her vulnerable. If she chooses to go with them, it would need to be for herself and her own peace of mind, but in the process, she would be getting to know Sam as he is and not as he presented himself, all his dark parts and secrets, and not knowing if she can love this Sam when she fell in love with an illusion. In this AU, I imagine she becomes closer to Dean by default of there being no history, Dean is a clean slate, Dean hasn't lied to her and made her believe he was someone he wasn't. A writer would have to develop Dean and Jess as a separate relationship and dynamic, then have Jess open up to Sam again.

As for her finding out about Sam and Dean in this scenario, I think depending how everything unfolds and develops is what would make or break it. I don't think Jess is in a position to immediately accept it because I imagine she's lived a fairly regular life, and while I think people are cool with things in fiction, it's another thing entirely to have it shoved in your face in reality. I imagine in the best case scenario, with development, it's still a shock to her system and she would have to reconcile everything else that has happened, on top of finding out the man she was going to possibly marry is in love with his brother. So I waver on if she can fully commit and be all in, or not, which I don't blame her at all for and would rather a more realistic and messy possible break up, over a situation that rings hollow and false.

As for finding out during the canon Stanford timeline, I can't imagine any other scenario than her assuming Dean had sexually abused Sam. This would be figuring something happened when Sam was underage, and that Dean being older and his caregiver meant he took advantage. I think she would loathe Dean in this scenario and attempt to help Sam with trying to get him therapy or give him books or find groups he can attend, all while Sam continues to insist it was never like that and wholeheartedly defending Dean. I imagine she would be cold to Dean when he shows up in the pilot and unable to figure out why Sam would want to go off with him.

I also like scenarios where Sam confesses half-truths, like he was younger when he lost his virginity to somone older and Jess using context clues and coming to the worst conclusions. In these scenarios, Jess means well and is trying to help Sam because she loves him and she's never going to be able to wrap her mind around in what world any of this would be okay, or even understandable. She doesn't have the same frame of reference or experience. I personally would love to see more fics that explore the complexities and nuances of what it would be like to be Jess and having to come to terms with all this information, as well as fics that don't necessarily end in a happy poly Sam/Dean/Jess situation, but rather Jess realizing the best thing for her would be to walk away.

[rifki16]

Tadaima, Okaeri Episode 5 Review

Photo Source: Tadaima, Okaeri Twitter Promotional Twitter Account

A very yummy salmon sashimi that left me feeling weird

I have to confess something yall. I freaked out on Twitter. After the cold open, when Matsuo was at the Fujiyoshi's, I really thought that Matsuo had actually got engaged or married to Yuki. Like, damn bro, I need to see Matsuo and Yuki dating! They looked so perfect and comfortable together ^^

HOWEVER, as I watched the opening scene again, it turned out that the ring that Matsuo had resided on his middle finger NOT the ring finger haha, Gomen nasai to all my Twitter followers or who read that tweet of mine.

I really don't know what it is with Matsuo and his obsession in teasing Hikari about being an older brother. I mean, the interaction about being the older brother started out fine. Then, Matsuo told Hi-chan about all the responsibilities of being the older brother. He could have just said that it was fun yet you just needed to adjust how you behave in order to teach your younger siblings about the world. Matsuo is something else haha

I was so sad when Hi-chan got a mild fever :(. I'm so glad that Hi-chan and Hina-chan have two dads and they agreed to divide up the attention so none felt like they were abandoned. When Ma-chan told Hi-kun that he had done enough, I cried so hard yall. I really don't know that parents could do that.

You know, loving without harming self-growth, providing space emotionally to grow.

When Matsuo was on a call with Ma-chan, Matsuo needed to apologise because he didn't think that his teasing could have made Hi-chan catch a mild fever, I really wanted to tell Yuki to just discipline his man lol.

Okay, I really need to type carefully about the next subtopic as it's something that needs very thorough research and nuanced perspectives, yet I have time to do neither and I really want to just put it out there. Treatment of Women in the Male-dominated Space within Omegasphere

First of all, I was quite pissed off that Hinata didn't get her own banner. I don't know why yet, it could be that maybe Hinata was just born, and her name was also just recently given - as indicated by the fact that when Fujiyoshi-san was on a call with Hiromu, Fujiyoshi-san still asked Hiromu about Hinata's name. It could be that maybe only firstborns were allowed to have a banner like that. It could also be that Fujiyoshi-san was just reinforcing the old tradition and that he didn't really want to put up the banner with Hinata's name.

Secondly, does any of you remember the scene in Modern Family, when Cam was given breakfast on bed by Mitchell? Cam was hysterical because Mitchell made it seem that Cam was the woman in the relationship.

I mean, homosexual relationships are always confronted by this problem, even by those who were supposed to tolerate us; "who's the man in the relationship?" and most of the time they answer said question by inferring from an answer to the question of "who's the top?"

My point is, that these heterosexual normies seem to always insist that we conform to their gender roles in a relationship, even when we are definitely not a heterosexual couple.

The scene of when Hi-chan was wearing the hat and costume which his grandfather bought for him. I really don't get why Ma-chan needed to stay in another room with Hi-chan's grandmother. I mean, as Ma-chan bore Hikari and Hinata, I guess there was no doubt about who the bottom is. But, Ma-chan is still a man and he seems to still identify as one, so why the forced equivalence?

I HAVE TO STRESS THIS ALSO BEING A CALLED A WOMAN IS NOT AN INSULT. I'm not saying that somehow Ma-chan lost his dignity because he got misgendered, or rather treated misgenderedly. I just don't like that Hi-chan's grandparents seem to only see Hi-chan as their grandchildren's baby incubator, and not as a full man who has a womb. It's such a queer erasure to treat Ma-chan as a woman because it means that Fujiyoshi-san really just sees their son marrying a woman, just with different genitalia, instead of seeing and accepting that their son is in a loving and thriving homosexual relationship.

Thirdly, now, this is why I call this episode a yummy sashimi that made me felt very uneasy. When Hi-chan's grandmother gave Ma-chan her kimono, I cried uncontrollably. Ma-chan even got shy when Hiromu saw him in one, that really warmed my heart. I understand that the scene was supposed to highlight how Fujiyoshi-san really saw Ma-chan as one of their family members. But again, there's a part of me who wants to protest making a Kimono as a gift, but I really have no cultural perspectives as to whether a Kimono could be worn by a man too or not.

All in all, watch it yall, it was so cute. Hi-chan saying bye-bye was EVERYTHING

[demigod-of-the-agni]

I'm indulging you. Tell me about one character you hate and what you would do to change them into something better.

the flood gates have OPENED

the winner of worst character ever is Jun Wong

Most people on this round rock don't know her, or flat out refuse to get to know her, but that's okay. It gives me more reason to really tear into why Jun Wong as a character, as vehicle for a narrative's ideals, sucks.

Simplest terms: She's from the HTTYD spin-off show Dragons: The Nine Realms, is one of the main characters and is the main love interest of the protagonist. The thing is, she is terrible at everything she does. She infuriates me. It's like she is personally setting me on fire and throwing me into an abyss of hate. I just can't /stand/ this girl (read on to find out why).

It's not so much that I Hate her, it's just that she has so much potential but is casually written off as the "love interest" or the "quirky girl" with no defining traits aside from physical ones (like- okay, purple eyes? She's not even wearing contacts, it's clearly genetic because her brother also has purple eyes, and...East Asians don't typically have purple eyes?? it just looks unnatural on her, but I digress)

Back to the "casually written off" point - the studio themselves, Dreamworks, doesn't care for Jun or her character or her arcs. They don't care for her attributes or what she contributes to the entirety of Nine Realms series, aside from being a cheap Astrid Hofferson knock-off.

It's also ESPECIALLY clear that the show does not delve into her heritage very well, or when they do it's all very standard stuff (if not heavily based on racial stereotypes): "intergenerational trauma!" "tiger parenting!" "wanting to do her own thing!" I appreciate the idea, it's just that the execution of it is god-awful and terrible. The Jun-centric episodes that focus on these issues have little to no impact on her character. They're quite literally one-and-done episodes. They're not even filler episodes - if you take all her episodes out, nothing in the plot would have changed, nothing in her character progression would have changed. She still whines and complains and is still the same person she was when she was first introduced.

Fortunately for us, Jun is not a lost cause. Her character can be salvaged and be made so much better!

What I think should be done in order to improve Jun's character is to first change her character design. Let me tell you: seeing her final design in the show when the very first trailer came out made me feel weird (purple eyes bruv). But seeing her initial designs made me want to bawl my eyes out.

(IDs are in each image)

Literally look at her design. She looks so cool here. She honestly looks so much more nicer to look at than what we get in the show (doesn't help that the animation is so stilted). These designs have so much PERSONALITY in them whereas Jun's design in the show is... uh........

bruh i don't even know lol. it's just not a good look for her. I really wished they went with one of the other concept designs. Maybe not the ones with the dyed hair because it Will play into the Rebellion Asian Girl stereotype (since the show can't handle nuance if it was handed to them on a plate alongside a note with detailed instructions) but any of the other hairstyles and outfits would have 1000% translated better. The final design screams Basic Girl With A Purple Colour Palette and god I'm so bored of it. nothing about it is interesting. With the other characters there are other things that draw my eye to them, or make my attention last a little longer on them when they are the focus of a shot, but Jun? Jun's design is so plain. It's like slapping a slice of cheese on a really smooth ass and seeing it slide right off. No I am not ashamed to use that comparison because that is what I feel all the time when I look at Jun. Get a boring design, get bored reactions (and unhinged comparisons).

But honestly, the truly best way to really elevate her character is to, you know, do more research on her heritage and her background. East Asian cultures are RIPE with a variety of stories to tell - tying her connection to dragons via her love for stories (and consequently stories being her only connection to her distant father) is such an interesting facet of her already-established character to me!! Why not continue exploring that?? HTTYD has always been about family and friendships, so why not focus on what's Not present in her life: her father? He's still alive, mind you, but for reasons unknown has distanced himself from Jun, and Jun still desperately craves for him through her love for mythology - why???? what did they do together??? Why should I care about Jun's love of myths and the world beyond mortal comprehension??? Contrary to popular belief, this information MATTERS!!

(Also we need to do More Research in general. The Tarot Card Incident in S1 will never not get on my nerves because GOD you couldn't have picked a more easier thing to research!! You could become experts within days!! And yet you still got it wrong!!! And EYE am not even a Tarot card expert!!! The Tarot cards are literally never brought up again after the first five episodes of the show, so there goes another facet of Jun's character down the drain.)

Additionally Jun needs to be given authority over her own character progression. So far it's always been A Person Is Opposing Me And I Have To Overcome That. They Don't Like Me So I'm Gonna Make Them. She's constantly being taken advantage of in her own episodes (S6E3), and it becomes more of race to the viewers on whether or not she can actually pick up borderline manipulative behaviours. (That whole episode was. uh. red flag after red flag. I hated that episode.) It is a disservice to the character to constantly place them back at square one after every victory, and I become more frustrated for Jun than by her actions. Maybe it's because it is set in stone for her to be the Astrid to the protagonist's Hiccup; they damage her authority and independence to benefit the status of the hero (who is most absolutely a fuckwad, but we can talk about him another time).

There's also an annoying inconsistency in how Jun's quality as "mystic nerd/quirky girl/smart one" manifests in the show. Like, it's so obvious that she's capable of critical thinking and using her prefrontal cortex and making unique connections with the world around her she couldn't be anymore neurodivergent if she tried; I'm more inclined to believe that she can pick up a variety of skills in a matter of minutes just because she wants to. She is Actually Smart sometimes, but the show itself disregards this and dumbs her down and gets her into stupid situations (like the aforementioned Red Flag episode). And I honestly don't know why (racism. god forbid having a woman of colour make her own decisions). If you want to have her be the Quirky Girl, let her be Consistently Quirky. I want a Quirky Girl who knows what she's talking about and refuses to be bogged down by other people. Let her be Silly please.

So. yeah. I'm more annoyed with the fact that Jun Wong has a TONNE of potential as a character but literally with every chance she gets to shine said chance is flushed down the toilet and spat out into a tar pit.

We could have had a complex character who turned to stories and myths both as a way for her to escape the expectations of her overly-demanding mother, and to connect with her absent father.

We could have had a complex character who overcomes her beliefs about herself, challenges the beliefs of the world around her, and wants to make a name for herself

We could have had a complex character who has more recognisable traits that speak to her personality and compliment the interactions she has with the cast

Make her neurodivergent this is the only fuckin way

We could have had a complex character who beautifully represents the intricacies of East Asian cultures, as well as a character whom people of Asian descent can look up to

But alas, these are things considered by people who care about the characters they create. Jun Wong is another victim of studios who "tick the Diversity checkbox and refuse to develop her character further and let her be a multi-faceted vehicle of ideals for the narrative"

also obligatory announcement:

Alex Gonzales is best girl. the only good character in this dumpster fire of a show

[xxmothangelxx]

Shady Rambles Dislyte Part 2

So about Tang Mei, if you don't know who she is let me give you a quick rundown before I continue:

Tang Mei was who Tang Xuan currently is, she was Tang Yun's twin and patroned by Sun Wukong — she was changed into Tang Xuan after Dislyte received complaints about having a female character represent Sun Wukong. I won't speak too much on it, mostly bc I'm not Chinese, but what I will say is it's kind of a moot point imo in a game where Nezha patrons a grown man and Nut patrons a teenage high school girl but I digress.

Omg congrats on the transition Xuan

But all jokes aside, I feel she could somehow still work in Dislyte, and I have a few ideas as to how!

The first is obvious, they could canonize Xuan being trans, not only would that do good for them PR wise, but who doesn't love some good representation here and there. Though that does mean that Mei would be who Xuan once was instead of her own distinct character, and ngl I kinda want her to be a thing, but that doesn't mean Xuan can't still be trans... 👀👀👀👀👀

My second idea is have her be a 3rd sibling, she doesn't have to be a triplet or anything, but a Tang regardless. Actually, let me use this as an excuse to share my little idea:

Tang Mei, patroned by Erlang Shen (二郎神), is the older sister to both twins, maybe late 20s-early 30s. Guided by a deity that embodies justice, I don't think she would work for any of the currently established factions or organizations (esper union, shadow decree etc.) instead, I believe she would work as a very, very high-end lawyer.

Here me out; all her life Tang Mei had always been the sort who cared a lot about right and wrong. If her parents set a rule in the home she would never break it, she never got in trouble at school, always got good grades and never skipped a day. She was the type who would report people for breaking rules, and was an all around perfect child. When she became an older sibling she promised herself she would guide them to be the best people they could be. This however meant that she wasn't – and still isn't – typically 'fun'. She follows rules to a T and is completely unbaised in situations, not caring for how people feel or nuance, only caring if something was right or wrong and allowed them to improve as people.

This attitude, which only got stronger as she got older and received her new godly abilities, is what allowed her to excell both as an esper and a lawyer. I imagine she's worked quite closely with Abigail, who has absolutely had to fight quite a few legal battles in her day. The calm and collected lawyer who only ever wears a coy smile is feared by her fellow attorneys, and has only ever lost a single case in her whole tenure. Due to this, she only really defends or prosecutes high-end cases and people – she's basically a celebrity attorney.

As for her relationship with her siblings, it's... complicated. She likes Xuan, and he likes her, but her rigid and incredibly mature attitude makes it so he feels like he has to be a certain way when she's around. Xuan feels like he can't be fully himself around her or she'll chastise him for still acting like a little boy, or question his whole 'super hero' behavior. They're still close, but she intimidates him a whole lot.

Mei's relationship with Yun is gone. As kids it was obvious she preferred him over Xuan ever so slightly, they were both introverts so I imagine the two would have to reel in Xuan when they were younger. Mei's strong sense of right and wrong meant it broke her heart when Yun became a member of the Shadow Decree, who she viewed as a glorified terrorist organization, and her view of the quiet, well behaved boy became that of a good-for-nothing delinquent, one that needed to be taken off the streets. Although he was her little brother, and she loved him, Mei was very adamant of bringing him to justice and making him experience the full extent of the law. This of course causes some rift between her and Xuan: whilst Xuan believes Yun is just being led astray and can be brought back to the good side, Mei believes he's just a criminal now, and thus must be treated as such.

When it comes to Mei's relationship with other characters (aside from the aforementioned Abigail) I think Mei would be friendly with Celine and Melanie, frequenting for some drinks and talking with them. She's had a few run ins with Triki, who she cannot stand, and of course has met Xuan's friends Li Ling and Lewis. Due to her strict and not very fun-loving personality, she would get along quite well with Ashley, who she sometimes talks to and visits when she has some free time. Though, Mei doesn't really keep friends, she keeps acquaintances and allies, with her brother being her only true friend.

As an Esper, since we have a legendary Tang and a rare Tang, Mei would be an epic, specifically wind-attuned. I imagine her as a controller, and though I don't have a whole moveset planned, for some reason I feel she would be able to petrify – not sure why though lol.

Im sorry this was just my excuse to show off my Tang Mei OC SMDMDKDKKD

[danisnotmyname]

The Ice Storm (1997)

@eyes-on-display Frenchie reminded me that I should rewatch The Ice Storm for the hundredth time and gosh, how I love love LOVE this film. It's so great and so rich that I still believe whatever things I have to say wouldn't do the film justice.

But I owe it a try. Here we go.

All the actors in this film aren't allowed any space of freedom from the camera, because the masterful Ang Lee has taken away the distance, capturing each nuanced detail with breathless intimacy. So much so that at times viewers might feel uncomfortable watching what's said silently on screen. The silence of this movie, the pauses and gaps, functions as not only a tool to paint a bleak suburban atmosphere, the silence also forces the audience to stay within the realm of the film, to pay close attention to what the performances—or the lack of them—has to convey. And it becomes pretty arduous, sometimes even frustrating to grasp the meaning of the scenes.

Yet, the "meaninglessness", I think, is what The Ice Storm intends to portray. Instead of romanticized obscurity, this film harshly depicts the insignificance of mundane life. I feel that it's the reason every character in this film is discontent and restless, children and adults alike.

We see parallels between kids and adults, and two nuclear families, the Hoods and the Carvers. There's also the contrast between "reality" and comic-book stories narrated by Paul, the older brother in the Woods family who comes home for the holidays. Paul's understanding of The Fantastic Four strings the scenes together and keeps the story at an even pace, though he's like an outsider in the movie. It creates an amazing conflict when the theme of family is only uttered aloud by him, questioning or answering. Paul is unaware that he plays such an important role in the build-and-release of tension, yet, he's part of the body of work, seamless and inescapable, just like one’s relationship with their own family.

Another theme I'm obsessed with is the "restraint" in this film that makes the repressed vibe absolutely flourish. Self-restraints exist as the final straw the characters hold on for dear life, because they're desperately trying to find joy. On one hand they don't want to stand out, because fitting the norms—fulfilling their duties—gives them meaning. On the other hand they want attention and love to break themselves out of their loneliness: they want proof that their inability to accept their status quo is well-justified. They chase what's better and can only choose to believe they've just lost it somewhere. The delicious friction between desire and disappointment is in every unsuccessful sexual advance, or rather, every failed attempt to seek approval from others. So restraint also serves as the failsafe to not misbehave, to avoid gambling away the almost-but-not-quite-affection all the characters hunger after. God knows what would happen if rules got broken, right?

Just a layman spitballing here. By now it's clear I'm not a film major, but I still want to say that this movie is fucking awesome, and it means a lot to me because I don't know how to connect emotionally with myself and other people. The Ice Storm is my spiritual-MLA-handbook and each time I watch it, it feels like a different edition because it's just. So. Layered.

[symptoms-syndrome]

I think people often misjudge how autistic I am because I went through so much training (especially with etiquette specifically) that I have a larger pool of scripts than the average autistic person of my "level" or whatever. I do have moderate level autism and not mild by any means, it just looks milder because of all the training. I'm still extremely lost when I don't have my scripts to follow, which is unfortunate because the scripts I was trained into cover a lot of practical things but not things like making friends or how to react to people caring about me. Like the other day my adoptive grandmother asked my brother and I what we've been up to, and my brother answered first to talk about what he's been doing, and then I felt really lost because the script/rules I have for answering a question like that is to not talk about yourself but instead another person in your company (as in group, not business.) So I really floundered in trying to find something to say even though a lot has happened with me personally (good things even!) And later on I was talking about it and my brother was like "no, when people ask that they are asking specifically about you." But I don't really have scripts for talking about me because talking about myself is self-centered in my brain, outside of very specific contexts (mostly psychiatric.) So I tried to ask him to explain what makes something bragging vs just talking about yourself but I didn't really understand his explanation because it just feels very nuanced and very like. Reading the other person heavy which I really really really struggle with. I have a really hard time knowing if someone is uncomfortable or not interested or whatever and I've sort of just overcompensated for that I think by staying in my really safe zone of letting others talk about themselves and asking questions about them and stuff.

I really really just struggle with reading and connecting with other people outside of specific contexts and scripts and it really sucks and effects me a lot. I want to be friends with my coworkers outside of work (and a lot of them seem to have made friendships with each other outside of work) but I don't know how to initiate that. Same with online stuff honestly. I need people to very clearly outline stuff for me (i.e. I won't really know how to process "we should hang out more!" From a coworker, it'll just sort of be put in the "pleasantries" category, like how when people say "nice to see you, how are you/how have you been" the correct answer is "nice to see you too, I've been well how about you?" Even if that's not true. In order for me to know for sure that someone wants to spend time with me I need something like "hey, do you want to [go see a movie with me/come over for a brunch/etc] [this weekend/specific date/etc] or I'll assume it's just being nice/small talk.) but I really do WANT to do these things. I just don't know when it's appropriate, and I've been told I'm being inappropriate so often for things that I had no idea were inappropriate and could not have possibly guessed were inappropriate that I just stay on the cautious side. Like. I used to just stick my hands into my pants all the way up to double digits because I liked the way my waistband felt and didn't even consider that was inappropriate until it sort of just got trained out of me.

I think it also adds to all this that when given these scripts I have, I was often given specific, logical reasons and rules. Using the earlier example, talking about yourself is not good because it's self centered, and people don't want to just hear someone talk about themselves. Makes sense, I don't like when people just talk about themselves either. But apparently that rule is not entirely correct. My brother sorta tried to edit it to be "talking about yourself excessively is not good," but that has that subjective "excessively" which I don't know how to define. Or "talking about yourself is okay if the other person wants to hear it" is not helpful at all because I can never tell if the other person wants to hear it even if these things are obvious to a neurotypical or even just less autistic person.

It's just really really hard to be like this. I don't want to be. I wish I could understand things like other people do. Sometimes I feel like all my interactions are like those AI generated writings, just a collection of approximates that look enough like regular writing if it's small and simple. In a way I sort of am like an AI. Just sort of calculating the best way to act instead of just doing things. I need really clear and specific rules and logic in order to do things. I feel like I'm just pretending to be human.

[2n2n]

well here's ch. 97 chat, unhinged and unorganized

Amusingly I've said so crudely to Bird before "I'm sure Teru's like, blasted someone's little casper the friendly ghost friend while children sob and beg him to stop" gfdlg;dfkg I can't believe it would get drawn so directly, I love it though....! isn't this what so many kaii are... just some children's funny little guy..... I love it.... this miserable world....!

Ah the funniest part of the new chapter is Teru trying to be the noble cuck asserting "ah, you want to do this cuz of yashiro and no. 7 (:" *trying to keep my... expectations and understanding of your motivations realistic, grounded... I am of course in the corner of your mind only, graciously, my sweet Kou*..... he tries to be humble boy, he knows there is a discrepancy between his obsession with Kou/Tiara and Kou's life being filled with other things (Kou is not deprived class, it is Teru who is isolated and lazer-focused!) but Kou parlaying back that he does like Teru, too…. giving this brocon a crumb, hehe. Teru really feels like he can't begin to ask for more than the barest of scraps…. this chapter has the most endearing Teru, really feeling for this poor animal, lol. I feel for how he can't impose himself upon Kou at all, how *dog with tail between legs* it is to ask for more....

I like Teru 'giving in' to involving Kou, I can really feel him having lost some battle of will, the desire to do his noble sacrificial duty endlessly without asking anything of anyone else… I like his attachment to Kou and Tiara and his desperation to receive their attention. Very pathetic little creature. I enjoy how little of the weight of it Kou perceives, and even Teru admitting to it doesn't have nearly the impact for Kou as it does for Teru. This is really Teru admitting to being a cold lizard person without concern for anybody but his loved ones, devoid of motivation or purpose or interest…. the AIDAIRO STAPLE!!! It's just like Hanako and Akane. It's simple a fashion of romance.

Kou seems to put everything he ever hears through a kind of 'normify it' filter, I don't know how else to put it… one can try to be so emotionally nuanced and vulnerable, admit to deeper emotional crimes below the surface, and he just won't engage with it. Its like he distills it. I think he 'expects' Teru to be a 'normal' person still, he has this… base idea of 'normal' and, I don't think Kou can yet grasp how far from that Teru is…. the facade is just so grossly effective on Kou. I think if Hanako heard this speech, he'd understand a dozen more layers to it, and understand what a grave and severe concession it is for Teru, and how lowly it is to finally seek crumbs, ask for company, share the burden he's BEEN shouldering alone. Whats the matter, being dutiful eternally not working for you? Thats funny, I'm 50 years in to my eternal toil but, whatever lol, it's cute you can't really do anything with resolution …… WEAKER BROCON. (and your little brother is much less precious than mine). Hanako really is the 'biggest dog' in terms of commitment and fortitude, I understand why he looks down on Kou and Mitsuba respectively in Picture Perfect. I think he'd roll his eyes at this Teru, too…… pussyyyyyy lol.

Teru being so weak to even Kou just calling him like, names or something is like, sooo funny compared against Amane who was likely being tied up and flung around the room by Tsukasa, bruised and battered daily and forgiving it again and again with a smile…. there is a reason our title character is Hanako, he is such the ultimate version of every virtue Iro writes. WHATS THE MATTER, WON'T SUFFER FOR YOUR BELOVED? DON'T WANT THEM TO BE ~MEAN TO YOU? NEED TO ALWAYS BE BEST FRIENDS AND SOFT? ohhh pansy lol stupid Minamoto…

big baby.....! Cute.

But isn't it funny to immediately go outside and see Mitsuba…. why do you always forget about any of this? How could learning to fire your musket at Hanako in case of emergency really be more forefront of your mind, than the person you're trying to SAVE, why do you think about exorcising before you think about rescue, as mental priority … always we just talk about smushing kaii so…. compulsively, with Kou. It's just some childhood dream he doesn't know how to let go of, even after so many exceptions. I get that he was drilled with propaganda, I just don't have to respect it. It's like his brain is weak and spongey and can't think for itself even this far in. You will STILL just grab your musket and be all rowdy ready to bangbang play cops and robbers for your cool brother. DUMB idiot. You deserve to have the emotional drop that is seeing MITSUBA, THE TRAGIC FIGURE. Don't you ever experience euphoria of being an exorcist ever again, your job SUCKS, this job is AWFUL. This isn't SPECIAL. Just a miserable job, one your bloodline can't escape. Your brother is as good as a slave here and you're itching to be enslaved too. WRONG response, wish you were trying to EXTRICATE Teru. Not JOIN him. You're going BACKWARDS!!!

I'm always pretty sad when Mitsuba is the one seeking out Kou first… he always is, he's the instigator between the two of them. So comical, isn't it? Other things always come first, for Kou… feel like Mitsuba is constantly left on read. Its like Kou's last message will be a declaration and then Mitsuba is still the one texting him first next week, just left staring at that chat window.

I dunno, I'm hoping Mitsuba ate Hakubo or something so awful LOL. This would be funny. I'm with Bird and hoping Tsukasa has fucked enough of the system up that we can exit the school. Even if not now I wish for eventually Hanako reading Nene's diary on her bed kicking his legs around. Wow what a little poet.... ♥

[britneyshakespeare]

re: my last post rambling about my siblings: i also realize of course that not everyone who has siblings has as good a relationship to them as i do, and that can be for any number of reasons, can have any number of resolutions, including just begrudgingly accepting that your sibling(s) are never gonna be the closest people in your life. i talked about how the bond i have with mine is akin to a commitment, because all of us prioritize each other, but i don't mean to make it sound idyllic or like it should be the universal standard. i am lucky but i am not naive. not everyone gets the siblings they would most wish to have, or some people just aren't that close to them and i don't particularly have a blanket judgment to make of that in all cases. however...

that guy i made a bunch of personal posts over the summer about because he was an emotionally abusive friend that i had to cut off, who asserted way too much control over my life, who was guilt-tripping and manipulative and sought to silence me etc etc etc he really was just never very accepting of me for who i was, never expressed interest in anything about me that didn't have to do with him, etc etc etc just that JERK guy who i still have nightmares about a few times a month. it took me a long time to accept that he wasn't just "depressed" and "anxious" but that he was actively using people; he wasn't accepting of harmony but always wanted control over others and their narratives, etc etc etc. there were certain sides of him i didn't see much because i got to know him in a rather isolated way. we had mutual contacts but i never worked with him or had a class with him or really even met him a few times before he started spilling his heart and soul to me privately and said i'm his best friend and i'm the only one who understands and supports him and basically pressured me to make him my project 24/7 and was incredibly disrespectful towards me whenever i asserted my own independence from him or just. wanted to see someone other than him or even just wanted to be by MYSELF. jesus. what a nightmare that guy was. IS, because i know he can't have changed and he probably never will.

THAT guy has a sibling. he has a little brother four years younger than him, and that guy was about two years younger than me. so his brother turned 18 this year. he graduated from high school. his brother is YOUNG, all things considered. and as much as he would constantly pour his heart out and gripe about every person he ever came into contact with (and as much as i now distrust a lot of the information he told me because i know he'll only ever say flattering things about himself and never speak forgivingly or with any nuance towards someone he labels now as "bad", including me)... the only time that i didn't really know how to listen with as open a heart was when he would start talking about how awful his little brother is. i'd be like, ok, so you had terrible friends in high school. all the people in your classes are shitty to you. this person has done you wrong and this person is awful and your parents and your family suck and this and that and this. no one has ever been good to you in your entire life except me? ok.

the ONLY time i was like "i don't know if i can take this at face value, i think you're being too harsh..." is when he would talk about his little brother. because i was like, well, from everything you're telling me, his problems sound like something he can very well grow out of. he'd be like oh he's PRETENTIOUS. lol ok. he's a senior in high school, of course he sometimes acts like he knows everything. why do you act like he's a lost cause? i could also tell that there must've been some personal jealousy in there bc his brother was kind of the "more accomplished" sibling, did better in school, that sort of thing. i don't know what it's like to be an older sibling or to feel like you're living in the shadow of a sibling, especially a younger one, because i've always kind of been on a different path than any of my siblings/there hasn't really been a sense of competition between us. i would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and be like "well i guess i really don't know what that's like" because you CAN'T assume. i give EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt and i try to take people, especially when they're being vulnerable with me, at their word, which is exactly how i got so involved with this guy and ended up being so used by him and under his thumb. horrible. he's a monster. anyway.

and whenever i'd be like "well he's just a kid" to every negative thing he'd say about his little brother, that's when he'd dismiss the subject and stop talking about it. and this isn't something that came up a couple of times but came up a LOT. he'd shit talk his brother to me at least several times a week, always unprompted, because why would i wanna hear someone badmouth a teenager? and it'd always be the pettiest shit. one time he even told me that he noticed his brother didn't come home last night and he didn't know where he was and i was like "oh my god is he ok? that's terrifying" and it's like he did that just so he could tell me "no i don't really care honestly. the two of us aren't close." it's like he wasn't just not-close with this kid but he was obsessed with hating him.

not only did his reasons never seem to satisfy me, but he never seemed to acknowledge that his little brother shared all of the traumas and adverse experiences he grew up with, the discrimination he faced and the familial trauma and the structures of abuse he would tell me about from his parents. he would mention how these are all the problems and the reasons he can't trust people and why he's so fucked up but he didn't seem to have any patience or empathy for someone younger than him brought up in the same exact environment. it's like he wanted his brother to always just fuck off and die.

none of this made any sense to me, it was if anything the BIGGEST sense of confusion i had with him for a long time because i dismissed all the ways he was cruel to *just me* until i started picking up all his patterns and realizing this all WASN'T just how he treats me. HE is the problem; HE is this entitled and controlling and nasty and manipulative towards everyone; HE has no self-awareness or regard for other people. it's not just ME not having the guts to stand up for myself when he made me feel uncomfortable or when i'd feel disrespected by something he said to/about me. he would know when he was saying something unacceptable or losing his temper; he did it with other people all the time. but he isolated and then lovebombed me so hard that i didn't see that this WAS how he treated everyone, but he made me in particular his prey because i was a trusting and trustworthy stranger, rather than someone who had seen him behave in such a way towards other people and could make the informed choice to stay away from him. it was never JUST ME but how could i have known that?? how?? i didnt know anything about his life except what he'd tell me, and he was actively sucking me away from all parts of my life he wasn't involved in, and/or forcing his way into them. there was no space between him and me; my life became his because he hijacked it and then forced me to do all his emotional labor and solve all his problems so i'd hardly have any energy to face my own.

anyway. yeah. it all made MUCH more sense when i realized HE is the problem between him and his brother. that didn't stick out as a red flag because again i'm trusting and i accept all these hypothetically broken or damaged familial relationships people have. HE really wanted me to hate this teenager for no good reason, like he wanted me to hate everyone else in his life that he'd ever decide to cast as a villain. i never understood why the teenage boy. never understood it. i'm like he's just a boy. OH but you're an awful horrible jerk who can't get along with anyone for longer than 2 minutes before you try and take control of everything about them and then lash out if they try to assert their independence. OOOHHH ok i get it now that makes sense. because that's what you've been doing to me all this time ohhh i get it.

[fallenlightsif]

"Can you hear me?" and/or "What was I supposed to do?" for my lovely celestial prince Florian 🥺

Feel free to tear my heart out, dear 😊🥰💞

My imagination's been going absolutely haywire ever since I played the demo and found out MC dies AND comes back. Y'know, as you do. 😂

Thank you for writing such a fascinating story and giving us such a wonderful older brother, I adore him and would not hesitate to die for him–

Good luck with Chapter One and don't forget to take care of yourself!!!💕💕💕💕

"Can you hear me?" and "What was I supposed to do?" for Florian.

(This is a scenario in which Florian and the MC had a less-than-stellar relationship pre-resurrection but Flor had a crush on MC and MC was dating E but is falling for Flor post-resurrection.)

(Their relationship can be very nuanced depending on your choices in-game.)

Also, I'm so glad you enjoyed the prologue! This ask really made my whole week 10x better!

Florian's footsteps were quiet, but the click of his boots still echoed in the near-silent room. He approached you cautiously, and you could feel his hesitance from all the way across the office.

Your office. Your old office, at least.

"You came back." His voice was quiet, the remark less a question and more a statement.

"I did." You sigh, running your fingertips over the hardwood of the desk.

Emil took this office after you were banished. Your heart twists at the thought of him, but you couldn't forgive and forget. Not this time.

Not after all he did, everything he took advantage of. Your eyes meet Florian's again, and he frowns slightly, a concerned pinch between his brows.

His concern is so genuine, so pure. So different than anything you'd experienced before; people who hid behind layers of intrigue and masks so brilliant you never saw their true faces until it was too late.

You'd been unpleasant to him before. You thought he was perhaps foolish, to rebel so needlessly. Too emotional, too attached. He cared too much.

You realize now these are not his faults, but instead his virtues.

"I almost didn't think you would." He gives a nervous smile, lips tilting up ever so slightly.

The words hurt, but you know they aren't unfounded. You'd never been fond of him; why would you leave the opportunities you'd found beyond and return to his side?

You look at his eyes, brilliant and golden, and wondered why indeed. You remember that, even when you dismissed him out of hand, he used to look at you like you hung the moon. He'd gaze at you when he thought you wouldn't notice, but you always did.

Never before had you sought that look from him, but you did now. You are left wondering if you'd ever see it again, wondering if this prince turned king still holds the same affection for you.

A bitter smile twists your lips, "I don't blame you for thinking so."

"Not to say I think you're disloyal." He rushes to say, "You aren't. You never were, and you paid the price for our mistakes. That is why I'm surprised you came back."

"What was I supposed to do?" You shrug, "Leave Ebia? Never return to my home? The prospect is just as gut-wrenching as it was years ago."

He's quiet for a moment, "Emil is still out there. You could go to him."

The words are sour in his mouth, even though he tries to hide it.

Blood roars in your ears for a split second and you close your eyes. Pain and relief are at war in your chest; regret over what you lost so cruelly and relief that Florian still cares enough to be upset.

You open your eyes to his concerned face, and everything snaps back into perspective.

"Can you hear me?" He asks, looking seconds away from snapping his fingers in front of your face to startle you from your melancholy.

"I can." You assure him, sparing him a small smile.

He freezes for a moment before returning the gesture.

"I returned because I wanted to." You gaze at the office, "You were excited when your mother named me your advisor. Why?"

"You're brilliant." The words seem to slip out before he realizes he's said them.

You open your mouth to respond, but no words escape. His face flushes a deep red, but he carries on regardless.

"You're second to none when it comes to magic. The way you navigated the court even made the nobility envious. You were suited for the position in every way." He pauses, "You still are."

There's an awkward pause that hangs in the air until-

"You still haven't named a new advisor." You note, "Not after Emil."

"None have lived up to the precedence set." He responds.

The precedence set. Your precedence.

"Is that so?" You muse quietly, looking out the large window behind the desk.

The wind makes the flowers of the royal garden sway in the wind. You had seen the white lilies dedicated in your name, the brass bell to invoke your spirit. Far beyond any honor given to a mere advisor before, let alone one as apathetic to their monarch as you.

"The position is yours." He speaks into the silence, "If you so desire."

"I do." You say, "Desire."

And you do desire. You don't long for intrigue anymore; you have no want for shadows and politics, rivalry and struggle, any longer. You have seen death, you've been subjected to the abyss that comes after, and you're cold.

You still wake up shivering, fingers brushing over the scar just beneath your belly button, exhaling ice and death as you sob your way back to the land of the living.

You're so tired of the cold.

His hand brushes against your shoulder, the touch just short of shy. He gives you plenty of time to withdraw if you want, to pull away. You don't.

He's warm, and you're so tired of the cold.

You do desire, despite the fact that you shouldn't. You don't deserve him, never have, but he still sees fit to hold you in his heart. Maybe you can work to earn your place there.

Perhaps you don't need to work for it, you realize as you meet his gaze. It might be the most reliving and confusing thing you've confronted yet; Florian's affection is freely given, nothing needed in return.

You don't have to be anything other than yourself for him, and it's a scary thought.

He smiles again, the expression becoming increasingly familiar, and this one is much wider than the others.

"Then, advisor, you should get some rest." He motions to the quarters attached to the office through the double doors, "I'll send for you in the morning."

He pauses to dismiss the mage light by the door but glances back at you and refrains.

After all this time, he remembers you fear the dark. He knows instinctively it's worse after what you've been through. He also knows you'd never admit either of those things, so he doesn't make you.

The relief you feel at the gesture is overwhelming and the flickering gold light illuminates him as he leaves.

Maybe you do deserve happiness after all, and even if you don't, maybe that doesn't matter.

[bookofmirth]

How is Lucien disabled?

"A disability is any condition of the body or mind (impairment) that makes it more difficult for the person with the condition to do certain activities (activity limitation) and interact with the world around them (participation restrictions)."

His golden eye actually improves his vision, doesn't it?

About Lucien being POC, yes, he is mixed, and white passing since no one, not even himself, ever questioned he was Beron's son. But despite all that, is racism even a thing in Prythian? Half of the highlords are POC, and to my understanding there's oppression towards lesser fae, regardless of their skin color. And Lucien is high fae and a highlord's son.

Also, wouldn't Azriel be a disabled POC as well? He is most definitely not described as white or white passing, on top of that he is Illyrian, and a bastard as well. His hands got burned and are now full of scars, and I can't speak about his mental health because I don't have enough canon content yet, but it looks like he's still dealing with his childhood trauma and trust issues.

So yes, Lucien's eye could be argued to improve his vision, but he can't be without it and not suffer the consequences. For example, my brother has diabetes and that is considered a disability, but taking insulin or other meds doesn't negate the fact that he has diabetes. It is just being managed. He would suffer if he lost access to that aid. Another example, depression and anxiety are also often seen as disabilities (from a legal perspective, I know that they are protected as disabilities in the workplace in the US), but the fact that people can effectively manage those with medication doesn't make those disabilities non-existent.

A good way to think of it is - does this person need an aid to interact and participate in the world around them in the way that others do (using the key words from the definition you provided)? Do they need a ramp to get into a building? Do they need extra time on a test? Do they need glasses? A hearing aid? Etc. Even if those things are provided, that doesn't negate someone's disability.

Azriel could definitely also be considered disabled if he has PTSD or unresolved trauma. So yes, there is potential for him to suffer an invisible disability.

There is an important distinction between invisible and visible disabilities here, but I can't speak on it too much because (dis)ability is one of my weak points when it comes to social justice and equity issues. If someone else would like to jump in, please do!!!

Whether these characters are POC or disabled isn't necessarily the issue in the original post. None of this conversation has ever been about pitting characters against each other, or seeing who would win in the Oppression Olympics. In fact, claims that we are pitting characters against each other or trying to prove who has the most trauma were two of the points that OP used to explain how we participate in white feminism.

Instead, the entire conversation is about the way that the fandom talks about these characters, and how that conversation is influenced by the racism, ableism, and white feminism in our society. Because while that stuff may or may not exist in Prythian, it does exist IRL, and the fans are people living in the real world and being influenced and/or using these ideas to dubious ends.

In fact, that original post wasn't even about Azriel or Lucien - it was about how we discuss Elain. All of her examples were about how Elain's white womanhood is used to support very problematic arguments in the fandom. I know that it was a long post, and my addition didn't make it any shorter, but we are losing sight of the point:

The fandom tends to use white feminist tools, tools which yes, are frequently racist and can be ableist, in order to support arguments about a ship war. The fandom uses Elain's white womanhood to further this narrative. That was it. That was the tl;dr of the entire post.

I am 100% sure that someone, somewhere, is wondering "but Leslie, how is it different when you talk about Azriel being toxic, compared to talking about Lucien hovering over Elain?" I can answer that question, because it is complex and nuanced and requires understanding context and history. So yeah if someone wants to know more feel free to ask, but I have to teach a class and grade some stuff first. :D

[mc-critical]

your analysis of selim? i think he's hated way more than he deserves. hating him for valid reasons is fine but telling that he's gonna be such a bad sultan is really stupid [and especially because only now do they bring out history & say selim was bad which is historically inaccurate as well]. out of all of suleyman's sons, it was only mustafa who was loved by all & talented [show only cuz apparently mehmet was also extremely talented & selim wasn't a bad sultan] enough for the throne. bayezid was extremely hotheaded and you can't tell me that a prince who can't control his emotions, especially in front of state officials, will be a good sultan. everyone tells selim was extremely selfish & the instigator of all their fights, when they were younger & older. siblings are always like that?? mustafa obviously wasn't like that because he was way older than mehmet, mihrimah, selim, bayezid & cihangir to get into stupid fights w/ them. mehmet & mihrimah had frequent & annoying arguments because they were closer in age. selim & bayezid had frequent fights because they were closer in age. this is a thing with many siblings; the elder provoking the younger & the younger disrespecting the elder. why do people point out their sibling fights as evidence for selim's personality? i feel sorry for bayezid as a kid but i feel less remorse for him as he's older. i don't say he deserves execution, especially at the hands of his own father, but he did rebel against his father's order & then proceeded to flee to another empire; like, the punishment for that is execution, what did he expect after rebelling? i feel extremely sorry for all his sons though, they didn't deserve this fate when they were just victims of their father's rebellion. also, unpopular opinion but bayezid is lowkey overrated pls don't cancel me i love him but he's annoying at times like all characters & no one really acknowledges it back to selim, he was honestly very underrated. he was really slandered in the series and he didn't have any real support w/ him until nurbanu & sokollu. although hurrem did vouch for him to go to manisa, it was literally only because he was 'peaceful' [we can read that as untalented as well] and no harm would reach him because he wasn't a threat [i actually really liked this plan of hurrem's, tough & clever; only if she was actually supported in this]. even mihrimah, till the end, is quite unfair to him. he had a problem w/ alcohol & people telling him to just stop? like, it doesn't work that way? people have to suffer so much in order to stop their addictions & they're actually restricted from their addictions; selim was a prince, no one around him could restrict him [his parents could but they weren't w/ him in his provinces]. he did become politically active w/ nurbanu's growing ambitions & he took smarter, more cunning & dirtier measures than bayezid to win the throne. the battle for the throne was bloody; resorting to honour like mustafa did was obviously not the best decision & people insult selim for being cunning enough [or being influenced by cunning people] to win the throne. let's also keep in mind that selim didn't even have much of an interest for the throne until manisa & nurbanu. i also like his relationship w/ nurbanu. it paralleled suleyman & hurrem's w/ the concubine arcs but selim did end up being monogamous to her in the show. their chemistry was fantastic [props to engin & merve for their acting] and although i don't really enjoy the 'a woman makes a man strong & influences him in everything; good or evil' kind of take, i did enjoy their relationship [he also sometimes looked at her like she was this ethereal type miracle, appropriately so w/ her courage]. i like what the show did w/ bayezid's execution a lot, the whole scene was such a wonderful cinematic experience; the music, bayezid's agonizing screams, his sons falling one by one, selim crying because he didn't want it to end up this way, bayezid falling & his screams ceasing, selim's heartbroken face because he was always a soft person & he always loved bayezid;

ahh, what a scene, so much love for it. anyway, that's just my opinion; i think he's hated way more than he deserves, especially in comparison to other characters & he's actually one of my most favourite characters from s4 [but i honestly love all characters w/ their good & bad, mc has many complex characters & i live for it]. what do you think about selim? sorry if you got annoyed at the long ask, i can get really heated when talking about selim [especially in reference to his historical figure], hope you don't mind if❤ [if it is annoying i'll stop it]

(okay, I'll talk strictly about the show, since I don't feel like delving deep into historical waters. There is still stuff we don't know for sure and I do want to keep the line between show and history in my head, except for the similar themes.)

While he isn't particularly my favorite character, I appreciate MC Selim and he is a very interesting subject when it comes to analyzing him. I'm actually amazed with what the show did with him in the span of a season (and something, counting some S02B and S03B moments) - he was one of the most fleshed out characters in S04 and we could get a clear picture as to why he does what he does.

Some people consider his debut to be an insult, for it immediately showed some of his weaknesses, putting him in a bad light right out of the gate. But all I can see in this debut is a showcase of his predicament of the prince no one sees as a capable heir of the throne. It’s as if he sleeps with women and drinks as a coping mechanism he’s delved into, with Mihrimah having to do effort to snap him out of it. The Selim we see in the beginning of S04 is a hopeless person. He doesn’t have dreams and ambitions, it’s as if he’s a already a lost cause and he has no one to truly support him. Even Hürrem wanted to send him to Manisa not because she deemed him as worthy, but to use him as a shield in order to deceive her enemies and protect the actual favorite. That may seem like a clever plan, but in actuality, it failed spectacularly - not only did her enemies not get confused for a second and didn’t attack Selim at all, but she forgot to tell Bayezid why she did it and made Selim confused to the point of demotivation, because none of his brothers were truly happy with this decision and they were all opposing it, directly and indirectly. And while he may not show it that much, because of his more composed and pragmatic nature, Selim is sensitive to the opinions of his brothers and the people around him and their prevailing disapproval may be a part of why he became so different than the rest. It’s like no one wanted to get to know him.

Nurbanu’s entrance in Selim’s life is very cathartic in this aspect, for she actually worked with him and gave him the needed motivation and ambition to fight, awaking sides of him that were dormant for a long time. And yes, I do think that Selim’s pragmatism is something he always had, if the whole arrow incident in S03B where he sabotaged Bayezid’s arrow, which caused him to lose is any indication. 

{I don’t think that the quarrels Selim and Bayezid had when they were little are so much indicators of Selim’s personality as they are foreshadowing of their future conflict. Right, these quarrels are normal for siblings and Mehmet and Mihrimah also fought like that (heck, even little Mehmet and Mustafa had a fight once in S01 and that fight was used as the conflict of the remainder of that one episode), but they weren’t as frequent as the ones of Selim and Bayezid. I don’t know, it’s just the atmosphere of these scenes was different and hinted at something more. It could be because we know the historical events and we could see every tiniest bit of early sibling rivalry between them as build-up, but still, I always felt there just was something else. Like the whole arrow incident I mentioned, a presumably harmless little situation gains a whole other meaning later on. It sets up neatly Süleiman’s opinions of both of them (his reaction to apparent disobedience and the making of a scene by someone he doesn’t expect to, by which I mean Bayezid), Hürrem’s retroactive ignorance of a possible bigger enmity and the roots of the whole conflict. It’s not Selim deciding to sabotage Bayezid’s performance as a last resort, maybe knowing that he surely won’t do better than his brother (doing a pretty typical ,,prank’’ for a little, naughty kid) that is exemplary of his cunning later, it’s his validation and him getting away with it that eventually becomes it, just like how he ends up getting away with stuff in the next season. Selim definetly isn’t the instigator of all the fights, especially because Bayezid, thanks to his more impulsive nature, is much more likely to start a fight in the first place and contrasts to Selim’s overall better composure. Provokations among them were mutual and both were consistently throwing darts at each other, one after another. Their conflict is a very nuanced issue: while people try to play right and wrong, both sides were at fault one way or another. The conflict between them is mostly caused by insensitivity, favoritism and ignorance and the desperation of both to try to prove themselves to their parents and win their support, at the end of the day. Why did they always calm down in front of their mother? Not only because of their joint respect for her, but also because of these same attempts to earn her support. Even Bayezid, who obviously had to be sure of her support, wasn’t completely certain of it after Hurrem turned it on Selim for a while. Selim, on the other hand, obviously never felt her support, it’s like something was missing right from the start. Combine that with their completely opposing personalities and the whole system encouraging competition for the throne and there you have the inevitable ultimate conclusion. That’s why I also love the set-up, the pay-off and the aftermath of Bayezid’s execution. It may be historically inaccurate that Selim, not Süleiman, executed Bayezid, but when you think about it, it was the most logical thing that could’ve happened, ending their conflict with a heart-wrenching bow. I love the scene of the execution itself, too - the action, the dialogue, the direction, the character moments, the themes... I don’t know whether Selim loved Bayezid by that point, per say, after all they went through, but it was clear that he knew that he had to do it, that it couldn’t have ended any other way, but he was broken over it. He was aware that it was, ultimately, a sin, which would continue haunting him. He couldn’t catch a break afterwards, he couldn’t stop. All was solved, but at what cost?}

I love his dynamic with Nurbanu - they balanced each other off so well, their chemistry was amazing, such a power couple. Nurbanu’s biggest contribution is hiding some of his flaws and mobilizing him to fight. Her cold pragmatism ,,grounds’’ Selim’s softer side, she’s there to always remind him of the stakes of the game and to shut off the last ounces of his vulnerabilities after Hurrem died. He sure is influenced by her, but that doesn’t mean that he blindly takes her word for everything - he is always ready to call her out when necessary and assure her that there are lines she shouldn’t cross. Despite of her pleas, he kept having affairs with other women (that is honestly a trend with all the men of the show, but still..), he got mad at her after what happened to Huricihan and most notably, after he found out that she possibly stole his mother’s ring. A part of why their dynamic works so well is precisely this strenght of character and their awesome compatibility. 

I have heard affirmations that Selim doesn’t care about Mustafa, which... simply isn’t true? While they have the least scenes together and Selim is the one that considers him most as a rival and his most dangerous competitor for the throne (which would explain his startled reaction after Musti saved him from the janissary), it’s precisely Mustafa’s death that is the turning point of his character arc. He was upping his game slowly but surely and before then, but he didn’t do much in terms of attacks. Neither Selim, nor Nurbanu once considered attacking Mustafa, the supposed biggest danger to them, which I find respectable and admirable. The bomb with the death drops and then every hope about a fair game is abandoned. Selim gets the realization that being honorable won’t work. The only way to win is bend the system and play dirty. There’s no time for sitting around or looking nice. And even though Nurbanu realized this, too, as well as Selim, Nurbanu was always more inclined to act this way than him and now the righteousness of her methods were only getting confirmed. It was Selim that had to reach this end. Discovering that he is no longer allowed to show any kind of weakness. Every chance that appears on the horizon, he’ll take it. That brings him to his first true dirty plan - the trap he set through the fake Mustafa rebellion.

Speaking of which, the worst deed of Selim’s for me is connected to that rebellion. I know I may be very biased in this regard, since it affects my personal favorite character and isn’t as recalled as others, but I hated when, in Selim and Sokollu’s attempts to wash their hands from the pulled off stunt, Sokollu, his man, told SS that Mahidevran was giving money to the rebellion. Okay, it’s not said outright whether is this directly tied to Selim or it was something Sokollu himself came up with out of desperation or something (though it was hinted that both thought something through in a scene where both were saying that they should come clean out of this all somehow) and it’s not outrightly confirmed whether Mahidevran gave the money or not (I highly doubt she did it; not only because it would destroy her whole S04 arc and she would become, well... MCK Gulbahar, but also because after the messenger told her of her alleged blame in E129, her eyes widened in surprise.), but all it does is be the only explicit case where Selim indeed looks bad, for his proposal to return Mahidevran in the castle doesn’t seem to stem from genuine guilt and remorse, but rather a late and empty attempt to placate his own conscience. Oh, not to mention (for the upteenth time, sorry in advance) how the scene back in E58 where Hurrem tells Mahidevran that her kids will be there taking care for her when she’s alone, which was treated as some big foreshadowing in the show, as well, by both the voice of the S02B narrative and the fandom alike, loses its value even more with that framing, because Selim and Sokollu themselves brought her to this state in the first place!!! Despite it making sense anyway, it’s still such a disservice to Selim as a person both inside and outside of the writing. 

One aspect of Selim’s pragmatism I find most interesting is his ability to turn his enemies into allies, knowing exactly how to amass them and get them on his side, be it through giving them more money and promising them the world. These alliances are all opportunistic in nature and may not be as loyal as those of Mustafa’s or of Mustafa’s people (like Atmaca) with Bayezid, but I think Selim knows this and wants to keep them steady enough for the common goal. As for what kind of a padisah he’ll be.... I believe that state matters would be the least of his concerns, since he was shown to not care so much about them, compared to his other brothers (but then again, the show itself doesn’t put the political capability of the princes at center stage - their personal virtues are always the determining factor of what makes a good padisah and what doesn’t, more of a psychological outlook, if you will.) and he perhaps won’t plan as many campaigns or conquer as many territories, maybe he won’t be that successful at all, but his cunning would bring him advantage in front of his people, he will be at least a bit careful of who he’s choosing and won’t simply lose it in front of everyone, compared to Bayezid’s impulsive temper.

[I love Bayezid as a character, but the shadier aspects of his personality sure tend to be overlooked. While his anger is directed mainly at Selim and Suleiman, it often reaches such extremes to the point it becomes destructive and affects everyone. He doesn’t deserve his execution at all and most of his actions stem from a very sympathetic place, given how SS never truly gave him a chance and he went on the inevitable path, because he, just like Selim, realized that honor won’t work in this war, but took the opposite approach from Mustafa, direct rebellion. And predictably, both approaches didn’t work since Bayezid, too, was taken advantage of. While he didn’t get justice, the lead-up to his execution is a character arc of his and there are many reasons and events linking it all together and showing us why it took place the way it did.]

Selim’s dynamic with Suleiman is proof of how you can be presumably favored, but you have to work to get there. The reasons Suleiman favored him are very telling and sad and we see that he also doesn’t favor him because of any and all capabilities he may have, but because of his self-imposed distorted view of loyalty Selim has to do a lot to preserve, actually. He constantly has to make it so it looks like he’s loyal and obedient and doesn’t work behind his back. He doesn’t get the fullest appreciation from his father, as well, and I certainly feel it impacts him, in a way.

I agree that Mihrimah could be unfair to Selim. They weren’t that close and she had this open preference to Bayezid. Most annoyingly is when, in their confrontation in E139, which highlights even more their parallel sins, Mihrimah doesn’t seem to face that sin of hers when Selim calls her out on it. She has a reason to deeply resent him after what he did to Bayezid, but was offended when he reminded her of the crime she also committed. More solidarity on that front would be a bit better, at least a hint of like recognizing like even for a moment. (but maybe then her scene with Mahidevran later wouldn’t be as impactful? Huh.)

And lastly, about his drinking - Nurbanu tried to restrict him, but it’s true that such habits aren’t easy to give up on, especially knowing how his drinking is a coping mechanism as much as it is something he enjoys. He knows he shouldn’t do it, he’s told he shouldn’t do it, but he can’t help it. He doesn’t drink when he’s planning or scheming, but he keeps on doing it more and more with every problematic action of his. It’s an attempt to supress his otherwise strong conscience to the max, seeing how after his brother’s execution he apparently always took a drink when he was alone at night, fighting an inner conflict with himself. I don’t think there was a way he could stop doing it permanently in the show. It was a part of who he was, unfortunately or not. 

[genshinconfessions]

I ship klc but recognize people won't like it (more than other ships) but tag it all the same so people can avoid it (I also have a secret side blog for it as well, so it's not even on my main blog at all). I think some people on both sides are really weird about it. There was one twit thread I saw that their relationship based on the Chinese texts wasn't set in stone and that they, as a Chinese speaker in China, said that people could see it either way, based on subconscious internal factors basically. I think it's like when you go to a museum with a friend you met in college from a different city or country and they interpret a painting or art piece different than you. There's no "solid" or "correct" way to interpret it, and even the creator's intent can get lost or removed from their work, or be dismissed altogether (like in death of the author), so that's not even correct.

I don't see klc as brothers, adopted or not, because I didn't grow up with any adopted siblings. To this day, I don't even know anyone irl who is adopted or who has adoptive siblings. But someone who was adopted might be predisposed to seeing them of the more familial nature. Neither interpretation is right, but neither is also wrong.

So I think with Venti Jesus anon talking about it that way, it can go either way. Perhaps the Chinese culture of Mihoyo influenced the way the characters are written, even with Mondstadt being based on Germany (if you've never experienced the culture firsthand for a very long time, in any sort of writing, about anything, you won't grasp it and will make mistakes, and let your own personal bias, good or bad, influence the situation), but like I said, death of the author.

Also, "blood oaths" are a similar concept to sworn brothers, albeit performed differently and weighted differently. They're probably less in use than sworn brothers in the modern day, but they were definitely a thing. I feel like medieval Germany would have had such a concept. The other thing that comes to mind are rituals to be sworn in as a member of the yakuza in Japan, or the mafia in Sicily or America. All these aren't exact 1:1, and none of them have the cultural nuance as large as sworn brothers does in danmei, though.

Like you said, the translation in English is pretty bad. As someone who is a hobbyist fan translator, and has friends who are professional translators, I feel like they were given the bare minimum information and were probably worked to death for little pay. A lot of places will outsource to non-native English speakers but where English is a major language (my friend, for instance, lived and worked in South East Asia, where English is not spoken mostly day to day but many are fluent in it "enough" that it's cheaper to go to them; she's told me before that by nature of me being a native speaker, my JP->EN translations will sound more natural on a first pass than hers ever will). While I understand the probable work environments, it still leads me to be disappointed in it. I play with JP voices now in order to get a more robust feeling for a scene (I'm not that good at CHN yet). Regardless, this will also lead to some misinterpretations of anything or people taking the English translation as gospel since they can't speak any other language to let them think critically.

A lot of what the Genshin fandom does is in bad faith. Maybe it's a modern fandom thing, but an overwhelming majority of people seem to assume the worst in others at all times, too. Like, yeah, there was drama and stuff back when fandom was genuinely niche. With the movement of fandom to more mainstream, and especially with the advent of social media where fans can talk to creators directly, though, I feel like everyone is trying to fuck everyone over. It's no longer "it's just the vocal minority". Like people scrolling through years and years of tweets intentionally searching for something problematic (and even if the person in question genuinely apologizes, they get mad at that too).

I've sent a few asks in about this before (and also the suspicious food being fed to Zhongli ask, maybe I'll be Suspicious Zhongli Anon), but I seriously think people just need to respect boundaries and such. The last part isn't a commentary on other certain changes, I should add. I think change is good. I think holding people accountable is good. But I also think people need to understand that a lot of people, including them, who are very polarized in their opinions will not listen to anything, even facts. There's a lot of things people do that make me uncomfortable, but I try to block and forget about them, knowing that that's better than arguing with them constantly and exposing myself to more upsetting material. (This isn't even just with fandom stuff, either. People just want to feel morally superior with anything they do.)

TLDR: klc is up to interpretation and we should respect each versions.

i want to emphasize one thing that suspicious zhongli anon said:

an overwhelming majority of people seem to assume the worst in others at all times

BOY if this isn't true. just because someone doesn't ship jeanlisa or beiguang doesn't mean they're homophobic! just because someone ships kaeluc doesn't mean they support or engage in incest!

and i think a LOT of anons have said this before, but it is super important to realize that genshin is fiction, and fiction is never as simple as black and white.

the main point is this:

TLDR: klc is up to interpretation and we should respect each versions.

- katheryne from liyue

[sodacanwritings]

character ask game: geto & choso ☆

thank you. this was so long ago- here you have your answer.

favourite thing about him

geto

his personality and his realistic character. i like the vibe he gives off, he's pretty intelligent but somewhat chill and laid-back, almost to an arrogant nuance but somehow you can't really hold it against him. it just seems like he knows what he's doing and there's actually something behind it which is why you can't blame him for being a little cocky. he still has good morals (or well I guess, until a certain point-) and just feels, complete.

choso

the way that caring for his brothers is like what his whole personality and existence is based of, how he cares for them- and just his general vibe. he feels like he's so lost sometimes

least favorite thing about him

geto

I can't say that I like the choices he made but I can't hold them against him. he's a relatable character. probably, the way he looks in the official art and the panels of him with his maniac smile- did him kinda bad in my opinion.

choso

i don't really think there is one. for the sake of the question, he looks like he never showered.

favourite line

geto

‘society should protect the weak and keep the strong in check.’

‘[...] but it's not like I ever detested anyone from the college. it's just that in a world like this, I can't laugh from my heart at all.’

choso

Ig I'm gonna put this one. ‘sorry, but you didn't love your brothers..and I can't understand that.’

brOTP

geto - sugushoko, but lowkey, it would've been interesting to see him with nanami.

choso - i don't know tbh. i think he gives a wholesome pair with many people. (but imagine him with someone like haibara.)

OTP

geto - satosugu

choso - unpopular opinion: choso x bakery lady. (i am not much of a chosoyuki shipper, maybe.)

nOTP

geto - honestly i feel like shipping him with any woman, and any minor ofc, is a no for me

choso - choso and yuji. or any other of the underage characters.

random headcanon

suguru has a manga collection and his favorite genre is psychological horror. whenever he borrows them to satoru, he only gives him the the romance ones because he can't read those.

choso likes hello kitty, and a bunch of things like every tv show normally associated with little girls.

unpopular opinion

canon suguru probably wasn't any less of a player than satoru, he was just way more charismatic about it.

choso isn't a straight allosexual.

song that reminds me of him

geto - brutal by olivia rodrigo / seventeen going under by sam fender

choso - I don't really have any for him rn, he reminds me of like soft piano music. maybe soft guitar.

favourite pic of him

it's too difficult to just decide on one. so these are the ones.

especially the one at the table.

and there was one specific one that i can't find rn, which was the low quality one of him standing from behind. that might be my favorite.