#i feel bad for patty when the ptsd hits

[ladynamida]

DMC Questions Anon here!

DMC 5 did a great thing a gave us dates! It also gave us a Patty cameo that revealed it's her birthday on May 3rd. So my question for you is, how will her next birthday go after DMC 5?

The heady scent of incense burned through the air, the dark night sky hidden behind curtains so thick they felt as if they could keep the entire world at bay. Furniture pushed to one side of the room, scratch marks still visible in the parquet floor. It was now or never.

She was alone. She had never felt so alone. Desperate. No matter how many people she surrounded herself with, no matter how many flashy names with their flashy smiles and even flashier cars, she never felt safe anymore. Those marionettes with the double-barrelled surnames that had never stared down death and been protected by the barrel of a gun. They didn't understand. They could never understand. How could they, unless they had seen what she had seen? She wasn't cruel enough to wish that on anybody.

She remembered a simpler time, when she was told everything would be okay if she closed her eyes. When she dared to trust a stranger, in eternal optimism that there were good people she could trust, and she would be taken care of. Rescued.

It was her turn to do the rescuing now. She closed her eyes and took a breath.

The sigils outlining the circle began to glow as she fell to her knees and slapped bloodied palms on the floor. She recited the words, not knowing exactly what they meant but trusting them anyway. Lady would be furious, but what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. She poured every ounce of hope she possessed into every syllable she uttered. They came from her gut now, and from the darkest recesses of her heart.

She felt pressure, pressing on her from all sides, suffocating, but she pressed on. She had spent months nurturing her skills, learning the words down to the last inflection and growl. She'd be damned if she would give up now. Giving up was not a phrase in Patty's vocabulary.

The pressure reached a crescendo, crushing her chest inward and pushing her down toward the floor, bowing to a deity not even there, but with the last demonic growl the sigils disappeared from sight, the magic poured into them spent, and the room was draped in darkness once more. She leaned forward, bowing her head, trying desperately to hold herself upright and hear anything beyond the rushing of blood through her ears. Darkness.

---

Heavy breathing, then the glow of a small summoned sword faintly lights the room with blue. Eyes immediately pick out the girls silhouette, slumped on her side but knees still drawn up toward her chest. A flash of red - he knows that silhouette.

"...Patty?"

She feels him speak more than she hears it, and cracks her eye open, frowning against the pain in her head and rubbing her forehead against the cool wooden floor. He's beside her in an instant.

She knew what to say: she had spent almost as much time daydreaming about it as she had studying the dark arts she would need to make it happen.

"You're a whole year late, you know."

[thesmpisonfire]

Okay, this accidentally got suuuuper long (and I forgot how to put "keep reading" in mobile) so skip if you don't want to read about Schlatt and Wilbur in the void

Good read if you want!

---------------×-------------

It felt like a sharp pain, then... There was nothing.

Not only the lack of surroundings, but the lack of feelings, memories, pain, and himself.

Then, it came all of sudden. The drug van. The ambush. The betrayal. The bow. And then nothing.

Schlatt was floating around in the void, his mind clear for the first time since he trapped himself in a one by one room to escape from lava. That was the beginning of that mess, the feeling that he could win and beat all the odds, even if he needed to sacrifice someone in the process. You can tell it was like a parasite, growing bigger, but also taking something out from the ram.

He felt remorse for the first time, not only because he was dead, but because he never said sorry to Wilbur for that, or for exiling him, or for setting a war, or for... Oh my, Schlatt was really a bad friend.

At the beginning, he really liked L'manburg. Without that parasite in his brain, messing with his thoughts, Schlatt could see that he enjoyed the place. He enjoyed taking the walls down and changing the name. It felt like a good thing to do. He enjoyed his cabinet, Quackity, Tubbo and Fundy made a good job at first.

He sighed as he thought about those three. Schlatt thought he could trust all of them. Tubbo's betrayal was too much for him to maintain his facade. His sickness was taking over him, making easier to trap the kid and order his death. At every betrayal, the fear of losing his spot only made him more paranoic and sick, revealing a side he tried to keep in control for so long. A side that was his all along.

Schlatt only felt disappointment when he remembered the White House episode, ignoring Quackity's pleads as he destroyed it. The vice president had all the rights in killing him, Schlatt was a fuckin dick.

Fundy... It was a shock, honestly. Schlatt thought that, at least, the fox would be with him. That's why he snapped, hitting him with a broken bottle as the parasite took over everything. Schlatt wasn't even thinking anymore, spitting his venon to all the people that betrayed him. Fundy was a coward, Quackity would always be Flatty Patty.

Schlatt even had his final vengeance over Tommy, not even letting the kid do justice with his own hands as the disease got to his heart and mind, the worried looks not being seen as Schlatt bended over to cough, not being able even to listen to the calls.

And then... He was at the void.

Something, deep down, wanted to go back. To respawn and live again. But, as Schlatt thought about it, he decided to give up. He didn't want to go back and face the consequences of his own actions

He watched a colorful fog leave his body, suddenly feeling so cold. His suit was gone with the fog, leaving him with a bright blue jumper. Schlatt smiled to himself, he always loved that sweater. The fog hovered around, and then it was gone.

Schlatt knew that this was the end. No more respawns for him. He gave up life in order to be free in this peaceful place. Surely, he would think about all his life and achievements, but its not like he didn't enjoyed being a businessman. His life was good... If not for the part he discovered he was a monster deep inside and gave an entirety country PTSD.

Someone joined Schlatt, who turned his head to see Wilbur. "Heyyy" Schlatt called, getting his attention.

"Heyyy... Just pressed the button." He chuckled, spinning around.

"What?? You fuckin madman, you really did it!?" Schlatt was surprised, a half smile in his face.

"Yep. Right after Tubbo got nominated as the president." Wilbur kinda layed on nothing, not seeing surprised by the emptiness.

"Tubbo as the president?? Wow..." Schlatt thought to himself about it... And yes! Tubbo would make a good president. "Proud of the boy"

"He is the president of a crater now" Wilbur laughed this time. "At least I got to see the destruction... Right before Philza killed me."

"Philza? Like The Philza? Philza Minecraft?" Wilbur nodded. "Yikes, man..."

They enjoyed the silence for a while, appreciating each other's company for the first time in years.

"So... Are you going back?" Schlatt heard Wilbur's question, then shaked his head. "Nice, neither am I."

Schlatt asked why, lightly kicking Wilbur and making him spin. "My time there was gone, I died like I wanted. In a big spectacle!" Wilbur's smile now seemed sad, like he finally proceeded what he had truly done. "You are such a showman..." Schlatt half smiled, remembering their time back in SMPLive, another land dammed to fall.

They watched as the colorful fog came out from Wilbur's body, taking away his trenchcoat and leaving him with an old yellow sweater and jeans. All color from Wilbur's body was also gone, Schlatt now noticing that his hooves weren't a darw brown anymore, and his fur looked even whiter.

Now, there was no way back. No more chances for them.

Wilbur got slightly uncomfortable, boredom filling his brain. He looked at Schlatt, who was so different from the sick man he saw die in that van, and grabbed his arm. He smiled a little, now noticing how much he missed J. Schlatt.

"Wanna go up there and see how much we can mess?"

Schlatt laughed, floating up and taking Wilbur with him.

"I thought you were never going to ask, lover boy."

[emachinescat]

I've decided to watch MacGyver from the beginning (again), and I'm live tweeting the experience with every tweet tagged with #savemacgyver. I thought it would be fun to share my collected thoughts from the episodes on here as well.

My Thoughts on S1E2, "Metal Saw"

Seriously love the music in this show!

THE FREAKING BELT GRAB. You can tell they've done this kind of thing before.

I always love it when Jack and Mac have heart-to-hearts in the middle of super intense, dangerous situations. Like... it's sweet, but time and place, guys?

"Hi, I'm Jack." Nervous Jack is bebby.

Ew, sweat. Like, I know it's "realism" to have sweat stains on clothes in situations like these, but that's one bit of realism I can always do without. Gross.

Is that a bit of PTSD I'm seeing with Mac there on the couch? That's a kind of realism I can always get behind.

Riley finding Mac and Boze in that compromising position will never not be funny. "But he was on top." I love Riley more every episode.

Riley is a really good liar from day one.

I love the joke about ex-cons benefiting from being in relationships with stable people (i.e., fake boyfriend Bozer), then the immediate cut to Bozer with his whole arm inside the vending machine. Great stuff.

Love the Riley and Bozer bonding... right up until the cringe-tastic "Slide me your digits."

"Soon, I'm gonna woo you the same way Romeo would have wooed Juliet if they had Snapchat back in the Renaissance." Bozer and his surprisingly accurate pickup lines. The Renaissance did in fact start in Italy around the 14th century, when R&J is thought to take place.

I love all this psychoanalyzing of Mac. "Adapting is his survival mechanism." Also I'm living for Jack sticking up for Mac to Patti.

"This place has been searched by everybody and their dog." Is this a Texas thing or an old guy saying? Either way it's great.

Nothing beats the early days of Mac and Jack. Nothing. I wish we had gotten more interactions where Jack has to parent Mac: "Stop touching that. Look at me." ❤️❤️❤️

Jack so concerned about Mac and putting on the kid gloves = everything I could have ever asked for and more.

Jack has such a big heart. Poor guy, the look on his face when he sees that the reporter is actually Sarah...

Paperclip sculptures: When I first started watching the show, I thought they were lame. Now I miss them so much. Does that mean I've gotten lamer or that they were always cool and I was always lame?

"Closest time I ever came to coming home in a box." Oof. This line hits different now, and not in a good way.

I just love how Jack is this big tough ex-Delta who is so open about his emotions, particularly with Mac. And the way Mac reassures him... Their bromance is top-tier.

"Oh, like when they invented fire!" Another zinger.

Mac grabbing that giant cigar right out of that dude's mouth 😂😂😂

Love some good fight-scene Mac whump! 👏👏👏 And bar fights are always a blast!

Riley with the car door - such a boss. "What? You told me to stay in the car, and I did."

I've seen some people say they don't like S1 Mac's hair. I kind of dig it, to be honest. He looks like he's 5, but I love it.

Mac has made a lot of DIY cutting torches in his time, but they never get less impressive.

Jack trusting Mac to save Sarah while he keeps watch is just *chef's kiss*!

These early episodes have so many MacGyverisms. One right after the other. It's awesome.

I've never been a big fan of the dark either, Mac.

The first scene with Mac and Sarah is so beautifully tense and whumpy (he way he scrabbles for purchase, gasps for breath, that hitch in his voice as he tries to squeak out Jack's name) that I had to rewind and watch it again.

The hopeful disbelief in her voice: "Jack Dalton came for me?"

Sarah can kick some serious ass. I can see why Jack likes her. Too bad she's about to lead him on the rest of the episode, while actually having a fiance...

Sarah: *leans out of car, shooting her weapon with deadly, terrifying precision* Riley: I agree, this woman should not have kids. 😂 Everything that comes out of Riley's mouth is gold.

Riley asleep in the back of the car while Mac sits quietly and Jack and Sarah have a sweet moment is like mom and dad with the kids in the backseat. Except mom has a fiance and hasn't told dad yet, even though she's had ample opportunity.

Because seriously, Sarah. It's not that hard to tell him the truth. Giving him those big eyes and flirting with him, thinking he has a chance is just cruel. I have never liked her character, and this is why.

Mac and Jack giggling about Jack's crush on Sarah like middle-school girls is life.

"You're just gonna have to let that go." Man, I love their relationship.

Gosh, the scene where they find Luis always hurts so badly. These early episodes did not play around.

"There isn't always time to beg some suit back home for permission to do what's right." I'm not a fan of Sarah, but I love this line. Also, this is pretty much the synopsis of the whole show.

Riley's hair used to be so LONG! 😍

The loyalty of these three! And I love the OG trio so much.

This sleazy guy in the computer place makes my skin crawl.

Love how Patti's like, "Mac will be back by then." Not Jack, not Riley. Just Mac. Can we say teacher's pet? I actually lowkey love this though.

"Who is this guy?" Much like Doctor Who's "It's bigger on the inside," I never get tired of people being equally amazed and confused at the stuff Mac can do.

I've never been the biggest car chase junkie, but Barrios jumping over the car using that log in the road is pretty dope.

Sarah's rage is chilling. And Jack talking her down breaks me every time.

Again, I love the loyalty of our team. Everyone sticks up for each other, ending with Mac's totally unbelievable but still somehow 100% genuine "It was me. I forced them." TOO good.

First mention of Oversight this early. Just thinking about who it is that doesn't like unsanctioned ops just makes me 😤 I wonder if the writers knew who OS was at this point or if it was a later development.

I do wish we could have gotten more conspiratorial, approving Patti. She's so much better than expressionless, bland Patti.

The way Sarah never told Jack about her fiance Jeff (who is in fact a cinnamon roll but still a discount Jack) pisses me off. "I tried to tell you." Yeah, right. It's not that hard to say, "Yo, I'm in a relationship."

Jack NEVER should have found out about Jeff the way he did. There's no excuse.

It's not okay, Jack. She did you wrong. You didn't deserve that. Stand up for yourself, man. Gosh, he's so broken here, and I hate it.

"At least we have each other... Don't look at me. I know how weird it sounded." THESE TWO I SWEAR 🤣🤣🤣

Poor Mac. I do love how we get his obsessive tendencies so early in the show, and how they keep coming back, even as late as season 5. As someone with clinically diagnosed OCD, this makes me feel seen and I love being able to relate to my favorite character.

Love the found family antics at the end. Riley and Bozer making dinner while Mac and Jack play basketball? Perfection.

Lol, Bozer calling Riley a "caramel goddess" has such Schmidt/Cece vibes from New Girl, and I dig it!

Ew. More sweat. I know some people find sweaty men attractive, but that is NOT my vibe. I prefer my men clean and freshly laundered.

The way Riley glances back over her shoulder at them as she walks away, as if to make sure they're really there, that this is actually real!!!

"That's not even... that's true, actually. That's sad." Jack 🤣 Also, "I'm hungry." Big mood.

As a Grandpa Harry stan from the OG show, I eat up any mention of him in the new one. I just wish we'd gotten more of that wonderful man in the reboot. Still, I'll take what I can get!

I'd honestly forgotten how much I enjoy this episode! So solid, full of bromance, found family, and lots of good-natured bickering. Can't wait to watch the next one, hopefully tomorrow! In the meantime, please keep fighting for our show! Together we can #savemacgyver!

If anyone wants to join me in my re-watching and tweeting adventure, please do! It's my way to take about an hour a day in my busy, busy life to commit to the #savemacgyver movement. (And to enjoy my favorite show yet again!) If you do tweet as you watch, make sure to tag EVERY tweet with ONLY #savemacgyver so we can keep that hashtag trending! :)

Thanks for letting me share my (numerous) thoughts on this episode. This was really fun, and I hope it's something you all enjoy, too. I'd love to know what you all think of the episode in the comments! ❤️

[movedto-dazaipositive]

one guess where this started. couldn't have done it without @taggianto 💜 you.

CW: rape and resultant pregnancy; severe self-worth issues; mentally ill character with wrong ideas about what constitutes mental illness.

so, I've got a running headcanon that Kent's mom is alcoholic and she has ptsd.

rape & pregnancy TW // she was raped in college and that's how she got pregnant with Kent. she kept him out of choice, but she loves him no matter what

but that doesn't change the fact that she has ptsd and for many years while she was working 3 jobs to keep them alive and Kent on the ice, and she had to get through somehow. so she drank at home

and she wasn't ever really there for Kent. she couldn't be, between drinking and working. does Kent resent her? I don't think so. I don't think he knew it was even an option until he met the Zimmermanns and Jack

and saw the way they behaved with each other. but he loves his mom and he'd do anything for her. it's why he sticks with hockey even when it hurts–his mom worked hard to get him where he is, and he can't let her down now

but she crashes around the time Kent is 16/17. she's no longer got Kent around to survive for, and it really messes her up. and Kent watches Jack and his mom crash and burn, up close and from afar, and it fucks him up

like, bad. he can't stop thinking that it was him, that he's the reason they're the way they are. that he's the only thing they have in common and they're both–the way they are, and it must be him. it must be Kent

jack's OD breaks Kent, pushes him over the edge of a cliff he was already clinging to with his fingertips. he shuts down completely and only surfaces to a) send his mom to rehab with his first NHL paycheck b) and play hockey

he withdraws completely. cuts himself off from human contact at the exact time he needs it the most. he spends his rookie year with the Aces Captain, Patty, his wife and their two kids, barely holding on to his humanity

it's a good thing the team forces Kent out regularly, because otherwise he'd turn into an Actual Hockey Robot. it's not that he isn't friendly with them–he plays beautiful hockey and laughs and chirps with the rest of them, but there's something off about it. he's skittish and awkward, and he gets this look in his eyes sometimes, like he survived something awful but not really.

like he isn't all there. they worry about him. he's too small and too good at hockey and he needs someone to watch out for him

the first year, it's the whole team. all how-many-ever of them, looking out for Kent on and off the ice. the second year, Jeff comes to them

Jeff is...good with Kent.

Jeff's been playing on the NHL for a couple years, got drafted third or fourth to the Seattle Schooners. he's a good teammate, dryly funny, chirps that take a second to sink in. he plays good hockey, not as good as Kent, but good.

but he seems to know, instinctively, what Kent needs at any given moment

Jeff drags Kent into being social and actually, y'know, forming meaningful connections with other people by giving Kent puppy eyes until Kent agrees to hang out with Jeff and teammate of the week

and Kent, horribly unused to being someone people want to spend time with and nearly incapacitated by loneliness after a year of next to no human connection, says yes every time

and Kent is a person? under that weird obsessive hockey robot exterior? he's fun to hang out with. he's even funny. he's a bit a total dork and likes helping people and he always knows a good place to eat

so people on Kent's team start to seek his company even without Swoops around and Kent goes ? but he doesn't like to let people down or say no

Kent is still like, messed up inside. he doesn't sleep well and there are a lot of days when he won't get out of bed of he doesn't have to. but he's still trying

except... he's not trying to be better at Humaning for himself. he's doing it for Jeff and the people who depend upon him to show up and entertain their kids for two hours so they can go on a date

the only thing that's changed is the manifestation of Kent's chronic self-sacrificing and the people who receive it.

and Kent is honestly trying really hard and overcompensating for a year of not being a good Human Person so he swamps himself in helping people and overworks himself

and it's Jeff that picks up the pieces of Kent's dumbassery. it's Jeff that calls people to let them know that Kent has the flu, no they haven't been to the doctor yet, yes he's mostly okay he's puking right now, so no he can't come and take care of your kids Patty find a fucking babysitter you're a millionaire jfc

(Patty is kind of a dick)

Kent: [in between puking] but I promised

Jeff: shut the fuck up

Kent's bedridden for almost a week. he misses two games, both of which the Aces lose

it's during this week that Jeff realises just how fucked up Kent is, because in the middle of puking his guts out and shivering under six blankets he still finds time to blame himself for everything that goes wrong in that week. e v e r y s i n g l e t h i n g. it's not really Kent's fault, being sick pulls down all walls that keep him from airing the constant internal monologue of self blame and loathing, but Jeff calls his cousin Rashmi and has a slight breakdown

well, I say slight. he nearly cries

Jeff needs to talk about how much Kent is hurting and omg I never knew im a terrible friend eeeee

she tells him to a) calm the fuck down b) don't take this so personally, you can't help him if you think you're the one to blame, he's doing that already c) here's a bunch of helpful links on how to deal when you think your friend might be mentally ill

Jeff tries to be subtle about bringing up the 'you might be mentally ill thing'. Kent, however, is not dumb. he catches on to this really fast, and panics hard. his only experience with mentally ill folks is his mom and Jack, and they are not a good place to start–both addicts who've been unintentionally emotionally abusive to Kent. Kent draws the best conclusion he can with this data pool. the conclusion is I am a horrible person who will soon be drug addict and hurt the people around me, whoops time to Shut Down

Kent [shutting down] I am a horrible person that deserves nothing good, ever. Jeff: nO Kent: I can't hear you over the sound of my self loathing Jeff: N O

and Jeff does not know how to deal with a Kent who's gone straight back to rookie year levels of skittish I-am-a-virus-don't-touch-me. the team, on the other hand, knows perfectly well how.

or, at least, they know how they dealt with it. but they're hockey players, with the combined emotional intelligence of a nail clipper, and when they tell Jeff about it he's horrified. so he figures out his own methods–he sticks as close to Kent as possible while not overwhelming him, and he does his best to be Supportive

it is difficult to be supportive when the person you are Supporting does not want to be supported. so he does his research, and hits upon the perfect solution

he goes to the local pet shelter and asks for the most unlikely to be adopted kitten, because he knows that Kent has a soft spot for hopeless things

they give him a three month old Calico, blind and almost certainly headed to a shelter without a no kill rule

Jeff: ......I'll take it

Kent is baffled and enchanted. Jeff really thought it'd be harder to sell this to Kenny, but Kent's holding squirmy, curious little kit, already babytalking to her, asking her if she knows what a pretty princess she is, yes you are, aren't you and Jeff has a second where he thinks Oh, shit

bc this more humanity and interest than Kent has shown in almost a month, and then Kent is turning to Jeff to ask him questions about raising cats that Jeff didn't even know were a concern, but clearly this is making Kent happy, so Jeff gives him a book he'd picked up at the recommendation of the volunteer at the shelter, and drives Kent helplessly to the pet store and watches as Kent buys cat shit off Amazon

Kent doesn't realise she's blind, at first. kit (Jeff named her) has large golden eyes that are permanently dilated. Kent only figures out she's blind when he's sitting on the floor watching her toddle around, and she keeps walking into his outstretched legs. Kent calls Jeff in a panic, asking him if he knows what's with kit's eyes, and Jeff thinks I knew I was forgetting something

and then he explains the situation to Kent, and Kent reacts exactly the way Jeff expected him to–with a sudden fierce dedication to kit, even more so than ten minutes ago when he would have died for her

Kent cat-proofs his house–he pours a lot of time and money into getting everything exactly right so Kit needn't suffer more than necessary. he lavishes Kit with all the love he's capable of–and he's always capable of a lot more love than he thinks–and makes sure that everyone coming to his house knows that one move that frightens Kit is more than enough to get them banned

so Kent pours himself heart and soul into loving kit. he spends every second he isn't on the ice taking care of his beloved baby princess

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

and it's incredibly healing. he knows he has to get up in the morning and come back after runs (not walk into traffic) and that he has to get done on the ice so he can come back to her

there's a period of like, six months, where the only reason Kent does anything at all is because kit needs him to. and he won't let himself think about how Jeff could also maybe take care of her. he won't.

his mom's rehab clinic is expensive but ridiculously intensive and extensive. it's almost 14 months of rehab and therapy and relearning hire to be a person without addiction, as well as working through whatever led you to seek addiction in the first place

Diana Parson comes out of it changed. she feels more like a person than ever before in her life. she feels whole, healed still, but so much better

so she goes back home, and Kent is in Vegas depressed as fuck, and his mom is in New York living for herself, and doing things she loves, and discovering herself outside of therapy

she comes back home at a time when it's incredibly difficult for Kent to do even basic things like have a conversation. so all through the season, he doesn't visit her and he can't even summon up the guilt.

and her therapist tells her it's okay, that he needs time too. and she loves him and she gives him the time she needs, but she also decides that she's stable enough to foster a child

which goes well! Lydia is 7 and slightly untrusting but Diana has patience and love and she's been reading and she's financially stable and she has time (ask things she didn't have with Kent). she has time to ask Lydia how her day went. time to play and talk and do bonding activities with just the two of them

and soon enough she and Lydia love each other so much! and they have rough times but they get through it.

the season ends. and the aces lose. and Kent is probably even worse than before. and someone suggests that since the aces will no longer be in town to make sure that Kent buys groceries/stays a person, hey you should go visit your mom!

so Kent, depressed and hating himself, gets to watch his mom get her big second chance

and he tries do hard not to be bitter but it's killing him. he keeps wondering what his life would be like if he were Lydia. if he had a financially stable supportive mom. and he can't blame his mom so he blames himself

he blames himself for needing more than she could give him. because she did her best and she raised a pro NHL player and he doesn't have any right to expect more

and one night it gets so bad that drives himself to Jeff's place

this would be okay but Jeff actually lives in Canada

he's just. in this place where Jeff is the only person that Kent knows won't hurt him

and he's so, so tired

and Jeff, chilling with his family, suddenly has an armful of distraught sleep-deprived Captain

and he's just like ......sorry I gotta take this

Kent knows where Jeff lives bc he's been there at least once before

and Kent just. breaks down. he cries for hours. and Jeff can't do anything except drag Kent up to his room and cuddle him while he cries and pet his hair. Kent cries himself to sleep, but he wakes up with Jeff wrapped around him and there's like, 14 seconds where he just feels safe and good because Jeff's there and hugging him in bed so something somewhere must have gone right

anyway Kent wakes up and gets dressed with Jeff hovering gently over him, knocking into him once in a while to make sure he's okay

(like when cats wind around your feet because they're excited to see you. except they might trip you up. the issue w Jeff is that he is Big)

he finds his phone in some weird corner of his car and plugs it in. and finds out that he has 200+ missed calls from his mom

because his mom doesn't have the numbers of any teammates she can call and she's been so worried and he feels Horrible for Being This Way

so he calls her. and she picks up on the second ring and she's been having panic attacks and flashbacks for 4 days and she doesn't remember parts of her therapy

so she yells at him. and Kent is still way too fragile to handle this but he also has to do this? and he just. panics

mother-son bonding via hyperventilating to each other on a phone line

but Jeff gets so mad on Kent's behalf, and pulls the phone out of Kent's hand and cuts the call.

but then he feels guilty so he sends her a quick text message to let her know that Kent is safe and he'll call when he feels better

and the next few days are just Jeff hugging Kent and Kent wearing Jeff's clothes everywhere because he didn't bring his own

and when they kiss it's just so natural? Kent stops hiding how much he wants Jeff. it's too much work. and Jeff is close to Kent almost all the time. and they're so stupidly in love that Jeff's older brother walks into them making out against the kitchen counter and moon walks back out

they make out for so long that every member of Jeff's family sees them and walks back out.

[builder051]

Come to me now and rest your head part 11: 4th of July (MCU Captain America fanfic)

This is part 11 of a 15-chapter fic about Bucky’s return and recovery, as told through a year’s worth of rough holidays. Not every chapter will be emeto, but all have some form of physical illness or mental health struggle that could be categorized as sickfic or whump.

We are in powers/no powers choose-your-own-adventure.

This is a remix of Stay with me, we’ll take the night, now all from Bucky’s perspective.

Contains migraine, ptsd/panic attacks, and vomiting.

_________________________________________________________________

On Steve’s birthday, Bucky’s desperate to be normal.  He wants to give Steve one day to celebrate and not be dragged down with Bucky’s problems.

They’d arranged to have a barbecue.  Nothing crazy, just their little circle of friends gathered at the townhouse for hamburgers and hotdogs and the view of the fireworks display on the National Mall. Though from their distance, it would be more like the view of a postage stamp.

Steve keeps saying kind things like you don’t have to, and Bucky keeps saying that he’s fine.  He’s well aware that, really, he’s not, but that’s beside the point.  Bucky’s been feeling alright physically.  The nightmares are no more or less than usual.  He hasn’t had a panic attack since May.  When Sam gave him the brief low-down on depression, he’d said it’s common.  It happens to a lot of people.  And it probably doesn’t keep them from hosting birthday parties for their significant others.

Steve’s taken off on his bike to pick up provisions from the grocery store, and Bucky’s making himself lunch.  He spreads mayonnaise and mustard on bread, carefully lines up turkey slices, and adds a piece of iceberg lettuce.  Bucky assembles the sandwich and cuts it in half before washing the knife and giving the kitchen a tidy.  Finally, he takes his plate to the table to munch while he re-reads the article on Egyptian mummies he’s bookmarked in his newly-subscribed Smithsonian magazine.

Bucky only gets through half his sandwich before a headache starts stealing his appetite and screwing his concentration.  He’s peering at a photograph of hieroglyphics from the inner walls of one of the pyramids, but somehow his mind’s showing him visions of busy Arabic-speaking marketplace folks falling at the end of his rifle.  And the sound…it’s as if he’s right there, hearing the shots and feeling the recoil.

But, no.  He’s in the townhouse.  Eating lunch.  Reading his magazine.

Bucky’s not hungry anymore.  He takes his plate to the counter and digs in the drawer for a roll of cling wrap.  He tears off a sheet with hands that are starting to shake and is halfway to draping it over the sandwich remnants when Bucky’s mind fires him another gunshot and he jerks to one side, the plastic sticking to itself and becoming useless.

He’s opening the cupboard under the sink, but can’t remember why.  Then Bucky reaches for the radio, but he doesn’t know the number for the station he wants.  His head’s throbbing and his vision’s blurry and he’s not sure how he makes it to the couch, but it’s a relief to have the soft upholstery under his face.

Eventually, there’s the sound of the front door scraping open.  The rustling of plastic bags.  The fridge opening and closing.  Then, Steve’s voice.  “Buck?”

Bucky exhales loudly by way of response.

Steve’s footsteps approach, and he murmurs, “Hey.”  Bucky can feel his hand hovering millimeters from his own fingers.  “Can I touch you?” Steve whispers.

Bucky breathes out again to give consent.

“Ok,” Steve rubs his back.  “You’re safe, ok?  You’re with me.”

Feeling somewhat grounded, Bucky rolls to face Steve and squint at him.  It seems a lot brighter in the living room than it was when he first lay down.

“Hey,” Steve says.

“Hey,” Bucky echoes, trying not to let pain leach into his voice.

“What’s going on?”

“Head fucking hurts,” Bucky says.  “And I keep hearing shit…”

“Aw, babe,” Steve whispers sympathetically.  “It’s the kids across the street.  They’re shooting off their fireworks already.  Probably breaking a million city ordinances…”

“Yeah, I figured,” Bucky says.  Internally, he’s raising his eyebrows with sudden comprehension.  He’d forgotten that people…do that.  He doesn’t want to sound stupid, so he says the first (stupid) thing that comes to mind.  “I think I broke the radio.”

Steve looks back to the kitchen.  “It might be ok,” he says.  “The tuner’s just knocked off, I think.  Were you looking for your station?”

“Yeah,” Bucky mutters.  “Every station’s playing fucking Justin Bieber.”  It’s his standby joke for why he prefers classic rock to pop hits.  He’s not actually sure what the speakers are spitting under the fuzz.

Steve laughs, but it’s drowned out with another sizzling boom.

Bucky curls into a fetal position, trying to discern whether the sound came from outside or inside his head.

“It’s ok,” Steve soothes.  “It’s those damn asshole kids.”

Bucky nods and keeps his eyes shut.

“Do you still want your music?  Or would that bother your head?”

“Yeah.  Music,” Bucky grunts out.  That’ll give him something to focus on.

“Ok, I’ll get the radio fixed up here…”  Steve pats his shoulder.

A few seconds later, Patty Smyth is filling the room.

Shootin at the walls of heartache

Bang, bang

I am the warrior…

“This ok?” Steve asks

“Fine,” Bucky says.

A second later, “Can I put this away?  Your lunch?”

“Yeah,” Bucky answers.  “Cling wrap’s broken too.”

He lays there, slightly dazed, mentally repeating each word of the song to keep himself focused on something he knows is real.

Then Steve’s back beside him.  “Hey, Buck, we don’t have to do this.”

“Hm?”

Steve sighs.  Explains it could be better to cancel the party.

“No,” Bucky says, propping himself up on his stump arm.  “It’s your birthday.  I’m gonna be fine.”  His head throbs, and he scrubs his hand over his eyebrows.

“Hey, if you’re not feeling good—“

“I’ll be fine.”  Bucky comes up to a seated position and slouches into the couch cushions.  “We’ve got time.”  He squints at the clock, but he can’t read the numbers, so he flicks his gaze out the window instead.

Another loud pop sounds, and Bucky feels the color drain from his face as pain and nausea solidify into a lump in his throat.  “Yeah, maybe I’ll just go to bed for a while.”  He gets unsteadily to his feet and heads for the stairs.

“Can I get you anything?  Excedrin?” Steve asks.

“No, just keep on, whatever you’re…” He loses his train of thought.  “I’ll be fine.”

Bucky closes the bedroom door and flops onto the mattress, curling onto his side and burying his face in Steve’s pillow.

Maybe he sleeps for a while, but Bucky can’t be sure.  He does know that the next time he’s aware, he’s struggling to flee.  He’s under fire, he can hear the enemy gunshots, and somehow he’s weaponless…

Bucky pushes the window open, pops out the screen, and parkours his way down the dusty white siding to the ground below.  He dashes behind a bank of bushes for cover and tries to decide whether the desire to run or vomit is more urgent.

I need to go back home.  Back to Steve, Bucky thinks.  But then suddenly he’s in the park and all the Frisbee-playing dads look like enemy operatives, so he gives in to the distraction and jumps a fence to take cover.  But then he’s in somebody’s yard, and he has to jump the fence again, and by that time he’s so fucking dizzy he has to sit down on the edge of the sidewalk until he hears another loud noise and the cycle starts again.

It’s almost dark when Bucky finally can’t go on anymore.  He's standing in the vacant lot beside a strip of stores and restaurants, holding the wall of the pizza place and puking into the dirt, almost blind and completely concussed.  He’s about to fall (and probably lose consciousness) when all of a sudden there’s a little high-pitched voice bobbing around his waist and interfering with his hallucinations.

“Are you sick?  Are you ok?  What’s wrong with you?”

But Bucky’s got the song stuck in his head, over the backbeat of explosions…

Shootin at the walls of heartache…

“Do you need a doctor?”

Bang, bang…

“Does your arm hurt?”

I am the warrior…

What was the question?  “No, my fucking head…”  Wait, he’s not supposed to cuss around kids.  Is this a kid?

“Is that why you barfed?”  Definitely a kid.

God, how do you explain a goddamn migraine to a kid?  It turns out, you don’t.  “Yeah,” Bucky croaks, jamming his thumb into his eye as if that will actually bring his vision back.

Somebody’s yelling.  Bucky cringes.

“What’s your name?”

“James.”

Somebody else is yelling.

I am the warrior…

No, somebody’s talking.  He missed something.  “Huh?”

“Are you a homeless vet?” the kid asks.

Bucky doesn’t get it.  He inches his head around to look at her, but he can only get a silhouette.  She repeats herself, and Bucky cobbles together an answer.  “No.  Well, kind of.  I have a home.”  He really feels like he’s going to throw up again.

“You should go home,” she suggests.

“Yeah, well…” It turns into a muddled explanation of the birthday party and Steve and…things.  Bucky's sensitive about his relationship, but to the little girl, blissfully growing up in post Obergefell v. Hodges America, everything seems fine.

Another explosion sounds, and Bucky cowers under his arm.  "Jesus...Fuck."

"It's just a firework," the little girl informs.  

Bucky's overwhelmed with relief that she can hear it too.  "God, I know.  But it hurts.  Makes me remember bad shit.  Stuff."  It's painfully obvious he doesn't know how to behave around kids.

"Like, war?" the girl asks.  She rattles off an incomplete list of different historical military events, none of which captures Bucky's past.  But, the sentiment and baseline knowledge are definitely there.

Bucky nods.  

Then she pipes up again, but more somber this time.  "Is that how you lost your arm?"

Bucky can feel her hovering inches from his stump shoulder, and in a burst of confused inspiration, he says, "You can touch it."

He half expects her to recoil and run away.  But the little girl softly runs her fingers down the sleeve of Bucky's T-shirt and across the scarred flesh beneath.  Then they stay quiet for a few minutes.

Bucky can hear running footsteps.  Evacuating civilians?  Advancing enemies?  Bucky raises his head and peels his aura-stricken eyes open to see a couple of kids, maybe a little older than the girl, running around with sparklers.  He suddenly remembers Steve's explanation of "asshole kids with fireworks" from earlier, and Bucky's torn between oh, them and maybe they're not so bad.

The kid follows Bucky's gaze and explains that they're her brothers.  Then she asks, "What's your boyfriend's name?"

Bucky tells her.

"Does he love you?"  This is getting profound.

"Yeah..."

"With one arm?"

"...Yeah..."

"Then he's gonna love you even though you got sick on his birthday."  

It's so lame and cute and perfect that Bucky almost laughs when he says, "Yeah.  I know."

The big brothers are yelling at their sister again, trying to get her to come light a sparkler.  Bucky tries to shake her off, tells her to go play.

She goes for a moment, but then she's back with a sparkler for Bucky as well.

They watch the goldish sparks fly in the early darkness.  Then Bucky hears, from a ways down the sidewalk, "Buck!"

It's Steve.  He's there in a second, and Bucky gives the girl his sparkler so he can stand up and stumble into Steve's chest.

Steve makes sure he's ok, then holds Bucky while he calls Sam.  Bucky remembers again that they have houseguests.  Shit.

Bucky tries to apologize, and the little girl tries to explain to Steve all of what's happened, and then Sam and Nat and Clint and Laura and Tony and Pepper and seemingly everyone Bucky knows is gathered around him saying soothing things and patting him on the back.  Laura manages to grab Bucky by the shoulders, feel his temperature, and force him to admit he still feels like shit.  She makes him sit down, take Excedrin, and drink some water.

They all sit in the dirt, like they're around a nonexistent campfire, and giggle at nothing for a while.

Then the booming starts up again, but it's more muted and distant.  Like rolling thunder.  It's the fireworks display on the National Mall, tiny and far away from their suburb.  Steve pats Bucky's shoulder and asks him if he needs to go home.

Bucky does, but not right away.  He wants to watch the show.  And wish Steve a happy birthday.

The first time Bucky and Steve host a party, they end up sitting in a vacant lot late into the night.  And they can't say it's completely not enjoyable.

[em-the-kid]

I was tagged by @sleepylittlevixen and I’m just now getting to this !! 

Tag 10 people you wanna get to know better: @thelittlekit @poutykittenbaby @littlealpacacutie @daddys-saltine @daddys-petite-princesse @beebgirly @chubbybabypeach @mochadolly  (aaaaa i can only think of 8 but pls do this if you want :v)

Are you a Tricker or a Treater: i used to be a treater but now i just buy all the candy i want and then eat it at home, watching a live stream of games  💖

What’s your inner demon: in reality? like my indecisiveness probably 

What monster would you be: i’m gonna go with what vixie said and be a siren. oooh that’d be dope

How would you be in a horror movie: very scared all the time but doesn’t show it, would also just keep running and probably die because i got tired of running

Are you easily scared: due to my ptsd, sudden jumps, loud noises, and the dark terrify me but other than that, i can remain calm

What are you afraid of: being put in a really bad and scary place again. abandonment is also my biggest fear

Nurture or Torture: nurture because i have natural maternal instincts (ironic, right?)

What scared you when you were young: knives. they still do lmao.

Any near death experience: when i was like 5 or 6, this dude was speeding and didn’t stop in the parking lot and my mother (not being the best) had me on her left side (towards the cars) and i almost got hit

Walk in mysterious liquid or mysterious Forest: liquid, man. what if i get powers?

What is the worse thing possible: abandonment. its honestly terrifying to think that i have so many friends right now and they could just ???? leave at any given moment ?? 

You go with your heart or brain: brain. i listen to my heart, but i know my brain is right if my heart could get me in trouble.

You like your room dim or bright: dim

Who would kill you, your mum or dad: this is kinda weird and out of nowhere???

Evilest thing you ever done: ooooH! i’m not gonna answer with the super negative one but the funny evil thing i’ve done is flirt with my old daddy while knowing he was trying to get some other girl and he said he had no feelings for me (bet). i was madly still in love with him, ok? lmao (she ended up being super toxic and abusive anyhow)

What did you dress up as last year: A baby ballerina !! It was actually the first time current daddy and I had hung out outside of school

Anything bad happened to you lately: got my period during school in the morning of me and daddy’s ten monthiversary :))) i was also really sick and had to go home immediately

What is your favorite candy or snack: York peppermint patties and Andes

What Villain would you date: le fou but only bc he’s such a sweetheart and doesn’t deserve the treatment he gets even though he is very gay for gaston

What is your biggest flaw: my obsession with someone i cannot love and who will never really be a part of my life anymore :///

Favorite scary movie/game: Until Dawn is my fav spooky game because it’s just so “!!!!” Either that or Among the Sleep. It’s so sad and atmospheric and too damn relatable

What do you find sick: boys thinking anyone owes them anything sexual

Are you a demon or an angel: demon bc i do psychologically evil things sometimes and play it off as sweet and innocent

Random thing about you: half puerto rican 

Describe your one or some favorite bloggers as a monster: @littlealpacacutie is like a hug monster??? idk but when i see her blog, i just think “i bet she’s a cuddle monster” bc shes just so cute and loveable and like, how could you turn down a hug from the monster