#i feel a little better lately... now i'm just 🦊🔪

[adlamu]

meddwl meddwl (somewhat positive edition)

i was talking to a friend of mine about how i've been feeling lately (see: previously on... meddwl meddwl posts) and i think a lot of the problem i've been having is that a) i'm autistic so i don't understand why people wanted to ragebait me about my "special interest" (god, christ i hate that term), aside from me being too overexcited about it and my tone being off-centre/too serious/too intense, b) my forgetting that people tend to be less nice than they appear (because, yknow, i'm autistic and i tend to be more optimistically trusting than i probably should be), and c) the idea of my age possibly being an issue - which, in any fandom is normal and i can usually ignore it, but when it's compounded with the fact that '30yos shouldn't act that way, idc if you're autistic' is a thing (mostly allistic/non-autistic) people genuinely think, it makes me an unknowing target for that kind of ableism (according to my friend).

my reaction to what happened is one of 'oh. again? cool. cool cool cool.' because it's happened so frequently to me growing up undiagnosed/not knowing i'm autistic, and heartbreak because i thought i was making friends and bonding over [tHiNg] (which before, was kinda impossible due to Other reasons i've talked about here before, but won't get into rn) when it appears that i wasn't. i was being made fun of behind my back. i was being shown trap lures (which i only got snagged by once) that were designed to make me go 'uhm ackshually ☝️🤓' (when in all likelihood, i would've been like 'maaaaan, idk abt that >.< /gen' or 'i think [person related to tHiNg] said otherwise, though i can't remember where and what the exacts were rn but i can check >.< /gen' and then probably, accidentally, looped through some mini infodumps). if one member of that particular party hadn't fessed up and apologised in a direct message to me, i wouldn't have known anything about it at all.

the positive end of this is that now that i've talked to one of my friends of seven years, and they've broken it down for me in a way i understand better, i'm far more likely to try being myself again. partly, like my existence, out of spite; partly because i refuse to be made to feel so small and stupid because of my nd brain being the way it is because i am sick to the back teeth of feeling like that. it's been 30 years of feeling like that and i'm tired of that, so i refuse to let it weigh me down so heavily. if i can't be authentically myself (autism and manic depression included), what the fuck can i be? nobody.

i'm done with being made to feel guilty about who i am and how i exist the way that i was built.

tl;dr: had a chat with a friend of mine about recent feelings re: a thing that happened to me + now i'm less sad but more determined to allow myself to be myself because Fuck people for making me feel shitty.