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zealynstan · 5 years ago

Conversation

Unlabeled Interview Transcript Part 1

I decided to write a transcript of the interviews and podcast Zealyn was in because why not. And also this is 98% accurate because I had to remove the constant umms and uhhs and I couldn't hear what she's saying at some of the parts on the interview.

Here's the link to watch the interview;

[https://www.facebook.com/Isabelle.Music/videos/326978841292299/]

*Interview starts with something about The Killing of a Sacred Deer*

Isabelle: Hi everybody!

Zealyn: Hello.

Isabelle: And welcome to the Unlabeled podcast episode 4. My wonderful friend, Zealyn, is here and I couldn't be happier because this girl is such a force. She's one of the few artists that I know personally that I am such a huge fan of. She is one of the most incredible performers I know. And she's just electrifying. Like I said, not because she's a friend but because she's the real deal over here.

Zealyn: Aww shucks.

Isabelle: Umm... So Zealyn was on American Idol. She came in third place, second runner up. I'm sure a lot of you have seen her beautiful face. And we actually met on that season. And she had a really huge-

Zealyn: It's the good times

Isabelle: What did you say?

Zealyn: It's the good times. Meeting you. Absolutely.

Isabelle: Good times meeting you. We were such different people then. Boy.

Zealyn: Oh my goodness. Yeah. Six years ago, right?

Isabelle: 2012? 13? 2013? Wow, I feel old. Oh my god. She's so much younger than me. Umm... But she had huge success on the show and she came off and umm... when she came off, I think she really figured out how she was as an artist. And, uh... she's just incredible so if you haven't heard her music, you should definitely go check it out. All of her links are in my little description over there. But when the show is over, let's start from... kinda... from the show ended, how were you feeling when the show ended and what did you say once all of the craziness was gone and you said, "Alright, I need to figure out the next step. I wanna figure out who I am as an artist." What did you do from there?

Zealyn: Umm... Well, of course, being an 18-19 year old on national tv with millions of people watch. I mean, you know, course, I felt so on top of the world and so important and like it totally went all to my head for sure I thought I was awesome. And I thought everything is gonna be so easy. I think that... Everything is made to look so easy. Umm... And so, when it ended and I got back home, I was just like, "Wow what? What? What do I do? I just... I had no idea." You realize how quickly the show does not show you at all what the actual music industry is like. Cause the show, it's just a reality tv show. It is not the music industry.

Isabelle: So those singers who are like, "I'm gonna go on a television show and I'll be a huge success!" Well, we hope you had a vision for after that show.

Zealyn: Yeah! If you don't know what it takes to release music and get out there and put yourself out there, I mean, there's so much more to it than writing a song. And yeah, so I thought everything's gonna be super easy and realize very quickly that I had no idea what I was doing. And, my management at the time wasn't doing anything for me, they just kinda wanna make me to this, I don't know, pop person.

Isabelle: Pop. Yeah.

Zealyn: I remember being in a meeting with like, the head umm... I don't know, CEO or whatever, I don't even know, one of the head guys at Lava Records and he's just like, "So, what kind of artist do you wanna be?". And I'm like, "Umm... I like pop-rock." Like I had no idea, I felt so uncomfortable.

Isabelle: Would anyone ever ask you that question? It's the weirdest question because you just wanna be like, "press play." and be like, "This is my music. This is what I wanna do." And sometimes it doesn't fit into a box. Sometimes, it's just you and sometimes the- you know.

Zealyn: Oh, for sure. Especially at that time, especially everyone on the show, most everyone is younger than 21. Most of the people on the show are 18 to 24-ish and none of us know who we are as an artist and we're singing in front of millions of people, pretending like we know who we are. And we don't. Anyways, so I just.. I didn't wanna wait around for a label. I didn't wanna wait to have like, the deal and be a popstar. I just.. I couldn't do it anymore and so I umm... I called up, or email or something, the management at the time through the American Idol management. And was just like, "Hey, I don't wanna wait around for a label, so I'm gonna release an EP independently." And I got a call the next day-

Isabelle: Ooh! That made them call you.

Zealyn: Yeah. I got a call the next day and like, "Hey, so we see that you're really passionate about this and we're not so we're gonna let you go."

Isabelle: Wow! That's how it happened?

Zealyn: It's literally how it happened and they just called up and I was like, "Oh! Okay! Umm... Bye!"

Isabelle: That's probably you were not expecting.

Zealyn: No. So I was crying because it was weird but I was happy. It was like the weirdest happy sad moment. It was super weird.

Isabelle: Well, that's because as an artist, a contract is the last thing you've ever expect here. You never expect them to be like, "Okay, if that's what you wanna do then like, go ahead." Cause normally, it's like, "We own you and you have to do what we say."

Zealyn: Totally. Yeah.

Isabelle: But that's incredible that first of all, you said, "Alright, well you know, I'm gonna do my own thing" because most people just sit and wait because they felt so much reliance on a bigger power to make them something.

Zealyn: Yeah. True. Very true. I feel very lucky that I had people in my life that were saying like, "Don't wait around for them, just do your own thing." And I'm very glad I got that advice.

Isabelle: Yeah. Cause well, you're just a strong person too.

Zealyn: Oh thanks.

Isabelle: And you are- even on Idol, you were younger and you know, I think you and I have actually had breakfast one morning, I don't know if you remember that. Do you remember that?

Zealyn: At the place across the street.

Isabelle: IHOP or something.

Zealyn: Yeah. I forget if it was Denny's or IHOP.

Isabelle: Maybe it was Denny's. And uhh... And we, I think we didn't know each other really well at that point. And we are saying like where we're from and everything and you were like, you know, "Well, I'm 18." And at the time, I was like 22. You were like, "I'm 18 and you know, I don't know like I wanna do music when this is over. Like you know, I don't wanna go to college. I wanna like do music and move to LA..." You were always just ready to go.

Zealyn: I was probably so annoying.

Isabelle: No! I loved it because nothing was gonna hold you back. And to me, it was even innocence and it wasn't that you didn't understand. It was that you saw the magic and you saw the excitement. And every time you stepped on stage, especially when I was there and I could witness you, my eyes couldn't come off of you because you were just ready to go. There was no fear there. It wasn't like most people in the competition were like, "I'm so nervous." You were like, "Come on let's go." And I love that about you because I wish I had had more of that. Even when I was 18, that's a hard thing to have.

Will post part 2 later.

#Zealyn #Interview #Transcript #Isabelle #Unlabelled #Podcast #American Idol #2019 #Angie Miller

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lunebinnie · 6 years ago

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(1/11)Oh my gosh yesss I'm glad that you like long messages too because I talk way too much 😂 (And yeah about my friend and just hanging out w/ her more that's exactly what I was thinking 😂) It's actually kind of funny bc just yesterday I was hanging out at her house and her younger brother needed to go to Walmart and I was like 'I've been meaning to go to Walmart, I'll take you' and ofc since I have a bluetooth radio adapter the whole drive I had my Spotify going with some quality k-bops, lol

2)And as we were driving I noticed him kind of jamming and I was like 'Oh my god Mickey do you actually like this???' And he was Like 'yeah, these are some good bops 👍' I was shooketh. I had to go home before I had the chance to show him any music videos but he says he's open to watching some with me next time I see him. One way or another I'm going to turn someone in my social circle into a kpop fan you mark my words ☝ and then maybe we can team up and try to work on his sister some more 😂

3)I only started first getting into kpop last June so I'm still very new, but it's definitely super frustrating how so many ppl act like it's an inherently bad or cringey genre of music just bc it's kpop! The stigma is ridiculous! I also started out with BTS (lol) and since they're pretty popular in the US at least I was able to be like 'See, this isn't just a niche thing, lots of people know abt and like this group' but of course my dad still says 'Just cause it's popular doesn't make it good'

4)And I'm like? You're a band teacher, you of all people should understand that music doesn't have to be in your native language (or even have lyrics) in order for you to enjoy it, but go off I guess... It's the same with one of my college friends. They make fun of me for liking kpop but this is coming from some who still treats March 22nd (the day My Chemical Romance broke up) as a day of mourning. Like, no tea no shade no pink lemonade, MCR was a good band nothing wrong with liking them.

5)But like if you're 22 and you still haven't grown out of your emo phase do you really have room to pick on other people for their music taste? 🤷 Anyway that's the person who follows my main that I didn't want to know I had a kpop sb. I think I made it around July. Tbh it was pretty dead for most of 2018. But like I said I've started using it way more since I recently revealed that it exists, lol. Especially since that good good Astro cb 👏💗😩 But honestly Astro is such a blessing

6)Idk how I lived so long w/o them. When I first got into kpop I was planning on just sticking to BTS since the reaction to me being into kpop was so volatile. I was like 'I'm only into one group, ppl already are negative about me liking kpop so I'm just gonna stick to this and not become a full on multifandom fan' and then in Nov I accidentally let myself fall in love with Monsta X and that plan was foiled. And realizing I wasn't gonna be able to stick to just one anymore opened the floodgates

7)And I was like okay in that case, let's just start getting into *all groups* Lol. My story of getting into Astro was actually bc of my best friend's roommate (can you tell I have like one friend and my whole social circle kinda revolves around her? Lol) so this roommate when she heard me being sad about having no kpop friends was like 'oh hey, I'm kinda into kpop' and it turns out she didn't like very many groups and was one of the ppl who blah blah BTS is overrated, which ya know isn't ideal8)But I was just really desperate to have someone to talk about kpop with. And Astro was her favorite so I was like, okay I'll get into them so that I have something to talk about with her! So I started watching some videos and I fell in love with them pretty much instantly! And I was real excited bc #1 now I can talk about kpop with someone! And #2 this group is actually amazing? Bonus! ... And then they got in a big fight about their living conditions and the roommate ended up moving out RIP

9)So that didn't work out, lol (Your story about finding them during that internship sounds amazing though! Haha) But yeah, so this is my first cb too! And although I love them w/ my whole heart and would have loved to have them in my life even sooner what an amazing cb to be your first! The concept was wonderful, the album was excellent, the visuals were to *die* for. They worked so hard and I'm so proud of them and I'm so happy we got to see their work come to fruition and get them a win 🤧🤧

10)The dance practices though? You're so right omg 💗 Me and my Rocky bias *fully* understand 😂 All of them are such good dancers?? I never fail to be impressed. Of course you know who I always end up watching tho 👀 lol (̶i̶f̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶l̶f̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶R̶o̶c̶k̶y̶'̶s̶ ̶f̶o̶o̶t̶w̶o̶r̶k̶ ̶I̶ ̶w̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶a̶l̶m̶o̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶y̶ ̶a̶s̶ ̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶e̶y̶e̶s̶.̶.̶.̶)̶ ̶ I also love how at the end they always pause all dramatic for a minute and then start screaming 😂

11)It's like? Amazing talent *and* dorky personalities? What more could you ask for? Lol. In regard to your last question though Unfortunately I also won't be able to see them 😔 I live in the smack middle of the US and since they're only going to coasts all of the venues are way too far away to get to. Esp since it's the school year and I can't skip class to drive cross country for a concert much as I'd like to (Holy lord I talked over twice as much?? Why am I like this?) Talk again soon! -ASA

Okay SO I’m very sorry I haven’t had the time to answer everything until now bc I’ve been busy studying for midterms and also I was a lil trashy today since my uni closed bc of freezing rain so I slept in but I’m glad that FINALLY everything got sent like damn tumblr you really don’t want us making friends huh.

Yessssss I love the feeling of seeing someone else also get into the same interests! I’ve been pretty lucky in the sense that I grew up around mostly other asian americans, so kpop was never something that was considered super “weird,” like some people were into it and some weren’t but even if you weren’t you still would’ve been familiar with the more popular groups from when you were younger. Even now, I have a bunch of friends also into kpop (one of them is even my roommate) so tbh I was definitely the one in my friend group late to the party aha. Even my university hosts kpop nights at our bar and I’m pretty sure we have a kpop dance team as well? So tbh if I met someone new there’s probably like a 50% chance they’re into kpop or at least listen casually.

Tbh I used to be a little bit judgy too but moreso because of the obscene amount of money I’ve seen some of my friends spend (no joke one of my friends has spent probably like $500+ on Loona stuff in the past month and a half and another friend bought like 5 copies of the same album for herself like damn idk how do you have that much money).

I also really don’t like it when people bash other people’s music tastes, since I feel like it’s something so personal? Idk but for a long time I used to be really self conscious about sharing my music with other people and even now I feel like that sometimes. For me after getting into BTS I kind of expected to get really into other groups since I was in Korea anyway and I was already listening to a lot of other artists casually. For me it started with NU’EST (fell for them immediately at the same concert that I saw Astro at) and then after was Astro, and then I just started slowly getting into other groups after that (even though I haven’t totally been able to get into Got7′s music they’re SO funny and I just kinda fell for their personalities you know).

I honestly think that they did such a wonderful job with this comeback too! I like seeing their concept evolve and mature but they’re not straying too far from their original cute concept so I feel like it’s a nice middle ground that’s very unique to them, you feel? Also I feel like the visuals especially and the execution of the whole plant concept was just done so well?? Even my friend who’s not in kpop was like “k idk who they are but that was the prettiest music video I’ve ever seen”. What are your favourite eras and songs? For me I’d have to say either the Spring Up or Baby era BUT right now my favourite song is probably Again/Should’ve Held On though tbh my mood and my tastes change like every few weeks loool.

I have no idea why I tend to be most attracted to the dances rather than vocals or rap (maybe has to do with the fact that it’s something I’ve always wished I could do but have always been bad at lmao). But Astro’s stood out to me for the exact same reason! I just thought it was so funny seeing them all break character at the end because you really get to see how hard their choreos are and you get a glimpse of their personalities like damn, how can you not stan these dummies?

That’s really unfortunate that you won’t get to see them either :/ They’re also coming to the closest city to me but it’s on a Tuesday, but I *hypothetically* looked up flight prices and tried to see if I could get away with just missing a day of classes if I flew back in the middle of the night since I have some friends who did the same thing and drove down to Buffalo but I seem to have underestimated the size of New York State LMAO. But apparently my university’s too far from the airport so it’s “not realistic” (and also I’m hella broke from travelling to Taiwan and Japan while I was in Korea but that’s a minor issue ig). I hope we do both get a chance to see them live though! Who knows, after the success of this comeback I’m expecting a lot more cbs and world tours out of them ;)

#asa #Anonymous

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uwugenides · 7 years ago

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Thanks for the detailed breakdown that was seriously well explained! What did you think of the Black Panther movie? I watched it recently and still have mixed feelings about some of the racial undertones in there, I mean it's great to have a superhero movie with an "all black cast" but why should that matter? Shouldn't we be judging the movie based on how it made us feel & whether or not the story was good? BTW I'm no trying to instigate some sort of war here lol

Oh I’m glad it was a good explanation! And don’t worry, I totally get that you’re not trying to start anything, I don’t wanna create any discourse either.

I loved Black Panther. No, correction, I still love Black Panther, no past tense. It’s absolutely one of the most amazing Marvel movies I’ve ever seen and everything about it is wonderful. It does break the mold for marvel’s movies but I rather enjoyed that. If you go in expecting them to use the same formula they’ve been using since Thor came out then you’ll probably be disappointed.

Now as to how I feel on the importance of this movie I would like to stay first and foremost I’m not black. I am Native American, but even then I’m white passing. (I’m also Hebrew but I’m a lot less connected to that heritage so I don’t typically claim it just for the sake of simplicity.) So, my opinion on this movie really isn’t going to hold the same weight a black person’s would nor should it be treated as if it does.

Personally, I feel having an “all black cast” (quotation marks because there are two white minor characters in the main cast) is a really big deal. For a multitude of reasons. For starters, it’s not just about having a black cast, it’s about what the movie is about. Black Panther is a story about Africa. It’s a love letter to the culture and heritage and religion and literally everything about Africa. Wakanda, the fictional nation it is, is a country never invaded by colonizers, let alone white colonizers. So, yes maybe a movie talking about other areas of Africa may have a cast that wasn’t almost exclusively black, but that just doesn’t fit the narrative here. Throughout the film it’s repeated over and over how no foreigners have ever been in the county. Klaue is the only one to get in and come out alive. So, an African country never touched by outside civilizations would be really unlikely to have people of any other race.

Next we can look into the exclusivity of white casting in American films and tv shows. There have been so many cases of a show being pitched and you have, let’s say, two black actors try out for different leading roles on a sitcom with three main characters. The whole team behind the show love both of them! The issue? That’d be two black people on one show and they’re both main characters! Oh no! Now it’s less appealing to our demographic! So, despite the fact that these actors tried out for two separate roles, despite the fact that they were both received well and adored, the casting director will still deny one of them the job because if they cast them both then suddenly it’s a “black show.” As if suddenly the audience wouldn’t relate, despite the fact that all the other audiences have been persuaded into relating to characters that look nothing like them for decades!

Now, how does this relate to Black Panther? Well I’ll tell you! Black Panther, as stated above, is almost exclusively made up of black actors and a lot of the crew behind the scenes are also black. So, you have a movie based off a comic book character who wasn’t all that well known if we’re being honest, going into a demographic known for their hostility and harsh judgements against the smallest infractions, and then, this “black movie” does so well opening weekend that it beats out the top ten marvel movies by 3 times what they all made combined! So what does that do? That’s shows the execs and heads of these shows and movies that just because the majority of your cast isn’t white doesn’t suddenly equal failure or poor ratings.

If the goals is “color-blind casting” then we have to start first by showing these people that they’re going to be safe in casting more than two black people in a movie. Because most of them won’t do that otherwise.

And on top of all that Black Panther is a black story. It is. At the end of the day that’s what it is. It’s the story of a little boy abandoned by his people and raised in a society that hates him. This narrative just works all too well with Black American culture in specific. Erik Killmonger or N’Jadaka, as I’ve seen others say represents the anger. The feeling of true injustice. I can’t know the struggles of black people, but I do know that I get pissed when I remember that the Native population in America is so low that sometimes it’s not even added into the polls when showing demographics. So I can understand, to an extent, how it feels. And then, imagine from Erik’s perspective, you learn that the people who abandoned you have the resources to help? This also can play into the black American culture. I have seen time and time again promises being made to these people to help and they’re not carried through. They’re never carried through.

Black Panther is an African story from a nation never touched by foreigners so it wouldn’t make much sense to have many of the main cast be anything other can black. Black Panther is important to the civil rights of people of color and black people in specific. And lastly, Black Panther is a black story.

Sorry if this went a little off the rails. I have a lot to say about this movie.

#ask #spoonofconsciousness #black Panther #black Panther spoilers #bp spoilers

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vagabondpainter-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Catching up

It all is so far away now, counted as well in days as in weeks, in kilometers, in miles or in impressions, in encounters and insights, or measured by fruitless attempts to write this blog.

To catch up while still keeping this Text readable, I will shorten things, I will have to be unjust.

The people I met, friends I visited, friends I found, even strangers who gave advice or help before quickly disappearing again along the ever winding road, they all deserved more words of gratitude, the landscapes I've seen, the early morning mists, birdsong, rough hills and gentle streams, they are all worthy of poems, paintings, and some day hopefully I will find the rest to praise them rightly.

And about people, about friends: I will not talk in depth about them here, maybe some of the closest not even talk about at all or just mention briefly. That is because trust and friendship are sacred, I don't want anyone to have to worry about being displayed and evaluated here, or conversations being put on public display. That's why my tale will sound probably egocentric at times. Besides some points I take out of conversations I'm determined to keep this a blog only about the experiences and lessons I came across, to share and hopefully inspire, but leave people their privacy.

So informations about others I'll keep vague and brief except for some relevant points now and then if they are required as context.

For now it's these fragments, learned lessons and impressions:

1] The Kindness Of Strangers

The boat leaves in the late afternoon, yet I'm here already. It wasn't easy to say goodbye to friends. Its the moment when you painfully realize what you leave behind before you find the courage to let things go and to jump into an uncertain future. I'm grateful that there have been friends to be missed, friends waving when I left and many people, places and memories to cherish, so rather say 'Thank you' than 'Good bye'.

Now I'm here, not sure how to store a bicycle on the ferry, what to do and where to go. A fellow cyclist reassures me that everything will be ok and shows how to secure the bicycle before we part and enter the huts.

It is a smooth sailing on calm waters. I take position on the south side and watch, watch how Ijmuiden floats away, see Zandvoort passing in the distance, let memories rise out of the parting waves until much later the last dim reflection of the sun is swallowed by the darkness of the water.

Next morning I watch the sunrise from the front-deck before later slowly the shore of Britain appears on the horizon.

Back in the belly of the ship, bicycle is packed and we wait for permission to get on land. My fellow cyclist is here again and we find out that we worked in the same field, be it in different positions, until lately when I quit my job. Healthcare in general, and psychiatry in particular seems to struggle with the same problems on both sides of the water- lack of resources combined with an abundance of expectations and many self-declared specialists eagerly waiting on the sidelines to tell you how exactly you should do your job. I don't regret my step.

Soon we change the subject, talk about more uplifting things, like freedom, travels, cycling and living life.

I'm glad he offers to accompany me for the first few miles, show me the way and help me get accustomed to cycling on the left side of the road.

While traveling the shore, he realizes that my journey later would take me along the A1, the most dangerous and deadly road of Britain. Plans change and a bit later I find myself in a nice cozy house, greeted by a friendly dog. The family is gathered now, they brought dutch scones and there I am, arrived in Britain, eating dutch bread and being made welcome.. and grateful.

Later they even offer me a lift along the A1 so I can continue my journey quite a few miles north on a safe bicycle path.

Actually- actually I made a promise to myself when I gave up my home- to leave every place I visit a little bit nicer, tidier or kinder then I found it, be it a small bit within my powers only.

Yet here I am, receiving all this kindness and struggling to find a way to give a tiny thing at least.

A small contribution I might be able to make after all- the lady of the house is an artist and I hope to come back and spend some time, exchanging tips and knowledge about painting.

It won't really be able to repay the welcome, they didn't know how much it meant- this first encounter on the new path, a sense of home in the world out there.

2] Of Hunters, Vegans, Spiders, Flies, and Shamans too

For my first working assignment I arrive one or two days late.

The bicycle paths in Britain are made for leisure, not for means of transportation, to get from A to B, you sometimes get sent along the beautiful yet rough and rocky road uphill through E to G.

In the morning my host comes to town to give me a lift uphill so I don't need to climb up to the cottage. We soon find out a difference in lifestyle, that either might lead to conflict or to very interesting talks-

While I myself took up a vow years ago to restrain from eating or even using animal products, he is an outspoken and passionate hunter and skillful hunting guide.

Greeted by a friendly dog and a flock of even friendlier chickens I put up my hammock next to a cottage that has seen many years, some of them hard, now regaining its beauty under its tenants committed work.

Not only the growing vegetables outside provide some common ground to get along, we soon find out, as the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh once said: “If you wish to be understood, you should listen very carefully”

I put aside any prejudice and get a chance to actually learn- a hunter may just as much care about nature and all life in it as the convinced vegan.. not every hunter of course, some are in it for profit just as some vegans are in it for pride.

Those others, those on both sides who actually do care, more and more appear to me as devoted parents arguing about the best cure for their sick child. Later I will briefly encounter a native American shaman and will have to realize that those revered ancient cultures are hunters too.

And when I rescue a little spider after that the other day, it strikes me, how many other insects I might have sent to certain death by saving this one predator...

In the end it seems that our technological power has by far outgrown our human wisdom and it's estrangement from nature what deceives us to take extreme positions- on one side some are abusing sensible, breathing, childbearing live as if it where an industrial product, which makes us a parasite in the organs of life, while on the other side we might not interfere when necessary and so get complicit in catastrophes out of fear of causing individual harm, which is neglect of our responsibilities as intelligent life form.

Life is sustained by devouring itself in any form. In the complex web of interdependence I will continue to avoid harm, but I also learned to judge less those who are willing to intervene, it's the caring about nature, the respecting of life and the willingness to learn about them, what defines whether our actions are righteous and wise, there is not one answer that fits all circumstances.

3] Anam Cara

The path up north led me through the green hills of a land where all the places sound like echoes of long forgotten songs and ancient tales.

Shelters where ready, arranged by friends of a friend, all without expecting anything in return, just out of kindness, setup in beautiful places, the shore of a river, a comfortable trailer in a wide meadow with view on the distant chain of snowy hills, hosts welcoming the traveler, helping and showing me around, and I had to learn that sometimes all one has to offer in return is humble gratitude.

What a strange and beautiful paradise waits in the hills behind Inverness. Anam Cara is the retreat center I work and paint for here.

Lodges and huts are made of timber, stone, from large barrels and from caravans..

I sometimes get lost on the terrain, nothing here is put in a straight line, everything has grown naturally accordingly to the apparent conditions at the time.

It's a place just like its founders and inhabitants, a marriage of Buddhist Dharma and shamanic teachings, enforcing and helping each other by aiming at the same goal from different angles in perfect eclectic harmony.

4] Of Tunnels and Light

At Scottish Borders it is. We follow the shore along the stream, up in the hills, where a long abandoned railroad left its trail, and a tunnel between the trees.

Here, our kind host and guide tells us, many found an experience of transformation.

On a dark day in his life he decided for the first time to go inside.

With the courage of despair he had entered and faced inside this darkness that other darkness which at the time needed to be released. On the other side of the tunnel the light that welcomed him brought the beginning of the change to the better.

We are glad he 's willing to share the experience and I opt for walking first.

Beforehand it all sounded quite easy, just going inside the darkness alone without light and walking through, blindly, until the eyes capture a dim light from the other side.

Now in front of the big black hole amongst the green I doubt for a moment whether I really want to go in.

Threads of fog, hovering at the entrance, weave a mystical web. A chilly breeze greets me as if it where the breath of the earth.

One of the dogs accompanied me on my first steps towards the huge mouth that will swallow me in a moment, and for some time I have the impression the dog is still with me in the dark. I hear my own footsteps and feel this other presence right behind me. Later I learn the dog left me at the entrance already...

Once the darkness surrounds me completely and I should probably feel lost in the void, a deep calm sense of serene silence comes over me, a trust that whatever happens here, is supposed to be and is just perfect as it is. I wander in the timeless spaciousness, listening to my ever slower footsteps.

There is no hurry, no need anymore to get anywhere. While the feet calmly keep going I suddenly loose all intention to either stay or leave. Everything is just about now and now is exactly, perfectly well as it has to be.

Maybe due to a lack of external input, the sense of self dissolves into the black empty space and only a floating undefined feeling of wideness and joy vibrates on.

The first glimpse of light some time later doesn't seduce me to rush, I could just as well stay here, in this very moment for eternity, yet I keep moving.

Never thought the greens of the trees and the grasses, the gentle mos could look as vibrant and intense as they appear while I leave the tunnel. It rather seems, I'm watching the surroundings steadily passing by, then moving myself.

I enjoy the forest with a joy I haven't known so far- like a child looking at trees and clouds and pebbles for the first time ever. I keep walking and keep looking, perceiving without judgment, without naming, without wanting, only looking, smelling, listening, just sensing the stream of impressions calmly arising and taking course.

And I know that nothing ever will be the same, also know now that nothing ever has been the same before. It's freedom to ride on the stream of ever changing appearances without grasping or rejecting, I heard of that, I knew it, could have said these words any time, yet now the tunnel showed that truth in a way, so that I actually could see it too .

5] What is Home?

Back in the Netherlands, coming home from being home, not sure how and why I would deserve this. It must be a natural human kindness I didn't notice before that strongly. Now when I need it, there are friends to let me stay in their place, people offering shelter without expecting anything. I visit friends, I'm humbled and touched by all generosity, and I suspect I might know now, why in some lineages Buddhist monks are obliged to beg for their food- it's only when you depend on others in a way, that you get a chance to realize that, contrary to what the news might tell, human is in essence a very kind and giving being.

I have, for now, just to practice in gratitude to hopefully some day be able to give back.

6] Cow-dung is not Bullshit

Cycling in Germany is a challenge, most roads are forbidden for cyclists, they send you along long winding tracks and don't care to close a path without alternative.

After days of sweating under threatening thunderclouds, in heat, having my navigation gone with the broken phone, getting lost in unknown places, climbing hills without knowing where I am and how to get on, I arrive, days late again.

Now I work at the Schwäbische Alb, there's a small Village on top of a hill and I live here, take care of the garden and paint the portals, just paint, nothing artsy :) but besides being invited to feel at home and greatly being cared for, its my first real encounter with alternative building and painting materials what makes it extra special to be here.

The paint is the etching, burning, kind of chalk that was used for centuries here, but the main lesson is a little building project inside the large shed, a storage room made from clay and dry cow-dung.

I learn from mistakes and from what went well, getting an idea to – one day, some day, after the journeys – maybe build my own alternative home based on experiences and learning ahead.

7] The naked Truth

One more fragment, one I doubted if it was ok to tell, but decided that it should not matter if people think I'm weird, I'm a fifty years old guy giving up a comfortable stable life to cycle around and work without predictable income, not even a pension-plan. I AM weird probably and as long as no one gets hurt I'm free to be as strange as I choose to be.

It's the evening of a hard and hot day, the sun burned my skin dark red and any sweat from cycling uphill dried quickly without cooling me off. I finally find a great spot to spend the night, near a small town or village, but out in the green, well hidden and comfortable.

Before I rest I need to refill my water-supplies and rehydrate myself, also the new used phone I was lucky to receive, does act up, the batteries run quickly, didn't recharge anymore and I want to give it one more try.

It's good as well, to check the vibes of the area, to know the territory and get familiar with the place.

So instead of getting ready for the night I enter the place for a drink and general recharging in the local pizzeria. I'm the only customer inside. The friendly owner refills the bottles and tries to help me with the phone. After a tough day through the hills in merciless heat I enjoy talking to someone before I get back out into the fields. Yet when I tell about the travels and my new life, he offers me to seek shelter at the small terrace next to the house where the guests sit in daytime. It's right at the fairly busy street, surrounded by houses and I'd like my first shelter more, but there are two good reasons to gratefully except the offer- one, it is an act of kindness and that counts more then comfort, two, I slept in fields and woods, in trailers, tents and under bridges, but never in the open air in the middle of a town.

So I set up my shelter, sleeping bag as isolation and the raintarp as cover on one side tied to the fence, the other attached to the bicycle.

A thin tarp provides the illusion of privacy and I lay down in the noise of passing cars and voices on the street.

Now the overheated body starts boiling and burning, however I move or turn, a layer of inescapable

fire keeps me awake. Everything I wear sticks to the skin. Half asleep and half in fever I guess, I remove it all.

A gentle nightly breeze cools me off and sings me to sleep. While I see the stars through the fence it occurs to me, that whoever would find me here, would think I was drunk or crazy. Laying there amongst all cozy houses, bare and naked, not showered for days, hair and beard growing wildly I have finally become a drifter.

And then the image comes before my minds eye, of me laying there, bare of any sign of social status or role, looking like an abandoned corpse, but there is no shame, no fear, only deep calm peace and freedom.

That takes me back into the tunnel. It's the same sense of serenity, nothing to achieve, nothing to loose, nothing to be done, only being.

I will loose this peace of mind again on several occasions, when the wind stands against me, when I loose direction, when I set up goals, but there are more and more times of this deep relaxing equanimity, the acceptance of whatever might be.

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