#i expect it to be mediocre. ill watch it with my sister whenever it comes out and probably shit talk it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

iesharael-blog · 6 years ago

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1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there.

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary: “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

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jubilantwriter · 8 years ago

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A Benchful of Memories (Abandoned)

Chapter 3 - Untitled (Contains the final outline)

(Previous) (Last)

Once you get the okay from your human nurse, you dress up and head out to the park. With a backpack filled with your essentials, you slowly make your way to your favorite bench, only to find someone already sitting there. The sunlight makes the white of the bones shine brighter when you realize that ah, it’s the skeleton from before.

What was his name again? Um, something with an S you think.

Ah, well, it doesn’t really matter right now. He probably doesn’t remember you anyway. You’ve only met like, once? And that was maybe a few days ago? You don’t think you made a lasting impression anyway.

As you sit down, he cracks an eye socket open (how?) and watches as you set the backpack down next to your feet.

“Well, didn’t expect to see ya so soon.” Welp, he remembers you. Just avoid saying his name and maybe you’ll be okay?

“Me neither honestly. I didn’t think you’d come back to this park.”

“Heh.” He closes his eye socket and slumps a bit. “‘s nice and quiet. Like it here. Why are you back?”

“I come here pretty often. I like it here too.”

“Somethin’ we have in common then.”

“Yup.” He doesn’t say anything else after that, so you bend down to pick through your backpack and grab a sheet of origami paper. As you sit there making a tulip, the skeleton starts to snore.

Loudly.

...how?

He doesn’t have a nose. You blink slowly before shaking your head. He’s a magic skeleton, he can do whatever he wants no matter how anatomically impossible it should be. The fact that he’s even being held together by nothing but magic should be enough proof. As you finish the tulip and move on to make a lily, you start wondering more about your bench buddy.

...

And that’s the end of that chapter lol.

HERE’S THE OUTLINE! It’s been a year since I last touched this, so like, bear with me.

A Brief Introduction to the OCs:

Rajena (rah-jen-ah):

Based off of axolotls

Kind, bubbly nurse who has mediocre healing powers. She specializes mainly in studying souls.

Her name is based off of the word “regenerate”, mainly the first few syllables of the word

This is due to the axolotls ability to regenerate severed limbs (don’t actually hurt these babies tho)

Importance: she was supposed to be the Insert’s voice of hope, someone who could encourage them

Supposed to grow extremely close to the Insert

Comforts the Insert when the ~scene~ happens

The only one who can tell how long the Insert has since she is the only one with permission to see the Insert’s soul

Which is why she tries hard to foster hope (HP) inside the Insert

(SPOILERS) it doesn’t work out in the end

Miss Millie:

Nurse in charge of Insert - most likely a character based around JUSTICE

Southern flair; she’s a very tough but loving person

The mother figure that Insert never had

Wants to exhibit righteous anger but can’t

Has known Insert for a long time - they were admitted at a young age due to an unspecific disease that made them highly susceptible to catching viruses and made them ill easily = hereditary

Most likely a fake disease - I derived inspiration from one of the characters in Persona 3 (both are very different however)

She very much wants to see the Insert live a normal life if possible, so she encourages Insert to go out and make friends - enter monsters

She wants to protect Insert for various reasons

Leads to a moment where she accidentally brings up the hopes of Insert, only to let Insert’s hopes be crushed horribly

Kelsy:

The female cousin - I forget what soul aspect she was based off of, and reverse searching the name isn’t coming up. But I’m gonna take a guess and think it was BRAVERY

I think they were supposed to be twins? Kelsy would be the elder

She and her brother are super close with Insert

She will get into fights on the behalf of Insert, especially when it comes to Insert’s parents

She hates Insert’s parents

The other half of the reason why Insert’s hopes get destroyed

Ben:

The male cousin - I forget once more, but he is either KINDNESS or PERSEVERANCE

The smarter of the twins, and definitely the more calmer

While he’s the more rational half, he tends to fail in actually making sure his sister stays under control when she gets too passionate or emotional

This leads to an outburst that Insert overhears that makes them do very reckless things

Teaches Insert things because he wants Insert to get a taste of school life, even if it’s a shoddy imitation

Wants the best for Insert

Hates Insert’s parents as well

Younger Sister:

She had a name, but I don’t remember what I was gonna call her, nor the aspect she was gonna be focused around

Was supposed to resemble the life that Insert wish they had

A complicated relationship with their parents

Tries very hard to be there for her sibling, but ultimately fails in bringing about the one thing they want

Loves the origami crafts - the one who suggested they do it actually

Originally just stuck around Insert out of pity and obligation but grew to love her sibling due to the patience they exhibited for her

Their parents are not that patient

Blames herself

The Parents:

Think of Insert as a burden

Still pays the hospital bills and gives Insert an allowance regardless

Focuses mainly on the younger sister as a result

Never gives Insert the attention and validation they crave

AND FINALLY THE OUTLINE:

Basically Sans and Insert meet up whenever the skies are clear and the weather is deemed “good” in a way that won’t wreck the Insert’s health

They chat about Paps, the rest of the gang, Insert’s cousins and sister and nurses

One day Paps meets them, and they all get along swimmingly

Paps suggests that they one day eat dinner together

“I WILL MAKE MY SPECIAL FRIENDSHIP SPAGHETTI! IT WILL BE AMAZING, HUMAN!”

Reveals that they practically live at the hospital and can’t really go out that far

Pap shouts “NONSENSE!” and brings the party to their hospital room

Millie gets excited when they visit - friends!

Younger sister gets properly introduced a chapter later

Sans and Insert continue to bond over things

Insert reveals why they’re so into origami

They heard of a story once about a girl who was supposed to make a wish after making 1000 paper cranes

The sad part was that she died before making them all

They lend him the book, “Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes”

It was the one gift that they got from their parents that they cherish

Sans learns more about the destructive history of humans and how innocents can easily die from things they didn’t deserve to get

Insert reveals that they love flowers, but because they always die, they’ve resorted to making origami flowers to not only pass the time, but to replace the real flowers in their room

Less death to clean up

Sis and Kelsy get into a fight about the parents

Sis tries to defend them stating they’re just busy, but Kelsy gets upset and says that they’re just avoiding Insert because they don’t want to deal with them

This argument starts to escalate, and Ben ends up forcing Kelsy and himself to leave before it gets out of hand

Sis cries and Insert apologizes

Once Sis leaves, Rajena and Insert have a talk

HP has been declining, and Rajena has been getting worried

The truth comes out: “Honestly? I’m just waiting to just... you know, die. It’ll be easier on everyone. On my family. My friends. I mean, all of us can tell. I’m not gonna live long. And. That’s. Okay. No one lives forever after all. I’m just... a burden. It’ll be better if I just died already.”

Yeah that’s right they’re patiently waiting for death. It’s why they’ve never actively looked for friends or started any relationships - they saw it as a pointless endeavor that would only serve to hurt more people. Why create more pain when they should strive to minimize?

This also implies that they can be self-destructive - there are moments where they “forget” to take their meds, or purposely do things that can actively harm their health in the efforts of speeding up their death, not because they are impatient, but because they don’t want to make anyone else wait any longer than they have to

This is very worrying, but before Rajena can do anything about it, she gets called away to care for another patient

Insert realizes that they are lonely. They accept it.

On a day with Sans, he realizes some of these self-destructive tendencies - notices that Insert isn’t very careful around streets, easily gets cuts or scratches from the outdoors and doesn’t care to clean them when they are in a state in which infections are easy to get, etc etc

He’s gotten close enough to them that he does care if they get sick, knowing their disposition

Casually steers them away from hurting themselves, making comments about how they’re not gonna get any sharper by hanging out with those thorns, or that sidewalks prefer if they walk on them, and not at their sides despite what their name may imply

Eventually just keeps them from moving too far from his side since it’s easier to keep them from doing stupid things by having them not stray too far from him

Coaxes out more info from them

Wishes to one day see the stars, but they can’t leave the hospital at night

He says that one day, he’ll help and bring the stars to them instead - it makes Insert laugh

Insert meets the rest of the monster gang

Fun and happy times! The humans and monsters grow closer, Sans and Insert more so since they start trading books, discuss dreams and wishes, maybe even reveal their insecurities

Sans fears repetition and waking up to Groundhogs day, that everything will have lost meaning and that nothing he does will change that

Insert wants validation and affection from their parents, fears being a burden, wonders why they were born

They both promise to be there for the other if something goes bad

Sans reveals that he’s been going on walks because Paps told him to get exercise - that’s how he meets Insert

Turns out that he’s been adjusting pretty badly to the Aboveground - hasn’t been going out much as a result

The park was the closest thing near his house

Insert allowed him to chill and not be bothered

Then they started to talk

Origami was productive and made him feel like he was accomplishing something

The books were interesting and led to discussions he missed having

Insert helped bring about a pattern that got him active again

Around this time is when they both start to crush on the other, but they never admit it

Things have been going pretty good

Gradually getting excited to live life

Time for Insert’s b-day

Excited because even their parents come for their bday usually

Sis and Millie gets them pumped up

Everyone comes

except for parents

Insert waits for them to come through the door

And waits

The day is almost over

Kelsy calls the parents outside the room and ends up getting into an argument that turns into a yelling fest

Ben doesn’t move to stop her in time

“What do you mean you can’t come visit them?! They are your child!”

“You can’t just fucking say that-!”

“THEY’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU!”

“YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE THEM HERE!”

“YOU CAN’T SAY THAT ABOUT THEM!”

Yeah they hear everything

Their mind fills in the blanks and they quickly spiral into despair

Unwanted unneeded unnecessary burden no-good-child no one loves you a child no mother loves you worthless why do you exist go away you’re just dragging everyone down how could you say you love them when you’re making them suffer stop it stop it just stop breathing you can’t do anything right can’t even die fast enough they’d be happier if you just-

Visiting hours are over, everyone has to leave

There’s a thunderstorm the next day - Insert sneaks out by breaking their window and leaving through there

Chaos, no one knows where they are and how long they’ve managed to stay out

Sans comes to visit but meets a distraught Rajena

He finds them some time later, hunched over and crying next to the bench

They’re wet, cold, and already sneezing and coughing

He tries to get them to move, but they refuse to

Teleportation powers

They scream and thrash at him when they end up at the hospital

He dodges of course

He talks them down from their hysteria

Hugs and comforts

“You’re not worthless. You’re an irreplaceable being, y’know? Don’t need nobody to give you a reason to live. You just gotta. Because no one else can be you. Plus, you make lots of people happy.”

“Like who?”

“Like me.”

“...I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothin’ to apologize for. It’s not your fault all of this happened.”

They end up getting reaaaally sick

They can’t go out anymore

Everyone visits as much as they can

Slowly getting better but then

Uuhhh parent drama happens and it stresses them the fuck out and ends up making them worse

Parents low-key tell them to just expire already

High School Level Despair

But Sans helps them get through it because they promised right

But they’re HP has taken a fuckton of hits already

Rajena is doing the best she can but by now it’s just prolonging the inevitable

They end up bedridden with one HP and declining health

Doctors conclude that it was bound to happen soon anyways - no they are not being heartless, they’re just as sad

“Memento mori, right?”

But Insert doesn’t want to die now, because they have Sans and Rajena and their cousins and sister and friends, they have hopes and dreams and things they wanna do, and now they can’t do that because they decided to purposely fuck up their health

They break down, and Sans can’t do anything but hug them tight

Gradually, they come to terms with their regret and knows that they can’t change their actions

Chooses however to not blame anyone, or themselves

“On the bright side, I kinda got to decide how I died, right? Dying because of the rain, it has a romantic sort of sense to it.”

“There’s nothing romantic about dying, though.”

“...Haha. Yeah, you’re right.”

They end up crying together

Rajena notes their declining health once more, and ends studying their soul - everyone knows why

They all gather for one last get to together in the hospital room

It’s all games and origami and marathons and pizza and laughter and fun

Sans is oddly detached in a way, but he slips Insert a note saying he’s got one last thing for them

INSERT LAST CHAPTER

oh yeah Sans’ nickname for the insert, Bud, is a pun on the fact that they really love flowers, he considers them a friend, and a bud is like, a baby flower. lol

#incomplete work #undertale #sans (undertale)#self insert #original characters #hgklaOIJFKLASDF #that's a lot of words #the ocs actually had a lot more to do but we all know that the real meat of sans/reader fics are the romance aspect

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