#i exercise i eat healthy food but when my ed is here i just can't help but want to feel sick

[lvckheart]

When I think I'm finally having a good relationship with food and my body... my ed strikes again

[flyingfitandsugarfree]

Coming back to this blog

I think I'm about ready to try and have a healthy relationship with food. As I mentioned on main, I've had some ED struggles, which is why I've not been active on here. I still have a bit more weight I'd like to lose, but I want to do it in a healthier and more sustainable way.

Some things I'd like to work towards (trigger warning for ED behaviour):

Not binge eating. This has been the bane of my existence for years, and it recently worsened into binge-purge or binge-starve patterns. It's draining and makes me hate myself and I don't want to do it anymore, I absolutely need to get a handle on this and it's my top priority.

If I do binge: not compensating with fasting.

Start eating proper meals again. My meals shrank in size as I divided my portions smaller and then cut out the carb part of my meal. But recently I've not been eating meals at all, instead just buying a protein bar or some dried fruit and calling that my lunch/dinner. I want to go back to having actual meals, even if my portions are small, and work my way up to having proper portions again.

Start exercising daily again. I've barely exercised at all for the past month because I've not had the energy.

Eat around my BMR's worth of calories ±200 daily. I don't really like the idea of eating that much, it makes me uncomfortable, so I don't want to push it. But I need to stop aiming for such low numbers as it triggers binge behaviours when I go over.

Drink less coke/pepsi zero, oh my GOD this has got SO OUT OF HAND, I drank four litres of the stuff yesterday, I have a fucking problem

Have a healthy, balanced diet with plenty of fibre, fruits & veggies and protein.

Allow myself a daily treat. Because otherwise I just binge all the things I want to eat in one go.

Eventually, I'd like to be able to buy multipacks of chocolate/sweets etc and have them in the house for when I get peckish/need an energy boost. Right now I can't do that because knowing it's there stresses me out or I just end up eating it all in one sitting (or I'll stress about it for several hours until I end up binging it just so it's all gone). Might take me a while to get there though.

[mellow-worlds]

I feel good with my ed. I don't want to kms anymore. I feel pretty good honestly. I feel alright. I think my progress with losing weight is going alright. I keep saying ed. I made a wager with myself that I can officially call myself anorexic when my lovely intermittent fasting app says I've had 80 fasts in total. My goal is to get to an underweight bmi which somehow is around 10kgs for me. I don't think I ever lost so much weight in any of my past runs. It'll be fine, though. I'm happy to try. I'll do it. 80 fasts in total should equal around three months. Time flies. So far I have around 30 fasts. Some are longer than 24 hours, so that's important to keep in mind. I'm kind of proud of myself. Kind of. I'm happy I'm below the redacted number of kgs now. I'm still so fat but I feel like it's a little more acceptable now.

I keep thinking about how lovely it'll be when my friends notice. It'll be so lovely to be underweight. It'll be so lovely to know that they're talking about my weight behind my back. It'll be so lovely to know that they'll see just how skinny I can be. Let's find out how skinny that would actually be. Can't wait. Can't wait. I'm a little hungry, but not enough to actually feel like eating. Idk. I could easily eat something and like 2 months ago I surely would've. But now? Haha, not with me. I'm a whole new person now. I have priorities now. My head hurts a little. I don't think it's because I'm not eating that much, because today I had 2 sandwiches and 1 GIANT piece of cheesecake. Kind of regret it. I should start eating healthier things. It's fine. I can do this. It's still not the calorie requirements for an adult person, right? So that means I'm fine. It shoudl mean I'm fine. I should be a little more careful though. I should buy some healthier foods tomorrow. I'll do that. Grocery shopping when ed is so exciting. I really love it. I should really find some things to eat. Here's some ideas: juice, apples, berries, yogurt, oatmeal, fruit bars, those bread things with cream cheese, tomatoes, carrots, cucumber, paprika, milk bread. I should make my own sandwiches that are healthier than the canteen ones. But I like eating at uni. Hmmm. I'll figure something out. I'll be fine. I jsut really, really like food :) eating food is nice. But disgusting, kind of. Buying food I really like is actually kind of dangerous, but I'll just be careful and mostly buy the really healthy things like carrots and apples. I can always eat as many things of that as I want to.

I'm not really happy about being below redacted kgs now, I'm more just glad. It's kind of a relief. It makes me feel optimistic about the future. And I really want to keep going. I'm just so glad. It's kind of unbelievable. I've got to say, my urge to weigh myself is super strong, but I really should wait at least a couple of days in between weigh ins because I just couldn't handle gaining weight and real progress is only noticeable after some time. I should go work out. I said I would before my shower tonight. Still have uni stuff to do but it's fine. I'll work out, shower, and go to bed. That'll be nice. I won't exercise for long and it's a little frustrating to knwo that I'll never be a true anorexic because I don't excessively exercise, which only counts if you do it for like 3 hours a day, and I ain't got the time or will to do that. I'm just happy doing my crappy home workouts. It's something. I'm happy I'm starting to get back to exercising. It'll be lovely. Well, being thin will. And I kind of like to run. And like... P.... is so fit.... and strong...... and it's so attractive and I don't want to be a shapeless lump next to him. I also really should be careful about muslce loss, not that I actrually eat that little haha, but still. Exercising is just super important to 1. build muscle and 2. burn calories. Burning calories is the best hahahahahha what are you even talking about. It feels like I'm starting to lose it again. Nah, it's fine. My ed just makes me a little happy. Not really. But at least it's something in my life. I can always rely on it. It's always there for me and always will give me something to think about. Checking my intermittent fasting app to see how long I've been not eating really makes me kinda happy. Well, not happy. But it's like :3 every time more time passed than I anticipated. And speaking of which, it's been six hours. Most people would get hangry just about now. Not me B) staying cool and hungry. But skinny. Eventually. It just means I'm doing great.

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

oh god she brought me food

We were supposed to paddleboard after work, but also maybe just hang out at the pool or watch TV if we didn't have enough time or energy for the pool. I texted her early afternoon saying I didn't have it in me, then texted her a bit later saying I couldn't hang out at all, I just wanted to go to bed early and sleep off how terrible I feel. She asked if she could drop anything off for me and I said no thank you.

It's hours later and I see a text from her saying it's my ten minute warning before she comes over, she won't stay long but she wants to stop off supplies. I panic. I'm mid-ED strategizing either a safe dinner or a binge dinner, my apartment is scorching, I feel disheveled and ugly, and I start flitting around trying to make things look presentable. She gets here and knocks on the door and I freeze. I start turning on more ambient sounds, fans and AC, for plausible deniability. I put my phone on the charger and walk to the far side of the studio. Cowering. Sure enough, she disregards the fact that I haven't answered her text, haven't answered her knocking, and she tried to key in. Thank God for my door jammer, she can't get in. Then I hear my phone ringing, which means she's called several times in a row to get past my do not disturb. I'm hiding as far away as possible, exhaust fan on in the bathroom to make more noise, and I feel the impulse to claw through my cabinets for something, anything to take.

I'm so mad at her for disregarding my lack of consent, so mad at myself for not speaking up, so embarrassed to be so abnormal and avoidant and scared. I'm terrified that she's bringing me food, as we'd originally planned to picnic together, and I can't eat in front of her. I want to die want this to stop want to be gone. Finally the ringing stops, and I'm on my floor digging my nails as hard as I can across my body to feel anything that's not the crippling shame. Knowing there's no way to save this situation that doesn't hurt her feelings or make me look crazy. I finally tiptoe to my door and confirm she's gone. I tiptoe to my window to peek out and confirm her car isn't in my lot. I tiptoe to my phone and cringe to see the three missed calls, the text that her key isn't working, and the final text several minutes later telling me she loves me - a photo of my doorstep is attached, where she's left me three of my favorite smoothies and my chipotle order.

I darted outside to grab the food, put it in my fridge, and immediately walked back to the bathroom to take 100mg benadryl. I don't want to feel this. I'm broken and wrong and complicated and too old to be this fucked up and I don't deserve her and I make easy things so unnecessarily difficult and I'm so embarrassed. Why can't I handle spontaneous visits. Why can't I just eat food and exercise and sleep and hang out with people and do my job and be healthy. Why can't I speak up, request boundaries, be honest? Why can't I fucking email my therapist back? This isn't even a big deal and I can't handle it. I'm so embarrassed. I'm so weak. It's pathetic and annoying and dramatic and so so so easily solved and I can't do it.

Paddleboarding would have been so nice. Pooltime and a picnic would have been so nice. Just watching TV would have been nice. Why am I alone home, doped and welted and sobbing, when I had so many other options? I can't problem solve, can't act right. I don't want to be like this. Come back, I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed.

[nightlywxnders]

update

currently bmi 13.6 lol and going down

basically on a mission to lose as much as I can before being admitted to inpatient

and then I am fucking done with this shit

anorexia, bulimia etc. have ruined my life

I had to drop out of medical school for this academic year

currently am struggling so much. barely able to shower. compulsively doing 25k+ steps a day but like I can also barely open doors or walk up stairs because I am so weak.

this is not glamourous. skinny is not worth it. I have no friends. I have no life, my entire life is literally starving and walking.

I want my life back.

I want to be normal. like proper normal. I want to cope with my anxiety and depression without using food or my body.

so yeah

going to make the most of inpatient. will be giving up my Apple Watch so no exercise, not until I am in a healthier mainframe and body. no using ED behaviours, gonna talk honestly when I struggle with staff and just fucking work on myself. I will heal.

it is gonna be so hard. I know I will hate being 'not skinny'. but I have learnt that when you have an eating disorder, you can't do weight loss in 'moderation'. it always ends up taking over ur life.

I can't wait to be able to listen to my body, eat whenever I want, exercise for FUN, wear nice clothes, say yes to spontaneous cake and drink oat milk in my coffee, have the energy to wake up and do yoga and meditate and eat nourishing food, HAVE A FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE

this is my last post here, just thought I would update. I know that no one cares but if anyone sees this and thinks getting to a low weight will make u happy, please listen to me when I say it won't. it strips you of ur whole life. I wish I started recovering when I was struggling with binge eating, binging and purging, I wish I didn't convince myself that starving would make me happy. it is not true happiness, that moment of joy when you see the scale go down; true happiness is being part of normal life, true happiness is having a normal healthy body, true happiness is being able to manage ur mental health without abusing your body.

lots of love, please choose recovery.

[thevirgodoll]

Hi. There's something that I just want to get off my chest. Recently I've been analyzing(??? can't find the right word) myself and maybe a bit too much. I'm relatively confident but only with certain things. Something I'm not so confident about is my weight. I'm not unhealthy or overweight or any of that, but I prefer to be on the thinner side. Being skinny gives me a sense of security. Recently it's gotten pretty bad. Now I skip meals because the feeling of hunger makes me feel better :/ Thanks for listening, I feel like you're a good person to talk to.

It’s okay to reflect and analyze parts of yourself, but sometimes it moves beyond a healthy realm and into an exhausting cycle of thoughts. These thoughts are normally irrational but if you focus on them without a tactic, you will be convinced they are factual.

It seems like you want a sense of control in your life. That may be why you are controlling this one aspect - your food intake. It also seems like you’re punishing yourself in order to get to where you need to be emotionally.

While it’s perfectly normal to be insecure, you have to have a game plan for this that doesn’t destroy you.

What are your triggers and what sends you on that spiral?

What is causing you stress and what are things in life you can control in a positive and constructive way?

When do you feel at your best emotionally and physically (outside of your ED, name some positive habit that makes you feel confident, if you haven’t found it it’s time to start working on that.)

This is a tough situation to be in, but you will find that your negative body image is fueled by a collection of distorted views. You have to ask yourself where this originated from...if it’s social media maybe a break is necessary.

Confidence takes time and it won’t happen overnight. It’s going to take a lot of mental exercises in combination with new habits.

You can try to make things fun by eating differently and cooking so you can build your appetite back up. Once your diet and water intake is back to a healthy portion level, muscle building exercise can really help you so you can build your mass back up or you can start a regimen that works for your current goals.

I recommend seeing someone if you can, so you can know what to do from here. I’m rooting for you💕

[lunarmochi]

vent

patiently waiting for the day i stop willingly checking their blog

it's no one's fault but my own. i can confidently say that, even if it hurts, because it's true. my own actions are my fault responsibility.

i just want to stop hoping.

i want to stop hurting myself by secretly hoping that it'll work out someday.

i want to stop telling myself that someday we'll be back together as if nothing happened.

it hurts like fucking hell right now, but people keep saying that it'll get easier eventually. it must be true, right?

i'm doing fine on my own right now. well... debatable, i suppose. my mental health has been really low lately. i haven't thought about them much lately the past few days, nor checked their blog excluding just now.

one day i'll be able to say i'm alright without them, so why can't it stop hurting already?

in other news, i was suddenly reminded lately that i overshare. that i share the emotional parts of my life online, and that i should be aware of that.

and i just...

now i can't stop thinking about how i overshare about my life, no matter how much i think i don't. and then i saw a tiktok last night about someone being uncomfortable when others share explicit details about their identity, because they didn't ask.

and now i've been self-conscious about how much i share and talk about myself. how much i share about my day. no one ever asks. no one ever asks or cares. no one needs to hear about my day, but i still share anyway.

suddenly the idea of deleting everything and never bothering anyone again sounds attractive.

the people in my life could stand to live without me. nothing bad will happen if i disappear. people will continue to live on blindly, not knowing that i was even there in the first place.

it would be fine, so why haven't i done it already?

no one would know better if i killed myself, either.

god, i hate myself.

i'm the only one so attached. to both him and her. i doubt he even remembers me at this point. and her, she's thriving and doing amazing without me. even better than she was with me, or before me. fuck, i wouldn't put it past her to get a new partner to help herself heal and get over me. she deserves it.

i'm the only one staying in the past.

everyone else knows better and moves forward, looking forward.

i'm always the one in last place. the one that takes the longest to heal.

i hate myself so much.

everything hurts so much.

i just want a hug, you know? a little bit of affection, even just a crumb. affection i can call my own, that's meant for me and me alone.

i'm so lonely and wish i could live on without bothering people or needing them.

as much as i want to abandon this blog and everyone i know, i have nothing else. i'm a fucking idiot and don't have any other outlets. this blog and that server is all i have. yell at me, scream at me for not taking care of myself and building support systems.

going back to the idea of wishing everyone hated me again. it would be easier to leave if people hated me. if people actively said they hated me, rather than ignoring me and secretly criticizing me.

i wish i had the courage to harm myself. at least there would be physical evidence that i'm in pain. for now, it's all up here. it's all up here, and i could be deluding myself into thinking i'm mentally ill.

lately my bodily insecurities have been horrible, too. i hate myself for wishing i had an ED so i could harm myself further. so i could lose weight and at least delude myself into thinking i'm beautiful.

i keep whining and complaining about wanting to be skinny and "feel beautiful" but it's my own fault for eating the food i do. for not working out or exercising. for indulging in fast food and not eating only salads. it's my fault for being too depressed to take care of my body. other people can maintain a healthy body while mentally ill, so why can't i?

why can't i be smart enough to do everything i want to do?

i'm so behind everyone, in so many parts of my life.

i'm sorry for venting. for existing and burdening everyone who has to scroll past my pitiful vent posts. for the people that have to even look at the way i'm desperately begging for attention because i haven't made the effort to do something good for myself.

i'm sorry for all of it.

i can only hope my end will come soon.

[rojav]

There's a lot of good stuff in here, and I'm not trying to say that it's wrong, but some of it is kinda misleading.

The obesity problems in the US and elsewhere are probably not due to intergeneration factors and almost certainly due to overeating. I'm the 'developed' world people eat waaaaay more than they need to because they can - people have infinite wants. The ideal diet contains much less meat and sugar than most people eat (including myself) and should contain more grains, variety of vegetables and much less volume of food. Food culture explains a lot of weight issues rather than biology - if that were the case then all of Bengal, China and Ukraine would be overweight. I'm not saying history isn't a factor, but how much and what we eat is wildly divorced from what is healthy for us.

Second is that - as said above - things like BMI or 'overweight' are wildly out of date, often based on somewhat shoddy science and (not mentioned above) often don't account for ethnic differences. As a South Asian, I have a different healthy weight proportion and risk of heart disease etc. Than a white person - my healthy weight is very different. This obviously is similar for Black People and other racial groups as well - there is no 'one size fits all' perfect weight. Weight discrimination is especially prevalent towards Black communities, probably just because many people have a different body type to the white ideal.

And thirdly exercise burns a very limited amount of fat. OP was right - humans were built to run away from the English - and you can't do that if you burn your fat stores every time you go for a jog. Being fitter can help you lost weight in the long run, because as you get fitter and your muscle mass increases you metabolise somewhat faster, but you only burn something in the region of 300 calories during most workouts. Training religiously usually doesn't just involve working out, but also dietary and lifestyle changes - which brings me into the last point.

If you want to lose weight, the way to do it is to take in less calories than you burn in a day. I burn about 2000 calories a day, (more if I actually exercise) and that's what you've got to keep in mind. If you want to lose weight - and you don't have to - you just have to eat less than you take in. When you realise that we eat far to much as a society anyway this becomes much easier - now I probably eat a (roughly) correct diet for someone of my stature etc. There is nothing wrong with being overweight, but I know that it really had a bad effect on my mental and physical health, I felt sluggish and just generally like shit all the time. You've got to find a balance that's right for you, but that is achievable. I think it's worrying to consider your weight solely as a factor of your genetics and history and therefore as outside your control; these things play a part but ultimately (unless there are medical reasons, either an ED or physical condition) you can take control of your own life.

The most important thing for health is finding what feels right for you - whether that's more or less than you are now. Society tries to control your bodies, but only you matter.

From Twitter.