#i drew things from the side. i managed to draw a background and it doesnt look really weird and out of place - which is a HUGE thing for me

[ff2-soda-pop]

you guys know that post thats like. "if you wanna improve at art just become deeply obsessed with some random thing"? yeah thats how im feeling about this psmd drawing right now

[skamelias]

GUILTY

6.3 Fredag 10.11.17  19.58

The light from his laptop shone luminous across the planes of his face as Elias stretched out his legs on the bed, resting his computer on his knees. He’d been looking up film schools for the past hour and a half and his brain was very nearly fried at this point. Ever since his talk with his brother and Jamilla he’d given film school some more thought. He figured he should at least learn what all it entailed. But now he was seriously regretting that because after scrolling through page after page, his eyes glazing over, he was abundantly overwhelmed with how many options and requirements there were.

There was no way he’d get into any one of these schools. It was stupid of him to have gotten his hopes up for a pipe dream.

It didn’t help that today his had mom bragged about Karim at the mosque to anyone who would listen and not once did she bring up Elias. He just wanted to make his parents proud to call him their son, but it seemed that all he ever did was let them down.

Hearing his parents discuss the accomplishments and ambitions of his younger sister and older brother never got easier with time. Having Karim back in the house was a painful reminder that Elias would never be good enough.

Of course he was happy for them, how could he not be, he loved them both. But no one ever talked about what it was like being the middle child. How shitty it felt being overshadowed. Half of him wished he could find his passion. But the other more rational side of him wished he could just land a job already. He felt guilty enough as it was living off his parents still. His brother’s advice the other day had assuaged some of his worries and doubts but still it didn’t help his current situation and the way he felt. His heart ached for what felt like the millionth time that day.

When he shut his eyes one word burned its way through his mind.

Hopeless

That’s what his situation was, what his life was, what he was; hopeless.

Frustrated and drained, he pushed his laptop off of him, and rolled off the bed, landing square on his sock-covered feet. He shuffled over to his closet and peered through the stacks and piles of sweaters, tees, and hoodies staring back at him. He grabbed a black wool sweater and some dark jeans and threw them on, grabbing his jacket from off the floor.

He fished for his phone under the blanket covers on his bed, his fingers finding purchase on the cool hard plastic. He texted his mom that he would be going out and that he would let her know when he got home.

He stopped for a millisecond as he thought about calling Yousef, maybe it was his own half-hearted attempt to talk himself out of this self-sabotage.

But then he thought about the lecture he would probably receive from his best friend and he decided he wasn’t in the mood for it.

He was done feeling sorry for himself.

This time he would do it right. He wouldn’t do anything stupid like last Friday. He would just slip away for a few hours, no one would even miss him.

(((Mask Off-Future)))

He quietly slid onto the bar stool, the worn tattered seat fraying at the edges. He felt like everyone’s eyes were on him, judging him wordlessly, as if he didn’t belong there. He peeled his jacket off and signaled to the bartender with his hand.

“What can I get you,” the man behind the counter asked as he wiped a glass with a greasy dish rag.

“Vodka, thanks,” Elias replied, his voice almost a hoarse whisper, the shame threatening to seep through his voice.

Just as Elias raised the drink to his lips, an insist tap on his shoulder drew his attention away.

He turned around in his seat, drink in hand, and was met with a bright faced guy with a crew cut and an earring in his right ear.

“Hi, Elias right, Sana’s brother?” the stranger exclaimed.

“Ummmm…yeah that’s me…and you ar–” Elias started.

“Eskild,” said the guy whose name he vaguely remembered from a hazy morning a few months ago.

“Eskild,” Elias repeated giving him a small smile, silently wishing that he hadn’t run into anyone he knew. He wasn’t exactly in the right state of mind for making polite conversation at the moment.

“Mind if I join you?” Eskild asked as he readily grabbed the bar stool next to Elias.

Ordinarily, he would have said no, but something told him that this guy Eskild wasn’t one to take no for an answer.

Elias shrugged and turned back to the drink in his hand. His throat burned as a took a large gulp from the glass. He scrunched up his eyes, the bitter taste overwhelming his senses as he drank several more mouthfuls.

“What are you drinking?” Eskild asked in curiosity, he eyed Elias up and down, a playful smile on his lips.

“Vodka,” Elias said, the background noise of the bar slowly started to fade together in the back of his head.

“I usually prefer wine, it’s easier going down too,” Eskild winked. If Elias wasn’t as out of it as he was starting to become, he could have sworn this guy was trying to flirt with him.

“So why are you drinking alone here on a Friday night?” Eskild said looking around before his eyes fell on Elias once again in keen interest.

Elias shook his head, raising his brows as he said, “Girl problems, family problems, you pick,” unconsciously listing off his grievances.

He unceremoniously downed a few more drops as Eskild’s forehead creased, worry etched on his face.

“Elias, I know we don’t really know each other, but can I give you some of my world famous ‘guru’ advice? I feel like you could use it,” Eskild said.

Elias sat perplexed, unsure of what to make of that sentence, but he shrugged once again, figuring it couldn’t hurt at this point.

“Girl problems are easier to fix. With girls, they just want you to be honest and direct with them. If you try to hide anything or are guilty of anything they will eventually find out, so it’s better to just tell them the truth.”

Elias stared straight ahead, his hand tightened around the glass, his knuckles whitening as he felt the color drain from his face.

The truth?

What good could that possibly lead to? Laila had texted him two days ago and he didn’t know what to say to her. He couldn’t even face her texts. How was he supposed to face her in person?

“And hey if it doesn’t work out, there’s always Tinder, that’s a good backup plan.” Elias took note of the sly gleam in Eskild’s eyes as he said that, his subsequent laugh full of mirth.

He needed another drink.

Or two.

He motioned for the bartender once again and ordered another vodka. Meanwhile, next to him Eskild ordered a red wine.

After some time and two more drinks in his system, Elias was starting to think that contacting Laila was his best option. Eskild’s advice made more and more sense with each passing second. In fact, he wondered why he hadn’t called her much earlier.

Cause you’re an idiot…that’s why.

He mentally berated himself as he reached into his pocket, drawing his phone out and flipped through his contacts, the names and numbers blurring together before he squinted and found the name he was looking for.

“Oh are you calling her right now?” Eskild asked in surprise, clearly amused.

“Yeah,” Elias said, his movements a bit sluggish, as his brain fought to keep up with his dulled senses. “Should’ve done this so long ago,” his speech slurred.

“Good luck, Elias,” Eskild smiled at him.

He looked back down at his phone, Laila’s phone number stared back at him, taunting him slightly. He needed to do this, it was suddenly the most important thing.

He took a deep breath and pressed the call button. He brought the phone up to his ear, his mind spinning in a thousand different directions, he was sure he would get dizzy from it. He heard the monotone ringing, all the while his heart was racing.

Suddenly, he heard the click and a soft voice on the other end said “Hello?”

He gulped audibly.

“Laila?” Elias half-whispered.

“Who is this?” Laila asked, suspicion lined her voice, and something else that Elias couldn’t quite place.

“It’s Elias….I got your voicemail and texts” he said, taking great effort to enunciate his words. He cast his eyes downward, as if he was half expecting her to hang up any second now.

“Elias?” There was surprise in her tone, there was no doubt about it. “What–I mean you’re calling me? Is everything ok?” he heard the crinkling of something in the background.

It took all of his concentration and focus to try to figure out what to say to her, after all this time, and after what he’d done.

“I just wanted to call you and…. ask if we could talk. Can we meet now, are you busy?” Elias finally managed.

He heard Laila pause, probably figuring out if it was worth meeting him after he’d ignored her for a week repeatedly. “Where did you want to meet?”

His heart thudded in his chest.

“What about Aker Brygge, near the waterfront?” Elias asked anxiously.

“I’ll see you there Elias,” Laila said, before she hung up.

And just like that, with one short phone call, Elias had a sliver of hope again.

He turned back to Eskild who was still sitting there, watching him in mild fascination.

“What did I tell you, being honest works,” Eskild said satisfactorily.

“I haven’t exactly told her anything yet, she just agreed to meet me…right now,” Elias admitted. He grabbed his jacket and pushed away from the bar counter, anticipation coursing through him.

“Well, that’s a start at least.” Eskild answered nonchalantly. “Hey listen, in case this all doesnt work out, is there any chance you’re bi?”

Elias was so taken aback, he stilled in his movements for a second, before he eventually managed a candid smile, shaking his head and said, “I’m sorry man.”

Eskild stared at him a few seconds longer, as if not quite believing him. A look of genuine disappointment passed over his face before he said, “Had to ask at least. It was nice chatting with you, good luck Elias,” he replied decisively, waving him off.

“Yeah you too,” Elias said, perplexed and a bit disoriented.

He was this close to seeing Laila again. Now all he had to do was find his way over to the waterfront area somehow.

Fifteen minutes later, Elias was standing in his heavy grey coat, shivering and watching the water as it glistened in the pale lamplight.

He’d walked the short distance from the bar to Aker Brygge, his hands slightly shaking; he couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or from nerves.

He checked his phone, hoping to see a text from Laila saying she was here, but no such luck.

He hoped against all hope that she hadn’t stood him up. He was starting to think this might have been a bad idea. What if Laila realized he was still drunk? She had actually agreed to meet him and he didn’t want to mess it up.

Stay calm….you can do this!

He sensed movement out of the corner of his eye. Turning around slightly, he narrowed his eyes in the dim lighting, watching as a figure slowly approached him. As they got closer, Elias could make out brown curls blowing frantically in the wind.

His pulse accelerated.

After all this time, she still took his breath away.

He couldn’t believe how much control she had over him, it almost wasn’t fair.

And yet here he was, mouth slightly open at the sudden sight of her in front of him, mere inches away. So close he could see the small flecks of light brown in her dark amber eyes.

He didn’t realize it was possible but she looked even more beautiful than the last time he saw her.

She was wearing a black jacket over a deep green turtleneck and high waisted black jeans, her hair fell in frizzy curls.

Elias gulped.

“Hi,” he uttered softly.

Laila gave him a hesitant smile, her eyes full of uncertainty. “Elias…..hey.”

“It’s so good to see you,” Elias finally managed after a beat of awkward silence that had lasted a bit too long.

Laila nodded. “Yeah you too….I was glad you called.”

“I thought about calling you a lot or even texting you, but I…..didn’tkknowwhattosay,” Elias mumbled.

Laila paused. “You must hate me…for leaving like that without a word.”

Elias shook his head dramatically, he felt dizzy all of a sudden. “No! No I don’t hate you, trust me. If anything, you should hate me.” Elias looked away.

She furrowed her eyebrows and said, “Why would I hate you, you didn’t do anything wrong?”

The guilt pressed against his chest, an unbearable feeling that he couldn’t escape. He had to tell her.

(((God Don’t Leave Me-Highasakite)))

“Laila….there’s something I have to tell you,” he started.

He glanced up at her and met her steady gaze before continuing, “Last Friday, before I saw you, I…heard that you got back together with your ex and I started drinking, then I got into a fight trying to defend my friend. It was stupid I realize now, but I don’t know it just sort of happened, and then…once I saw you, it’s like all those feelings came rushing back. But then I thought you had moved on in those two months so I…I hooked up with this girl…it meant nothing…I was drunk…and it was a mistake, but I wanted to tell you the truth…”

She visibly stiffened in front of him. “Was that the last time you drank?” Laila asked, her voice suddenly a shade more distant.

“What?” The question clearly threw him off. He’d been expecting her to be upset by the news that he’d slept with someone else.

“I–” Elias shifted his gaze downward, the shame cut through him like a knife.

“Are you drunk now?” Laila asked quietly.

He looked back at her.

She knew. Of course she did.

“I’m sorry,” was the only thing Elias could think to say.

She shook her head in frustration, anger flashed in her eyes. “I can’t believe you. You thought you would get drunk and call me saying you want to talk? She used air quotes around the word ‘talk’.

“No, that wasn’t what I was tryi–”

“We’re you trying to get back at me for leaving? By sleeping with some random girl, even though you still had feelings for me, and being drunk was what, an excuse?” Laila interrupted him, her voice hitched slightly.

“Laila, please, I told you it didn’t mean anything, you have to believe me,” Elias nearly begged.

She ran her hands over her face and breathed a deep sigh. Eventually she peered back at him, expressionless. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

“Laila, wait,” Elias pleaded.

But it was too late, she was already turning around, walking away from him.

He tried to walk after her, to catch up with her, but his stomach lurched uncomfortably.

He was going to be sick. He tried breathing in and out, several times, to slow his breathing.

He watched her get further and further away from him.

Elias felt hollow inside, a small piece of him left raw and broken.

He needed to get home. He wearily took his phone out of his pocket and attempted to call for a taxi; he was in no state to walk home.

As he stood there on the sidewalk, waiting for his ride, he replayed their conversation in the back of his mind over and over again.

No matter what he did, he always managed to hurt the people he loved.