#i doubt she would do that anyway because the idea of john getting over jamie seems alien to her

[cookie-de-baunilha]

Diana on a new background story for John, his storyline in book 10 and future Lord John novels/novellas. She also mentions The Haunted Soldier (apparently there’s something that happens in that novella that is going to be important for John in book 10?) and how his storyline in s8 will be a bit different from what she plans to do in book 10.

Not a lot to go on, but…

[neptunium134]

Death of the Small Coopers mini-analysis, part 4

Okay, reveal scene, let’s go-

These may be a little out of order cuz I took them on different days, but I’ll do my best to put them in order

Y E E T-

I love this look- John’s face is a mixture of concern and surprise

‘You kissed my son and now he might be in danger, damnit woman’

I think this just perfectly illustrates just how much John cares for Jamie, you can see he’s trying not to panic here, or give off the impression he’s panicking, but the audience can see it, and it shows just how much John and Jamie’s relationship has developed since The Village That Rose From The Dead (S19, E1).

It’s one of those nuggets that, as the audience who have seen this development, we can pick up on.

So these two shots are effectively mirror images of each other. The top one is a medium-close up on Jamie from a narrative perspective while the bottom one is an over-the-shoulder shot placed upside-down, in the way Jamie would be seeing. Both shots are there to establish a narrative so the audience knows what’s happening.

Also, they’re pretty cool shots.

That’s one way to get someone’s attention

Okay, let me geek out over this shot for a moment

It starts out upside-down, as we’re seeing it from Jamie’s POV after Leo slaps him, then the camera rotates 180 degrees to give us a mid-shot of Leo.

I’d say the rotating motion is meant to signify things coming into perspective as Jamie realises Leo’s the killer (no duh).

Obviously Jamie isn’t moving, he’s still upside-down, so the shot is meant to be for the audience.

Then this quite fast zoom from a mid-shot into a close-up onto Jamie’s face when Leo reveals the crossbow. The speed of the zoom could represent Jamie’s sudden realisation of just how much danger he’s in.

This riddle was actually one of the first ones I ever did, and I laughed as soon as Leo started reciting it cuz I already knew the answer.

It also links back to the scene in the bar when Eddie was about to tell Jamie the riddle. It’s the irony- if Jamie had listened to Eddie then, he would know the answer and wouldn’t be held at arrowpoint for 5 minutes.

But then there was the risk of Leo firing early and killing Jamie anyway cuz Jamie knew what Leo did.

It’s that sense of irony- Mahesh was “made a victim of his obsession”, Grady was made “a victim of his lofty intelligence” and Jamie was about to become a victim of irony, of not listening to Eddie recite the riddle that was in the Circulus paper, the paper Leo took.

Once again, we see John’s concern for Jamie. In the top picture, we can hear John’s concern, his worry. He’s scared for Jamie.

In the second picture, we get a close-up of his face, he’s trying to get the info out of Leo as a distraction, to lure him away from Jamie, give Jamie a chance to try and escape.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN KIDS ARE PUSHED

Okay, not literally, but every kid has a breaking point. Sure, kids don’t usually go around murdering people because they’ve been pushed to lengths, but it’s an allegory for kids being pushed way past their breaking point.

What makes this scenario even sadder is Leo was pushed to this point by a couple of factors; his mother died, one of his teachers was his mental support and who ended up being his dad’s mental support as well, his dad stopped his relationship with the woman who made him happy, his headteacher was going to sack the person who was there for Leo and his dad, the editor of the local newspaper for a town that thrives on gossip was going to publish a biased article about his dad and his teacher, and he thinks that this new guy is trying to steal the woman that made his dad happy from his dad.

There comes a tipping point for children. Like I said, kids don’t usually start murdering people, it’s usually something like drugs or some other kind of self-harming actions, but you can understand why Leo went as far as he did- he’d reached his tipping point and lashed out violently because he thought it was the only way to get his voice heard.

It’s a sad story, but the general understanding of it is something that a lot of kids face- a tipping point that gets ignored by adults until it’s too late. Hopefully this episode showed adults that.

Coming off from the above idea, this is another thing that kids are taught. ‘Rules are rules’, ‘stick to the rules’, ‘do as you’re told’- it accumulates, it builds up until the aforementioned tipping point.

This is another thing adults seem to forget that affects kids- stick to the rules, make sure you please the adults. Who cares if the kids grow up traumatised? Who cares if the kids grow up with this toxic mindset? They’re sticking to the rules.

Okay, enough about the issues with society-

John asks Leo what the question was so he could have a chance to save Jamie, while Jamie does what most kids do when they’re scared- they look to their parental figure for help. 

It’s just more evidence of the familial bond they have.

I find this interesting- John probably knows the answer to the riddle, or at least he could work it out quickly, yet he pleads with Leo to stop.

Why?

He’s panicking. He’s scared. He thinks Jamie is going to die and he is helpless to stop it.

It isn’t a terribly hard riddle, but it requires concentration, and what’s one thing you can’t do when you’re scared? 

Concentrate.

Neither John nor Jamie can concentrate in this situation, they’re too scared.

However, Birgitte can concentrate. She doesn’t have that bond with Jamie, she’s only known him for maybe 3 or 4 days, and she took the paper the riddles was on.

She is able to step in and give Jamie the answer, not because she has that strong bond with him, but because she knows how strong John and Jamie’s bond is.

Don’t get me wrong, she probably does care about Jamie and doesn’t want him to die, but that newer, weaker bond gives her the ability to step back and concentrate while everyone else is panicking.

John echoes Birgitte, yet his “Yes?” is slightly more panicked. Birgitte’s is calm, rational, leveled while John looks like he wants to run over to Jamie and protect him physically.

To me, it’s the bond thing again. Birgitte is more leveled because she knows she has to be in order to save Jamie. She knows there’s no use in both her and John panicking, so she keeps calm and gives the answer. The "Yes?” is the prompt to Leo to let Jamie go.

Even with Jamie reciting the right answer, Leo pushes the button and we get this moment.

Birgitte is the only one who appears shocked, she is turned to Jamie and for the first time, she looks scared. Even with her help, it’s possible Jamie could die, they could be about to witness the death of someone her friend holds dear.

Ignoring Colton and Penny, mostly because I don’t think the shot actually shows their reaction, we’re going to skip right onto John.

Leo pushes the button and John runs to Jamie. He calls him “Jamie” instead of “Winter”, like he usually does.

He panics, he rushes forward as if he’s hoping he can either put himself between Jamie and the arrow, or, even better, push Jamie out of the way and avoid anyone getting hurt.

But it’s the running compiled with the use of “Jamie” that really hits home- John cares a lot about Jamie, and this one wide shot with Jamie in slightly blurred focus and John more in-focus, really shows it. He calls Jamie by his first name, something I don’t think we’ve seen before, and rushes to get to him.

Like @tiger-moran​ said, we’ve gone from John not knowing Jamie’s name in Last Man Out (S19, E3) to this, to John wanting to protect Jamie, to save him. To calling his name in a panic the same way parents will to their child if their child is in danger.

Jamie attempted kill count: 3

And the importance of bonds come back; Jamie made a bond with Ginny after she almost shot him at her farm, and she created a bond with Birgitte when Birgitte went to see her. Without that bond Ginny created with these two, Jamie would have been hit with the arrow, not doubt about it. Ginny’s line confirms that. 

Then, once John knows Jamie’s safe, he runs to Leo, to pin him against the tree until the PCs arrive.

It’s similar to what he does in Til Death Do Us Part (S20, E5), when he finds Hazel holding a pair of gardening shears to Sarah’s neck- it’s that instinctive reaction to stop the cause of his loved one’s pain. It’s that closeness again, he has similar reactions to both Jamie and Sarah almost being killed.

He checks Jamie is safe, that Jamie is alive, then he apprehends Leo to stop Leo from potentially trying to hurt or kill Jamie again.

Gonna leave this part here cuz it’s long enough anyway. I’ll do a short Part 5 for the final scene, then this’ll be over, you’ll be happy to know

[ladyreapermc]

Fic: This isn’t a rom-com 15/17

Author’s notes: I’ve been vague about Lilah’s heritage so far with the exception her her being latina, but it made sense to me she would speak her native language with her mom and since I didn’t want to butcher another language by trying to writing in Spanish, she’s speaking  Portuguese here. I put the translation next to it in brackets. 

Summary: Keanu and Lilah meet at the set of John Wick. Rom-com shenanigans ensues

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6  Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14

Wordcount: 2980

Warnings: just a F-bomb and an anxiety attack.

Lilah should not be missing Keanu this badly. It had only been gone a few of days since he left, but every time she caught sight of the finger-shaped bruises on her hips or the bite mark in her shoulder, Lilah felt like there was a gaping hole in her chest that made her just feel empty and everything else dull.

Lilah wanted to laugh at the irony. For someone who hated rom coms, she sure as hell was going through all the motions. She was this close to watching rainfall from her bedroom window with a sad song playing in the back. Which was sort of pathetic, so she really needed to find something to distract herself.

Good thing she still had the crushing doubt of what she would do to about NYFA and Oxford to keep her occupied. Arthur was being very understanding about her lack of response, but every time Lilah met Dr. Williams, it was the first question out of the older woman’s mouth.

“Do you know how many other candidates would kill for this opportunity?”

“Yes, I’m aware, Dr. Williams,” Lilah sighed, squeezing the bridge of her nose. This was giving her a headache. “But it’s a huge decision and I can’t just make it without thinking it through.”

She could see Dr. Williams wanted to argue some more and she braced herself for the conflict, but it never came. The other woman let out a sigh too and took off her glasses. For the first time in Lilah’s time in grad-school, the woman before her looked almost approachable.

“Lilah, I have been doing this for a while and I haven’t met many students like you. You’re brilliant and I don’t say that lightly. You work hard, you’re good at improvising, you hardly ever complain or say no, something I take advantage more times than I should, and you’re a great researcher. It would be a shame to let that go to waste.” She paused, wiping her glasses before putting them back on. “However, I also know that those same traits will make you succeed at any other career path you chose.”

“They called you, did they?” Lilah asked, twisting her hands together, heart in her throat. “From NYFA.”

“You did include my letter of recommendation in your application,” Dr. Williams said. “I told them exactly what just I told you, but you have to make a choice, dear.”

“I know,” Lilah sighed. “Tomorrow. I promise.”

“Good.” Dr. Williams said with a short nod. “I also expect the new chapter of your dissertation by the same deadline.”

All the way home, Lilah was a jumble of messy thoughts and conflicting feelings, because she had no idea what to do next. She just gave herself an ultimatum to make a decision when she told Dr. Williams she would give them an answer tomorrow. But the truth was that Lilah was no close to an answer now than she was four days ago when Lilah argued with Keanu.

Ever since this whole mess started Lilah became very aware of how ill-equipped she was to make her own choices. She had been doing a reevaluation of her life decisions and how she made them, and it was slowly becoming very clear the weight her parents’ wishes and expectations had on every step she took. Especially her dad.

She remembered being 13 and considering to join the theater club because it could help her make friends, but her dad insisted she joined the debate club instead because it would improve her English and would look much better on her college application. The same happened when she wanted to practice martial arts, but he thought the track team would be better. And that continued all the way to choosing her major for college and deciding on grad-school.

They were rarely obvious commands, it was more like nudges here and there that made Lilah doubt her own choices and start on a spiral of insecurity that was only abated once she did what he wanted, and he praised her for it. How mess up was that? How manipulative was that? Was he even aware that he did that?  

How many times did she settle for something she wasn’t all that into it just to please him? Lilah didn’t even know. And how many times she hid part of herself or her interests, so he wouldn’t be disappointed? Like he was when she decided to go to New York for grad school. That had been quite an epic fight and it left Lilah crushed and crying for days until he relented and allowed her to go. And she knew he only did it because her mother talked to him.

That was crazy! Lilah was 21 at the time. She didn’t need his authorization. She was a damn adult, but apparently, she still acted like a child searching for his approval. Right now Lilah felt like she was in a turning point and one wrong step could mean she would wreck her future beyond recognition and that prospect terrified her.

With a heavy sigh, Lilah closed her laptop and moved to her bed. She wasn’t going to get any work done right now. Not until she finally made her decision and that needed to happen right now.

“Hey, can I talk to you for a sec?” Jean asked, leaning against the doorframe and startling Lilah.

“Sure. What’s up?” Ok, maybe it could wait a few more moments.

Jean stepped into the room and walked up to Lilah, handing her a check before taking a seat on the bed. Lilah glanced at it with a frown of confusion and gasped, looking back up at Jean.

“Wh…?” she trailed off, too shocked to even form words.

“That should cover tuition for the first year, right?” Jean asked, eyebrow arched.

“I can’t accept this, Jean,” Lilah said, trying to give the check back, but her friend just crossed her arms over her chest in refusal. “I know how much you hate the trust fund your parents made for you. I’m not gonna be the reason you go to them.”

“That ship sailed a long time ago, Lih,” Jean admitted with a sigh. “I’ve been using that money to keep Novelsy afloat for the last four months. And anyway, that’s not where it came that from. That’s from the sale.”

“Sale? You sold Novelsy?” Lilah exclaimed with wide eyes, jumping from her seat. “But Jean that was-”

“My dream?” the other woman completed with a little sad smile. “See I thought so too, but I began to realize the only dream part of it pissing off my parents and Novelsy deserve better than that. Who knows? Maybe these new people can do a better job than I did.”

“Don’t say that. You did a fantastic job!” Lilah said, coming to sit next to her and wrapping her arms around Jean’s shoulders, pulling the other woman into a hug. “You could’ve talked to me, you know?”

“You had your own thing happening with film school and Keanu.” Jean shrugged and Lilah pulled away to glare at her.

“No matter what’s going on in my life, I’ll always be there for yours, ok? Always. You’re my person, remember?” Lilah said, her tone leaving no room for argument and Jean smiled and nodded. “So now what? What are you gonna do?”

“Honestly? I have no idea,” Jean replied, her expression turning into a grin. “It’s kind of exciting not knowing.”

“You and I have very different concepts of exciting,” she commented with a chuckle, resting her head on Jean’s shoulder. “But you’re really ok? About the sale?”

“I mean, I’m sad and all, but yeah. It was for the best. They promised to keep all the same staff and structure and that’s the only reason I agreed.”

“That’s good, but I still can’t take this money, Jean.”

“Yes, you can. I did some math of all you the time have helped with Novelsy throughout the years without charging a cent. That’s about what I’d owe you.”

“That can’t be right,” Lilah snorted in disbelief and Jean flashed a sly smirk.

“Ok, maybe I added a healthy bonus too, but still…” Jean took Lilah’s hand in hers, entwining their fingers together. “You’re my person too and you deserve to have a chance to do this. Let me do this for you, please?”

Lilah felt her eyes stinging with unshed tears, her heart beating wildly in her heart as she hugged Jean. she was out of words to tell her friend how much this meant to her.

“I… you… thank you,” she choked, fully crying know and watching as Jean’s eyes welled up too. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Lih.” Her expression opened up into a wide grin. “You’re going to film school.”

“I’m going to film school,” Lilah agreed, her voice a little high-pitched, her own lips drawing into a smile. “I'M GOING TO FUCKING FILM SCHOOL!”

They squealed together, jumping and hugging and laughing and it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. Lilah had made her choice.

A moment later, Isaac came into the room, with a confused look on his face but since Lilah was still chanting that she was going to film school, he quickly caught on and joined the celebration. Lilah was breathless from laughing so hard, her cheeks hurting, and she might her twisted her ankle with all the jumping around, but she was so happy that she didn’t care. That was why she missed her mom’s first two calls. She only caught the third.

“Hi mom!” she greeted, signaling Isaac to turn down the music.

“Honey, you need to come home,” her mother said, her voice low and broken and Lilah felt all the cheerfulness draining from inside her. “Jamie was in an accident. He’s in the hospital…”

She couldn’t hear anything else due to the blood rushing through her ears; it felt like her ribcage was compressing her lungs and her heart trying to bust out of her chest. Her knees gave out and if it wasn’t Isaac’s quick reflexes, Lilah would be on the floor. Her phone wasn’t so lucky and she barely registered Jean talking to her mother, finding out what happened.

It had been so long since Lilah had an anxiety attack, so it took her a while to recognize it now. She sat on the floor, head between her knees as she tried to control her breathing and concentrate on something else, anything else. Her nails dug on Isaac’s arms as she tried to count her breaths and listen to what he was saying.

Lilah knew how anxiety attacks worked. She knew it was just her body freaking out because it thought there was danger around the corner. Lilah just needed to wait them out. It might feel like she was dying, but in the end, she would be ok.

It took Lilah about 15 minutes to regain control again and be able to refocus on her friends. Both Isaac and Jean were on the floor with her. She was practically on Isaac’s lap as he was holding her against his chest while Jean sat by her side. Lilah’s face was wet with tears and she had left five crescent-shaped wounds on Isaac’s arm.

“How are you, hon?” Jean asked.

“I need to go home.” It was all Lilah managed, struggling out of Isaac’s hold to get up. There was too much to do and no time to waste. “Can one of you check flights for me? I need to call Dr. Williams and my TA to cover my classes.”

“I’ll start packing your suitcase,” Isaac offered. “You should call Keanu. He’s coming back tonight, right?”

“Shit!” Lilah froze, turning to look at them. She completely forgot about Keanu. About everything else really. “I’ll call him from the cab.”

If someone asked Lilah how she managed to get everything ready and herself to Miami, she wouldn’t be able to tell you. It was all just a big blur to her. All she knew was that a little over five hours after she got her mother’s call, Lilah was stepping through the doors of Jackson Memorial Hospital where she knew Jamie would have been taken. It was the hospital he did his residency and where her father worked and taught.

Lilah knew this place like the back of her hand. Most of the nursing staff knew her so they didn’t even blink when she walked in and didn’t even paused by the reception area, just headed straight for the waiting room outside the surgical center, where she found her mom, Alba, sitting next to Jamie’s mom, Susan, comforting the other woman.

They looked up when Lilah walked in, her mother’s expression turning into one of relief as she let go of Susan long enough to meet her halfway from a hug.

“Que bom que você aqui. (I’m so glad you’re here),” she whispered, her voice wavered a little and Lilah just held her tight, breathing in the familiar scent of lilies from her mom’s skin.

“What happened?” Lilah asked as she let go of her mom to hug Susan, before taking a seat, holding her mom’s hand tight.

“They say he ran a red light,” her mom explained, and Susan let out a loud sob. “A pick-up truck hit his car, driver’s side.” Lilah felt the familiar tightness in her chest and forced out a long, shaky breath. This was not the time for another panic attack. Everyone here needed her. “Your father is with him.”

That much Lilah figured the second he didn’t see him. Technically no family member should be allowed anywhere near the OR, but her father was one of the top surgeons of this hospital and it was very hard to say no to him.

“Foi muito ruim? (How bad was it?)” she whispered to her mom, mindful of Susan. Alba took a deep breath, her hand tightening over Lilah’s.

“(Ruim) Bad.”

Once again, Lilah forced her lungs to keep working, her breath to remain steady as she tried to settle a little better on the uncomfortable couch of the waiting room. The hours dragged by without news. The only sounds in the room were hospital announcements and Susan’s sniffles.

Lilah got tired of the couch and started pacing, trying to work out some of the nervous energy running through her. Every once in a while she would check her phone, update Jean and Isaac. There had been no word from Keanu, but Lilah couldn’t bring herself to worry about that right now.

The OR doors were pushed open and her father stepped out, expression drawn into a deep frown of concern, the lines in his face deeper than Lilah remember from when she visited during the summer.

“They finished repairing his lung and had to remove his spleen. He should be out in another hour or so and head straight for observation,” he announced, his eyes landing on Lilah and his expression softening a little. “Hi, baby.”

“Hi dad,” she breathed out, against the crook of his neck as Frank wrapped her into a tight hug.

“My boy’s gonna be fine then?” Susan asked, her voice raspy from crying.

“He’s not out of the woods yet, but Jamie’s strong and Owen’s the best trauma surgeon I know,” he said with an encouraging smile, but Lilah noticed it didn’t quite reach his eyes. She had never seen her father scared before. “I’m going back in.”

With a final kiss to Lilah’s forehead, Frank turned around and headed back into the OR, leaving them behind. She could Susan on her phone, probably updating her husband while Alba’s fingers worked through her rosary and she prayed under her breath.

Lilah sighed and headed to the reception where she knew there was a coffee machine. She had been up for God knows how many hours and the adrenaline was starting to fade, exhaustion sipping so deep it almost seemed to reach her bones.

Lilah blamed her fatigue for not noticing him right away even though she must have walked right by him on her way to the coffee machine. He stood at the reception desk, carry on by his side talking to one of the nurses. It wasn’t until she heard her own name that Lilah turned to look, recognizing him.

“Keanu?” She called and he turned her way, his brow furrowed with worry.

“Lil,” he walked up to her, stopping just a step away, almost as if unsure if he could come closer, touch her.

“What you doing here?” Lilah asked her astonishment making it hard for her to process his presence.

“I heard about your brother, and I just…” Keanu sighed, rubbing his face. “I don’t know. I wanted to be here for you.”

Lilah felt the knot in her chest rising to her throat as her eyes stung. She closed the distance between them, letting Keanu wrap her into a hug, feeling him kiss the top of her head. She fisted the back of his blazer, fighting against the need to break down. It wasn’t time yet. No matter how safe she felt on his arms.

They stayed there, wrapped around each other until one of the orderlies asked them to move since they were blocking the way. They broke away, but Keanu took her hand, entwining their fingers together and Lilah led the way back to the waiting room. She paused just outside the door in hesitation, before she glanced over at Keanu.

 “This wasn’t how I pictured you meeting my family,” she said with a humorless chuckle. Keanu gave her a soft, reassuring smile and squeezed her hand.

“I know, but it’s going to be fine.”

Lilah nodded and pushed the door open. She really hoped Keanu was right.

x(tbc)x

Go to part 16

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[three-drink-amy]

If After All These Years, You’d Like to Meet

Note:  Here we are, six months exactly after I posted the first chapter. This was the first fic I wrote for this fandom and it was an absolute pleasure to write! The reaction has been unbelievable and has made me want to continue writing not only this one, but other stories. This story ended up being so much longer than I ever expected I could write. I loved this version of these characters and I'm so glad that others did too! I hope you enjoy this final installment. Thank you for all the support and feedback!

master list - AO3

Chapter Twenty-Two

Claire sat on the picnic blanket, stroking her large belly. She could hear high pitched giggles carrying through the air as her husband and their child approached the picnic site. “Mama!” Claire looked over to see her second child hanging off Jamie’s shoulders, his arms keeping her from falling. 

“Couldn’t find Ellen?” Claire asked, reaching her arms out for her child. Jamie handed her over before sitting down next to Claire. 

“She ran off wi’ Young Ian,” Jamie explained. “Jenny went to find her and send her up this way.” 

“You think she knows it well enough?” Claire asked, her eyes scanning the field. 

“Aye. She spends plenty of time here,” Jamie reminded her. “Plus, she and Ian have wandered everywhere together. I’m sure she knows this land better than we did at her age.” 

Claire grinned. “I don’t know about that. I was talking about the cave the other day and she had no idea it existed. It was probably a bad idea to mention it.” 

“Mama, I wanna eat,” Lucy cried, curling in closer to her mother. 

Claire leaned down and planted a kiss on the small girl’s head. “Soon, sweetheart. We’re waiting on your sister.” 

Lucy sighed dramatically. “I dinna want to wait.” 

Claire glanced over at Jamie as they shared a look. A jolt to her stomach made Claire gasp. She laid a hand over the spot that had just been kicked rather violently. “Goodness,” she sighed. Jamie scooted closer and ran a hand along her stomach, leaning down to kiss it. “Don’t get too close. He might kick you too.” 

Jamie laughed, leaning back as he picked up Lucy and held her in his lap. “I’ll leave that privilege to ye, Sassenach,” he said with a grin. 

“Of course you will.” 

“Do ye need me to have a stern talk wi’ the lad?” Jamie asked. He leaned down, his head resting on her stomach. “Now ye listen to me, Henry Brian Fraser, ye’re no’ to be using yer mam like a human football. She willna thank ye verra much for it. And then I’ll have to be doing all the changings when ye’re out.” 

Claire rolled her eyes. “On second thought, stay there. Let your son kick you.” She smacked his arm as he sat up. 

The sound of quickly approaching feet grabbed both their attention as they saw their five year old daughter running toward them. “Ellen, nice of ye to join us,” Jamie remarked, raising an eyebrow at her. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking down. “Ian and I were having an adventure.” 

“Of course you were,” Claire commented as she moved to finally spread out the food. “We did tell you though that we’d be going on our Fraser family picnic at a certain time though.” 

“I know. I’m sorry,” Ellen said, settling down next to Claire. 

“Yer sister’s getting verra hungry,” Jamie informed her. 

“El’s here. I wanna eat!” Lucy yelled this time. 

“Yes, ma���am,” Claire responded, handing Jamie the container with Lucy’s lunch. 

They sat there and had their picnic, fulfilling the little tradition they’d started just over five years before, right before Ellen was born. Jamie had convinced Claire they should go back to Scotland one last time before she had the baby. Even though travel had been anything but enjoyable, she agreed because she truly loved being back in Scotland. And Jenny’s knowledge and advice was a comfort as Claire went through her first pregnancy. About two months before Lucy was born, Jamie had suggested they make it a tradition. This pregnancy, they didn’t even need to address it. They’d both decided it would happen again. Traveling with their children was never easy either, but they found themselves back in Scotland much more often as their family grew. 

Jamie and Claire had been married at Lallybroch in a small but beautiful ceremony. They didn’t need much more than the quiet simplicity with their friend group and Jamie’s family. Their married life hadn’t changed much from when they’d moved in together, but they were still blissfully happy. 

The biggest change had come when Claire got pregnant. 

“We have to be clever,” Claire reminded Jamie. “They’re going to know something’s up if I’m not drinking.” 

Jamie sighed. “I know, Sassenach. Ye’ve mentioned this ten times.” Claire turned and glared at him. 

“I’m sorry, perhaps the energy from growing your child wiped it from my mind,” she retorted. “Look, I don’t want to steal the focus from Rupert and Hannah tonight. So we just need to be sneaky. It’s too early to tell them anyway.” 

“The doctor said ye’re having a very healthy pregnancy. Surely it would be fine if they found out,” Jamie reasoned. 

“Why jinx it?” 

Jamie nodded with a shrug as he followed Claire into the private room of a restaurant where they were meeting the rest of their friends. 

It was only two years after Jamie and Claire had been married. Rupert had met Hannah at a work party Jamie and Louise had decided to throw. Sparks had immediately flown and they’d just gotten engaged. The group was all getting together for a small engagement dinner at the couple’s favorite restaurant. 

Everyone gathered in a circle, drinks raised in the air. Claire tried to be nonchalant about her water she was toasting with. Rupert was starting to speak when his eyes locked on Claire’s glass. 

“Claire? Do ye only have water? Ye canna just toast wi’ water,” he pointed out. 

Everyone turned to look at her. The hand of Jamie’s that was resting on her waist tensed slightly. “Uh, no, it’s vodka,” Claire lied. 

“You’re drinking a full glass of vodka?” John asked, his brow furrowed. “Doubtful.” 

“Who cares what I’m drinking? Let’s just toast!” Claire exclaimed, trying to throw off the attention. 

“Claire, honey,” Louise began, turning from the happy couple to watch Claire. “Is there a reason you’re drinking water?” 

Claire sighed. “Just trying to cut back a bit,” she tried. “You know, we really do drink a lot.” 

“We havena been out in weeks,” Willie stated. 

“Aye, especially ye and Jamie,” Angus said as he narrowed his eyes at them. 

“Could it be…” Geillis asked. 

“Could it be that it’s Rupert and Hannah’s big night and we’re supposed to be toasting them? Yes, indeed,” Claire said, still trying to avert attention. 

“Hannah, give me yer ring,” Rupert said. Hannah laughed as she took it off and placed it on his palm. “There, tis like we’re no’ engaged. Now, Claire, tell us.” He took a long pause. “Are ye pregnant?” 

She still couldn’t admit it. “What makes you think I’m pregnant? Just because of the water?” 

“That and yer boobs are huge,” Geillis remarked. 

“Aye, they are, aren’t they?” Jamie said with a grin. 

“Jamie!” Claire scolded, slapping his arm. 

“Sorry.” 

Hannah met Claire’s gaze. “Claire, don’t worry about stealing our spotlight. Are you pregnant?” 

Claire took one look at Jamie and he gave her a look that said “Up to you.” She shrugged and took a deep breath. “I am,” she admitted quietly. 

The whole group burst out in cheers and yells, clearly very excited for the both of them. Jamie and Claire were met with hugs and claps on the back as their friends joined in their formerly private celebration. 

“I canna believe ye’re pregnant,” Geillis said, tears in her eyes. “This is incredible!” 

“Well done, lad,” Rupert said to Jamie with a wink. Jamie laughed but Claire glared at Rupert. 

“This is amazing news!” Hector joined in. 

“Your baby just needs to know that I was your child first,” John reminded them. The whole group burst out in laughter at that. 

“Well thank you all,” Claire said, wrapping her arm around Jamie’s waist. “Now, Rupert give Hannah back that ring so we can celebrate your big news instead of ours.” 

They smiled as Rupert slid the ring back on her finger and the group resumed toasting the newly engaged couple. As they sat around the table eating dinner and unhelpfully making suggestions for the future wedding, Rupert set his sights on John and Hector. 

“So lads, when will it be yer turn?” Rupert asked, one brow raised. 

John rolled his eyes before he placed his hand over Hector’s on the table. “We’re taking our time. What’s the rush?” 

Claire had been largely pregnant (and indignant about it) at Rupert and Hannah’s wedding. It had been rather the opposite of Jamie and Claire’s wedding. The whole thing was large and boisterous, but also fun. Claire and Jamie made sure to avoid Dougal Mackenzie as best they could. A lot of Jamie’s cousins he didn’t speak with much were there. Claire picked up on some of their comments on not being invited to Jamie’s wedding. Neither of them had any regrets though. 

When Ellen was eighteen months old, John and Hector finally got engaged. They had a long engagement and by the time their wedding day arrived, Claire was pregnant with Lucy. 

Claire appreciated the sight of Jamie standing up at the altar. It had been since their own wedding that she’d been afforded such a view. She couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked in his tux. Claire bent down as best she could to whisper to Ellen. “Okay, darling, you see Da up there? All you have to do is walk up to him. If you drop some flowers on the ground on the way there, even better.” John laughed as he stood next to Claire. “Think you can do it?” 

Ellen looked up, a bit unsure. The little girl looked down the aisle to her father who was nodding and gesturing for her to walk to him. Suddenly she straightened up and set back her shoulders and walked slowly and calmly down the aisle, dropping petals one at a time. Claire laughed and shook her head as she watched her daughter walk from her to Jamie. 

“I want to take a moment to say thank you, Claire,” John whispered to her. 

Claire looked over at John in confusion. “Whatever for?” 

“For all you’ve done for me and Hector. For all you’ve done for me in general,” John explained. 

“And yet you still chose Jamie as your best man,” Claire reminded him. “What happened to us Sassenachs sticking together?” 

John chuckled. “You know it had to be Jamie.” 

She grinned, nudging him with her shoulder. “I know.” 

“But I couldn’t walk down the aisle without my mother,” John said, extending his arm to her. Claire smiled brightly as she linked her arm through his. “Seriously though, you’re a wonderful person, Claire. You’ve brought so much joy to my life just by being my friend.” 

“Dear God, John. At least pretend you’re British,” Claire remarked, trying to hold in tears. “You can’t say these things to a pregnant lady.” 

“If it weren’t for you and Jamie, I don’t think I’d even be with Hector, so thank you,” John continued. “You both did so much for me after...after the attack. I don’t think most relationships would have survived something like that on the first date.” 

“I think that speaks more to you and Hector than it does to Jamie and I helping you,” Claire admitted. 

“Perhaps. But you pushed me to take care of myself and helped me while I was trying to do so. You both did. You guys changed my life,” John said, leaning in to kiss Claire’s cheek, “And I’ll be forever grateful.” 

Tears were starting to spill from Claire’s eyes. “Well what kind of parents would we be if we didn’t do so?” she teased. The music changed, signaling their time to walk down the aisle. She squeezed his arm. “But in all seriousness, we love you. Both of you.” 

John smiled brightly as he started walking with her. “The feeling is mutual.” 

“I will say, I’m a bit mad that you followed Rupert’s lead and got married while I was largely pregnant,” Claire remarked. 

“Well maybe you should keep your legs closed for a bit,” John joked. 

Claire smacked his arm lightly, stifling a laugh as they processed down the aisle.

On their walk back to the house after their picnic, Lucy fell asleep in Jamie’s arms. Claire could tell that Ellen was getting tired too, but she would surely fight a nap. She often tried to tell her parents that she was too old to nap. Claire craved some rest herself. 

Jamie quietly walked up to the room Lucy and Ellen were sharing and tucked Lucy in. Ellen had found Ian and Caitlin in the kitchen and was trying to rally so she could spend time with them. Claire shrugged, deciding to let Ellen do what she wanted. She turned and laid down on the couch, needing some rest herself. 

She didn’t end up getting much before Jamie found her. “Are ye up to go look at something wi’ me, mo nighean donn?” Jamie asked. 

Claire groaned. “What are we looking at?” she asked, not opening her eyes. “Your son is draining my energy.” 

“Tis a surprise, I’m afraid,” Jamie said with a small grin. 

“You’re trying to get me to go somewhere with you and you won’t say where?” Claire asked. “If I weren’t eight months pregnant, I’d think this was an excuse for a romp somewhere. But I think you know that’s not happening.” 

Jamie laughed, kneeling down next to the couch. “Nah, no’ that, sadly.” He laid his hand high up on her thigh. “Though ye ken there are other ways of finding some pleasure,” he reminded her as he waggled his eyebrows and moved his hand up higher. 

Claire slapped at his hand as she laughed. “Jamie, your sister is in the next room. Not to mention our daughter.” 

He chuckled, moving his hand instead to rest on her stomach as he kissed her gently. “No’ to worry, I ken our potential audience.” He jumped up, extending an arm to her. “Will ye join me? We can take the car.” 

“It’s that far away?” Claire asked. 

“Tis further than ye’d want to walk.” 

She shook her head with a sigh and smacked her hand into his. 

They stood in front of her parents’ old house, still in surprisingly good shape. “You know you’ve brought me here before, right?” 

“Aye, I ken that,” Jamie said, still looking up at the house. He bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. “But there’s something ye dinna ken about the place.” 

“What’s that?” 

“Tis for sale,” Jamie told her, turning to meet her gaze. “And...I put an offer on it.” 

“I’m sorry, what?” Claire said, looking between him and the house. 

“I ken I should have mentioned something earlier, but I had to jump on it. When I was up in Glasgow for work last month, I saw the sign as I was driving to Lallybroch. I stopped, stared at it for a long time, and then I called them and asked to see the place,” Jamie confessed. 

“You did this all without telling me?” Claire asked him. 

“Yes, and I ken that was wrong. We should decide things together. But I havena officially purchased it. Tis still just an offer,” Jamie rushed to say. “I want yer final decision before I sign anything.” 

“Look, obviously this house means a lot to me,” Claire admitted, “but it’s in Scotland. I know we’re doing pretty well, but not ‘have two residences’ well.” 

“I ken that too, but we’ve also talked about moving out of London,” Jamie reminded her. “Wi’ the girls and now the new bairn, it would be a good time for it.” 

“And so you think we should move back up here?” Claire asked. 

“We’ve talked about it.” 

“I know we have. But we never came to a decision.” Claire sighed. Her heart yearned to go back in and walk the halls she used to walk with her parents. “So we have an offer on this?” 

“Aye, they’ve actually accepted it,” Jamie told her. “But I said I had to talk it over wi’ my wife before I signed anything.” He watched her as she stared at the house. “Living in London is no’ what it was when we reunited there. Rupert, Hannah, and Angus all live in Edinburgh.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Louise took that job in Paris.” 

“She did.” 

“Geillis would probably follow us as an excuse to go back to Scotland,” Jamie argued. 

Claire laughed. “You’re right, she probably would.” 

“That really only leaves Willie, John, and Hector. And you know Willie has one foot out the door.” 

“Yeah, I think he does,” Claire agreed with a sigh. 

“Our days of spending the weekends closing down a pub wi’ our friends have been over for a while now,” Jamie admitted. “And we pay quite a lot on our home. The city is a grand place, but tis no’ like here. We were both raised here and enjoyed it, aye?” 

Claire finally took her eyes off the house and looked over at Jamie. “Aye.” She smiled, moving to tuck herself into his side. “Yes, we certainly did.” She shook her head as she weighed all his arguments. “As much as I love London and will always love London, it would be nice to be closer to the family. And to have more space for the kids to be kids.” 

“Aye, that’s just what I was thinking as well.” 

“The group has dispersed so it’s not like we’d be staying for them. And we should be thinking of our family before them anyway,” Claire reasoned. “And Ellen definitely loves it up here. I don’t think she’d have any issues with the move.” 

Jamie smiled, thinking of how naturally his daughter had taken to the land. It brought him such joy to see her tear across the same fields he’d done so. “We always talked about leaving the city someday, but when I saw this was becoming available, it seemed like a sign.” 

Claire let out a deep breath, running a hand absentmindedly over her stomach. “I could see that.” She turned to look at Jamie. “But what about our jobs?” 

“I could get transferred up here,” Jamie informed her. “I spoke wi’ my boss and it would be an easy process. There’s the office in Glasgow, as ye ken. That would be an easy commute. Plus, there would be a hospital in Glasgow I’m sure that would want ye. Ye’re a fantastic doctor.” 

Claire rolled her eyes. “Laying it on a bit thick. Feeling guilty for doing all this behind my back?” 

“A bit. I want ye to be on board, but I willna push ye toward something ye dinna want to do,” Jamie assured her. “Whatever we both want for our family is the most important. I can take back the offer on this and we can find something outside London if ye’d rather.” 

Claire was silent for a long time as she thought through each aspect of Jamie’s plan. The fact that it was her parents’ old home, the last place she’d had a family before her children came along did make it feel like a sign. London had linked her to Uncle Lamb and when he’d passed, that was what she needed. That was what had felt like home. But now that she was a mother, she craved the idea of a link to her parents again. The idea that her children could grow up and play in the same place that their parents and aunt and uncles did gave her a ridiculous amount of joy. Lallybroch had always brought her happiness and peace. Getting to be there regularly sounded pretty perfect. She’d just never considered the option until now. 

Claire turned around and looked at the road that led to Lallybroch. She saw the backyard where she used to play in the refurbished shed. There was the tree that was much easier to climb than the ones at Lallybroch. This place held so many sweet memories that she’d held close to her heart in the years after she left Scotland. Suddenly, with a kick from the baby, the decision became very easy. 

“Leave the offer on the table,” she said as she walked up to the front porch. Turning around, she saw Jamie’s broad grin as he strolled towards her. 

He wrapped his arms around her. “Ye mean it? Ye’re sure?” 

Claire nodded. “London was our home for a while. And we both loved it and will always love it. And we can take the kids back and show them all the wonderful parts of it. But Scotland is also our home. And it’s where we should be. I didn’t really think about it until you showed me all of this.” She felt another swift kick. Claire laughed, rubbing a hand along her belly. “And I think Henry agrees. He thinks this is our home too.” 

Jamie smiled, bending down to kiss her belly. “Smart lad.” He looked at her. “Ye’re sure?” 

Claire wrapped her arms around his neck as best she could with her large stomach between them. “Yes I am. It just feels right.” She leaned up as Jamie leaned down and met her for a kiss.

“Well then, welcome home, Claire Beauchamp Fraser,” Jamie announced, gesturing to the house. “Apparently there’s only been one family living here since ye last did. When I looked through it, there didna seem to be too much changed. It seemed just the same.” 

Claire curled into his side, staring at the house. “That sounds nice. But realistically, we’ll probably have a lot to change. You know you’ll want a nicer kitchen than the outdated one my parents had.” 

Jamie laughed, wrapping his arm around her. “We can make whatever changes ye like, a nighean.” 

Claire leaned up and kissed his cheek. “This is a terrible time to be making a big move,” she reminded him, looking down at her prominent belly. “But I can’t deny that it seems perfect.” 

They stood there for a while longer, intermittently sharing a silence and crafting plans. Soon they turned back for Lallybroch, enjoying how quickly they got there. That night, they sat down to tell the girls the news, hoping they’d be as excited as Jamie and Claire were becoming. 

Ellen was very thrilled at the prospect of being minutes away from her cousins instead of hours. Lucy didn’t seem to really know what it all meant, but was smiling nonetheless. Claire held her youngest daughter on her lap as she watched Jamie hold their eldest and share in the excitement of the upcoming move. 

Jenny and Ian were also quite thrilled at the idea of having them so close. Their children were already inseparable during their visits. They all shared the same joy at the idea of their children living out a similar happy childhood as their own. The Frasers and the Murrays must have been destined to spend their childhoods on those lands. 

It was three months later that they finally moved into the house. Wrapping up their lives in London while also welcoming a new baby and trying to pack up had been chaotic. And in that time, Claire and Jamie never gave up on trying to convince John and Hector that they should move to Scotland. 

Jamie had moved up to Scotland two weeks before the big day due to the transfer. He’d taken the girls with him and entrusted them to Jenny and Ian. Claire had finished up packing away their lives when not nursing and changing Henry. She felt capable of undergoing it all by herself, but she couldn’t deny her relief and happiness when Jamie surprised her two days before the movers were due to arrive. 

They spent their last night in the house they’d welcomed all their children. The first place that had been only theirs. They’d moved in there when Claire was expecting Ellen. It had been a happy place. Though they were excited to move back to Scotland, it was a bittersweet moment. 

It felt strange to Claire to be unpacking all her new things in her old house. She felt she’d misremembered certain things in the almost thirty years since she’d lived there. But the feeling of contentment remained. And that was all that mattered. 

The girls were discovering the shed, one Jamie had made sure was still in good condition before letting them loose in, while Henry napped. Claire was down to her last box to unpack. It had only taken a couple of weeks, which seemed like an impressive undertaking with three small children. Claire had decided to wait to look for jobs until she was ready to go back to work. And at the moment, she was enjoying the time with her children, even if that just meant unpacking while they ran around and played. Jamie walked in the door from work and Claire held the last box up victoriously. 

“We did it!” she cried, waving the box over her head. “We’re officially moved in!” 

Jamie walked over and wrapped his arms around her, meeting her for a kiss. “I believe ye beat all our other records.” 

She laughed, kissing him again. “Yes, I believe I did. I’m amazing.” 

Jamie beamed at her, a smile on his face. “I’ve always thought so.” Claire shook her head, wrapping herself tighter around him. “What’s this?” Jamie asked, spotting something over her shoulder. She turned around to see him looking at the housewarming gift Jenny had dropped off earlier in the day. 

“It’s from Jenny.” 

Jamie smiled as he stared at it, wonderful memories clearly coming to mind. It was a frame that held two pictures. The first was the picture Claire had found when she’d moved to London of Jamie and Claire sitting on the fence as children. The second was the picture Jenny had insisted they take sitting on the same fence, their three children with them. 

“Tis perfect,” Jamie commented, seeming a bit choked up. 

“It is.” Claire hugged him tighter before Henry started waking, drawing her attention. She brought the baby back over, holding him between them. 

Jamie bent down to kiss his son’s head. He then kissed Claire’s forehead. “We’ll be happy here, aye?” 

The girls raced in, running past their parents for the kitchen. Claire laughed, looking around at the family they had and the life they’d built. She leaned in close to Jamie. “I think you should know by now, we’ll be happy wherever we’re together.” She kissed him softly. “You and me.” 

“And the bairns.” 

Claire laughed. “Exactly. Our family.”

Jamie leaned his forehead against hers. “Tis all we need.”

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53

AO3

Beta-d, as always, by @theministerskat! Thank you, love!

Chapter 54. Counting Days

There is a subtle feeling of trespassing, wrapping itself around your heart and squeezing lightly, when you step into someone’s empty bedroom. A feeling strong enough to make your breath come slow and heavy, your feet tread with caution, not to disturb the spirit of the absent owner. As if your own body marks you as an intruder and tries to make your presence subtle, even though your rebel hands leave invisible fingerprints on every surface, proof of a long-lost innocence.

I was sitting on Jamie’s bed, looking around, feeling the emotions rising in my chest.

I was in his room. His bed, his books, his posters on the walls.

And yet, I wasn’t home.

This couldn’t be home without him. It couldn’t be home without his clothes neatly hanging in the closet. The air felt empty of laughter, the sheets immaculate and wrinkless underneath my fingers. No one would whisper dreams and stories to me when I’d lay down at night.

“Are ye going to sit there all day, lost in your ominous thoughts?” Jenny’s stern voice came from the door, and I turned to look at her without knowing the answer to her question, or how she had deduced the nature of my thoughts.

I hadn’t seen Jamie in months, and though I always missed him, I had never felt his absence drive into me like a knife through my chest. Never, until the moment I entered his room and realized I would be sleeping in his bed without his breath on my neck, without his arms around me. It didn’t feel right.

“Claire!” Jenny’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts once more. “Stop it! I’m not letting you stay here, with that morose look on your face, staring at Jamie’s stuff.” She looked at me through narrowed eyes, both hands fixed on her hips. “The best Fraser is here, anyway,” she added with a light shrug and a wink. “No?”

“Your Da, you mean?” I teased her, and couldn’t stop my smirk as I saw both her eyebrows rise.

“I should leave you here, crying over the shirts Jamie left behind.” She wore a smug grin and tilted her head towards the stairs. “Come! I’ve made tea.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot how tea is a synonym for panacea.”

She stopped just outside the room and turned to look at me, squaring her shoulders. “What kind of Englishwoman are you?” she challenged me with mock offence.

Avoiding her sharp glance, I rose and walked to the door. One Fraser was always better than none. And even though I felt like curling up in Jamie’s room and being miserable, arguing with Jenny Fraser required more energy than I had.

--

Sleeping in Jamie’s bed without him was not as horrible as I had thought. We talked every night until I fell asleep, and I carried his voice with me in my dreams. It was enough to make me wake with a smile on my face.

Days raced by, as they always did when I stayed at Lallybroch. Between texting and calling Jamie, studying to be prepared for medical school, reading classic literature with Jenny, and choosing between her endless versions of labels for Lallider -- the Lallybroch cider she and Ian had made over the previous months -- there was hardly any time to think about how quickly the days were passing.

I had missed Jenny. Her warm smile when she listened to my stories from Zambia, her crude tone when she decided I had talked with Jamie enough and it was time for us to go for drinks, her loud laughter when she had more than two pints, and the hugs she gave me every time she suspected I might be feeling lonely.

When I was a little girl, I always tried to imagine how my life would be if I had siblings. Someone to talk to late at night, someone to conspire with when Lamb couldn’t hear us, someone to hold my hand when I was afraid. Someone who would be there, and I wouldn’t be alone.

Jenny and I might not build fortresses or climb trees together, but I had found my sister in her. And I knew she would be there for me, no matter what happened between her brother and me.

Not that I planned to let anything ruin my relationship with Jamie. Now that we could call each other every day, his only complaint was that we were all together at Lallybroch, and he alone in Ann Arbor. Alone as a figure of speech, because he was never really by himself, what with John, Hector, and the other members of the swim team going out or gathering at their dorm. He still proclaimed that we shouldn’t have fun without him though, and kept sending pouty faces every time I sent him selfies from our nights out in Inverness. At the end of the night, however, when I saw his eyes smiling at me through the screen, we would count down the days together until his return to Scotland.

As Jamie’s arrival approached, I started researching destinations in Scotland, wanting to spend a few days alone with him. I had been almost sure he’d be as excited as I was when I proposed the idea of a road trip to the north, without plans or itinerary, when I got Jamie’s text rejecting my idea.

Scot: You haven’t had enough of Scotland already, Sassenach?

Sassenach: I’ve never been to the North Coast! I saw pictures and there are so many places to visit! Jenny told me you traveled there with your parents, when you were children. Do you remember anything?

Scot: It was green.

Sassenach: 🙄

Scot: Okay, yes, I remember. Wide beaches, the ocean, rivers running down emerald hills, Highland coos. That’s all.

Sassenach: Well, that sounds GREAT! It’s enough for me!

Scot: Not for me. It will be tiring. And I doubt we’ll find rooms to stay.

Sassenach: FFS

“Well, that’s a twisted face, if I’ve ever seen one,” Jenny remarked as she came to sit on the bench next to me, a sheen of sweat appearing on her forehead from the shining sun.

I huffed. “It’s your brother, you know. The beginning of all evil in my life.”

Jenny laughed, blue eyes crinkling with mirth. “What did he do, now?”

“I suggested we travel for a few days, go to the North Coast. But he doesn’t want to.”

“Oh.” Jenny averted her eyes, looking far at the hills hiding the horizon. “He must have missed Lallybroch. Not that he’ll ever admit it.”

“Yes, that’s what I thought, too,” I agreed, then took in her rosy cheeks and short breaths. “And where have you been?”

“Wi’ Ian,” she replied, simply, and I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

“We were examining the trees at the orchard, if you need to know,” she exclaimed indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sure you did.”

Jenny pursed her lips ready to reply when my phone buzzed with a picture of Jamie sending kisses, probably feeling guilty for turning down my suggestion of a week of summer holidays alone.

“So how are things between you?” Jenny bumped into my shoulder with hers, wisely changing the subject as she turned her eyes away from my phone. “With the distance and everything?” A playful smile was on her lips, but her eyes were serious, inquisitive.

“It’s… Okay.” I took a moment before I continued, my fingers trailing on the bluebells of my necklace. I had replied to the same question hundreds of times, but I couldn’t give a superficial answer to Jenny. “It’s not okay, actually,” I chuckled nervously, feeling self-conscious all of a sudden. I rubbed my hands together, interlinked the fingers to keep them from moving, then crossed my legs before I untangled them again.  “But we make do,” I asserted, nodding to myself.

Jenny studied me, then made a strange noise in her throat. “I haven’t seen ye fight. Do ye? Did you get distant?” she asked, now straddling the bench to look straight at me.

“No, no. Nothing of the sort. It’s just… I miss him, you know? I want to share things with him and he’s not here. So I end up texting him and sending pictures with the most trivial things. He does the same.”

Jenny nodded, frowning. “It’s working, though.” She smirked, her gaze falling on my phone again. “Ye may seem ridiculous, and trust me ye do, but ye have kept your lives together even though you’re not in the same place.”

“I guess so.” I gave her a timid smile. “I know that sending him a picture of my meal is stupid, but then he sends me his and I feel connected to him, somehow. It’s not like eating lunch together as we did at school, but it’s something.”

Jenny nodded, and we kept silent for a long while.

“You know,” she started, running her fingers through her sleek black hair and fixing them up into a ponytail. “After Christmas, when Jamie and I came back at Lallybroch with Ian, I went through this phase when I all I could think was, ‘That’s it. That is all I’ll ever have.’ I was with Ian, whom I knew my whole life, and we would go to uni together and I would always be with him. And it scared me, realizing that.”

I turned to look at her, this girl that never stopped surprising me. I had been in Edinburgh back then, and I would never have imagined Jenny having second thoughts about Ian.

“I mean…” she continued, rushing to explain when she saw my confusion. “I grew up in a small place and Ian had always been there. I don’t remember myself without Ian around. We were kids when we got together, that summer when he kissed me, and it had felt like the most natural thing in the world. Then, I saw you and Jamie getting separated by an ocean I wondered what my life would be if I wasn’t with Ian. If I would be the same person, if I would be different. If I would study abroad, not having Ian to keep me in Edinburgh.”

“Did you want to?” I asked. “Did you want to leave Scotland?”

Jenny sighed, and a soft smile curled her lips up. “No, not really. It didn’t take me long to realize I am the person I want to be when I am with Ian. He smooths my edges. He makes me laugh. He understands me even when I don’t understand myself. I grew up with him and I know now that I want to grow old with him. To live with him by my side. To share the journey.”

I nodded, smiling as I took in the beauty of her conviction. “Sometimes I wonder whether things would be easier if I hadn’t met Jamie when I did,” I confessed as the sun dove lower, kissing the top of the hills. “If I met him after university, after we’d done all we needed to do. Maybe everything would flow then, and we would be together without the distance between us.”

“But if so, you might have never met him.”

“I know,” I agreed, seeing how pointless that route of thought was. “And that’s why I don’t regret having to live through this. Because I have him, right? I still have him, even though he’s miles away.” Tears welled up in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks, and I felt Jenny’s arms around me, pulling me closer to her. I hadn’t told a soul about these thoughts. Not even Jamie. I cried harder.

“Ye have him and he has you. You went to bloody Zambia and the two of you stayed together. You’re strong, Claire.” She ran her hands against my back, her words as soothing as her caress.

“I know. It’s not rational, this fear that I’ll lose him. We talk every day, we share everything.”

“You love each other, silly! That’s enough.”

“We do,” I admitted, brushing tears away.

“I won’t let him hurt you. And I won’t let you hurt him, okay?” Jenny kissed my cheek as if to emphasize the love in her words. “I promise. I’m the wise one, after all.”

“Right,” I laughed, and hugged her tight.

--

Three weeks at Lallybroch were more than I had initially planned, but they still weren’t enough. A sunny Sunday morning, however, I kissed Jenny, hugged Ian and Brian, and took the train back to Edinburgh. Lamb would start his sabbatical a few weeks after I left for Oxford, and we wanted to spend time together before Jamie returned from the States.

It felt like our days in Egypt, when the two of us had stayed home drinking tea and Lamb filled my imagination with stories of broken artefacts that made his eyes glint with excitement, revealing ancient civilizations and Gods who lost their power when people found new ones to grant their wishes. Those quiet afternoons when he’d tried to show me the internal need humans have to be remembered, the necessity to leave something behind, stronger than flesh and bones. But now I was the one telling the stories, and they were not tales of the past. I was sharing stories of the present, of people who were living and breathing the same moment we did, but Lamb would only meet through my eyes. I talked about their lives, their families, our differences and similarities, of the way they changed who I was and made me a better person. Of the way I might have affected them, too. Lamb was the best audience I could ever ask for, his proud smile and kind eyes filling my heart with joy.

When Lamb wasn’t at home, I found myself strolling around in the city. Edinburgh was different in summer, its streets full of cheerful tourists wandering, standing to listen the bagpipers on the streets or heading towards the castle and the palace. Some days I let my feet take me wherever they would, only to find that I subconsciously visited the places I walked to with Jamie. More than once I ended up at Calton Hill, watching the city with my hair dancing on the breeze, and I could almost feel Jamie’s long fingers tucking the errant curls behind my ear, his hand lingering on my neck as he leaned in for a kiss. And some days, when the sun hit my face long enough, I could almost feel his smile -- warm, full and gentle. As if pieces of our soul were interwoven with this place, making it ours no matter how far apart our bodies were. As if my brain refused to take in the surrounding without conjuring memories of him.

I was sitting on our bench at Calton Hill when Jamie sent a picture of his sleepy face, right after he’d woken. The text came seconds later.  

Scot: One. More. Day.

Sassenach: Less than 24 hours!

The following morning, 22 hours after I’d left Calton Hill, I was waiting with my luggage at arrivals, ready to go back to Lallybroch. It required a humongous amount of strength to stop cracking my knuckles and keep my legs from bouncing.  

His flight had arrived ten minutes ago. People came rushing by me, tourists looking for the information desk, Scots searching for their families and friends.

I thought I would count the days, the months, I had been away from him while waiting. I didn’t -- couldn’t. My mind was blank, as though primed to create new memories.

And then, as I thought my heart would give way from overworking, I spotted him. Tall, red curls falling against his forehead, blue eyes looking around -- searching for me.

My gaze met his and I started walking towards him before I realized it. It was different than our first reunion. I had felt consumed by his presence, then. We had kissed with all the desperation and elation of our passion. Now I wanted to hold him, to get lost in him, to feel his heart beating as I lay my head against his chest.

I didn’t know how long we were hugging for after I crashed against him. How long we were kissing, after his lips found mine. How long we kept still in each others arms, reluctant to let go as if someone would pull us apart. Finally, I took a step back and smiled at the grin lighting his face.

“Come on,” I said, taking his hand in mine and reaching for my luggage with the other. “We have a train to catch.” It was exactly what he’d said to me, when I arrived in Detroit.

His grin grew wider. “I don’t think so, Sassenach.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, frowning, as I turned back to look at him.

“Well,” he blushed. I hadn’t seen Jamie blush in a long while. He ran a hand through his curls and smiled again. “The first time I texted you --”

“Can’t we talk about this on the train? We’re going to be late!” I interrupted him, and he sighed theatrically.

“No. Now listen, will you?”

I looked at him through narrowed eyes but didn’t speak again.

“As I was saying, the first time I texted you, you told me that your favorite food is mushroom risotto, and then ye promised ye would escape with me. First destination…” He squeezed my hand in his, looking at me expectantly.

“Paris,” I whispered, recalling our conversation almost two years ago, and watched him pull out two plane tickets from his backpack.

“Paris,” he confirmed, waving the tickets in the limited space between us. “A week, just the two of us.”

I gasped. If I had any air left in my lungs I was sure it would leave my body in a scream. Instead, I stood there, stupefied, looking at him.

“We’re going to Paris?” I asked, at last, stupidly.

“We are, babe. We’re leaving in two hours.”

Before he could say one more word, I took his face in my hands and kissed him. It wasn’t an easy kiss, given that my mouth would not comply since I couldn’t stop grinning.

Chapter 55

[ontherockswithsalt]

This Charming Man - Something To Wear

A Joble Fanfic

Rating: E

(previous chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5) | (ao3 story link)

A/N: This was a classic scene to rewrite and I hope you like it lol. Adding Bianca into the mix made it more fun.

Chapter 6.

“Bianca.”

“Who is this?” My sister’s scratchy voice mumbles on the other end of the line.

“It’s me!” I angle the receiver closer to my mouth before I pick up the hotel phone from the nightstand and pull it onto the bed.

“Noble,” she realizes and I can hear her shifting around. I obviously woke her up. “I tried calling you all night. You never answered.”

“I haven’t been home.”

“Are you okay?”

“Guess where I am.”

“Oh jeez.” She groans. “I told you if you get arrested, to use your one phone call on Bobby because I don’t have bail money--”

“No listen.” I blow that off, refusing to acknowledge that of all places, she assumes I’m in jail. “A guy picked me up last night -- in a fucking Lotus Esprit -- and I’m in his penthouse at the Waldorf Hotel.”

“What?” She shouts.

“Yeah,” I laugh. “And get this. He wants me to stay the week and he’s gonna pay me three thousand dollars.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“No.”

“What’s up with him?” She wonders.

“I don’t really know.”

“Is he… like, deranged?”

I chuckle. “No. Well. He doesn’t seem to be.”

“Ugly?”

“He’s…” And I pause, closing my eyes because I need to stop believing that he’s so goddamn attractive. It’s going to get me in over my head. “Decent-looking.”

“What sort of-- No, don’t answer that.”

“It’s like he just wants someone to hang out with him for the week.”

“That can’t be it,” she doubts.

“But here’s the thing. I have to go to fancy dinners and shit with him because he’s some big deal and I’m supposed to wear a suit. So will you help me?”

___

“Can’t we just go to Canal Street?” I ask, glancing over my shoulder at my sister and book it through the crosswalk. “I’ve seen this sign in my neighborhood -- two suits for thirty dollars. They’ll custom fit.”

“Noble, that place has roast duck hanging in the window, you’re not getting a suit there.”

“They sell the suits out of the back.”

"No. You need something nice," she insists. "This guy is expecting you to look the part. That's why we're on Madison Avenue."

I peer up at the sleek designer storefronts, one right after another, and I sort of dread the idea of spending money up here. But obviously Bianca doesn’t because she tugs on my arm and hurries over to one of the shops.

Inside I don't even know what I'm looking at. Backlit shelves feature like, one tie displayed next to a rack with minimal options of white shirts. As we peruse, I flip over a price tag on a sleeve and see six hundred and something dollars before I flick it from my fingers and move on. 

"Is there something I can help you with?" One woman proposes, whose gaze has been trailing us from the front counter since we came in here. 

Bianca speaks up. "Oh, we're just looking."

I glance over and offer my best attempt at a pleasant smile but I know I just make her uncomfortable.

"What is it you're looking for?" A man -- probably the manager and definitely gay -- rounds one of the displays and feels compelled to join in this investigation. He eyes me, and not in the intrigued way Jamie does, but like he can't believe I've set foot in his store in a shirt I've had since high school and jeans I stole from an ex. 

I chew nervously on the edge of my thumb. "I uh… was checking out your suits," I tell him. Then I look over and spot a headless mannequin in what looks like a normal enough suit. "How much is this?"

The manager, with his John Waters mustache that he's not pulling off, tilts his head. "I don't think that would fit you."

A puff of a laugh escapes me. "I didn't ask if it would fit. I asked how much it was."

He blinks over at his associate. "How much is that suit, Annette?"

The woman, wearing big dangling earrings, her bleached, almost white hair pulled back tight narrows her gaze. "It's very expensive."

He looks at me and echoes, "It's very expensive."

"Listen," Bianca pipes up. "We've got money to spend in here--"

"Hey." I stop her with a subtle touch on her arm. "Don't." These assholes would call the cops for nothing. 

"I think you're in the wrong place," the manager tells us. "And you should leave."

"Oh," my sister gripes. "Why, what are you gonna--"

"Come on," I mutter to her with a step back. "Let's go." And I can't even look at these people as we turn for the door. 

"I wouldn't shop here anyway," Bianca can't help but chirp over her shoulder as I lead her away. "Unless I was some--" Then she pauses to gesture a swirling hand at the salesman. "Washed up magician."

I push open the door and I hear the man bid us a fake good day before I look back and see Bianca present her middle finger and follow me outside.

"Jesus, what a dick," she complains. 

I'm already lighting a cigarette on the sidewalk when she makes her way over. "Yeah well--" I hold my inhale for a calming beat before I let out a steady stream of smoke and we start walking. "What do you expect?"

"Let's try Macy's or something," she suggests.

"No." I'm already over it and I set my gaze some place far away. "I'm probably just gonna bail."

"Fuck them, Noble. We'll go somewhere else. How hard is it to buy a damn suit?"

"I don't want to, Bianca." I cut her off and walk a little faster, making it hard for her to keep up as we weave through the people on Madison Avenue. 

"You gonna bail on three grand because a couple nobodies at a store were mean to us? Who cares about them?"

Apparently I do because it got to me. The way they looked at us got under my skin. I don't know how it's so thin all of a sudden; people judge me all the time and I'm pretty good at ignoring it. But I'm too aware of it now -- how less than I am. Why should I try to fake that I'm not?

"I'm gonna go back to the hotel," I tell her once she's at my side again. "I'll figure it out."

She knows me well enough not to press and just walks with me for a minute. “You sure you’re good?” She eventually asks.

After a long drag, I flick some ash away and lift my chin to slowly exhale. “I’m good.”

“You promise you’ll call me, okay? I worry about you.”

“Bianca,” I chuckle. “Do you realize what you’re walking me back to? This is easy. Don’t feel sorry for me.”

“I’m worried you’re going to get hurt.”

I look over at her. “Hurt drinking scotch in some rich guy’s penthouse? I don’t think you understand the kinds of shady places I’ve ended up in the middle of the night. This is like a vacation.”

“I don’t mean hurt like that. Like that guy who tried to stab you,” she says. 

I glance down, considering it over another drag. “I know what you mean,” I murmur. “It’s just a job.”

“Alright,” she agrees softly. “I’m gonna leave you here then, and head downtown.”

That’s probably a smart decision. The staff at the Waldorf-Astoria don’t need to leer at me walking in with this chick with fire red hair and an artfully torn up KISS t-shirt, leather mini skirt and fishnet tights. They already have their suspicions about me. Although a part of me does want her to walk through that lobby just to give someone a stroke. 

“I’ll call you,” I assure her. And with a hug at the corner, we part ways and I head on to Park Avenue.

Once I push through the revolving door, I keep my head down but I’m only a few steps in when a woman in a smart skirt suit follows in step beside me.

“Excuse me, sir, can I help you?” She wonders.

I keep walking. “I’m going to my room.”

“You’re a guest here?” 

And just then I remember I forgot to take the credit-card-looking key thing with me to let myself back in. “Yeah.” I scratch a hand through my hair and slow my pace to look at her. “I’m on the top floor. I’m… staying with someone.”

Her gaze falls briefly. “And who would that be?”

“Jamie,” I tell her, then press my lips together in this guilty way and sort of hope that my otherwise charming face convinces her to let me into the room.

“Jamie,” she repeats. 

“Mm-hm. Jamie…” Then I glance away for a moment. “The… lawyer.”

She nods once. “Right. I’m going to need you to come with me.”

“Ah, come on,” I complain, suddenly louder which I know isn’t helping my case. She places a hand on the middle of my back and guides me around the corner. “God, what? What is with everyone today?” I call out irritably as she steers us down a hallway door and I’m led into what I assume is her office.

“Now what is your name, young man?” She wonders after I’ve sunk down in one of her leather chairs opposite a heavy desk.

“What do you want it to be?” 

She blinks from her seat, but otherwise her face doesn’t move as she stares me down. 

I give in. “Noble.”

“Thank you. Noble. I’m Jacqueline Hart, I’m the manager of this hotel. Now--” She starts in, folding her hands on top of her desk. It makes me feel like I’m in the principal’s office. “Things that go on at other hotels don’t happen here at the Waldorf-Astoria. However, we take very good care of our guests. And Mister Reagan is a very special guest. We’d like to consider him a friend and for a friend, we’ll make certain exceptions.”

I cut my eyes to the side to keep from rolling them skyward. I could tell you stories of things that actually go on at these hotels, lady.

She goes on. “So I assume you’re a…” Then she pauses and looks at me, eyebrows raised. 

My forehead creases and I stall for an answer.

“Family member?” She finishes.

Bringing my hand to my mouth, I bite the edge of my finger and mutter, “Yeah. I’m his…” Then I clear my throat and shift. “--Cousin.”

“Of course.” She gives me a tight-lipped smile. “That’s fine. And I hope it’s your understanding that after your stay here, we won’t be seeing each other again--”

I blink in surprise, pulling my chin back.

“And while you’re here,” she continues. “I think it would benefit you to dress more appropriately for a hotel of this caliber. That’s all--”

“No--no-no.” I sit up. “That’s not all. See, that’s the problem. I tried to go out today to pick up some things to wear while I’m here, but it’s like I couldn’t get any help. Which is bullshit,” I rant, shifting to reach into the pocket of my jeans and I notice her visibly stiffen as she anticipates my next move. I dig out the cash and present the rumpled, folded bills. “Because I have all this money. Right? But the people at these stores are assholes--”

Furrowing her brow, Jacqueline turns toward her phone, and tries not to let the alarm surface on her face but I can see it in her eyes.

“What?” I wonder as she picks up the receiver and presses one of her speed dial buttons. “What, are you calling the cops? Great.” I shrug, slumping back in the chair. “That’s great. Tell them I said hi--”

She swallows hard. “Sam in menswear, please.”

I shut my mouth and watch her, one eyebrow gradually perking up.

“Sam, this is Jacqueline Hart from the Waldorf. How are you?” She pauses, glancing off to the side with a grin, then lets out this airy giggle as they exchange opening small talk. “I’m sending over a very special friend this afternoon. His name is Noble and I would be so appreciative if you could take good care of him for me.”

[xlisaleinx]

“To improve is to change” - thoughts on Outlander S3E4

I saw many good posts about 3.04 already, but since I do love the changes in this episode, I’ll add my thoughts anyway! :)

Let’s start with Jamie’s storyline:

First of all, I really liked the portrayal of the Dunsany (DunsAny? Really?!) family. Especially Lady Isobel’s character, which is so much deeper and more vibrant than it is in the books. 

Jamie loosing his temper and showing his disrespect towards Geneva by dropping her in the mud. He has accepted his role as a servant to some extent, but his fiery nature is still there and he won’t swallow everything. This scene is also important in terms of the dynamic between these two characters - it shows both the deep dislike (at least from Jamie’s side) and the momentary crumbling of the social hierarchy between them, which is nothing but an illusion.

I’m glad the viewer gets the chance to witness the friendship between Jamie and LJG develop and strengthen throughout the episode. It’s endearing to see how much they enjoy each other’s company, even though John’s feelings for Jamie are obvious to both of them. His visits are also pretty much the only occasions where we see Jamie genuinely smiling (prior to Willie’s arrival).

Jamie touching John’s hand instead of kissing him was another very welcome change. It might even mean more to John than a kiss would have - a) because it’s an honest gesture by Jamie that comes from the heart, while a kiss would have been something he would have had to bring himself to do, and b) because he returns the gesture that he once was disgusted with when they first met in prison. 

Now…let’s talk about *the* scene, shall we? Let me start by saying that I like it. A lot. Here’s why:

It portrays two human beings. One of them, Geneva, suddenly isn’t the bitchy schemer anymore as soon as she steps on unknown territory, she’s just an insecure young woman, horrified at the thought of only ever being touched by a man who is old enough to be her grandfather. (Mind: I’m not in any way justifying what she did in order to get Jamie into her bed - that was a terrible thing to do. I’m just describing what I saw in that scene.)
The other human being in the room, Jamie, is a healthy man, so he’s obviously turned on by the young and beautiful woman in front of him. 

One can argue about the boob lick, but I personally don’t have any objections - simply because Jamie has always been portrayed as a „boob person“, at least in the show. This is the first time he sees and gets to touch a pair of breasts in years. 

The actual hmmpf-ing looked authentic - the coupling of two humans without any affection for each other, who are just having sex for the sake of it. Very technical, very enjoyable. But not at all like the firework sparking between Jamie and Claire. 

I saw people saying Jamie wasn’t sexy to look at and similar things. With that I don’t agree. I thought it was a hot scene (but, nope, not even close to the Jamie/Claire hotness). 


!!!Now, the most important aspects!!!:

The consent issue: solved. Jamie was forced to come to her bedroom but is still finding pleasure in having sex for the first time in many years. And Geneva never says the word „no“. Nor does she cry out in pain. Handled very well, imo. 👌🏼

Jamie stays true to his character - much more so than in the books. Because a) he honors Geneva by being gentle with her and trying to shut out his hostility and anger, as one would expect from him, and b) he DOESN’T call her loving nicknames, which I’m particularly grateful for. Reading about him calling her „mo ghraidh“ in the book always made me want to vomit. Also handled very well. 👌🏼

He doesn’t stay with her all night, it’s just this one time. And he doesn’t show any signs of affection afterwards either, not like he did in the book. He immediately gets up and away from her as soon as they’re done and she told him she loved him - and I especially love that he hands her her shift to cover herself. He doesn’t allow any sort of additional intimacy or familiarity to build between them. 👌🏼

AND, my favourite part: the scene closes with Jamie explaining to Geneva what love is - without looking at her. Making it crystal-clear that there’s only one person he’s ever loved and ever will love. 👌🏼

So, all in all, my personal conclusion is that *the* scene was handled brilliantly by the writers. Its existence was necessary - both because of Willie and to show the contrast between Jamie and Claire and any other pairing -, so they had to get it over with, but the way they filmed it, it allowed Jamie to stay true to his character and it didn’t involve the rape aspect. Take notes, Diana. I’d also like to add that Hannah James did a great, great job as Geneva. 

I was glad to see that they kept most of the Willie stuff the way it was in the book, but the one bigger change they made is possibly my favorite thing ever: SAWNY JUNIOR! 😍 I literally cheered when I saw it in the title card! It’s so like Jamie, and it’s such a brilliant idea to make the connection to Willie’s late namesake. I also adore that they included St. Anthony - it says so much about Jamie and his never-ending hope and love.  (And Jamie talking to baby Willie, reverently saying „You’re so wee“ made me tear up.)

The Claire/Bree/Roger storyline:

I don’t have a lot to say about their scenes because this episode was clearly focussed on Jamie, but the changes I love were:

I never knew how much I needed Claire’s life in Boston, along with her responsibilities, to catch up with her in Scotland. It’s not like Claire at all to simply forget about her patients, lbr. Especially not for such a long time. So I really liked to see Joe calling her (even though I was like „Woah, that must have been one heck of an expensive phone call“).

Claire, Brianna and Roger reaching a dead end in their research also adds to the realistic portrayal of that storyline. It always bugged me that the research went so smoothly in the book. It also makes Claire doubt and remember Mrs. Graham’s warning words about chasing a ghost. While very passionate and emotional, two of Claire’s most defining character traits are her rational mind and her sense of practicality. The twenty years apart from Jamie seem to have consolidated them even more. So it feels very much like something Claire would do - return to Boston, and thus return to what she has learned to come to terms with: a life without Jamie. Though her face on the plane says it all. She won’t be able to fully return to that life, because she now knows he hasn’t died and possibly is still alive, waiting for her to find him. I can’t wait for next week’s episode and Claire’s decision to go back.

[sueboohscorner]

OUTLANDER S3 EP 4 "Of Lost Things" and...a hot steamy scene!

I admit it.  I was loathing the thought of watching Jamie with Geneva.  I hated it in the books and there has been that whole stupid "rape" argument over the years.  However, they did a wonderful job with that scene and........well.....just watching Sam Heughan in a sex scene is just hot anyway!

We only get snippets of Claire and Brianna, now at the manse with Roger and of course Fiona. Basically, we are right back where we left off with them in 1968 at the end of Season 2.   Most of this episode is about Jamie's life at Helwater Estate to the time he is set free.

Our handsome historian, Roger has set up a convenient timeline on some boards and they see that time in the future and past,  basically, give or take a couple of years, runs parallel with each other. So, their dilemma at the moment is finding Jamie after Culloden.  They scour over registries for the prisons, even the big ones in England, to see if they can find him.

  Absentmindedly, Claire picks up a document and a looks down and a name pops out of the page.  There he is!  James Fraser of Broch Tuarach!  They see him in several years worth of registries for Ardsmuir prison.  That is the good news.  The bad news?  The prison closed in 1756.  Now what?  It is suggested that they search the national archives for ship manifests, as Jamie may have been sent somewhere else.

However, lucky for us, we know exactly where Jamie is.  He is now a groom at Helwater Estate, the home of the Dunsany family. The family comes home and is properly greeted by all the help.  Alex Mackenzie (get used to this for one more time at least....Jamie uses his names as aliases) gets called inside to meet with Lord Dunsany.  Hmmmmm.   Turns out that Lord John told Lord Dunsany that this person was one of his prisoners, but highly recommended him.  He also knows, that he was a Jacobite prisoner (just not the notorious Red Jamie).  He is pretty cordial towards Jamie, as he tells him he lost his only son in that war.  However, "You lost." he says and it is over and done with.  Jamie is to receive a stipend while he works his time off there.  However, he will tell Lady Dunsany that Jamie was employed by the Grey family and came highly recommended.

1968 again for a quick moment. Claire receives a phone call one evening from Joe Abernathy and they have a nice conversation and then Joe asks when is she coming home?  He mentions a particular patient that will have to have surgery and thought that since it was really Claire's patient, she would want to take charge.  She just tells him she doens't know the answer to when she is coming home just yet.

 Roger's car broke down alongside the road with him under the hood trying to fix the problem and Brianna making fun of him because Fiona put cream on his scone because he is too skinny.  LOL. 

Bree asks Roger about a girlfriend.  He claims to have several girls that are merely friends, but no girlfriend.  Brianna tells Roger to let her have a look, reaches down and fixes the loose distributor cap.  Again...LOL!  Get used to it Roger, she is good at making and inventing things! Roger asks her jokingly what does he owe her, and she coyly replies "I will think of something." The romance is a brewing here, we just have to be patient and wait until next season until we see these two in bed. Sorry folks! 

Back to Helwater, and Jamie is called over to pick straws with the rest of the grooms.  He is confused, but finds out that the one with the short straw is the unlucky bastard to ride with Geneva Dunsany.  Self entitled, snobbish, used to getting her own way and demanding......yep, that is about right. She orders Jamie to get her horse and when he isn't fast enough calls him a "useless Scotchman".  When she rides away with one of the unhappy grooms, Jamie mutters, "A boot on the hindquarters is what that one needs," to another groom. 

They hear a voice ask "Are you speaking of the horse or my sister?" It is Isobel, Geneva's little sister and total polar opposite of the latter.  Jamie and the other groom are horrified of course and Isobel just laughs and says "I doubt it would do her any good."  She talks to Jamie about the magnificent horses and how she just like to come down to the stables to watch them.  She hates how her "father confines such splendid creatures".  Jamie says he has seen many stables and Helwaters is by far the finest, but Isobel looks at him and say "A cage is still a cage."  She is the nice one and it almost seems she feels sorry for Jamie and his situation.  She goes on to inquire about John Grey.  She has know him for some time and it is obvious to Jamie the girl has feelings for him.  He tries to discourage her advances in that direction by telling her, "Military and marriage are no easy bedfellows. The major's passion lies in soldiering."  Afterall, Jamie knows the man doesn't prefer women.  However, Isobel won't bow so easily and claims that "His dedication to king and country are one of the things I admire most about him."  Well, good try my man.....

It is time to draw straws once again and somehow Jamie manages to not pick the short straw.  However, when Geneva arrives and sees that it is not Jamie, she demands that he be the one to ride with her.  Oh yea. 

They ride through the woods and stop.  Jamie recommends they turn around and head back before dark. She laughs and says that he has to do HER bidding and rides off.  Jamie lags behind a little and then he hears her make a noise of distress and finds her lying on the ground seemingly unconscious.  Nope. 

Once he picks her up in his arms, and heads to his horse, she starts to laugh and said she knew he would do that.  He unceremoniously dumps her in a big mud puddle.   She laughs out loud and shouts to him as he rides away that she looks forward to their next ride.  

Good to his word, Lord John has returned and is playing a game of chess with Jamie on a stump.  They discuss a few things, but then are interrupted by none other Lord Melton, John's brother with Geneva and Isobel on his arm.  The girls introduce Alex Mackenzie and ask how the Grey family could get along without him as their groom as he is a good one.  Jamie is standing with his head down and stern look on his face.  Lord Melton sees Red Jamie, the man he saved and sent home back at Culloden.  He is good though and snidely remarks that they manage.  Geneva is paying close attention to body language here and can tell something is amiss.  They excuse themselves and go play a game of cribbage.

Geneva it turns out is being married off to a man (Ellesmere) who is old enough to be her grandfather.  Can we say ewww?  She is not pleased with him and Jamie is present working on one of the horses for the asshat's carriage.  Ellesmere remarks that "If a child of mine had that hair color I'd drown it before it drew a second breath" basically insulting Jamie.  

Geneva lags behind when the man leaves and everyone is headed back inside.  She watches as Jamie walks away.  I mean, with an ass like that, who can resist? *grin* You can see on her face she is hatching a plan. 

Later, while Jamie and another groom are pushing carts of horse dung, Geneva shows up.  The other groom bows out and leaves Jamie with Geneva who actually asks what he is doing "Shoveling shit my lady."  right to her face.  *me laughing again* She informs Jamie her wedding is in three days and asks if he has ever been married.  He says yes.

"Good, then you will know what to do." and she tells him to come to her bedroom that night.  Jamie is confused and asks what she means.  She informs him that she is to be wed to that old man Ellesmere and by damned if she is going to give her "maidenhead" to him.  She wants to do it with Jamie. 

Jamie is in disbelief and becoming furious and he refuses.  Then the wee bitch comes out with the blackmail.  She informs Jamie that Lord Melton had quite a bit of drink and was quite the chatterbox.  She learned quite a bit about him.  Jamie still refuses and Geneva tells Jamie that she will inform her mother who he really is and she will surely put Jamie's ass back in jail.  On top of that, she mentions Lallybroch to Jamie's horror and his sister Jenny.  She tells Jamie that troops will probably be taken there and bad things might happen to the family.  So, basically, Jamie has no choice but to give in to save his family......again.  

That night, Jamie sneaks into the house and up to Geneva's room.  She is standing there in a dressing gown and calls him by the name Jamie.   "Having brought me to your bed by means of threat against my family, I'll not have you call me by the name they gave me." He tells her to call him Alex, as that is his name also.  She orders him to undress.  As he starts, she is watching, but then turns away.  Sensing her hesitation and nervousness, he kindly tells her he can watch him if she likes. She watches as he takes off his pants then finally his shirt and she gasps seeing his back.  He says it doesn't hurt anymore and turns around. 

Geneva checks out Jamie's naked body and he gently asks if he can touch her to which she agrees. She gasps and tells him as he touches her and exposes her more that she doesn't know what to do.  Jamie's face starts to tell you that he remembers his own wedding night and the same feeling. 

So, he takes Geneva's hands and lays them on his chest.  Jamie I think sort of feels some sympathy for her.  He reminds her that they don't have to do this.  I'm doing this for myself. I want my first time to be with someone like you." she tells him.  She feels some of Jamie's chest and arm and asks if it will hurt much.  He tells her not if he takes his time.  Of course, I believe that that was just to try to calm her as he probably has no idea or ever bedded a virgin. 

They kiss and Jamie undresses her and picks her up and takes her to the bed.  There is licking and kissing and some moaning and she asks if she can touch him.....meaning...you know. 

He says yes and well, taking his time went out the window. "Move with me." he tells her.   It is actually kind of a tender love making moment and you can't help but feel a little sorry for Geneva who gets no say in who she marries and is a victim of her circumstances like Jamie is a victim with her blackmailing him.

Afterwards, Jamie asks if he hurt her and she replies that it hurt at first and then she liked it.  She professes love for Jamie and he stops her right there and tells her "It's not love, my lady, it’s just the feelings I've roused in your body. Strong, but it's not the same thing as love."   She asks what the difference is.  He sits up on the end of the bed and hands her the dressing gown.  "What you feel for me now, you could have with any other man. It's not particular. Love is when you give your heart and soul to another, and they give theirs in return." Geneva realizes she will never know that and Jamie remembers his wedding night and Claire.

Months later the Ellesmeres come to visit.  After saying her hellos to her family and they start to go inside, a very pregnant Geneva slightly turns, hand on stomach and gives Jamie a look.  He knows the child is his.  Damn woman!  Well....there is such a thing as pulling out Jamie.....

Back in 1968, Fiona hands Claire a bag and says that it belongs to Claire.  Inside, are the pearls, that belonged to Jamie's mother originally and Jamie gave to Claire on their wedding night.  "I thought I would never see these again." Claire exclaims as she holds them in her hand.  Claire had given them to Mrs. Graham as a way to try to forget the past (Yeah....that worked brilliantly).  Fiona explains that when her Gran had passed them on to her, but Fiona felt that her Gran (and herself) would want Claire to have them back.  Claire thanks Fiona and as Fiona leaves the room, Claire's look is distant. Obviously remembering the wedding night when Jamie gave them to her.  There is a bit of apprehension at the fact of not only finding his name, but to hold onto concrete evidence of her soulmate.  Brianna sees this in her mother's face.

A little later that night, Bree and Roger are sitting side by side in front of the fire.  Brianna is just starting to rebuild her relationship with her mother.  Is it fair to not fair to keep her in present time, or to let her go back to the man she has always loved?  What if she can never return? 

Roger calms her worries and Bree suddenly kisses him.  There is an awkward moment and then smiles.  I don't like this.  Roger and Bree have this banter back and forth in the book before EVER kissing.  It just feels forced.  Hopefully this will improve.

Back at Helwater, Isobel comes running down to the stables at night and knocks on the door for Jamie to come quickly.  Her sister is giving birth and there are complications.  They all rush to the Ellesmere estate.  The family runs upstairs to Geneva and Jamie is left behind to wait.  A little later, Jamie sees one of the female maids / servants and asks about the baby.  He is told that it is a fine and healthy boy.  A slight look of happiness and pride come over him.  He walks into a hallway and hears Isobel sobbing.  He inquires to what is wrong and Isobel tells him Geneva died.  She seemed fine at first, but then she started to bleed again and the docotors did all they could.  Jamie tries to comfort her, but she stands and smacks him across the face.  She informs Jamie that Geneva had told her everything, that the two had slept together, that the marriage with Ellesmere was never consummated and that Geneva said she was in love with Jamie.  Before the conversation can continue, they hear a commotion and screaming.  A servant comes and tells Jamie to come quickly that his master is asking for him and that there is trouble.

When Jamie gets to the hall that the commotion is, he sees Lord Ellesmere holding his newborn son (who amazingly is fast asleep) and a knife.  "You promised me a virgin!" he yells and calls the baby a bastard.  He threatens to kill it.  The Dunsany's are pleading with him to be reasonable and to let them take the baby.  Lord Dunsany has a gun pointed at Ellesmere and threatens to shoot.  Jamie says for them both to drop their weapons. 

He steps between them both and quietly convinces Lord Dunsany to give him the gun.  Ellesmere is still furious and threatening to kill the baby with the Dunsany's still trying to give them the child to raise instead.  Ellesmere has had enough and makes a wrong move to harm the baby which makes Jamie shoot the gun and kill him.  He rushes over to his son who is unharmed and picks him up and hands him to the Dunsanys.  

A few weeks later, Jamie meets Isobel on the road on the estate. She is pushing a carriage with the baby.  Jamie looks down at his sleeping son and Isobel says that they named him William after her father, but she calls him Willie.  No irony there, as Jamie's brother's name was Willie.  Jamie says it is a good name.  Isobel goes on to apologize for slapping him and her anger.  The moment was raw and fresh for her with her sister dying.  "My sister was a difficult woman, and you were kind to her."  She leaves the carriage and meets up with her mother. 

In that short moment, Jamie looks down upon his son and remarks at how wee he is.  He adds "Dinna fash yerself. I am here."

Lady Dunsany comes over to Jamie and the carriage.  She tells Jamie that the verdict was in and that basically Jamie won't be charged with Lord Ellesmere's death.  Unfortunate accident.  She goes on to say that she has always known he was a Jacobite prisoner, but she is very grateful for saving her grandson's life.  She offers to use her husband's influence to release Jamie from indenture servitude.  Jamie only pauses for a moment and then asks politely if he can remain just a little while longer, as it is very tough in the Highlands and he has been able to send some money to his sister and would like to do so a little more.  Obviously, it is because he wants to spend time with Willie.  She agrees and says that he only need to ask and he can go home.  

Back to 1968 and Claire, Brianna and Roger hit a dead end at the National Archives looking for Jamie in ship manifests.  He is nowhere to be found and there is no more manifests.  A dead end. 

Later the three are sitting at a bar in a pub.  Claire is drowning her disappointment with some whiskey.  Brianna wonders why the men around them are glaring.  Roger explains that women are not supposed to sit at the bar.  Claire remarks that it is 1968 and they should be allowed to sit where ever they please. They listen to a woman.....at the bar because she is entertainment....reciting a Robert Burns' poem with the line,  "Freedom and whisky gang thegither!" Claire smiles slightly and says she used to say that to Jamie often.  Brianna tries to comfort her mother by saying that they are not giving up and will find him.  Claire decides that it is time to go home and you can hear Roger's heart break at the thought of being without Brianna around.

Back at Helwater, Jamie has had several years to spend with his son and watching him grow up and hopefully be somewhat of an influence on the boy.  He is leading Willie on his favorite pony around in circles near the house, as Lady Dunsany and a friend look on.  Lady Dunsany says that they joke that Willie spends so much time with the groom that he is starting to look like him.  Her friend studies the two for a moment and agrees and laughs.  Jamie overhears this conversation. 

Later, he lifts Willie up into a carriage and gives him the job of cleaning the windows.  He closes the door and looks up at the boy and then sees his own reflection in the glass.  He realizes it is time to go home.  Jamie tells Willie of his decision, but the boy is extremely upset and yells and kicks at Jamie telling him that he has to stay. "You have to do what I tell you! I'm your master!" he cries.  He lashes out to which Jamie scolds him and accidentally calls him a wee bastard.  Willie demands he take it back (he has heard others call him that).  Jamie immediately apologizes and takes it back and they hug.

Lord John Grey returns for a visit.  He agrees that Jamie made the right decision to leave.  “We all have our secrets. Yours is walking around. Anyone with half an eye can see it... It won't be long before young Willie sees it himself.” he remarks.  They take a small walk and Jamie stops and asks if John could do him a favor.  To watch over and take care of Willie for him.  In return he will do anything John wants, like give him his body. 

The look on Lord John's face is priceless!  He is floored.  He outright refuses the proposal and Jamie asks why.  "I should probably want you 'til the day I die, but tempted as I am, did you really think I would accept? he tells Jamie and that without knowing the true feeling behind it, his honor would be insulted.  He goes on to tell Jamie his own news.  He and Isobel are to be married therefore, he can watch over and take care of Willie and fulfill Jamie's wish.  Jamie is touched says "I'm grateful to you. You shall always have my friendship."  They tenderly shake hands as friends.

Later that night, Willie comes to visit Jamie at the stable.  Jamie has set out a statue and a candle.  Willie asks why.  Jamie explains that the wee statue is of the Patron Saint of Lost Things and that he lights the candle to remember those he has lost, like his brother with the same name....Willie, Murtagh, his sister and his wife.  Willie remarks that Jamie has no wife.  Jamie smiles and says that someday he will want one and there is a perfect one out there for him and he will find her, or she actually may find you.  You have to think that Jamie remembers the day Claire first appeared at the cabin and fixed his shoulder.  Willie says his grandmother says that only "stinking papists" light candles and pray to things and asks Jamie if he is one.  Jamie smiles and tells him in fact he is.  Willie demands to be a "stinking papist" because he want to be like him.  Jamie tenderly, with some water on his thumb christens the boy William James.  "James is your special papist name." Jamie tells him and tells Willie to keep it a secret along with the fact that he is now a papist. 

He gets up and gets a small box and opens it, revealing a present he made for the boy.  A carved snake, just like his own brother made him many years ago. 

This one has the name "Willie" carved into the bottom."Keep it to remember me by." he tells Willie.  This is officially Jamie's goodbye to his only son.

The final montage is of Claire and Bree leaving the manse and on a plane back home, both deep in thought.  Roger sitting alone with a toy airplane thinking of what to do next and missing Bree's company.  

The most heartbreaking though, is of Isobel and Lord John standing with Willie in front of them.  Jamie is getting ready to leave.  Isobel hugs him and whispers that they will take good care of his son.  Jamie pats Willie on the head and John and him exchange a look of gratitude and goodbye.  Jamie mounts his horse and starts to head off when Willie starts to cry out "Mac!!"  and chases after Jamie.  Jamie, knowing he can't turn around and see this cries as he rides on and Lord John captures Willie and holds him as they watch Jamie ride off.  

What can I say about this episode?  There were quite of bit of changes and things left out.  Some, like the scene between Jamie and Geneva in bed was probably a good thing, because that "rape" argument is STILL going strong.  I would have liked to see more of Bree and Roger interaction before any kissing. Sure it is an adaptation (tired of hearing that personally), but why do they have to ONE:  do a book a season and TWO: rush through everything?

However, I give this episode a definite A, especially for Sam Heughan's acting performance which I swear is getting better every time.

What is your take on this episode?  Likes or dislikes? Questions?  Let me know in the comments below! And to keep up to date, don't forget to subscribe!

[savemestucky]

Gairaigo: Happy Birthday Steve Rogers (1942)

Here’s a bitty chapter of Gairaigo for Steve Roger’s birthday~ Depending on my workload this week, I’m hoping to have another birthday chapter written from Steve’s POV. NOTE: The sections in italics are in English but represent them speaking Japanese.

Gairaigo [formerly Poppies Growing In Cartoons, the link leads to an almost full chapter]: James Bukawa doesn’t know that he and Steve Rogers went to the same elementary school or grammar school- until he’s 14 years old and he’s carrying 60 pounds of laundry to the tenement past the gas station. Steve/Bucky/Jim AU, Japanese-American Bucky Barnes

Shout out to @literaryartisan for their wild enthusiasm for this AU and for asking me real good questions that push me to keep writing!! and to @seasirpent who loves my writing even if they’re not into Marvel <3  

Bucky’s staring at the ceiling of the barrack when Yamaguchi John starts padding around and rifling through his footlocker.

“You gotta light?” John speaks with an even weirder accent than his Kyushu-Ben, John’s from Osaka and Bucky still isn’t 100% sure where he fits in with the universal rivalry against Tokyo. When Bucky doesn’t answer right away, he knocks on the wall and Nakamura Ben comes through the door flap and sleepily passes a book of matches over. Bucky’s busy wondering about whether or not Mrs. Watanabe had time to fix Steve a cake with the money he wired and decides he’ll finally roll out of his cot when he smells John and Ben brewing coffee [from the god damn can of coffee he got at the general store].

“Rise and shine, Jamie, they’re not gunna take beauty rest as a good reason to skip out on work” John gives him a crooked grin as he blows smoke out the cracked window.

“And- God Bless America!” he can’t tell whether or not Ben’s being sarcastic as he raises his tin mug of coffee in a toast, Ben’s only 19 [really too young to be housed with the other bachelors] and all kinds of snarky, but Bucky would put down money on him joining the service if they’d let in Japs.

“Yeah, happy fourth Jamie,” John says way too cheerily.

Bucky rubs his eyes and mindlessly accepts the coffee they pass him, “unnn, fuck off John, at least I get beauty sleep- you look like you could do with some for that mug.”

John snorts into his coffee and Ben gives him a little grimace- Bucky ought to be nicer to him, Ben’s parents didn’t want him to learn Japanese growing up so he barely speaks Tokyo-ben [never mind trying to figure out what the heck John and Bucky say]. They bicker a little bit about the heat: John says this is nothing to August in Osaka and Ben says you could fry an egg on the pavement in San Fransisco, Bucky silently figures the internment camp is the hottest place they’ll ever be because the water comes out of the ground warm and there’s no protection from the dust storms or the god damn lizards. He thinks about going to the mess hall and starts pulling on his trousers and realizes John’s been holding out his suspenders and saying “Jamie” for a hot second.

“Thanks man,” he mumbles as he takes them and buttons them on to the top of his pants, fiddling a bit with the clasps so they sit nicely (just like Mrs. Watanabe always told him to. he just wishes his pants were nicely pressed and misses the dry cleaners and steve so badly right then). After a long second, he realizes he ought to apologize for not answering sooner, “Sorry, got a head in the clouds today.”

“S’no problem,” John says across the room as he shaves in the little mirror they have pinned up, “you’ve always been slow with Jamie anyway.”

“I’ll never call you James,” Ben shouts through the wall, “Bukawa, maybe- you’re not that respectable.”

Bucky rolls his eyes, combing a dab of pomade into his hair, “No one calls me Jamie back home.”

“Okay, what are you then?” John quips back and Bucky thinks that for all John acts like a fast-car-bachelor and sees more than he should to get a good dig at ya’, he’s considerate in the ways that count. 

Bucky dies in his throat, only Steve calls him that really. The dry cleaning gang call him that when they speak English, but Steve gave him that name and the idea of sharing any part of Steve with them seems especially hard on his birthday when all Bucky has of him right now is a single censored letter and a little water color of the back alley. He frowns at his comb for a second, “My ma’ calls me Jeimu.”

“I can do that,” Ben strolls through the doorway, all high-school cocky with his hair sticking up and a cotton plaid shirt on. It’s easy to forget that they’ve only been living together since May: he’s already used to the sounds of the other bachelors in their barrack moving around, it’s not that different from Shizumbe’s complex morning rituals or the Watanabe’s intense hanafuda nights. He’s not sure he’d finish a fist fight for John or Ben (maybe Ben) but he’d drag them home after and help with the iodine: so far, most of what they’ve shared were long nights playing koi-koi with the creased deck of hanafuda cards that Mr. Watanabe gave him and griping about the camp.

It’s-

it’s not that Bucky doesn’t understand people here. He gets the people that say they need to keep their heads down, they need to be good American citizens- and if locking them up ‘till the war is over is the only way to win it then- then. Then gaman. Persevere. Enduring. Maybe that’s where he stands; he’d walk by and clench his fist when the neighborhood starting having “No Japs” signs- but Steve-

Steve got banned from the local barber too when he cussed them out for refusing Bucky a haircut. The letter he got from Steve was short (censored) and merely told him that all was well at the dry cleaners and that he was doing his best to stop the vandalism at the shop (which, sounds like, isn’t nearly so bad for Japs in Brooklyn. John’s office building was almost burned down in Anaheim) and Bucky- I’m with you till the end of the line. He’s almost positive that Steve would be joining in the meetings down the gangway where the Yoshida brothers were trying to organize people, to demand better wages, to join the service, to protest and get the fuck out of the California badlands. But he’s not positive: Steve so strongly believes in duty to his country, a country that has turned its back on Bucky. He wishes he could just call Steve now and ask him directly: wants to know if Steve would be ashamed he wasn’t doing more to get out of here or if Steve wants him to keep his head down and survive and come home safe.

Ben looks a little like Steve slouched in the doorway; his complexion is a little lighter than theirs (he’s still finishing high school and doesn’t have a job yet, he had to stop going when the neighbors started throwing rocks at his parent’s shop) and he’s still a little lanky and his grin is painfully (young) daring and rebellious (afraid). “Jay-mu” he tries out, and Bucky realizes he couldn’t stand it if Ben called him Bucky.

“Jeimu,” John absently corrects as Bucky tosses him a clean handkerchief to put in his pocket, “ready?”

Bucky checks his watch, “we don’t get to stand in the mess hall for another 5-”

Ben clucks his tongue, “I doubt those soldiers are gunna stop us from lining up early to get grub.”

John gives him a sharp look, “they beat old men for less.”

“Oh yeah?” Ben huffed, and Bucky uneasily looked out the window to see if there were any other neighbors listening in, “bet you know all about the cold world, huh?”

John stepped forward and grabbed Ben’s arm, “Yeah, Nakamura, I know a thing or two about how this shit works. My pa’ wants me to go back to Osaka because when he came to visit- two days in the U.S. an’ he got fucking beaten by the neighbors for not minding the butcher’s wife on the street. So yeah, I know how white people can be. We’re stuck here ‘til they decide yellow people are worth a cent- you’ll fucking keep your head down ‘til they point the guns elsewhere or you won’t have one at all.” John shook him firmly for a second, “you understand me? You parents aren’t here-” his voice softened, “eh? someone needs to look out for you a little so you can go home safe.”

Ben looked at his shoes mulishly, “I don’t need anyone to take care of me... ‘n ‘sides, it’s easy for you to say, you had a fancy life before this. You got something to go back to.”

“-Is that what you’re getting out of this, Ben? We had lives? We all lost those-” Bucky breathed, sagging against the wall, Bucky felt the air getting punched out of him; in his mind, Ben and Steve snapped apart forever. Bucky didn’t need to ask anyone to take care of Steve- he knew the moment he left that Mrs. Watanabe would keep him in line as she always did, and he knew that Steve would keep doing his best to earn his keep. Steve might not know when to get out of a fight- but at least he knew what family meant. “Jesus fucking Christ- Ben-”

“- you little spoiled, Shit,” John hissed, “do you think I can go back to that? They had me in Tule Lake Ben, they took me right after Pearl Harbor- y’know why? Because I was born over there, I went to school there, because I write my mom every damn week. And now? Now I can’t hold a damn camera straight anymore, I can’t keep my hands steady enough. I can’t even go back to Osaka to suffer with my family. Yeah,” John’s voice turned snide, strangely cruel for the man who had taken Ben under his wing for the last months, Bucky suspected this outburst was a long time in coming, “your parents might be in another camp, but they’re not in Tule Lake. And they’ve made sure people are minding you, do you think it’s coincidence those Honda-s keep dropping by once a week?” He finally let go of Ben’s arm, his voice was hoarse “we can’t make sure you’re safe if you don’t help us. They want an excuse to make an example of a Jap.”

Ben looked guiltily at Bucky, John had started aimlessly (angrily) rifling through his ruck sack and they were both at a loss after that outburst. Bucky looked at his watch, “the line started a few minutes ago.”

They wordlessly left the barrack and walked over to the mess hall, ignoring the flags their neighbors had put out over their doorways. Ben lamely waved at the people who came by to chat with him (now he knew that Mrs. Ito and Doy were checking in on him). Ben and Bucky poked at their beans and rice, John scarfed it down, pulled out a book, and pointedly looked away.

“I’m sorry Jeimu,” Ben said quietly, pushing the last bit of food around his plate.

Bucky gave him a sidelong look, “I don’t think I’m the one you’re supposed to apologize to. But thanks anyway. ‘s mighty decent of you.”

“I- I know that,” Ben seemed much younger then, unsure of himself and a little afraid, he turned more towards John who kept his eyes trained on his book, “but my parents raised me better. I’m not doing anyone favors- I’ll do my best to clean up my act. I’m sorry, John. I- we don’t have many friends here. You ‘n me ‘n John, we gotta stick together, right?”

“Yeah,” Bucky said through a pull of water, “yeah, that’s right.”

“You got anyone waiting for you back home?” Ben asked timidly, Bucky saw John tilt his ear a bit.

He licked his lips, “Not a dame.” He started shoveling in the rest of his food, trying to dodge the questions about his real life- about Steve (he wanted to keep Steve to himself, try to tuck him away in an envelope to look at before he went to bed so he wouldn’t worry about his asthma in the summer humidity).

“But?” John looked up and leveled his eyes at Bucky, “what’s in Brooklyn? You got a lotta family?”

“You could say that,” Bucky hedged, “ma kicked me out in high school, but the dry cleaners took me in.”

“The Watanabes?” John prompted him, Bucky fought the urge to give him a dirty look- trust John to remember the one time he really mentioned working for them.

“Yeah, they took in the stray kids like me and my buddy Steve.”

“Steve?” Ben looked at the clock and John started putting away his book while they all tidied up their trays to take up to get washed. “Don’t know many Japs named Steve.”

“That’s ‘cause he ain’t Japanese, he’s a whitie.” Bucky stood up, piled his dishes in the bin, and left the mess hall. Back at the table, Ben tried to follow him and pester Bucky with a million questions- but John kept him back.

Bucky spent the day loading up the storage room for the kitchen: mostly bringing in sacks of rice with a few other guys as the ladies bustled around prepping vegetables for lunch and then dinner. A few women chatted with him about the night’s dance in the gym and around 3pm. his aunt dropped by to check in on him. He ducked out for a minute to check the mail and got a letter from Mrs. Watanabe (he didn’t get a chance to read it, but the envelope had a scrawled message about a fruitcake for Steve’s birthday). He ended up helping the kitchen move around pots of stew as they portioned it out and got a generous second helping in exchange. He got back to the barrack after dark: the way lit by some too-widely-spaced street lights and sparklers lighting up in the guard towers, the curfew had been lengthened for the night and he passed more than a few couples covertly making out. John was smoking a cigarette on the front step.

Bucky briefly considered trying to slip past him, but John lit up a cigarette for him and Bucky ended up sitting down next to him.

“There’s more to that Steve, isn’t there?” John said casually, stretching out his legs.

“He’s my best pal,” Bucky took a long drag of his cigarette, peering out into the other barracks and idly looking at the folks dressed up to dance, “he’s a little thing, but he’s got a good head on his shoulders. He’s gunna go places.”

“No,” John said bluntly, “there’s more than that- he's something special to you.” Bucky almost choked and John gave him a compassionate look out of the corner of his eyes, there was a long pause and then “y’know, it’d be harder for me to hide it back in Osaka. In front of my parents? They kept showing me off to nice girls, I picked up photography so I could get away. Maybe this place isn’t the best for me, but there’s others like us in Anaheim.“ He pushed his shoulder against Bucky, “tell me about this Steve.”

Bucky stubbed out his cigarette, “It’s his birthday.”

“No shit?” they shared a crooked grin.

“Nah,” Bucky snorted, “he’s a tough son of a bitch, maybe a hundred pounds soaking wet, but- he’d got a good heart and won’t let other people start shit. Last year on his birthday I took him out to Coney Island and we were almost banned after he busted a guy’s lip,” he thought for a sec, “he wasn’t too riled up when the fella was just teasing a little pussy-cat, but then that shit called me Jap and he lost it. Started hollering about America bein’ a place for everyone.”

John barked out a harsh laugh.

“I know, I know-” Bucky let out a long breath, “but my best guy, since we were in grammar school. He even learned Japanese, he’s working at the dry cleaners now.” He looked at his watch, “well, with any luck, now he’s having a slice of cake and a cuppa coffee.”

John gave him a fond look as he ashed his cigarette, they both stood up, “I was thinking of just bailin’ on this dance, I get the feeling it’s teenagers and married folk, how about you and I have a drink?” he snagged a flask from inside his jacket.

Bucky took a long pull and the two went in for a long night of cards.