#i dont want to bother my friends with this on xmas day

[fluffyprettykitty]

i uploaded a pic on insta (of my cat) and he immediately liked it!!!!! i know this bitch turned on my notifs I do!!!!!!!!

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

i'm realizing more and more you're not perfect. i had this imagine of you in my head and it's slowly dissolving into who you really are and i'm not sure how i feel about it. i know that sounds bad, but its true. maybe there is a reason you've been single for so long other than your fear of getting hurt. idk. you're kind of just a big kid. you don't have any real world responsibilities. you get so mad so easily when you drink. idk if these are necessarily super red flags, but i'm noticing things i don't like. i still really hate you ruined what was supposed to be the best night of ADE. like it really, really bothers me. i know i'll get over it, but it's only been just over a week now since it happened. after jake i never want to be with someone angry ever again or someone who can get so angry for no or little reason. that's not the person i want to be with. ever. or someone who will say things to deliberately get a rise out of me. that is not something i will ever entertain. that i need to tell you, sometime.

also, you saying love youuu at the end of our call and then pretending it was an accident - no. it was sooo not an accident. we've been properly dating for 3 months, chill. especially after the ups and downs we just had in ams?? no, absolutely not. i know i shouldn't compare, but i told jake i loved him after we were together for 6 months and we spent many days a weeks and most weekends together. i've seen you for a total of maybe 3-4 weeks in the last 3 months. i don't love that easily, darling. especially after ams you're gonna have to earn my love. you're gonna have to show me who you really are and i'm going to have to accept you. and that only comes with actually spending real time together. i dont even think i'll be ready or mind you even want to say it during xmas. idk, we'll see. personally i only see it happening in february once you've been here for a bit. we'll have a full month or so together and that is going to determine where this relationship goes.

telling you ilu hasn't even crossed my mind, because i don't yet. i'm not in love with you. sure, i love you as a friend and i really like you, but love? no. not yet. i need so much more time with you. i need to get to know you more. see who you really are.

you said love youuu and then i couldn't stop laughing. and you looked so embarrassed but we literally joked about this happening. and then i said i thought you said we we NOT there yet. and you go, i know i know, maybe i do, maybe i don't. idk.

yeah, i know you do. it's okay. it's ok to love me so early. but fuck it is SO early. 3 months into dating! ryan told me he loved me after we were together for 4 months but we were completely inseparable. and i said it back and i fucking meant it. maybe you did say it by mistake. but man what a shitty first i love you. you didn't even say I love you just love youuu like byeeeeee love uuuu. like fuck me, i deserve something more serious than that. i think you'll say it properly during xmas and that terrifies me if i'm not ready to say it back yet. cause if i'm not, i won't. and i think that'll really hurt you. but if i were you i would wait until i say it. especially if you think i'm gonna leave you. let me lead. let me say it when i'm ready.

[magiclovingdragon]

Venting cuz I’m literally going to cry

After 4 years of living with my dad and his abusive bitch of a girlfriend and her kids and being completely ignored on my birthday I actually thought that might fucking change this year now that I’m back living with my mum but no, she and her boyfriend went out and got so blackout drunk they’re both asleep and hungover today so yet again another birthday being spent alone and ignored… I cant even watch tv because they’re “watching” the football (actually just dozing on the sofa and hogging the remote)

I have no irl friends and my family members barely bother with me since I became chronically ill and (I’m aware I sound entitled with this next bit but I need to get it off my chest) I have no presents and didnt really get anything for xmas (besides chocolate, after having a go at me constantly over my diet which despite what they say, is fine and 3 items of clothes that dont fit because my nan didnt ask my size) because no one asked if there was anything I wanted or can be bothered to actually put any effort into thinking about what I might like as a surprise. I cant even put up the 1 card I got because there is still xmas decorations everywhere.

Tmi:

Not to mention I started my day by wetting myself because of the incontinence caused by my disability so that really started both my year and my birthday off great /sarcasm

[surveystodestressme]

220.

Do you get nervous before “meeting the parents”? yes, very

What do you think of your friends? i love them, i think they're amazing

What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee

Have you ever done ecstacy? nope

Do you like painkillers? yeah when i'm in pain

What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? my charm and charisma

Do you own a knife? nope

Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment: i'm tired, i want sushi, my cat is so cute

Name five drinks you regularly drink: coffee, water, pepsi, alcohol, more alcohol

What time did you wake up today? around 9

Current hair? straight

Current worry? nothing really

Current hate? besides 2020?

Favorite place to be? in my home

Least favorite place to be? the dmv

What do you think you’ll be doing in 10 yrs? hopefully out of this current state, maybe be a vet???

Last thing you ate? taco bell

Last time you had an alcoholic drink? this morning

What songs do you sing in the shower? anything that is stuck inside my head

Who is your loudest friend? mariann

Do people get shocked by how old you are? sometimes

Do you have any features that people notice right away? my height

What are/were you considered at your school or in general? nerdy

Don’t you just love pooping after holding it for a long time? yeah bro

Whats the last compliment you received? the skirt i wore today was cute

Do you like hanging out at your house, or your friends? both

Where is the last person you kissed at this moment? behind me

Will tomorrow be better then today? i couldn't tell you

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed? yes

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden? nope

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a: J, M, C, L, B, A? probably all of them tbh

Ever kissed a brown eyed and brown haired person? yes

Are you a player? no

Is there something you want to tell someone? i don't think so

Is something bothering you? nope

Do you like the town you are living in? not really

Does your best friend approve of the last person you kissed? i think so

Do you have any friends with kids? yes

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? my bf

Do you hate when people smoke around you? idc

Have you held hands with anyone in the past 24 hours? yes

Think a lot before you fall asleep? usually

What was the last thing you spent your money on? starbucks

Be honest, who is the easiest person in your life to talk to? my mom and sister

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex you tell everything to? not really

Were you single last summer? nope

What’s the weather like outside? cold

Is the last person you kissed older than you? no

Where did you first kiss the last person you kissed? in our apartment

Name three things you did or are going to do today: looked at the moon through my telescope, went to lunch with friends, bought yarn

Are you currently frustrated with anyone or anything? nope

Let’s say you were ten years old again, what would be a typical day for you? going to school, whatever after school activity i was into, going home, watch mulan or do hw, eat dinner, go to bed

What was the worst feeling you last felt? sadness?

How long have you been sober? several days/weeks

Last sexual experience? pretty vanilla, missionary

How often do you talk on the phone? at least once a day

Do you have a significant other at the moment? yes

Do you “go out” a lot? not really

Do you work a lot? 40 hours a week

Do you still talk to your exes? no

Current Best Friend? claire

Favorite store: shein

Your weakness? i'm too nice

Biggest annoyance in your life right now? my lungs

How do you feel about your hair right now? it's ok

Who do you currently have texts in your inbox from? several people

What color was the last pill you took? white

How many windows are open on your computer? 5

What are you doing after this? prob another survey

Where did you buy the shirt you are wearing? got it for xmas

Are you cold, warm or just right at the moment? just right

Why did you last cry? dont remember

Are you happier single or in a relationship? in a relationship

Miss anything from your past? probably

[lupihero]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse - meme.

tagged by: @bxstiae​ thank u!! tagging: anyone who wants to do this ♡

fill out & repost ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multi-muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au ( has au verses ) / canon-divergent / fandomless

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE.

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  —  pretty strictly. tbh i think i could do with a little more canon-divergence but i usually focus pretty hard on canon and diverging too far in my own muses, unless they were poorly written, tends to bother me.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  need a sweet country boy with a heart of gold who loves hard and fast and considers everyone he loves as part of his family ? how about a boy that can kick your ass to the sacred realm and back with his bare hands and a dizzying amount of strength ? how about a big friendly wolf that really doesn’t act all that much like a wolf but is big and soft and a really nice companion ? a boy that carries on and sees the best in people despite his trauma ? a boy who’s an absolute fucking dork and loses his mind whenever he sees a cat ? will smith poses @ link

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).   —  he’s the protagonist, he’s too nice, too likable, and he might be, from some perspectives, super overpowered. a lot of his flaws are issues that come with a lot of protagonist characters, like selflessness to a fault, recklessness, a desire to help no matter the cost, etc., and it might come across as overdone or unoriginal for someone like him.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  twipri has been my favorite video game of all time since i first played it the xmas after it came out, when i was 7. it was an unbelievably huge influence on my life, and got me through a whole lot of shit i’d have to go through up until i was a teenager. it was a constant for me, a comfort. and link, being the protagonist, was of course the center of it. i connected to him really hard, and becoming him whenever i played the game was like magic to me as a kid. honestly, i dont know why i didnt write him until this year, because he’s been such an easy headspace for me to slip into for years. ig i just figured it was about time? id already written both tp zel and midna at separate points, so it was only right to complete the trio ksjfgh

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  the game itself, its soundtrack, art, linked universe and its little fandom, and you guys! just seeing all of your posts and your passion for loz and its characters helps fuel the love i have for it too!

Some more personal questions for the mun.

give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. ( i have. built up a lot of hcs about this boy over the years )

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. ( i usually do write drabbles every now and then, idk why i haven’t for link yet )

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO.

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. ( hmm i mean. i think i am, anyway?? i like the way i portray him, but i guess im sorta insecure about whether or not yall like my portrayal lmao )

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. ( more or less, it depends on the day. back when i was a Gifted Kid my Gift was writing, and i was literally always chosen to read things i wrote aloud at school assemblies and things, so i. very much have a love / hate relationship w it )

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. ( i mean. i try really hard not to be but :’^) )

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  tbh, i don’t know?? i usually do with other muses, but bc twi is very special to me i have literally no idea how well i would take it. of course, if u do have criticism ( of the constructive sort, of course ), i still welcome it

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yes!!! if you ever have anything you wanna know about twi and the way i write him, please ask!!!

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  nope. unless it’s in the context of sharing hcs back and forth and building on each other or part of a friendly conversation, i don’t want to hear why you think i’m wrong. i still think about that personal that rb’d a hc i made a month or so ago and put in the tags all the reasons they disagreed w me and i wish i didn’t bc i hate it

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —   i?? dunno??? i guess i’d just tell them to unfollow. i’m not here to write link the way you think he should be written, i’m here to write him the way i want to.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  hkljfg does anyone hate link??? like. he’s link. he’s neutral at worst. but it’s not my business if someone hates him, so to each their own ig

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  mm i don’t mind it, but i don’t really see the point. rp is a form of writing that doesn’t need much editing, and when it does, we are our own editors, so of course we’re going to make mistakes and overlook them. english is a complicated and hard language, and typos/misspellings/grammar errors happen and it’s not a big deal

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  yes!! i’m a very laid-back person in general i think, and of course i have things i won’t tolerate and i’ll speak up when i need to, but at the end of the day rp is a hobby, and it’s something we do to have fun, and i know that having fun is the most important part of doing this. though, sometimes i think my anxiety & fear of confrontation might make me a little too lenient on things like my own rules tho kjfhg 

that’s about it, congrats for filling out!

[nautseverywhere]

Get to know me

I was tagged by @kittinkanin

Thanks!!

Who were you named after? Meh, who knows

Last time you cried? Huge meltdown on Thursday and a small weep today watching a YT video

Do you like your handwriting? Hmmmm.....sometimes. I write all day at work and it can get messy as hell but, at the start of my shift, it’s lovely

What is your favorite lunch meat? Chicken

Longest relationship?: Romantic - 2 years. Platonic, my best friend who I live with now...about 8 years

Do you still have your tonsils? yup

What is your favorite kind of cereal? Corn Flakes...with banana cut up on it...or lucky charms when I can get them in Scotland aka...never

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Converse and high top vans, yes, all others, no

Do you think you’re strong willed? Yes, I can be

Favorite Ice Cream? Neopolitan

What is the first thing you notice about a person? Hair and if applicable, eye makeup...I love looking at peoples hairstyles and makeup

Football or baseball? I used to go to football with my dad....

Favorite donut? Dont really like them

Last thing you ate? Rice cakes

What are you listening to? KH DDD soundtrack

If you were a crayon, what color would you be? a dark blue

What is your favorite smell? Mens Joop...my dad always wore it

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? My friend as she was on her way home from work, my mum right before that

Hair color? Going back to my natural red

Eye color? Blue

Favorite food to eat? Give me a spicy curry or a chippy!

Scary movies or happy ending? Scary!!! Sometimes, a happy ending but, give me that horror on a plate and I will hoover it the hell up!

Last movie you watched in a theater? Toy Story 4

What color shirt are you wearing? My black Kaidan Alenko shirt

Favorite holiday? Xmas...day only, dont really bother about the rest

Beer or wine? Neither - I dont drink these days - If i really want to have something, a tiny sip of Baileys

Night owl or morning person? Night own but, with the lock down, we take the puppy out at 6am most mornings so, zombie me

Favorite day of the week? saturday

Favorite animal? I adore horses!

Do you have a pet? Guinea pig Haylen and German Shepherd pup Danse

[jenanddomo]

12.12.22

I haven’t vented in awhile but now i feel like something missing. school sucks especially now since i cant even leave early. i already know this xmas is gon be so lonely, it just sucks even more bc i was lonely on halloween, thanksgiving and now xmas .

plus this xmas is bound to suck bc im forcing myself to be happy infront of all my family n friends and even forcing myself not to eat . rn my head was pounding bc i havent even eaten but it is what it is. rn i just feel lost ? i dont even know what i wan in life rn n i cant even talk to people bc ik im the problem for everything. plus i feel like im bothering them.

so igz rn im lonely ? but then again hopefully one day i get to change

atleast change into a better person n hopefully i can talk to everyone i love again

i feel bad for just even ghosting ppl

but then again

i always have to remind myself that those ppl can do better without me

i always just bring everyone down with me

lol

as my brother said

i was the reason why my dad started drinkin

as my cousin said

i was the reason why she wanted to kill herself

and then everyone blames me for lyin

atp

i just been honest

i miss you

i cant do nothing abt it

we just gotta break bad habits

[pappycat89]

So, talking about early life and some of the things that im pretty sure fucked me up for adult life. under a cut cos boy will it be long and poorly written *finger guns*

i was gonna do this as like a timeline of things that happened, with explanations and shit, but instead im just gonna do a highlight reel, cos why not

My brother and i used to share a room for years, including when my younger brother and sister were born, grew up, and then got their own rooms while luke and i had to share a room into our teens. we fought, a lot, because we were kids and also stupid

when we were sharing a room it would become a huge mess, mostly because we were preteens and why would we put away the toys we were always playing with? anyways, our stepdad would often give us an hour to clean our rooms, which would have been plenty of time if we didnt get distracted by out toys, as kids do. if we didnt get it cleaned in time (which we pretty much never did) we would get flogged. not like a gentle smack to enforce we’d done something wrong (like how you might smack a friends arm when they say something wrong or offensive) but full on belting, often with some kind of tool. he broke a couple duster over our backsides. we would sob for ages afterwards, and often rush around or hide when we heard him coming because we were afraid

i was afraid of him physically hurting me even after i was an adult. i think i was 20 before i had had enough and decided if he ever touched me again i’d fight back. when i was 16 i wanted my eyebrow pierced. he told me if i ever did he would tear it from my face. i got it done when i moved out at 19, and had a panic attack the first time i had to go home because i was 100% convinced he would. my mum had to pull me aside after dinner to tell me he wouldn’t, but to be honest i didnt really believe her

i have two younger step siblings, who were treated as angels, while my brother and i were treated like shit constantly. When my step-brother threw a tantrum and threatened my brother and me with a knife, he got a ‘talking to’, but not before my brother and me were screamed at for being shitty brothers (his temper tantrum was because we kept telling him he had to clean his room before our parents got him. he never did clean it)

once, my step brother was given 3 days to clean his room. days after the deadline, my mum told put her foot down. My girlfirend and i (i had moved out at this point) were visiting and helping get the place ready for xmas. My step brother refused to clean, screamed at me when i reminded him he only had today to do it, literally went crying to mum when she got home from work. I got yelled at,, by both mum and my step dad, until my grilfriend stepped in to defend me. apparently my step brother had told them i hit him, yelled at him and locked him in his room. at this point in my life, i literally couldnt give a shit whether he cleaned his room or not as i didnt live there, so all i did was remind him and let it go

for a few months when i was 18 i worked with my stepdad at a steel mill (the pay was almost worth deal with his bullshit). i had made plans a week in advance to go out with friends, and asked my stepdad multiple times to warn me in advance if i had to work the next day. the day of going out came, i told him that if i had to work to let me know by 10pm, because i would have enough time to come home and be functional for work. He never got in contact, so i stayed out all night and crashed at a friends place. 5am comes around and i get an angry phone call from my mum. my stepdad was pissed that i was out and wasnt ready for work. She knew that i had asked to be told by 10pm, but they both had ‘forgot’, and it was my fault, because i should have come home anyway. this was not the last time they would forget to tell me my shifts (my stepdad literally gave everyone their shifts, he had no excuse). i ended up getting picked up and dragged to work (i was too afraid of him to say no at this point) and went to work very hungover, which was very dangerous at a steel mill, but i was so afraid of him beating me that i put up with it

During my preteens i was part of an athletics club. i liked it, and enjoyed the field events far more then the track events. i hated running, because i would get really bad shin splints. no one believed me, and mum thought i was just lazy. i got into the regional championships for discus and high jump, and state for javelin. everyone was excited for me to go, but when i didnt place no one talked about it again. i felt so guilty over failing i stopped trying as hard. i did well at the weekly events, but never well enough to compete again.

i played soccer for years until mum got a weekend job and couldnt take us. my teammates thought i was useless and would never let me have the ball. one day, when we were short people, i got placed as a forward. i kept up with the others, and even scored a few goals. i got cheered for that game, and finally thought i would be accepted and make friends, but then the next week was back on the bench

similar happened when is started playing basketball instead of soccer (it ran on weeknights instead of weekends). i almost gave up until one of my teammates pulled me aside and actually tested me. when he found i could play, he started including me in games, passing to me and teaching me better techniques. i crushed on him so hard before i even knew what that meant. i never saw him again after that season, so when the next season came with an almost all new team, mixed with the emotional strain of school, i gave up on sports

school was very hard for me growing up. i got bullied alot through both primary and high school (even university, but by that point it didnt bother me as much)

i was a very sensitive child. i would cry whenever i felt too much of any emotion, including happiness. People told me for years to ‘suck it up’, to stop crying, or better, that they’d ‘give me something to cry about’. this lead to me bottling my emotions and literally beating myself whenever i would cry that i physically couldnt shed a tear for over a decade.

i felt so disconnected from everyone in my life that when i was around 12 i decided to try to kill myself. being a stupid kid i thought i could hold my breath until i died. i tried 3 times over about 6 months. it never clicked that it wouldnt work, i just became more scared of death then i did of my bullies.

i ran away from school twice in the same year. the first time one of my bullies set off a cap gun next to me, then started yelling about how i did it. i was so afraid of getting in trouble, not just by my teacher, but by my parents that i just ran. i ended up coming back to the school 30 mins later, after both my parents and the police had been called. no one wanted to hear why i had done it, they just wanted to be angry that i left school grounds.

i dont remember why i did it the second time, but i was gone maybe 5 mins before i came back, fearing not only my parents but the police this time. i knew i would be in worse trouble, but i just couldnt be in the school anymore.

one time, when we had a sex education class, i explained to a ‘friend’ that i didnt like talking about this stuff, cos it made me feel weird (not in a sexual way, but like, grossed out weird) he told everyone i got an erection in class, and people called me boner boy for months. that was actually not long before i tried to commit suicide for the first time

i thought things would be better in high school because i went to a different school then everyone i knew (i missed my friends, but i figured id get a new start). instead i got bullied from day one. the jockish kids in my class saw i was an easy target because at this point i still cried at the drop of a hat. some of those bullies from day one bullied me all the way through to senior year.

as i hit puberty i stopped being so emotional (well, i bottle it up more) and instead became angry at everything. i would lash out at everyone, and when i couldnt lash out at people i hit things. i split my knuckles on walls and doors many times

once, in the library, one of my bullies stole my wallet. he took all the money out, then threw the empty wallet at me and laughed. i snapped and threw the chair i was sitting on at him. i missed, but he dropped the money. i got sent to the vice principals office, where i explained what happened. he called in the other boy, who denied it all. no one else had seen, so i got in trouble and he got off

it was in highschool that i learnt that pain could help clear the bad feelings from my head, and started to self harm. i hated the feeling of cutting, so i burned myself, or scratched mosquito bites and small cuts until that got so bad they would scar

i used to try really hard in to be a good student in high school. i was in the ‘gifted and talented�� classes in primary school, so whenever i didnt do well (i never failed, just was never top of my class) i got told i had ‘so much potential’. no one ever saw the effort i did put in. When the school sent a letter home one time to congratulate me on getting the second top score in a test, i heard nothing of it. i found the letter a few weeks after it had been sent, opened. neither my mum nor stepdad had said anything about it. soon after i decided there was no point in trying if people only ever cared when i failed

i got into a fist fight one day at school. they didnt call my folks, so my mum found out when i got home with a black eye. we got into a fight about it, because i didnt want to talk to her about what happened. when confronted i broke down, and told her that i wanted to die. she yelled at me about being selfish while smacking me across the face multiple times. i decided not to talk to her about how i felt anymore, because i couldnt understand how you could beat someone who just said they wanted to die. to this day everytime i try to talk to her about any serious emotional stuff i start to break down and just cant do it

i to bullied about being gay for so many years that when i started to have feelings for other men i buried them and tried not to think about it. i spent years being scared that i might be gay, worried about what would happen to me if i was. When i started to think about my gender ( i didnt understand gender at the time) and how i wished i had been born a woman, i buried that and just assumed it was puberty hormones fucking with me. i still cant think about it without almost having an anxiety attack. i have so many years of self hatred, of poor body images and of people telling me i was ugly/fat/gross that i cant see myself as anything but

i finally calmed down emotionally around 17/18. senior year. at this point i tried my best to ignore my bullies and the voices in my head. i just wanted school to end so i could run away somewhere. i wanted to go to university to study forensic science. i had two different teachers tell me i wasnt smart enough, and that i would never get into uni. i ended up failing my HSC and having to do a bridging course to get into uni. the course was so good, in both how they taught in the environment (it was held at the univeristy) that i more then doubled my ATAR and got accepted into the two top forensic science courses (in hindsight i chose the worse of the two, but i didnt know at the time)

university was mixed years. i made some amazing friends and learnt some great stuff, but also had to deal with some absolute dickheads. It was a small country town where the only things to do outside study was to drink and play football. id given up on playing sports years before hand, and 9 out of 10 of the football players were super racist and homophobic. One of them raped a friend of mine and the university defended him. thats when my friends and i decided we had to leave campus. add to that that i found out at the end of my third year i had been doing the wrong course for the job i wanted, i quit uni and left

TL:DR - theres a lot of shit that fucked me up, but typing it all out i cant tell if it actually fucked me up or if im just whining about normal shit. ahh well. better to get it out then keep it in

Tune in next time folks! Same Bat-time! same Bat-channel!

[slipteeha]

Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt - TeeJeep

Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt

My greatest fear has always been loneliness, mainly because my parents abandoned me at 13. When I met, fell in love and married my wife, I thought I had met a mate for life. Alas, not so. It wasn’t just the relationship with someone else. Gradually, during our marriage, I found out that she had no further use for me when the family was complete. She never said anything, but she just started ignoring me more and more after our third child was born. She had what she wanted out of life: children, status and financial security even after a divorce. I did consider leaving her, but refrained for the sake of the children. The children have all left home now, though your role as a parent never stops. But my (soon to be ex-)wife has no such qualms. She was a good mother when the children were young, but now she doesn’t seem to care anymore. She left home, moved around with her new man for weeks and never contacted the children. Now he has left her, I don’t want her back in the house, so she has had to find a new place and suddenly she is all over the Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt, roping them into helping her decorate and move, even in the middle of their exams! I was furious and told her so in no uncertain terms, so now she goes around telling everyone that I am a brute and used to beat her up regularly. She is spending this XMas with her mother who has enticed my youngest into joining her. So here I am, spending XMas with my two eldest children, my family split up at XMas for the first time in more than 30 years.

(Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt)

The present of time is often more vital to the receiver and more delightful for the giver than the gift of Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt. We dont all have the same amount of money, but we all reach have get older on our hands, and can have enough money some of this grow old to put up to otherswhether that means we devote our lifetimes to service, or just provide a few hours each day or a few days a year. Offer to organizations subsequent to transparent aims and results According to Harvard scientist Michael Norton, Giving to a cause that specifies what theyre going to realize behind your child maintenance leads to more happiness than giving to an umbrella cause where youre not consequently sure where your allowance is going. Find ways to merge your interests and skills in the manner of the needs of others. Selfless giving, in the non-attendance of self-preservation instincts, easily becomes overwhelming, says Adam Grant, author of provide & Take. It is important to be otherish, which he defines as subconscious pleasing to have enough money more than you receive, but yet keeping your own interests in sight.  Be proactive, not reactive We have all felt the panic that comes from monster cajoled into giving, such as later than friends question us to donate to their fundraisers. In these cases, we are more likely to meet the expense of to avoid humiliation rather than out of generosity and concern. This type of giving doesnt lead to a warm warm feeling feeling; more likely it will lead to resentment. otherwise we should set aside time, think not quite our options, and locate the best help for our values.  Dont be guilt-tripped into giving.

Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt, Hoodie, Sweater, Vneck, Unisex and T-shirt

So to Christmas…first the tree at least 3 weeks out cause it makes the house smell soooooo good. Most my friends grumble about trees…too messy…too much bother…but when they come to my house they smile. Of course I have to talk at least one into coming with me and by the time we’re home they are dying to decorate. I decorate at night to get the 7 strings of lights just right then to the decorations which I’ve had for ages and remember each one…where I was when I got it or who gave it to me but the best the ones from my childhood. Tinsel…most people think it’s too glitzy and very messy, but that’s the point isn’t it? So to the presents…I wrap each one differently according to their favorite colors, and as usual I try to use real ribbons…more vintage and yummy. This year I bought everyone I know Chinese Sky Lanterns…I think the coolest things on the planet! So to the food…I cook a full turkey dinner…brined and stuffed, mashed potatoes with plenty of butter and [[Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt]], peas with sauteed mushrooms and pearl onions and of course lots ’o’ butter…it’s Christmas so let’s pig out, besides, it’s all about the leftovers! Actually I do this every Thanksgiving if I’m by myself or a boat load of people show up. It’s a tradition I’ve done for years so I usually get a boat load of people! Christmas dinner my best friend and I put our heads together and come up with some extravaganza because she doesn’t like turkey…this year we had roast ham with all the trimmings and those silly English crackers (because she’s British) that you pull, they pop and have prizes inside including the paper crowns which we all wore! December 1st: Love Actually (2003) – The film is a look at the subject of love in its many forms and a sign of its brilliance is that it can tell so many stories without losing any coherence. There is the story of the Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) that falls in love with his caterer (Martine McCutcheon), the story of the aging rocker (Bill Nighy) and his fraternal love for his manager (Gregor Fisher), the story of the young s

Best Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt

Christianity due to its clarity, its warm “fuzzy” message, spread like a wild fire throughout Ancient Rome. Even though Rome fought Christians with the most cruel ways possible, they could not stop the religion of spreading. This apexed into the decision of making it the “national” religion – however not in its very Judaic form, but in a form, which made it easier to pagan Romans to adapt. Hence a lot of influences of Roman pagan signs, traditions and symbolism has been adapted. Most people are taking for example the Sunday as “church day” for granted. But for the early Christians it was the holy Sabbath (Saturday). Even Jesus himself was resting, praying  on Sabbaths. Obviously the church has been arguing that we should celebrate Sunday, as this was the day Jesus Christ stood up from the Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt, but this is rather bogus, as it would have been unthinkable for Jesus to resurrect on the holy day.

(Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt)

Tucson is smack in the middle of the vast Sonoran Desert, and as such, it is a land of extremes. My first impression of Tucson was terrible: my partner and I went for a drive the day after we arrived. We drove north on Stone Avenue in late June. The sun was unbearably hot, the city was at its yearly low ebb of population, with the university students and snowbirds gone. What we saw was a lone tumbleweed bouncing across the road in a dusty hot wind and a very intoxicated middle-aged couple stumbling down the sidewalk. My partner was the first to speak: “You know–we don’t have to STAY here. We can get right back in the rental truck and just keep going.” We didn’t, of course. Well–she did, after we split up 3 years later. But that’s another story. Yes, Tucson can be lethal, or at least hazardous. Property crime is high, particularly in the urban area. I had my cars broken into, my garage, and m

Buy it now: Trump Make Christmas Pajamas Great Again T Shirt - TeeJeep

Red Plaid Ballet Shoes Christmas Lights Ballerina Pajamas T Shirt 1 - TeeJeep

Red Plaid Ballet Shoes Christmas Lights Ballerina Pajamas T Shirt 1 - TeeJeep

Red Plaid Ballet Shoes Christmas Lights Ballerina Pajamas T Shirt 1 - TeeJeep

tag: uglyxmas16, republican christmas, sweater design, donald trump, christmas sweater, ugly holiday, christmas sweaters, ugly republican, christmas, sweater design, GOP christmas, sweater,Speedsolving, Erno Rubik, Speedcubing, Rubik’s Cube, Geek, X-Mas, Speedcuber, Nerd, Merch, 3D Combination, Puzzle, Magic Cube, 80s Game, Merchandise, #officialbrands Ugly, Christmas Sweater, ugly christmas, sweater, reindeer, red and green, pattern, christmas, funny christmas, santa, sweater,

Hompage: Teejeep Cataloge

[une-dyke-tragique]

ok so this is a small thing but it’s part of a larger pattern of my existence which is why I'm bothering typing about it. 

also as a preface i KNOW this is gonna seem ridiculous to many people but so be it i feel like expressing it anyways because its my blog. and read til the end if your gonna read it at all otherwise just scroll past tbh 

so today i brought a choker i just got for xmas with me to my aunt’s house for our xmas party. i put it in my bag with my stuff to bring as i couldn’t get it on my neck by myself.

we got there and halfway through i remembered i wanted to wear it and tried putting it on myself again inn the mirror. . my mom was like ‘oh come over here, just for now’ and distracted me from doing it so i put it in my pocket.

then later i tried putting it on again when my cousins and i were sitting on the couch and i was like “can anyone put this on for me?” and my cousin made some remark and my sister pretended she didn’t hear and no one volunteered to do it and I felt awkward so I just sat there with it in my hand, kind of having a ‘brain block’ of ‘i dont know what to do next’ so i just stayed with it in my hands a while until i put it back in my pocket. 

i ended up misplacing it and then thinking id lost it later. and i know it seems silly, but honestly that is a small example of the people around me not understanding how if I'm in the middle of something, i can’t be distracted from it , and also if i ask for help with something 8/10 times its because i literally do need help with it and am otherwise unable to do it or going to have a rough time! also I’m pretty bad at communicating why I’m asking something, or doing something, because I assume the answer should be obvious, almost like I’m expecting people to read my mind.

earlier this week my friend got super pissed at me for showing up to something “””late””” even though we technically never officially agreed on a time. and she was like WHYD YOU DO THAT? and ignored my calls and texts just to be petty and was super bitchy to me. I’m gonna have to explain to her that HEY I literally have trouble getting out of bed some days, and going out in public is a hard ordeal for me sometimes and stresses me out so if I'm late every once in a while its because i have problems getting my shit together, also you never said “BE THERE AT 1″ Clearly!!  she was way out of line.

like I just think I dont express myself clearly enough which is a “me” issue, but theres other instances of people just being unempathetic and thoughtless towards me and not giving me what i need or treating me with respect, but i digress, the explanation would be kind of complicated. but i just think in 2018 I'm gonna have to demand more respect from others and more understanding of my disability/ poor thinking and communicate it more and not let shitty behaviour slide.

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

[artificialqueens]

party chapter twelve - shalaska - pureCAMP

A/N - here’s another pathetic apology. it’s been over a month. i am a mess and a ball of stress, and i’m very sorry. i hope you like this<3

btw, a man is mentioned in this. this man is not intended to be chad. i know who chad is. this is not chad. thank u

When Alaska woke up, the bed was empty. She could’ve lain there forever – would have if she hadn’t been alone – but her outstretched arms were grasping at nothing but cold pillows, and she wanted to be grasping at a warm body. She knew she’d fallen asleep encompassed in a warm body, one that was composed of familiar geometric shapes and sharp angles, but that body was gone now. Alaska blinked a few times and sat up, feeling groggy. She could hear voices. One sounded clear and high and female, the other low and rough and male. Part of her wanted to listen, but the other part begged her to lie back once more.

So she did, sinking back down into the pillow and closing her eyes as she listened to the voices grow louder and closer in proximity. The voices should have been instantly recognisable to her; she’d heard those two exact voices arguing and laughing many mornings when they were on tour, but fatigue made her mind foggy. All she could think about was the previous night.

Sharon had said that Alaska ‘didn’t deserve the bad publicity’ that was synonymous with her name. She’d said a lot of things, but that one stuck in her mind. It wasn’t like Alaska didn’t get bad publicity anyway, but she understood where Sharon was coming from. It was only recently that Alaska’s general public view had shifted from liked and loved to loved or hated, whereas Sharon had been a figure of strong controversy and adoration since her win, way back when. It must have been exhausting for her.

Almost absent-mindedly, Alaska reached for her phone to break the cardinal rule of reality TV superstardom. She was guilty of it, almost everyone she knew was guilty of it at some point, and even though it brought nothing but strife it was still an unshakeable urge. To know, to read, to acknowledge.

Anonymous: i know right… she used to be really sweet but then she let all the “fan favourite” fame get to her head and she’s a total snake now. I never understood why everyone loved her anyway, she was so fake on her season. And on as2 she clearly just wanted to keep detox and Roxxxy in the competition, and then she had a meltdown because she was about to be treated the way she treated everyone else. So then what does she do when everyone’s commenting snakes about her and her relevance is crashing down (because who cares about her when you could care about Katya)? She pulls out her last trick and does a show with sharon needles. Sad, really. Sad how she pretends they’re still super good friends and uses her to boost her fame and ego when she needs it. Besides the fact that sharon is a complete dick (look on reddit) it’s obvious that alaska only performs with her because it makes people excited and sharon seems to really like her… gross. Dont use another queen for your own good. Anyone else agree?

197 likes. 445 comments. 3 shares.

Honestly, that was mostly standard. Tons of people thought she was a snake for caring about her friends, and viciously defended Katya – the same Katya who would call her at midnight, giggling because a fly had landed on her baby hands and she’d managed to capture a few seconds of it on snapchat. Those were the deluded kind, and their words about being a snake or undeserving were ones she’d grown used to, and unaffected by.

Even so, the comment riled her up. She hated when fans assumed things about her life that they wouldn’t know. For one, she was friends with Katya. Secondly, how dare they assume she was just using Sharon? How dare they claim disgusting falsehoods from behind their keyboards, hidden warriors declaring that Alaska was using Sharon for her own benefit? They didn’t know that Alaska’s heart had been beating differently since they’d kissed, and how would they? They didn’t know Alaska had been falling hard for the past few months, and Sharon had fallen too, and how would they? They didn’t know that the overdose had shattered a gaping hole in her heart that bled with the worry that it would be too late for their love to survive, and how would they? How could they assume something so blatantly wrong? They knew nothing. Nothing at all.

“-irresponsible. But you already know, so I won’t keep going on. Morning, Lasky.”

Alaska sat up, forcing a smile onto her face to counteract the inevitable anger that came from reading comments about herself and the people she cared about. Michelle looked beautiful as always, her face creased with motherly concern, and Sharon’s pyjama top was undone all the way down, Alaska’s eyes instantly drawn to the sliver of exposed chest.

“I’m being lectured again about being irresponsible and taking drugs. It was an accident! But whatever.” Sharon informed her, and resumed her argument with Michelle.

The woman in question frowned. “How do you accidentally do drugs? You don’t just fall face-first into a pile of powders, Sharon.”

Sharon snorted. “No, you fall purse-first. I didn’t mean that it was an accident that I did coke. That was very much intentional.”

Even through the years of her sobriety, Alaska knew exactly what Sharon meant. It was never an accident. After so long, she still hadn’t forgotten. She never would. Memories like that just didn’t go away. It was seared into her mind forever, the way that the club lights would get brighter and the pounding of the music in her chest would spread to her head, her arms and fingertips, all through her body until she felt nothing and everything at the same time. The way she felt numb yet hyper-sensitive, seeing everything in vivid technicolour that made her ache in a painful but good way.

“She means how much she took.” Alaska said quietly. The memories flashing through her mind were scattered, frayed at the edges and missing chunks, and it made her feel sick. “It’s so stupidly easy to overdose, Michelle. You have no idea.”

Immediately, Sharon’s gaze lowered to her feet. The older queen knew exactly what Alaska was remembering, knew she was reflecting on their old club days.

“You just… you have a little and it’s fun, it feels good, it lowers your inhibitions, and then it wears off after like ten minutes. Ten minutes, that’s it. So you go get more, because you can’t feel it anymore and you want to feel it again. And then you keep doing it, because it lasts a little longer each time and you lose a little more sense every time but it still wears off. You forget that it builds up in your system and… and…”

Alaska couldn’t finish. The image of Sharon, with her dilated pupils and her quivering hands, leaning over the mattress to vomit on the carpet before falling back onto the bed, it was far too raw. Far too real. No matter what happened, no matter how she recovered or how many jokes would be made about it, that moment would never leave her. It had chilled her to the bone.

“You take too much. You overdose. You nearly die and ruin the tour and Christmas and any chance you had at redeeming your fucked-up reputation.” Sharon finished bitterly. “You worry your friends, you worry your mom, you worry anyone who bothered to care for you. It’s so easy, Michelle. It shouldn’t be, but it is.”

Michelle’s brow creased further, warmth and concern evident in her eyes. “Thank god you’re okay now. Why did you in the first place? I know you’re… partial to your illegal substances.”

Sharon bit her plumped lip and fidgeted. “Well, there is the fact that I like it, but… I don’t know. Is there ever a reason? I wanted to go out and party after stressing about the tour and arguments and all of that, and I happen to be a Ru Girl. People will give you anything when you’re a Ru Girl. Of course I said no the way a drag queen does, which sounds like ‘Sure!’ and the rest is drag. History. Her-story. Whatever. I’m alive, at least.”

Her attempt at lightening the mood, tossing in a few jokes to elicit a laugh, didn’t really work. Alaska smiled weakly, mainly out of tact, her emotions mirrored in Michelle’s face. The older woman looked as if she might tear up and hug the life out of Sharon in an instant.

“Right. Is the next rehab session soon?”

Sharon cut in before Alaska could drop a spiel that would keep Michelle happy. “Yeah, but I’m not going.”

“Oh shit,” Alaska muttered under her breath as Michelle’s face went from concerned to angered.

“Let me talk, first. Don’t look at me like that,” Sharon murmured. “I’ll go every now and then, but it’s not necessary. I know why I did it and what led me to that environment – I’m a fucking drag queen. Do I get urges? Yes, but I have Alaska by my side 24/7 to guilt me into being a good girl. I don’t need their goddamn group therapy where John the divorced father of three kids and heroin addict tells us he used to work in a bank. I can make this change on my own.”

Michelle didn’t look convinced, but she nodded. “If you think so. I’m gonna call or visit regularly, to check in. In the meantime, I know you’ve updated your social media, but I think you should speak to your friends who spent Christmas fretting about you.”

Alaska winced, knowing that the worries of their friends was one of Sharon’s biggest guilt-trippers, guaranteed to cause her mood to change. She’d already learnt how to tiptoe delicate around things that could trigger mood swings, but Michelle hadn’t been around to notice.

“Don’t fucking remind me.” Sharon grunted, but Alaska noticed that she reached for her phone from her pocket as Michelle walked out of the house. Her own phone began to buzz as Sharon typed.

-BOTS Ladies ❤-

Sharon: i’m an asshole. Sorry i ruined the tour and xmas.. cunt wait to see you all again when im allowed to be around people again

Phi Phi: jesus i thought you’d never text us

Detox: BITCH!! We were terrified!!

Courtney: don’t ever do that again, shags. I cried when i found out u were ok. Even willam bellend did

Sharon: not really planning on doing it again..

Jinkx: get better soon

Alaska: am i not a person??

Sharon: ur an alien..

Fame: are u two hanging out rn?

Katya: because what u see isn’t always a person

Jinkx: alaska are you with Sharon omg?

Jinkx: michelle told me nothing after u got out of the ER and ICU

Sharon: boo

At the same time that Sharon looked down at Alaska in the bed, Alaska shot her a sheepish smile. Her mind raced, but she really had no idea how else to relax.

Sharon vocalized Alaska’s thoughts. “You just told our friends that we’re currently in the same place, which can literally only be my home.”

Thankfully, the only undertones in her voice were ones of amusement. Sharon collapsed onto the bed next to her, a wide grin spreading onto her face as she watched Alaska try and figure out a response.

“Uh… I guess I did. Oops.” She managed.

Sharon cracked up. “You’re so stupid!” She laughed, shifting under the covers to where Alaska was still sat up. She pushed Alaska so she was also lying down and held both of her hands. “I wanna kiss your idiot face. You mind?”

Alaska chuckled, freeing her hands so she could tug Sharon closer. “My idiot face wants to be kissed.”

In an instant, Alaska completely forgot that she’d slipped up to their friends, because Sharon’s lips were connected with hers. The older queen’s teeth bit into Alaska’s bottom lip, sucking it gently as her hands roamed in her short dark curls. Her touch was soft but insistent, wantonly asking for more whilst keeping the boundaries between them. Flush against her, Sharon was cold from walking around the house, and she curled her body into Alaska’s for warmth and closeness as their tongues entered each other’s mouths. After a few seconds they pulled apart, needing air, and pressed their sweating foreheads against one another. When Alaska opened her eyes, she saw thick dark lashes and bright blue eyes watching her, the tiniest of smiles accompanying their loving gaze.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She panted, breathless. She couldn’t control the smile that made its way onto her face as she took in Sharon’s expression.

Sharon smiled wider. “Looking at you like what?”

“Like you love me.”

The blonde kissed her again, languid and luxurious, as if she had all the time in the world. A quiet gasp escaped from Alaska’s lips, but she was in too much bliss to care.

“Because I do, pumpkin. Every moment I get to kiss you is every kiss I missed out on in four years of fucking up. That’s a lot of lost time to make up for.” Sharon breathed, her gaze never once leaving Alaska’s face. Her skin was flushed red, her lips slightly swollen from kissing, her hair mussed from Alaska’s hands – in short, she’d never looked so beautiful. Alaska’s heart beat faster at the sight of her.

“Four years is a lot of time to make up for.” Alaska repeated, arching her neck as Sharon began to plant kisses along the bottom of her jaw. “Four long years.”

Sharon started concentrating on a spot just underneath the curve of her jawline, sucking at the sensitive skin there. When she was done, she kissed the red mark she’d left.

“I can handle that.” Sharon took a moment to breathe and speak, before instantly getting back to work at Alaska’s jaw and neck. Her facial hair was growing through again, the short, dark stubble, and Alaska knew Sharon had a thing for it. Back when they had been together before, although she had never admitted it out loud, Alaska always noticed the slight increase in affection – mainly kisses on her jawline – when she had facial hair.

“We should do something today.” Sharon said suddenly, nipping at Alaska’s ear.

Alaska laughed at Sharon’s imitation of what she herself used to do when they originally dated. “Like what? Isn’t the next rehab session later today?”

A hint of teasing laced Alaska’s words. She knew there was no way in hell she was going to get Sharon to go another time – at least not in the same week. Just as she expected, Sharon let out a loud whine.

“It’s Thursday! We agreed that I wasn’t gonna go today, don’t make me go back to that suicide-inducing church. They’ll make me speak to the fucking priest, I’ll burst into flames. I mean something fun! Just us.” Sharon’s plea was almost childlike, her feverish touch and hungry lips making way for wide blue eyes and a hopeful expression.

Alaska hummed, deliberately dragging her decision out. “Hmm… all I remember is you saying you’d cook if I didn’t make you go… I don’t know, Noodles.”

“Please!” Sharon begged. “Come on, I never use proper manners. Indulge me.”

“I’m gonna need some more persuasion than that. Indulge me, what? I’m missing some manners there.” Alaska taunted further.

Sharon sighed. “Can you pass me my glasses? I can’t see a goddamn thing.”

Alaska bit back a comment about Sharon’s age, choosing the path to a quiet life. Shifting over, she reached for the table where the blonde’s glasses were sat and managed to hook them onto her finger, practically flinging them at Sharon’s face. Sharon wrinkled her nose, filling Alaska with the uncontrollable urge to kiss it, and put the glasses on.

“There we are.” She said, satisfied, and pulled herself up. She positioned her hands either side of Alaska’s head, moving so her body hovered over hers. Alaska was essentially pinned into place.

“You look prettier when I’m wearing glasses.” Sharon stated, lowering herself down.

Her lips kissed Alaska’s gently, teasing her. She knew the light touch wouldn’t be enough, and Alaska would crave more as she always did. When Alaska tried to lift her head to intensify the kiss, Sharon drew back ever so slightly, so the pressure stayed tantalisingly soft. The ball was in her court.

“Are you persuaded yet?” Sharon breathed, not giving Alaska the chance to respond before resuming her unbearably gentle kiss. Alaska found herself shaking her head.

“You’re not? Okay, what about this?”

Sharon withdrew suddenly, and Alaska moaned at the loss of her warmth above her. She waited desperately for something else, something more, allowing her to get her own way and enjoy her time with Sharon.

What she received instead was entirely unexpected; a pair of strong red hands scrabbling at her sides, her stomach, under her arms, tickling her. Alaska shrieked and flailed, uncontrollable laughter escaping from her as she writhed about. Sharon knew all of her weak spots – a four year relationship had ensured that – and she abused them all, delighting in the squeals of laughter she was causing and joining in with a few joyful chuckles of her own.

“FINE! FINE! FINE! WE CAN DO S-S-SOMETHING! YOU DON’T HA-HAVE TO GO!” Alaska giggled, practically yelling the words. “FREE ME! L-LET ME GO!”

Instantly upon her surrender, Sharon laughed and leaned down again to kiss her, this time properly. Her weight on top of Alaska – lighter due to her stay in hospital – was comforting, and when they pulled apart, Alaska grinned dumbly.

“Your glasses bumped my nose.” She complained, rubbing the little red mark they’d left. “Have you got any ideas of what you want to do today?”

Sharon smiled, pushing them up with her middle finger. “Your nose bumped my glasses. I actually don’t know. We could just see if there’s anything to do and make something out of the day.”

“I like that.”

-

Appearing in public with Sharon wasn’t new to Alaska, especially not when they were in drag. Appearing with public in Sharon out of drag happened a few times, generally during BOTS or with friends, never really alone. Appearing with Sharon out of drag, in public, in Pittsburgh, with the knowledge that there was some kind of relationship-but-not-relationship happening behind the scenes? Alaska didn’t really know how to act.

The city had practically become a hive for fans of strange, weird, underground drag to flock to, or just fans of Sharon, Alaska and the Haus of Haunt. The two didn’t dare to hold hands or come across as too affectionate, because they just never knew who was going to see them. Not all drag race fans were skinny white twinks obsessing over Jeffree Starr, and all it would take was a single sneaky picture from a fan of the two acting differently to spark even more online drama. Alaska wanted to avoid as much of the drama as possible, even if Sharon had already added to it,

Thankfully, their walk down the streets of Pittsburgh had been fairly uneventful. No one really gave them a second look, not caring or not knowing who they were. Alaska knew the city had a great sense of pride for the two of them, but in the daytime they weren’t really stars. The true reverence was at night, in full paint, under the sweltering lights of a club. As two fairly ordinary looking guys, minus a little bit of Botox,  there was no point in staring. Unlike when they were in drag, there was really nothing to see.

“This feels so weird. We worked so hard to never be seen with each other.” Sharon mused. “I spent ages wanting to be with you and now it’s happened, it feels strange. Get what I mean?”

Alaska nodded. “Completely. I was just in denial, and now-”

“We’re here.” Sharon finished.

There was something symbolic about it, simply walking through the city. It was pleasant enough to walk around, enjoying the peace, but there was more to it. Every step felt like retracing an old memory – drunkenly stumbling down the road after a long show, kissing for the first time in the shelter of the bus stop when it rained, dates back when no one cared to learn their names. They’d come full circle, in a way. They were back where it had all started.

As they walked into the lesser-populated parts of the city, the amount of people thinned. The occasional group of kids skated past, but other than that, it was mostly empty. A few people walked past, but not enough for Alaska to feel too exposed. She slipped her hand into Sharon’s, smiling bashfully as Sharon gave hers a squeeze and didn’t object. For some reason, Alaska felt her heart swell. Sharon didn’t mind her showing a little bit of affection in public. Maybe things were changing.

Caught up in conversation, Alaska didn’t even notice the man walking in their direction until they collided, momentarily leaving Alaska dizzy. She opened her mouth, ready to apologise, and stopped when she saw Sharon’s expression.

The blonde looked shell-shocked, her lips parted slightly as she and the stranger stared each other down. Alaska tried to search for something familiar about him, but found nothing in his brown eyes, ruffled black hair, and lean build.

“Aaron. Good to see you.” He said, his voice expressionless.

Alaska frowned. Hardly anyone called Sharon Aaron. In fact, Alaska had only heard Michelle call her Aaron once, and that was in the hospital after just over half a decade of knowing her. Even Alaska herself usually called her Sharon. It was strange hearing her referred to as Aaron.

“You too, Mark.” Sharon replied, her voice even. Mark turned to Alaska, and Sharon quickly filled her in. “Alaska, this is Mark… my ex-fiancé. Mark, you know Alaska.”

Mark pursed his lips, his eyes cold. His gaze fell onto their entwined fingers. “I do know Alaska. You’ve reunited?”

Sharon coughed. “Let’s not do this, Mark. I really don’t want to do this.”

A sense of protectiveness welled up inside Alaska. Sharon’s voice was quiet, totally unlike herself. She seemed stripped of her confidence, something Alaska had been trying her best to preserve and build up since the overdose.

“Funny, I recognise those words from the night you told me I wasn’t good enough. He’ll get cold feet and leave you, the way he left me.”

Mark directed the last part towards Alaska, who glared at him. How dare he?

“You know it wasn’t like that.” Sharon sighed. “Things weren’t working. I was unhappy.”

Involuntarily, her grip on Alaska’s hand tightened. Alaska had had enough.

“Back the fuck up, Mark. It’s not your place to tell Sharon what makes her happy or criticise her for pursuing her own happiness. The last thing she needs right now is you stressing her out by being an asshole.” She spat.

Mark narrowed his eyes. “Oh? You care about her wellbeing? Again, funny how we broke up, you started talking again and then she took an overdose. I’m not saying it was intentional, but I’m saying that she’s always been good at lying.”

“That’s not true!” Sharon insisted, fiercely defending Alaska more than herself. “Don’t listen to him. Come on, let’s just get out of here.”

Mark scowled. “You’re good at brainwashing people, Aaron. I never knew you could do it to the same person twice. Thank god I got free from it.”

Without another word, Mark continued walking down the street, and Alaska tugged Sharon along, desperate to distract her from what had just happened. Sharon had told her back in the hotel room months ago that she’d had a fiancé she couldn’t bring herself to marry. No doubt Alaska had been mentioned, judging by Mark’s hostility towards the pair. Alaska recalled Sharon admitting that she couldn’t bring herself to say she loved him.

“Sharon?”

“Yeah?”

Alaska hesitated, but pushed on. “I love you.”

There was a long pause. Oh, shit, Alaska thought. I’ve gone and fucked it up now. This was going to be the part when Sharon couldn’t say it back, was just enjoying their hands-free, no stress thing they had going on. Perhaps Alaska had it twisted. But no, she was overreacting. Or was she? Sharon didn’t love her. But she did! She’d spent so long saying so. What if things had changed? Alaska was freaking out. The silence dragged on for what feel like hours, each second that ticked past stabbing into Alaska like a knife.

“I love you too.” Sharon responded. “I like saying that as long as I’m saying it to you.”

Alaska pulled the shorter queen into a whirlwind kiss, wrapping her arms around her and tilting her face upwards before letting her go and smiling.

“Shall we just go home? I can call a cab if you’re gonna find it hard to walk all the way back.”

Sharon brought Alaska’s hand to her lips and kissed it. “Whatever you want. I need to start thinking about you more.” Alaska’s insides felt warm, but something wasn’t right. A gust of cold wind on the back of her neck, a mosaic out of place in a beautiful picture. Everything was perfect but something just didn’t feel right. A feeling of foreboding began to encroach.

[esximo]

28/04/2017

Entry Log: 1 (I need to vent but i dont want to bother my friends with this shit, so I’ll vent on here. I should probs see a therapist or something one day lmao. Feel free to ignore this btw)

Today started off bad when I realised what the date was. Today is.. or was.. my dad’s birthday. I would have called him and wished him a happy birthday, asked what the plans for his day were, that I’d come visit him over the mid-year break. Tell him about my experiences at uni so far, the new friends I’ve made, the girl I like, the kind of classes i have and which ones are my favourite.

But he.. passed away a few days after christmas last year. I thought of ringing him up on xmas day to say “merry christmas” and ask him how he was doing. “I’ll do it later” i’d tell myself.. but i didnt. Now I’ll always be left wondering “what if I had just called him” maybe he wouldn’t have done it. Also, I haven’t even grieved properly yet and tbvh im actually quite scared to so im trying to avoid it. For a while christmas has been a rather dull time for me.. but now.. now I dont want december to come at all. Maybe if I’m lucky i’ll somehow die before then coz god knows i dont deserve to be here tbh

Well I managed to avoid having a breakdown this morning and uni has been a good distraction today.. but tonight I’ll be home alone and its only a matter of time before I have a breakdown heck i almost did on the train ride home lmao tonights gonna be a long night

To my dad: I love you, i miss you, and im sorry

[wheretogofrmhere]

Jess Pt. 2

Jessica Pt. 2- ok I should start w/ this… last march when they first hung out I wasn’t around that wk bc I was on a cruise so literally the whole wk I was gone & didn’t get on my phone/online at all! I had no idea Jessica existed until I got back & got a brief recap on tumblr that they only hung out 1 time & the media/her were extra as hell, basically same old same old w/ every girl! Figuring we’d never see her w/ Niall again I didn’t bother reading the articles- I googled a pic, rolled my eyes & moved on lol! I knew she was a model or aspiring model & supposedly had a kid she abandoned, nothing else. So back to nov. so I explained the whole concert/AMAs wk & after that like I said she quit posting things alluding to Niall but I kept following for a while bc she seemed the type to start posting about him again &/or being super extra again out of nowhere! And here’s the real start of my pain… It took ab 2 days to realize from her snaps that this girl is literally the most obnoxious person I have ever seen! I can’t even explain it really… she doesn’t really act the stuck-up bitchy model type “like I’m so hot I’m better than you” vibe that most models act like. At least the majority of the time she doesn’t act that way! She acts ignorant… seriously her snaps- she’s like an annoying 13 yr old girl in a hot adult body! Idc how pretty she is, LA is a fairly pretentious place and ALL the females are smoking hot, so I honestly have no idea how she works there based on how she seems to act most of the time! And I cannot believe that Niall hung out w/ her once more than about 2 min, let alone a second night! At least girls he’s been linked to- I might not like them & they may be bitches to other girls or give off those stuck-up vibes, but I’ve always been sure around him they acted chill & like “fit-in” with whatever crowd they were around! Jessica’s on a level that I don’t think she’d have it in her to act un-obnoxious! She’s so bad it almost made me judge Niall! So worst part of it all at Xmas she’s posting all about going home & I see day 1 she posts when she lands in Little Rock (Arkansas in case your not sure) & I’m like WTF?! I’m from AR & lived in a suburb of Little Rock, essentially 10 min out of the capital. So then she posts when she arrives in her home town, which is no lie literally 15 min from where I lived! She’s a bit younger than me, and we obvi went to different high schools anyway, but I had tons of friends from her hometown, like we may even know some of the same people which made me die!!! I couldn’t help but think oh my fucking god it’s ppl like her that give the south such a bad rep! Not like the racist redneck rep, but more just that ppl from the south are a lot times viewed as ignorant, uneducated, uncultured, buffoons! She 100% embodies that rep ok! So anyway I’m literally just rambling now, the point is I could not believe she was essentially from where I was & was linked too Niall- like it was a weird connection I felt to her & him that I DID NOT WANT! And it just really embarrasses me. Idc so much ab other ppl/the rest of the free world, but I don’t want Niall assuming ppl from AR all act like this girl! That’s honestly how bad she is! She’s a moron 98% of the time and the other 2% when she ~is acting all “I’m so hot” completely full of herself, it’s still embarrassing bc it’s obvi she’s trying WAY too hard! It’s like “oh I’m annoying as hell” but as a consolation I’m hot & here’s a pic of my naked ass to make up for it! Not to mention she’s snapped at least 3 times her sister Sky (Skye ?) sitting on the toilet & showering & then Sky had her phone & posted Jessica on the toilet & showering too the same 3 times! In the shower she kinda blurred their parts, but like could you cry for attention any harder?!! And the toilet ones were from the side so no vag, but full side ass! And god that’s so fuckin crass & gross! Like wtf? Who would post that?!! It honestly makes me cringe so hard to even think about it! I can confirm that Jessica is complete and utter classless, white trash! He is honestly such a good person & radiates pure class 100% of the time, so it physically pains me to think they might ever hang out again! And wow, this is prob longer than the first message now. I could honestly give examples all day but I think this more than stresses my distaste for this girl! 😖

oh my god i dont even know what to say lmao this was more than i was expecting but i believe it tbh...

[thefutureisu]

xxiii - “P”

it’s been days, but i am still quite pissed with this one guy whom I’ve talked to for almost a month.

so we matched on bumble during his bday (which i just learned later on that day) anw i was talking to a lot of ppl then, and i didn’t give him much attention……? but turned out he was an art guy /and I’m a sucker for art ppl duh/ so ayun i was asking stuff

then turns out it was his bday??? and i got intrigued bc if it was other ppl, first thing that they’ll say is HEY it’s my bday greet me, or whatever

anw i said lets switch to tg since i wasn’t that much keen on opening bumble na much bc i feel guilty of the ppl i stopped replying to (hey I’m trying 2 be better)

THEN to my surprise, he invited to call. i was dreading it at first. i dont want another “S" mishap. but then i agreed bc i felt lazy in typing na ren, but i told him first if he was sure bc I’m fucking awkward w calls, i can’t get my charming self out w calls lmao

anw, ff to three week, we were calling almost every night. like even when he was at parties, or w his friends he called pa ren. BUT it was nothing, just yknow normal talking?? wait HOLD UP, i feel kinda oa bc when we were talking, he was always keen to call. like ill try to say i might not b able to then he’ll say aww or aw ok or basta after i say no, ill feel bad. i seldom left him on read at times BUT he was often double texting me, which was nice. he actually reminded me of S at times, he was an open book too. he shared a LOT haha, even sent me lots of photos.

SPEAKING OF S, they know each other!!!!!! they were classmates b4 wtf. smol world tlaga, dude. he asked kasi how i knew S, then i told him a bit of what happened. anw, w this guy. he seemed ok? nice. we had a lot of common in music and films and fash0wn and he was basta okay lng.

plus he was convenient to talk to. madalas nga i was the one sleeping on him lmao. like he really helped me sleep sum nights. he was ok w him talking the whole time, which was half great..? i was often tired w work thts why i didn’t share much (plus he was a stranger) wait HAHA his name is really long so he has this card-related nname that also begins w an ’s', but ill just call him P (his other name).

there was one time pa nga when our call reached 10 hours. tangina, idk how i stayed up that long. from 8ish until almost 7 am. that was both our longest HAHA WTF 10. both xmas celebs, we called din. which was weird since it was xmas. but this is what’s bothering me. last time we called, it was ‘k naman. i was kinda drunk kaya i dont really remember…………….thts why I’m slightly bothered baka i said something not nice ???

after that call, he didn’t messg much na. i did, i sent him a meme vid but our talk “down spiraled”, which ended up in me being super irritated cause he said that i was overthinking stuff again, like i did it often (i mean i do) but i dont think he was at the place where he could say it na? like we weren’t in that place yet. his choice of words were really offensive i swear. so i told him he was an ahole, then after non he was replying na lang w one words. he didn’t even apologize, sarap manapak.

anywaaaaay, new yr i greeted him. he greeted back. being such a ppl pleaser, i was irked that he had the audacity to be like that when he was the one who did “something” to irritate me.

but i still asked, like after NY. i said sumthin like "hey whats w the sudden change etc etc did sumthing happen" ganon TAS HAHAHAHA DO U KNOW WHAT HE SAID? he said no nothing happened, he just can’t reply much because he’s been talking to someone else na lmao

i mean ok???? but the way he said it, it was in a v apologetic tone!! it had the same energy w “um I’m not tlking to u anymore bc i have a new one now” i was so offended, it was like i was bitch slapped!!!

eh kasi naman hahahaha we were just friends-ish. but parang iba to him, i mean he could’ve laughed and said hey cha i have a kalandian now but yea whats up w you na, ganon. idk iba kasi tlaga pagkakasabe nya sksjddjdkdkdk like he turned me down ganon.

i was trying 2 b “friends” legitimate haha i have other friends whom i made na at bumble, & i thought ganon den so i replied "what??? haha i thought i offended u kasi kaya i asked, anw gl (good luck)" tas he seened me ????? sayang oras ko sa’yo, P. sayang puyat ko sa’yo lmao i should’ve slept. ass.

& the thing thats been bothering me is his SUDDEN change. ugh boys. it’s quite scary hahahah to trust ppl. maybe he got scared na i invited him on art fair lol i remem inviting him sa last call. maybe he thought i was asking him out….,,,,,,,,,eh i invited him bc i have free tix from my comp & all my friends have weekend jobs tas art stud sha so it was convenient bc he’d be able to “get it” i mean the stuff there. lol ewan, basta he changed agad, kay parang i was super surprised. one min, he’s like this tapos biglang BAM ok bye

[poisonspivey]

Here it goes

I cant stop thinking about you.. Or talking about you.. I honestly dont care what you think since your nose is soo far up in the air you cant be bothered To acknoledge we were even friends... Thats all we were is friends... But it felt like more for us both .. We both kept a painful distance as getting too close rattled the others insecurites and life triggers.. Its like youve been with me my whole life.. And i was a part of yours... It was fucking real To me and for me in your land of stories.. Now im one of them a crazy person as youve told everyone.. Sad thing everything i told you about myself was fact.. I lived every single moment i reflected on and every topic we would discuss as your eyes lit up like an Xmas tree talking about your interests at the time.. You are the best at what you do because of your desire to fit in and or belong... But you didnt need To work hard at that youre Amazing as youd slowly snuggle into me as wed watch American horror story.. Who called you out for having feelings for me? It wasnt long until it was pointed out To me you loved me.. Being the one who was older and felt like i needed To protect you from the Monster inside me and the fact shit like this never stays and i was so head over feet lost in you and happy just being next to you i never saw coming all the horrible things that have me close to the edge of flatlining and you already way beyond my exsistence.. I see you everywhere.. I miss your smile.. Your energy... Your stubborn goody two shoes secret degenerate ways.. Disappearing for a day .. Laying next to you the world stops.. One of my best friends is on deaths door willingly and i cant save her.. :( and i cant watch either cuz somehow i think she likes me sobbing and begging for her to just stay alive with me as i world be the one making the phone call to her mom when it ends... Again my resolve to not die by the same means as my friends and or giving into my lust to join her down this dark rabbit hole of euphoria... Im trying... But this is too much loss for my heart... Id sell my soul for 24 hours of you with me away from here and all this in the mountains or near the water... Away from all the reasons we couldnt even consider a Kiss... Im also Old... You yes are 22 but have way more to live for and better people for you than ill ever be.. But dam if i didnt feel like i deserved you.. Happiness with you.. Youre all i ever wanted and will never have.. I trust no one now. I just want everyone to shut the fuck up... Rip their throats out everytime their mouths open and sound is made. Flatlining has taken root.. Ill miss the parts of me dying with my best lifelong friend and moarning you.