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leefi · 9 months

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The Flower That Bloomed Nowhere Read-through | Part 6: 81-90

Using the Power, it was possible to create structures at obscene scales that never would have been feasible with manual or even mechanized labor, and examples of this could be found in most modern cities. There was the Aetherbridge and the colossal towers of the inner city in Old Yru, but I'd also seen the great library of Tem-Aphat, intended to store all the knowledge of the world on parchment, which was 300 stories tall and had the proportions of a pyramid-- They had to pump air into the higher floors so it didn't become hard to breathe. And even in Oreskios, there were the Thyrian Shipyards, which extended almost a mile out into the ocean and even

oh my GAWDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! (takes off shirt that says I <3 BLACK HOLES to reveal a second one underneath that says I <3 MEGASTRUCTURES)

I glanced at her for a moment. Zeno really did seem utterly infatuated with my grandfather's work. It was making me increasingly curious about what exactly their relationship had been.

oooh she fucked that old man

didnt utsu also think that nef fucked that old man. everyone is fucking that old man

Seth made a skeptical look. "I didn't wanna say this back when we came down here the last time, but I don't think I quite get what makes it that big a deal. I mean, if you need all of this - this much space, this much energy, just to make one person physically young - isn't it just a safer version of cloning someone a new body, and transplanting the brain?" He looked to Kam. "That technology has been coming along pretty well recently, hasn't it?"

SETH SWEEP. SO TRUE.

"Ptolema said the same thing earlier," I told him.

"She did?" He hummed worriedly. "Maybe I should think it over again."

you are all so mean to her and you dont respect her and you

to be honest? to be honest. i think ptolema has good intuition and has probably been correct about a few things so far (ESPECIALLY observational things) and you bitchless losers are too far up your own asses to see it. and you all HATE WOMEN

This dialing back the clock on the world stuff Zeno is talking about is juicy. I want to see the Flower cast play Outer Wilds

Is Zeno even sure that time before the collapse as they currently understand it even exists? Is she even awares of how hard the (redacted) worked to (redacted) the (redacted) only to (redacted) a measly (redacted) (redacted)? play outer wilds

I’ve been waiting for a good opportunity to talk about this but I share sooo many of Kam’s thoughts on death and agree that every human life lost is an unfathomable tragedy. But I just hate how irresponsibly she seems to approach it especially with her complete lack of respect towards others' own autonomy to do what they wish with their lives and bodies. I hate prescriptiveness!!! Your ideal is not everyone else's!!!! i suppose that makes her a visionary but i don't care. kam the utter faith you hold in human technological advancement and evolution absent the fear of death is the same strength of faith that people draw from other sources. how dare you ridicule that, even if it seems stupid to you!!!!!

I personally believe that everything ultimately repeats -- or rather, every iteration of something will eventually play out, and things will keep happening over and over and over again. To be honest, it’s not a healthy belief system to hold. But I don’t really hold out hope for an infinite afterlife either. I guess I hope for it? But also how could we as finite beings ever unite with the concept of infinity? We would have to transform into something completely unrecognizable from what we are now to be able to do that. In any circumstance we eventually have to shed what we believe is integral to our senses of self. This is unavoidable no matter what we do, whether that's live forever or die somewhere else or crunch with the universe and reform exactly as ourselves, maybe slightly differently, maybe slightly worse, maybe sometimes we won't even exist at all. But it goes on forever, so does it really matter? In any case, the ephemerality of selfhood is a tragedy inherent to existing, and I don’t know how to reconcile it in my mind. All I know is that I really hate lasts, but I hate the idea of no new beginnings even more.

ohhhhhh the ransu and the cyclical nature of the narrative ohhhh the aftermath of the suicide attempt ohhhh. I think that suicide attempt really hit Ran with the gravity of what she’s been doing to Su's mental state. She also never answered what she and shiko were to each other…

HAMILCAR BLASTING OFF NUKES IN THE BASEMENT IS MAKING ME LOSE ITJSIDUDHHDDHHDHS

it seems a little redundant to have brought some of the students down in retrospect…could that have been intentionally set up?

"Hammy decided he wanted us well done," Fang explained. "Melted this whole weird place, but it looks like you hit the thingy in time." They furrowed their brow. "Is it weird that I always wanna give people cute nicknames right when they're trying to murder me?"

SO TRUEEEEEE JIA FANGGGGG!!!!! LET'S HOLD HANDS AND SKIP

kam is SOOOO funny in life or death situations. she should be put in them more often

The Fang/Kam beef being mutual is hysterical to me. I thought the contempt would be one-sided from Kam but some of these quips from Fang seem VERY pointed. That administrator comment hurt MY feelings

Lowkey this kids book about the fused people sounds like something in Plato’s Symposium — lovers used to be one person and then were separated by the gods for their hubris or some stupid shit, doomed to spend their lives trying to find their other half again. anyway look at this

Ohhh im at an index/glossary. Ok a few things here

Collapse: Shorthand for 'false vacuum collapse', a phenomenon of astrophysics where a lower minimum of energy in the vacuum is suddenly achieved, causing destabilization at a subatomic level which spreads at the speed of light until equilibrium is once again reached. Sometimes called 'decay' instead. Such an event was largely responsible for ending the Imperial Era and almost destroying human civilization, though there were also socioeconomic factors which radically impeded the response.

WHEEEEEEEE I KNEW IT. THE INHERENT HORROR OF COSMOLOGICAL PHYSICS SWEEP. It’s connected to entropy btw! I typed out a whole explanation then spared you of it :)

Also that last line? Those refuged in the tower of asphodel were only ones with the means? the rest of humanity (assuming an interstellar civilization/species, a population potentially numbering into the trillions) just dissolved with the old universe? Oh my god…

Uana immediately caught my attention as the only place that hasn’t banned egomancy. The description of their world is sooooo cool too. can we vacation there

so it’s the pneuma that makes the act of cloning so tricky?? that makes sense. Research surrounding it seems limited too considering pneumancy is banned. Never mind that the brain is such a sophisticated organ to begin with. as they say so much of engineering is merely a cheap imitation of mother natures beautiful gifts (read: refinement on scales of time that will be inaccessible to humans, assuming consistently positive progression of technological advancement, for a long time)

refractor rifles are soooo coollll kudos to Lurinas genius mind for those

Tower of Asphodel: The structure created by the Ironworkers at the end of the Imperial Era to provide refuge to those who could obtain it, and later to act as a foundation for the planes they would create. It is visible in the sky at all times, though it exists only partially as a physical object.

aawwwwwwwuuuu?? why did i think she was ten googolion miles away

Ok character info time!!

Oh my gawddddd i share a blood type with Su! ^_^ come here and touch your open wound to mine

Oh my gawddddd Theo too! ^_^ (doesn’t extend the invite again) whats with the ??? in his description btw. theo chan

HIS LOW CARB DIENTJDJUDDUDUDHDH

ugh resistances were explained earlier but I forget what they mean

teehee. kam is 5’3”

“extra meat, please” ema im gonna go to so so many steakhouses with you and keep you alive forever

Seth is gonna die to his tree nut allergy 😭😭😭😭😭 no 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

OPHELIA BLOOD TYPE N/A? N/A???????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN N/A. maybe it’s a religious thing. or bc she’s from a lower plane? is their biology different there?

Ummm but her second pea in the pod’s IS specified at B+? Do they share it across seeds? Why are they collecting blood type info anyway. for the beast?

god it is still so weird that they share a seed. what are the odds. where are the odds. why are the odds

interesting that both the rhunbards have vegetarian-based diets? Wonder if it’s a regional thing

mashallah playboy bardi didnt drink. also forget what I said about the vegetarian diet he just broke the trend

Fang and Ran went to the same university at some point? Saoyu university?

FANG NO CULINARY NOTES!!! I WILL GO TO SO MANY RESTAURANTS WITH YOU AND KEEP YOU ALIVE FOREVER

why is Zeno as a man 6’1. That doesn’t really make sense to me. 5’4 as a GIRL checks out though

Bals culinary note saying no breakfast required confirms to me that he’s a little freak. Even more than the wearing sunglasses indoors. What was that about by the way

Bal has NO QUALIFICATIONS. asked to READ MAGAZINES

these culinary notes are making me crave ‏شوربة عدس. because half of these ppl are old and can’t chew their food

is nobody here a universal donor. that’s so sad (double checks) she’s dead

Oh Ran just confirmed the Plato children’s book thing from earlier!! All of the epic of gilgamesh shit is soaring over my head which is embarrassing because I’m literally Iraqi but I’m glad I caught this one.

I blinked. "It's from mythology?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Or at least, it's the only place I've seen something like this depicted before - a person with double limbs and two heads, I mean." She continued flipping through it as she spoke to me. "It's an Inotian story from late in the Old Kingdoms Era. It goes that originally, there weren't men and women, but just one unified type of human being that were immortal and didn't need to to reproduce. The specifics of it are kinda a mix. Sometimes they were shapeshifters, sometimes-- Well, more like it's depicted here." She gestured to the illustration. "In this version, the king of the gods was afraid of this version of humanity, so he used lightning to split them down the middle. And so everyone spends their life in search of their other half, so they can be complete again."

"Huh," I said. "That's... Conceptually romantic, I guess."

I didn't actually think it was romantic. It just seemed weird.

Yeah it’s a bit weird innit. Anyway can you come and touch your open wound to mine

I wonder if the kid’s book was trying to sell the merger of pneumas as a good thing — two “half people” becoming whole

also realizing the adventure time clip didn’t really make sense without more context. here’s the first page of the passage from my copy of symposium feat. annotations from 18 yo hana

Linos nodded. "We've taken all due precautions. Anna has the lower floor warded, and I've set the defenses in here," he pointed to the refractor rifles mounted on the ceiling which I noted the previous day, "to fire disabling shots should anyone draw a weapon."

is he stupid

Right now su is going on a philosophical walk of what defines a person and I just wanna say I really love what Lurina did with the idea of the pneuma. I always thought of the idea of transferring a consciousness as a kind of nebulous thing that is never truly successful (due to a full lack of understanding of the human brain, the true result is more like a glorified cloning) but having a physical portion of the brain connect to a metaphysical aspect of the self that exists outside the body is soooo clever and sells it for me in a way that nothing else ever has. I almost want it to be real lmao

I would actually read 1k pages of just kam and zeno beefing they’re SO funny. The beginning of chapter 86 has me cryingggg

“Linos bit his tongue. "That's obviously the impression the culprit... Well, Hamilcar, knowing what we do now... Intended to create, but it seemed fruitless to alarm anyone further at the time." He looked between our various faces. "Obviously, there wouldn't be any beasts, 'divine' or not, down there. Just a lot of cement, and a much thicker metal hatch at the terminus.”

BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS BEASTS

“Ran continued to navigate the golem along its route. The elevator in the research tower wouldn't descend without a human present, so she was forced to have it climb the glass on the exterior wall, which felt like it took a excruciatingly long amount of time, though it was probably only five or so minutes. Eventually, it made it to the floor on which Balthazar had been left behind.

I noticed Fang's attention had perked up significantly.”

I KNEWWWWW IT WAS WEIRD HOW THEY KNEW SO MUCH ABOUT HIM!!! also me whenever bal is mentioned

but how do they know about bal???? how??? they never should have been able to meet him! unless they have loop memories, or they arrived at the sanctuary before we think...but why!!!! why would they conceal something like that!!!

“Ran held my hand tightly, which was good, because it otherwise might've slipped. I stared at the floor, my eyes out of focus.”

RAN IS SOOOO SWEET HOLDING HER HAND (they're all holding hands because of the spell) and Awwwwuuuuuu....Samium deceasaed...why did he refuse treatment. So that the beast could get him?

Ohhhh Susuuuuu….this chapter is so hard to read

““Like, if you break it down," they went on, "it kinda seems like there's been three, right? Putting aside Vijana, who died way earlier, there's been the big spectacle crimes that are obviously meant to come across as supernatural - with Durvasa and Bardiya, I mean - and then two where it comes across more like they were just killed in a totally mundane way... And then what happened with Saci and Yantho, which is somewhere in-between.””

“Not exactly a vast swathe of evidence to assume a pattern from," Kam said flatly. "One could just easily conclude that the killers are simply playing it by ear."

"I mean, yeah, I guess?" Fang fiddled with their bangs, thinking. "But to turn it around, why would you go to so much effort to keep up a narrative for most of the deaths, only to turn around and not bother with two of them at all? It feels like it makes the whole concept pointless."

YES!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I had a theory about that, actually," Kamrusepa chimed up. "Yantho's death, I mean to say. Is it possible that he was some manner of imposter-- Or rather, that his body was being controlled remotely in the same manner as the professor does with his?”

I WASN’T EXPECTING TO AGREE WITH KAM TOO BUT YES!!!!!!!!!

“It's not just that." He held his arms together, looking towards the ground. "Back when we were in the guest house, when I was in that room with Bardiya..." He swallowed. "I didn't want to say it back then, since I was sure it would, ah. Make people think I was even more suspicious. But... When it was happening, when he was being lifted into the air... I thought I saw something behind him. Dragging him up against the barrier."

"Why would you only mention this now?" Kam asked, her tone terse.

"Well-- Because it's impossible. There was no space for anything to be dragging him. It was like a ghost. It was there and it wasn't." He kept looking down, his knuckles tight. "I was sure it was just some trick of the light, since it was so dark. But back when I rushed out in the conference room, I thought I saw it again. In the corner. The same shape..."

"What shape?" Seth asked him.

"The same one you saw in the hall. Or in the story Saci told." He swallowed. "Like a cross between a winged creature, and... I don't know. Some sort of insect."

A bird and a spider.

Start of chapter 89 has more su backstory how funnnn! ^_^ *starts reading* oh no

are these shiko's memories...oh my godddd

wow. that was painful! :) that's so weird, experiencing two memories at once? i can't wrap my brain around it. but god...

#tftbn

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wolfboyvirus · 4 years

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How well Arcana characters can read/write

(Im bored as shit yall)

Nadia:

The best reader and writer in all of vesuvia, can read the longest word to ever exist without hesitation and writes in the smoothest cursive youve ever seen. Sometimes she writes things on your skin like "my love" or something while yall r cuddling and if it was a normal person it would be great but all the swirls and curves just send you to heaven its fucking therapeutic. And, i forgot to mention she can read and write in like 3 other, way more complicated languages, and normally she isnt the type to brag but that is a serious achievement right there so how is she not gonna be like "oh of course i understand [insert language]. I can write in it too. Its rather easy, if im being honest." (insert smug smile)

Julian:

Is average at reading, nothing too special, but he's canonically the shittiest writer to ever exist. One time someone actually mistook it for genuine chicken scratch. Tbh he only learned to read and write because he needed it so he could do doctor-y things. However, he's fully aware that his writing is shitty so if you ever offer him any tips ("hey maybe make your o's by drawing a circle instead of a sloppy infinity sign") he will definitely take them.

Asra:

Before your death he couldn't really read or write at all but when he realized you had to relearn everything he learned all the shit so he could teach you. So now he's actually pretty good at it. Just a little under Nadia's skill level when it comes to reading, and his writing is just good enough to be actually readable (for you at least (he doesnt give a shit whether or not others can read his writing he just needs to make sure you understand it))

Portia:

She only just barely started learning a while back, so she's at the level of a 4th or 5th grader rn, but with time she's able to read literally anything. Unfortunately bad handwriting seems to run in the family since she's almost as bad as Julian. She's trying, just make sure to remind her that she should make a line straighter or a curve curvier every now and then and she'll be just fine. Also has a little trapdoor in her cottage leading to a little basement with a ton of books and paper she's dedicated specifically to her studies and there are cushions everywhere with patterned letters printed on them.

Muriel:

Actually can't read or write at all. Completely illiterate. He grew up homeless so he didn't really have anyone to teach him (except Asra but he didn't know either), and even after he ran away from the coliseum he didnt really need to learn. But, at a certain point you send him a cute love letter while ur traveling somewhere and he's like "wait i want to know what this says" so he learns the entire alphebet and like 37 words until you come back a week later and help him out. The only problem is that he has no concept of spacing or writing small so he can write "i lov yu" and it would take up the entire page. And the worst thing is that he finds he actually kind of likes writing and wants to keep a diary so he had an entire box of books full of writing thats slowly getting smaller and smaller and its actually a great way to track his progress but the amount of money you've spent on paper makes you wanna die. But it makes Muriel happy so who cares about bankruptcy right

Lucio:

He's barely any better than Muriel tbh. He sees you reading a book one day and he asks what its about (he doesnt like books but if ur interested in it then its probably good) and ur so focused on the story that you just show him the cover so you can keep reading and he's just like "...i cant fucking read that lmao" and you have to teach him because he starts to feel left out/insecure. He grew up in a tribe surrounded by violence and didnt really need to read and write to be a good mercenary so he had no incentive to learn. He only knows a few words because even though he usually got others to do work for him he did have to handle certain responsibilities as the Count of Vesuvia. So like he knows how to sign his name and initals and thats it. He really really wants to learn cursive like Nadia because it looks fancy but you actually dont know cursive so he needs to settle for normal writing like everyone else oof. He still prefers picture-based books but now he can enjoy that awesome novel u were reading :D

#the arcana #headcanons #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #portia devorak #asra alzanar #count lucio #muriel #nobody asked for this but #like i said i was bored as shit #also these headcanons don't take the heart hunter post cards into account so keep that in mind

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duvgaleni · 3 years

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Ok first off I am SO sorry I have taken so long to get to this ask I had no energy between work and school. That said here comes the GN review. So I did not expect Elvis to vibe with me musically the way it did. If I have to pick a fave off the album it has to be Molly with Control coming in at a close second. I can't explain it but Molly really has unique designs on me. I really love the sound and style of music for this rec. Once again you deliver top shelf goods.

Side note: I took that quiz you reblogged even though I've never heard of the vorkosigan saga in my life and I got someone named Bel Thorne. Made me look up the series, which made me realize that I very much want this in my life, and now I'm wondering if you'd advise me as to which book I should start with? I asked the internet and got huge charts.

Eagerly awaiting your next recs,

MAB

P.S. thinking about making rugelach on a weekend off. Thoughts/advice?

Hey hi! So glad to hear from you! I was just thinking the other day “I miss MAB :(” but I didn’t want to rush you lol, I’ve also been super low energy lately so you’re in good company! As always, I’m so glad you liked it, this has been one of my really pandemic-defining albums, I’ve spent a truly Shocking amount of time sitting on the floor listening to this and painting since I discovered it maybe 10 months ago? I also didn’t really expect to vibe with it, I was off the indie-country-stylings train and the vocals threw me at first but it kinda got its hooks into me and i found myself just thinking about it all the time, and i listened and relistened and found more and more complex little bits and beautiful lyrics and realized it had wormed its way into my faves on accident, so good for it. Control’s also one of my real faves, the whole front half of this album is SO strong, Westside and Crying About The Planets took a minute for me to warm up to but are really some of my faves on the album now. I’m glad it spoke to you as much as it spoke to me!

ok SO let’s talk about the Vorkosigan Saga. These books are my favorite anything in the whole world, they’re my parents favorite books too so I really grew up with them, I’ve loved them all my life even when I was way too young to understand a lot of the concepts (I tried to read this Really Heavy one all about clones when i was V young and I didn’t know what a clone was, I thought it was just a fucked up baby brother, i was more right than I realized, so i put it down and Thank Fuck for that) and you should ABSOLUTELY read them. Bel Thorne was the first nonbinary character I ever saw (even though they are NOT handled well, these books show their age on a lot of lgbt stuff so heads up) and they’re so goddamn cool, they’re whip-smart and chock full of heart and they captain a space ship and I could go on Forever, I just named my new podcast character after them and I’m just thrilled about it. So as far as order goes, I Highly recommend starting with Cordelia’s Honor, which is a collection of the books Shards of Honor and Barrayar, which are prequels about the parents of the main characters of the main series. The main series starts with some truly superb fun manic semi-political space opera, but it’s really aged for the protagonist Miles, who’s 17 at the time. Cordelia’s Honor gives you a really great background on the universe you’re in, shows you Exactly how Miles got to be The Way That He Is, is the best god damn enemies-to-lovers you’ll ever find, CHUGS its respect women juice, is also fun but definitely heavier in tone than the main series begins. It’s really beautiful, very very human, and just SMART. Heads up, those books have some heavily implied sexual assault, suicide stuff, uhhhh Weird Mental Illness, and Weird Homophobia (though it’s portrayed to be in the wrong, again these books are very much a product of their time.) But they follow Miles’ parents, Cordelia Naismith and Aral Vorkosigan as they meet, fall in love on opposite sides of a war, eventually get married, and get sucked into some truly wild and Really Really Cool politics, and i Highly recommend you start there. Past that, my recommended reading order is pretty much chronological, you should get to Falling Free and Ethan of Athos at some point but like Shards of Honor - Barrayar - Warriors Apprentice - Vor Game - Cetaganda - Borders Of Infinity - Brothers In Arms - Mirror Dance - Memory - Komarr - Civil Campaign - Diplomatic Immunity - Captain Vorpatril’s Alliance - Cryoburn - Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen (bolded books are my personal favorites) is really the way to go. I know that’s an awful lot, but they’re really fast reads and they’re So Goddamn Good And Fun And Good, if you start them PLEASE let me know your thots as you read

Hoo ok that was a lot, thank you for bearing with me! My biggest advice re. rugelach is just have fun and be yourself with it, do whatever filling you want, pour love into the dough and you’ll have a good time. Sorry that’s not more technical, but if ur using the recipe i sent you (and i can post it again if u dont want to hunt for it) then honestly i think it’s gonna be fab no matter what (and honestly even if you dont do a super bindy filling and your jam leaks out and burns Who Give A Shit, burnt chocolate w raspberry or cherry jam is still pretty damn good), if you enjoy the process then that’s what matters!

#anon anon #that was SO long im SO sorry the vorkosigan saga is smth i can talk about Incessantly #long post for ts #any gr8 to hear from you!!#illogical//

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nahalism · 4 years

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Pls do share

well.. i was doing a breathing/grounding meditation in the park and began to experience having multiple bodies. (an energetic body, mental body, emotional body, pain body, sound/vibrational body, light body [even a ‘colour body’ that isnt limited to one colour, but does vary in colour according to the person and emotional state] ect).

being that i could see myself existing beyond the parameters of my physical body, (liquid, organs, skin have restrictions that light and sound dont), i began to see if i could gauge where i started, where i stopped, and if i could still experience things that were beyond the periphery of my body and my senses. i had already read a lot of books, particularly Drunvalo Melchizedek’s the flower of life and Masuru Emoto’s the miracles of water, so i understood the basis of vibrational frequencies, and thus how my own vibrational frequency was not only regulating my body, but as depicted by the merkaba/tetrahedron often used in esoteric teaching, was being projected beyond my body and consequently impacting all that surrounded me whether i was aware or not.

[although this isnt directly related, it happened and i find it interesting so ill proceed to include it]. i settled on the feeling that there was no ‘end’ point to which i felt i could project myself. and because of that i began to think about urban planning. the proximity of houses and apartments in cities, how close we sit, stand and work to each other, the construction of our undergrounds/metro’s and most congested areas. i thought about the idea of none of us ‘beginning’ or ‘ending’ in any specific place, the possibility that we may all just be individualised/localised experiences of the same thing living in an amniotic sac that we call the world, a world that is fundamentally made of the same energy as us. and that if that were the case, how little truly separates us. and that if so little separates us then just how contagious thoughts, emotions, and a persons ‘way of being’ might really be. then i thought about why the most expensive communities are less densely populated, filled with detached houses, have less wifi.. why people with similar income brackets, daily practices, and mental attitudes choose to preserve these communities with such urgency and legislations as they do. then i continued thinking about the impact that environment can have on someone and how what one is consistently exposed to impacts their spiritual, mental and emotional evolution. i then began to acknowledge how ignorantly i conduct my own self when i walk clumsily on the ground or forget to look at the sky above me, because in doing so i realised i was neglecting two entirely separate realms of reality, and by doing that id neglected to consider the impact i was having on the life forms that inhabited those spaces. i started to think about how if a thought or a word can alter the molecular structure of water, what was there that i or other humans could do to reverse the damage being done to the earth: the geopathic stress that runs underground, or even the displacement happening to the earths techonic plates. that went on for a while then i spent some time taking in the people in the park. watching their demeanours, seeing if i could ‘feel’ them despite their distance from me.

this all got a little claustrophobic so i decided to breathe through the experience with my eyes closed, and as i did, i saw two movements in my minds eye. [1] light being used to draw an infinity sign in darkness. the motion was continuous. and [2] the second (which is unexplainable) but resembled a motion similar to a bowl of water continuously spilling over, each time re-absorbing the fallen water from underneath. almost like a continual feeling of sucking something up and pouring it back out.

[1] the first image that arose felt like the vertical motion of breath and the sense of continuity i felt whilst breathing. though i could easily distinguish the act of breathing in or out, breathing itself could not as easily be divided into parts. neither breathing in or breathing out could be said to be start or end of of breathing. similarly, despite the presence or negation of air in my lungs, the ebb and flow was consistently interrupted by a median in which there was both presence and absence. everything was woven together, in order to breathe new air, old had to be removed. in order to remove that air, new air had to be breathed. both processes were inextricable.

[2] the second image felt more lateral in motion, as though i were a nucleus and waves were both emanating from me and being drawn to me. at this stage i was in flow from the vertical breathing (finding expansion in the body with each breath in and ease in the body with each breath out), and as this progressed lots of feelings that made sense but lacked chronology & are hard to articulate flooded in (so excuse if this gets confusing). the small motions of up and down changed to a cycle/continuous stream, of up, out, over, in 🔁. [energy spurting out the head, throat, hands, chest, and stomach, washing out and over beyond my physical self, then coming back in as if drawn by a magnet, and up through the feet and through the sit bones]. as i continued to watch this happen the energy began to feel denser and more potent. and so i imagined pushing/propelling it further out beyond me, projecting it at the world, plants, people ect. and so as i continued to watch this happen i realised that which i was receiving could only be that which was a match to what id sent out. moreover, focusing on asserting the energy didnt stop me receiving the energy that came back & vise versa. the two were different processes, and each process could be focused on individually without its counterpart, but when i breathed with mindfulness of the two the energy grew more potent. [legit, the only thing i can liken this ‘energy’ too is the depiction of nen in hunter x hunter]. and as this was happening i remembered what i had learned about polarity [yin/yang, masculine/feminine energy, the upward facing tetrahedron/the downward facing tetrahedron], and adopted an electro-magnetic view of the situation. our ‘upward facing’ tetrahedron (representative of electric force, order, structure, assertion, reason, logic and masculinity) can be likened to the upward and outward projection of energy. similarly the ‘downward facing’ tetrahedron (which is is symbolised by magnetism and governs chaos, pleasure, creativity, sensuality, carnal instinct, receptivity and femininity) can be likened to the force that pulls the energy down from over and back in.

im not sure the correlation between what i observed that day and what i answered in the ask earlier is clear, but that is the resource i drew on to help me articulate my view. a lot of teachers and businessmen in the business of self empowerment do speak about transmuting sexual energy to creative energy (napoleon hills a good one) but i think when getting into these matters its good to understand the science/the alchemy. for example, this principle taught me a lot of things; how much power one conscious, self aware individual harbours. humanities true capacity to raise not only their own spirits, but the collective spirit of all they encounter. ectect. but looking at it under the lens of manifestation showed me how understanding the individualised polarities (especially that despite differences all things are fundamentally the same) and learning to balance them, is whats key to not only developing the lives we want, but fundamental to being able to maintain them. moreover understanding of the fundamental principles teaches the individual particular guidelines that are key to knowing how to bring precisely what they want, and not what we think they want, into being. funnily whilst imbalanced application of the two leads to .. imbalance.. lol, the imbalance if questioned shows itself to be perfectly balanced. e.g if one confronts the chaos that emerges in their material world, they’ll likely find the root issue to be a matter of the mind. similarly, having a structured plan and logical path to attain ones goal means nothing without the emotional intelligence necessary to enjoy the plan once come to fruition.

anyway. moral of the story is that books are great and they often provide sound information by teaching terminology and introducing concepts but, experience is the best teacher. understanding and consolidating the information we learn so that it becomes knowledge upon which we may build wisdom, is a process that occurs within the individual. so dont worry bout the books, if you are curious knowledge will find you. in the meantime, go and live

#ask

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jonathankatwhatever · 4 years

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Just some ramblings to get a few things straighter in my head.

When 1989 came out, I skimmed through it. There’s a high end sheen to it that bothered me, a sort of relentless energy that wore on me a bit. I now consider it one of the masterpieces of recorded music. I compare it to A Hard Days Night, which captured the high point of The Beatles’ early career. And each record has the standout of its type: the ultimate swing song Cant Buy Me Love and the ultimate pop successor Shake It Off. The musical confidence. The carefulness. I heard Michael Tilson-Thomas describe how he uses James Brown as the essence of playing exactly together: when I say now, it’s already too late because you should have been there with me as I’m saying now. 1989 is a whole lot of that kind of now. That degree of exactness often kills energy because it makes the surface shimmer, and that dilutes the propulsive effect. I’m comfortable saying 1989 achieves very high level energy with very high level exactness, which is very difficult. It sparkles and moves, and it does that entirely from within its maker; The Beatles cant be heard without the energy of the 1960’s but there’s nothing comparable about the mid-2010’s.

And the things that used to bother me now dont. The he’s so fine cheer part in Shake It Off used to interrupt the flow of the energy. I could see that is exactly how girls are, but it took me a while to see that this is a form of shared intimacy that girls experience more than boys, and that this carries through to how girls see sex and intimacy versus how boys see it. And that led me to think about how a boy would fill that space with a guitar solo or the like, but an ultimate act of girlness would be to take that space and share it. That it works so well across the share dimensions, like in performance and emulation, comes out of the truth in that sharing, which is about as female as it gets.

So to me, hearing The Cars Shake It Up was like someone older who’d grown up with Count Basie hearing Cant Buy Me Love. The old ideas are updated and taken to their musical limits. That follows the rule: what seems fast becomes slow over time.

I need to get in the shower.

I’m trying to get out some words about infinities. Very hard conceptual work. It has required identifying a label, a face, a person, a body that is and was on the other side of conversations and experiences that date back to childhood and adolescence, both of which I define broadly. This can occur because the memory labels exist on my side but the actual memories have been relatively and thus largely disconected, and thus an attachment on the other side of the memory brings them forward. I want to think about the meaning of the word ‘forward’ there.

It’s been an interesting journey: to understand how one fits within one’s self, and how one connects to one within one’s self.

I liked going to the movies alone, because I was never alone. When asked, I’d say there are 3: me, myself, and I. I havent thought about that for a long time. What did I mean? I think it may be: there’s me, points at self, acknowledges this is the state of me, and there’s myself, which is the self behind and within whatever conception of me one identifies, and then there’s I, which is the statement of me myself doing, perceiving, reacting, speaking. This forms a triangular and makes the 1-3 function. The triangular is shell oriented statements (polarized to or from), interior oriented (same polarization to or from), and motivation or connection of these states over processing time, which is the issue of the last week or so.

That’s a good place to stop.

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quaest · 7 years

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the action of becoming resolute

from the people who have melted wax on the tips of their fingers to the people who dont: you will never understand the idea of wind cutting through you like a knife until you're walking the dog in early january... the beginning of continuance, the time of the year when you look in the mirror and find yourself filled with the thought of cutting off all your hair and throwing it into the ocean - of bitten nails and journals and the concept of devotion drifting around in your mind are pockets of oil in water; like egg yolk there is maybe life in your head maybe love maybe meaning in the widening spaces between your teeth that came back when you stopped wearing your retainer, spaces that hold infinity in their essence and darkness and strange sense of acceptance it's never easy to learn to live years later you still find that your lungs forget to breathe and your hands reach for things no longer there - you'll learn that "lost" does not always mean "forgotten" beacuse there are certain things that draw into themselves like your pathetic frame in the cold working so hard to warm the entire world but failing because of the thinness of your sweater perhaps warmth is something learned and maybe the difference between you and i has less to do with timing and facts and family and more the length of early january when we all decide whether time will stand still and wait for us to find our peace or march on, as though nothing ever happened.

#poetry #poem #spilled ink #writing #poets on tumblr #literature #prose #new years #original #original poetry #resolution #the action of becoming resolute

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hannamarni · 7 years

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A master plant diary at Jardin de la paz, december 2017. After ceremony number two, part one. I'll tell the story just as it unfolded. So we were lying on a madrass each, placed next to eachother by a metre and half in a ring, close to the big maloka walls. It was pitch black except the candles burning in the middle. The huge crystals and marble decorations gleemed in the flickering light. It was rather mysterious. When it was my turn the head maestro, or the curandero, called me forward. I stood up on shaky legs and sat down infront of this calming man. He pours ed the wooden cup, blew the mapacho smoke over it and handed it back to me; after blowing smoke over my palms too. I thanked him humbly and arose; headed back to me nights safe haven that was the madress. Feeling safe is key, so after drinking the foul cup of the green liquid tasting of burned grass and almond, I placed a little buddah, a small crystal and my flashlight at the foot end of my madrass. I puffed my pillow, pulled the blanket over my legs and placed my puke bucket close. I let my eyelids become heavy and I sank into a calming meditation meant for balancing the two opposites- the yin and yang. The feminine and the masculine. The Ida and Pingala. The right and left. The warm and the cold. I called forth happy memories of loved ones. Memories of friendship, of growth. Of spring flowers and fall leaves. Of laughter and sunlight. I fell deeply into the meditation and watched the movie as it unfolded. The session started with me thinking I had fallen asleep, or an awake dream. My tongue first melted away into numbness and eventually disappeared. At the same time I got a different taste in my mouth, a hint of iron. I could feel a pull- like the bones were dragging the muscles closer to it's white surface- telling me to relax. (and by "telling" I mean a diffuse feeling, not of my choosing). Step by step, I sank deeper into relaxation and the visions started to appear. At first, they looked like normal thoughts, but eventually grew into somewhat complex patterns of fading colors and warping forms. The sense of having a body started to become diffuse, and not one of the maestros had started to hum. I felt a bit lost in the visions without them and truly longed for an anchoring icaros. Then suddenly I woke up to not feeling anything at all. I started to wonder if that was it? Had I been struggling? Was she disapointed with me? I knew from ceremony number one that I was to be calm, and trusting; that she was going to show me great things this time. I was a little startled but decided to follow the minutes as they crawled further into the future. I thought to myself- "through any physical discomfort". What ever she'll do- I'll be ready. And then, the head maestro started to hum... It all went back to the beginning. The "dream" started over once more exactly as it had happened - only this time it was enhanced by a great number. The iron taste burned in my mouth. My tongue went completely numb and the pull was even stronger. My nervous system was torn apart like halloween spider web, setting of tiny explosions in my limbs. I started to feel fear, but what was I afraid of? I understood that the dream she had taken me to earlier was only to prepare me for this. A vision of a glass marble came to me, it was of pure light and it sunk down into my chest at the beginning of my ribcage. It shone of white and yellow, and with it arose a song from underneath me - floating from a space down under; "I know where I keep my light". I understood something - as if it was a realization of mine - that these things was a gift from mother ayahuasca to use when I needed help. As I came back from the visions it all grew even more intense. As I relaxed deeper and deeper, I lost the connection with my body, and I sank deeper into the abstract world of none atomic constellation. A place where the physical body - the constellation of atoms cannot follow. And I suddenly said stop. It happened a little too sudden. I had to think. (be mindful of the thought telling you that you understand. Because honestly, you dont if you have not experienced this. Image you relaxing to the extent of total surrender. You KNOW you have a body because you have memories of it - but here, you are no longer convinced of those memories because the feeling of a body is so entirely erased from your senses). A voice erupted from somewhere unknown saying "You have to be willing to endure what I give you, to see what I'll show you". And I remembered my mantra, 'through any physical discomfort'. So I sang the song and sank deeper than ever before into the bodyless spatial space of only mind and abstract thought. (abstract thought is a place in your brainmind which holds no boundaries). My muscles started to go from discomfort to actually hurting. I thought "If torture is this, I'm experiencing it". My insides started to twist, turn and pull apart. My brainmind went all over the place inside this formless state.(if you have ever come across the saying "I'm giving up personhood to become a fulltime abstract concept" this is what I imagine it to be). I was worried since before that I would forget to breath and pass out, and this kept me from letting go entirely. But I started to trust my breath being autonomic, so I let it go. And from here, it grew worse and worse. Some of you may have started to wonder "but... she said in the beginning she coulnd't feel her body? How can she know its hurting?" well.. that's where the next part becomes relevant. Imagine you're on a never ending stretch bench with a body made for not breaking apart. It stretches and stretches into infinity - but the FEELING of having your limbs pulled is ALWAYS there. Try to pull your finger really hard until you can't stand it anymore. See what I mean? I kept on singing through the pain and repeating my mantra to not loose myself in it. I was eager to learn what she had planned. The visions grew from soft shapeshifting forms of different colors, to huge pillars of nervoussystemlooking patterns. And over and over for what felt like a lifetime they shifted. Warped from pillars to circles, to leaves, to squares. From yellow to orange - never stopping, always fixed. As they moved, so did the cramps in my intestines. Everything hurted as if someone was squeezing them between walls. It had started to become even more overwhelming than before. Now I could feel every nerv in my body. As I moved my hand I could focus on all of the tiny explosions happening im my tiny little teeny weeny nervs and how they would pull and stretch for my fingers to move. (A little like eating that popping candy powder from our childhood. And you really have to remember to not get lost in the infinity of the structure in your own hand. Believe me, fractals do exist). The electric pulses exploding through my system was all over in my limbs. She started to tear it even further apart- setting of greater explosions of nervquenches all over. My voice inside my head kept screaming "Why are you doing this!? For what purpuse is THIS PAIN GOOD?!". My head started pounding and loud signals was ringing in my ears. Like drawing a bass string from one ear to the other through your brain and slapping the deepest chords you know, but at the same time hearing a constant high pitch frequency noise. I kept my song and mantra really close and called on the little glass marble to stay calm. It all reached a peak and that's when she showed me.

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rhinointherain · 4 years

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5-8-2020

Every coherent though is a chain of smaller thoughts Every (thought) is a combination of (feelings that you sense) Every (feeling that you sense) is an (amount of heat in a neuron) every (amount of heat in a neuron (degrees)) is a total sum of energy every total sum of energy is a neuron firing or not firing every neuron firing or not firing is the signal cells being released from the last neuron or not etc etc

Its all either off or on, one or zero, and the derivatives of them. It goes into the FOURTH dimension, the x axis is length (or time, the units) the y axis is x width (2d space) the z axis is x, height (3d space) and the other axis is derivative of x (4d space)

Every thing is a spectrum of itself underneath the 1

Each (x derivative) is an (x), each (x) is an (intergral/anti-derivative) of (x double intiderivative) and so on

Many peoples third eyes open within their lifetime, but only a fewer amount of people actually have the means tools etc to communicative what they understand effectively with the world and possibly harness it for productivity, which is what makes the difference between one of the greatest humans in history and a weird junkie

Kinda impressed by the fact that even despite having no language like this whatsoever to communicate with junkies can find a way to express these things in a way that other people whove gone through it can somehow recognize it

Or maybe they dont recognize what im recognizing at all, they are just communicating other more sensory aspects of “it” (act of third eye being open) and the people whose third eyes actually opened recognize these aspects

I can do anything now if only i remember what this was/is like. I can succeed in any field because I understand how all of them work in principal. Or at least if i remember what i recognize now well enough and can decipher it with enough focus to find a coherent way to use it

Being smart is the ability to recall them more quickly or the ability to understand their connections with each other better or understand them on a “lower” level ( the integral of x, x being thought). Maybe there is no “third eye opening” but its just that you get down on a level few people ever do. But there is no bottom it is an infinity of x into itself, also known as x derivative of x over x intergral of x

Hang on im starting to think of aspects of this i dont understand. Like what are coderivatives or whatever you call them. I cant understand where they fit into this because i dont remember exactly what they are. And time and space being two different dimensions (x and y) or space (y) being the derivative of time (x) oh wait that is exactly what im trying to say, i feel like it could be easier if writing by hand bc i could draw actual derivative symbols instead of counting on words u can type to express what im trying to say

(Wrote this last but put it here bc of organization) Remember this to help you understand: it isnt a chain bc its not just a line its in multiple dimensions. I.E. space. But it is because neurons fire in a chain I.E. time. We can only measure one direction in time but three in space.

Ok this is gonna make me sound even crazier as if I wasnt sounding crazy already. But time travel is not “movement” (one point to another) in the fourth x dimension aka 4th derivative of x (which would be to us like a wormhole), it’s movement in derivative of y? I think y, maybe i have this wrong. Neurons are oriented in space time. The amount of energy they have in them, their location in space (x,y,z coordinates), their location in time (along the x dimension) are all ways to describe the “point” they occupy in all dimensions. (Is the space time continuum represented by the x times xyz space section of all dimensions?)

Time travel is not just derivative of x, which is moving forward aka to the future, but integral of x which is moving “backward” in time aka the past

So not only can you move “outside” i e 4th derivative of x aka the fourth dimension of space (i didnt finish this thought. earlier and am trying to remember deeply enough what it said. It looked like it was a summary of the main idea that not only “” , but also you can move y derivates .” So you actually have an infinite number of dimensions being the derivative of one another in an infinite number of directions)

When they said everythings a fractal that was real

Things go in every direction all at once. And all those things go in every direction of their direction, which is infinitely more times greater than the first “every direction all at once” (which was infinity). Do you understand?

Good god. How did they figure this out. Like when you see media depictions of being high like tool album covers and stuff they have all that fractal stuff and when a sci fi movie wants to convey something deep the zoom in on the molecules until it looks like the universe zoomed out. They understand at least some aspect of this idea.

If i actually wanted my realization to be a groundbreaking thing i would probably need to spend a lot of years trying to convince people i wasnt crazy and only if i eventually effectively communicate my ideas across and spend a lot of time and energy to would it actually later seem like i were a tragic genius rather than a crazy person. also id need to try to hold on how i felt like when i was high for so long it would have a chance of disrupting my mental health/ability to function in society (same thing obvs) and driving me toward like hard drugs and that would not be good

Its so hard to explain the fourth dimension like i really dont think i could try to draw a representation of it like some people do (those cube things, i cant remember what theyre called), my conception of it is a lot more mathematical and verbal. But i still am pretty certain I understand it whether un-high me believes me or not

When youre trying to think about this stuff and you look away at your environment and think about memories and do other complex things that require much deeper chains of neurological communications in order to process them, it becomes a lot harder to focus in on these ideas because the complex things require a much higher/broader/vaguer level of though (higher broader vaguer being words we can use to try to understand what it means to be on a “higher level” as in OUTSIDE OF, DERIVATIVE OF X, IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION etc, just as like (above) and (below) describe location along the z axis if you think of the xy plane aka z equals zero as the “ground” and above means positive z and below means negative z.)

Its going to be harder than i thought to communicate this when sober lol but its still nice i was able to experience it lol

Other things to mention 1. Up until this point (but not after), some pieces of text are out of order than they were written, usually the paragraphs were all written together though not always 2. I wasn’t hallucinating per se but I understand how they work now bc some of the things in the corners of my vision, where my eyes are giving less attention to their light receptors, I’m seeing things off from how they actually are: I turn toward them and perceive them normally but when I turn away and theyre in the corner of my vision i see the distortion again. Its not like scary hallucinations or anything like for example I perceived a giant black slab like in space odyssey in place of the dark doorway, or a wall where there wasnt one. Its because my brain was focusing/thinking in different ways than its used to and so its less sensitive to the type of information it usually takes in from its environment and its interpretations of it are less precise and thus not entirely “correct”. Its a really interesting way of thinking about what it is that you actually notice and perceive. Like the experiment where they switch out the person asking for directions and the majority of people dont actually notice its a difference person

Yeah ok i cant really write much more bc im significantly less high rn, I could sit here the whole rest of the time and try to make sure I understand all this well enough each time I get less high but I really don’t feel like doing that its like, drifting farther and farther away and taking more effort to really grasp it with each drift towards sobriety and while thinking about how I might not understand all this stuff soon I’m tired lol and I appreciate the experience. Anyway yeah

More things I was thinking in the shower: Everything is a direction? And so everything is a dimension? Not just in space or time, thats only one section of it which can be described by a “shape” with three dimensions in the space orientation and one in the time orientation. All categories are their own dimension. In any given moment you are at an intersection of a certain (point) on [the shape representing the space time continuum] and all the other infinities

Question. Does the idea of god fit into all of this. “Who is doing the moving”—that would be god? “What is “moving””, etc. ? If “everything” is all infinities of infinities and this goes on infinitely, there is no possible way to be “outside” that infinity. Therefore you cant possibly “move” it all bc movement requires a force, and that force cant come from “outside” of it so therefore it all “moves” itself? How accurate is the term “movement” to describe what i am referring to? Which is our existence. Aka where the space time continuum is oriented within the “everything”. And by extent, where we ourselves are oriented within the space time continuum. I feel like i could represent this well with a 3d image. We are each our own space time continuum? With all this being understood i believe there is no possible way for us as humans to answer the question of whether there is a god, or what god is. I could be wrong about this but I dont think I personally would be able to. Same with the question of free will. The two are definitely interrelated. I feel like the ideas ive been saying can provide a different framework for talking about questions like this about god and free will and stuff, but the new framework would have to be engaged with/understood more fully in order to get any answers significantly more substantial than what we as humans have already.

“Third eye opening” is what i refer to this experience as but thats just an expression. The eye opening metaphor doesnt hold up super well when i actually think about what i mean by it. What i mean is the moment that you started to understand existence {in a certain way}, more “deeply”/“outside of just perceiving the space time continuum. But i dont think it actually necessarily refers to a specific threshold thats being passed, i just feel like ive reached a level today that is noteworthy because of how much i am able to understand. {In a certain way} is purposefully vague because again im not really sure if there is a threshold for what that certain way actually is, or how you might determine it. Its more that i reached a significant level of understanding existence today. But when people talk about the “third eye being open”, and they actually mean it, this is definitely in the realm of what they mean. Out of all the people in the world who make claims about having their “third eye open”, probably not very many of them mean something similar as i do when I talk about my experience of the third eye being open.

I was thinking about some other stuff as i was lying in bed i didnt write it down unfortunately as i was thinking it but i think it was pretty much repetitions of earlier ideas but elaborated in slightly different ways. overall the final thought was that in sum here are was that i not only can finally conceive of the idea of the fourth (spatial) dimension properly, but i also finally understand that the spatial dimensions are only one tiny “branch” of the many infinities of dimensions that branch into infinitely more infinities of dimensions. I understand now what is meant by “space time continuum” in relation to “everything else”. Oh one other thought i do remember having is that human “religion” (we talked in one my classes how difficult that word is to define) has very little to do with the actual god questions, i.e. what god is and what movement is and how god “works”, but not absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s our (humans’) very very very imprecise way of trying to address these questions.

And one other final thing. My first instinct was to spend hours thinking about how to best and most precisely communicate my understanding so that other people (and sober me) can understand it. I don’t understand why thats what I immediately jumped to doing and still feel the urge to do, when I could much more easily have decided that I was content with just understanding it myself and spending the rest of life knowing that I now have this special knowledge. I always thought i saw knowledge for the sake of knowledge as the ultimate pursuit but I guess I also have the drive to apply it somehow. I wonder if this is true for everyone on some level or not. Oh yes I also had been thinking about how difficult human language is to express what I’m trying to say because its not really equipped for it. like i just want to put quotations around every single word because words are just approximations for the ideas they are trying to express even when talking about ideas that our language is actually designed to describe, not even to mention trying to talk about stuff that it isnt. math concepts (even the few that I actually know anything about) are super super helpful to me in trying to think about and communicate these ideas and now I completely understand what people mean when they say that math is our best bet for being able to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligent life seeing as we have no way of knowing how other beings might perceive information. Wait a minute. Whos even to say that even if our definition of “life” didnt ever evolve anywhere else in the universe, there couldn’t be something else that wasn’t “alive” by this strict definition but not exactly “not alive” either. Like it didnt have “cells” exactly like earth organisms but it was somehow distinct from “not alive” things just like earth organisms are. Like the same way that viruses are neither alive nor not alive.

That article i had to read in cog sci about the “levels of understanding” (i.e. sociology is an abstraction of psychology is an abstraction of biology is an abstraction of chemistry is an abstraction of physics) is something that can fit into this understanding and probably led me to it too, seeing as I have thought about it a good deal since when i read it a few years ago. “...Is an abstraction of” is kinda like saying “is the derivate of”. Or is it like saying “is the integral of”, sorry I’m getting really tired.

Is “How” the integral of “what”, or the derivative?

Ok NOW i am going to actually sleep and instead of trying to think about this more i am going to be content with the fact that i now have all this knowledge.

Your neurons take a snapshot

Even if i am right about all this there isnt actually a point in conveying it and making it understood by other people. Even if it is an extraordinary feat to be able to understand all this it wont be seen as extraordinary (whatever that means) unless enough other people can understand it well enough to understand its significance, or someone who does understand it can make it relevant in some way to the rest of humanity and the functioning of society. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to say “lol i was so high and just rambling nonsense” and choose never to engage with these ideas again and go about my life like normal, or i can take on the burden of choosing to believe they are real, and then deciding whether i need to make them and their significance known (I dont even know if i know what their “significance” is, or if they have one). I dont know which one would overall be the better thing to do.

#journal #aug 2020 #🌿

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ven0m0th · 4 years

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Would you mind to answer all the unusual questions? I mean if you want to, hope you don't find it annoying

i can give it a go, probably not all of them though, and no its not annoying its okay!

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else? nah its a weird thing to wish, you don’t know what hidden weights and burdens other people carry

2: What is your full name? not gonna answer this one

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for? 35, usually mistaken for early 20′s, i can still get child passes on buses sometimes

4: Have you ever dyed your hair? of course

5: What’s your eye color? greyish boring blue

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it - yeah i’m okay with it after hating it for ages, so thats cool

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings? 7 or 8 tattoos

8: What would you say is your best quality? i dont really know, i feel like other people would be a better judge of that

9: What are you really bad at? a lot of things its hard to single anything out! i guess i am particularly bad at socialising

10: What talent do you wish you had? i wish i could play the piano and have a good understanding of notes/keys etc. so i could write music completely by myself

11: Are you nice to everyone? no i don’t believe in being nice to everyone no matter what, if you’re a prick why should i be nice to you?

12: What do you think about the most? i dont think theres one single thing, i think about really existential stuff a lot though, like time and space and how inconceivable the concept of infinity is, i like it

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself - i like how comfortable i am with being left alone with my own thoughts and that i can keep making music without procrastination setting in too much. i dislike a lot of things about myself, i am probably really annoying to a lot of people

14: What is your least favorite word? Clammy. its so ugly and horrible

15: What is your favorite word? never really thought about it, i couldn't say

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad? don’t really know

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger? yeah if they smile at my i try to smile back

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone - probably all the reasons by now, i don’t owe everyone i talk to the truth

19: Are you lying about anything right now? not right this moment no

20: Have you kissed someone older than you? yes

21: Do you believe in love at first sight? i don’t think so, i mean you could find out the person is horrible a few moments later

22: Do you believe in soulmates? not really, i don’t believe anyone was made exactly for another person, but some people go together really well

23: Are looks important? to an extent yes, but i think also included in that are the persons mannerisms, how they carry themselves and things like that, you have to like that about them too i think

24: Opinion on relationship age differences - all depends, obviously someone dating someone else who is underage is wrong. also when you see someone who is obviously just in the relationship to brag about how young their partner is, thats creepy. but ive seen relationships with big age gaps that just work and you dont notice it

25: Would you date someone off the Internet? yeah, its not even an issue these days is it?

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl? yes

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? haven’t we all?

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now? no

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? i don’t think so

30: Have you ever liked your best friend? surely you count your partner as your best friend?

31: How does someone win your heart? knife fight royal rumble, last one standing wins

32: What turns you on? not saying

33: What turns you off? rude people, racists, people who litter, people with right wing views

34: Do you get jealous easily? i dont think so no

35: What is your definition of cheating? pretty obvious surely?

36: Do you forgive betrayal? not really no

37: Have you ever been cheated on? yeah a few times

38: Have you ever cheated on someone? no how do you live with it once you’ve done it?

39: How often do you listen to music? every day multiple times

40: First concert you attended - a band called pitchshifter when i was 15

41: Last movie you watched - i think it was mad max

42: Favorite type of movie - varies, i like horror stuff, weird slightly off films and fantasy stuff

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? of course, things that come to my mind at 3am while i try to sleep

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings? i think so, depends if i’m showing it on the outside though, i can’t tell

45: Do you fall in love easily? sometimes, it differs from person to person

46: Do you think people say I love you too much? if you love someone then no, i hate that people say it devalues in meaning the more you say it, not true.

47: What’s your favorite holiday? don’t really have one, i like booking time off work to go on tour, those are my favourite holidays

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way? to a point, some people don’t deserve forgiveness though. i dunno, i am fine with it

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth? the stage, i forget about everything and the nihilism is cathartic

50: What’s your “type”? i don’t really have a strict type, maybe weird and adventurous?

thanks anon, and sorry to everyone who's dash this appears on

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harmonyresonant · 5 years

Text

That crave for affection. The menial nature of it.

Interesting people interest us. A sensitive person - sensible. Insensible. I take enough drugs to make a horse feel sick - my battle is to reduce - not to accelerate. Defined. - This is my new theme, I guess my new word. My style is discipline, calculation, precision of execution. Preparation loves victory. I am waiting. Though I am able to rmeind myself I shouldn’t be waiting for the validation. I shouldn’t be waiting for someone to sweep me off my heavy memories and appreciate me. Unfortunately - those in my situation are unlikely to make it. They are far more likely to recluse and die, or atrophy into a holding pattern to rectify their mistakes, I suppose it all depends. There is little room for assumptions in my world - and even less room for judgement. It’s not that judgement has become anything less important. It remains paramount to stabilising my lifes ongoing work. It’s just that a lot of the time I would judge to calculate things based on fear. The idea that I would be left alone, abandoned at the sight of my true nature. It took a long time to be able to trust myself both on and off my medication. A long time. Some part of me - still holds on. It wants that security, to know, not to want. To have instead of desire, but I find increasingly that having is something that I never really wanted in the end. What I wanted was companionship. A group of friends that can trust me, and who I can hang around without feeling compromised - or disrespected. I think that word - Respect. Means something else to me than it did before. To me I command it. I command it from Darren. From Renee. From Sarah. From Terry. No one is above it. It’s a command that has it’s roots in what I know I’m willing to do for loyalty. The sacrifice I’m willing to make. I know I can kill, because I have killed myself. A steady hand. Steady breathes. Fear and Anxiety are trivialities. I said I was willing to become homeless instead of burden myself with the bullshit of the world. That seems to have remained a truth when tested. I dreamed of riding a sports bike with boardies and a t-shirt - I did that. I did it illegally a lot as well. Trouble with the police. High quantities of illegal drugs in my backpack. No licence for 6 months - just haven’t told anyone except Jackson. The knife-edge is sometimes a bit too thick for the thrill. So I find myself wanting in the mornings. In the evenings. Craving novel. Different to the original. Different to the original idea of what will make me happy - what will reinvigorate my soul. But I know the truth about my soul. So does my sister. There is an emptiness there. Biological. Psychological. Electromagnetic. It’s a failure of propogation. I absorb the chaos of the external world and give out nothing. It is swallowed into an endlessness. A flow - unlike gas or fluid. It is a movement of death. I don’t understand yet how that can be helpful. Perhaps - in the way that my presence here under immense pressure has been helpful, I am not care-free, but I do not longer care. Psychological processes take time to reorientate. CBT done spontaneously with precision. They will reflect my new attitude. Perhaps I just never had to tjhink about validation when I was younger. I never wanted it. At least consciously. When Mum died I was happy. And her crushing burden lfifted to allow me to be free and ignore the world. It became my playground. BUt i was unhelpfully shielded. As such - what happened afterwards cost. I haven’t been raped. Or sent to jail. I haven’t killed. I am kind. I am these things because I am not stupid enough to get raped or sent to jail. I haven’t killed because I can engineer people out of my life. I am kind because others have been cruel. This is the respect I demand. It’s a capacity for violence which I’ve seen let go only once. Everyone living their perfect lives. I no longer want perfect. I want my life. I have seen beauties, scenes, people, ideas, conflict, war, destruction, solutions, hypocrisy, tales, romance, love, hate, kinship, comradering, languages, hopes, failures, dreams, realisations, progressions, regressions. There is a...vastness. I used to believe this vastness was a reason to feel...in control - that through learning and knowledge progressive - I would understand the nature of all things - know and grow to learn and understand the truth of the reasons why I was experiencing what I was experiencing. I identify hope and capitalise on joy where I found it but I found little joy where I wanted to. I found joy in the little things. Little things I could only dream of having. Relationships I would never have and stories that would never be my reality. I realised more and more that I was alone - and that unbenownst to me - my desire to Know - had led me to a set of truths which confronted me with little else besides one solution. Tolerate your mind. So that your mind and body might be of help. There is nothing redeeming or joyful about the cosmos or the universe. It is a plague on the way our minds are built - concepts such as space - time - infinity - finite numbers - dimensions - quantum physics - black holes - humanity - green planets - solar systems - the big bang - entropy - the unnecessary need for men - or their greed. The reality of the imbalance of powers. The limitations of cognition. General IQ. Social structures and the necessary bottom-end chaos/regulation needed to maintain them. Social mobility - economic structures. Human impulse. Sex. Over-population, fisheries depletion, ecosystem degradation, extinction rates. Artificial Intelligence. Big data - Cyber-security. FIAT money. Geology. Aqua tables - imperfect evolution - change. Systems theory. Chaos theory. Heuristics. Medicine. Curiosity. Nuclear weapons. I dont trust anyone who doesn’t recognise the flawed nature of themselves. Nearly all guys wont. It’s against their neural code. Most women wont, because to appear weak is against the social norm now. Judgement. and so I am here. Experimenting with truly not processing the world around me. I’m too over caring, wanting, hating, jealousy, sadness. These things don’t help. I always could do what others wouldn’t let alone - couldn’t. I don’t give a fuck because I don’t have to. And because frankly I don’t want to. It truly is baffling to wake to the same scenery each day - it’s progressive changes over time. Green is beginning to seed back. There is a slowness - a rhythm - marked by the sunset and sunrise - the clouds - the swap of trees - the rush of waves crashing - the reasons - the growth - the death. Each it’s own a part of the harmony. Though life is no easier at this pace. It makes more sense and it feels less delicate.

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