#i dont think im eating properly but i just feel so naseous

[flowersandinternet]

i miss him. everything. i miss having someone to share my every thought with, show every cute animal and baby video, talk about all our nerdy interests that i dont share with anyone else. i miss the near immediate phone call after i mention im down or anxious. i miss the tight squeezes, whether they were full of joy or just holding me until i stopped crying. i miss giving back scritchies every night before sleep, even when i was always promised some back, but never got them bc it always put us both to sleep. i miss his skin, smooth and perfect and warm, the closeness and safeness of being that close to another human, the way we clichely fit together so perfectly wrapped up in only the covers and each other. i miss him excitedly explaining whatever soccer game was on, whatever wrestling match, and any GOT plotlines i didnt quite understand and how the book did a much better job. i miss waking up next to him, how precious he looked half asleep in the morning, his messy bed hair, bright blue eyes, and perfect lil butt ready to squeeze. i miss how well he got on with my whole family, and the intense love for my boogie boy and the cats. i miss having a first port of call for any work related thing i didnt have the answer to, as well as someone to immediately bitch about how dumb a customer was being. i keep finding myself thinking back to the first moments, the first time i saw him on my first shift, the care, humour, and encouragement he gave in regards to starting uni, and the day I finally admitted to myself that id stop repressing the crush i had on him, which also turned out to be the same day we started talking seriously. about our second date when i locked my keys in my car an hour from home, ruining our date plans, but getting to know him in a deeper way as he drove me home and back to get the spare key. about the night we started dating, and the cuddles we shared. about the nights we stayed up talking till 5am. the night i told him i adored him, and he first told me he loved me. the songs that are still so full of love they make me cry. and mostly how certain we were of the future, that we were the people we were going to marry and spend the rest of our lives with. i dont really know where we went wrong, but i get nauseous when i think about not having him beside me. if its for the best, then its for the best. i just wish i wasnt miserable. and i wish he were here.