#i dont think i ever gave context for any cult mention which?? i dont have to because who do i have anything to prove something to.

[martyrbat]

when i briefly mention cults i want to make it absolutely clear i mean literal cults. like not just extremist churches that are harmful and manipulative in their own way (although got that experience too) but like.

(general cult talk under cut)

going on ‘retreats’ since youre a child where members of your church would plan with your parents on a time to ‘abduct from your house because youre never prepared to be a testimony for god. literally being driven for hours until lost in a bus where they had the windows darkened in the back so it made it difficult to see especially with the rural surrounding. no phone service if you had a phone. where they would wake you up every half hour for a week or two (or a month if it was a summer) and had no clocks. being led to hike miles in the dark and mud as its 30 degrees and then shoving you in a rope maze in the middle of the woods for you to try and get through until sunrise and how it was a message about needing the light (god) or else you'll be trapped in darkness and that'll take you to hell. they emotionally berate you to give confessions and you had to list your sins outloud repeatedly over and over and then stand there as people tell you how youre a failure and disgrace. but no worries! jesus will fix that as long as you devote your life and happiness to him because your time on the earth has to be miserable to prove your dedication to the heavens and to get your crown of jewels.

i was “homeschooled” to be isolated further and because we couldn't afford the one public school, the people in the cult(s) were the only people i knew and got to see and several of them killed themselves and then the cult would spend a hour praying God has mercy but knowing prayers are not gods will and that our pleads for mercy are meaningless because they're in hell. my priest gave me modern study bibles with underlines on homosexuality said its disgusting and a sin and that suicidal people are weak and god is disappointed and how selfish it is because you're questioning gods judgement in creating you since the moment youre created, you are covered in the blood of sin and your life is a debt you will never pay off.

they would teach things that werent in the bible and if you said that's not true/the verses dont say that then you got belittled for being stupid and not understanding and gaslit to believe you cant trust your own judgement or thoughts because theyre always wrong or misguided. youre told you're empty and hollow without god and to purge yourself from your “sin” so that you can be a vessel for him while sobbing at the thought of what happens if god purges him from you because what will remain? youre empty without holiness but youre repeatedly taught you arent capable of being holy—what will fill the hole that is your self without this god and religion??

and again, i live in a VERY isolated area where we don't have buses or stores or anything. outside of this cult and self hatred and this god that needs you to be hollow for it to deem you worthy—there literally is nothing else. its isolating, its encouraging self hatred and misery to deem your worth, its dangerous as a disabled queer. I have never had a physical in person friendship but ive had more than 5 adults tell me how they would kill me in detail. i dont have family i can talk to. i dont have friends around me. i convinced my mother for me to stop going to the church in about 2019 or so because for a long time i would attend despite not believing in that shit purely because it was the only way i could get out of my extremely abusive household until it became too dangerous there too where i thought it would be SAFER to be in a house where a gun is pointed to my head every few months.

like i make jokes because lolz religious trauma ammirite! and its not a big sensitive topic despite... trauma. but like... when i say i was raised in cults i literally mean fucking cults LMAO