#i dont talk to noe cause i feel ashamed at the fact i never got to send my letters to him cause i believed his girl at time

[alchemist-shizun]

So uhh I had a train of thought and I just really needed to let it out please note that this is very long so beware before you decide to click “read more” and yeah as for contents this is just really me venting about the fact that I’ve prevented myself from drawing since forever and I can’t really stand it any longer (there might be many mistakes but I don’t expect anyone to read this) really just ignore it

Fuck it fuck it fuck them i dont C a r e ™ I’ve had enough i can’t fucking believe they made me feel like this still to this day I haven’t even talked to them in years and because of them I’m still not over it so honestly fuck you elementary teachers and your stupid fucking way of twisting a child’s perception of thing on their way of shaping themselves cause you ruined a perfectly creative child is what you did

Okay so this dates back to, yes you read, elementary school but oh actually let’s get to kindergarten first

I was coloring a lion picture, I was like 4 but I still freaking remember it to this day, the teacher there told me I did it wrong and I didn’t understand why, I got scolded for fucking c o l o r i n g COLORS, I WAS F O U R it wasn’t like a colored a lion BLUE I used typical lion colors what do you want from me?

So I tried again, unsure of what to do, unsure of everything, I color it again, and as if nothing changed I get scolded again and you want to know what they had the courage to do? The fucking hypocrisy? They sent me to the part of preschool you can go when you’re like 2 or 3 TO SIGNIFY THAT I WAS STUPID and to make me feel ashamed of myself for something that I had no clue about cause nobody cared to explain what I did wrong

I still remember how fucking bad I felt, I might have cried too, I don’t know anymore

Fun fact? I recently heard someone else had the same experience

Now what the fuck? What the fuck? Do you know how impactful something like that is on a 4 year old child? Did you not learn how to treat kids in university? Fucking hell you should’ve studied this kind of things, how am I supposed to react to that kind of shaming?

And now let’s go to elementary school. Everything fucking SUCKED in the attitude of the two main teachers I had.

Basically in here you had to write your name, date, class, daily stuff basically on top of the page every time, and right under these things before you start writing or anything you have to do what in Italian we say “cornicetta” that I can literally translate with “little frame”

Basically it was a very tiny drawing you did and you repeated it horizontally so that you had some kind of frame on a single side of the page

And I was terrible at them. I don’t know, I didn’t have the hand of the artist™ what could I do about it? I was just 6. And my teachers? Batshit crazy. My Italian and history teacher in particular, she absolutely hated my drawings

Everything I did didn’t please her at all, the frames I made were always criticized and thank god I don’t remember all of her comments cause if I did I’d probably still be upset over them

There’s one in particular I remember: I think we were making a drawing for history, cause I remember drawing a cave and some people, so I might have been in second or third year. I had started to color it and my teacher came up, inspected it and said “ah it was actually a good drawing, too bad you had to ruin it with colors”

How am I fucking supposed to feel about that? Do I have to yell in joy and say woah you’re absolutely right I must bow to your genius. N O fuck you that’s what I was supposed to say! I wasn’t encouraged in the slightest.

She made me feel like shit and fucking laughed like she was pleased to fuck around with my sanity. Thank you very much you idiot now I’m terrified of drawing anything at all, this is what you created, you happy??

Not only she never gave me constructive criticism on my drawings, but she also insulted my handwriting over and over along with the one of some others, threatening us to go back to writing with the pencil instead of the pen like everyone else

Again, you can imagine how I fucking felt.

You don’t know how many afternoons I spent with my mother writing words in the exact manner my teacher wanted over and over because those were the sick punishments they gave us

Writing some words like 50 times

Sure, it can be practice, but God fucking damn it

I can understand when they said “hey you did a spelling error, how about you write this word like 20 times so that you get used to it” alright

But you don’t make a child sit for hours trying to fill entire pages of stupid senseless words making them feel even more ashamed and stupid than they already felt

It was dreadful for me and even my mother was pissed at that. Not that she didn’t criticize my handwriting either but she gave up after some time

Also, as if elementary wasn’t enough, we had a young teacher at catechism that dared to give us fucking homework LIKE THAT’S NOT EVEN A NORMAL THING none else in the world did that okay n o o n e

And she gave fucking marks, ofc my marks fucking sucked and I hated going there (my parents only made me go so that I could have done all the required things if I ever wanted to get married in church once adult)

Moral of the story, don’t trust catechism teachers if they’re like mine (also my parents hated her)

I don’t know when I stopped drawing, probably after elementary school, since I didn’t have to do those page frames anymore.

But with middle school came art lessons

Art lessons with the teacher I had meant no history of art at all for all the three years and only making art

I hated it, I sucked at everything, my drawing repulsion (if that’s a term I can use) grew stronger with all the years and the teacher I had also wasn’t professional at all so she gave marks based on how much she liked you

Despite all of this, there was a moment in first year of middle school where this teacher fell down the stairs and broke her leg, so we had a substitute: young, sweet lady that I instantly fell in love with

She made us do a project for a group of people we call “alpini” which is a particular group that helped in the war and fought in the north of Italy, in particular in the Alps.

I had a very artistic classmate, her mother was literally and artist and obviously I stood no chance against her, so I was like well I’m not gonna end up in noe place so, let’s just do this for fun I guess

I made this stupid little concept I had in my head, nothing special really, especially since I also drew people and I have no clue of how bodies work in art, but okay

Wanna know something?

I fucking won

I don’t know how, but I fucking won and I still have the prize

But then, the other teacher came back and everything was back to being shitty.

When it was time to choose highschool I was a bit scared cause my course would have had lessons of history of art since the first year and I had never had one while everybody else would have

I was afraid I wouldn’t have liked the subject

Let me tell you, it’s probably my favorite subject by now, and I’m at the last year. I was afraid I wouldn’t have been able to do anything with it, that if I liked history of art the only available universities where the academies that required you to have drawing skills

Then I came to know of the existence of the Cultural Heritage faculty and I couldn’t have been happier

But lately I’m still here thinking what if I actually tried to not listen to the people around me and practice my drawing skills ever since I was little?

I am so fucking sorry for myself because I lost a potential I know I could’ve grown to something probably very beautiful and I will never be able to see it bloom

And you know what? I don’t fucking care I’m so done with this feeling and I want to get rid of it so I don’t care if I’m 18 you can start whenever you want to do things

So I’m gonna start to teach myself how to draw after 18 years of my life and I’m going to see how it turns out and I will fucking stop being absolutely scared of picking up pencils

I’ll stop hearing my past teachers voices in my head saying it’s no use and that I should give up because they’re absolutely horrible and I hate them in particular

I don’t care that’s it this time I’m doing it, I don’t want to be conditioned by stupid people or be submissive anymore

And to those teachers, an honest and wholehearted fuck you, in your face.