#i dont pressure myself to do this hobby when i dont have the spoons for it but that doesnt mean i dont feel bad abt leaving yall hanging

[riwrite]

it's shizuku's birthday !!

[mangoyakult]

tw reality vent dump? i went deep on this lowkey

lets talk about the effect (my) phone addictions have on perceiving reality. you become so used to the online world and are engrossed in it that you cant fathom the reality of the real world. once a blue moon you get the opposite of dissociation where you come to the realisation that real life has an end and it will keep moving on without you, without your favourite shows, ESPECIALLY the bit about how it will move on even after your shows, loved ones, etc end.

its hard to talk about it when im NOT currently in this state of mind so if i remember i'll come back and reblog and talk about it more when i am in that state of mind, but like it just hits you like a cement truck that (and i know it sounds cliche) we are just on a floating ball in space.

everything you know will come to an end and you wont know about it because i believe you experience "life after death" in the same way you experience life before you were born. in the same way that blind people dont see black, they see nothing, its not there. if you close one eye, you dont see anything out of it, thats what i believe death will be like, and its the one thing keeping me from going insane when i get these thoughts but also it makes me spiral even more.

i think about how i'll miss loved ones but then i remember i won't miss it because i won't experience anything. times like this i wish i believed in a religion, i wish i believed in the afterlife, and a part of me does, a part of me believes in ghosts and reincarnation.

wild take that might offend several people but the same way that over hundreds and thousands of years humans fled to religion to distract their minds from these thoughts, i flee to my phone and silly blorpos to distract my mind from these thoughts. except im wayy less productive than them lol they full on built massive cathedrals and monuments and statues dedicated to these ethereal beings and i just go haha funny orangutang with the play dough ur so silly.

i don't stay up all night because i have an addiction to games and my phone, i stay up all night til i pass out because if im not entirely tired ready to pass out, my mind will be racing with all these horrible thoughts i cant remove from my brain and i will wake up with puffy eyelids.

idk these are my thoughts this is what happens when you take away tiktok doom scrolling from me

and i know a lot of you will tell me to get hobbies and friends and hang out and have fun but when i get these "episodes" i genuinely feel like thats the ONLY thing i can do. if i'm not watching my blorbos or hanging with friends, or crocheting or gaming or drawing, life is meaningless and why am i waking up 6 mornings with no plan waiting for the end of the week where i can finally see someone and hang and be happy

i think i'm in a state of burnout, i only have one spoon per week and i'm already using it to go to work because yeah i work like twice a week i'm not home all day, i have uni i go to occasionally, but its so tiring and though i am as far away as possible to suicide (remember my little fear of death above?) i just want like a break month where i can do nothing and chill without any pressures

i think about moving out and growing up and possibly having kids and a partner and i feel as though i'm not prepared for that. mentally i'm 13 and i just want to go to high school, play with friends, yap about gravity falls and other hot shows of that era

i physically can't envision myself as an adult yet i am one, i physically can't wrap my mind around simple concepts most adults understand, like taxes and bills and a lot of things. trust me i've tried! and now i'm on my fourth year of tax evasion because i just don't know how they work!

i gotta stop talking bc lowkey i'm getting myself into this damn mindset and i have work soon and customers are damn near horrible and i have to fake a smile for them

[mayeetjim]

5, 8, and 9 for the disability asks!

if you have multiple disabilities: do they affect each other? how?

so physically i have scoliosis and tourettes, and most of my scoliosis pain is typically in my lower back, but it can move into my knees. meanwhile my tourettes makes my head jerk quite often, making my shoulders and neck ache, which means often times my entire back hurts on bad days. i also have adhd and autism, which is fun when i get those i need to create/eat but nothing feels Right

does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

im sure it effects it in someway, but i dont usually think about it? i know it effects the way i present myself, as i use clothing to help manage my tourettes with pressure, and i figure if people are going yo stare at me because im constantly moving or stimming or ticcing, then it might as well because i also look sick as fuck

im also sure that my experiences online with others of the disabled community have helped me find what i want to do in life, which is become a social worker to help folks like me

how do you measure your energy? (spoons, battery, something else?)

i usually dont measure it, i just keep going until i shut down, and then i just go "i dont have the energy to mask rn, sorry" sometimes for emotions i think of myself as a guy floating in a pot of water, and its harder for me to get sentiments and feel my own emotions, as theyre either at the bottom of the pot or at the top, but when i get lots of emotions it boils and its easier for those sentiments and emotions to reach me, good or bad

thanks!!

[noecat]

10 facts abt me tag

thank u @dotingdamen ! <3 

1.  juice related: i always pick berry and i never enjoy drinking it bc it always has that weird-ass chemical taste like ? i dont understand myself ? do i do it for the aesthetic bc it’s a “me thing” ? in any case, orange juice = master race & apple (esp w aloe vera bits, ew) is the nastiest shit ever

2. sleep related: every single time my schedule is relaxed to any degree i enter a state in which i stay up until the early morning, pass out, sleep all day (forgetting to eat or do anything useful at all), wake up in the evening too tired to do anything besides be on my phone in bed & repeat the cycle. perhaps i have An Problem

3. spoon related: i eat everything w teaspoons! idk tablespoons are too Big, ive never really questioned the reasoning behind this

4. blog related: i started as a bbc sherlock blog (no comment. no comment) before the fandom went to shit so i went pure aesthetic but then kpop happened and then i got into anime and then i ended up w this ..... Blog ...... in which i try desperately to balance the memes with the aesthetic content with the anime in order to minimize the degree to which i piss off my followers

5. writing related: i was supposed to update fish fic half a month ago. kill me, and also dont mention this fact ever again anywhere. fish fic what fish fic.

6. hair related: i wanna cut mine !! i want to bleach it to hell and back !! i want a cute pixie cut but also i want to dye it completely black so it makes me look like i never see the light of day!! fuck, im so excited, can u imagine, im going to take my hair on a fuckin ride the moment i graduate

7. graduation related: i graduate this year. good luck, hair :)<3

8. hobby related: shit i literally have time to do nothing but i am kinda into reading manga lately ?? i rly need to finish watching knb, finish watching haikyuu holy shit, n then watch bnha (only read the manga so far) &&&& then i gotta actually watch the rest of yoi/start on voltron so i can stop feeling like a fucking catfish everytime i reblog smth from those fandoms

9. personal life related: im a complete mess but at least at this point in life i have exactly 0 rivals, 0 enemies of any kind and 0 viable love interests. good ground to improve upon!

X. personality related: it probably doesnt bleed thru bc i so rarely share anything personal on here but im equal parts perfectly willing to make friends and engage in Snarky Banter and (holy shit blease talk to me) && perfectly unwilling to invest any kind of effort in anything at all ! as u can see, it goes very well ! where did everyone i knew go though;;

~ tagging (no pressure, no obligations) below ~

disclaimer this is just me scrolling thru activity n picking mutuals/ppl whose urls i recognize

@wingjk (my wife whomst i love.) @h-y-p-h-e-n-d-o-t-s (i know u were alr tagged but anytime i c u in activity im like !!! wow !! so im tagging u anyway have a nice day) @eviespncer (i hope it’s not weird to tag u asdjfds i see u in my activity a lot & m curious) @whatxiumin (hi hello mutual idk if u do tags but !) @cary0phyllaceae (hi hello !) @actual-606 (hi ! helo) @eggybean (!hi ! hello) @gansaey (i do not Recall when we became mutuals but it seems super long ago but we havent interacted much??) @anti-social-kat (hello!) @ollyhooper (ohoho hi! i rmbr u from the sherlock fandom times :’) idk if u do tags but!) @patrolcus (hello, another mutual i know absolutely nothing about ;-;) @punk-failure (hi!!) @hixtapemp3 (hello!! hi) @lovecitys (omg the colors in ur mobile theme description r so aesthetically pleasing)

ok im tired ;; love u all