#i dont know if this even is webweaving at this point but idk what to tag it as

[deputy-buck]

                                                    "Then we jacked off together by the fire."

"All boys do that. Normal men grow out of it."

[slowdripsunrise]

BOOK REVIEW AGAINNNNNNN yippee i have actually been reading... not a lot but well i am ! kinda forgot about this blog ok thats not true i was just lazy and didnt want to write a post. well anyways heres a big post for all the stories i read there are 4 - things have gotten worse since we last spoke by eric larocca, paradise rot by jenny hval, soft science by franny choi, and the country will bring us no peace by matthieu simard ! spoilers under the cut

ok first i read things have gotten worse since we last spoke because i wanted to go on a little kick of reading weird crazy people books at 3 am. and i did! chose this one because i saw it was very short so. anyways i thought this was.... okay. i think what made it a little worse off for me is that i already knew about the whole parasite thing from tiktok, so it wasnt that crazy to me when it actually happened. gonna be honest i do Not remember how the book ends at all so i dont even know if it was satisfying or not. was my experience worsened by it being 3am and me not having any thoughts at all? probably. would i do it again? yeah. i was a lil bit disappointed in the apple peeler part too... i thought it was going to be more relevant than it was unless there are some hidden symbolism meanings motifs going on that i didnt get... actually now that im thinking about it big long unbroken peels of apple + a big long probably worm-like parasite? next to each other thats kinda cool. other than that thought i literally just had now typing this out i didnt see anything else. omg speaking of seeing the tagline and also its mentioned in the book, "what did you do today to deserve your eyes?" crazy ass fuck sentence. i kinda love it actually and this is maybe where i would have like to see the apple peeler come in. she takes the apple peeler to her face and peels her eyes out of her head idk. also i feel like either on tiktok/goodreads they were supposed to be ballerinas? but that wasnt mentioned at ALL? i might be misremembering but that also could have been a cool little anecdote. anyways all this to say i thought the book was alright. i was entertained for like 2 hours. my favorite part of this experience was going on goodreads after and seeing a one star review of the book that just said "men stop writing trauma porn about lesbians." which is SO FUCKING FUNNY. because 1 im pretty sure the author is nonbinary, so hes not a man. 2. WHO IS GETTING OFF TO THIS. sorry i do absolutely not see any fetishization here, and also i think they write stories like this in like collections,, so there are probably people other than lesbians in them. idk i just thought that was funny. jesus christ this is getting long and i'm only 1/4 done. i pity anyone who opens this.

next i read paradise rot by jenny hval, which i had heard was dubbed the "bisexual piss book" intriguing and also a short little story i read at 3am. i did like this one, i thought it was fun and interesting and im a big fan of rot. just in general. vibes were on point. this book was moist. however, not as much piss as i expected. as in like quantities on page. they did talk about piss a lot and by they i mean the narrator. not as horror-esque as i thought it would be but i did like it! ohhh to simply rot away...... would not recommend this to normal people and i like that about it.

soft science by franny choi !!!! really liked this! im going to be honest i do not remember more than one poem from this collection. but i do remember liking them !!! sorry i think i need to train my brain to like and remember poetry more. and not just like the ones from tumblr webweaves even though all of them slay.

finally i read the country will bring us no peace by matthieu simard. i liked this, thought it was super interesting,,, ok i didnt think it was super interesting i thought it was good. god i am trying to program myself out of academic reviews of stupid dumbass books i was forced to read. this isn't like that at all. anyways i thought the whole grief aspect was done very well, the sadness at knowing literally nothing will work or come together to make your life go back to the way it was, go back to being whole again. and that deep deep sadness of not only losing their daughter but also the life they had before, the life they had with each other,,, losing all hope. it definitely got to me i did almost cry i think. i think i have more to say about this but i don't remember it. oh well. i thought the vibes of a hostile small mountain town were cool ! i think one of my favorite scenes was when the lavoie's kid falls from the antenna and they are just standing there doing nothing and simon has to go save him... idk the fact that they were shown as perfect parents for their perfect children and how not great they actually were <- this thought is dumb and obvious you get what im saying. one of my main issues is that the ending did feel rushed... and i was a bit confused,,,, the last line "a bird starts to sing" i couldn't tell if that was meant to be marie and simon hearing birds in the afterlife, in the woods by the bowling alley? or was that just the birds in the town finally starting to sing? because if its the latter i don't really get how simon and marie dying would bring the birds back.. the town is still dying and tragedies will still happen... idk its probably the birds in the afterlife but oh well. ok final thought i think but i think the title in french is interesting. it's called "ici, ailleurs" which means "here, elsewhere" or more like "here, something better. here, a new beginning." i like that, obviously it's what the book is about, and idk i think the translator did a good job at conveying the message. i think i would read this book again but in french, mostly to practice because my french is shit but i think since it only really stays in one setting, there's not a lot of characters, concepts are pretty easy to understand, i think it would be fun !!!! ok im done those are my reviews of all the books ive read in the past week or so thanks to anyone who reads this whole thing you are crazy. peace and love

[kusundei]

insignificance is a weird one. one must imagine sisyphus happy. was his life insignificant? no. did the gods make him out to be that way? yes. but dod he sccept it? no. he concluded that all is well and it makes me wonder and it makes me think. i condemn people for not understanding the truth behind the story of sisyphus but even i wonder what he was thinking, or moreso what camus was. i resonate to a degree but its also so hard to keep feeling. to keep being. to keep trying knowing nothing will come of it. his tragedy is defined by his consciousness. why am i conscious and why does it make everything worse? why does it add more weight to my shoulders? i keep thinking abt that quote. abt the suicide and when someone can determine whether or not a life is worth living. i do not ever contemplate my life anymore especially not in that context trying to determind whether it is worth living. i wont lie and say that i feel like it is because currently i do not. but then i will leave later and suddenly i will feel that reason that keeps me going. that makes my life worth livjng and it is slightly sickening. but no i contemplate the idea in which when can i finally say ive had enough? at what point does alot become too much? people have different definitions of it and it confuses me because i do not know how to define it either. some people say hardwork pays off and is fufilling and i agree, but then it is also taxing. at what point do you determine a balance between too much? because i keep feeling like im doing too much then think about it and feel like no actually jm never doing enough. exhaustion plays a big role in it but what is the differentiating factor where you can say its something else and not laziness? How long do you get to justify that sort of thing? what justifies it?

i dont even know what i am going on abt i am just thinking. my hands r freezing over and its getting harder to type but i have nothing better to do but think. idk. maybe there is a significance in therapy. but then it goes back and forth. the same question and same feeling i e felt for years and they ask me the same question everytime and i think abt it too. why do i feel so undeserving? why is everything laced with guilt and why do i constantly feel like i am burdening others for existing? and i say its because of my mom. yeah probably but i dojt know. why havent i gotten over that yet then? i dont refuse help i just feel better without it. ive lived on and off with independency when i didnt need it then a lack of it when i did. when i needed my mom sje was not there. when i needed to do something mysekr i was not given that option. moreso always was i not allowed that independency so i feel like it festered sometjing in me that nade me feel like i needed to hold onto it as much as possible. or just generally rhat i couldnt count on people. do i though? yeah. bur when it matters no. i feel like i am all over the place always. emotionally definitelt but also mentally. like thought wise. even my brain doesnt like me and cooperate. why do you tell me different things than i know? park that car. drop that phone. sleep on the floor. dream abt me. idk im being weird i just keep getting mad ar myself because why dont i communicate. well its not like i do but i dont communicate. things. things that bkther me. things i am actually thinking. but rhn saying that makes me feel pretentious because why do i think i am unknowable? rhat someone is not going to understand me? but then it all ties back. stupid dumb webweaving quote. this is my tragedy. because i understand them but they do not understand me. but even i acknowledge how pretentious that mindset is. i am not different. i am not special i am a person the same way everyone else is. idk i keep acknowledging thay i should help myself. i have helped myself in the past but that is the past. i think i just struggle to acknowledge that again . not linear. can get bad again. just dont like that. i should be fine there is no reason for me to be bad. but then god keeps testing me and i feel awful and i feel bratty for not growing up. why does this effect me? why am i even worse abt it than i was before? oh but i really am not. if anything i have enabled unhealthy coping strategies again but i then again enable myself once more by doing other unhealthy things that i deem r “less harmful”. i try and be mindful and do things to prevent it but then i always come back. i get so hateful just people dont tend to notice. then the hate is directed back towards myself and it is a neverending cycle. i keep thinking abt what that final thing is gping to be for me to completely go back but id like to think and hope and pray it never comes. Abut then i keep realizing that subconciously i keep waiting for that awful thing to occur for me to justify that happening. ans then it draws back to when is said thing justifiable?

i am tweaking out or spmething. need to stop thinking abt it. i just feel rlly awful still and then i think abt how that one insignificant thing has made me spiral like this already. so what does it take. ? making me question again. after talking abt it w ajax i felt rlly weird. didnt like the validation. because its made me ponder. not like it is a bad thing i just do not. need that. i do not havw the time and evergy and motivation to find out another reason why i am the way i am. of course i feel so much better connecting everything (because everything is connected) and knowing why i am the qay i am but also. So much more condemning. moreso in the way that it gives me an excuse and also jusr make sme lazier. then again i feel bad flr connecting its an odd thing. j also feel like a liar and i dont know why. im getting that weird guilty feeling again.

it is so cold and i am. feeling very odd. trying to lock in but also cant fight the feeling from being lashed earlier like sorry ^_^;. but idk judt generally i cant lock in. i mean im doing it likr halfassed but it rlly isnt working. like i dont know i am fighting a very guilty feeling for some reason and jsut tjinking aloott. i like being out like this but alsi i amCOLD. cold cold cold but the scenery is nice. i dont like thr building being next to me i feel like i am being percieved. just feleing bery odd. its no big deal though i am just like… errr..’idk. very tweakish. keep being reminded the weight of my assignments. i need to lock in and get so much shit done but i feel like dying just a little bit. or moreso just staring off into the distance and thinking. i have just a little over an hour lect and sigh. sigh sigh sigh. still fighting a feeling. feel like im going to get lashed for being here when i WORKHERE like i am so sorry……….. i woill stay in my lane.

i dont know theres just so much shit to do and i want a break but i feel weird bcuz why am i undeserving. tiktok has sent me spiraling into a raabbit hole and the constant stress and lashings and being treated like i am burdening and bothering others wont leave me alone. do i acknowledge i am probably overthinking it? yeah. do i still feel awful? yes. i am falling behind. moreo accademically and it is bothering me bcuz why am i struggling.? and then i get bothered again bcuz why am i struggling in general. i am generally happier but then i wonder to myself if i really am because why do i feel so? vulnerable? its weird and scary. like why am i abt to crash out. constantly. why do i keep getting overwhelmed why do other people and their thoughts annd opinions bother me. why am i constantly on some kind of verge. like there is nothing wrong yet there is always something wrong. i feel very exhausted. ish. mentally. physically. moreso mentally i think but i will not give myself that break and it is odd. i judt feel like all the work is making me fester that self hatred i get again. i hate myself again. and its bad brcause the feeling comes and goes but it has always stayed longer that it is welcomed for. it will come easier than it will leave me. what even happened?? nothing. just alot. i fesl like i am missing slmetjing. i feel like i am dumb. insignificant. but ive always felt like that. then i think abt it and i feel like i do matter sometimes. lkke i do something and people know who i am and remember me and suddenly i feel like ive done something and that my life matters. the sun is fading and as it gets closer and closer towards that date again i keep asking myself whyyy. why do i bother. i have a textbook answer ive told myself over and over for years to keep myself sane but is that true? or am i lying tomyself in the same way ive lied over and over? because why do i do that? i lie to the truth. i am the truth. my existence and the way my brain works and how i think and function as a person is my truth. i fight a feeling im afraid will never leave me

the sun is setting. i am feeling. odder. more webweavy maybe. anthems for a seventeen year old girl. used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that. now youre all gone got your makeup on and youre not coming back.