#i dont know how i can survive thjs

[hyuuukais]

oh why is it so hot oh my god

[kusundei]

i dont know what the fuck is up with me today but god do i feel horrible. like i feel bad. not even just like a sad way just like i feel like shit and like. really. pessimistic if anything. like i never rlly get lkke this truly it usually foes away after a while and it probably will in a bit its just. i think my mom is just truly making it worse. its so annoying why are you here? if you werent home i wouldve done all of thjs ebfkre yoy guys came home anyway why are you bothering me over and over again. i hate when people tell me to do rhings which is a really like. bratty thing to say but it makes me so upset??? im so upset for no reason. god and she just wont fucking quit it with the money and the hours and the this and this and this. holding shit over my head like it matters like okay what if i kill myself. and acting over and kver again like im fucking useless and im an idiot and im dumb. you do realize if you want me to improve you have to tell me right? like in the moment? if youre still “teaching me” then tell me AS im driving. why the fuck would you sit there and wait last minute as i make the same mistakes (which are not. even. mistakes.) over and over. like okay im braking too late? tell me when it brake. because it works for me but if thats so awful dor you then let me know. why didnt you mention i didnt have both hands on the wheel? i just do it cuz im going straight. i do it normally anyway but like still if its such an issue then just say so??? but no theyll hold that over my head. “youre not ready yet” “you think you know everything” like okay fuck you. im sorry for trying. for trying to be ahead and to have plans and to take some initiative for once because all you complain about is that i dont ever do anything w my life. i have no plans and im a failure but nooo i cant . cant do anything. im trying?? how hard is that to see??? and they keep using it over me. everytime i see jonathan i just remember what he said about me that night and jts never rlly gone away. like what the fuck is wrong with you??? if it was coming from my mom then sure. fine. whatever. shes my mom but who the fuck are you to say that? you’re fucking awful. you two both make me sick and neither of you can see when youre in the wrong because NEITHER of you are ever in the wrong. youre always right. cause im a kid. i dont grt it i dpnt understand. my life isnt hard im not doing alot like god fucking forbid i am a teenager? im still trying to take initative despite that to place myself in a good place once i graduate but always. i will always get pushed back somehow and its so fucking annoying.

imxjusr sooo. tired. maybe this is what it is i got TOO much sleep. knew it when i went to bed at what??? 11???? thats so early. imcjsuf so annoyed i cant im sorry i dont get more hrs??? and im trying im trying im trying. its just so annoying when i get pestered and patronized and i cant do anyhting about it because ill just be lashed again. like god fucking whatever ill just kill myself. would that fit into yoyr schedule? make yoyr life easier? less bills? less to worry about? since all i do is take up space and waste resources. im wasting everything. im sorry for taking up space. i try so hard not to but nooo i cant completely disappear and it just weighs down soooo much on the two of you. im sorry you have another kid. im sorry liam wasnt your only child and you still have a family. im sorry you didnt jusr send me out to live with my dad or sent me with sam but yoy wouldnt have survived without me but im sorry you didnt find jonathan sooner. yoy two wouldve killed each other and im waiting for the day you two realize that what yoy have isnt normal and you get sick of him the same way you got sick of sam because that man tried everything to appease you. thats why irs so awful because hes so much better than i am. if he couldnt do it what makes me think i can? of course im your kid but still. same shit. i cant jusr flee. i cant go anywhere. im stuck here in the same situation ife been in for years. i jusr kept praying and wishing at some point theyd swap rheir attention towards something else and finally leave me alone. treat me like a roommate. why even bother trying to parent me when youre such an awful one?

i dont like cpndemning ever. especially jot towards my mom but god. god god god. im so exhausted just leave me alone. leave me and move on. focus on spmething else. you’ll realize how much happier yoyd be if you just let it go and let me go. it would benefit all of us why do we keep bothering? and i got it the first time? “do you have any questions?” like bitch? youre so fucking annoying. giggling about the fact youre just getting another bonus cause im working now. fuck yoy and your maternity leave. i would never condemn liam for justexisting that man hasnt done anything and hes not even here yet its just YOU. 16 years with you im sick of it and im tired and feel bad for wjatever is to come for that kid. ans shes just fucking malding over ajd over again i did wjat yoy asked already but no theres always more. more more more because you cant fucking do it yourself . yoyre pregnant whatever i dont fucking care im just so. upset? angry? annoyed? i just feel very negative. im sick of your voice and your face and everything about you. leave me alone. i’ll do it. just do your fucking work????? go bake your cookies like???? fuck off genuinely before i like actually kill myself

[wingedbeings]

for my next trick i will simply lose my mind

[shady-tailors-shack]

Therapy with an Assassin

A resounding crash echoed from the ruins of the village. Malakesh's punch shattered the concrete sending a spiderwebs pattern of disjointed cracks along the wall His Lies made much the same web didnt they? "I'm not going to so stop. Simulation over-" "The simulation is not over until your session is concluded. By my count your stress level and overall hormones have been let go of and as such have caused a-" "I know the science so shut up, ladies sake..." The clone had been forced to run a makeshift therapy session. Mal's mind was a mess and needed a bit of introspection. "So, let's touch on a few more issues, specifically your black box within the corner of your mind. We both know what's in it." "Yeah, so why the fuck are you bringing it up?" Malakesh walked to the clone, his knuckles busted yet rearranging themselves on their own. His healing resetting his bone and forcing his bleeding to halt, there was to be no evidence of his night. "Because my programming has detecting a bit of a soft spot relating to those murders." "Yeah, 2 million in 3 months. Kinda forces you to..." He couldn't finish the sentence as the shock hit him. He'd pushed those 3 months to as far back as he could. He couldn't face those memories, not yet... "Well... It's time we addressed the uh... flash drive of sorts... containing that box." "No. We're not giving it to them... They hate me as it is, they don't need to add more war crimes to add to my trials." "But haven't you thought about it?" The voice changed. Why? Glancing to the clone, it's form had grown hazy yet more feminine... it was him... an aspect of him. "Yeah. And it's a shitty idea. Don't pressure that." "Oh but you're so full of them aren't you? Let's list off some shall we?" "How about n-" "Fighting Equilibrium on your own as soon as you met her. Wow that was shitty wasn't it?" He'd had his ass handed to him, but it was also the night he'd died. After he had disappeared for a night or two to think, he tossed the thoughts to the back of his head and went after her in as awful a fight as he could've been in. "You let little Valmara plant a laser in your chest and took it. You died and thought nothing of it..." "Yeah? What of it? I accepted my death and got pulled back without so much as a hindsighted question. They wanted to keep me apparently and yet they never act it-" "Well you've given them few reasons to. You found the shady edgy persona based on your armor and demeanor and stuck to it." He didn't have much else to say against that. Yeah... He went full shit show. He tried to help, got shut out, said fuck it and cultivated the title of assassin... And everything with it. "So... what about it..." "It fits you. A mass murdering science project with a conscious? It's not poetic but I'm sure stories would paint you as tortured and humble. The enigma of the group eh?" "If I have my way poetry won't remember me..." His snarled words were reflections of his choices. "I've done enough and made enough enemies, I wont let literature remember me, just my actions." "Well that's much of the same now isn't It? By remembering your actions they're remembering you." "No. They will know what I've done, but not the name or face associated with the action." Lashing out rapidly, the clones chest held a fist sized hole in it before melting down. "You... do realize that that accomplished nothing." "It made me feel better didn't it?" "At the cost of energy and Nanites." Running the therapy sim in and of itself was a waste of energy and nanites, but it helped him as well. "Can we just move on? I need to get back to the party-" "Let's talk about them then. Why do you stay?" "-I... what?" "Why. Do you stay?" Mal turned to face the carbon copy of himself staring him down. When the Sim wanted to it could be downright scary... "I... Because they need me." "Lie. They've covered every base you cover. Stealth, precision driving. Marksmanship, assassination, diplomacy, language, cooking-" "Ok when you're done." "I am." "Fine. I stay because I feel i can help. If it's just another body for the pile then its at least another second for them to figure something out." At least a tinge of that was true. "But they never do do they? Brute force and zero tact seems to be the way of things, am i wrong?" "Yeah! You're absolutely wrong, look at Nad-" "The one time he had to prove to you why you shouldn't do something was met with pure brute force and mental strength. The aspect was it not? He tried to demonstrate how fruitless your efforts of saving the Aspect of Dreams by forcing his way into her mind and failing miserably." And it was true wasn't it. It echoed out way to vividly for him not to remember. "He did his best-" "Wrong. He simply did what he wanted. The party went along because they believed simple show of force was everything. So much so that when faced with something far stronger than them like the Arch-Angel or even the Fragment of Xil, they folded. They didn't fight until backed into a corner even though they'd faced far worse odds." So why did he stay? "Yeah... Which is why they need me then isn't it. To show them the alternative. To find the way through the situation that doesn't involve blind fighting every target." "No. They can do that on their own, they dont need you at all and have made that very clear." "Then what the hell should i do huh? Leave? The few times ive tried they hunt me down and drag me back. This group is an abusive relationship that refuses to let go!" "Try again" "Try what? Huh? Leaving? Like hell. Only way they'll leave me be is if they assume ive died and they've dealt with my fake death one too many times." Anything else for the clone to try and debunk? Psychoanalyze? Can't be much- "Final point before we conclude your session. Your relationship with the previous director and what you believe your purpose to be." I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that thjs wont end well for Malakesh. "Fine." "Go on then... We're waiting." "The Director created me to kill yet gave me skill set befitting a biological weapon. I can kill single targets, eliminate entire cities, and subvert groups and cults with impunity. Yet he also have me the mental wherewithal and skills befitting a guard with a subset allowing me to guard those same targets without being noticed." "So you're a tool in all sense of the word?" "Yeah fuck you too Mr. Therapy Bot." Though the sim had a point. What was he to begin with? "You were woken up with a singular order. Kill. And you followed it. You didn't disobey, you didn't know how. Yet here we are with you not exterminating everything in a twelve mile radius." "What of it." "The mercenaries made you soft." "They made me aware of whats right and wrong fuck you. I'm not just a killing machine, I am perfectly capable of free will-" "Yet any time you're given an order you follow. Not without incentive that is." "Survival is a wonder incentive isnt it?" How long had it been since he thought about those early days with Boss? "So then, what do we want to do with that wonderful memory?" "What?" "You saw him again, Boss? What happens when the party finds out you were the cause of one groups deaths. Same group that saved you and you killed them-" "They couldn't be allowed to talk." "So rather than explain things to them you opted to kill them." "Under the ambush yeah. I'll admit. 3 of them died by my hands and the rest caught in the crossfire." "That's a lie as well isn't it... You killed them all. Your presence alone killed them. The moment they found you they were dead." "Not true, they chose to help me-" "Without knowing they'd choose something that's being hunted. They chose to help you because of morals but I'm positive that knowing the full details they'd've slit your throat while you laid in that net unconscious." "End Simulation, code 7." Malakesh was barely holding back tears as he barked out the kill code. The clone disintegrating in seconds as he fell on his backside, sitting up with a heavy head. "I know... Im just scared..."