#i dont have to worry about this until 2024 but im starting to get a little nervous not gonna lie | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

softpascalito · 1 year ago

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⋆ Softpascalitos Masterlist ⋆

This is a regularly updated masterlist of all my works, posted on tumblr + ao3! They're sorted by character with warnings/tags, please still read the full descriptions before reading! My entire blog is 18+ / MDNI.

⭐ - my personal favorites ⛓️ - smut 🍂 - hurt/comfort 💌 - fluff

i write for: javier peña, pedro pascal, agent ortega, joel miller, oberyn martell, marcus acacius, dieter bravo, silva, frankie morales, din djarin, agent whiskey, javi g, tim rockford

last update: 5th july 2024 If you have requests/questions/feedback or just want to say hi, feel free to pop into my asks! ✮

I do not give permission to have my work copied, translated, rewritten, put into any AI programs, or reposted without my direct agreement.

✮⋆˙ Main Fics ˙⋆✮

To Dig a Grave - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂⛓️ [20k+]

Summary: Twenty-one years after the outbreak, you come to Wyoming looking for something and end up in Jackson after a stranger saves your life. But he doesn't stay a stranger. Turns out Joel Miller is looking for something too. It feels like a fresh start. But when bad luck seems to follow you, Joel is the only one to turn to, forcing both of you to confront your feelings about your pasts- and each other. Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Age Difference, Smut, More Tags to be added

We got your back - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂 [6k+]

Summary: You work as a new DEA agent alongside Peña and Murphy. A not-so-kind colleague reveals more about you than you would like. Peña takes you under his wing. (Currently being reworked) Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn

Specials Kinktober 2023 31 pieces of (mostly smut) - read on AO3 / Tumblr Advent Calendar 2023 25 Pieces including moodboards, hcs and fics - read on AO3 / Tumblr

✮⋆˙ Javier Peña ˙⋆✮

Pregnancy Sex with Javier Peña - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️ [2.6k]

Summary: You're pregnant, Javier is overprotective. The problem: You're also really fucking horny. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Aftercare, Pregnancy, Established Relationship, PWP

Beyond Saving - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂 [1.3k]

Summary: Javier is on office duty when he learns that someone close to you has passed, causing both of you to spiral. Tags: ❗ Dead Dove: Do not Eat ❗, Mention of Suicide, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Minor Character Death, Trauma, Mental Breakdowns

Kinktober - Hate Sex - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2.3k]

Summary: When a raid goes wrong, Javier Peña gets pissed. You expect him to take it out on you. You dont expect him to fuck you so good. Aka a steamy office romance with a side of hate sex. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Hate Sex, Unsafe Sex, Rough Sex, Spanking

Kinktober - Humiliation - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2.2k]

Summary: Javier takes you home after a night out. You worry about waking Steve who lives upstairs- until Javier notices the way you are staring at his gun. (Thats not code for his dick, Im talking about his actual gun). Aka Agent Peña fucks you on his couch using something other than his dick. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Gun Kink, Rough Sex, Praise Kink, Spanking, Dirty Talk

Kinktober - Tying a tie - Tumblr / AO3 🍂 [1.6k]

Summary: Javier resigns from the DEA. You both reflect on your life in Colombia while you help him get ready. You also discuss what is about to follow. Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Trauma, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Crying, Sad Javier Peña

Peluda - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐💌 [1.7k]

Summary: A snowstorm hits Bogotá and you bring back a surprise visitor. Javi is not amused. But, it leads to a realization about himself- and about you. Tags: Fluff, Nicknames, Soft Javi, Snow, Established Relationship

✮⋆˙ Marcus Acacius ˙⋆✮

Healing Hands - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️ [2k]

Summary: Acacius returns home with an injury—and you try to care for him. But his ideas of healing (and baths) are a little ... different. Especially when you finally have some time to yourselves. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Fingering, Creampie, Bathing

✮⋆˙ Joel Miller ˙⋆✮

Kinktober - Pegging - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️ [3k]

Summary: You and Joel run into a sex store on patrol. They have everything one needs to give their older, grumpy partner a good pregging. Aka Joel Miller gets his ass fucked for the first time in his life. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Pegging, First Time, Aftercare

Baby, I'm your National Anthem - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️ [3k]

Summary: You are back from college for the summer and your family happens to throw the annual Fourth of July Barbecue for your street. Your next-door neighbor and dad's best friend Joel Miller is invited—and you decide to wear a bold outfit. It definitely catches his attention. Tags: Smut, DBF!Joel, Age Difference, Semi-Public Sex, Dirty Talk

Kinktober - Nonsexual Ageplay - Tumblr / AO3 🍂💌 [2k]

Summary: When Joel brings back a book on trauma from patrol, something catches your eye. Having had too much of your childhood taken away by the outbreak, you find a way to get some of it back. Aka a soft Joel Miller making his partner feel safe enough to try nonsexual ageplay. Tags: SFW, Past Trauma, Age Difference, Nonsexual Ageplay

Kinktober - Wax Play - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [1.9k]

Summary: Joel and you are paired up for patrol. There are a lot of things unsaid, a snowstorm rolling in and some candles. Go figure (or go read i guess). Tags: Smut, Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Snowed in

Kinktober - Somnophilia - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2k]

Summary: In 2003, Joel Miller is busy with dishes, paperwork and raising a child, leaving little time for his relationship. When he gets restless and sneaks over to her house, finding his girl asleep, he remembers a conversation they had about consent. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Explicit Consent, Age Difference, Established Relationship, Secret Relationship, Aftercare, Crempie, Pre-Outbreak

Kinktober - Playing with hair - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂💌 [1k]

Summary: Joel works in construction in Jackson. During his lunch breaks, he always comes home to you. When you notice a talent of his you hadn't known about, he opens up about the past. Tags: Jackson Era, Established Relationship, Bathing/Washing, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Joel play guitar, Good Parent Joel

Kinktober - Massaging - Tumblr / AO3 🍂 [2.2k]

Summary: When Joel comes home after a long day of work, you crave nothing more than him. Until you're both reminded of his age. Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Age difference, Massage, Kissing, Healthy relationships

Kinktober - Familiar Scents - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2.4k]

Summary: Over the span of many years, Joel Millers scent always stays the same. It starts when he takes you for a hike before the Outbreak- and continues for long after. Tags: Friends to lovers, Age difference, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fingering, P in V Sex

Kinktober - Tooth Brushing - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂 [2.4k]

Summary: Grief is cruel and just because you and Joel live in the safe haven that is the Jackson community it does not mean you're immune to it. Possibly the saddest (but also kinda best) thing I have written so far. Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Protective Joel, Survivors Guilt

Kinktober - Crossdressing - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌 [2k]

Summary: Joel Miller has been wanting to try a different piece of clothing for a long time. It's not until you that he feels supported enough to do so. Turns out, you both really fucking like it. Tags: Smut, Fluff, Insecurity, Soft Joel, Slight Mommy Kink, Jackson Era, Sub Joel Miller

Kinktober - (Public) Help with button - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2.4k]

Summary: What happens in a dimly lit corner on the lap of Joel Miller at the town dance, stays at the town dance. Almost. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Vaginal Fingering, Public Sex, Teasing, Established Relationship, Age difference, Jackson Era

Kinktober - Daddy - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [2.6k]

Summary: Joel has been noticing a few things about your relationship that make him wonder about your feelings regarding your father. As you open up about your issues, he's sweet, supportive and makes you feel better in the way only he can. Tags: 2003!Joel Miller, Pre-Outbreak, Smut, Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Daddy Kink, Daddy Issues, Crying, Fingering, Cock Warming, P in V Sex, Secret Relationship

Kinktober - Free Use - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.9k]

Summary: Joel comes home urgently needing some relief. Its a good thing youre there- and the first time Joel makes use of an ... interesting agreement. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Free Use, Rough Sex, Light Dom/Sub, Dirty Talk, Angry Sex, Shower Sex, Baking, Female Reader, Established relationship

Snowy Surprise - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌 [2.2k]

Summary: Joel takes advantage of your lunch break on patrol for ... other activities. Afterwards, a promise he made about christmas decorations comes back to haunt him. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Fluff, Soft Joel, Established Relationship, Fingering, Dirty Talk, Semi-Public Sex

Here cums Santa Claus - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌 [1.8k]

Summary: Jackson needs a Santa Claus - and Joel is the perfect fit. Getting to have you on his lap is just a bonus. Aka the one where Joel is dressed up as Santa Claus and you get to ride him. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Fluff, Soft Joel, Established Relationship, Fingering, Dirty Talk, P in V Sex, Costume Kink, Riding, Creampie

✮⋆˙ Silva ˙⋆✮

Kinktober - Armpit + Orgasm Denial - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.6k]

Summary: When Silva comes home after a long day on the ranch, he smells amazing. He also distracts you from cooking in a quite special way. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Sweat, Praise Kink, Established Relationship, Oral Sex, P in V Sex

Kinktober - Dancing together - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂 [1.4k]

Summary: When a particularly hard rain hits your little ranch, so does the sadness. Luckily Silva is there to make it better.(This fills a few gaps in Silvas life in a way that ties in with the movie.) Tags: Established Relationship, Domestic, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Parent Silva, Romance, Kissing in the rain, Slow dancing

✮⋆˙ Oberyn Martell ˙⋆✮

Kinktober - Collaring - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [2k]

Summary: Oberyn gets you a special present, one that both of you will enjoy. But things dont always go as planned. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Established Relationship, Safeword Use, Hurt/Comfort

Kinktober - Breeding - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️🍂 [2k]

Summary: Oberyn and her have been trying for a baby to no avail. Ever the loving viper, he comes up with an idea. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Established Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Breeding, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink

Kinktober - Threesome - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [4.5k]

Summary: You are in charge of serving wine to the dornish folk at the kings wedding. A couple catches your eye and it may not be as one-sided as you thought at first. Aka the steaming hot threesome with Oberyn and Ellaria we all need. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Creampie, Threesome (FFM), Servant Reader, Aftercare, Porn with Plot

Kinktober - Washing hair - Tumblr / AO3 🍂 [1.7k]

Summary: A few weeks after you and Oberyn begin to try conceiving and days before he leaves for Kings Landing, he finds you cooling down in the baths during a hot day. Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Mild Smut, Bathing/Washing, Pregnancy, Established Relationship

Kinktober - Pregnancy - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [1.4k]

Summary: Oberyn has been more cautious around her now that the due date is near. He has to realize it's not what she wants. And who can deny the wishes of a pregnant woman? Tags: Smut, Pregnancy Sex, P in V Sex, Oral Sex, Romance, Fluff, Domestic, Established Relationship, Female Reader

✮⋆˙ Jack Daniels ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Eighteen - Spanking + Whipping - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️ [2.2k]

Summary: When you mess up during a mission, Jack doesn't want to have to report his own girlfriend. Since he is your higher-up, you work out an agreement- a punishment by Whiskey himself. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Spanking, Whipping, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink, Crying, Established Relationship, Rough Sex, Dom/Sub Undertones

Kinktober Day Twentythree - Deepthroating + Facesitting - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.9k]

Summary: You've never deepthroated anyone in your life- but you're eager to make your man feel as good as possible. You receive a proper thank you as well. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink, Deepthroating, Facesitting, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Aftercare, Established Relationship

✮⋆˙ Pedro Pascal ˙⋆✮

Here with me - Tumblr / AO3 🍂💌 [1.2k]

Summary: During his time in Morrocco, Pedro finds himself in need of reassurance. You are happy to help. Tags: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Insecurities, Age Difference

I'll look after you - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂💌 [2k]

Summary: Pedro is sick (but of course he doesn't admit it). You look after him. Hurt/Comfort (but the twist is that you're the one doing the comforting). Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Emotional, Established Relationship

✮⋆˙ Agent Ortega ˙⋆✮

Agents don't have favorites - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [2.6k]

Summary: Agent Ortega visits the Emerald Palace, but finds the woman tending to the horses more interesting than those tending to the men. After he leaves for a while, he comes back to an unwanted surprise. Aka its emotional but also they fuck. Tags: Explicit, Referenced Non-Con Elements, Hurt/Comfort, Smut

Kinktober - Shoe Shining + NTR (Cheating) - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️🍂 [2.2k]

Summary: Ortega returns to Brimstone. When he gets a shoe shine from a past flame, who is now married, things get complicated. Tags: Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Cheating, Rough Sex, Spanking, Aftercare, Creampie, Dirty Talk

✮⋆˙ Dieter Bravo ˙⋆✮

Kinktober - Titfucking - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂 [1.7k]

Summary: Dieter is alone in quarantine and begs you to come join him. Even with a few obstacles, you treat him the way he deserves. Tags: Explicit, Smut, Titfucking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Kinktober - Watersports - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.7k]

Summary: Dieter is on edge because of an upcoming premiere and as his personal assistant, you try to keep him calm as well as sober. There is one thing that may help. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Semi-Public, Assistant Reader, Alcohol, Watersports, Dom/Sub Undertones

✮⋆˙ Frankie Morales ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Six - Frottage - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.4k]

Summary: After a flying lesson, you find yourself drawn to the man in the pilot seat. Luckily for you, Frankie knows exactly what you need. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship

✮⋆˙ Din Djarin ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Nine - Gloryhole - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [1.6k]

Summary: Din just wants some quick pleasure. You just want to enjoy your job for once. Both of you get more than you bargained for. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Prostitution, Oral Sex, Strangers, Semi-Public

✮⋆˙ Javi Gutierrez ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Twentyone - Lingerie - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌 [2.1k]

Summary: Javi usually gets the movie memorabilia he loves so much for his birthday. This year, he gets something infinitely better. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Birthday Sex, Lingerie, Kissing, Fluff, Praise Kink, Dirty Talk, Vaginal Fingering, P in V Sex

✮⋆˙ Tim Rockford ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Twentynine - Breathplay - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️ [2.1k]

Summary: After a successful case, everyone goes out to celebrate. Everyone except your boss, Tim Rockford. But, with an empty office to make use of, you both find your own way to celebrate. Tags: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Choking, Coworker Reader, Female Reader, Office Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Secret Relationship

216 notes · View notes

dear-ao3 · 6 months ago

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🇺🇸🇺🇸its friday then its saturday sunday WHAT🇺🇸🇺🇸 🇺🇸🇺🇸ITS FRIDAY THEN ITS SATURDAY SUNDAY WHAT🇺🇸🇺🇸

what the fuck is a kilometer everyone! in case you couldn't tell, this week were in miami, florida, usa. shit hit the fan big time (probably cause its Florida), penalties were dished out, questionable guests were invited, history was certainly made, celebrations were beyond had and silly season was positively sillying. today is may 10th and lets stage dive right in. and trust me, youre gonna wanna read this one :)

please note: i think this is the longest one weve had so far. i hit the photo and video limit. i was terrified i was going to hit the line limit as well.

so. the miami race. its another sprint weekend. back to back sprints. who thought that was a good idea. idk. wasnt me.

this is only the third time there has been a race in miami. and miami has already made its mark. both of the previous times f1 has gone there there were batshit bonkers things happening. especially in 2022:

-lando and daniel did a whole bit with james corden, the very origin of this look:

-sebastian vettel protested the fia mandating (trying to mandate? im not sure) inspecting drivers underwear to make sure that it was fireproof by wearing underwear on top of his race suit. his logic was essentially, well were all adults here and we can make desisions for ourselves, the fia has other shit to worry about (look it up if you want the whole story)

-sir lewis hamilton protested the fia jewelry ban by showing up to the press conference wearing what seems to be every piece of jewelry he had on hand. at the time, he was getting fined for wearing a nose stud in the car while other people were wearing wedding rings (apparently) (there is more to this story, look it up if you want, for now tho were just using it to set the miami scene as a race that has never known peace)

and also, fernando alonso served massive amounts of cunt in miami back in 2004:

on account of the fact that it is florida, this is also where the weird sort of washed up celebrities usually appear (you know the ones who are not cool enough to make it to monaco but still somehow end up at a gp?) and there were definitely several of those. ill talk about them later. so anyway, like most races, miami is usually a trip.

now that the scene is set, lets get some lights on. prior to the race, we had a....wide variety of stuff happen.

and lets just start with lando. hes back being a pr menace again.

so lando is friends with this dj named martin garrix. he did that song animals that had clubs in a chokehold back in like 2014. anyway. he is dutch. this will play a role momentarily. lando has toured around with martin before, notably over winter break on his frat boy pose world tour that i mentioned a good many several updates ago.

so earlier this week was kings day in amsterdam. aka the kings birthday. and a good excuse to wear orange and party. lando likes to party and mclarens team color is orange (dont come for me i know its Technically papaya), and hes friends with a dutch dj. so kings day found him on a boat in amsterdam having a regular old Time. (slight flash warning)

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A post shared by Lando Norris ➍ (@4.norris)

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anyway, brief tangent to say that one of the people he was on the boat with was none other than eva gutowski? the mylifeaseva youtuber? from like 2012? with the literally my life is beaches every single night, messy buns and christmas lights song? yeah not on my bingo board to see her, martin garrix and lando norris all partying on a boat in an amsterdam canal together, but cest la vie i suppose!

all was going well for lando until this photo started circulating:

turns out he did not break his nose, he somehow just managed to cut it on some smashed glass. presumably by smashing a glass into his face, as he later mimed to max during the drivers parade. thankfully that meant that he was going to be able to drive in miami!

his official statement to the press during media day was its "a little bit silly. looked a lot worse, everyone thought it was horrendous and it was just a little cut. I wish i had a cooler story, but sadly its not"

martin garrix later said that it was from a cup that had a chip on the rim and he took a sip from it and the rum cut his nose, but because of the placement it started bleeding a lot and they put bandaids on it and then someone mummied him with the gauze, someone else took a citure of it which went viral and everyone (including mclaren) saw it and thought that martin had broken his nose.

in a mclaren video that he did later on with oscar, he jokes that he had gotten a nose job.

aside from that, lando also went to the miami heat game. so did some other drivers (like pierre), but his teammate oscar also went.

you might be wondering oh thats nice, did they go together?

well. look at the comparison of where they were sitting:

lando has court side tickets and is dressed like a frat boy (complete with a nose bandage) and oscar is seemingly on the other side of the court about 10-15 rows up. i sincerely doubt the other knew they were going.

moving on from mclaren. we have mercedes.

for some reason, and i really could not tell you why, merc decided to create an emoji car on WhatsApp and premier it on the empire state building. yes, on it.

toto and lewis flipped the switch themselves, and it looked vaguely like a wedding photo or baby announcement or something equally insane.

lewis also got to drive on 5th avenue:

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aparently he was told by the mayor of new york to Not do doughnuts but well, hes lewis hamilton, and he did them anyway and said hey guys its not my fault that i had to do doughnuts its the Car's fault cause i cant really u turn in it

and side note, in case you are wondering, the marks from his doughnuts are still there (at least as of may 4 cause i marched my ass down 5th avenue when i was in the city this weekend and gazed upon them. would recommend)

reguardless of just how much lewis slayed though, the emoji car did look decently silly:

the mercedes social media admin, who are notoriously bonkers, also shitted on how shit the actual merc f1 car is by making their twitter bio to "home of the whatsapp emoji car"

george was notably nowhere to be found at the emoji car reveal in the city (i know hes in the photo, that was from the race weekend itself) worry not everyone, we will get to him later.

meanwhile, alpine.

in case you need a refresher, alpine are not doing too hot at all. theyre doing pretty bad actually. but, people own stake in the team. and one of those people happens to be travis kelce, football player for the kansas city chiefs and taylor swifts boyfriend.

idk why he owns stake in alpine, but he does. and leading up to the race, reportedly, he and taylor were going to be in the paddock at the alpine garage. this was all very much according to rumors, but it was rumored to be plausible because this would be the last weekend taylor has off before the next leg of the international eras tour starts.

why do we care if taylor is in the paddock?

well.

a decent chunk of fernando alonso's internet presence is entirely based around the insane omg hes dating taylor swift rumors. (he wasnt, but as we saw in the last update, the social media team can really get him to play into it) and wouldn't it just be hilarious if they were in the same place, but thwarted by estie bestie and pierre gasley??

taylor though did not end up in the paddock. but travis kelce did. but there will be a weird celebrities section later.

checo was asked aparently what taylor swift album was his favorite. he said that he was in his tortured poets department era because it was hot. i dont have a source for this one, y'all are just going to have to trust me that it actually happened.

yuki also shoved a bunch of footballs under his shirt on media day: (unfortunately i seem o have lost the link to this video)

and this weekend was logan's home race. technically, cause hes american, he has three home races, but since this one is in miami and hes grew up a hop skip and a jump away in fort lauderdale, this is the one that really counts for him. and they made him do some interesting pr including wearing a duracell sorts bra over a shirt to play soccer with a bunch of professional soccer players (idk who they are ok, sue me ig)

he also quizzed alex albon on america slang. but it wasnt really american slang, it was more like tiktok slang. reguardless, we got to hear logan stay stuff like pookie and no cap.

also. tom brady was in the Williams garage. he looked like he would murder for logan sargeant. (to be fair so dod jenson button)

and. on a more somber note. this weekend was also the 30th anniversary of ayrton senna's death. senna was a Brazilian driver in the 80s and 90s and won the championship in 88, 90 and 91. he died during a crash in the 1994 imola gp while racing for williams. (he was also not the only driver to die that weekend, with roland ratzenberger dying the previous say during the qualifying session). (again though this happened 30 years ago and i dont have time to talk about it on this post, if you want to know the full details of that entire very tragic weekend you can read about it here)

senna is famously known for the line "if you no longer go for a gap that exists you are no longer a racing driver." this will become relevant later.

sebastian vettel made an instagram announcement saying that he was going to be driving one of sennas cars at the imola gp this year in honor of ayrton sennas memory. why is he the one doing it? because im pretty sure he owns the car

aside from that. before we get into the really good juicy shit. we also had some new pet pics.

zhou posted some new pictures of his cat sweetcorn and charles's dog leo continues to serve lost in the sauce realness:

and we learned that valtteri has a reindeer named rosa

leo was also featured in charles's instagram post from miami and yes Technically this was from After the race but its my post and i can do what i want so heres leo:

he posted these photos, plus a few more on his instagram with the caption:

"he is very fast, he is very cool, he is very scary and very brave, he is everything. Leo 👑🤍"

which is just. heart melting. also his dog has a paddock pass?????

lance stroll has a new sponsor, its krown produce.

charles leclerc once again pulled up to the track in a fancy little sports car that was decked out in maimi ferrari blue and failed to park it

george russell nearly killed ed sheeran on a hot lap

and that of course takes us to the washed up celebrities. there were many famous people there but im just going to touch on the unholy trinity of (and yes i am being serious here) jake paul, james charles and the previous president of the united states of America.

now. while it is baffling that jake was in the ferrari garage (and seemingly a charles leclerc fan and also who on earth told him that beard looked good?) and understandably hilarious that max and checo clearly are scared of james charles, the trump thing is decently upsetting.

here, once again, is where i will interject my opinion.

should they have done this? fuck no. aside from what trump stands for (in case you are somehow unfamiliar, hes being tried for several crimes and also wants to destroy democracy and is trying to run for president again this year, to put it very very mildly he is controversial especially to americans and this was an american race) f1 is supposed to be a non political sport (a rule put in place by the fia following lewis hamilton and sebastian vettel speaking out for black lives matter and gay rights respectfully)

and mclaren did make a statement about this which said:

"mclaren is a non political organization however we recognize and respect the office of the president of the united states. so when the request was made to visit our garage on race day we accepted alongside the president of the fia and the ceos of liberty media and formula 1. we were honored that mcalren racing was chosen as the representative of f1 which gave us the opportunity to showcase the world class engineering that we bring to motorsport"

which makes it sound at least to me like this was not their idea to invite him and if the fia president is saying hey this guys coming to your garage you cant really exactly say no to him (should they have fought it? yes. mclaren might be a british team but zak brown is american and he also follows trump on instagram so at the very least he Definitely knew what message this would send if no one else did)

lando was asked about his presence and im not going to quote his response here cause simply i dont want to take up more space writing about trump than i need to. but i will say that he looked uncomfortable during the question (which also shouldnt have been allowed to be asked in the first place) and at the end he kind of looks at Charles and shrugs like "idk man" and yes his response is not worded very well and im not saying that he supports trump, im also not saying he doesnt. i dont know the guy. but i would like to take this moment to remind everyone of a few years ago when lando did defend lewis on social media and called out people who were being racist towards him and remind everyone that he was one of very few drivers to kneel at a race in support of black lives matter. not everyone participated and also not everyone of those participants kneeled. so do with this information what you will. if you want to see his response it can be found here

but obviously, we are all here for the racing. so lets get into it.

miami saw two special liveries.

rb dropped their livery with zero lead up and pretty much as a total surprise. it fucking slayed:

on instagram someone asked why they didnt hype it. the vcarb admin responded with "no need to hype when you can COOK! 🧑‍🍳"

this was definitely a dig at ferrari who also did a special miami livery that they hyped up to no end. like seriously, it was stupidly drawn out. china had barely ended and they were like hey. psst. hey guys. to distract you all from the fact that this was the first time all season we haven't been on the podium we've got a little secret. were bringing back the blue for the miami race!

and everyone was like huh?! theyre going blue!!! how cool!!!

and it did seem like it would be cool. they revealed the suits first:

and then they talked relentlessly about the two colors they were using and how important they are to historical ferrari and blah blah blah

and then carlos and charles did special edition blue helmets and we were all like ok ok its serious omg its real ok this is going to be like dinoco lightning McQueen!

and then. they revealed this: (please imagine that one dan howell womp boat noise esque sound effect here)

which is just. a disappointment. really. the blue looks kind of gray. we could have had it all but we lost it.

and will buxton, who i have talked about before hes one of the sky sports presenters, had this to say about the whole blue car ordeal, which is just so real of him:

"ferrari have been teasing this livery for ages oOooOooo its gonna be blue!!! going back to north america! in 1964 ferrari ran a... well not to get too complicated but they ran a blue and white livery in north america, mainly because they were upset with the italian federation and the fia who failed to validate one of their sports cars... ANYWAY so they ran a blue and white car, ferrari have decided to may homage to the history by....not doing that kind of a livery at all. just...chucking on some light blue and some other blue. bit of a mish mash hodge podge weirdness that doesnt really work. BUT the overalls look Amazing. the shirts look Amazing. im not a fan of the car livery, i just think its a Mess. its a Mess, like you could have done something Classic and Beautiful kinda like that *gestures to his shoes* blue and white!"

will buxton, everyone!! and before you ask, yes that is exactly how he speaks. you can watch that clip here if you dont believe me.

and you might be noticing one or two or eight or actually 15 hp logos on that car. (personally i think they did blue for the hp not for north america but thats just me) and that is because hp is now a title sponsor of ferrari. they are now scuderia ferrari hp. and yes, the hp logo on the suits makes it look like they are telletubbies and yes everyone in italy is like hello Why did we do this and for those answers we will have to get straight into silly season

now. silly season has officially started. i know everyone was like oh it wont Really Start until merc decide whos got the second seat. well throw that straight out the window like a snake in a bag cause theres a new contender in town:

adrian newey.

we've talked about him before. hes the chief technical officer of red bull racing. hes a very good car designer and aerodynamicist.

how good is he? you might be asking. allow me to enlighten you:

newey joined williams in 1991. in 1992 they won the constructors championship. they won again in 1993 and 1994. and 1996 and 1997.

newey joined mclaren in 1997. in 1998 they won the constructors championship and in 1999 they won the drivers.

newey joined red bull in 2006. red bull won the constructors championship in 2010. and again in 2011, 2012 and 2013. then again in 2021 (drivers only, not constructors), 2022 and 2023.

he has helped to build 14 championship winning cars. soon to be 15 if max wins this season again.

well! mr newey has decided that he has had enough of the weird red bull politics (reportedly he didnt like how the assault thing got swept under the rug and largely ignored and tbh good for him) and he has announced that he is leaving red bull at the end of the year.

despite the fact that it really seems like newey is leaving Because of christian (at least somewhat indirectly), christian had this to say about him:

"for me, when adrian joined red bull, he was already a superstar designer. two decades and 13 championships later he leaves as a true legend. he is also my friend and someone i will be eternally grateful to for everything he brought to our partnership. all of our greatest moments from the past 20 years have come with adrian's hand on the technical tiller. the legacy he leaves behind will echo through the halls of milton keynes and the rb17 track car will be a fitting testament and legacy to his time with us."

horner did claim that this was "coming for some time" and was not a result of tensions at red bull

now thats all fine and dandy and slightly ironic but where is newey going?

the short answer is, we dont know!

the long answer is that there have been rumors that he has talked to basically every team on the grid. there is also speculation that he will retire. but the rumors about this are kinda funny and literally every day someone is claiming something different.

at the start, we knew it was likely going to be aston martin or ferrari signing him. but now seemingly everyone has talked to him.

important to note that theres a whole lot of clauses and technicalities on him signing with another team because of how the cars are built and when they are built. originally it was proposed that he would not be able to work on a car until 2027, but it seems that red bull agreed to an exit that allows him to join a rival team as soon as he departs red bull in early 2025.

so who wants him?

-reportedly lawrence stroll wanted him to sign with aston martin. i haven't heard anything about this in awhile but aparently they asked fernando Alonso about this this weekend. newey had said before that he would like to work with fernando. i cant find the link but i think that newey previously said that he doesnt like lawrence stroll

-toto wolff is desperately trying to get his grubby little hands on adrian and at this point its so funny. aparently adrian doesnt want to work with toto cause he also doesnt like him and he also doesnt want to work with the team in a post lewis state (rip) and he thinks it might take merc too long to get back on top and after a long time at red bull, he doesnt want to be with a team that long again. this has not stopped toto from trying to sign him tho. its still rumored that newey might be talking to merc after the miami race.

-williams aparently has also talked to mr newey. its no secret that williams absolutely suck right now. so they need all the help they can get. which is essentially what james vowels said about talking to newey: "I think we as Williams have a huge amount of work to do. Adrian or not, our task is enormous -- and Adrian wouldn't make it easier, but that's the whole point." he said that discussions with adrian have been "light" but there still have been discussions

-zak brown of mclaren has also talked about how he is "not surprised" that newey decided to leave red bull at all and thinks it is in fact because of christian (aparently lots of people have left red bull to go to other teams) and he has seen an "increase in cvs" coming from red bull employees at mclaren. (its also implied that zak thinks this might cause red bull to eventually leave the grid, remember that they are just an energy drink company after all) it doesnt Seem like mclaren have been talking about signing newey, but whos to really say at this point (toto wolff also agrees with zak on increase in cvs and was quoted as saying "zak is absolutely correct, we are seeing red bull cv's though all the levels" and then horner clapped back with a statement that toto should be more worried since red bull poached "over 200 staff from the mercedes engine department"

-there was also weird hinting about newey from stake??? of all teams??? in the form of this instagram video that they posted which unfortunately i cant insert in here cause i have more important videos that take precedence but from what i van understand its a video of several stake employees doing tests very very distractedly to an audio from the kardashians dishing tea and dirt, with the caption "Us when there’s Adrian Newey rumours in the paddock 👀" (red bull commented on this video with " Everyone is an Adrian Newey fan 💁"

-also pierre gasley posted an instagram photo in his miami dump with newey. which is interesting timing.

-there is also the chance that he could retire. newey said, in response to lewis and charles complimenting him "im very flattered by their words, at the moment I just want to take a break. we'll see..." and a reporter (dont know how reliable this reporter is) named jeremy clarkson from the sun said "late last year, newey started working on a new sailing boat. and as hes now 65 years old, who knows? he might just decide to be better off and spend the autumn of his years sailing around the world in that"

-and the last people we know who are really Interested are ferrari. and this is an interesting one. from an outside perspective, it seems like ferrari have the best chance. they have reportedly offered newey a contract of 100 million euros for four years and there have been rumors that fred vasseur has met with him in london. and even other rumors that he is actually going to ferrari. newey has also said that he wishes he had worked with lewis hamilton during his career, and that happens to be where lewis is going next year.

but when looking at ferrari, we need to consider something else. the hp sponsor.

now. this is all speculation. it is also mostly all my own personal speculation, but i needed to include it so forgive me.

people have been speculating and wondering why ferrari would accept a title sponsor. they have had them before with Marlboro, and mission winnow. and now we have hp. but there were a few years in the middle of mission winnow and hp where there was no title sponsor. now they have one and they are scuderia ferrari hp.

this is interesting. especially when you consider that hp is rumored to be covering "about 66% of the teams budget cap."

this is estimated to be about the same amount of money as red bulls oracle title sponsorship, which is 90 million a year, roughly.

now. come with me down the rabbit hole for a moment. i invite you in.

lets first look at the facts. ferrari announced lewis would be driving for them in 2025 on feb 1, 2024. but we know the contract was signed sometime in january and the talks must have predated that. reportedly, theyre paying lewis a whole fucking lot.

but! i dont think they would have promised to pay him money that they didnt have. hence, i dont think that the hp sponsorship was signed to afford lewis. also, again this was back in january and its now may.

the horner situation blew up inearly february, right after it was announced that lewis had signed with ferrari. and yes there had been some speculation that newey was leaving the team before then, but then it became more official, with newey only making it known it was a real possibility within the last month.

i propose that ferrari had only planned to sign lewis initially and they had the money for it, hence why they did it. but as soon as it became clear that newey was also on the table (which again, wasnt until recently) that must have sparked the search for a title sponsor. (again, i know these things take time, but i really dont think this was a thing pre lewis contract)

so. im thinking that ferrari partnered with hp to help them afford newey.

and! if you doubt me!!! look at what lewis had to say at the press conference this weekend!!!

"id love to work with him in the future, he'd absolutely be at the top of [the list]"

like LOOK at that SMIRK. he knows things. we've seen this smirk before. when he was signing with ferrari. im telling you all. 8th world drivers championship for lewis. its coming. its happening. i feel it in my toes.

anyway, back to what's really going on and not just my unadulterated opinion.

silly season.

our next driver contract was signed. and it was nico hulkenberg for audi. now audi will not be an official team until 2026 (they are replacing stake) so. this means three things:

there is now an open seat at haas for someone new to enter the team (likely for ollie bearman, who is already a reserve driver, will have 6 practice sessions with haas and replaced carlos in saudi) (kevin magnussen was asked what he thought about this and he said "i’m not really here to take care of young kids, you know? I do that at home...so, hopefully, the guy we have in the car will be competent, professional, and consistent like Nico has been, and we’ll see if I’ll be in the other car."

since nico is singing at sauber for 2025 and its understood that he technically singed with Audi so, this means he has at minimum a 2 year contract

either valtteri or zhou will lose their sauber seat to nico hulkenberg

as people online pointed out this has massive parallels to 2013 when lewis hamilton joined a new team, nico hulkenberg joined sauber, there was a massive regulation change for the nest year and it was the fourth season of red bull dominance. of course, 2013 was also the last year of the red bull dominance before it got passed off to merc. so does that mean .... red bull will lose their dominance in the rrew 2026 regulation changes without newey??? will history once again repeat????

valtteri said that he is "speaking to multiple teams. some talks have advanced more than the others"

also talking to audi, we know, was carlos sainz. reportedly audi offered him a fuckton of money. and also reportedly, carlos has rejected the offer. he seems to be holding out for merc or red bull. but there have been several statements from people at audi that carlos is still their prime target. dont know how accurate that actually is.

yuki tsunoda is reportedly on audis short list of drivers. we will see if he gets offered something now that carlos has reportedly rejected audis offer.

carlos is still unemployed.

and what of max verstappen?

well. he seems generally unbothered. despite the fact that toto is still actively trying to recruit him.

he is supposed to have a conversation with mercedes on monday (may 6) about moving to merc. they reportedly want to offer max a ridiculously high salary. (for context, i think max is making around 55 million USD per year now and is (likely) the highest paid driver) (this does not include money from sponsorships either)

what the number is is disputed. some reports say 160 million USD. some day 270 million USD. whatever the real number is, it is high. theres also rumors that they would bring in helmet marko for him.

heres what max had to say earlier this week:

"250 million euros? no. im happy with what im earningg already. if youre driving for p5 or p6, you get quite grumpy. its always about performances at the end of the day, everyone knows that and toto knows that."

essentially. he doesnt care if hes making a shit ton of money and loosing when he could be making a bit less of a shitton of money and winning. worth pointing out, we really dont know anything because toto said this earlier this week as well:

"people make up meetings, make up what's happening with the drivers but those things should be behind closed doors and everything thats been out there was not really the right thing."

christian horner, of course, had a response to all of this. because he cannot resist a good cat fight with toto wolff:

"why on earth would you want to leave [red bull]? mercedes are the third team, behind their customers at the moment. i dont think toto's problems are his drivers. his time would be better spent perhaps focusing on [mercedes] rather than the driver market"

and hes right about some of it. but also there are plenty of good reasons to leave red bull given what happened earlier this year and the power dynamic theyre stuck in, as we have seen many people doing (reportedly via zak brown) including adrian newey.

and, you might be wondering, didnt merc want to sign kimi antonelli at one point? and you are right. and funny you should mention him.

he did a test drive of the 2022 (? might have been 2021 ive seen conflicting reports) merc car i think it was just before chinese gp. and his one lap time record was a 1:21.00. people have compared this to george russells personal fastest lap in the 2022 car which was in imola and was a 1:20.962. now theres a lot that goes into a lap and these were on two different tracks and track conditions were different and all that. not to mention that in imola when george did that lap it was sorta wet ish and the fuel loads were different and a million other things. it is still though impressive.

(but lets remember when daniel tested the red bull last year before he replaced de vries he was a tenth off max verstappen and now hes struggling for points so)

now. there are also rampant rumors that kimi is going to replace logan sargeant for the imola gp. which is the race after miami. the rumors speculate that merc is going to loan kimi to Williams (remember they all have the same engines so this isn't unheard of) for 2024 and 2025 and then have kimi join merc in 2026.

this is unlikely, but then the fia reportedly received a request to allow kimi his super license, which they would need to get special permission for because he is under 18 until august 25. reportedly, both toto and james vowels denied that they made this request. which is interesting. well, it was explicitly denied by toto, james just said that kimi would not be racing for williams at imola.

james vowels, williams team principal, was asked about this possibility on media days and he said that logan would not be replaced:

"lets put it this way. I haven't spoken to kimi since abu dhabi last year. hopefully that puts it in context, i knoe nothing about what's going on. with mercedes tests right now. we are looking, as everyone else is, for where we wanna be on driver line up for next year. sane we have our own young driver program. in the case of kimi, i cant really adjudicate the level hes at. in case of him coming into the car this year, ive always said from the beginning its a meritocracy, logan has to earn his seat and at the moment he has sone tough targets where he was to get much closer to alex but there was nothing on the radar at the moment for replacing him."

now, its already regarded that williams wrecked logans career by taking him out of f2 before he was ready (he was supposed to have another year in f2) so it would be bad for them to wreck two peoples careers in a row.

nico rosberg had something to say on the matter of kimi last week:

"antonelli is definitely a superstar of the future, but unfortunately timing wise its really too early for him, and especially too early for toto to be able to make a decision. i mean, he needs to wait until somewhat later in the year as we see how antonelli does in f2 also, because he does need a really strong season in f2 to even make it a possibility for him to go straight to mercedes"

cause remember, merc doesnt usually sign rookies. actually they never have. they've only ever had michael schumacher, nico rosberg, sir lewis hamilton, valtteri bottas and george russell drive for them. nico, valtteri and george were previously at williams, lewis came in already a world champion from mclaren with one of the strongest rookie seasons in f1 history and michael schumacher was, well, michael fucking schumacher. no rookies to be seen.

aside from all that. theres some rumors that gunther steiner wants to take over the vcarb team with investors. and that hes suing haas for essentially not paying him.

now. ive already said a million times on this post that lando and oscar are perpetually unbothered by silly season in the funniest way possible. but now we have two new contenders for that spot: our friends the mercedes drivers.

that is right! sir lewis hamilton couldnt give less of a fucking shit this year. maybe its cause he finally knows that hes going to be free of the absolutely ass mercedes car after this year and have a decent and real shot at winning again next year at ferrari, esp if they're going to sign adrian newey.

well. at the beginning of the season he was giving no shits and signing ferrari caps left right and center. then, aparently mercedes pr yelled at him for this, and hes now only allowed to sign mercedes hats only. video link to this is here. this has not stopped lewis. he now wears a bracelet that says "forza ferrari"

he was also tits out pretty much all weekend, which is not unusual, but its good to see him slay:

and then we have george russell.

george, as we know, will be staying at mercedes for 2025. and as we also know, the mercedes second seat is a hot item in the paddock. Everyone has been speculated to be going to mercedes. from max to carlos to kimi to even esteban ocon. toto is reportedly trying to spend over a hundred million dollars on getting a second driver and trying to sign adrian newey. the current car is a shit box.

and what, pray tell, is george up to in all of this???

hes chilling, tits out, on a beach:

not an absolute care in the world.

but. with all this in mind. with all of that in mind. lets dive into practice 1.

i didnt actually watch practice 1, but my sister did and she sent me some notes.

the most interesting thing to happen at practice 1 was that charles went for a little spin on the track because his clutch decided to give up because his car overheated, resulting in a red flag. he did not restart the practice session and only did 3 laps in total. not great when you remember the next thing is a sprint qualifying session. also, he asked his engineer what he should do. and his engineer kinda ghosted him.

there were also a slew of upgrades on various cars.

pierre now has all the upgrades that esteban has (which is mostly a lighter chassis), mercedes had an upgrade as well, but everyone was really looking at mclaren.

mercedes also had upgrades. as we would see throughout the weekend, they basically did nothing.

mclaren pretty much revamped their whole car. lando had the full update and oscar had about half and would get the other half for imola (the next race). the update included changes to the:

front wing

front suspension

front corner

floor body

sidepod inlet

coke/engine cover

cooling louvres

rear suspension

rear corner

beam wing

all in all to say, it was a lot of upgrades. according to zak brown, oscar, who had half the upgrades, was running .2 seconds a lap slower than lando was on set up alone. despite this, oscar still took p2 in practice. only .105 seconds behind max verstappen. unfortunately, lando was tweaking the set up during practice and was not able to do a flying lap, so heading into the sprint qualifying we didnt know how fast the full upgrade package actually was. but given oscars pace, we could only assume that it was fast.

moving onto the sprint qualifying

first of all. it was hot. fucking hot as hell. this meant several things, the most important one being that the cars were going to absolutely eat the tires. the first two quarters of qualifying were all done on medium tires, so it wasnt as much of a problem, but the last quarter was done on softs (as per the rules) which were only good for one lap.

valtteri bottas had a new race engineer starting this race and at one point he failed to tell valtteri while he was changing some settings that oscar piastri was coming up behind him at full speed and the two of them nearly collided. but they did not. there was no contact between the two cars. valtteri did though get a three place grid penalty for the sprint race. later on, zak brown referred to the incident as a "alpha make turf war." i am not making this up i promise.

logan sargeant, everyones favorite poor little meow meow, was down in 20th at the end of q1 (but did managed to go fastest in the third sector of the track) and was thus knocked out. his teammate, alex albon, was up in p16 (and also knocked out). but!!! alex got his lap time deleted for violating track limits (literally he just drove over the whole chicane, didnt even bother to turn) which knocked him down to p20 and logan up to p19. it also meant that for the first time EVER logan had out qualified his teammate

despite this, he still called himself a dumb fuck over the radio and slammed his hand on his car

someone (maybe it was martin bundle?) was telling everyone that when he did a hot lap with george around the track earlier, george was telling him that there was one section of the track at turn 16 where the sponsor boards around the edge of the track turn into a darker purple and george was saying that it was harder to judge there where the wall was because of the color change. and the commentators deliberated over whether or not this could be a legit thing.

but then one by one, pretty much everyone rammed into the wall. including sir lewis hamilton who, according to martin brundle "made more mistakes in that sector than he used to in a season." he got out in q2.

and then all eyes were on george russell, who might just be able to save merc, but, he was running a little slower than he needed to be and crofty said "george russell might make it a double miserable day for mercedes and he did” and he was out in q2 as well. the camera cut to toto sitting in the garage and he looked Less Than Pleased. and then merc also got investigated for their pit crew not wearing their helmets when lewis came through the pit lane.

so heading into q3 there were a butt ton of pissed off drivers that were out. how do we know they were pissed off? well when they got out of the car and walked down the pit lane, they all still had their helmets on, which i believe it was one nico rosberg said once meant that they were pissed and didnt want to deal with the cameras.

but the 10 people who were still in were all sitting in their garages. waiting.

waiting for what? for the session to be half over so they could all go out and get in everyone else's way. because remember, they are all on soft tires and the soft tires are only good for one lap. everyone came out of the garages with about 4 minutes left. so everyone had one shot to get a good lap.

lando norris had been p1 in both of the previous rounds while he was on the medium tires, but now that he was on the soft tires he couldn't find the pace. or, perhaps it was that his tires were not warm enough, because he did manage to go fastest in the last sector of everyone.

which meant, of course, that max verstappen pulled out a p1. he was very surprised that he managed it because he had a screw up at one point where he lost time. upon being told that he was in fact in pole position he said "lol, what happened to the others? that was terrible! ill take it" in his post interview he as asked how his lap felt and he said "to be honest with you it felt pretty terrible" would this be an omen for max? idk lets find out!

most surprising out of everything was daniel ricciardo managing to get p4. not only did he out qualify his teammate, but he hasn't been that high up on the grid since the texas gp in 2023. he was positively Thrilled with it to. he did his little "KI KI KI AY AY AY" over the radio and in his interview after said that "we belong towards the front, so happy for everyone"

max also stared at charles's ass afterwards

and for some reason, before the sprint race, lando cohosted a yoga session on a beach that was sponsored by hilton???

yeah man i have no idea either. he kept saying he didnt like the sand and brushed off his hands a million and seven times. (this was also funny cause it was star wars day (may 4th))

youtube

and the next day everyone geared up for the sprint race. and it was fucking bonkers. i know i say lots of things are bonkers. this one takes the cake. it was a race of penalties. with the first one going to esteban ocon before he even made it to the grid for running into charles leclerc in the pitlane and breaking his front wing.

everyone pulled up to the grid in their starting order:

p1: max p2: charles p3: checo p4: daniel p5: carlos p6: oscar p7: lance p8: fernando p9: lando p10: nico p11: george p12: lewis p13: esteban p14: kevin p15: yuki p16: pierre p17: zhou p18: logan p19: alex p20: valtteri

martin brundle was discussing tires. specifically he was discussing the importance of warning up the tires. saying that the tires need to go through a "heat cycle." which is just. such a choice of words. i know this is probably a real legit term. but sir, i grew up on tumblr.com. such sentences are jarring.

and then the lights went out. away they went. and immediately it all went to hell in a flaming hot hand basket.

the aston martins of fernando and lance decides to kiss, lewis went for a gap and knocked into them and that whole kerfuffle shoved lando off the track in turn one.

this brought out an immediate yellow flag and left the rest of the midfield picking up the pieces.

"whoa," fernando said over the radio, 'hamilton arrived like a bull!"

"i think you'll find it was your teammate that arrived like a bull first," crofty said up in the commentary box. "and then hamilton came and doubled the trouble."

meanwhile, in his own car, hamilton said "there was a gap on the inside so i took it," all but dedicating his move to the late and great ayrton senna

reguardless of whos fault it really was, the stewards didnt care because they chose not to investigate it further. zak brown thought that this was stupid because it was clearly a driver error.

lando gave no shits even though he had been knocked out of the race at no fault of his own and decided that he was going to walk across the track after he got out of the car. that walk later cost him 50,000 dollars worth of fines. thankfully. the damage on his car was minor. meaning he could still do qualifying for the race later in the afternoon.

in addition to lando, lance stroll was forced to retire his car as well. and fernando alonso had a tire puncture.

later on lando said "nothing i could have done. i think today we payed the price for being around others that are careless..... ill get it back tomorrow."

a safety car was called on lap three to clear the damage.

when the safety car ended on lap 4, the grid had been properly shuffled up:

p1: max p2: charles p3: daniel p4: checo p5: carlos p6: oscar p7: ncio p8: kevin p9: lewis p10: yuki p11: pierre p12: logan p13: zhou p14: george p15: valtteri p16: alex p17: esteban p18: fernando

and a reminder: in a sprint race, only down to 8th place gets points. this will become a key detail.

on lap 5 checo overtook daniel, putting daniel into 4th infront of carlos sainz.

now, one thing you need to know about danny rics is that hes a late brake king. meaning that he knows Exactly how to milk the most out of his car by pushing it to the last possible second before braking into the turns, giving himself just a slight edge and a few tenths of a second of space between him and whoever is behind him. notably, this is how he was able to win in monaco in 2018, with an MGU-K failure that made his engine have 25% less horsepower, and only two (out of eight) functioning gears while holding off sebastian vettel in a ferrari. hes a regular expert at late braking.

and his next victim was none other than carlos sainz. because, lets be honest here, hes in a shitbox car, defending against a ferrari while trying to catch a red bull.

and at the beginning, checo was holding daniel in his DRS zone (within 1 second of him to give daniel a speed boost so that he could stay in front of carlos so that carlos wouldn't pass daniel and then pass checo) while carlos was still only .3 seconds behind daniel with DRS. late brake king indeed.

but while that battle was shaping up, there was another battle.

on lap 8 we had the return of another king. the kevin magnussen menace king.

if you recall, in saudi arabia, kevin got 20 seconds worth of penalties and used that to drive like an absolute madman, royally holding up the whole back of the grid so that his teammate nico could score a point in the race.

and well. nico was in 7th, kevin was in 8th and sir lewis hamilton was in 9th. and yes, sir lewis might be driving an absolute shit box car, but he is still a 7 time world champion. hes got some moves. and he was itching to pull them on kmags.

lewis was a very solid half a second behind kevin. and according to our friends the commentators "mercedes dont look like they a great race car"

hamilton agreed with this saying "im very slow on the straight." he tried to pass kevin. and he failed.

two laps later, they were still battling it out, this time though, kevin skipped over the chicane.

"he just gained an advantage!" lewis said "he skipped the chicane!"

and so it was all aboard the struggle bus, population lewis, falling victim to kevin, carlos, who was still unable to pass danny rics , and max, who was having terrible time with his tires.

lewis briefly escaped the struggle bus when he was able to pass kevin on lap 11. kevin also reviewed his first 10 second penalty for skipping the chicane. but this did not seem to deter kevin because then he drove into lewis and left the track again.

"i wonder how many penalties he wants to pick up today" crofty wondered aloud. hint: this would not be his last penalty.

because! kmags was busting out the saudi moves to an absolute t again: going super fucking fast on the straights and then slowing down in the corners. and this was really, really effective because lewis did not have any speed on the straights, so he couldn't catch him.

when lewis finally did pass him on lap 15, kevin went incredibly late on the brakes, like purposefully late just to shove lewis off the track, shoving both lewis and yuki (who was behind him) off the track. even the commentators thought the move was insane, saying that "there was no way he was going to make the apex on that" however! lets remember that kevin was protecting his teammate nico from the cars behind him so that he could be guaranteed points. so nico had a sizable gap (6 seconds) between him and the cars behind when hamilton and yuki passed kevin on lap 16.

closing in on the end of the race. carlos was STILL stuck behind daniel, who had defended his ass off for 15 laps. kevin magnussen had received yet another penalty. and hamilton managed to pass yuki on the last lap for 8th position (but then he got a 20 second penalty for speeding in the pit lane so it meant nothing)

all in all, an interesting race. especially if you were daniel ricciardo who managed to finish in fourth and then barked like a dog over his radio:

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and after the race, they caught up with kevin and asked him about his million penalties (he ended up with 3 ten second penalties for leaving the track and gaining an advantage and one 5 second penalty for track limits) (crofty and martin brundle were in agreement that the penalties that kevin received were not consistent with the severe lack of penalties that were given for the turn one lap one incident. the consensus from them was “i think he was over the limit in many ways on many occasions there" and it was a “little outrageous but he wasn’t plowing into the side of people”)

reguardless, here is what kevin (and lewis) had to say

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basically, kevin seems pretty upset that he is playing the teammate game and nico is not. nico though does have a contract already at a different team, so he really doesnt have to worry about impressing haas

and well, in case you were curious, max won. charles was p2, checo was p3. with all the penalties, kevin ended in 18 and hamilton ended in 16.

and!!! mr logan sargeant!!! for the first time EVER finished ABOVE HIS TEAMMATE in p10!!! (alex was in p13) he came and he DELIVERED!!! he was driving on SOFT TIRES in MIAMI in the HEAT and he SLAYED getting replaced rumors WHOMST

(sorry. i am american. can you tell?)

onto the qualifying session! full steam ahead!

all in all, it was kinda boring. the most interesting thing to happen was danny rics getting p17 (not including his three place grid penalty from the last race) after coming in p4 in the sprint. logan missed out on getting into q2 by .034 seconds lando opted to stay on the medium tires for the last part of qualifying because mclaren didnt want a repeat of spring qualifying where he couldnt get the softs up to temperature. despite this, he still only managed a p5.

oh and this headline:

and so, the grid was set, locked and loaded:

p1: max p2: charles p3: carlos p4: checo p5: lando p6: oscar p7: george p8: lewis p9: nico p10: yuki p11: lance p12: pierre p13: esteban p14: alex p15: fernando p16: valtteri p17: logan p18: danny rics p19: kevin p20: zhou

and it was time for the race to start.

and it started with a definite bang because checo almost took out max on the first lap:

the near crash shuffled the front up a little. oscar was able to gain three places and ended up right behind charles in p3. lando, meanwhile, was shoved further back down the grid in the mayhem (as well as checo) to p6. and on lap five, oscar managed to pass charles for p2. clearly, the upgrades, even the half upgrades that oscar had, were clearly working. he was only 2 seconds behind max (unusual as max usually flies off into the sunset) and was defending like hell against the two ferraris.

meanwhile, estie bestie and pierre were fighting. literally fighting. they were driving Next To Eachother, Wheel To Wheel on the track from turns 13-16 on lap 1. at very fast speeds. it was truly nail biting stuff. alpine even posted about it on instagram:

and who else was fighting? the ferraris, they were fighting. carlos was behind charles, but was convinced that he had more pace than charles did and wanted to pass. Ferrari basically said fuck it whatever and let them fight it out, no team orders. carlos did not end up passing charles.

pit stops played an important role in this race. and many people pitted early. albon, stroll, sargeant, bottas, hulkenberg and gasley. the majority of the back of the grid. all pitted before lap 13. which was interesting because the undercut (pitting for tires before the people around you) is really not effective on the track due to the amount of tire degradation.

anywhoozies. it was shaping up to be a fairly normal and boring race. max was out in front, the ferraris were fighting, the french civil war was alive and well. all normal things to see on a sunday afternoon.

well. it was almost normal. charles and oscar were feuding in the front. as in not they themselves were feuding, but their teams were feuding. charles was told to do whatever oscar didnt do. and oscar was told to do whatever charles didnt do. ferrari even faked a pit stop on lap 15 to try and trick mclaren into pitting oscar earlier and putting charles up into p2. it did not work.

and the normal continued. lando fought with perez for fifteen laps before checo finally pitted on lap 15 and lando was able to get in front of him.

"i dont know what the lando norris equivalent of hammer time is," martin brundle said as checo sailed into the pits. "he needs to bring it."

and bring it he did. he in p5 behind carlos sainz. his race engineer, will, said on lap 20 they should stop defending against the cars behind him and go get carlos. lando was pleased with this. "yeah! ill agree!" he said "i'll go get him!"

while he was chasing carlos, max hit a cone on turn 15 during lap 22.

it was the cone that was on the chicane, showing the cars where the curbing was, and max just kind of plowed into it:

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he was asked about this moment late in the post race press conference and said:

"i didnt like it. so i decided to take it out. and test the durability of the front wing as well. so thats a crash test done. yeah, there was no damage. the cone was out of the way for everyone so everyone it was basically free for all."

the williams app, giving a race play by play had this to say about that lap:

"not satisfied with all his recent trophies, verstappen has picked up a board from the chicane as well... unfortunately for him hes dropped and left it at T16"

but regardless. there was a cone on the track. a Cone was On The Track. according to george it was in the racing line. what are they gonna do? call a virtual safety car on lap 23 for like half a lap.

after the virtual safety car ended and the cone was cleared, max decided it would be a good time to make a pit stop, which meant oscar was now leading the race! being him was carlos, lando and then max. max was a solid 10 seconds behind lando, who was catching up to carlos.

lando got the fastest lap on lap 25 and according to ted down in the pitlane "lando norris [was] doing brilliant laps" and max was loosing time chasing him, and he (max) had very very low grip

and he did not get past carlos, but he did end up leading the race on lap 28 when oscar and carlos both pitted.

and then. the race was about to heat up. menace k mags was back and he had a new target: logan sargeant. kevin had tried to pass logan and rammed into him, sending loan sailing into the wall.

to say logan was upset about it would be an understatement:

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for real, this poor kid cannot fucking catch a break. you can tell how upset he is because he wants the team to think well of him and he knows that he only has one shot to prove himself and doesnt want to waste his chance in f1. and to be knocked out at your home race is absolutely brutal.

after the race, he posted an instagram post of him fishing in front of a sunset to the song something in the orange. please give this man a break he deserves it.

regardless. this caused a safety car. and people pitted under the safety car. pretty much everyone who didnt pit already pitted under the safety car. including lando norris. and he came out of the pits in front of max.

by the time the safety car ended on lap 33, lando was still leading and max was still behind him, charles was in p3, oscar in p4 and carlos in p5. lando had new tires but red bull had speed.

max tried to overtake lando once the safety car ended but he wasnt able to, and then max made a mistake at turn 8 and fell behind with carlos catching up to him.

by the time the drivers could use their DRS again, lando was already more than a second ahead of max and out of DRS range, which would make it harder for max to pass him.

now might be a very good time to remind you all that lando norris has never won a race in f1. he has come close, but he has never won. he really really really wants to win one. people have even started calling him lando no wins cause he has no wins. hes been in f1 for 6 years. he has not won. hes leading a race. he doesnt need to pit. his car is freshly upgraded. and max verstappen is behind him.

while lando was creating a gap, carlos was fighting with Oscar.

now. carlos and oscar have a feud. i dont really know why. but they always seem to pick fights with eachother on track. well, carlos usually picks fights with oscar on track, oscar is usually just chilling.

previous incidents between these two have included but not been limited to:

oscar saying "Classic Carlos, just sitting in the middle of the road, I see nothing has changed" over his radio during the 2023 abu dhabi practice session

a tweet from carlos after the 2023 spa gp that said "not what we wanted today. racing incident, but oscar was too optimistic. he was never side by side and that move has never really worked in spa" (ps. they both dnf'd here after crashing into eachother)

oscar saying "mate, is carlos blind or what?" during practice at the 2023 monza gp

carlos saying (in response to nearly running into oscar during monza practice) "its like hes doing it on purpose"

and well. the feud is still alive and well:

"he pushed me off the track!" carlos said on lap 35 when oscar had definitely not pushed him off the track.

"just tell him to give me a positon and he doesn’t get a panelty" carlos said a lap later. "tell mclaren to be telling him because they need to be telling him."

oscar did not give him the position back and instead got his elbows out.

meanwhile! back at the front lando was a whole tWO SECONDS AHEAD of max on lap 37 AND he had the fastest lap.

mclaren told oscar that ferrari wanted him to swap with carlos but they didnt agree and told oscar not to do anything. so oscar kept defending. and carlos continued to complain.

max, who was still 2 seconds behind lando, came on the radio saying "i can’t get the car to turn it’s a disaster” which was just “music to the ears of everyone at mclaren and charles leclerc”

well. maybe not everyone at mclaren. because oscar was still battling with carlos. carlos tried to pass him on lap 39 but failed. then he did pass, oscar passed him back and then carlos went to pass him Again, but failed and they touched eachother. Hamilton and perez managed to pass oscar before it was revealed on lap 41 that oscar had front wing damage and needed to box for a replacement.

CARLOS TWEET

and also during this time, kevin managed to get another penalty for not serving his previous penalty correctly.

lando was 3.1 seconds ahead of max

lap 42. lewis was challenging perez for fifth. "if youve got any more power give it to me!" he shouted into his radio, .5 seconds behind perez.

oscar had a truly abysmal pit stop and came out in 19th.

lap 43. lando was 3.8 seconds ahead of max.

alpine was somehow in the points with esteban ocon in 9th.

matin and crofty were discussing kevin and his infinity gauntlet of penalties.

“kevin magnussen must have his own seat up in the stewards office he’s been up there so often” said martin.

“i’m astounded that kevin as a different penalty for something he didn’t already have a penalty for," crofty said, agreeing with martin.

they were studiously ignoring lando, very not wanting to jinx him as he was 4.7 seconds ahead of max.

k mags got another penalty. this time for entering the pit lane. lance stroll got a track limited warning. lando was 5.2 seconds ahead

ten laps to go.

lap 48. fernando was fighting with esteban ocon for 9th. oscar was up to 17th with the fastest lap.

lap 49. the camera panned to the mclaren garage. everyone looked stressed to hell.

lap 50. lando was 5.6 seconds ahead of max. the commentators were scared to find him even more now. somewhere in the world, nico rosberg was loosing his god damned mind.

lap 51. lando was 5.8 seconds ahead. oscar was fighting daniel for 16th

lap 52. oscars race engineer reminded him that "lando is leading the race we do not want to cause a safety car here." lando was 6 seconds ahead of max. lance stroll went off the track and gained two positions.

five laps to go.

lap 53. hamilton was still railing the back of perez. ocon was holding onto 10th.

lap 54. alex albon locked up. yellow flag. everyone held their breath and prayed for no safety car. but he went into the runoff area. there was no safety car. alex rejoined the track in p19.

three laps to go.

lap 55. oscar passed daniel for 15th. lando was seven seconds ahead of max.

lap 56. this would be the first time mclaren had won in America since 2012 with lewis hamilton in austin, tx. their last win basin 2021 with danny rics in monza. lando was 7.3 seconds ahead of max.

last lap.

lap 57. everyone was screaming. i was on the edge of my seat. we waited with baited breath. through the corners, hurtling down the straights. around the last bend. across the finish line.

LANDO NORRIS WINS THE MIAMI 2024 GRAND PRIX

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it was insane! it was astounding! holy shit! he had fucking won!

and that was seemingly every other drivers thought process because seemingly everyone came up to lando to congratulate him.

immediately max and charles gave him a hug.

fernando ran over and smacked his helmet in excitement

carlos came over

followed by danny rics and george

lewis and others congratulated him later on

he stage dived his team

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and charles and max absolutely soaked him on the podium

famously, lando said a few years ago (jokingly) that nico rosberg retired after his first championship im going to reture after my first win (he is not going to). but he also said a bit less jokingly that if he won he would jump in the lake outside of the mclaren technology center. and he has not done that yet. shame on you lando.

now a little interlude on max and charles here. the miami race weekend was the 12 year anniversary of their "inchident" from karting (you know the one) and tbh, the funniest thing that could have possibly happened this weekend was for both of them to be on the podium, but not win.

and ive talked about the Maxplaining and Leclercifying that has happened before, but they took their yapping to a whole new level now that the cameras weren't really on them.

YAP PICS

max also chose violence in the cool down room. upon being shown the footage of the logan crash he said "at least they have a spare chassis now" and he was Positively Shocked at hoe close perez came to knocking him out in turn 1

max even waited for charles to finish his interview so that they could ride to the podium in the same car together (there were three cars, one for each of them). and yet.

they were also unhinged in the post race press conference. max first tried to sit in the middle (the winners seat) to keep yapping with charles and charles had to point to the other side of the couch and be like buddy no youre over there

the post race press conference was unhinged as all shit. lando said that he was going to party very very hard that night and he might not come out with just a scratch on his nose this time.

and by all accounts he did party quite hard afterwards. first, the day he won was cinco fucking de mayo in miami florida and after wards he posted a photo on his instagram at NINE AM LOCAL TIME (presumably when he was about to get on a flight) that just said "recovery 1%" with the caption "worth it" (later he said that he actually didnt wake up really until tuesday morning. man had an insane night)

and later on at the mclaren celebration back in england they did a toast for him and he said "ive had enough alcohol to be honest"

lando also said during the press conference that he really finds the lando no wins nickname funny, and seeing people call him that over the years gave him so much drive to win. he also said that he wanted to use the valtteri line "to whom it may concern, fuck you" while he was on the radio in his car, but that was "copyrighted"

max was asked if he thought that lando would have still won if there hadnt been a safety car. and if you watch one video on this whole damn post, let it please be this one:

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it was just. so nice to see him win. everyone was so happy to see him win. even fred vasseur, the ferrari team principal, was given a mclaren hat and a bottle of champagne to soak lando with:

not to mention that seemingly everyone went out with lando to party afterwards. there weren't too many videos that i could find of that, but from what i saw, pretty much everyone was there.

in everyones post race interviews they all seemed to really express that they were very very happy for lando. will buxton even went as far as to say “i haven’t seen max that happy all year and he’s usually winning”

george was asked in his interview "sorry to say, but you are no longer the last british race winner" and he absolutely clapped back with "thanks. thats a very negative way to say, 'how do you feel about lando winning the race?'" and then he later said "yeah obviously happy to see lando finally get a victory. its well deserved for him. hes been doing an amazing job for a long time so"

this was a common thread among the drivers (not taking peoples negative shit about it), because max also said "if i had to get beaten today im happy it was lando, he deserves it. he did a really good job, he was flying. so yeah. its always nice to see someone win his first grand prix. its always a special day."

and lewis as well said "massive congrats to lando. i won my first grand prix with mclaren, i know how special it is to get that first one, huge congratulations to him, he truly deserves it. and mclaren, wow, im really happy for them thats my old family."

even fred vasseur said "well i want to congratulate lando and mclaren i think that they deserve it and they did a great job and im happy for them"

carlos as well said "i think he deserves it for a long time now to win a race. hes a driver that for me is going to win many many races in f1 hes been driving at an exceptional level. today he was on the lucky side, as i said but i think luck comes to the people that deserve it. and today he definitely deserved to win."

and charles said "we all grew up with the same dream of being in formula 1 one say and its always emotional for me to see him obviously realizing one of his dreams and winning his first race in formula 1 its a very special moment for him."

and then danny rics said "yeah proud to see him get his first win obviously saw his talent and ability and yeah kinda felt like it was going to happen sooner or later. and yeah really happy for him to have a day like this"

and then, pretty much every person ever made a post or commented on his congratulating lando:

oscar piastri: "well done man" carlos sainz: "CONGRATS CABRON!" lewis hamilton:"WELL DONE" alex albon: "congrats!!!" george russell: "it was always whe, not if, mate. congrats you deserve it" max verstappen: "very happy for lando norris, congrats mate!" daniel ricciardo: "and not sure if he is still alive today but very happy for lando norris on his first win" fernando Alonso: "Bravoooooo" martin garrix: "LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" max fewtrell: "So proud brother 🧡" pato oward: "GUEYYYY!!!!!! 🚀🚀" antonio giovinazzi: "Bravo Lando ! 🙌💪🏻" Heineken: "What a race!!! 👏👏👏" hollister: "🙌🔥👏 YOU DID THAT"

landos initial celebration post, by the way, was a bunch of funny and kind of terrible selfies of him with his trophy with the caption:

WWE FUCKIJG DID IT. P1 🏆

a few days later, when he was no longer hungover he made an instagram story that said

"genuinely had the most insane couple days of my life. still dont know what to say but this was a dream since i was a kid. i literally havent stopped smiling since lap 33. so much hard work to achieve this and it all finally paid off the support from my team, the mclaren papaya fans, other drivers and so so many more. ive appreciated every single bit of it. love you all. and after all this...were just getting started... and yes...still smiling"

lewis hamiltons dad even texted landos dad congratulating him!

and interestingly enough, they interviewed lando's race engineer, will. who said that the upgrade "package should favor other circuits more than miami."

so do we actually have a proper championship battle on our hands? will it just be a max sweep from here on out? whos to say. we dont know.

but what we do know, according to martin brundle, is that "the secret to beating max verstappen is injuring yourself right before the race: "we realize now the secret to beating max verstappen, remove an appendix, do an injury to your nose, some sort of operation or injury is the way now to beat max verstappen in formula 1."

and most heartwarmingly, nico rosberg seemingly predicted this. if you all recall, two weeks ago at the chinese gp, he told lando this:

"we have a race the two of us because youre at 109 and i won then i was at 111 (races) my first race so were close. your time is coming. maybe next race cause you got upgrades coming in miami! so it could be good."

and then lando won his 110th, beating nico out by one race and jenson button by four. and both of them are world champions. nico finally figured out how to use his witchcraft for good.

will buxton wrote an article for f1 about the phenomenon of lando no wins and he concluded it with this:

The universal outpouring of joy in his victory tells you another side to him. Its rare in the highly competitive world of Formula 1 to make many true friends. To a man, I can’t think of a driver who wasn’t delighted for him in Miami. I haven’t seen Max Verstappen as happy all year, and he’s won pretty much everything. That affection is real. The friendships are true. And as he brought his car to the pits, after acknowledging those who try to drag him down, he spoke words for the truly private man. For his parents and his grandmother. The part of his life he keeps closest and most guarded. For his entire Formula 1 career, he’s had to be what people expect of him. Carry the weight of manifesting the legend of the version of himself he’d always portrayed himself as being. As he grew from teenager into adulthood, an ever growing fanbase of millions expected him perhaps never to change and to always stay the same. On Sunday he received the only reply he’s ever sought. Validation. A Grand Prix winner. Just as he always knew he would and could be. What stands before him now is a level of freedom he has never known, to truly embrace the destiny that stands before him. Beyond the memes, the engagement, the lifetime lived in the spotlight of social media stardom, the witty quips and the potential to be the perfect media personality, there has always existed the hunger of the competitor. The desire to be the best. To win it all. The posts, the stories, the reels. They can write themselves now. The man, not the meme. Lando “No Wins,” no more.

thanks for reading and waiting for the update of this monstrosity. thank you for continuing to read this insane post. ill see you all in imola! o7

Sorry i tried to scroll past but, i know nothing about f1 other than max verstappen is fast, my dad doesnt like lewis hamilton, fast car goes in a loop and sometimes expodes. Could you give me a crash course in f1 drama? Im very intrigued. Whats the tea as it were?

a terribly loaded question, but i will do my best. i’ve talked about some of the drama before like the red bull second seat and the chronicles of haas but allow me to briefly try my hand at explaining the nightmare that is the upcoming silly season

under the cut we go

silly season is when the drivers go through contract renewals, extensions and switches. usually it’s confined to the first half of the season (march-july) but it has been known to extend all the way to the last race of the season and they like to switch people around at random sometimes. driver contracts are complex, there’s a lot of money involved and basically You Are The Face Of The Team so if you have a shit season then you make the team look bad. but at the same time you could have a shit season because you have a shit car. it’s sticky stuff.

so. there are only twenty seats in formula 1. 10 teams. each team gets two drivers. (there’s also reserve drivers but we’re not going to get into that). who ends up with a contract is largely up to the teams, they can pull the contract out from under people they can also cut you mid season. they’ve done it before.

of the 20 drivers on the grid, 14 of them have contracts expiring at the end of the year. yes. 14. you see how this could get complicated.

so let’s meet the teams.

red bull racing. they came first this year (and last year) in the championship. like aggressively first. like they won the championship by over 350 points. they are definitely the team to beat. but if you end up with a seat at red bull, you do have to deal with max verstappen being your teammate and he won all but three of the races last year. he’s the golden boy. red bull are also notoriously silly when it comes to contracts and famously swap people mid season who aren’t performing.

mercedes. merc is home to 7 time world champion lewis hamilton and they have won the championship a great many times, though not since 2021. they are kind of in their flop arc and their car the last 2 years has been pretty garbage, but they have still made it work because they were able to come in second last year.

ferrari. god help the poor little meow meows with a ferrari contract. ferrari is a notoriously great team and they’re trying to get back to the top again but their strategy every single time has fallen short. to the point where their drivers are the ones doing the strategy in their cars while driving. they came in third last year and have been decently consistent at getting first in qualifying and then getting beat by max verstappen on race day.

mclaren. they’ve definitely worked their way up over recent years. they ended fourth last year and have had some championship wins before but not nearly as many as say merc and ferrari. their team ceo (owner? director?) is a little interesting and their car started out a pile of flaming hot garbage at the beginning of the year but they did manage to get their shit together.

aston martin. they are owned by canadian billionaire lawrence stroll, father of lance stroll (one of the drivers for the team). they’ve undergone several name changes over the recent years (force india, racing point, etc). they positively slayed at the start of the season and then one day they sucked. they finished fifth in the championship.

alpine. the frenchest french team. they’re (i think?) still partially owned by the french government. both of their drivers are french. (their drivers also hate eachother but we’ll get to that. just know they’re in the middle of a modern french civil war). they had the opportunity to have a good rookie driver (oscar piastri) this past year but in a thrilling twitter battle, he publically flamed the shit out of them and went to mclaren instead (and slayed). they're usually solidly middle of the pack. they ended sixth in the championship.

williams. williams has been one of the back of the grid teams for the last many years but they have finally started to get their shit together and don’t quite suck as much as they used to. all of the points this year were scored by only one driver though (except one but we’ll get there). they came in seventh.

alpha tauri. they are the sister team of red bull. so technically redbull owns both teams (meaning they can swap drivers between teams. they like doing this.) they’ve just kind of been There for awhile but they did slay towards the end of the season when one of their drivers led the race for several laps. basically tho, this team is the gateway to redbull. they came in eighth.

alpha romeo. recently renamed to stake f1 team (but sometimes they are going to be called kick sauber. this is a whole other drama post and i’m not getting into it). they’re also just kind of there. generally unproblematic. seems that really great drivers who get ixed out of a contract for a younger driver end up here or young drivers who are in their early years are here before they go to a better team. they ended ninth this year.

haas. oh haas. goofy team. they suck. point blank they suck. they keep loosing sponsors because they suck, they don’t win ever (one time they came first in qualifying last year). they cursed themselves in australia in 2018 by not tightening their tires and its been downhill ever since. they came 10th. their team principle got let go (fired?) who’s to say today.

so those are the teams. it is important to note that:

-there is a cost cap. each team is allowed to spend no more than 135m per year.

-not all cars are equal. some things are standard. they all undergo the same testing. but the cars are all very different. so you can be a good driver but stuck in a shitty car. which makes it impressive if you are doing well in a shitty car.

let’s meet our drivers!!!

starting with the guys who’s contract is not ending in 2024:

max verstappen. 3 time world champion. 26 years old. general beast on the track. he dominated the whole season. he’s currently racing for red bull and has a contract with them through 2028.

lewis hamilton. 7 time world champion. 39 years old. he drives for mercedes. he will not leave mercedes until he retires. he really really wants to win an 8th world championship and is willing to stick it out a few more years as long as merc still believes in him. his contract expires in 2025.

george russell. the other merc driver. 26 years old. hes aggressively british and says thinks like blimey unironically. walking meme. got his merc seat in 2022 right when they entered their flop arc by getting his tractor of a williams to finish second in qualifying in the middle of a rainstorm. his contract expires in 2025.

lando norris. mclaren driver. 24 years old. he has notably never won a race in his five years of formula one (mostly because right when his car finally was good enough max verstappen was 20 seconds ahead of anyone) but he is regarded as Very Good. he has only ever driven for mclaren. and even though there is another year left on his contract there is mass speculation that he will not renew his contract with mclaren after it expires and he may move up to one of the top teams (red bull, merc, ferrari) (tho i think he doesnt hate himself quite enough to go to ferrari). his contract expires in 2025.

oscar piastri. the other mclaren driver. 22 years old. this was his rookie season and he positively slayed. like people compared his rookie season to lewis hamiltons rookie season. he also had the positively funniest start to his rookie year because alpine announced that he would be driving for them (he had been their reserve driver and in the alpine academy) and he posted a tweet that basically said yeah thats false i never singed anything with you and im going to race with mclaren instead (he dodged a bullet) and then alpine tried and failed to sue him for $4m USD. he signed a contract extension with mclaren this year and his contract expires in 2026.

lance stroll. aston martin driver and son of the aston martin owner. hes doing ok, tho there was conspiracy that he wanted to quit and have a tennis career awhile ago. but basically since his dad owns the team it seems that hes guaranteed a seat for as long as he wants one.

so now. moving onto the good shit. the people who have contracts expiring in 2024. hold onto your hats people.

charles leclerc. (everyones favorite slutty little soup can). 26 years old. he is currently at ferrari and he has been since 2019. notably, he was given the longest contract in the history of ferrari after a stellar rookie season at sauber (renamed to alpha romeo, renamed to stake f1) where he got the tractor of a car consistently into the points. having the longest contract in the history of ferrari was a flex at the time, but now its likely how he will introduce himself at therapy sessions. ferrari have fucked this man left right and center up the ass with a plastic lunchroom spork. hes talented, he can drive, and he can drive well. but the strategy that ferrari has absolutely sucks. either something is wrong with the car (see him blowing out his gear box on the formation lap in monaco, his car completely crapping out and spinning into the barrier in brazil before the race even started) or they fuck up his pit stops or put him on the wrong tires and honestly its just frustrating. but will he leave??? likely not. you'd have to pry ferrari out of his cold dead hands and at this rate that might be where this is headed though there has been some minor speculation of him going to another team like merc or red bull, but merc doesnt have any open seats and red bull is a whole other dumpster fire of drama. ferrari are going to have to pay him a boatload of money to make him stay.

carlos sainz. the smooth operator. 29 years old. ferrari driver. previously carlos was at toro rosso (renamed to alpha tauri), renault (renamed to alpine), and mclaren before signing with ferrari. he has been at ferrari since 2021 and has voiced that he would like to stay with them for however long he can. there is speculation that lando might replace him at ferrari (but landos contract is not up until 2025) and there is also some speculation that alex albon might replace him. while charles is clearly the golden boy at ferrari, carlos is slightly slower but also definitely consistent. he was THE ONLY non red bull driver to win a race this past year, in Singapore after max verstappedn was knocked out of qualifying by alpha tauri reserve driver liam lawson (more on him later) and because he basically came up with his own strategy in the car while he was driving.

sergio perez. aka checo. red bull driver. 33 years old. and oh boy here's where we open the can of worms. checo was previously at racing point (renamed aston martin) and it was very near the end of the 2020 (?) season and he was out of a contract. he had a bonkers race where he was knocked to the back of the grid and then overtook everyone and somehow ended up winning (there is more to that story but just trust me) and christian horner, red bull team principle, mr ginger spice and definite disney villain called him and said congrats sir you have a seat at red bull! well. fast forward. hes been causing problems. problems as in crashing a lot, generally not doing great and pissing the crap out of red bull. it is basically guaranteed at this point that he will not be getting a contract extension. there was actually talk this year of him losing his seat mid season to one of the alpha tauri drivers, because remember, red bull owns both teams and they can switch them whenever they want to (and they have!) but ultimately this did not happen. even though checo has a seat at red bull until the end of 2024, its mass speculated that he is going to get switched with an alpha tauri driver, probably daniel ricciardo (more on him shortly) mid season because there is a speculated clause in daniels contract that says that if checo isn't performing well in the first few races daniel is getting his seat.

daniel ricciardo. 34 years old. alpha tauri driver. man oh man what a guy. outside of being the prankster of the paddock, he has one of the most batshit careers of anyone currently on the grid. he started out at red bull and was showing real talent and skill and was on track to win things (and was!) and was there until the end of 2018 when max verstappen (his teammate) started getting preferential treatment and also red bull started having a lot of problems with their engines (which were being outsourced from Renault (now alpine) and another team on the grid) and well very very long story short he made the surprise move of the century and decided to sign with Renault (which makes no sense they're the one with the engine problems) and was there for 2 years before moving again to mclaren where he was reportedly not treated very well and had a hard time driving the car so they mutually ended his contract with them early and he basically retired at the end of the 2022 season and became a red bull reserve driver. then halfway through the 2023 season alpha tauri ixed one of their drivers, nyck de vries, because he wasnt doing well and promoted daniel back up to a full time driver at alpha tauri (which we know is only a step down from red bull) but then he broke his hand in a crash in zanvort (?) and then he was replaced for a few races by formula 2 driver liam lawson (who we will also talk about) and then he came back to finish out the season in alpha tauri after he was cleared. daniel has admitted openly that he never should have left red bull and he was given bad advice to do so. hes towards the end of his career at this point and its well known that he Really Really wants to finish out his career at red bull again. he and max have already been teammates before and they do work well together and daniel is great driver (see his comeback in texas (or maybe it was brazil?) this year). so. Pretty Sure that daniels going to get either an extension at alpha tauri or go up to red bull. thats what we all want. get this man in a red bull we need him there biblically.

liam lawson. now technically liam is not actually a formula 1 driver. hes a formula 2 driver, but he was daniels replacement for five races and there has been some speculation and some confirmed news about him so hes getting included. when he was racing for f1 he was at alpha tauri. hes 21 and looks like he belongs in the movie grease. no one was expecting him to slay in formula 1 and he positively knocked everyones socks off. the scene: Singapore. which, if you'll recall, is the one race that a not red bull driver won. this was largely because liam lawson slayed the absolute game in qualifying. the qualifying part of racing determines what order the cars start in on the grid for the race and theres three parts, the first two parts the bottom 5 drivers each time get knocked out and then the top 10 complete for the last 10 spots. liam lawson knocked BOTH max verstappen and checo perez out of qualifying in the second round by going very slightly faster than them, effectively fucking up red bulls race and allowing carlos to win. and he also scored points in that race, which no one was expecting. now thats all fine and dandy, but here's the speculation: hemlut marko (im pretty sure) (who is somehow decently involved in the decision making at red bull though i couldn't tell you how) said that he thinks that liam lawson will be in an f1 seat no later than 2025. meaning that he will probably get offered a contract this year. and hes already raced for alpha tauri. red bull have sunk a good amount of money into him. they clearly want him. so if he gets offered an alpha tauri seat in 2025, that means theres a good chance danny rics is going to red bull. do you SEE how the plot here is THICKENED

yuki tsunoda. age 23. currently at alpha tauri. and fun fact, the only alpha tauri driver to race there the whole year. he had three separate team mates. he is slaying and hes often slept on. he has a bit of a temper and likes to shout on the radio and also hates working out (they had to force him to move to italy or something to work out, long story) but hes been kinda killing it. he led several laps in the abu dhabi race this year and hes decently consistent. people think theres possibility that he could get moved up to red bull on account of the fact that he is younger than daniel and clearly has more years in him,, but there is also possibility that he might not because red bull like to make stupid decisions. and if he doesnt get moved up to rebel, will he stay with alpha tauri? we don't know.

alex albon. age 27. currently a williams driver. alex albon is another one with a batshit career. he started out his rookie year in 2019 at alpha tauri then got moved up to red bull halfway through the year when red bull decided that pierre gasley wasnt doing a good enough job (more on him later) and stayed with red bull for a solid year and a half until he lost his seat in 2021 to checo. he has been with williams for the last two years and is basically carrying the team. like. williams as a team scored 28 points this year. and alex albon scored 27 of those 28 points. and as we know, williams is still kind of in their shit arc (though they are doing much better. they didnt score any points for a solid 2 (?) years. so this is an improvement.) and if you can get a shit car to perform you catch the eye of bigger teams. now, alex has already been a red bull driver. and he was on the cusp of podiuming two separate times when lewis hamilton ran into him. this (among a few other things) basically killed his chances at getting resigned at red bull because he wasnt ""performing"" and red bull are bitches who love to win. but some people think that red bull should give him another shot. like daniel, hes already been max's teammate and he can definitely drive. but theres also talk he might go to ferrari because ferrari think that he might compliment charles's driving style (or something). but going to ferrari at this point is kind of suicide. so.

logan sergeant. age 23. the only american on the grid. the other williams driver. he just finished his rookie year. he scored a grand total of one single point this season, in texas, and it was because charles leclerc and lewis hamilton both got disqualified because the floor of their car had more wear (by literally less than millimeters) than it was allowed to, bumping him up from 12th to 10th. he has never done better than alex albon. he was also the very last driver to get a contract for 2024, with williams waiting until i think december of 2023 to announce his contract extension. clearly, hes on thin ice. but people have also said that he needs time to get used to formula 1 (other people have pointed out that oscar piastri slayed his rookie season this year and this statement about needing time is largely false). where logan ends up next year though will largely depend on how well the 2024 season goes for him.

fernando alonso. 42 years old. many people like to point out that oscar piastri is actually younger than fernando's racing career. he won tiktok creator of the year (somehow) and is also a 2 time world champion. he retired a few years ago, just to show back up again and slay. during the first half of the season when aston martin had a zoom zoom car he killed it, and then they had problems on top of problems and he didnt do well. except for that one race in brazil where he came in third, beating checo by literally .05 seconds. he hasn't really made any hints about retiring a second time and he is kind of carrying aston Martin right now (he scored 205 points this season, coming in 4th and tying in points with charles leclerc, lance stroll only scored 74 points this year.) and they did have their best year yet this year. (though they are relatively new).

pierre gasley. 27 years old. french. drives for alpine. the french team. previously he raced with toro rosso (now alpha tauri), then got promoted to a red bull driver in 2019, then halfway through the season they decided he wasnt doing a good enough job and he got demoted back down to alpha tauri. then he won a race with alpha tauri just to stick it to red bull. after the great oscar piastri contract twitter war, he was signed as alpines second driver, with Esteban ocon being the other driver (more on him soon). estie bestie and pierre (both french) were childhood friends and now hate each other for unknown reasons and basically feuded on the track for most of the season. french civil war at alpine. he scored 62 points in 2023 and came in 11th. not really sure where he will end up, it is possible that he will stick it out at alpine.

esteban ocon. 27 years old. also french. currently driving for alpine. another one with a silly bonkers career. he started out at force india and had a baller few seasons there but his teammate at the time was checo, and checo didnt really cooperate with him too much and caused some drama that cost estie bestie some places and some points. max verstappen also beat him up in the garage once. thats not really relevant but it did happen. anyway, after the owner of force india was arrested for .... i don't remember what maybe it was embezzlement or bankruptcy or something money related, the team was backed by lawrence stroll and became racing point. but all of that happened mid season and lawrence was basically like look ill back you guys for now but next year my son gets a seat (lance) so one of you two (checo and estie bestie) have to go. and ultimately they let estie bestie go even though he was more consistent because checo had more sponsors and they needed money. so he was out of formula 1 for a few years (but was a merc reserve driver) and then went to Renault, which then became alpine. he did come in 12th though overall this season, just behind pierre. so. will alpine keep both him and pierre and keep the civil war going? whos to say.

nico hulkenberg. 36 years old. haas driver. in his 200+ f1 races he has never been on the podium and he really really wants to be on the podium. unfortunately this will never happen in a haas because haas fucking sucks. and everyone knows it. he is getting towards the end of his career though. though! stake f1 will become the mario Andretti and audi team in 2026 (don't question it) and they have supposedly voiced interest in nico. so we will see if he hangs on that long to end up at audi. for now tough, hes definitely hating it at haas. though, haas are going to have a different team principle next year so maybe that will change things. i have a sneaky feeling through that haas will probably end up with another 2 rookie drivers because everyone else is smart enough to not race for them.

kevin magnussen. 31 years old. haas driver. hes another deeply interesting character. he has had one podium. in his rookie season. in his first race. and none since. kevin started at haas in 2017 and then left at then end of 2020 when he basically got kicked off because the team needed money and they wanted to bring in drivers with more sponsorships. these drivers were mick schumacher and nikita mazepin. so kevin basically was forced to retire after the 2020 season. this went decently well for haas. until russia invaded ukraine right before the start of the 2022 season and, well, nikita was Russian and it was never distinctly proven that his dads company (who was sponsoring the team) wasnt also funding the invasion. so nikita got fired and they were literally like 2 weeks out from the start of the season, down a driver. who are you gonna call? kevin magnussen! and hes been back ever since. but hes clearly getting annoyed with haas. there was one great clip from this year where his car caught on fire and he kind of just stared into to, clearly hoping it would burn for a long time. so the likelihood of him extending his contract is looking slim.

valtteri bottas. 34 years old. currently a driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo, kick sauber, whatever you wanna call it). previously, he was a mercedes driver and notoriously helped lewis hamilton win a great many championships, until he lost his seat to george russell in 2022. there was a rather awkward part of the 2021 season where valtteri knew that he was out of a merc seat the following year and kind of just chose violence. he slayed. then he went to alpha romeo, grew a mullet and made a calendar of his ass. quite the glow up if you ask me. hes also very interested in cycling. honestly though, i have my own personal speculation that hes going to retire at the end of this year.

zhou guanyu. 24 years old. driver for stake f1 (alpha romeo/kick sauber, etc etc). hes doing alright. he just finished his second season, in his first season he was majorly out qualified by valtteri but this past season he managed to out qualify him a good 6 times. which is decently good for the tractor of a car hes driving. its possible that he could get a contract extension, but like logan, its probably going to depend on how the 2024 season goes for him.

and thats all the drivers. theres also a few others i didnt talk about, like some other f2 drivers who want seats and mick schumacher, who is currently a merc reserve driver, all of which could be contenders for f1 seats. but one things for sure. this is going to be the silliest fucking silly season.

feel free to add on and peer review me

#not a tag #from saph #saph explains silly season 2024 #formula 1 #f1 #miami gp 2024 #lando norris #AHHH #im so glad im done with this one #it took so fucking long i really really hope everything's in here #thank fucking GOD its been a quiet off week #let me know what you think aaa #tumblr bbg you better let me post this #Youtube

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