#i dont fucking like cbt its stupid and it doesnt WORK

[volkswagenital]

i dont wanna do this therapy hw man this shit is so stupid

[ghoulodont]

hi do you guys want to see what i do all day on sick leave on this stupid antipsychotic thats not helping and making everything worse. ive been researching what to ask my psychiatrist for and this image keeps coming up (i cut off the end because its just listing different medications) and its pissing me the fuck off. its "recommendations" of what to do when an antipsychotic causes akathisia which is basically restlessness, like a physical need to move.

3rd priority option is to take a medication to make it better which is what im doing currently (it doesnt work) and i want to try a different one.

2nd priority option is to fuck around with antipsychotics. this sounds logical at first because if you stop taking the med causing akathisia it usually stops the akathisia but then you have to try new meds, your symptoms get worse, nightmare, evil, horrible, et cetera.

whats making me so annoyed is the 1st option. psychosocial intervention? it means "patient education" and things like that. this image is saying that if your patient is experiencing a genuinely torturous side effect is to tell them dont worry, its normal, remember its worth it to make your symptoms go away, try using cbt skills maybe, please dont kill yourself, and so forth. so demeaning

they literally used this for torture. like the soviet union or whoever gave people haldol to make them have this side effect. just trust me i dont feel like looking it up

[stahfakz]

12/3 ughhh, I get it im having a massive whinge fest, but im going through a lot, and that anon tumblr user yesrs ago still fucked me up. I dont have anyone to vent to. Im not unappreciative of what i have, but i need to get this all out as a way to process everything.

Like, im taken back to when brock and i first broke up all those years ago, and i thought it would be really easy to be with someone else. But its not, no man commits. And thats why i kept going back to brock, cos at as fucked up as he was, he commited to me. And no one else could do that. And no one has, so i have no choice but to stay alone until someone comes along and commits. I will not give them anything until that happens.

Im tired of this stupid shit.

Brocks being nice to me, and im struggling to think that maybe we should have worked on our relationship, and i wouldnt be going through this shit....it is sooo goddamn painful.

Also, our kids sick, probs covid, so i have do all her usual chores, on top of everything else, and some dudes coming around tomorrow to fix the cupboard, and i have to work 2moro, and unclear if kid will be sick 2moro.

Annnnd thennnn, have to go into office on tuesday when im all fucked up to deal with all this shit with our sm, determine M's feelings and absolute lack of self confidence with tm.

Im trying really hard to cbt myself, but ffs, its like i spend every weekend processing my fucking feelings right now.

And thanks, yes i know im having a massive reset, and thanks to luke for providing me the thingos to read, and its helped a teeny bit, but i cant just go, oh im fixed, its not how it works.

And i love alex hes my best friend, but hes going through a lot at the moment too, and i dont want to burden him.

And to top it all off, i think ive started going through perimopause, so emotions everywhere and hot face frequently. Great. Thanks so fucking much, oh it also feels like i have boob cancer, and my teeth are all fucked.

Yay fucking me.

Christ, i just need a hug and from someone to tell me its going to be ok. But that doesnt fucking exist.

[vaporsnake]

im so done and tired its been the one problem all along and its manifested as everything possible, notlikeothergirlism, depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal urges, eating disorders, binging, starving, purging, aggression, self hate, gender dysphoria, debilitating phobias, severe ocd, psychosis, dissociation, substance abuse, identity issues, splitting, its been everything already and i literally tried everything thats supposed to help. all kinds of meds, no meds, cbt, rebt, dbt, online therapy, suicide hotlines, psychology, psychiatry, casual counselling, religious counseling, gender therapy, lgbt support groups, gender transition, gender detransition, radical acceptance, meditation, journalling, alternative psychiatry, relying on others, cutting everyone off, paying attention to it, ignoring it, even just straight up lying, nothings helping, therapists wont work with me, the meds make it worse, i get kicked out of support groups because my issues make others feel bad, the suicide hotlines dont even understand what the issue is, nothing makes the issue go away, i dont understand how to get better, i dont understand why i should, i dont even want to at this point and therapists just ditch me because they dont know how to change my mind. its so hopeless. nothing is ever gonna be good if im stuck in this body and changing the body will never be good enough because the problem is that i have to change it and isnt that so unfair? its a chronic disease that cant be cured only managed. i hate everyone whos like me and doesnt suffer. i hate everyone who though the change would be sufficient because theyre delusional and so stupid and so shallow they cant see past the mirror. they dont understand shit. i dont mean to be brooding but anytime i bring this issue to anyone they just seem dumbfounded. they dont get why im suffering so much. and im not even suicidal now and i hate it. cuz if i was there would at least be a way out but there isnt. its just me and this garbage body and this life until something happens to me. and i have no goals in this life i dont look forward to anything i dont want anything barely anything makes me happy and simply i just cant be bothered and i dont even understand why happiness is supposed to be more valuable than misery. and even if, any happiness i can get while living in this body would necessarily be an artificial one, a delusion, a fucking lie because its the worst thing that you can have, literally losing your life on a coin toss like that. and i have so much trauma that wasnt even related to any of this i hate my parents for bringing me into this world. even without the trauma it wouldnt be worth it. but right now its just a snake eating its own tail and its never gonna be okay.

[vibrant-goddess]

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend 

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question. 

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.