#i dont even want to take them but i want to get through the 3 months so i can talk to my doctor
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In light of recent events with iskall85 (+stressmonster?) i’d like to take a moment to thank around 98% of the community. I know its rough, and some people are upset or curious, but the community is handling it wonderfully right now, and I’m extremely proud of everyone who is taking a step back and not harassing creators. Heres a list of things we, as a community, can do to help!
1. Please don’t harass any of the Ccs! By that, I mean Hermitcraft AND vault hunters. I know that you’ve heard it a billion times by now, but I do want to emphasise that they have said they cant say much now, and they’re probably taking it more rough than we are. We aren’t owed any information, even if we would like it, so harassing people will only make the situation worse.
2. Comfort your friends with iskall or stress introjects, irls, fictionkins, alters, etc. reminder that none of this is their fault, and they should NOT be harassed for living their lives as they are.
3. Keep speculation private, or to a minimum. Its human nature of course, to be curious, but discussing it in publicly is a BAD idea. Keep it to the dms, or if you’re going to speculate in your blogs, I recommend not maintaining iskall, and putting the discourse tag in so that people can filter it out.
4. Keep your fanarts and fanfictions up until the situation is clearer, or if you don’t want them up, send them to @pearleisuma to be archived. Just because someone did something does NOT mean that you need to delete anything you worked hard on, it just means be wary making things in the future, involving them, about it, until we get more information.
4. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, Watch ANY commentary youtube channel videos about the situation. This is how false information spreads, and youtubers are going to look to make a quick buck off of anything they can use to blow up. Please only get your information from trusted sources, such as CC’s twitter pages, any videos released by Ccs/streams, or if iskall or stress make a statement themselves.
5. Dont jump to conclusions! Luckily, mumbo has tweeted out that the situation has nothing to do with minors. Jumping to conclusions will lead to misinformation, so do sit back and wait a bit before any assumptions or conclusions.
6. Take care of yourself. Its okay to be sad about them leaving, its okay to be sad that Iskall apparently did something, and its okay to be curious as to what it is about. As a fandom, try to lift eachother up and comfort eachother, rather than bring eachother down about the situation.
Keep being awesome hermitblr, and stay strong 🫶 we’ll get through this
#hermitcraft#iskall85#hermitcraft iskall#controversy#tw controversy#stressmonster101#stay strong#it’ll be okay#trust me 🤍#hermitblr
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bed chem
warnings; uhm sex lol? oral (male and femme recieving) very whorish thoughts, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it pls pls pls), brief mentions of bruising and hickeys, dirty talk. breeding kink if you squint
p. 1 | p. 3
word count; 2295
summary; jj and you have always been able to get along as long as it was in a nice comfy bed. what happens when you start to wonder if your chemistry goes beyond that?
divider by: @bernardsbendystraws
im being so for real when i say id let jj do just about anything he wanted to me.
and im not even being dramatic.
the second i can feel his lips make contact with that spot below my ear and his hands leaving finger prints on my hips, im a goner.
i dont necessarily know what it is about him specifically, and saying its our chemistry feels so icky to say but i dont know how else to describe it.
the way he hooks his thumbs through the belt loops on my shorts? like right now? yea im soaked already.
"mama you've been teasin me all night with that fucking idiot of a date- dont gotta do that baby you just gotta ask me for it."
"jj less talking more tongue."
"yes mama," he smirks up at me from his lap, his lips going back to my neck.
i have to interrupt him because i simply cant keep this shirt on my body. unfortunately i did have my cakes on so he just had to chuckle at them
"jj weve talked about this! they aren't funny!"
"baby theyre boob pancakes for your nipples its always gonna be hilarious."
" 'always' as if youre gonna see them again. how confident."
"sweetheart you say that every time. just let me give the girls some love and enjoy it, yea?" with that he starts peppering kisses all over my chest, his hands pawing at both of them.
"jesus-" the moans that come from my throat are honestly embarrassing but hes just too fucking good at this. he knows every sensitive inch on me.
its like he has me fucking memorized its insane. he feels insane.
and it doesnt help that he loves eye contact. i hate admitting that it flusters me, i dont want him knowing it takes everything in me to keep half of my dignity when he has me like this.
my fingers find the buckle of his belt doing my best to blindly work it off of his waist desperate to get whats under his pants.
im not ashamed to admit that.
"someones eager tonight," he pulls off of my chest with a noisy pop sound, smiling that signature cocky grin that i love to hate. "you gonna tell me what you want?"
i push him back onto the bed so i have easier access to his belt, more so his dick if im being honest.
"i want you to stop talking so i can get your pants off. why dont you work on that shirt for me baby?"
"well since you asked so sweetly," he chuckles throwing off his cut off while helping you get rid of his shorts. "only if you put your shorts on the floor next to mine."
"thats such a weird fucking thing to say jj what the fuck?"
"what? i thought thatd be cute."
"youre so freaking weird," you roll your eyes sliding off your shorts throwing them in whatever direction. they land next to his
jj sits there, head against the pillows watching me. i cant help but feel uneasy, im aware that i have no reason to be uncomfortable and that hes seen me this way plenty of times before but theres something in his eyes that makes me feel like hes drinking in every inch of me and its a but unsettling,
"youre so pretty. cant get enough of ya. ever," he gestures for me to come closer with his fingers before snapping and pointing to his face, "park it pretty mama."
"jj-" i start to interrupt him but he refuses any rebuttal.
"uh uh. weve talked about this. youre gonna sit on my face and im gonna eat it as much as i please. cmon now dont be shy. it doesnt suit you."
blush eats away at your cheeks as you crawl forward closer to his face, gripping the headboard for stability.
"im not shy."
"then act like it baby. now let me taste you, wanna warm you up good for me," and with those last words his arms wrap around my hips and he pulls me down so my weight is on his face.
the second his lips make contact his tongue is READY to work, and let me be clear he knows where the clit is okay? Sucking, licking, even nipping he does it all so fucking good.
all while looking up at me as i use his face like a damn chair.
my hips are desperately trying match the pace of his tongue, i can feel his nose rubbing against my clit giving me the best kind of friction im looking for.
oh my god and when he moans into me?? im done. finished. totaled. i cannot stop the sounds im making.
my legs shake beside his head, and hes staring up at me so smug, so proud of himself like his ability to make me cum was ever in question.
"see? so good for me mama was that so hard?"
i cant even get the words out, still clutching onto the headboard catching my breath. "jj-"
"ive got you dont worry," he picks me up by my waist and twists us so hes now hovering over me. "ill make you feel so good i promise."
"jj- i-" i try to take a deep breath and gather my thoughts, none of them holy obviously. "just gimme a second-"
"awe, someone overstimulated? already?"
i close my eyes and take a deep breath, because yes i do get easily overstimulated. "dont be a dick-"
"i havent even pulled it out yet."
"oh yea? lets see what you've got to say when ive got you all up in my mouth huh? lets find out baby."
i move out from underneath him and lay my head off the edge of the bed, looking at him with an excited glimmer in my eyes and my tongue sticking out.
"holy shit-" i giggle watching jj practically fall off the bed to take his boxers off, fumbling to do so. "are you serious?"
"yea jayj im serious," i say through a few laughs. "now cmere. remember you dont gotta hold back. i can take it."
"oh my god- shit. mama you keep talking like that and im not gonna last."
"i dont wanna talk jj i want your cock in my mouth," and with those final words his boxers drop to the floor. and i can see how ready is, honestly it looks painful. and i wanna make him feel all better.
my hand finds his, pulling him closer to the beds edge. once his length is over my mouth i run my tongue down his shaft, taking him into my hand and pumping what i cant reach.
"you ready for me baby?"
jj doesnt answer, he grabs my hair and tugs my head down further having me open my mouth before stuffing me full.
i can hear the groan he lets out, its guttural. and hot as fuck.
my tongue slides along his length almost asking to pull him in deeper. but he keeps still for a moment, gathering himself so he can continue.
but i know my boy. hes not gonna wait much longer to be inside me and i have no plans on arguing about it.
after a minute his hips buck forward a bit. "you good mama?"
and of course i cant really respond with his dick in my mouth. so naturally i try to take him deeper, urging him to move his hips again.
his grip on my hair tightened as he buried himself as deep as he could and slowly pulling back out.
poor guy is torturing himself! i havent even done anything, and he knows he doesnt have to go this slow.
he keeps his rhythm slow and steady, and i can feel the anticipation in his muscles restricting himself so i give his thigh a quick tap letting him know to pull away.
"jj you okay? you can go faster."
he lets a groan fall from his already pouty lips, "mama i cant handle going faster. need to be in ya when i bust."
i cant help but chuckle at his admission.
"oh baby. shouldve just said somethin. how you want me?"
i love making his eyes roll to the back of is head. but not like that weird anime shit. you know what i mean?
jj jumps back onto the mattress, back against the headboard patting his lap. "you know i want the girls all up in my face sweetheart. cmon and give me a good ride."
"yes captain," did i always say that jokingly? of course. did he always take it seriously? absolutely.
i climb over his lap, letting my knees rest against the bed sheets.
"youre still on the pill mama? or you still like the idea of me puttin a baby in ya" he looks up at me with pleading eyes, praying i am because he knows that means ill let him in bare. so fucking pussy whipped. i love it.
"jj you wouldn't be in this bed with me if i wasnt, now are you clean?" i have to ignore the baby comment because yea i really really really do.
"if you really believed i wasnt you wouldve have just tried to suck out my soul."
he does technically have a point there. "cant think straight when youre just standing there you know that jj. cmon are you clean or not?"
"youre the only one for me sweetheart. hop on, please. im beggin ya. need you so bad mama its killin me."
"'s gonna be a tight fit. 'm already so swollen down there."
"jesus," his head falls to rest on my chest and its like he all of a sudden remembers i have tits. peppering kisses all over my chest before wrapping his mouth over my nipple as i line him up. "baby you dont even know what youre saying. what its doin to me. got me so worked up im not gonna last long."
"good thing too because neither am i."
letting my weight lower onto him we moan out in unison, grabbing the hairs at the nape of his neck i hold tight as i let the sting of his size settle.
i do adjust rather quickly, seeing as hes been inside me plenty times before.
rocking my hips to start slow, i press small kisses on his hair as his grip on my hips tightens. part of me hopes i have little finger tip bruises tomorrow. they always show through my swimsuits. jj cant get enough of them.
"shit baby i need more.. cmon you can take it. its alright im not goin no where. give it to me."
fuck does he know how to talk me through it.
i raise myself a little only to leave a small drop, increasing the pace with each bounce. because holy shit he just hits that spot every damn time. sometimes i legit wonder if his dick was made for me.
then i roll my eyes at how fucking whipped i sound.
"yeaaa thats it mama. you keep that up, just how ya like it," thats the last thing he says before his thumbs starts toying with my clit and his mouth is once against attached to one of my breasts.
jjs the only guy that ive ever told that i need something else when hes inside me. never once made me feel insecure or guilty about it. in fact, i kind think he loves that he gets to play with me more.
"holy shit- jay- jay im close... you there baby?"
i can feel him nod against me so i move faster, harder, whatever i can do to chase that high im so desperately close to. and i can tell hes close to, hes got a little twitch whenever hes almost there and it feel soooo fucking good. takes me right over the edge.
"yeaaa gorgeous thats it. want me to fill you up? want me to make you my real mama?"
my head buries itself in his neck, covering it in small kisses to muffle my moans as i finish all over him.
and he's not close behind, thrusting up to meet me as i ride out mine, finishing just moments after me and i can feel him covering my insides.
and dammit if i dont wanna feel this way forever.
"so fucking good mama. made just for me i swear..." he mumbles against my chest leaving little hickeys as he catches his breath.
after a minute of just holding onto each other he slowly lowers me to the bed knowing that my legs feel like jelly.
he presses a kiss to my cheek before headed to the bathroom and grabbing us a wet washcloth. he rubs it over my thighs and my stomach and neck before cleaning me up carefully, knowing it helps me cool off afterwards.
"thank you jayj... always so sweet."
"shucks mama dont worry about it, you know ill always take care of you."
after cleaning the both of us up he grabs his muscle tank he was wearing before handing it to me so i can have some coverage while i sleep.
"want me to go out on the couch?" he wondered. always so thoughtful.
"dont be stupid. climb on in big boy."
his stupid sleepy smile is so freakin cute, i hate it.
"night jj."
"night sweetheart. love ya."
i know he says it every time. every night in fact. so why when he tells me that does it put a pit in my stomach?
and just like that, with his arms around me, hes peacefully asleep and im wide awake wondering what the fuck im doing.
#fic recs <3#dic recs <3#jj maybank need you by my side#mdni#my writing <3#jj maybank fics#jj maybank smut#jj maybank imagine#jj maybank x reader#jj maybank#short n sweet
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So I know op did awnser this pretty sucuncctly with what is the general consensus, but Im up and not supposed to bs so why not throw my hat in the ring? Vefore any of that can be a factor- Pride, interaction, ect, there is the hurdle that is the actual creation. You'll hear of many artists with dully fleshed out worlds, creations, dynamics planned, scrivbled out. But getting them down in a legible format is a hurdle. Having my little Visions and messaging my Friend with my incoherent ramblings at 3.27 is completely different from getting those ramblings shaped up and on paper. I have works that i am incredibly proud of in various stages. Some of them just thoughts, some of them notes, old physical works, realized but unedited roleplays on discord even. All of these are creations depending on the defition, but not nessicarily creations that others would be able to consume. Getting started is a hurdle. Art block (writers block too, but as writing is a form of art I can just use the original), motivation, time, energy. All of these are needed just to get the first legible draft on paper, no matter what form that takes. Then, most works have to go through a process of refining. Streamlining, typo checking, editing. Some could do with 3 or 4 rounds of polish, if not more. All this so the things in your head can be given to someone else. That's when the outside feedback comes in. When a lack of engagement informs a lack of motivation, and a stagnat audiance informs a stagnated revision process. But in truth, that's step 5. Most creators won't have commentors *before* they put out work. They'll begin to create because they get something out of creating, they share because they get something out of sharing.
So the reason I dont share my art is in large part because it cant be shared. Its screenshots from conversations Ive had over the course of months. Its snippets of dialouge and world building that have rested in my mind for years. Its there, but its not for you. And even if i wanted it to be, thats not something that I can just do.
wait okay question for. like. everyone. can i do that here? to the Creators who share and the creators who don't share
why do you share what you create? why don't you share what you create? why do you want to share certain creations and not others?
very simple. in terms of like writing and fanfic and whatever, the vast majority of us are not getting paid to do it. it’s a thing for fun. so there has to be some motivation for wanting to write it and that’s generally that you want to see what other people think of it. i’ll only post things i think people will read and that i’m also proud of. i’m also not going to waste my time on anything that people aren’t interacting with cause why do that when no one’s motivating you to finish it? people crave feedback and reactions. and you only get that really from sharing your stuff with someone else. so if no one engages with something you’ve done what are you to think other than that no one likes it and that it’s bad and you should stop wasting your time doing it?
#reblog#this almost certainly doesnt make sense#but yeah#i do have fanfic and origional stories. many of them written down#but none of them can be shared in the state theyre in now#and i have like 6 apoons each day i cant be doing this shit#no amount of 100% garubteed assured comments on my hypotetical work will give me the energy to get it done#if i had the energy to create in a form that could be shared I would be doing it. Comments help. but its rough out here.#getting started is the problem for me
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Hi, I hope you don't mind this message, and idk if anyone else has told you, but there's this troll going around on Tumblr named @/freethepuppet. They claim to be “fighting for justice in the puppet industry”, but really they're just sending hateful and threatening messages to Welcome Home and My Friendly Neighborhood artists/fans.
I myself have receive multiple death threats from this person, and they have sent threats to many of my friends over the matter, some of which are minors.
Because of this issue, I have decided to keep myself and my friends anonymous, especially considering the fact that @/freethepuppet intends to send threats to PartyCoffin himself, along with the creator behind My Friendly Neighborhood.
I just wanted to warn you about this person, so that you can block and report them, as well has tell others in the community about the troll. If you decide to ignore this, then that's fair and I respect your decision.
In any case, I hope you and your friends stay safe. Best of luck!!
blocked! thanks for letting me know! to add on to this, a little advice for everyone:
Don't Engage With This Person At All!
Don't Look At Their Stuff, Don't Respond To Messages, Don't @ Them Or Give Them The Time Of Day. Just Go Block Them And Let Them Exhaust Their Own Hate
#block and move on - thats the best way to deal with this sort of thing#dont give them a single millimeter to work with#they'll get tired of their own vitriol eventually#its like the best way to deal with assholes who say horrible things just to start shit: just ignore them completely#an 'ok. anyway-' will take the wind out of their sails better than any counterargument#they WANT you to engage. they WANT you to argue. they WANT you to waste your time on them#so. Don't!#block and ignore and move on with your day knowing that you're free from that bullshit <3#rambles from the bog#and you know? i hope that person gets better#no one goes out of their way to be so hateful unless they've got their own shit going on so.#even though i have them blocked! a message to that guy!#things Will get better. i hope that one day you look back on your hate blog with embarrassment and maybe some guilt#because you're in a happier - or at least more peaceful - state of mind#good luck man. ik its rough out there. you'll get through it
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I love the original Cars 2006 game so much. The one that got released on like GameCube and Xbox. I mean, I love all the Cars games(Cars 3 Switch game they did you dirty), but that's an entire story for another time giving my individual appriciation for all of them later. What I'm going to say here applies pretty well to the other games that are centered around the first movie as well like Race-O-Rama and Maternationals, but I'm specifcally rewatching the original one's cutscenes again because I don't want to restart my data every time I wanna go through the cutscenes again(even though I enjoy playing it so, so much), and I just love the atmosphere in it so much. Some of my favorite movie scenes are the ones where they don't have any music playing because I love to close my eyes and turn up the volume and just.. pretend I am right there with the characters and right next to them and stuff or that they're talking to me or such, and that is extra immersible when there isn't an entire orchestra going on(not that I am knocking at having music at all, I regularly go back and listen to the soundtracks from movies if they have them posted).
And the game doesn't really have any music at all during any of the cutscenes and the whole thing is like super..soft to me? Not soft as in like fluffy pillows and pink aesthetic soft, but soft as in like it's getting late out and so you're trying to be kinda hushed with your voice and there's not really anywhere you have to be so you slow down your pace and kick a couple of pinecones or rocks. If that makes any sense at all. Cause normally movies or shows(whether the whole series or each individual episode) have a certain plot or arc that is happening that everyone is focused on and consumes the whole thing, give or take a few moments. And while this game does have a particular thing so it can have a start and end to the story of the game, everything is framed in like a "Yeah, this is what they get up to in their freetime." And I don't know if you know but I love my slice of life stuff so sooooooo so so infinitely much. So getting to get that sort of content is really fun and perfect for me. It's like you're just actively hanging around them and getting caught up in whatever typical nonsense they end up in(assuming we are ignoring the whole monster truck bit), and the "OH THINGS ARE. HITITNG THE FAN." Or bigger development moments are saved for like the movies or something or whatever comes up in my head.
I'm not really entirely headed anywhere with this, I just wanted to put out some appriciation for the game and how nice the atmosphere is. I think it's also cause I really love getting to just sit and here them talk and there is a lot of casual conversation that happens and just plain dialog. Like it's not even filler dialog it's just talking and chatting. And I spend a stupid silly amount of time listening to voiceline compilations on YouTube so this is just the bees knees for me.
Thank you for the read though, may I offer you with a clip because APPERENRLY there's a limit to one clip per post that I am just now finding out about. I think I've already talked about the Litnig one anyway. Maybe I'll post it again later.
I uuuuguguhhh also perfectly reached the tag limit. If anyone needs anything to do in their freetime while bored or as a filler may I suggest reading this post and it's tags, you will be occupied for a while IFNFJCJFNS. I was half joking about reaching the tag limit as well. Well, we all saw it coming, it was going to have to happen one day. And go figure after a long absence that I was going to have it in me to do some running of my mouth...
I do want to say I am probably back now yall! Knock on wood- but I think the reign of my absence is over! Which I am especially hoping so for several reasons but also because I am so SO not done milking F/Ovember to its full extent. I spent too many months looking forward to that to not invest and rot my blog with it.
#honorable mention to Lightning encountering the tuners and they have some beef with each other and so Lightning goes to Wingo-#-and says “What? Are you going to slice and dice me with your spoiler?” AND IM. I LOVE THEM DONT GET ME WRONG BUT.#Lightning just obliterated them with that comment. Shot were fired and RETURNED TO SENDER.#I knowwww the movies are centered around Lightning going through character development but I hope they don't ever-#-completely take away his case of not being able to completely keep his mouth shut in certain moments.#Dare I say. He has a bit of sass to him. Which I mean I completely get why it's practically gone in the second and third movies-#-cause he's no longer an arrogant rookie. But I like to think if he really gets pushed then some of it will show. That it still lingers.#I mean. The second movie doesnt open up with him going “Cmon Mater. Im Lightning McQueen I can do anything!”#because he's entirely dropped any of his arrogance. because he hasn't.#Opening of Cars 3 and he's PLAYING PRAMKS WITH BOBBY AND CAL. And it is a RUNNING thing they have going on.#Let him be silly. He's silly guys.#I actually had other things that I wanted to mention here and then I got caught up in talking about Lightning whoops.#The entire game is centered around him okay what am I supposed to do.#Do I even dare go on my tangent about Chick now. Cause I will probably get close to the tag limits.#Okay I'm going to speedrun my thing of Chick.#Obligatory mention of his voice. uhm. I love the 180° attitude change that happens to him over this clip.#The entire game he is in like the racing official's camera's face about everything and now that I think about it at least-#-Cars 3 was right about giving him his own talk show. but. Chick shutting his mouth for a second and actually showing-#-proper concern over something that isn't tragically derived from something that is therapy worthy is such a sight to see.#Yea okay Kane you always talk about how the movies would be different if you were in it. Now how about the GAMES.#The games that have proper story and plot to them. I am not counting the Cars 2 games as plot.#1. becuase the DS one is just a rip of what extra stuff the movie WAS going to contain before it got cut down cause it was like 2 hours at-#-first. and 2. because the other Xbox game literally has 5 minutes of “This is a thing that is happening!”#Cars 3 Switch game is on the world's thinnest ice for having such a poorly slapped together thing to call a story or plot line.#THE PIXAR XBOX RUSH GAME AND DISNEY INFINITY ARE DIFFERENT.#I'm not going to say what those games have done to me because it will make me have to write a second novel and-#-I will be crying and frothing at the mouth. I should not have reminded myself of the Pixar Rush game.#If I make a post about Finn very soon do not be surprised. I mean. Dont be surprised in general. But extra dont be surrpsied here.#lightning❤️🧡💛#finn🩶💙
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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I've had both the worst and best year of my life simultaneously and that has been a lot ™️
#like it's been so bad lol#my grandma got super sick and i helped take care of here#which meant i had to make a 3 hour trip to and from jersey twice a week for several months#and then she died which i witnessed and tbh will probably never truly be able to get over#my plans of going to grad school fell through#we dont even need to talk about the fucking election#my body continues to betray me by having my weird undiagnosed medical condition to worsen#and now my teeth are shifting and my hair is falling out at a concerningly fast pace#my mental health is just so bad#but at the same time ive gotten to spend this year with such a wonderful and incredible person who i love with my entire being#and i dont even have the words to describe how wonderful that's been#i have never felt so loved and wanted and safe and protected in my entire life#and ive gotten to do so many cool things because of my girlfriend#it's just so weird to be so so so so incredibly happy yet fucking miserable at the same time#but im glad that ive had my partner to support me through this shit show because i honestly dont know what I'd do without them#life sucks but my god being in love makes it worth it#personal
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i also did more applying (and got 2 no's already which....hello autmated email after automated scan through website answers only looking at my school...certificate instead of current grades but whatever)
this means i am now awaiting 21 answers and gotta do at least 6 more letters and search for more
#txts#i made a spreadsheet#3 out of all those places seem good#and 11 are so low on info it can only be bad#like 'we offer 30 days vacation' ah like every other place#some offer NO info#or useful info#just like 'we offer drinks' and 'we sure enjoy working here' bitch tell me my salary and vacation days and hourly days and i am done#i dont need more#'we pay (partically) for your job ticket' ............so like everyone else as well#anyhow what does your salary say? like even for an apprentice/trainee role i need 1k a month to live on my own#and i will NOT go for less#unless its only a bit and one of the#number 1 spots#which arent on nr1 bc of low salary mind you#only one of them had none listed but asked me what i'd expect so they know i want 1k or above#we'll see#this is still hel#*hell#it takes HOURS just to send 15 applications out#AND you gotta dig through 3 different websites to even get all the info#they sure dont make it easy#which is laughable bc those positions are for IT so...like....aight#not a great first impression but aight
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This really was our yumenosaki academy♡
#sooo baaad even if i graduate in summer theyre not giving me the diploma til end of 2024??#lets all brainstorm how i can get shu's human comedy monologue up on a poster advertising the grad show... for funsies really#its in my intro to the essay but it doesnt really have much to do with the visuals. which is what i'll need to submit for the posters#hmm well... no thatd look bad. i could go open indesign now but i dont want to i wanna go homeee#ive given up on caring about the project im just committed to the bit the target audience is me myself and its my requiem to art#but ive been telling people about my visual project and they all said theyre really excited to see it...? but it takes me months#of severe despair to get a good concept sorted out. im glad they all said they cant wait to see it... im curious myself#tomorrow ill try to play with recording it. then really lock in to the visuals#what are we thinking. digital spaceship or a real life installation?#the setting is you as the audience are an intergalactic truck driver passing by earth tuning in to the radio listening to a professor#studying humans give a talk about them. mini podcast ig? intergalactic cultural radio vibes?#you get it#so the audio is quite important but then also the setting#do i make it digital and ppl put on headphones and watch a screen?#or do i make it an installation irl#it wouldve been quite good if i made it in vr but i have 3 weeks no experience in the medium and um. well. yeah#i think it's a nice goodbye since i get to project my views on humanity through the alien and also he's a revamped version of#my first ever proper oc. carl the alien#isnt that a nice way to end this journey for now? i think so.
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Thinking abt Sif Odile duo looping au again and I wanna be able to plot everything out more coherently but act 5 eternally looms overhead and boy I do not wanna look up
#rat rambles#stars posting#like I have a vague idea of some of the like themes I imagine being present late game but it doesnt change the fact that act 5 isnt very#duo looper au friendly especially in this case with most of the ideas I have#I rly want it to be both a breaking point for them as individuals and a breaking point for their relationship but idk how to go about that#fully taking the rest of the party into account especially since Im not even sure if I wanna give odile her own friendquests#like I Could but I also think it'd be fun for many reasons to not#and even if I Did itd be hard to justify having both be able to happen and go wrong in one loop#and theres not rly a good solution to that I think so my best bet is probably to just leave odile friendquestless#but Id rly like to still have odile quarrel with the rest of the party in a significant way#idk maybe it can be the scene where sif comes back to the lighthouse or smth?#like he comes back and odile just completely lashes out at him or smth and the others get rly upset with her#but then theres also the whole walk through the house that I have to figure out and Im also not set on how that should go#maybe it can be like reality almost splitting as they both try to use timecraft at the same time?#not sure how Id go about portraying that in story though since the rest of the party cant rly experience that I think#Im sure theres some way you could pull that off tho Im just too tired to have any good ideas atm#and then the biggest bastard comes in. mal moments.#like I cant just put them both there! that's not how that works!#and I dont wanna just leave them mostly vanilla thats boringgggg#but Id probably have to. alas.#afterwards is also a bit fuzzy but I have rhe general idea down#me and the bestie when we both made the same wish but dont know that and have both been falling into a spiral over it#(we dont even realize that the part of the wish that was the exact same was the core of the wish)#(we both just thought that we accidentally trapped the other with us in this hell)#(we also have been actively getting worse at communicating for months now so by the time the wishcraft stuff came up we were both deep in#the no feelings talky talk zone)#(we probably should have known smth was up when everyone started consistently thinking that we had a fight every loop)#(maybe we did but we just didnt want to admit they were right)#god I wish I was more confident with writing odile dialogue I wanna draw scenes from this au so bad#it doesnt help that I got too comfortable being into a media that had like 3 fans and now ppl might actually look at what I create
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going outside when it's 91 degrees out and taking pictures of the dozens of wasps flying around is absolutely one of my favorite activities it is so fun i HIGHLY recommended it
#they were so cute. i have SO many pictures but my camera died so i gotta wait a bit to go through them but i will be sharing bc i got some#really good ones there were a few wasps that sat real nice for me and i also i saw so many other cool bugs it was magnificent again#i HIGHLY recommend going out and taking pictures of bugs u dont even have to do it when the sun is directly above u and it's hot out#u can do it in other temperatures i prommy. Also! i m fairly certain i saw a bee fly and it was so cute!!! i was like!!!!! that looks that#that one pokemon it HAS to be a beefly and i will id it soon when i can access my pics but it was soooo cute <3#also the wasps are paper wasps not 100% sure which ones off the top of my head but def paper wasps#they were v chill some even came over and landed on my head it was fun#and im not kidding there were SO many like my photos are all of them close up and one at a time but there were never less than#5 right near me like there were so many i had to watch my step bc they were everywhere and i didnt want to hurt them#and they're so cute i got some good pics of them grooming and looking at me w their cute little eyes#also i saw a few jumping spiders (there are A TON around our house) but i did not get many pics bc they like sitting on the fence and#anytime i would come near to take a pic they would scurry around to the other side of the fence posts and stare at my w their big eyes#and run to the other side when i tried to move to get their pic so yeah they were too wary for pics today but that's okay i already#have soooo many pics of them lol
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game designers making their games extremely speedrun friendly and optimizing menuing is OUT
game designers purposefully adding in little weird bits into the game not to necessarily impeed the speedrun, but rather just because you're curious how the runners will handle it is IN
#buzzy#add a weird bit of glitchy looking movement into your game BLJ style with zero in game documentation and wait#see how long it takes them to find it. the chaos as they try and figure out the precise usage needed to make it run viable#bc okay it only works in these areas and the timings a bit tricky and if u fuck it up u can hit the killplane#oh also theres this One Item that makes u slightly faster but in order to obtain it u have to go through#the perfume department.....#i dont want game designers to fuck UP speedruns. i want them to fuck AROUND with speedruns a lil#add a tantilizing bit with a 'theres a mew under the truck' style thing that SEEMS fake but no literallt if you get there in time#you can actually get the item#but the timer for getting there is quite literallt impossible with normal gameplay. like not 'oh ho ho its a challenge!!!'#no its Literallt Impossible without glitching the game#but! this is important!#whatever you do do not purposefully put the glitch to get there im time in the game. does it exist? you dunno#just have it there as a tantilizing little mystery. is a 3:21 on this level even possible? even the fastest runners can only get 4:16#maybe someday they will figure it out and if they do it will break the entire fucking game open#anyway will your Weird Little Thing be a crucial part of the speedrun? completely ignored in favor of faster tech?#mostly just a fun bit of trivia for commentators at events/weird trick to show off?
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run out of meds and the new system i was switched to for delivering them does not get in contact to book a new delivery and there is no way to do it online either wtf shit is this
#they contacted me for the first delivery so i assumed they would do so again but its like they forgot they only gave me less than#a month in pills#what is with these sparse amounts its not like theyre fucking addictive#i dont even want to take them but i want to get through the 3 months so i can talk to my doctor#losing hope that any meds will help tbh all i can hope for is preventing progression and deformity
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have to be honest guys its actually going Really Badly again.
#j.txt#vent#barest thread holding me back right now and I dont even know what to do to fix it besides trying to repress it as deep as possible#I'm just. so overwhelmed and tired and frantic all the time. Work is giving me authority positions I didnt ask for and am not paid to do#my family is insane as always and I'm extra on edge around them bc I can just sense the impending fallout-#from when they realize Im taking hormones. Not that that is actually happening yet bc my insurance is fucking me over#the pharmacy keeps pushing back the date for getting my t (should have had it 3 weeks ago. did not happen.) and I might end up having to pa#nearly Two Hundred Dollars for i dont even know how much of a supply bc of the fucked insurance thing.#And I cant even talk to my therapist about any of this bc my old schedule wont work anymore but I cant get in touch with the office to#see what other openings they may have. and some of the weird nebulous resentment-inducing stuff with my old friends is coming back bc#I hung out with one of them recently and it somehow it Still hurts like a fresh wound despite how often I tell myself Im resigned to being#treated the way I am. I barely have time to spend with the friends I do still have pleasant relationships with so I cant even talk through#any of it like that. and to round it all off my dysphoria has gotten so agonizing of late bc i finally had hope i would be on hrt#but. gestures at earlier topic. my hopes of that are being quickly and brutally slaughtered so.#its just. like genuinely what is the point of any of it. how is This what my life is supposed to be. I know I dont deserve very much#but surely I havent sinned so terribly as to earn misery like this.#and I'm not even strong enough of will to *** about it. pathetic really#I just want one day to feel even neutral abt being alive without having my feet swept from under me by some new unbearable Thing developmen
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