#i dont even know how to comprehend this . um . im not christian for one so me and jesus are not friends

[springtidesnowfall]

Yo talk to my home boy Jesus he says you still gotta a bunch of concerts you need to see live

what

[forg0ttenmem0ry]

its almost 5 am i cant sleep, granted i woke up at noon this morning, but also i went to bed at like 4am last night. and a flood of depression just sunk into me and im wondering if ill ever get my much needed therapy. for a while ive been having the weirdest signs that i should maybe get help. but also water is wet im aware i know. one of my psych professors has this saying that we cant go into this field if we don't do our own time helping ourself. ive had two dreams about seeing myself from the outside. in one a version of myself from senior year appeared and i was afraid of her but upon asking people if they saw her too i realized it wasnt an hallucination. in another i lucid dreamed back to when i was a child to film myself and my brother to have those memories and remember them. when i was driving home at night a black cat ran from right to left and i almost hit it. and then about a week later i almost hit another Black cat that ran across the street the opposite direction from left to right . interesting. seems like it was some type of message as if undoing its crossing . or going back and then going forward. im just rambling because im too stupid to journal anymore . i cant stop thinking about how meaningless human life is and how unfixable our minds are. how we are trapped more by the uncontrollable confines of our minds rather than my government and society - although they are what get into our minds with subliminal messages and advertisements. our mortalness as beings is almost too morbid to comprehend. and i cant help but wonder whats worse if a heaven didnt exist and we just end with our spirit and mind becoming absolete and disintegrating forever or living in a heaven forever infinitely going on forever and never ending. its almost as if neither can exist fully. ive always hated fully thinking out either of those concepts. and also my bisexuality is really fucking me up inside because of the whole christianity hates homosexuality idea. even though i wrote an entire research paper on how the bible does not claim it is wrong. so yeah therapy needed. but like also for the unresolved trauma in my life. and also im barely beginning to actually acknowledge traumatic events from my childhood, rather recognize that i NEVER EVER HAVE PROCESSED THEM not once. i never ever fucking fully acknowledged or dealt with or even allowed them to touch my emotions at all and i actually never realized that. it seems almost impossible that that's even possible but it is . everythings buried as soon as its happened a dead seed that never grew never sprouted, only sank and hardened. when maybe they should be dug up and repotted and given opportunity to move forward, become lighter and bloom and then die. take off the weight. and im wondering how ive never really received my own therapy,,, and i dont really care im posting this because its my account and if im not gonna physically write it i should keep it somewhere and if anyone actually read this then maybe um dont its not that important 5:05am 10/17