#i don't want to spend another year “improving myself” and now i have even less income what the hell

[doesnotloveyou]

it's so fun applying to jobs you're both qualified for and experienced in and waiting months for an interview then three days for a phone call then nothing :) it's so fun!

[pettyprocrastination]

I turn 23 in 30 minutes

(discussion of mental health, depression, and body image/body weight).

I'm queuing this post ahead of time in hopes that by midnight I will be asleep like a responsible adult because I do in fact have work in the morning (fixing my sleep schedule is a slow and steady race I promise you all) but this is just a sort of. reflection? on my year and my thoughts on reaching another big age.

nobody needs to look at this- I'm just using this as a journal because I'm pretty sure mine is still in the trunk of my car from when I went on vacation.

anywhoo. I turn 23 in 30 minutes. And its. weird?

But still nice.

I started this year off in a horrendous spot.

I was 112 lbs, still working my shit retail job where i'd go and cry in the bathroom just about every single shift for the next two months. I didn't want to eat, sleep, shower, or interact with anybody. I hadn't felt like this since my stepfather died and even then it wasn't as severe. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, I felt like a ghost in my own body.

But slowly, things began to improve.

I have a new job now, a 9 to 5 that I enjoy yet I'm unfortunately going to have to return to the job hunt soon so I can find one that gives me benefits as I can't stay on my family's health insurance forever (the joys of adulthood) but It still feels good to have that dedicate schedule where I get to work with my hands and get paid for it every Monday through Friday.

I'm spending more time with my friends. Last week I spent a week at the beach with a dear friend of mine and a collection of her own friends, none of which I had met before. I was absolutely petrified initially but had the time of my life with them all, ending the wonderful experience with going to my first ever concert and crying from the joy of it all. (it was hozier.)

I'm pushing myself to do more and go out- I'm in a coaching position for my roller derby league, I recently attended a practice scrimmage with players who have been in this sport for 8+ years and while I fully believed I didn't belong in this space, I was able to hold my own and had so much fun getting to play with all of them. I don't know if i'll be able to try out for the state league because of scheduling- but maybe some day further down the line.

I took a day trip out of state to go to an all women's gym with friends at my university before I graduated. One thing to know about me is that I go to the gym alone about 99.9% of the time. I'm not good at social situations, especially ones in new areas so the notion initially was one I was ready to dismiss- but how often do you get chances like that?

I've signed up for my first ever powerlifting meet. I'm still very new to the gym with less than a year of weight lifting under my belt, but i've told myself this is the year to push myself and become somebody I'm proud of nobody how hard it is going to be. I've always loved powerlifting and want to get into the sport so bad but I can't afford a coach nor do I want to sign up for a full competition without knowing the ins and outs of the first event. I found a local deadlifting competition for a pride foundation next month and signed up for it with the goal of increasing my deadlift by at least 10 lbs by then. I'm simply competition against myself and trying to see how much I can progress during that time, which is something I really love about the sport. I'm still a fucking lightweight loser when it comes to heavy lifting- but at least this way I'll be able to see what a meet is like and learn what to expect.

I started going to therapy beginning of February/late January. It's been a saving grace honestly. Having an unbiased professional I can sit and talk and cry to has been quite the saving outlet. I rent a private study room at the library once every week for our meetings and it's become a little ritual of my own that i'm quite fond of now. (take this as your reminder that your local public library has so many amazing resources that even if you don't read often you can still use!!) though I've only been going for a few months, it's helped me drastically in how I view myself and letting others in during moments of weakness.

I'm allowing myself to rely on my friends. It isn't easy. And honestly sometimes I fucking hate it and feel pathetic for it- but my friends have been there for me so goddamn much within the past few months I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. There are days where I'd rather curl up In my bed and not speak to a single soul about how I feel because there's nothing I fear more than being a burden to those I love- but I have to remind myself that they want to be there for me the same way I want to be there for them. If they need me to pull back they'll simply communicate that desire and I will do so, but I can't keep assuming the worst when I need to rely on somebody for love and support. It's hard to not feel like a burden in those moments, that I'm exhausting those I love- but I also know I would do the same for them any day of the week. "Shared joy is double the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow".

I'm back at 124 lbs. I know it may not seem like much to others but gaining back that 12 lbs over four months has been such an uphill battle not only due to my own genetics+metabolism that makes gaining weight a fucking pain in the ass, but also keeping myself accountable when my mental health is at an all time low to still eat full meals and take care of my body. The moment I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers I cried real tears. I still want to gain more weight, but seeing that improvement helped me realize I am in fact improving and not just staying in this permanent transition period of stagnation for the rest of my life as I've feared.

I'm kinder to myself. At least, I'm trying to do so. I've found that the reality of life is that it's infinitely easier to blame yourself for everything and rot in self loathing rather than take a step back to go "actually- that's not true" and find the strength to go forward while also being aware of what you can do to better yourself as a person, not just for others, but for your own sake at well.

That being said- not every day is meant for self-analysis and introspection. Some days it's okay to just cry and eat some fucking candy bars on the couch my friends.

I'm slowly finding the joy and energy to write again. It's been a hassle to do so- working a 9 to 5 while also going to the gym and then doing chores leaves very little time and energy for other passions- but I've found it's annoying but meaningful work to dedicate time for the little things that make you happy. I've started by promising myself to limit my screentime by not using my phone as much during the day- my lunch breaks at work are spent typing away on a little e-ink word processor I treated myself to instead of doom scrolling on my phone. I've written three short little stories on it, some of them fanfiction others are not- while also beginning a horror project that i've thought about for a year now and want to see where it will go in the end. It's nothing as grand at the 10k beautifully written fics you all create- but I'm finding my passion again and it feels quite nice. I'd like to create something submission worthy this summer, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I'd like to set myself the goal of being able to afford an apartment next year. My family plans on moving cities within a year so it will give me time to save up more money and maybe even get back to making little things on the side to help earn some extra pocket cash for that dream while also paying off my student loans.

I'm not anywhere near the woman I thought i'd at 23 when I was 18 years old. I still live at home, I'm not using my major for my career, nor am I doing anything particularly astounding in my life. But I think that it's okay- and I'm proud of the progress I have made to get myself to this position.

Tomorrow I will spend my birthday at work. Then I will go for a walk (or perhaps a skate?) listen to some music, treat myself to a little sweet drink in my budget and then go see the challengers movies. Maybe with my friends, maybe by myself. I'm not sure yet. I will likely cry at some point during the day, I always do on my birthday.

But I know that I am growing. Even if Its hard to see.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

Real pleased with the progress in the yard so far, and fine-tuning the next steps as I go

Projects I noticed while working on the reseeding today:

Need to build and hang some bee boxes and then scrub down the deck with a citronella seal to hopefully convince the carpenter bees to relocate - also need to redo the deck frankly but that's a long-term thing and I'd really like to have access to a woodlot first and plane our own boards rather than buying them. Even in bulk from a lumbermill that's more money than I'd like to spend for proper hardwoods like oak and cherry

Need to buy a sythe/machete for the tall invasives by the creek - once the ground is cleared, going to turn our old olive oil tins into lizard houses, and reseed with strawberry corn, sunflowers, cardoons, witch hazel, and ground cherries

Need to call the city and find out who is legally allowed to bring down the willow across the creek that got uprooted during Helene and has been threatening to fall onto our fence ever since. Happy to do it myself if I'm allowed, but would rather the other land owner handle it, unfortunately it's not a person, it's a company so I have no idea how to talk to them about this except through the city.

Need to smash a pumpkin and throw some budding sweet potatoes into the compost and really hill up the hay on top so I can have a pumpkin and sweet potato patch for my leetle ladies tasty treat times

I need to sprout the red plum seeds and prep the temporary pots for when they're ready to transplant outdoors, might consider planting them directly in their own loosened hale bales, esp if I can let the chickens have at the bales over winter first.

Speaking of which, we need more hay. I need to call my hay guy and ask how much another 50 bales of clover hay will cost me

Need to bury the logs under hay and compost to start byilding raised beds and improving the topsoil quality, ideally I'll seed the swales with wetland/riparian plants so that as the swales smother the lingering invasives, the plants can sprout up on top with all that yummy organic matter

Need to buy/make root veggie sacks to bury in the compost and new topsoil so I can grow even while I'm still making new topsoil

I need to make sure to include wildflowerd in the spring compost and reseed, because we're starting to get some volunteering which means the soil is recovered enough to play good host and I want to speed that up

Gotta make some starter plots around the chicken run and the dog run to regularly re-establish groundcover in them given how much the chickens and dogs tear up the grass

Need to build a chicken tractor to use in future years to control overgrowth and compost growing beds after harvest

Need to build a water table for lettuces and greens, ideally linked up to the rainbarrel water storage system

Need to keep expanding the chicken run now they're all enjoying it so Elvira is less of an asshole, and reinforce under the coop so no one gets stuck under the foundation

Reinforcing the creek bank (witch hazel and red plum tree and creeping thyme) behind the dog run so we don't lose integrity of the fence.

Paint the house some goddamn colors holy FUCK

Keep making braids for cat and chicken toys

Maybe enclose the upper deck for a four season cat porch

Set up some 7-10 gallon pots on the deck for growing ginger and lemongrass and other culinary/medicinal plants we need to keep out of the topsoil

Make a plant ID booklet for use during harvesting

Make a recipe book to guide cut and come again use

Set out a shaded table at the top of the drive with places to set out eggs, produce, preserves, etc that we're not going to be able to use up for give away - should make sure to put a sign up to officially let folks know they can take what they like.

Start passionflower vines by the creek and back fence

Fill the front yard with flax

Plant a broomsedge, scouring rush, water cress, plaintain, American Trout Lily, alumroot, phlox, chickweed, creeping blueberries,culinary sumac, and primrose propogation bed by the creek to crowd out the last invasive ground covers (apparently the native ground covers have done a GREAT job smothering most of the invasives in the yard, and there are only a few invasive vines and crabgrass left actually. Everything else is native wetland grasses and galax. Just....so much galax lmao

I might look into canebrrak bamboo as well, that would be extremely useful for fiber production holy shit

I definitely want a stand of Indigo for dyes and inks

I still want my pawpaws and wild olive and wild black rum cherry trees so they'll probably go in the front where the crabapples are now. I could probably make a lil lumber out of the bigger crabapple and a nice cat toy out of the smaller one.

It would be great to get a Broom Hickory or a chinquapin, too, but I'm prioritizing the pecans

A sugar berry would be lovely, they're kind of nothing on their own, but if you use them in preserves of other fruits, they come out AMAZING

Coreopsis my beloved <3

I need to flesh out my medicinal garden too, and I'm thinking about waterleaf. It would be AMAZING for my skin condition, particularly for my feet, but I'm not sure I can harvest and use it fast enough given its growth habit the leaves and shoots are ostensibly edible, so maybe if we a consistent about cutting them back for the greens that will keep the rhizomes focused on growing rather than spreading.

Bayberry would be extremely useful for making plant waxes and butters, but I'm in the same position as the waterleaf, esp since they're even less readily edible lol

I think that's everything so far, which is good because it's already a year's worth of work lmao

[getmylifetogetherwme]

What Are My Goals? (+ a little backstory)

Hi again!

I figured my next post should definitely center around introducing what goals I want to achieve.

Well, as I said in my last post (which you should read if you want a bit more background on me), I am in my senior year of undergrad, but that definitely doesn't mean I'm done with school. Nope. In fact, the goal is to go straight into a master's program. Then after that, even more academia (yay!), but that's getting too far ahead of ourselves. Let's stick with the near future for now.

I know to get into a good master's program, I have to keep my grades up. That's among my goals for this year: keep those grades UP.

This semester is quite the mess. Not only do I have ochem 2, a subject I am practically allergic to fully understanding, but I'm also taking another god forsaken subject: physics. If you are one of those gifted individuals who just "get it," know that I envy you tremendously. They are the bane of my undergraduate existence. The only thing standing between me and my degree, I fear.

My goal is to get all A's this semester. An ambitious goal (when I consider my history with these subjects, ochem 1 resulted in a B) but one I think I can seriously achieve if I dedicate myself the way I know I can. So there's one goal: Study, study, study. And when I think I'm through studying? More studying.

Another goal I have for myself is working out. I do workout, but I am insanely inconsistent as of late. I want to work out consistently. Not only is it good for me, but I also feel really good when I do it. It just feels good to feel strong, you know. I've been going for a few weeks, and I've seen some improvement already, but I've just been really inconsistent diet wise, so I'm not seeing many results. Let's segway into that: I want to eat better.

And when I say I want to "eat better," I don't mean I want to restrict myself or anything like that. I'm uninterested in becoming this ultra health person who can't live a little. The deal is: chemotherapy affects a lot of things. To be honest, I try not to think about it much, but I do have to wonder how much it'll affect my health later on in life. I know I did what I had to do, but I really wanna lessen the blow of it as much as I possibly can. I think I can do that through diet and exercise, even if it's a fairly small difference. When it comes to my diet, I want to prioritize fiber and lean protein. Protein, of course, because I really would like to gain muscle. So far, I'm very inconsistent with my protein intake. Not only that, but I spend way too much money on eating fast food. I don't want to be too strict with myself, so of course I can get some chicken nuggets every once in a while, but fast food is not as cheap as I think it is in those moments! I swear, every meal is literally like 10 dollars. Am I the only one who remembers when a meal was like 7?? It is genuinely a problem, especially since I should be saving for a car right now. Yikes. So those are some of my diet goals: more protein, more fiber; less eating out.

Another goal: save money. Well, folks, it's time. I absolutely have to save money. I've missed out on so many opportunities because of my lack of reliable transportation. It seriously holds me back from internships, shadowing, etc.. I have a license, but it's hard to always have to borrow my mom's car, especially considering my uni is quite a bit away. So one of my goals is to save up a good chunk of money to buy something used that'll get me from point A to point B. I'm not really the type of person who needs a "fancy" car. I just need something reliable. Something that'll go the distance. I've heard good things about Hondas and Toyotas, but even used, those are a bit expensive. The goal is something in that realm though, so saving money really has to be prioritized.

Finally, I just really want to take care of myself. I've been at odds with myself for a while, my entire adolescence basically. I've just now in recent years (the last two or so) become a bit more "at peace" with who I am + who I've become. Before, I kinda saw my body as this enemy, and now, I'm learning to love it - learning to love me. To do things for myself, because I want to - because I think I deserve to give those things to myself. I don't want to be too harsh on myself about anything, but I want to nudge myself towards the goals I so very badly want to achieve.

These are just a few of the things I am currently wanting to strive towards and accomplish.

My future posts will be about these topics and perhaps other goals. I plan on doing weekly goals, weekly recaps, updates about specific goals, what I'm doing to achieve those goals, etc. etc.. All in the name of accountability. For example, I think it would be really cool if I do posts about how my fitness journey is going, like what sort of progress I'm making PR wise (I'm lifting weights now!). Then, I'll do weekly uploads going through just about everything I studied, read, etc. etc..

If you're interested in reading about all of this sort of stuff, you should give my blog a follow! I'd also recommend you read my first post if you're a bit confused or curious about the purpose of this blog and or myself.

Thank you for reading,

-C

[tenebrius-excellium]

Personal progress in life (long and mixed) below :) ↓ It's really mixed now lol O_O. No longer bad! Can't believe myself sometimes. But do beware the mixed.

Hiii. Today it's at this point where it's a sunny Saturday and I could easily do nice Things (and I'm going to, don't worry) but for the moment I'm still sitting around not doing anything much because. I just scrolled past a wonderful woman on social media who happily described just how easily she is able to do stuff without depression now and just how much she gets accomplished before 8am in the morning and I got massive wiplash from that cuz. Yeah. Yes. Can relate. It really is like that. It's surprising just how light everything gets when there's not a crushing weight of pressure and anxiety bearing on your soul. A weight that normal people don't feel at all and get the luxury to call lazy. And it's still petrifying.

Cuz like. There were two crucial momentums of change that drastically improved my life in a way where it now definitely feels livable.

One was emotional and one was physical. The one was about finally contacting my bio family. Things just radically clicked into place. The other was about discovering and treating my dangerous-level iron deficiency.

I feel good, y'all. The family thing just gave me so much peace and quiet on the inside. It's called a proper identity. Knowing who you are. The iron support is what gets me up at 8am now instead of the old 11:30. I'm in less female pain and my body feels more strong and stable. I'm less cold. I'm bristling with so much energy that it actually feels uncomfortable because I was used to sleeping so much more. I get up at 8 now, but I easily could do 6 now if I chose so. I did that. Last weekend. Without coffee. I did not need an afternoon nap. I could have gone til past midnight. It feels super awkward to not be tired, because I don't dare spend all that energy yet. It feels fake.

(And the craziest thing? I'm still iron deficient. Just getting a little better made that much of a difference.)

People in the social media lady's comments claimed "maniac phase". No. Sometimes, you really push the right button and things click into the places where they're supposed to be. Sometimes you get that eureka moment, and everything changes for the better longterm.

It's just... I know that there's another button that I need to find and push to truly achieve the ability to steer the course of my own life. I believe it's another emotional one, and I do NOT look forward to dealing with that. I don't really know how to, anyway. The other two moments didn't happen out of rational decisions that were made upon observation of what was wrong with me. It was desperation both times that drove me to the solution. I did not have the strength or the courage for either, it was pure desperation and this 'fuck it I might as well fuck it up even more' mentality (sorry for language).

So right now I'm back in this sort of frenzy where I don't want to deal with stuff but I HAVE to because all that's left is the financial part. And I need to grow up. I'm completely frozen in that area; can't hold down a job for a DAY without thinking about a breakdown. I don't know exactly what this is tied to, and I want to be done searching so badly. But what if I am done. And what if I don't like what I found?

My point is, I guess, that I'm doing pretty amazing (yay!) :) but at the same time, I'm sort of staring blank at the year-long struggles that it always takes to get to those eureka moments. It's traumatizing in its own way to think that the solution could have been there all this time. It's frustrating to humiliate myself over and over in front of people who expect me to get better "because I'm an adult" but don't think it necessary to help me "because it's not their responsibility". I'm ashamed. I'm embarrassed. I'm not ready to go the step that I likely need to take, mostly because I don't want to look weak in front of those people who "told me so" but never stepped in to help. Also partly because I'm afraid that I'll mess it up even more (same fear as the last two times). Partly because I had values and they didn't hold. My faith is in shambles. I don't attend Church anymore. I feel God in close proximity, but I feel my humanity as being a distinctly different creature than "spirit-breathed" more than ever before. I am soil. I am earth. I am a separate thing. I used to be so detached from my body that I didn't feel that. Now I do.

Point is, maybe I don't want to get better right now, maybe I want to enjoy what I have and no longer work on myself. But that means I'll be broke in approximately 10 days or so cuz the finance thing is still a black hole of can't-do. I have savings for one month but I need to restock on clothes and simply...want to want more, too. I would actually like to expand on almost everything in my life right now instead of being barely floating. Anyway. I'm waiting to hear back from an employer rn (heard No from another). Don't really have the guts to apply for more jobs because I would simply be lying to them about my ability. Would promise big things, then quit after three months. It's happened before. Can't do that to them.

Why am I sharing this here, again? Ah well. Gets it out of the system. I don't know how to pray right now. Let's call this a prayer, then.

To be fair, being unpunctual and barely standing on a job are factors that used to be issues that have now been happily solved through the physical recovery! So taking a job might not be as bad as it used to be! However, I'm more worried about my mind at the moment.

If I miiiiight really be hitting rock bottom financially, I guess I'm preemptively asking for some help as well? If things really got super bad, which I would send another notification about, would some people be hypothetically willing to donate when the time comes? I did this once before in 2020 I think, and it was about 50€. This time, it would be about 300€. But it would be a one-time thing. I wouldn't ask for help on here twice. Just a preemptive thought. Don't do anything that is not on your heart. I'm trying to prepare through other means, of course, to avoid the plunge into red numbers. Anywho. Yeah. Not a definitive thing yet. But it might become one. Just saying.

If you read all the way down here, you must really care about me. Thanks A LOT. This has helped to get my thoughts out, and I'm glad to share my general improvements with you. If I used to share my deepest, darkest moments on here, here's to the stony but steady climb up into the sunlight, and cheers to the huge improvements that have already taken place :) Thanks for walking with me!

Love

Reddie

[ladyniniane]

Endings and beginnings

Below some musings and me being emotional on main (and I will try to stay coherent even if my skull is currently being split in two by a headache. Sorry for the typos).

Yesterday I reached 30k in my NaNoWriMo but more than that, I wrote the last words of my Fire Emblem Three Houses Fanfic La geste des preuses/Quatre guerrières (Song of the valiants/Four warriors).

(By the way if you want to read the thing, it's here or here. It's still being updated and it's good. Or so I was told ;) ).

Yes, after 1 year and 9 months working on it, I finally wrote the last words. And it ended with a character who started the story suicidal saying out loud and she wants to live and exist in the present. What a perfect way to end this.

The whole thing is certainly more than 150k long (idk how long it is really.)

It's my first time committing to a project of this scale. So that's a huge personal achievement. I remember that, when I got the idea, I told a friend: "I did something crazy". Because yes, 4 main characters, long fanfic...it was something else. I didn't imagine that I would get this long.

When I began writing it, my mental health was improving and I was starting to get in a better place. However, I still struggled with writing. I had previously finished an original project, but I still somehow lived with a hater in my head. I was afraid of failing and I doubted my ideas and my writing. I even doubted when I saw pretty stupid (IMHO) takes on Tumblr. I was like "no one will ever want to read this". (Since then, I've learned to block and ignore).

Doing it and sticking to it was the best decision I could take. It bolstered my confidence and taught me to write consistently and without worrying. Thanks to this story, I've spend many amazing moments and met amazing people (more about that later).

Here are some of the things I learned

-Write for myself and write what I want to see and be unapologetic about that. Yes it's niche and it isn't the way to be popular in fandom (not that I care about that). But it's what I like. And it's by having fun that I will create something I'm proud of.

-Screw perfectionism. It prevents you from getting things done. I'm doing this for free and on my free time. So it won't be perfect. But that's okay because even professional writers make mistakes.

-My writing style improved, I learned to properly write dialogues and to make my sentences less...wordy. I've also challenged myself into writing stuff that I didn't easily write.

I also want to thank all the people who supported me. First of all is the incredible @lilias42. Thank you for your energy, your advice and for still being there. Your FE stories are amazing and well thought, keep going!

Same goes to all the people who left kudos, votes and comments on AO3 and Wattpad. And even to those who read silently. You made it possible!

Maybe I still don't realize that it's over...because it's not! I still have many chapters to proofread!

In the future, I also want to go back to original projects. I still don't know if I want to get published or not, but I know that I've learned and progressed. And I'm sure that all this will be useful.

So what now? For the rest of the NaNo I will board the Ravka Express and write another chapter for my Shadow and Bone OC, Marya. And I will also begin a brand new project that is a sort of sequel of Four warriors! Did you think I was done with Fodlan ;)?

[onyxisnotuniqueenough]

About Karen Page

so. i know this weird little argument should've ended long ago. but i'm in the process of rewatching the defenders saga and i'm actually in the middle of s2 of Daredevil....AND YES I WANNA WRITE A WHOLE TUMBLR POST ABOUT KAREN OK

but first, i wanted to give a little extra info or context or whatever i'm supposed to call it

here are the links to the posts relevant here

0 (me)

1 (me)

2 (me)

3 (nyxxhecate)

4 (nyxxhecate)

5 (nyxxhecate)

also the comments count too. look at whatever nyxxhecate commented on these posts

I unblocked nyxxhecate since i first blocked them, out of honest curiosity. right before i'm writing this actually.

I just wanted to see if they've commented anything else since then or if they made posts on their own about their opinions on Daredevil. Three of the links above are their posts, and idk if tumblr notifies for that but I still don't want to @ them.

I'm not interested in debating with them or starting another argument, and couldn't care less of they see this or not. I am not writing to this person like i was in my other posts, nor am i answering to their comments or whatever points they brought up in their reblogs.

there is ONE thing they said that rang with me though :

"knock your fucking self off that pedestal you're trying to put yourself in. Imagine the level of delusion one must have to think they're intelligent because, *checks notes* they typed in word salad to defend why they like two atrocious TV characters LMAO. You're on Tumblr not the fucking Congress, get a grip IJBOL"

I'm gonna be honest here - I DO enjoy typing word salad. I enjoy writing. I enjoy writing essays. I enjoy trying to use exact words to say what i want to say.

English is my second language, technically, yes, but I have been speaking it for more then ten years, and i'm doing my best to improve because i'm hoping that i'll get to work in english some day. My accent isn't perfect but I'm confident in my spelling and writing and everything.

I've been raised in french, I've done primary, middle and high school in french, and my uni is also french-speaking. I write everything in french all of the time. But since i've taught myself to think in english first sometimes, and none of my irl friends or family like Daredevil or Breaking Bad or anything i like in general - I don't get many chances to argue irl.

So yes, I use Tumblr as an outlet to type as much as I want, even if that means talking to a wall, but at least i get to talk about (IN LENGTH) things i love - and open some kind of discussion (although i'm not blind, i know that rarely anyone replies or anything, but that will hopefully come in time)

---

Now that that's said - let's get to the actual main course :

Karen Page !

As I've said in the beginning i am in the middle of s2 of DD, just finished EP6 : Regrets Only to be precise. I've already got a few things to say.

but first : I'll only talk about her in S1 and S2 and Defenders - because believe it or not, as much as I love Daredevil I AM SORRY but I HAVE NOT YET WATCHED SEASON 3. i miraculously haven't been spoiled about much, all I know is that Matt wakes up in church after his "death", boxes there, there's some kind of detective that seems important and he fights with Fisk again in his black outfit. THAT'S ALL I KNOW AND LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

So.

what do i, Onyx LastName, think of Karen's character.

On my first watch, I didn't like her at all.

Not because she was a "hypocrite"or whatever everyone else is spewing but because I had this huge crush on Matt and was jealous of her.

I'll admit, that's all that my judgement was based on. I thought I didn't like her chemistry with Matt, the way that it made the Nelson-Murdock-Page trio awkward, and how it left Foggy on the sidelines. I like him. I related to him. He was suffering of Sidekick syndrome, with Matt getting powers, getting to be the hero, getting all the ladies, etc etc. I spent my whole life and I'm still actually spending it feeling like I have Sidekick Syndrome myself. If you also feel like you got that you'll know what I mean.

"So Foggy has a special place in your heart. Boohoo. what does that have to do with anything?" You've read this far and you're JUST NOW running out of patience??

Since that initial watch, and after watching countless videos, reading countless fanfics, and honestly my taste just having changed - my perspective of Matt shifted, and so has my opinion on Karen.

I don't think i'm blinded by my attration to Matt anymore, even if he still holds a special place in my heart.

But unfortunately, I still have some issues with Karen's character.

I don't think I've ever really talked about it on here, except maybe with a friend or two in dms, but it's true that I don't really like her. Or how was she was written. This post is not structured or outlined, it's a stream of consciousness...so let's hope i get the answer to that by the end of it.

Now i'm nowhere near agreeing with ANY of what nyxxhecate said, but knowing I wanted to have a definitive opinion of her and make a post about it maybe, I've been looking at her closely during my rewatch - and there are some things I've missed.

So, first, to correct my previous post,

Why is Karen attracted to Matt in the first place?

I made my post about the Foggy and Karen thing before rewatching and refreshing my memory of the ACTUAL EVENTS. I just wrote that in passing after seeing a reaction of that "date" at Mrs. Cardenas.

Here is an updated take :

I think Karen fell for Matt when she first lied to him about keeping the Union Allied file.

You just lived through an intense traumatic experience. You find yourself with a bloody knife in your hand next to the lifeless body of someone you knew and found really nice. Someone tries to hang you in your prison cell at night to make it look like you killed yourself, and no one believes you.

until Nelson and Murdock come in. You're not sure about their intentions at first but they seem kind and most importantly they believe you and are willing to defend you. They're giving you a chance. Not good samaritans but literal guardian angels.

While Foggy is hesitant at first, Matt "I believe you Miss Page"s you right off the bat. (everything's a verb if you squint hard enough)

Matt invites you to his place and assures he'll protect you.

Matt opens up about his blindness and is willing to be vulnerable in front of you.

Matt gives up his silk-sheeted bed to make sure you're comfortable.

All of that when you're vulnerable and Matt is tall and handsome and has this charming smile and ugh. How not to fall for him ? I mean you're wearing his shirt and the beautiful pink lighting in his living room is making everything all romantic. Also if you've noticed the billboard outside his window is for "Xining Airways", company that uses CHERRY BLOSSOM imagery in their advertisement. COME ON.

But then you get to talking about the case again - I mean the reason you're here in the first place - and he asks you an important question.

Did you keep the file?

You lie and say you didn't, feeling your heart beating faster. You're not even sure that sounded convincing at all. And you see the cogs turning in his head, and even if he let you off the hook, you know deep down he didn't really believe it. May seem like me extrapolating here but it IS obvious that he doesn't believe her. But as long as he's not pushing further, that doesn't change much for Karen anyway.

I think that his expression reads that he's seeing right through her.

He believed her when no one else would the first time - but seemingly for no reason.

Matt just KNEW you didn't do it. He saw right through you. You almost feel like he knows what you're thinking.

And again, that kind of connection that you're feeling, in an especially emotionally vulnerable state - plants the seed for love. EASILY.

Any of their awkward flirting before they started dating i am willing to close an eye on.

AFTER THAT? that's just cruel to Foggy and unprofessional and weird in general. Why the HELL are you holding hands in front of whatever DA or cop you just talked to to walk in Frank's hospital room?

Why are you kissing in front of Foggy???

I can understand the thing at Josie's but when you're in the middle of dealing with an extremely important case and Elektra's driver shows up out of nowhere and you're abandoning your partner in a situation that you created and ugh. ew. It's all so weird.

I don't like Karen and Matt dating any more than I did on the first watch but I don't see it through jealousy-tinted glasses and more for what it actually is. misplaced.

Season 2 is the least favorite Daredevil season of anyone I've ever met or talked to and I completely agree that the structure is strange, even if I get what they wanted to do with juxtaposing

Daredevil/Elektra/Hand stuff

and

Matt/Karen/Punisher stuff.

This juxtaposition, while I kinda get the vision, just isn't working. The Hand is the worst plot I have ever seen in my life, and that applies to Defenders too, so that's one reason, but the fact that they tried to mix everything together at once just felt weird pacing wise - and they lost characterization on Matt, Foggy and Elektra's part. All three and their relationships with each other were written weird.

...

Let's get back on track.

Season 2, Karen spends her time investigating and defending Frank.

And that is what she's most criticized for : "protecting and defending frank's actions" and "condemning Matt's lying when she's lying herself."

Frank Castle is a difficult subject.

He is the subject of many debates, wether in the fandom or in the actual show. Is he a hero? Are his murders justifiable? Are Matt and Frank two sides of the same coin? What message is he sending to the audience? How should he be interpreted by his audience? Is Frank redeemable? Is he a glorification or a fetishization of everything that's wrong with the USA? and so on so forth bla bla bla

What matters HERE is what KAREN thinks of him.

Karen is a very determined and ambitious journalist, to say the least. She'd do anything to get to the truth. These qualities that seem very noble at first are also her main flaws. By putting the story first, she throws caution the wind and that very recklessness of hers is what kills Ben Urich, and what compels her to defend Frank so adamantly.

But there's a facet of her personality that I haven't seen being delved into or explained anywhere - her sometimes misplaced but very much there Savior complex, or White Knight syndrome.

She empathized and honestly liked Mrs. Cardenas (a cute old little guatemalan christian lady, who had no one). She wanted to help her. She felt that she was treated unfairly, that all the tenants were treated unfairly, and that was what prompted her to want to take down Fisk. Fisk was using, manipulating and stealing blind people who were already unfortunate. Fisk is lying to the public and hiding his true criminal activities. Savior Complex is activated, now Karen has to find a way to bring him down, even if that means putting her nose where it doesn't belong and provoking the death of Ben Urich.

Now let's look at the situation in S2.

She empathizes with Frank Castle (a man who's entire family got killed and now has no one). He has some kind of moral code that seems noble to her. She feels that he's being treated unfairly, that no one is taking his dead family into account, or what he's already done as a soldier. Frank is unapologetically admitting and sticking by his actions and his code. He doesn't want to hurt anyone that doesn't deserve, in his eyes, to die. Reyes is not upholding her side of the wit-pro deal (She used Grotto as bait, someone Karen already empathized with). Reyes was purposefully trying to get Frank the death penalty for her own gain (she had her eye on the mayor's office) and is hiding a shady past. Savior Complex is activated, now Karen has to find a way to prove that Frank's not all bad and to expose Reyes, even if that means putting her nose where it doesn't belong and overstepping boundaries when she's not a lawyer, and frankly doesn't deserve to get Ben's desk or his job.

When you finally pin down her behavioral pattern and why she acts how she acts, it's easier to understand.

So yes, I understand Karen. (In my opinion at least.)

What makes her who she is is that savior complex of hers, that MORAL code of her own. How she sees herself and what she thinks is her PURPOSE is how she justifies her mistakes, or the risks she takes, to herself. As means to an end.

She doesn't seem to doubt herself or question herself enough to see that her behavior, even if her goal is noble, is not always right.

Her believing that she acts as a savior to others is precisely what makes her a little self-centered.

And, because Matt has this problem too sometimes, she is an interesting character to compare to him.

But now, see, as i've spend a lot of time writing this, my own cogs are turning. I think I've identified what my problem is with Karen.

It's how she's framed. by the writers. by the show.

We see Matt's guilt but don't see hers.

We see his internal turmoil but not hers.

We see him doubt himself all the time and seek for answers in his faith or in people but not her.

If we got to see Karen doubt herself more, show more of her guilt over her killing Wesley, her causing the death of Urich, that would make for a much more likeable and relateable character.

When she argues with Matt or something, what she says makes it seems "hypocritical" of her not to hold herself to the same moral standards than she does others.

But I don't think seeing the flaws in others means you don't see your own. Again, if we had seen Karen questioning and doubting herself, and feeling guilty for what she's done (and not just crying or having ONE nightmare about it. Her trauma should have been more explored in general. from the beginning.) then we'd see that she is self-aware and recognizes her own mistakes and her continuing to feed into her savior complex is her way of finding closure. or trying to save herself from being completely consumed by her own guilt.

So yes. I don't like Karen, not because I don't like her, but be..cause...I wish... we'd seen more of her? or at least framed her differently?

I didn't think I'd reach that conclusion. I thought I'd actually find a real reason not to like HER.

But that's maïeutique for you i guess. or to put it differently, rubber-ducking, right? Isn't that programming lingo?

Also maybe i'm not completely over how Matt and Karen third-wheeled Foggy. or how Matt doesn't really fit with any of his on-screen love interests and how I wish they hadn't dated. but that's a story for another day.

Thank you for reading this far, if you're still here! Tell me your thoughts and opinions on Karen or my own way of explaining it :)

[mackichu]

I had a realization during my meditation this morning.

(TW: abuse, mental illness)

I have been working on myself a lot lately. I want to improve my mental and physical health, so I've dedicated myself to routines, checklists, playing music loudly on speakers, taking up hobbies I used to enjoy when I was a kid, physical activity (albeit not that much, but more than nothing which is what I've been doing a whole lot of lately), and of course, meditation.

When I woke up to start the day, I noticed that I spent longer in the shower than I normally do. I noticed that I was doom-scrolling instead of carrying on with my tasks as part of my daily routine. Being observant of myself, I have come to understand that this means my mental health is slipping.

Being able to recognize this about myself has become easier with the use of journaling and tracking my mood throughout the day.

Not only did I recognize this mood, but I actually did something about it.

I made myself a cup of green tea with honey, walked over to my bedroom, sipped my tea and placed it on the nightstand, then sat on the ground cross-legged. I pulled up my self-improvement app, tapped on a meditation session, threw my phone on the bed and did as the instructor told me.

Deep breaths.

Inhale. Exhale. Slowly.

Recognize that our emotions, even anxiety, are there to help us. What is your anxiety telling you? Give yourself space to understand it and make room for it.

From the fog of my meditative mind, the word "family" appeared.

I have a problem with family.

"Family" for me has not been a happy word for me for most of my lifetime. A source of stability for others is the very storm that has knocked me down over and over and over and over again.

The wounds I've suffered at the hands of this monster is something I've been trying to heal for almost my entire life. Just when I think I've got a grip on things, it rears itself into my life again.

Years of therapy, and yet I am still here; this terrible weight inside my belly that keeps me down every day of my life.

But this time is different, I think.

After the smoke has cleared from years of fighting and making truces and fighting again, I have ended with something different than what I started with.

I have stopped talking to my mother, probably for a very long time. I talk to my brothers here and there and my father slightly less.

My greatest family has come from those that are not related to me by blood.

I am beginning to accept that more and more each day.

It comes from those who have chosen me from day one. It comes from those who have taught me forgiveness. That an argument isn't a death sentence; that you can actually still talk to one another and make amends and still love eachother. That you don't have to hold eachother emotional hostages, which is something that I was for almost the entirety of my life.

Even if my family wasn't in the midst of a fight, I didn't feel (or was not made to feel) that I belonged. I was the black sheep of the family. I mostly stayed to myself when I was growing up. I locked myself away in my room, which had become a magical escape from reality.

Leading up to my parents' divorce, the ferocity and frequency of fights really amped up. The most recent memories I have of all of us sitting together was in a small living room, lined up on the couch; an audience picked by hand for front row seats to the shit show; silence so heavy it could choke you; eyes red and puffy from the salty sting of tears; the inability to stand up and walk away.

This was what "family" meant to me. This was "togetherness".

Which is why I felt so awkward and and out of place the first few times I visited with my now-husband's family. How they all just sat around watching TV together, just enjoying eachother's presence. I couldn't understand why they wanted to spend so much time together. Why they make Facetime calls every single week, sometimes multiple times a week. Not about anything major, just to talk and shoot the shit with eachother. "Do you want to talk to them?" my husband would ask. "Why?" I would reply. I have no major news to speak about. They have no news for me. What could possibly be the point of talking to one another? To be honest, I was annoyed at first. Why did they keep asking so much of me? Why did they need so much time together? Don't they know that time spent together is only supposed to be the tiniest bit of bare minimum?

My, how things have changed so much in these last few years.

I feel less awkward now. I am starting to understand my place in this new pack I have found myself in. I play my role pretty well, I think. But it does, at times, make me feel out of place. This feeling makes me feel ashamed and embarrassed, broken and fraudulent. This gives way to that heavy feeling under my ribs.

And yes, the heaviness keeps me down a lot of days. It has for a while now.

I just want to feel... lighter.

Maybe-- hopefully-- I will achieve that.

[inkabelledesigns]

I have a really weird relationship with gift art. Truth be told, I've often felt like it's an obligation rather than something I can do freely whenever I want. I have met so many wonderful people over the course of my life, and many of them are people I'm glad to call my friends. Some have even reached the status of close friends. But the downside is that because I know so many amazing people, I simply do not have the time, energy, or drive to draw for all of them. Sometimes it's because I'm busy and have a lot on my plate. I don't draw as much as I used to because I'm exhausted, and my feet are wet in so many mediums that it's hard to dedicate as much time to illustration for myself, much less for other people. Sometimes the characters they have aren't something that translates well into my style or skill level. Sometimes I'm more into hearing them be excited about the thing than I am the thing itself. All of those things are valid, I'm not obligated to draw or create for everyone. I hope that spending quality time with me is enough, the conversations we have, the laughs we share, I hope those are enough of a gift for people.

I worried for the longest time that if I went and drew for one person but not another, feelings would be hurt. I started to feel like I "owed" everyone, and at a certain point, it became easier to draw for no one rather than for just the few. No one could be hurt if I treated everyone the same, right? Well no, people will still find ways to be hurt. Many don't mean to, some have good intentions, and some do not. There have been many people in my lifetime that felt entitled to my time, attention, affection, and art, even when I don't draw for anybody. Some of them are people who have created something for me, and some are people who have used me. It's happened with my drawings, my voice, my writing, all of it.

I don't know how much this comes across, but I give a lot of myself, sometimes too much. I try very hard to make sure I have enough to go around with my time, attention, affection, etc, and it's hard. Sometimes I don't exist for myself, sometimes I give too much and don't live for my own sake. I don't come from anywhere strange though. The whole theme of my dad's funeral was that he lived a life of service, and so many people came that had their lives changed by the things he did. Sometimes he worked himself too hard, and while I admire what he did, I hope he got to live enough of his life the way he wanted. I hope he had a better balance about give and take than I do that I don't know about. I love my dad a lot. You know what he said to me, over and over? "Go live your life." He told me I had so many wonderful gifts, and the right people will appreciate them when they get to know me. I was so worried that no one would want me for me growing up, that I'm only as good as the skills I can bring to the table. It was really important for me to hear that I am more than my skills, because my gifts aren't just things I do, they're things that are a part of me.

And you know what? He's right. I think, the friends that I have now, the ones who care about me and get me? They get that I only have so much bandwidth and aren't gonna take my lack of art as a slight. The people who really know me and love me don't keep me around because of what I can do for them, they like having me because I'm an enjoyable, interesting person to be around.

And for the first time in my life, I feel a little bit safer daring to draw something for someone else. I joined Art Fight this year to help me work through some of those complicated feelings, improve my skills with traditional line art, and draw something nice for my friends, and I'm so glad I have. Every person I've drawn for has been so incredibly thankful and sweet about the things I've made for them, and it fills my heart with so much joy. My work may not be the fanciest thing any of them receive this year, but it's filled with heart, and I think that shows. Likewise, I have been incredibly thankful for every piece that people have done for me. I've gushed to each and every artist in DMs and servers and comments on the site and social media to let them know they did an amazing job. I want all of them to feel the love! I didn't expect to get attacked period, nor for the characters that have gotten attacks to get the kind of attention they did, and it's made my heart feel so full and warm. Like, y'all didn't have to say such nice things about my stories and designs, but you did and I'm not over it, aaaahhhh!

Having a format where I can show my love that's got easy ways to make my boundaries clear has been really helpful. I like that I have clear guidelines for what people are hoping for for art too, it makes it easier to figure out what's a good match for how I do things so I can really make someone's day. I've made it very apparent that I won't be doing revenge attacks for everyone, and no one is being mean to me about it. That is a good feeling. This is just, really really good. I'm glad to be doing this. It's gonna be okay. I'm just, so relieved. This is okay. I'm okay. I'm free.

[adobodemon]

New Years Resolution Manifestation Rant Listicles

and yes I'll put it under Read More for all of our sakes. Happy New Year 2014 everbody!!

Prelude: Who I want to be

lemme be real for a sec. I am going to be turning a serious age this year. rhymes with flirty. I have had time to get grown but now it's time to get wise! It's time for me to get behind the wheel of my life again. I felt like I was behind it 4 years ago but We All Know What Happened. It Is Happening To All Us. Coming back home to my parents stunted my growth a little and also I feel it erode at my current friendships. I feel like I'm doing a good job of improving myself, but this year I need to improve my relationship to others. So yeah in short, less autopilot, more hangouts with friends, less overwork, more hobbies...

How will I go from Consoomer and Doomer to Improover and Dooer?

1. Be more consistent with what I want to practice - that goes for working out, digital art, other hobbies I may want to pick up... saw a Tiktok once saying that we need to pick up slow activities again bc clearly, the need to be instantly gratified has poisoned almost every aspect of our lives. InstaGrat also helps us be in autopilot a lot easier, we can't think, we can't breathe, we can't taste our food before swallowing it down. this year I'm going to change that by planting a lot of seeds that I may not see bloom for weeks, months, years even!

2. Approach people with curiosity - not the best communicator as I've said many different times on this blog. I always catch myself trying to make the conversation about myself and how I can relate to it instead of asking the other person more about themselves or what they think. I've seen enough thinkpieces on other sites recommend this that I might as well try it for myself and see how it works out.

3. Get off my damn phone - already made steps towards this! Tiktok and IG are gone from my phone, whenever I go into a huge timesink like Tumblr (sorry) or Discord I set it up so I get an annoying pop-up telling me all the other things I could be doing! (I will share this Shortcut w anyone who needs it, iPhone exclusive tho sorry)

4. Appreciate all the stuff I have - while I am nowhere need as bad as my mom who needs to go to Burlington and buy 3 whatchamacallits or else she has a nervous Boomer breakdown, I do admit I own and have access to a lot of things I take for granted, like books, games, tools like my iPad, PC, etc. I will fight against analysis paralysis, I will squeeze the life out of all that I own, I won't spend another day bored inside my head if I don't have to.

5. Collect. Organize. Do. - one of my oomfs indirectly changed my Youtube algorithm for the good and I've been getting a lot of videos from Improovtube. skimmed through a video that suggested a neat system for getting things done: Collect your thoughts and desires. Organize your tasks. Do the things that make it happen. and just like that every self improvement book I've read is useless. lol no but really it's crazy that that's all it boils down to. I will investigate more on this system but for now this seems like a good modus operandi.

Epilogue: Specific non-specific goals

Completing my year long art practice regimen

Reading more of my physical books and manga (and I get to see their spines when I finish :D)

Bigger boobs

Becoming a homeowner

Homoeroticism

Going to at least 5 group activities and meeting new people there

[merlumina]

hi there, tumblr

So after quitting all other social media (twitter, instagram, facebook), I found myself 1) pretty lonely tbh and 2) at a loss for how to keep myself creatively motivated and inspired with nowhere to share my work. I'd heard from several people that tumblr is way more chill these days, and while I hesitated at first, I finally decided to give it a try. After a few weeks of waiting from tech support to regain access to my account (pro tip: don't sign up for anything important with your college email address), I regained access yesterday and spent some time doing some tidying up (i. e. deleting most of my old posts and likes).

So...hi! Feels weird to be back. Life has changed so much in the past seven years. It was interesting going back through old posts to relive those times. Since I was last here, this is what I've been up to:

hollowforest and I got married in 2020. While he was unfortunately not able to propose to me at MAGFest after a particularly victorious round of Gundam Xtreme VS, which would have been rad, we settled for eloping at county jail, which is also a cool story.

Ringo, my cat, is still with us! But now we also have a dog, Haru (named after Persona 5 Haru). Yeah I like dogs now. I like pitt bulls now. 2012 me would never.

After years of self-doubt and self-loathing about my life choices, I actually became what I wanted to be when I grew up - a software developer! In late 2020 I took the plunge to do a coding bootcamp and got really lucky being hired into an apprenticeship program before I'd even graduated. Now I'm making those big coding $$$ working from home, literally living the dream and still kind of in awe.

I joined the Diagnosed with ADHD in My 30s club! (Also, I'm in my 30s now)

We bought a house in October, 2022! I did not think it would be possible for the longest time, but due to the big job upgrade we were finally able to afford it.

I've played a lot of video games, but not beaten that many.

I picked up game dev as a hobby and have made a few small games during game jams.

My mental health is overall a lot better now! Part of that is from therapy, part of that is from self reflection, part of that is maybe just growing up. See also: quitting aforementioned social medias.

Improved mental health aside, my hangups about my artistic abilities and creative capacity still haven't improved any in the past 10 years. It's one of my biggest personal insecurities, but also one of the reasons I'm trying Tumblr again! I wanted somewhere to post my practice routine to keep myself accountable, as well as a place to get inspiration from other artists.

I'm going to make a concerted effort to keep this blog focused on art and personal things that make me happy. After I left Tumblr in 2016 I started working on myself and trying to focus on bringing more empathy into my interactions with others. Whether or not I've been successful at that is another matter, but in general it has helped me be a happier person. I am not interested in participating in Discourse. I don't think you can judge the "goodness" of a human based on a handful of things they've said/done online, and I won't be made to cast judgment on anyone. I think we should spend less time tearing down people in our own communities and more time asking why it's so easy for the people in power to trick us into fighting each other. In general, the overall vibe that everyone's social media account is a personal soapbox where they can make declarations about what is Right and what people Should be doing makes me uncomfortable. So I'm going to try not to do any more of that here. I do like still having those discussions sometimes, but I prefer a more personal venue, where I feel like I'm talking with people rather than at them.

Let's be cool to each other! -Liz / merlumina

[kaorieuv]

It sounds sad, but in a deep way of sadness.

If she wants to see you in the future like you said, what are your plans about it?

I have not lived a lot, but I can definitely say that there won't be many things in the future that will reach this level of sadness, it's a constant fog cloud following you wherever you go.

It feels like your soul drowns, like you are in a dystopian world sitting on the edge of an old bridge while you watch from far away how everything you desired crumbles down slowly, and you are just a mere observer, nothing else.

Naturally my face in lifeless, I have reached that point where you want to cry but no tears slide down your cheeks, you are just blank as if you stare at something and nothing at the same time.

The future is abstract for me, I can't think of it and give it a clear shape.

I want her in my future, but that would be a long future...

I would love to move to my dream state and take her with me to live there us together, but it's not as easy as it sounds, I need to graduate first and complete my career so I can achieve that goal and can get a good job on which I can rely for a living.

But that means years, I want to get a master's because it will really improve my career, job-opportunities and money a lot, and it would make it easier for me to achieve the many dreams I have for the future.

One of those dreams is to have her with me living in a house far away from where I currently live, but as I said, I need everything I mentioned before to accomplish it, and for that it won't take months, but many years...

If I had a button in front of me that if I pressed it it would make my dream with her come true I would do it with no doubt, I don't have it.

Things are so shaky and unpredictable, it might be a case out of a movie where both reunite after years and that is their happy ending, maybe what we are going through is temporal in the sense that we will meet each other again.

Things are unclear and that hurts, it's like dreaming and hoping for something that could not even be at the end.

Another thing is that I am really hard to fall in love with someone, and I am saying really hard, not only because I am really demanding on what I want but because I am just naturally not so interested in loving someone of have a partner.

The only one that accomplished such a feat is her, the only one that made me fall in love completely, like being pushed to an infinite void where I will be falling forever, and I am really grateful for being pushed in.

So naturally I wont have a partner in what could be years and years, I enjoy spending me-time.

She could think that after some time I could have a new girlfriend, but the reality is that that idea is not even engraved on stone, it is just a mere thought.

I don't see myself with a new partner.

I feel that I gave so much to her that she took with her a part of my heart, I won't be able to answer messages, say hi, hug, look at her eyes or plan special dates with the same energy and love as I did for her.

And I don't like to have dull or superficial relationships, I like that what I have with my special someone is truly one of a kind, I don't accept less, so if before her the idea of having a relationship with a girl seemed so blurry to me, now after her it's even more.

I am just going to keep doing what I know I have to do in order to have the kind of adventurous and interesting life I want, study for school, get a part time job now, graduate, hopefully go for a master's, apply my career in a job I like and visit and do many things I have on my bucket list.

I am not interested in someone else and I am pretty sure the idea of it it's simply non existing for now and many numerous years in the future, I could even reach 30 and not having another couple, I am really special on those kind of things, but I don't read the future, it's scary that I don't know what happen with her and I.

I don't want to lose my feelings for her, I wanna have her on my heart for ever, a special place that she reached because of everything I experienced and went through with her.

They say the first love of a man is never forgotten, I am not sure to what degree that is true, but I know that I will never forget her, even if we end up as strangers, for me she will be more than a stranger, and every time that I will hear her name for whatever reason it will make a little spark in my heart, no matter how many years pass.

So I will just keep advancing and achieving what I want to achieve, but always with her in my heart.

[mecheyethe2nd]

Seven Years

Its been seven years since May of 2017. Since you passed

I'm disappointed in myself. I only noticed when I rebloged a thing about checking up on your friends blogs to make sure they were okay.

I'm even more disappointed that I can't really remember your deadname. Which in pretty much every circumstance should be the case, but that it means that if (hopefully when) I can make the trip to visit you I may not be able to find you since you were buried under your former self.

You're gone. And it still hurts. And I still miss you. I try to think about you as often as I can but I get older and things take over my mind more and more. Terrible things, like worries and anxieties instead of happy things.

But I just got back on Tumblr a little while ago and with it I have the ability to post on this blog again! Which I have been doing...kind of. Posting emo-ass images and texts here when I get put into a downer mood and need to get my thoughts on paper and don't want to get everyone else on here involved. Like today.

I don't want this blog to be for only sadness. I want to post happy things here too! But right now there hasn't been too much happiness.

To be honest, I'm lost. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing. I don't see a future for me anywhere. And that kind of scares me.

But only kind of.

I've gotten used to the idea that I may not get much further than this. I'm too unstable and unemployable. I cant stand submitting myself to the whims of an authority or corporation who doesn't give a shit about me. I'd honestly rather live on the street than be disrespected like that.

So I don't know what the future holds. Maybe something good. Probably something not so good. I'll have to see. But its not like I'm making any efforts to make it better for myself. I've all but completely given up. I'm burnt out. I'm tired. I'm just floating along until I hit something or something hits me.

A bit sad, isn't it? But here we are.

I have to say I never expected it to turn out this way. I had hopes once. A while back when I was still in school. Though even then I did not know what I was hoping for. The older I got the less I looked forward to the future and the less hope I had went up in smoke. The future was a black haze to me. An unknowable reality that I'm unwittingly stumbling in to. Where was I going? How was I getting there? How would I survive once I got there? Would I be alone?

Im still wondering that today. Still spending what little money I have to improve the lives of others than my own.

Would that be my legacy? Probably not. The little things I do aren't memorable in the long run.

But do I even WANT a legacy? Do I WANT to be remembered? Thought of? Honored or respected?

The thought if that is nice, but that's just all it is. A thought. Whatever happens after I pass on will be none of my business. Its not like I can relish in a nice warm legacy once I'm gone. Hell I don't want to relish in it now. All it does is create expectations of me. And I don't want people expecting things from me. Hell I don't expect anything from myself and I STILL manage to come up short.

There was a point to this post though I seem to have dropped it along the way. Lets just get this one over with so I can get back to work.

I still miss you, Misty. I still wish I could have been there for you when you needed it the most. I still wish we could have spoken to one another at least once. I still wish I wasn't such a disappointment.

[dashawfrostart]

This Week In "Time & Again" #13: Lucky Thirteenth Post! And... whatever, i'm lazy 😅

62 layers

is the number of layers that the most complex page currently has in Chapter 5. And mind you, that actually might not be the final number, for some "layer work" might require slight reorganization. All for the sake of ease of turning all this into a webcomic, which is, as you already know it from this incredibly old post, an objective for the near future. Hitting an important and a peculiar stage of work right now, my mind keeps going back to questions of automation I mentioned earlier and... less earlier in regard of a somewhat different problem. Now I dream of a mass layer import algorithm for Inkscape - and PLEASE don't take me for a fool after doing your minute-long google research session on the matter! Yes, I know that mass layer import plugins for Inkscape do exist. But alas, during my last year's exploration of the problem, after spending a whole day trying to find a good plugin like that, I came to a disappointing conclusion that absolutely none of them currently work. But that would probably be a story for another day. In fact, I already have a post draft prepared, for this particular occasion 😁

Anyways,

at this point of time, Chapter 5 is at the stage of "post-production and finalization".

This is truly amazing, and I must admit, overall, I am very happy with the end result. Even though the road was not paved with nice and smooth stones, but it appeared to be sorta bumpy and crooked (or maybe it's just my perception). Even though it took me significantly more time to make it this far with it than I originally estimated - but often that never goes smooth either. Now, my main objective is to complete the cover arts and all the bonus materials that must be included. That would be my goal for the next few weeks ahead. Thus, very little is left to do - but this little stuff is pretty important for a conceptual, through-and-through synergistic endeavour such as "Time & Again". I also intend to make a few teasers for Chapter 5. At least 3, I think. I intend to... but we'll see if it actually happens, because the release is nigh(ish), but I still didn't invest my time into those small teasers. They are supposed to be pretty entertaining though. So, alongside with everything else that needs to be done, I'll try to manage.

As already has been indicated in the previous post, working on Chapter 5 sure improved my drawing skill in Krita - or rather, I found ways to do everything faster, more efficient time-wise. Which is very precious. Aside from the incredibly useful Filter Layer function that I discovered recently, one of my favourite "tricks with layers" in Krita is Erase blending mode that I was finally able to make a good use of 😅. I like to correct certain parts of the backgrounds with it, at times isolated from the other layers in a group, to avoid permanent destruction of the background in case if I want to revert back to its original version without regret or having to redo everything from scratch again. In other words, instead of using Eraser tool to destroy something forever and ever, I use a "fake erase" layer that can be turned off any time, need be. Sweet! Another one nifty layer trick I found long ago - but never used it previously in my graphic novel - is the usage of Destination In blending mode (that, for some reason, isn't even mentioned in the documentation, so I cannot provide a link 🧐). Technically, it's absolutely not necessary to use that trick, and some might even say it's counterproductive. But! - I personally like to use it in special cases when creating a background that consists of a smooth gradient that might be a challenge to fix once done. Because how many times have you tried to correct a shape that has been filled with a nice gradient to make it look like a certain spot on it was not just artificially attached?.. I remember myself from back in the day, in my photoshoppin' years, going through the pains of using Clone Stamp to try and recreate the smooth change of colour on the spots that have been added later, just to make it look like it all was made in one sitting, right off the bat. Oh boy, that brings... painful memories. So, Destination In blending mode resolves the aforementioned issue for me completely.

But alas, if it turns out I did screw up something that requires a smooth colour change - in certain other cases, primarily when correcting shapes of the foreground objects/people - I resort to the magic effects of blurring/smudging tools. Like recently I had to remove the door on the picture of a corridor and turn it into a wall corner. And can you tell it originally existed there, but has been removed afterwards? - not to sound like a stuck-up snob, but I really doubt it.

And that might sound weird, for Krita actually has a wonderful Smart Patch tool that functions pretty much identical to Photoshop's Clone Stamp I'm so used to. And you would think that that would be an ideal resolution to the problem I described just above. But no: for some reason I simply like to repaint the section that requires a correction and then to blend the colours for a smooth transition instead. Why do I do that? That I cannot tell you. Those are the mysterious ways of Frosty's artistic cognition.

Also, I finally returned to using character colour palettes. When I worked on my other, much older random pieces featuring Jade, Alan and Stu under the codename "Trio", sometime between 2010 and 2016, I used to have a special file called "Trio colour palette" that looked like a colour swatch for each character. Kind of like an eyeshadow palette, but for a significantly more important purpose. 🎨😁 I had a file like that for "Time & Again", too, but at some point of time I simply stopped using it, for the reason completely unbeknownst to me (and The Past Me probably cannot explain that either). So I found it, opened it, and decided to use from now on it while working on the current chapter and the future ones. Here's what it looks like right now (obviously, with potential spoiler notes artistically blackened with a marker brush 😁):

Yup, it's terribly messy, but I don't complain. I can navigate it with ease - and that's all that matters. ... And of course, lil old me cannot avoid a nice (and horrible) use of another videogame reference that is circled with red on the screenshot... Well, you know the drill. That's typical for me. And of course, I most certainly did not have to link back to the original, for it's very famous 😁 (dear goodness, that game definitely affected my sanity long ago... good times!).

You know what? That would probably be enough for today. I'm lazy and don't want to invest too much time and effort into writing about something that most people don't even understand anyway 🤣😅 Well at least not right now. So I wrap it up right this once and will ruminate more on some certain other topics in my next post. Cheerios!.. I mean, sorry. Cheers! (wait, what? no! instead of Cheerios, shouldn't it be Chex then, for a Doom nerd such as myself?..)

[cbncb0280]

To all my online friends I have on Quotev,

I can't lie here but I've recently gotten so bored of Quotev underneath (even if I still feel temptations to log back into my account after a long time) cus I don't really do anything much on it anymore (other than roleplay and talk to my friends which is fun).

Yea, it's true that I am going to be very busy in the upcoming months, but another side to the truth is that... I want to do loads more other than just social media practically all day long as I did last year. In the very end, I got bored cus I used it way too much and (I'm so sorry Earth Angel to admit this), but sometimes, the amount of roleplaying we did all at once for months drained and prevented me from doing other things. Not that I never enjoyed roleplaying with you, but it was quite a lot for me to take in doing nothing but roleplay for months. I'd prefer to do it every once in a while and at my own pace. I really didn't wanna hurt your feelings so I never told you and I am so so sorry if I have upset you just now, but this is the truth. I'm a true free-spirit and I like to do all sorts of things whether it'd be roleplaying, writing stories, making food or music, going out with friends, researching about how to avoid 9-5 and 8-6 jobs, many things. You're a truly great friend to have and I don't ever want to lose you, but I needed to admit the truth to you as well as my other friends I have on Quotev.

Going back to giving a message to everyone I have as friends on Quotev, I also felt as though when I was using Quotev too much last year, I was losing myself and who I was since I wasn't entirely focusing on other things I like and it was as though my life was all about social media and roleplaying. I'm not trying to blame anyone for this as it's my fault entirely that this all happened. However, as a New Year's Resolution for 2024, I'll be spending much less time on social media and my gadgets to remain true to myself and understand who I truly am as a person.

I also need to prepare big plans for the kind of job I want to have when I'm older as I don't want a full-time, traditional job due to my free-spirited, self-reliant nature. It's quite serious and I desperately need to focus, improve my motivation, go out more, do more activities and slowly start to overcome my ADHD. So unfortunately, as a result of all this, I'll need a lot of time off Quotev in order to process everything that's going on in my life.

Right now, I'm going through a period of not using my gadgets from 12pm-9pm in order to accomplish my goals. This'll make me extremely inactive on social media. Last year, I was horrified to discover that sometimes, I used my gadgets for over seven hours!!! 😩😨

But I'll still be in touch every once and I can promise you all one thing: I will properly return to Quotev one day, but I'll not be as active as before.

Thank you for understanding and I love y'all so much and will miss you.

Alien Spotlight/Essiana Ray Whisper

[rollforfelicity]

My friend Kitty Stryker sent me an ARC of her book Ask Yourself: The Consent Culture Workbook, and as I started reading and got the the writing prompts at the end of the first chapter I thought, "I think I want to put my thoughts on Tumblr." So here we are. The suggestion in the book is to read a chapter a day and have it take 4 weeks, but disclaimer in advance: I'm not particularly good at doing things daily, so that will probably not happen, but I'll at least attempt.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time summarizing what each chapter says as I go, because the chapters aren't too long, and people should get the book if they can. I'm mostly going to summarize the prompts and then process my answers.

The first chapter sets the groundwork for what Consent Culture could look like, and asks what "consent" means to the reader, and what "consent culture" would look like in my life.

I imagine when people imagine a book about consent culture, their mind immediately goes to how that relates to sex, which the book does talk about. I don't know how much I'm going to talk about sex as I go through the book, especially I'm a pretty private person when it comes to things like that, but in this prompt I found most of my thoughts went to interactions that have nothing to do with sex.

I grew up in a very tight-knit family. I was homeschooled, and my mom is very co-dependent, and although she's a great parent and I love her, that does kind of mean that boundaries weren't really a thing I was taught about growing up, and even with friendships outside the home, I found myself being treated in ways I didn't appreciate, but with no understanding of how to convey that. I've had to do a lot of work in the past few years of realizing that I can tell people when I don't like what they're doing to me, and giving myself permission to uphold my own boundaries (which is an ongoing process).

Interestingly, playing so many TTRPGs has helped me with this a LOT. Being able to say in advance, "this is the kind of content I don't want to engage with at the table" and being encouraged to say something when I'm uncomfortable has definitely helped me to do those things in real life as well.

Anyway, this is to say that there have been so many times when I've felt like I don't have the agency to say "no," to things, and have instead said nothing, and saying nothing has been taken as "yes," and then after the fact I have told myself "Well, you didn't communicate how you were feeling, so they didn't know. And it already happened so now there's no point in mentioning it." Which is a really shitty feeling.

Consent, to me, is a two way street. Because (if you're interacting with someone in good faith at least) other people can't read your mind, so if something is happening and you don't like it, for the sake of maintaining your relationship, you should speak up. But I have also been in plenty of relationships where I haven't been given much of an opportunity to object to things, or if I do say something, I'm made to feel as though I'm disappointing or hurting someone's feelings. People have to seek out genuine answers to questions like "Do you mind if I..." and "How do you feel about..." and take no for an answer.

Something that would improve my life would be me continuing to work on myself so that I feel empowered to say "no" or communicate what I need from others to feel comfortable. It also means that culturally, people check in more often and are less sensitive to being told no.

For example, I have started making sure that I let players know when I invite them for one-shots who the other players will be. This is so that they aren't surprised by someone they'd rather not work with. In doing that, I've had to ask myself, "So what do I do if someone says they don't want to work with another person I've cast?" If I have no answer to that, am I really concerned with the consent and comfort of my cast, or am I just virtue signaling to make myself feel good about how "informed" my cast is? Making sure that I have actual consent from players is more than just asking the questions, it's about respecting their answers and working toward a solution that everyone is satisfied with.