#i don't think id have a reason to even wake up if it weren't for how people actually cared and were worried about me

[mechanicalinfection]

Emergency.

Please help.

My Ko-Fi page

[no-nic]

im sooo intruiged by the konoha spin-off of that kakasaku au... and also by the actual au tbh. are sasuke+ naruto still in konoha? what role does rin play in konoha's politics? is she a jounin sensei? what was the team minato dynamic like without kakashi? how do sakura and kakashi's lives go? how weird is rin being about interpersonal relationships (if she has any)? and id be interested to hear pretty much anything about this au lol feel free to infodump :3

⭐️ i have. a lot to say ⭐️

point of divergence?

at first i wanted to swap sakumo with a kiri shinobi. then i realized, nothing ever changes. one man doesn't start or stop a war. he didn't change the system. fandom misconception: apparently sakumo gets blamed for a mission that started a war? what are timelines? who said that? i know that when one is writing a fic it's easy to conspiracy-brain this & say something like "root sabotaged the mission" to keep sakumo like... "perfect"? or that danzo for some reason staged his death? we're just adding crimes to the old man's portfolio huh sakumo's kiri existence leads to sakura's parents -- in this they are civilian merchants -- settling in the land of water and having a child earlier. let's say they are originally from around wave. they are fairly shinobi-positive: "our bloodthirsty little girl wants to learn to stab people? okay sweetie :)" ...sakura may or may not have younger siblings (who remain civilians) i'm keeping some fun sakumo & kakashi material to myself for now ^^

topics to explore in the future:

[story] sword legacies, expectations

[meta] girls with big weapons

[meta & story] lack of tragic backstory for sakura

meanwhile in konoha

let's be real, you're here because of rin. some of this is just my unwillingness to derail canon too much. rin follows canon kakashi's path: anbu, maybe a short stint in root, jonin, some more anbu work alongside visible jonin missions, and finally jonin-sensei! she doesn't spend hours staring at the memorial stone; she carries everything on her. she stares at people. all the time. sometimes hidden with genjutsu, sometimes just standing there like a statue. blink goes the sharingan. don't mind her. canon kakashi came to meet his new team late; rin was standing in the (ceiling) corner since early morning

don't worry, she still has terrible identity issues; the shared eyeball stuff really messed her up. "i will see the future through you" but twice. she is team 7 now. there's a monologue about team roles brewing in her head, you can bet edo tensei'd minato will hear it as soon as he leaves the coffin! hiroto (our hyuga oc; born to rage and die) & obito bring major "fuck the clans" energy.

rin sees the aftermath of eyeball politics:

fact: obito voluntarily gave a body part to an allied combatant (who previously lost an eye)

was obito's body his to give away? or does it belong to his village? or his clan?

decision: hiroto can keep the sharingan but he's on thin ice

fact: hiroto later gave the same body part to another allied combatant

fact: rin was part of the original team, obito's other friend, so she's someone who could have received the eye then if the situation was a tiny bit different

suddenly it's all "would obito want rin to have the sharingan?" and "we don't know that", obito's decision is now the law, not hiroto's, so please give it back to the uchiha

thankfully obito's dying words weren't "go be hokage"; she would burn the hat

decision: rin can keep the sharingan but can't even think about gifting it to anyone else, since her original team is gone (and minato doesn't want it)

when the uchiha die, rin's first thought is "who gets to keep the eyeballs?"

(answer: danzo. probably)

rin has a complicated relationship with being a medic. as in, she refuses to be called that anymore. when she meets tsunade it's going to get messy -- whether it's upon waking from the itachi mind torture special or not. “no medic ninja shall ever die until they are the last of their platoon” <- all-consuming Rage 🔥

most of rin's relationships are... weird. people think she's weird; she agrees, but their reasons are so wrong. (someone misunderstanding rin? never seen that before...) however she has a best friend, who deserves a whole separate post. who is it? not that hard to guess, but very hard to describe what they have going on. that relationship is built. they could feature in any "siblings or dating?" game. the answer is obviously neither. (most adult interactions to be fleshed out later)

topics to explore in the future:

[meta & story] seals & flying thunder god jutsu

[story] what to do with a sharingan

[story] Not A Medic

[story] from terrible misunderstandings to mutual character growth

next generation

rin-sensei gets team 7: naruto, sasuke & third character (anime only, so not quite an oc). sakura is very lucky to Not Be There yeah, this too is getting its own post later. not much material yet

#pink tsunami au; the konoha spinoff is taking form

[larcenywrites]

Since Tony's birthday is near (May 29th), could we get some headcanons for celebrating birthdays with him? Maybe waking him up with breakfast in bed and birthday cupcakes, just something small and intimate, just the two of you before y'all gotta go to his official birthday party with like half of the town in it or maybe a bigass birthday party his parents are throwing for him if it's young!Tony?! Young!Tony or regular Tony, whatever you prefer. Fluffy (and smutty if you want heheh birthday boy also deserves some bday sex)

EEEE, I knew I should do something for it today, but didn't have the time or energy to plan out any good one-shots or anything! And I do wanna do both :3

Warnings: sexual references

Celebrating His Birthday

young!Tony Stark

💠Tony takes any excuse to party! So your first thought is that you may have to chain him to a tree to keep him from going too crazy when his birthday comes around! Wait... when is his birthday? You still don't know even after you've been together after quite a few months. Hopefully you haven't missed it :( but when you ask, he whines grumpily and rolls over, but not because you missed.

💠"May 29th," he finally grumbles after you poke around (and poke him) a little. His obvious dip in mood has you deflated, lying limply over him. Tony hates his birthday. He'll tell you outright, but he won't really give you a reason. "So you don't do anything?" College is out, so he can't even go to some party or throw one, his one friend isn't from around here, and you weren't around until recently, soooooo the answer to that question is no.

💠His parents can hardly get him to eat dinner with them, and for once he doesn't want Things or Stuff. Because of this, it's just another day that Howard and Tony fight over, but Tony's been called ungrateful and an asshole many many times, so it's not going to phase him today any more than another. Well, obviously something is phasing him a little more today than any other day, but you can really only infer from context clues. He will never tell.

💠Even with you, he doesn’t want it to be a big deal. He’d prefer to lay around in bed all day tbh. Tony’s energy levels aren’t necessarily high to begin with, but he’s pretty low today :( don’t make him do too much too fast, don’t go crazy. In fact, let him sleep in for as long as he wants! Well, maybe not too late. He will sleep until the next day if you let him 😅 If you're feeling brave, slide under the covers to wake him up with a blowjob 😏 buuut he might go back to sleep when you're done... Maybe save it for later...

💠Instead, wake him up a little more gently that afternoon! Even he can't help but smile when you're kissing over his cheeks and playing with his hair 😘 Lie down on top of him and you'll probably be tempted to join him in bed, after all, but- no! Today isn't a day to be moping around!

💠But... wait. What do you get for the man that has pretty much everything and has done pretty much everything? Honestly, don't think about it too hard. Even if he's done it a thousand times, what makes him happy? Anything is better that letting his thoughts eat him alive in bed all day :(

💠If he's turning 21, even though he's already had his fair share of alcohol, be a bit of a dork and make him order a drink at a restaurant or go to a uncrowded bar. He can get it legally now! Amazing! He may even get a free one or two because it's his birthday! But it's also 2 in the afternoon, and his parents still want to do something later, so keep an eye on him and don't let him drink too much... or do and laugh your ass off when he's stumbling through the park, but you might get the cops on your ass 😒

💠You could take him to a liquor store, but those guys haven't been IDing for years 🙄 But you can make him try some weird shit like birthday cake flavored vodka or banana pudding moonshine! You can't exactly try it out now, but just because everyone else goes to bed doesn't mean you two will!

💠It may sound boring to you, but if you can find some thrift-like store that is just full of vinyl records and such, he'll be like a kid in a candy shop! Or maybe closer to a bull in in a china shop. How did he not know this was so nearby? He always pays for everything, so you could try to be nice and repay that this time, but be aware, Tony can rack up quite a big bill 🤧 Either way, he'll be pretty excited! If you can, try to get an album he likes that has limited addition cover art or maybe the record itself is a special color. His eyes will light up when you suddenly hand it to him to add to his pile, and you'll get a nice kiss right there in the shop 🥰 Tony might even find a way to hang it up or display it, he'll be so happy!

💠Hopefully you aren't tired of it, because somehow Tony is never tired of the aquarium! The penguin show? He's front row. The touch tanks? He's having more fun than the kids. The sea lions? Still scared of them. The reef sharks? Somehow knows another random fact about them. Get into one of those behind-the-scenes tours where they show off the water pumps and vet centers. He's never considered it before, and he'll be all over the machines back there! He's never been one for the gift shop, but get him a shark plushie this time 🥺 he'll act like he's too grown for that, but he'll be petting it the entire time he's holding it 😌

💠Head back home and, regardless of all the previous not-so-happy birthdays, Maria still tries to do something, bless her. She probably told you to bring him back by a certain time, too. She does a lot, but manages to keep it simple at the same time because she knows Tony will feel less weird about it 🥺 Probably just makes his favorite meal. Tony doesn't have much of a sweet tooth, and prefers fruitier flavors compared to chocolatey, so instead of a cake it's probably an arrangement of fruit-garnished cupcakes with a simple candle on the one in the middle :) that he really doesn't want to blow out because it makes him feel a bit weird and kinda gross :( but, fine, he'll do it for you guys 🙄

💠And of course she got a gift or two! Not much because she knows Tony will feel bad, but a few nice shirts for you to steal later and maybe another high-end watch that he needed another color in (or maybe matches these new shirts better than his other would 💅). If he's turned 21, she probably also got him some kind of high-end whiskey even though he literally drinks wine with them at home and stuff, so it's not a big deal... but it's all in good fun! Maria will even do a shot or two with him (and you if you join in) with whatever she bought 🤭

💠She's also cheesy and sentimental, and always takes a picture of Tony on his birthday even knowing he can't stand it 🤧 But this time, you get to be in the picture, and his smile is much more genuine and happy this time 🥺 That is, until she gets out the pictures from every other birthday to show you- including one taken only an hour after he was born! Tiny Tony!

💠Considering you both woke up late, it's definitely not sleepy time, even after all the fun, but those drinks will definitely make Tony a bit loud... Grand idea: sneak out to go to the beach and watch the sunset! With drinks in tow, of course! And maybe a cupcake or two.

💠There's a section for "kids," but who's to say you aren't allowed to use the swings too?? Force him to sit on the seesaw with you!

💠"This is stupid."

💠"Tony, we always do something stupid."

💠He'll gripe, but he'll have fun 😌 And by fun, he'll probably end up keeping you in the air while he's busy licking lemon icing off of a cupcake. Honestly, it's not a bad view, but pout about it just so he'll smile up at you 💘

💠Sit on the swings and cough in disgust at the cake flavored vodka, even though Tony will keep drinking it anyway and complain about how gross it is each time 🙄 You may need to cut him off before he falls out of the seat, but he's just as leaned over down in the sand, too. On you, of course! He's really not that bad off, just a little giggly 😆 His tolerance isn't as high as you'd think.

💠He's more interested in splashing you with water than the setting sun, but he better not get salty sea water on your cupcake! Give him a little kiss to calm him right down ;) and he'll just rest a cheek on your shoulder instead, and barely rest his fingers over yours like he's suddenly shy to hold your hand for the first time. Just cozy up to him and let him sober up a little more as the stars come out, and watch him still manage to point out planets and constellations despite the inebriation.

💠"I don't really know what it means, but mom said I'm a Gemini," he mumbles, pointing at a starry cluster. "I don't have a twin, though."

💠"I don't think that's what that means, Tony."

💠It's getting cold and late, so pack him into the car and sneak back into his room through the window, and he's already undressing before you can even close it behind you!

💠"Was it okay?" You, rightfully so, ask nervously. He hums thoughtfully, but the arms pulling you into him answer your question.

💠"It was much better than okay," he responds quietly, shyly smiling and looking down. Only your hands on his face and kiss on his nose can make him look back up at you. His nose crinkles, but his smiles does get bigger :) Too big actually...

💠"But I know a way you could make it better."

Tony Stark

💠One might say that every day must be Tony's birthday. He always gets what he wants, he's always going places, he throws parties every other weekend and half the time he doesn't even show up

💠But the day of his actual birthday? Oh, you'll know when it is, but he still might not even make it to his own party 😅

💠But the craziness doesn't happen 'til sunset, or maybe just not until the weekend if his b-day is on a weekday. If it is, he always takes the day off even if he does literally nothing. He's entitled to the day, he says. I still haven't recovered from being born, so I need the time off.

💠No matter the excuse, you could never say no to having him in bed into the late mornings, nor to pampering him even though he's always spoiled af 😌

💠You should probably let a terminally exhausted man sleep, but he won't be mad at the tickling kisses to his neck, or the tongue trailing down his stomach... it's not very often you get the chance to wake up before him, so you're both more than happy with a little morning blowjob 😏 Coddle him and cuddle him when he finishes, wrap your arms around his neck and plant your lips in his hair. Let him lay in bed for a while longer 😌 Possibly into the afternoon because he'll return the favor and it's his b-day, you gotta let him have as much of his favorite treat as he wants 😘

💠But once you do finally get out of bed, it's mostly a relaxed day. Surprising, right? Sure, his party this weekend is going to be wild, but just in the house with you should be a little more intimate and loving.

💠It's rare that he can or wants to do actual cooking with you! Probably something easy, though, like waffles or pancakes. And he probably wants to make smiley faces in the batter out of blueberries or raspberries or something 🥺 And you know what? Who cares about eating in bed today! He still does a little, but- it's fine it can be washed if something does get dropped but please try not to

💠Make a few cupcakes just for fun! He wants to put on the icing, though! Beautiful might not be the word you'd use to describe them, but Tony doesn't seem to mind 😅 He might also terrorize you with the bag of icing, or wipe it off on you when it gets on his hands. You could compete with him if you want, but if yours look better he'll simply steal them instead! And swipe that bit of icing off his nose while you’re at it 🥺

💠The house probably already has gifts piled up in the living room, even from business and CEOs from the other side of the world! They're mostly complimentary things, though. Just cards or native plants, maybe a charm or two that are supposed to carry fortune and luck. It's fun to just go through them all! But you could quite literally spend hours doing it, and he'll likely have even more by the weekend! Honestly... most of it gets thrown out anyway, so don't feel bad about your own gifts 😌

💠In fact, you really don't need to get him anything. As much as he likes to get gifts just to feel ooed and awed and all, he has everything he could ever want right here, and that's fine! If anything, maybe get him a cologne that you really liked in the store 😏 or just get him a silly looking tie or boxers with fish on them or something lmao

💠Absolutely make DUM-E wear a party hat and make JARVIS sing happy birthday 🥳 While your at it, put a hat on Tony too! But if you want to light a candle on a cake or something, make sure no nearby robotic arms can attempt to put it out 🤧 Tony will not be very amused, but it does make a funny picture!

💠Have JARVIS design a card, and sign his name somewhere when he prints it! Maybe a simple but sweet message in the center, with love, from us, or something 💛 DUM-E will draw a very very beautiful heart that takes up an entire side of the card :) it’s a little jagged and lopsided, but it’s a lot better than last year’s! Sure, there’s probably a big guest book at his party that tons of people will sign, but this is different. These are the ones that actually know and love him, and can write personal messages alongside their names because there’s so few, and in their own favorite colors! DUM-E and U also sign their names right inside that heart, just as beautiful 😌 Tony will never admit it, but every year it still makes him want to tear up a little 🥲

💠Sit on the balcony at night and light the fire pit, cuddle in the fake grass with some shitty takeout like McDonalds or something. He can still point out every constellation, and he still doesn't really know much why it matters that he's Gemini or whatever. He doesn't even have a twin??

💠You may want to keep up his mother's tradition and add another photo to the album. Tony won't mind, and may not be paying attention anyway, but honestly today isn't the day that he wants to look back through it. It's probably been years, but one day he will. And, boy, he'll probably be shocked at how much he's changed 🥹

💠End the night with a nice bath, with vanilla scented bath bombs and maybe splashing water over the side of the edge of the tub and all over the tile floor... get him ready for another workday or two 😔

💠But with the weekend comes the day of the party! Which is probably now at some grand ballroom or hall after an incident at the house a while back 😒

💠Probably just me being a service sub, but dress him up for his party 🥺 wash his hair, get out that cologne you bought for him. Maybe he'll put his favored necklace on you, with a little kiss to the back of your neck 🥺 and this is exactly why he doesn't make it to his parties half the time...

💠Be prepared to drag a drunken Tony up a flight of stairs and into bed later! Just stay nearby to make sure he doesn't get into anything he shouldn't! Especially that tower of glasses full of champagne 😬But let yourself have some fun, too, if drinking is your thing, but you still probably won't be able to outdrink him!

💠He is going to want to cut the first piece of that very tall marbled cake. Hopefully it's done earlier in the night when he's not as drunk and properly wield a big knife. Otherwise, you might need to help him out 😅 Or just get Happy to do it because you might be a little under the table yourself. Tony might be pouty about not being the first to cut it, though >:(

💠Did someone say fireworks? Yep, a whole show of 'em! Any shape and color you can think of! But you both may be too busy making out in a nearby bathroom to catch it... ah, who cares? he can shoot fireworks over the ocean from the balcony anytime he wants!

💠You won't know most of the people. Tony might know about 40% of them. Why is this person congratulating you? Why is some asshole trying to strike a business deal with Tony-- and his drunk ass is agreeing?? Well thank god this isn't at your house this time because the people on the roof are not your problem 🤨

💠When Tony is more sober again by the end of the night, AKA 1am, he might ask you to dance with him ❤ He might still be a bit clumsy on his feet, but let him have his moment 🥺 and a few kisses!

💠He's going to be pretty damn tired when you finally get home, but you probably are too. And whether you like it or not, you might have to help him undress or else he will just fall asleep as is. Shoes and all! But no matter how tired he is, it won't stop him from trying to get a little frisky when you start unbuttoning his shirt 😉

💠And eventually, that grand cake will be a small array of red and yellow cupcakes, raspberry and lemon if you must know! And eventually those party guest filter more and more into a smaller group that you'll finally know and actually be able to trust. Tony isn't too keen on the crowds anymore, anyway. Or the noise, or the drink. Plenty of gifts still pile up in the living room, but by now he hardly cares to look through them unless its from his small social circle. Besides, he probably has a much better gift in his arms that needs to be attended to first 😌

[dysfunctionalmaki]

To Realize

Main Masterlist

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Stark!Reader

Summary: Natasha's been connecting all the dots about how she feels about you, it's up to her to how she'll handle the situation.

A/N: This was supposed to be a oneshot until... I wanted to base it on the whole Black Widow movie :"))

Warnings: none, let me know if there's any.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

Your last interaction with your father didn't go well, he simply told you that Secretary Ross is now after you and Natasha after helping Steve, and Bucky to get in the Quinjet while T'challa was after them.

Quickly tackling the king of Wakanda on the ground, while Natasha shot something at him to give Rogers and his friend time to take off, as soon as the jet flew away, you removed your arms that are restraining him.

"Your father will hear about this, and you too Miss Romanoff." The exact words that came out of T'challa, and now you're on the run with Natasha, considered as a global fugitive.

Your father looked at you with disappointment when he mentioned that Ross will be chasing you and the latter, you looked at Natasha before she took your hand and leading you out, taking you to who knows where.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

"You miss your daddy?" Natasha spoke while driving, you chuckle at her words then resting your head against the car window. "Hmm, kinda, so what are we doing here in Norway?" You ask the latter.

"Well, you've noticed that Ross is after our asses after assaulting the King of Wakanda, and helping Steve and Barnes escape the airport, I believe we should lay low, right?" She propped her elbow by the window, resting her head on her knuckle as she drives with one hand. "Oh? I didn't know that." You replied sarcastically, making Natasha roll her eyes.

"What I mean is, why Norway of all places?" Now you're kindly asking, arms crossed over your chest and slowly drifting off to sleep, exhausted after hours of traveling, without Daddy's private planes, sports car, and Quinjet also.

Natasha noticed how your voice softens, a long yawn coming out of your mouth, and quickly glancing at you. "Ross has no jurisdiction here, his boys would stay away from here for the time being." She answered, you softly nodded and replied with an 'okay' almost a whisper with how silent it was.

In a split second, you're already fast asleep at the passenger seat, both arms hugging yourself and your head resting against the window. Nat maintained her eyes on the road as she attempts to reach for a blanket she stashed in the backseat, after few shifts in her place, the Russian managed to grab the cloth.

She gently placed the soft blanket over you, and now focusing herself on driving, for some reason, she has always felt this warm feeling in her heart when she's alone with you, adoration maybe?

Your peaceful state while you're in deep slumber, and hearing your soft snores as she admires the view of the landscape, she would offer everything she has just to stay like this most of the time.

The thought caught her off-guard, why would she want to spend all of her time with her friend's daughter? She shrugged the thought off from her mind, she knows what love feels like, she felt it with Bruce until Hulk decided to drive off somewhere they won't find him.

She did get sad because of it, but she chose to move forward and move on, successfully removing any romantic feelings for Banner, focusing on her work as an Agent and an Avenger.

But why is she feeling this way with you? Her heart melts when she sees you getting all excited when you've successfully upgraded your techs, how she would automatically smile when her eyes would catch you smiling, and how she feels warm when you're there to ease her mind when a mission didn't go as planned.

She's now connecting the dots, using the silence and peace surrounding her, she got time to think about herself and her feelings towards Tony Stark's daughter.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

After half an hour of the drive, you slowly wake up from your nap, looking around the surroundings you're in the middle of the woods, Natasha's still driving. "Good uhh... Evening?" You greeted Nat with your groggy voice.

Natasha stopped the car beside the safehouse, which is a caravan and you don't mind, you can't really call your father to get you a 5-star hotel to stay in. "Did you manage to replenish your energy?" She asked, unbuckling her seat belt and you did the same.

Getting out of the car, she has her gun out and you also have one on your hand, staying alert until both of you heard a loud snore in the room. Natasha immediately returned to her relaxed posture before heading into where the sound belongs, and she found her contractor sleeping.

Kicking his foot that is off the bed, the man immediately woke up. "You're sleeping in my bed." Natasha commented, "I'm not even under the covers." He replied, then his eyes trail at you, awkwardly looking away noticing that the two seemed close.

"I've got what you asked for, fake IDs, drivers licenses, and some VISAs, also for Miss Stark too, just like what you've told me to do." He says as he handed out the fake identifications to Natasha, while reading, the Russian frowned upon what she just read. "Really? Fanny Longbottom?"

"That is a legitimate name." He defended himself, them Natasha handed your fake IDs, taking a good look at them and you're amazed about how real they seem to be. "Thank you...?" You softly spoke.

"Rick, Rick Mason." He introduced himself, and you shook his hand also introducing yourself, with little chit-chat soon after the man left leaving you and Natasha alone.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

An hour has passed it's already dark out, you're currently sitting by the front door, knees up to your chest, and you already felt homesick, Natasha's company is nice honestly, but the feeling of being far away from your father and home sucks.

Natasha looks at you while you're way too busy gazing at the woods, she knows you aren't used to this type of setup, running away from authorities, and far from home, she felt bad for you.

She walks up behind you, making sure you're aware of her presence before placing a hand on your shoulder. "I'm going to watch a movie on my laptop, feel free to join me, I'm also eating the ice cream we bought at the convenience store earlier." She softly spoke before leaving you alone.

Minutes after, you finally stood up from where you are sitting and closing the front door, almost dragging your way to Natasha. Two bowls of ice cream in front of her, and her laptop already on, she was waiting for you.

You placed yourself beside her, head resting on her shoulder then she plays the movie on the screen, lazily taking a spoonful of the cold treat in your mouth, and eyes glued on the screen, but you weren't paying attention to the movie, you're spacing out.

"Hey, Y/N? Are you okay?" Of course, not, Natasha knows damn well you aren't okay, she thought that it's a dumb question. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?" You answered just like your father, she paused the film and causing you to look at her. "No, you're not okay, and that's okay." She says before taking you into her arms.

You're surprised actually, Natasha isn't usually the one who initiates physical contact but here she is, her arms wrapped around your body. You needed this, you needed to feel home and somehow being hugged by Natasha feels like it.

Burying your face at her shoulders then you knew you're melting in her arms, it almost brought the tears out of you, as if her touch is enough the lift the burden you've been feeling.

Natasha feels like home.

You try not to think anything about the affection she just gave, but damn, you think you'd go batshit crazy if you won't get to experience this again.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

Let's be clear here, you've had a crush on Natasha while she's still Natalie, then as soon as Fury revealed that she is some secret agent, you were so amazed that you started liking her, though she didn't contact after that.

You weren't part of the Avengers initiative, but you did join them in the battle of Sokovia, but she and Banner have a thing going on, so you've decided to set those feelings aside. Which you successfully did for a few months, and after Bruce flying who knows where maybe you can make a move?

So you did, you would jokingly flirt around Natasha, and your father would give a questioning look then you slowly back away, but you were also a great friend to Nat, it's just that you can't seem to get all romantic with Natasha.

Just as much of a playboy your father is, that's all his, you suck at this type of thing, so Nat probably thought you're just a caring and affectionate person.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

You gently pull away from Natasha's grasp, and she looks at you with her emerald eyes. "Better?" She asked, placing a hand on your cheek softly caressing your skin. "Much better, thank you." She smiled with your answer, the next thing you know is that you're way too close to her, and you're looking at her plump lips.

This would be a perfect time to make a move.

You hold the back of her hand that is on your cheek, slowly closing in, and Natasha is leaning closer, so near that you could feel each other breathing, just when your lips were about to touch hers... the power died.

Nat cleared her throat and awkwardly moving away, removing her hand away from you and she stood up. "I'm just going to check the power generator." She says before going outside.

Her face turned red as soon as she was out of your sight, she got way too vulnerable with you, she almost kissed you but she sure knows she's going to like it but no, not at a time like this.

She tried to get the power back on, only to find that there's no more fuel in the generator, she came back inside finding you eating ice cream in the corner, and probably waiting for her to come back.

"I'm going to a gas station, do you want to come with me?" She asked, you nodded before getting off your ass and bringing yourself into her car, there's this awkward tension between the two of you, and as soon as she started driving, the silence swallowed the two of you.

"Can I turn the radio on?" You asked her, she simply nodded while eyes fixated on the road, you played the radio, and Sia's Cheap Thrills came on. "Damn, even here? When is this song going to die?" You commented.

Natasha taps her fingers on the steering wheel according to the beats, despite hearing the song over and over whenever you would turn on the radio, you still liked it.

Midway through the song, you felt chills on your body, and as soon as you look at the window beside you, suddenly you see an RPG heading towards the car.

"Nat—" Before she could react it has already hit the car causing an explosion, now the vehicle is hanging on the edge of the bridge, and with one wrong move it'll head straight down to the water. "Ooh, fuck that hurts." Hissing as you try to collect yourself and trying to fight the headache it caused.

Natasha on the other hand is in pain and boy, she's mad. "I'm pretty sure Ross has no jurisdiction here, and you should know that I'm a better shot when I'm pissed off," Nat spoke before firing few bullets at the person, you look at her and biting your lip, finding her hot.

"Wow, that's hot..." You spoke under your breath but Natasha heard, glaring at you. "Really? At a time like this?" She says, before heading out of the car when you tried to get out Nat stopped you. "How long can you hold your breath?" She asked. "Last time I beat Sam it was a good 4 minutes and a half."

"As soon as this psycho comes close enough, I'll push you into the water, it's not after us." She says you look at her as if she's speaking lies. "Nat, I'm not leaving you here–" before you could protest, you felt her lips against yours it was quick but you know damn well, that Natasha kissed you.

"I'll meet you down there, I promise." She says before a shield comes charging towards her, and managed to avoid it, yet it hit the car, now you're falling off the bridge and you suddenly noticed a small case on her hand.

You quickly got out of the car before it could hit the water, then you swam heading to safety where the one who ambushed wouldn't see you.

Closing your eyes hoping that Nat would come back to you in one piece, there's no way you'll let her die after kissing you, of course, you wanted to fight but your body just wouldn't.

You can't risk losing Natasha now.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

Next Part: To Remember

[laskyy]

Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait, but I didn't have much inspiration this week. This imagine that I wrote is probably not gonna be my best, but I hope you enjoy it, because I still worked hard for it! Love you 💖

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Took you long enough

Tw: food, kissing (let me know if I missed something pls)

Genre: extreme fluff

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It was around 8:30 a.m. when you heard your phone ring, so you picked it up without looking at the caller ID because you were to sleepy to care at this point.

"Hello?" You said in a groggy voice.

"Hi sleeping beauty, did I wake you up?" The voice you couldn't get out of your head giggled.

"Oh Intak! Hi there, and well kind of, but I was about to wake up anytime soon so it's fine!" You said as your voice just sounded happier, because of Intak.

Oh and by the way you had a big fat crush on Intak and you were pretty sure he felt the same way, because you guys shared a lot of affection with each other that friends don't. Like kissing the corners of each other's lips, you have slept together in the same bed and you shared longing hugs that neither of you guys wanted to pull away from, but you were still being cautious as you didn't want to move to fast and scare him away.

"Okay then! I called to ask if you wanted to come over and have breakfast with us! You know, to catch up since we've both been busy and I want to see you, if that's okay with you." Intak said in a soothing tone and at this point you were thankful he couldn't see you blush.

"I'd love to come over Intak! I also want to see you." You said and you were sure that Intak could tell by the tone of your voice that you were smiling.

"Alright! I'll see you in 20 cutie!"

"Okay, see you!" You said as you hung up and couldn't help but blush at the nickname.

You got ready and passed by your and Intak's favourite bakery to buy some croissants and other pasteries for everyone to eat.

As you got to the dorm you texted Intak instead of knocking on the door, because you didn't know if the other boys were already awake or not.

As soon as you texted him the door opened and your favourite boy was standing right in front of you with his slightly messy hair.

"Good morning Y/n! Come in!" Intak said as he closed the door and pulled you into a warm hug.

"Good morning! How are you feeling today?"

"I'm great! And you love?" Yeah, you weren't that great after hearing that nickname, it drove you wild! And you guys weren't even dating yet!

"I-I'm good too! And I brought some food!" You said happily as you pulled away from the hug and showed him the bag of pasteries.

"Aww Y/n! You're just the sweetest! Come here, let's go to the kitchen while the other get ready to come down to eat." He said as he grabbed your hand and guided you to sit down on one of the chairs in the kitchen next to him.

"I really missed you Y/n! Can I hug you again?" He said as he gave you those puppy eyes you could never say no to.

You didn't even hesitate, you obviously accepted as Intak englufed you in a beat hug as he put his arms around your shoulders and you put yours around his torso.

"You smell really good!" You said against his chest.

"Oh, thanks I showered!" He said as you both laughed and pulled away from the hug.

Intak was the most handsome guy you had ever laid eyes on. And as cheesy as it sounds you could not stop looking at him. He was just that impactful (Intaktful - no? Sorry, moving on).

"What's wrong cutie? Is there something on my face or you just can't get enough of me?"

You laughed "Oh, you are so full of yourself. But yes I was admiring you, I have to admit it"

"It's good to know you're as smitten for me as I am for you" He said and kissed the corner of your lips softly.

You couldn't help but blush and hide your face in his broad chest as you felt it vibrate with laughter.

"You're so cute when you're shy." He said as he gave you head pats.

You guys pulled away and were just updating each other on your livres while you played with Intak's fingers, a habit that always made you feel at ease.

Eventually, the boys started coming to the kitchen and they couldn't miss the small acts of affection and little looks and giggles you shared with their member Intak, and honestly they just wanted you guys to stop tip-toeing on your feelings. They wanted you guys to realise you were, in fact, perfect for each other.

"Good morning lovebirds!" Jiung said as he softly laughed.

"Good morning!" Both you and Intak answered at the same time.

"Oh who brought food?" Soul asked as he saw the bag from the bakery down the street.

"It was Y/n! They were kind enough to bring food for breakfast!" Intak said as he pulled you closer to him.

"You brought quite a lot as well, but since you were so considerate I'm sure Intak won't let it go to waste!" Keeho said teasingly.

Intak blushed as he looked at your interwined hands.

"Aww look at them being awkward!" Theo said as he looked at Intak and you.

"Yeah They're cute! But I'm hungry and we have work later on so we need to eat!" Jongseob said as he sat down on one of the chairs as well.

You guys were eating and you lost count of how many times Intak wiped your lips or even got hair out of your face. You also lost count of how many times the members gagged! Yeah, they sure love pda.

Once you all finished eating you offered to clean up since they needed to recharge for work later in the day.

You were cleaning the kitchen when Intak wrapped his arms around your waist and softly backhugged you.

"Hey cutie, need help?"

"Hey! It's fine I'm almost finished!"

"Good, because I wanna cuddle!"

While you and Intak shared this sweet conversation in the kitchen, the other members were talking in the living room.

"Don't you guys think it's about time they start dating?" Theo stated impatiently.

"Yeah, but they just won't make a move to ask each other!" Keeho said.

"Maybe if we say something they'll consider it?" Soul said in a questioning way.

"THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! But they won't listen to just anyone. How about Jongseob says something about that! Since he's the baby and yeah you get it!" Jiung suggested while the other nodded in agreement.

Later on in the day the guys had to head off to the van so they could go to the company and it was also time to get the plan in action!

"Can we meet up tomorrow?" Intak asked as he caressed your cheek softly.

"Yeah, I'd love that actually." You said and pecked his cheek while he giggled softly.

"Look at them! We really have to do something! They've been in this stage for ages! They already look like a couple why do they assume themselves as friends? My God Jongseob do your thing!" Jiung said as he just wanted his two friends to understand they both wanted the same thing.

The boys went to the door and blocked it as Jongseob went in front to talk.

"Intak, Y/n. I just wanted to say that the both of you would look like a great couple! I mean you already do, why not make it Official! Please! You guys want this so bad! And we're not letting you get out until you're both dating each other, so good luck!" Jongseob said as he exited the dorm alongside the other members and let you two stay inside.

"Wow that was... Wow!" Was all you manage to say as you were still in shock.

"Yeah! But well we wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of them would we?" Intak said as looked you in the eyes.

"But do you really want this? I don't want us to date just because of peer pressure!" You said as you wanted to make sure Intak really wanted to be with you.

"I really want this! The reason I hadn't asked you yet, was because I never found the right moment to do it but now that they sort of gave us this oportunity I'm not wasting it! Do you want this as much as I do?" He said as he held both of your hands as a way to calm you down.

"I really do! I've been waiting for this for a long time! I didn't ask you before because I didn't want to scare you away!" You said as you smiled shyly.

"Well then, do you want to date me officially?" Intak asked as he looked at you hopefully.

"Of course I do bub!" You said as you hugged him tightly" You said and you could hear the members on the other side of the door cheering for you.

When you pulled away Intak kissed you right away and honestly it felt better than you could have possibly imagined.

"I love you Intak" You said as you pulled away from the kiss.

"I love you too Y/n" He said while leaning in for another kiss which you gladly accepted.

After a while you opened the door and were met by the members cheering for you.

A chorus of "Awws" was heard when Intak kissed your head softly.

"Took you long enough!" Theo said as the rest of you laughed.

---------------------------------------------------

Hope you guys liked this imagine! And once again happy birthday to our puppy Intak! Hope he has a great day! And I hope you guys have a great day as well!! Love you 💖💖💖

[that-crazy-five-foot-two-chick]

Summary: Winry sat in the optimal place to study in the school cafe for the entire fall semester. Then spring came, and suddenly some self-entitled twit who dressed like off-brand Gerard Way decided it was his territory. He was so not going to get off easy.

Rating: T

Word Count: 1.8k words of coffee shop/college AU with a side of enemies to almost-lovers

A/N: It's finals week, I posted this on Ao3 at almost 5am, and if the rest of the sentence didn't make it obvious, I'm writing from unfortunate experience. Not beta-ed or proofread, although I happened to see one thing to fix when I woke up this morning. Feel my raw power. Rawr.

It wasn't that big a deal.

It kind of really was, though.

Every Thursday morning during the fall semester, Winry sat in the same spot at the same school coffee shop. It was the spot sent by the entire patron pantheon of cram papers. Maybe one person didn't need an entire booth, but it was in the corner, and the tops of the bench seats had opaque plastic barriers that just so happened to be perfect for minimizing excess visual chaos. For the most part, there weren't loud conversations, and the jazz music that came through the speakers helped her tune out people ordering coffee. Add to that the fact that she could use campus flex dollars and not her own bank account that was begging for mercy, and it was the perfect spot to get papers done.

But apparently not this spring.

As soon as Winry walked in, she noticed him in the corner. Some emo wannabe guy on his computer. Probably on Reddit complaining about how women didn't appreciate the amazing pics he sent them on Tinder. Or at least, it was a fair guess based on the sour look on his face. Why did this guy of all people have to steal the holy grail spot? Ugh. She was still gonna get her coffee, darn it.

"You know the deal, Sciezska. Medium roast with a shot of espresso and vanilla creamer."

"On it! You paying in flex?"

"Yeah." She scanned her student ID and lowered her voice. "Who's off-brand Gerard Way in the corner?"

"Who's Ger—"

"The punk kid."

"Ohhh. I can try to get his number for you, if you want."

"No, he looks like a total tool! And not the kind I like dealing with!"

"Which means you think he's hot. I didn't think you were into that type, but you're not wrong."

"For the last time, no, Sciezska! He took my spot! And I'm trying very, very hard to keep this to a stage whisper, but if you keep trying to set me up with some random creep, I won't be able to!"

A distinctly male voice grumbled, "I'm not a creep."

"Keep telling that to the girls on Tinder. I'm sure they'll understand eventually."

"Yeah, and I'll bet if you look at your 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign a little more, you'll understand it eventually." He mumbled something under his breath.

"What was that, Mr. Nice Guy?"

"Lay off, it's eight in the morning. I said the only reason I even have a Tinder account is because my roommate stole my phone while I was going to the bathroom."

"Well, if you didn't want it, why didn't you delete it?"

"Eh, I figured if I really got sick of being single one day, it'd already be there."

"Never would have guessed you were single," Winry said dryly.

"Come on, it's way too early to be rubbing that kind of crap in. Who says I'm not fine with being single anyway?"

Sciezska timidly spoke up. "Medium roast with espresso and vanilla creamer?"

Winry thanked her as red jacket boy continued. "'Edward Elric, Bachelor.' Almost sounds as good as 'Edward Elric, Bachelor of Science.'"

"B.S. degree. Sounds about right."

"About time you stopped acting like I'm an idiot!"

Winry snorted. "That's not what I meant."

"Hey!"

"And with that, I'm going to go find some other spot to write my paper."

Edward, as his name apparently was, scoffed and mumbled something that sounded like "good riddance". Maybe the librarians wouldn't get on her case too much for bringing in coffee.

-----

A week later, Winry walked into the cafe, assuming the circumstances of the previous week were an anomaly. They were not.

"Medium roast with a shot of espresso and vanilla creamer," she grumbled and sulked in the direction of the corner seat.

"Hey, don't start with me again, blondie. I've had a whopping four hours of sleep and I can't promise you'll like what comes out of my mouth."

"We're at a coffee shop. Get some coffee. I can't help it if you're too hung over to be polite."

"Now look, genius. I did not stay up until 4 A.M. working on a stupid chem paper for that sadistic pyromaniac excuse for a professor just for some random chick to accuse me of being hung over."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And for your information, coffee doesn't really help me wake up. It just helps me focus on homework." He lifted up his empty cup and gave it a shake.

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

"ADHD is a weird thing, and yet, here I am."

"Huh, interesting."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pick up where I left off with the same stupid ten page paper I started last night."

"Oh right. Sure," Winry stammered. "Listen, I'm really sorry I just assumed things about you. It was wrong of me, and I'd like to make it up to you, if that's okay."

Edward eyed her suspiciously. "What do you have in mind?"

"Well...I could look over your paper once you're done writing it? I've got a paper of my own to write while I'm waiting, and I can sit right across the table here so you don't have to come get me. I won't try to talk to you or anything. Neither of us need that kind of distraction."

"Alright, alright. Get your coffee and sit down. The girl at the counter's been up there waiting for a good minute or two while you've been at confessional over here."

"Wait, she has?" Winry's eyes widened, and Edward laughed at her expense. He was kind of attractive when he wasn't scowling...wait what? She pouted and got up to retrieve her coffee. When Winry returned, she plopped down on the bench opposite Edward and opened her laptop. Peeking out from behind it, she added, "By the way, I'm Winry. I figured you ought to at least know the name of the person who's proofreading your paper."

"Well, Winry, you're the one who volunteered." The corners of his mouth twitched upward. The two worked on their assignments in silence, occasionally speaking up when necessary.

-----

Edward was in the corner again the next week as well.

"Hey, Edward! Mind if I join you for homework again?"

"Normally, I'd say no, but you didn't bother me too much last week, so you might as well." He turned away slightly.

"Great! Have you gotten your coffee yet? I didn't see a cup, and you got something the last two times."

"Eh, I haven't been here long. If you're going up and getting yours, would you mind ordering a caramel macchiato for me?" He asked, sliding his ID across the table.

"Yeah, no problem. I'll be back in a sec."

She returned and slipped his ID back before pulling out her computer. "Do you have anything for me to look over this time?"

"Not this week. But if you have anything you need looked over, I can do that, too."

"Actually, I do, if you wouldn't mind."

"Winry, I just volunteered. Just send the paper to my school email. Mine's 'elricedwa'," he instructed as he proceeded to spell it.

"Medium roast and a caramel macchiato?" Sciezska called out.

"Coming!" Winry replied and turned to Edward. "I just sent it, so you should be able to start while I'm getting our stuff." Eyes glued to his laptop, Edward gave a thumbs up.

Once she returned with their drinks, Winry sat down and wordlessly set Edward's drink next to him.

"Thanks," he muttered distantly. His lips mirrored the words he was reading. Though his lips weren't plump by any stretch of the imagination, they were shapely. His steely concentration made the air leave Winry's lungs. To top it all off, the first rays of sunlight came through the window just right, hitting Edward's hair in a way that made it positively glow.

What was she thinking? Those were only the sorts of things people thought when they had a crush. She'd only had two positive interactions with him, including this one. ...well, maybe it was a crush. She could certainly do worse than someone with a questionable fashion sense. After all, he worked hard, and he got good grades, if the quality of his writing was any indication. Okay, fine. He was also drop dead gorgeous, if you could see past his clothing choices. Yeah, she had a crush.

"Did you hear anything I just said?"

"...no."

"Figures. I finished reading your paper. It's not bad, I just left a few suggestions for sentence structure. Now I am going to enjoy my caramel macchiato." He took off the lid and breathed in the steam with his eyes closed, nearly drooping into the cup in content. When he opened his eyes slowly, Winry was awestruck by the similarity between the color of his eyes and his drink.

"What?" Edward furrowed his eyebrows.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything. At all. Nope."

"Okay." He shrugged. She reopened the document and went through his suggested edits. Gnawing her lip in concentration, she leaned forward a bit to settle in and tackle the editing.

"...hey, uh, Winry?" Edward gulped. "Are you going to drink your coffee?"

"Oh! Yeah, I almost forgot. Thanks, Edward!" she smiled.

"No–no problem. And you can call me Ed, you know. Most people do. Except for that excuse for a professor that calls me pipsqueak. Can you believe he's my advisor? I mean, come on, I'm a grown man. I'm not that short."

Winry made a poor attempt at containing her laughter. "Okay then, Ed. Prove it. Stand up."

"Fine." He slid out of the booth and stood. Winry followed suit and appraised their respective heights.

"Well, I'd hardly call you tall, but you're at least taller than me by a few inches, for whatever that's worth."

Edward grinned as if he had won some sort of prize. "Time for shorties to sit down now!"

"Watch it now. You're not too far from that label yourself, mister."

They both returned to their positions in the booth and worked steadily for the next hour. At the end of that time, Winry closed her laptop. "Ed, are you okay? You seem distracted."

"ADHD. I'm always distracted," he dismissed.

"No, like, are you sick or something? You did get more than four hours of sleep this time, right?"

"No comment." Ed's mouth twitched. He mumbled barely loud enough to hear, "Wouldn't have mattered anyway."

"Are you sure? If you're not feeling well, I can drive you over to the health center."

"N-no. That's not it." He exhaled, then slid a napkin across the table. His hands trembled slightly. "Anyway, here's my number. In case you need me to look over a paper. Or whatever. I've got a class soon."

Winry blushed, but tucked the napkin in her laptop. "Thanks, Ed. See you next week?"

"Yeah. Next week."

-----

Winry: This goes with your major, right?

Edward: Blocked

[mkschnoe]

When I Thought I Wasn’t Good Enough

When I think of you I am not taken to the memories where I fell in love with you, I am not taken there – I am taken to the bedroom where I stood in front of our bed, your bed. I hated the sheets, I wanted more color, I wanted more throw pillows, but you wanted white and black. I am standing over the bed you laid in with the mother of your child. Where you loved, where you held your daughter together, where you had sex, where you woke up together. Its been cleaned and replaced with another person. I am standing in what we called our house, In front of my bed, eyes full of tears. I cry, and I tell my fiance that he can sleep with other woman... if only I can have the man I fell in love with, back. If I can have that person back, feel him, touch his lips again, hear his voice say “honey” after the I love you that I waited to hear every time. I dismissed the whole point of the sentence “ I love you “ it was mute to me, It only mattered if I heard honey for some reason. It spoke something different to me, restless, barley awake, id touch his chest and say I love you to hear honey once more. In those moments, that was all the reassurance I needed. We were okay.

Every night we gathered together in our save place, bed. We forget about our problems long enough to sleep one more night together – In hopes when we wake, I'll have him back. These problems couldn't really exist, right?

Until we woke and life became a reality when we had to go about our daily life.

I watched him every morning, and despite our differences, he'd lift his restless body out of bed – as bad as he wanted to stay tucked in where he was safe. He got up, turned the light on, and would sit there next to me frustrated that he can never find matching socks.

He would go into the kitchen and put the shirt I ironed the night before on, I'd yell to remind him to not forget his lunch. I'd lay there waiting - waiting for him to kiss my forehead before he left … when he didn't, I knew we weren't okay. Every morning I laid in bed waiting to see if he remembered I was here, that I needed that kiss. How petty of me to need something so simple to fall back asleep. Does he know?

Does he know I wake up every morning thinking of him? Thinking what I can do to make his life easier. So, I do the only thing I know what to do naturally – I clean the house, I do the laundry, fold it, and stand in front of his side trying to remember where he likes his shirts exactly. I clean the floors because he hates to have crunchies in bed. I light a candle. I have dinner ready when he gets home. We lay there on the couch and I ask to massage his feet. Feet are gross, and there was something about massaging his feet that literally made me happy. To touch any part of his body, to ease any amount of stress I can. We'd get in bed and I would crawl into my spot under his arm, I'd kiss him, and nearly every night we ever had together – I would place my hand on his chest, gather my breathing to get in tune with his. I'd say a prayer to myself that God/Universe will take the anxiety away, to surround him with goodness, light, and maybe give me some so he can have less of it.

How can I love a human this much and I am still not good enough. Am I loving him wrong, what do I need to do to change things about me? So I pay close attention to the girls he talks to... the girls he doesn't know I know about. Okay... so I need to look more like them? I'll never be white, I can't have blonde hair, and I can't be 100lbs.

I begin to look at myself in such disgust, maybe I need to be tinier to fit into his expectations.

Now I am in my own skin scared shitless to be naked in front of him because I don't look good enough. I am the same me the day we met to the moment we share right now.

I can't take it anymore so I create a fight any chance I get to get reassurance that I am good enough. If I try to leave, he'll fight for me, and I will know, right? How can he not see what I am doing, why can he not see me hurting, why can he not see me so desperate to have him WANT me. Does he want anymore, or am I just convenient. I am so unsure of anything right now – our relationship is going downhill.. we fight to make up, and I lay there at night mad at myself that I caused a fight that we worked thru, but it's another reason he won't want me tomorrow. Right now is okay, so I will take it and hate myself tomorrow. I am in bed with him, no other girl has stolen him from me. I've won one more night. What will tomorrow hold?

We have good days, and bad days to follow. I am losing pieces of myself along this journey and I am not aware of it yet. I am scooping to levels I never would of done before to have a man love me, to feel wanted, and be as important that he is to me.

I am taken back to a memory one day as I look out the window. I am eleven years old – my brothers and sister sit next to me laughing as we sit in the car with our foster parents. I am not aware of what they're laughing about. I am looking at the green grass pass so quickly and I am left there thinking about my sibling's father sexually abusing me. We are on our way to get ice cream, why am I thinking about this? It's all I ever think about. How do I get this out of my head, will I ever?

Am I programmed to love men that hurt me. I often wonder why I didn't leave when he told me I wasn't going to be good enough one day. Did I stick around to prove a point to myself or to him that I am worthy enough to be treated well with love, respect, goodness, and more than a body to use. How did I get this far from myself. I yell inside, NO! You are better than this Mariah – walk away! Instead, I sit there on the bayou wall, head down, eyes full of tears asking myself what I did to make him not want me anymore. I sit there silently as he tells me one day he will get tired of having sex with just me, he will need another woman. I say nothing, standing over me, he gestures his hand down to lift me off the ground, and we walk away like he just didn't break a million pieces in me that took a very long time to rebuild from my childhood.

The cycle begins – we break up, we sleep with other people, we get back together. We find out about these other people and the insecurity has taken over even more. Now I want him to feel how I do – that is where I fucked up. I wanted him to feel something he most likely already felt deep down, but that wasn't good enough for me. I was in need of attention, regardless of who it came from so maybe he would want me back. What have I done... I don't look at any other human the way I look at him, why? I try so hard, I want so badly to look at another man the way I do him just so maybe I can start over.

Why am I not good enough. I’d rather live a lifetime without knowing love than love him as bad as I do in this moment.

[igotshinee21]

Dear Jonghyun,

A year. That's what it's been. I still can't believe it. You have everyone around the world missing you and crying and praying that you're ok. It seems like just yesterday I was 5 sitting in front of the TV in my grandmother's house watching SHINee's debut stage. All I could focus on was you. It took my grandmother having to pull the Korean news channel up on her computer for me to go eat breakfast and get ready for the day.

I couldn't stop watching you. I knew you were singing for your Noona but I. I felt like you were singing for me. You were smiling but looked so focused on the dance that you just radiated 'LOOK AT ME IM THE BLING!' and I just remember asking my grandma who you were and she reads the Hangul going across tbe screen and says 'Kim Jonghyun' and that's when I fell in love.

That whole day I went through Kindergarten class singing Replay and all the kids around me called me names cause they spoke English they didn't understand who you were or how powerful you were. You made a 5 year old have standards for guys that I shouldn't have had.

I went home that day still humming it and went inside. I went on the computer and just searched you and then I saw you. The next few years went by. I fell more in love with you by the day. But after you debuted and became my center the worse took place.

My step dad the person who I was to go to for comfort and feel protected by began to abuse me. Every night I would lay in bed crying and wondering why a now 6 year old had to go through this. I started sobbing and the only thing that calmed me down was you. The smile that your face brought and the twinkle your eyes shown. I laid in bed everynight thinking of you begging you to come get me from the life I was living.

The abuse got worse. I was 7 with depression and having to steal my mom's makeup to cover up bruises. That's when I started having panic attacks and hyperventilating. The one night I couldn't breathe and had to go to the hospital but the doctor asked me if I had a way to calm down and I said yes. Music. And more specifically SHINee, you. He played like 3 of your songs and watched as I went from on the brink of passing out to dancing to replay.

He told me that it was because of you I was breathing and hadn't died of oxygen lack. So I left happy. But the abuse didn't let up. If anything it got worse. He used you guys against me, told me I was getting punished cause you guys saw me as a disappointment. But I knew it was a lie. You guys brought a smile to my face every time I thought of you. But when I turned 10, that's when I turned to you for the late nights in the bathroom. When the only relief was self harm. After a while of sitting there you talked me into putting the blade down and cleaning up and that I could make it cause your voice gave me hope it gave me a safe place. Weeks later I was in the same spot though. Except this time I wanted to end my life. I sat there crying and didn't move. No one was home. But my iPod started playing randomly and the first thing I hear is you. Your voice came through the headphones clear as day. I fell asleep on the bathroom floor feeling like I was gonna be okay because I felt like you weren't gonna let anything happen to me. But of course he had other plans. He took most of my innocence and told me if I told a soul I'd get in so much trouble. So I kept my mouth shut. Now 2014 comes and I'm turning 11. I'm in the 6th grade and it's November. Thanksgiving time. next week and a half is hell for me. my grandma dies and you know who helps me cope??? You.. you let me cry myself to sleep thinking I was gonna be okay.

YOU WERE MY HOPE

YOU WERE MY SAVIOR

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SAVED ME

But of course let's rewind some of 2014. You became 'Blue Night's radio host and every day it never failed I'd listen. Even though I didnt understand much your voice got me through the everyday life.

Now 2015. By this time I had tried ending my life a total of 4 times. I self harmed more than what I wish I did and I became so wrapped up with my pain and the fear of people seeing me weak I was diagnosed with Smiling depression. The same thing you had. But you held me through all the pain and suffering. My mom leaves my step dad. And actually right now in 2018 shes in the process of divorcing him.

We move down south from New York to Georgia (USA). I was afraid of people making fun of me that I barley listened to kpop. I was so absorbed with not getting put an outcast I almost lost you. But you still were there. The nights I cried. The nights I have like tonight where i just hurt and don't know how to fix it.

2016 rolls around and I lose it! You release you're she is album on my birthday and I felt like the luckiest girl ever. I called my grandma and told her how you wrote she is for me. And yes at the age 13 i swore we were soul mates. I had ever since I was 5 so why stop?

And then 2017... I lost sight of you. I barley kept in touch with what SHINee and you were doing. I knew you stopped hosting. And y'all dropped a Japanese song (GET THE TREASURE IS A BOP! But so is every SHINee song) i was so focused with school and sports I lost sight of you. Then I moved to where I am now. And face more shit. I was sexually harrased the first 3 months I moved here, I stared self harming again and pulled all nigher just so I wouldn't have nightmares. Then December 18th comes. I wake up to my friend blowing up my emails and feed with the news. I was lost deviated shocked numb. I couldnt feel anything. You were my everything. My rock. The reason I kept fighting. And I couldn't help you from the thing you helped me from.

I didn't do anything for the next two weeks. I was of course numb. I did the bareminimun. I barley ate. I didn't sleep. Then I cried non stop in my room. I couldn't let everyone know I was hurting. My family didn't even think there was something wrong with me cause I hid the pain so well. I mean I became so good at looking okay people just assumed I had the best of everything.

January 1st came and I didnt want to do this. I didn't want anymore tomorrows. But as I sat in my room crying over you I heard it. The same thing I heard every time I cried like that. You told me id be okay and that you'd always be there. Then for some reason I couldn't stop wanting to see you. Every SHINee video I watched. Every video of you I watched.

I haven't read your letter or watched the funeral. I refuse. I guess I'm afraid it'll make it like official official that you're gone and that I have no choice but to say goodbye. But I don't wanna say goodbye you became my reason for fighting. The reason I rolled out of bed. The hope that life was gonna get better

I wish I could have helped you. I'm so sorry. I just hope you're okay and happy and not hurting.

You did well bling bling. I'll post more later today. It's just gonna be my favorite moments of you. You and SHINee. Always and forever.

I hope the words I could never say reach you. 'THANK YOU'

(just some people on insta paying tribute)

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

COVID can be obtained over and over until death

If you have COVID asymptomatic or symptomatic more than twice you will certainly die from COVID. An easy way to tell if you were in the hospital is if you had one negative test followed by a positive then two negative then you will die.

Now if you have COVID 1 time then test positive for COVID-19 then you'll be fine.

Only DNA4U you can tell you that. I would had said so before but no one asked about a test but China and Conatanance told them how to do it appropriately.

However in the United States they suddenly started rolling out government tests developed by the lab that actually started the virus in Wuhan, China.

China did not have any of these tests available but the United States did. Hmmm. Food for thought.

So the ability to keep track is also unavailable

Also China didnt run out of ventilators nor did Italy or any other country on the other side of the planet... Hmm ... Food for thought.

I wonder why? Not, we know it's because they followed directions. Secede from the country anyone?

Now for Corona Virus there are two types or variations of the virus, out the butt like the flu or out the nose and throat like a respiratory infection. If youre lucky it comes out the butt. Who would had thought?!

Because otherwise they hook you up to used and reused respiratory devices just for a slight cough. Hmm wonder why... Any one see government evil around here? *cough* George Bush? He killed his 93 year old own dad btw by choking him... But that's besides the point -- his dad wasn't as evil as he looked.. Only 10% less but GW wanted to blame him and get into that deep pocket book. *cough* his,dad left him $50,000, a regular typical worth $250k speed boat and a house worth only 1 million in the USA not even out of the country!

He left most of his money to state Governor's Balls which is weird at first but in explanation its where he had the most fun in his life and spent most of the year looking forward to. So he wanted them to continue for the rest of however long they could.

Then GW stole that money!! But the FBI recovered it and put it in its own fund far away from greedy sticky fingers.

Unlike how HW and GW can torture the Earth, Corona Virus will only torture you once.

Now the WHO doesn't know this for sure for sure for sure. Because we don't release DNA4U data. Because for privacy reasons. Except for to doctors in hospital only registered data collections kits which are the same as the DNA4U home kits.

And we asked that no government agency release any information to the public in regards to the health of their community when using DNA4U except for Death Tolls and a certain mixture of COVID or CV numbers. Until more countries get on the same page.

Canada has been deathly silent as well as Africa and Mexico and South America hasnt said much.

China was the forerunner so we did ask their numbers be slightly more accurate than others

So WHO told President Lyndon B Johnson to shove it many years ago and he also tells "President" Trump that now. See the coincidence? Lyndon B Johnson tried to release 3 different plagues, the Bubonic, black and Typhoric. And we refused.

So what is happening here with the ventilators is that Agent Orange thinks that a totally different type of virus had been spread but hasn't. Because he ordered 7 and Nathaniel ordered one and the one Nathaniel ordered which was last when the first 7 mysteriously "failed" Eric Trump called him to ask what to do since it was obviously me stopping it... He said to send out a more mild one, then moderate then a mild then severe. To trick me. But Eric said none were released and they weren't all super bugs and so Nathaniel said give it time and Eric Trump said "no the entire batches simply disappeared!!" "Give it time!!"

So Eric Trump said they had a new batch of the most severe cooking and they would lie and tell me it was the cure and see if i would escalate it and develop the batch better and faster

So we did as asked. It only kills evil aliens and evil humans and aliens asked to return home.

Did exactly as asked. Provided a cure for the planet better and biggger than they could imagine.

Probably shouldn't lied, huh?

Of course 4 of my daughters and their husbands and Marc Antony did it.

I'm just a boring ordinary human most of the time. Then let the CIA handle distribution.

I allow Quarentine because it keeps people home with their babies. It changes the world. It wakes people.

I don't like many aspects mainly because of hospital care and no I'm not gonna call people stupid again. I don't think its necessary more than once

Look how many times ive said it about others? The majority of time it's a waste...

Unless there's a direct subject line to breach.

Unfortunately with the way our country is settled with 50 states then the smaller governments and the overall federal government we have a huge amount of political gain and competition which contributes highly to corruption.

Because the country is too big and politics are not handled appropriately. It is ran by money not intuition

Its ran by voter fraud. Paper mail in ballots which then people pay people to fill out and mail in.

In person ballots that people Look at the registered voters "oh I forgot my ID, can I go vote?" And they're allowed Because the voting polls are ran by corrupted volunteers.

Blaming Russia was an attempted military gain by Trump but when he attempted to invade to create war, Russia shot back using artillery shells, wrecking planes then arresting the troops until Trump ran away with his tube tail between his legs and they're still holding them prisoner because Trump doesn't know what to do and he asked North Korea to help by attacking them and they said no.

It's about 4500 of the USA's most elite troops gone out to attack in 2003, 2006 under Bush, then in 2016 and mid 2017 and beginning of 2018. Bush got his released under Biden while Obama was getting drunk on his spices (not according to Biden but Tree & Conatanance whom tells me many of these stories)

Why are they picking on Russia? Russia hates human trafficking and will put a stop to it any day!

Now thanks to COVID, we will, too. :)

Thanks Eric Trump for your special request!

[starkissedblade]

very diary-like post, beware 🚨! i remember reading when nico was revealed as gay and i just felt afraid like i wasn't reading it very well because the books weren't capturing my attention much anymore so i wasn't following the scene well at all, i actually had a hard time following it. FUCK i just remembered i think id skipped ahead and saw that he said he was gay?? it's fuzzy to me in a certain way. i don't know how to describe what i felt but it wasn't good. and i just remember like "someone is going to find out i have this" and like that night my step dad mentioned what happens in the book if im remembering (cause he reads them too and he found out somehow) and it wasn't a good topic. it was like it was condoned and i just remember the fear and i hadn't put thought into my orientation but it was something that occasionally haunted the very back recesses of my thoughts a few times and i was just so afraid of what was going to happen to me. i didn't say another word about it and i had a dislike of the whole book, series, and situation after that. i wouldn't consider myself in a closet at the time because i wasn't very Aware but im going to use it to say it pushed me farther into the closet. i felt like something senseless and cruel was going to happen to me at any moment. i think i bitterly thought (not directly. idk how but i never thought of anything directly) that being led to shit because of this was the plausible next step for me after all the other shit id lived through (i didn't think of any of that really either until a few years ago) and it would be the thing to kick me directly into the dust, that it would prove i was just poor trash and everyone had every right to pay me little attention and throw me from their sight. i would never be actually loved (i hardly even knew what that meant) and the people that held an eye on me for a few moments sometimes would have no reason to look at me anymore. i would have none of the little possibility that i somehow kept through my childhood, that there might be softer days i had no words for. and i desperately was trying not to feel any of this and trying to stay away from feeling so low. i spent so much time feeling very low but not letting myself feel too much of anything, or think too much of anything, to get any lower, or towards any sick reality i might wake up to find myself in. it's weird to think of how i safeguarded myself and harmed myself and i hardly noticed, because i didn't let myself think. i had dark thoughts about the world as a kid but at some point i stopped trying to think too hard about anything and then that led to not thinking about anything really. it's a miracle that ive been able to heal somewhat from this shit in the last few years. i was so incredibly fucked up, and with no one irl there to help me or 'save' me. but ive managed to be here and now and it's the best gift i could ever wish to give to myself.