#i don't see me i see a blonde girl. i see klav. i see klav and i'm beating him to death. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

elytrafemme · 6 days ago

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i tried to be the strong one at age 17 and my alters were trying to be the strong one for me, they always thought i was weak. and now i'm vulnerable and stupid and incapable of doing much at all, i'm so much weaker mentally than my friends. and i just think they'd be disappointed if they saw me. or maybe proud but like, it's not like i can ask. but i have a party tonight. and some work i should do. and i don't want to be a fucking downer. me and klavier always felt like we were both late to the party, to our own party, and i guess in his stead i have to get my shit together and get us there. because some time ago he might have really liked that. and i'll never know.

#neg #i think im going to throw up #i wish i was strong. i wish i was fucking strong.#and my friends ask me why i throw myself into work and my mom asks me if 18 credits plus a job is a good idea #and it's never enough none of it is. none of what i do is ever going to be enough because i'm supposed to withstand it #they taught me everything they knew and i have to believe they knew more than me because otherwise why would they have been there #i have to believe that no matter what happens to me now i can survive it because if i didn't they would come back to save me #sometimes i want to forgive my seventeen year old self and sometimes i want to beat her dead but whenever i think of her like that #i don't see me i see a blonde girl. i see klav. i see klav and i'm beating him to death.#because i wanted to be strong but i never was so i was just angry instead.

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