#i don't need benzos if i have drama

[cursedvida]

" Ok well, maybe I thought about killing him, but I'm the only one allowed to think about killing him, and if you ever think about killing him too, I'll kill you first, but not before making you want to die desperately" —Mae about Noa.

[coldsac]

September 16 2023

3 benzos (1.5mg ativan lol) and 1 benadryl after drinking 2.5 double IPAs and vaping, today has been a reconciliation with my trauma after confronting my friend about her coldheartedness in the face of knowing about my trauma. I have to talk to her tomorrow. I wrote up an "essay" on triangular friendships today in the early afternoon after smoking 1 hit and sitting in my closet. today my closest friend's friend was visiting and I woke up to them laughing, which in november hurt me (I was detached, feeling traumatized) but today after realizing while crying 2 nights ago that I love the feeling of being the victim that I have internal power and I am useless not to use it. I love being the victim. it makes me feel so small, like an animal, like I can do no wrong... when I spoke to my friend about my trauma, and how recent events have made me re-traumatized, she said that she could remember times where I have been condescending but that the thing I said that caused all this to happen wasn't even condescending, but of course I am somewhat fixed on the idea of my condescension, altho I am not fixated now but could easily be the next time I get high... the last month I have been getting high again, which makes me/forces me to be in tune with my emotions, to play out the drama in my head where I know I could remain painful, traumatized, victimized, but something has broken in me recently where I am sick of victimhood, sick of not knowing, when I do know... I have to talk to her tomorrow. what will I say? I want to be real. I want to get high with her. I want it to be private. to be sentimental. I want her to know that I want to reconcile. I want her to know what I think, because I have been feeling like she can't handle what I think about her, and I don't want to be an absolute cunt but I feel like she cannot handle me, and that she wants me to be something else and wants to consolidate power against me. It's so easy to interpret her insanity as something else, is what my friend said... it's easy to take her as malevolent when she isn't, she is just a weed addict, and it makes her careless, makes her unable to look around and take stock of what is going on... I liked hearing that my friend defended me... I just want her to defend me, I just want her to look at me and take care of me, I'm literally like Kendall, I just want her to take care of me, because if I can't be me I don't know what I'm for. what can I be if not real? why can I not be real? I must be autistic, I need to be real with everyone, I cannot deal with these kinds of social mores that make me into something I can't ever try to be because it makes me circumscribed and not thought-out. I wrote:

In young women’s friendships there is a triangular form that develops in which two of the women will become better friends in relation to the third woman. This is a relation which serves to reinforce values in the relationship between the two better friends (referred to in this post as the “best-friends” or A/B) by means of extracting sources of bad feelings from the third friend (referred to as the “good-friend” or C).

Women will rank their friends according to how much value they provide them, how similar they are in terms of their value-judgements of others, their society, their culture, and their interpersonal relationships, and how many good feelings they produce in them (such as familiarity, coalition, righteousness, humor, intelligence, etc.) These rankings affect the quality and kind of information that is given to each friend regarding another. With a “best-friend,” conflict may often be worked out between the friends; they will not speak badly about the other. When conflict arises with a “good-friend,” the indignant will outsource her bad emotion in a conversation with a best-friend. This is the “primary session”. This discussion of conflict (usually gossip, shit-talking, or ‘psychoanalyzing’) strengthens the best-friend relation by the working-out of boundaries and values by proxy. The conflict, in the form of the bad-behavior of the good-friend, will be surveyed like a text, by which the best-friends come to diffuse bad emotion by consolidating power against the good-friend.

The best-friends will simultaneously launch covert operations by which they will consolidate this power on a ‘sub-real’ level (a level of reality masked by appearances.) While maintaining ‘real’ relations with the good-friend, by means of gifts, compliments, and generosity, they will reinforce a sub-real tension, often appearing in forms of covert meetings, text messages, and disinvitations. The good-friend will be made to feel welcome as a best-friend but put in her place in order to reshape her

TO BE CONTINUED...

[punkscowardschampions]

Fraze & Bea

Fraze: Where are you? Bea: getting some last minute supplies Bea: why? Fraze: Come back Bea: what's wrong Fraze: Joe is Fraze: So Ali reckons Fraze: I need to go Bea: let me catch up Bea: what's wrong with Joe, and where is he that you need to go Fraze: He's fucked off back Bea: yeah Bea: he didn't want to come back anyway so Bea: what's the drama Fraze: Do you wanna fucking do this while you're shopping? Bea: I'm just trying to work out what's actually going on right now Bea: what did Ali say Fraze: She said that he asked her for a drugs hook up so she sent him to some school kid who ain't got what he needed Bea: oh yeah Bea: so that's out of character Bea: and strange that he would ask Ali so I get why she's freaking but why are you then Fraze: 'Cause the kid reckons he wanted heroin and when that was off the table he bought 50 benzos & cleared the dealer out Fraze: I ain't freaking out Fraze: I'll sort it, told her and now I'm telling you Bea: what the fuck Bea: seriously Fraze: It's bullshit, it has to be Fraze: But she wouldn't let me talk to the dealer kid so I'm gonna have to talk to Joe Bea: of course it is Bea: it's ridiculous Bea: are you sure Bea: I can talk to the kid Bea: I'm more tactful than you Fraze: I'm not sending you to flirt with some underage dealer Fraze: Fuck off Bea: who said anything about flirting Bea: not trying to pick up, Jesus Fraze: What are you gonna do then offer to help him with his homework legit? Fraze: Come on Bea: You really think I'll need to resort to bribery Fraze: I ain't thinking about what you need, babe Fraze: No offense Bea: Don't be stupid Bea: I just don't think coming at Joe all guns blazing is the best idea Fraze: And I don't reckon Ali will be consider it sorted if I send him a quick text Fraze: She thought he was gonna do himself in Fraze: I should fucking kill him for scaring her like that Bea: that's shitty but like you said Bea: it's bullshit Bea: this doesn't need to be amped up further than it clearly already has, like Fraze: Granted dropping some pills at a family BBQ don't make her no expert but she's not stupid Fraze: And she wouldn't come to me for fuck all Fraze: So there's something Fraze: Whatever the fuck it is, I can't just leave it Bea: I'm not saying she is, or there isn't but Bea: I'll be there soon Bea: I can go see him Fraze: I said no Fraze: It should be me Bea: it's going to be weird Bea: you barely speak and you're just gonna show up Bea: I know he's your brother but come on Fraze: Don't Bea: No, if you can't handle even talking about it how are you gonna do it Fraze: You gonna try and tell me what I can handle now, yeah? Bea: I'm not telling you anything for my own sake here Fraze: Mine or his then? Bea: Both Bea: but mainly yours Bea: what, you think if I visited and he was living in a crack den I'd keep it to myself? Fraze: Nah, what I'm thinking is I don't need you to fight my battles for me Fraze: There's nothing I can't do, alright Fraze: End of story Bea: It's not a battle and you're being childish Fraze: Of course it is Fraze: What isn't Fraze: Everything's a fucking fight in this fucking family Bea: and all I'm saying is assess the situation before making it one Bea: what are we actually going on here Bea: the words of a child drug dealer who probably fancies your sister Bea: what other proof do we have Fraze: Ali Fraze: She saw him before he left and she spoke to him after Fraze: She don't spook easy Bea: He did look a bit rough Bea: but I just thought he'd been going hard with everything Bea: it's an adjustment Bea: maybe there is more but it can't be Bea: that Fraze: Yeah Bea: when are you going then? Fraze: Not til I've seen you Bea: I'm on my way back now Fraze: Good Bea: are you sure about this? Fraze: Are you saying I shouldn't Bea: I don't know Bea: I've got no idea what you're meant to do or should do Bea: if it's real and true Bea: and if it ain't that's a whole other mess Fraze: All I know is that I can't tell my fucking parents Fraze: Fucked if I've got a clue about anything else Bea: definitely not Bea: fucking hell Fraze: Come with me Fraze: No eyebrows are getting raised if we fly off together Bea: True Bea: Maybe I could stay Bea: I'm basically ready Fraze: Are you? Bea: well Bea: doubt halls are but Bea: only so many books I can buy Bea: I don't know Bea: just an idea Fraze: Then don't stay in halls Fraze: That's an idea Bea: they're not the usual Bea: I told you, they look amazing Fraze: I'm sure they do, babe Fraze: But if you stay with him until they are ready, wouldn't that solve like half our problems Bea: I literally offered to go see him and you said no, like five minutes ago Fraze: Will you do it or not? Bea: do you want me to? Fraze: It ain't about what I want Bea: sounds like you're keen so Bea: sure Bea: why not Fraze: 'Cause I could be sending you into a drug den Bea: well obviously that'd change things Bea: everything Fraze: No shit Bea: 🙄 Fraze: It ain't your turn to be childish Fraze: What do you want? Bea: What do you want me to say? Bea: Like I said, I don't know Fraze: Yeah you do Fraze: Cut the bullshit, you just don't wanna tell me what you've decided Fraze: But I'm a big boy now, I can take it Bea: that ain't true Bea: I don't know, actually Bea: not like I'm jumping at the chance to spend loads of 1x1 time with him either Fraze: Then don't Fraze: It's off the table Fraze: Forget about it Bea: You don't get to decide for me Bea: I'm allowed to think about it before committing, Christ Fraze: Don't start for fuck's sake Bea: What Bea: I ain't said fuck all Fraze: You know what Fraze: You've made it clear enough that I ain't got no say in what you do Fraze: Anymore Bea: We can't keep going over this Bea: that's how it's meant to be Bea: we can't make decisions like that based on each other Fraze: You can't Fraze: Name one decision I've made since we were kids that ain't got you in the fucking centre of it Bea: that ain't fair Fraze: I know Fraze: But what's fair got to do with any of this Bea: I have to go to Cambridge and you have to go here Bea: that's just what it is Fraze: I'm not stopping you Fraze: I only asked you what you want Fraze: There's my answer, yeah? Bea: you can't keep making me feel bad about it Bea: like it isn't what's best for both of us Fraze: You can't just not feel bad about it Bea: I don't Bea: I know it's the right decision Bea: but if you could not call me a selfish bitch about it that might be nice Fraze: Those words have never come out of my mouth Fraze: If you hear 'em it's 'cause you're thinking 'em yourself, babe Bea: Nah Bea: but nice try, like Fraze: At least one of us is Bea: Fuck off Bea: I'm coming right now, aren't I Fraze: Fuck you Fraze: Did that even sound like enough when you typed it Bea: I'm not doing this right now Fraze: When then, graduation? Bea: What is there to discuss Bea: that we haven't already Fraze: So your solution is stop talking about it and just fucking do it Fraze: Alright Fraze: Fucking do it Bea: I am Bea: doesn't mean I have to go right now 'cos you're ready to be rid Fraze: What are you waiting for Bea: I told you, my halls for one Bea: Jesus, I'll sleep on the sofa if you're that bothered Bea: don't worry Fraze: Do what you want, you will anyway Bea: yeah, I will Bea: don't know why this is news Fraze: It ain't Fraze: Don't you worry Bea: Great Bea: See you in 5 Fraze: Yeah Bea: I don't want to leave like this Bea: alright Fraze: Then don't Fraze: I don't want you to Bea: let's just enjoy the time we've got left yeah Fraze: Alright Fraze: But what are we gonna do about Joe? Bea: We can still go but I think it'd be better if we were more careful with it Bea: if there is a problem, we'll find out and we'll do something about it Bea: can't literally strong-arm him into rehab Bea: I promise I'll go see him Fraze: I could, I could fucking break his arm but Fraze: I won't Bea: You know it makes sense Bea: Ali will be fine Bea: yeah Fraze: You want me to shower you with compliments now, yeah? Fraze: Like it ain't enough that Cambs knows how smart you are Fraze: Alright, Red. You've got me Bea: Would it be so bad? Fraze: Probably end up feeling good Fraze: But you already know that Bea: You too Bea: so stop fighting it Fraze: I told you, everything's a fight Fraze: So make me Bea: Easy Fraze: We'll see in 5 Bea: like you've forgot Fraze: You're the one who's ready to go Fraze: Maybe you have Bea: I haven't Fraze: Swear to me Fraze: That you won't Bea: Why would I Bea: HOW would I Fraze: To make it easier Fraze: And 'cause you can do anything like Bea: I can Bea: but I don't want to Bea: I said, I wanna enjoy however long we have left, right Fraze: And I said, me too Bea: then let's do it Fraze: Only waiting on you Fraze: Longest 5 fucking minutes Bea: don't blame me I took the bus in Fraze: If you want me to brawl the driver I can do that, but you'll already be off by then Fraze: So I'd much rather blame you for not letting me drive you Fraze: Less blood, only slightly less danger Bea: gotta get used to not having a car for a while, don't I Bea: and you know what I want, idiot Fraze: That's the hardship of this, yeah? Miss me as your fucking chauffeur Fraze: Cheers, babe Bea: You're welcome Bea: even uber ain't this efficient Fraze: Put it on my CV, shall I? Bea: No Bea: private driver only, thanks Fraze: You're such a princess Bea: I am not Fraze: Shame Bea: Really Fraze: I was gonna carry you in but gotta wait for you to walk now Bea: Such a romantic, you Fraze: You ain't forgotten Bea: didn't say I had Fraze: Like I said, don't Bea: Don't you Fraze: I ain't Fraze: Can't and won't like Bea: Better not Fraze: Be better if I did Fraze: But nah Bea: fuck off Bea: don't say that to me Fraze: Why, so you can be the only one who says what's best for me? Fraze: Fuck that Bea: No Bea: think what you like, do what you like Bea: but I don't need to hear it Fraze: You can't tell me to do what I like and then tell me what I can and can't say Fraze: It don't work like that Bea: say what you like and all Bea: I don't have to listen Fraze: 'Course not Bea: fuck's sake Fraze: What? Bea: just don't talk to me when I get back okay Fraze: If you want Bea: what's it matter what I want yeah Fraze: Yeah, I've wasted a shit ton of my breath asking what you want 'cause I don't give a fuck Fraze: Don't be stupid Bea: Apparently Bea: 'cos you clearly don't care when I tell you to stop Fraze: Bullshit Bea: no not bullshit Bea: I told you, I don't wanna think about that shit Fraze: You think I want to Bea: I don't know, you brought it up Fraze: If you can't think about it, how are you gonna do it, yeah? Bea: Hilarious Fraze: Nah Bea: who's home right now Fraze: Me Bea: no one else? Fraze: Unless your sister's hiding under the bed how she used to Bea: Possible Bea: but she can stay there if she is Fraze: The dog's here if you really don't want my company, like Bea: I'm just not in the mood to be nice right now Fraze: I wouldn't still be here if that was a requirement Bea: Suppose not Bea: [comes in, puts shopping down and goes kitchen] Fraze: [casually leaning on the doorway lurking in silence, boy that's creepy don't] Bea: [getting a drink, probably alcoholic, deffo makes her jump but is trying style it out silently by being like what?] Fraze: [does the thing where he can reach over her to get one too because taller with longer arms & also rude like bitch she's probably in the middle of pouring that & also you've blatantly been on it since you spoke to Ali so probably don't] Bea: [turns around to look up at him 'cos wants to and close proximity but then has to walk away] Fraze: [follows her slowly like that doesn't count as following and isn't as obvious, okay boy. So just then standing closer than he needs to be] Bea: [turning back like 'what are you doing?'] Fraze: [shrugs which is not an acceptable answer excuse you] Bea: [rolls her eyes like fine then if that's how it is and goes to their room] Fraze: [comes in and makes a big show of looking for his lighter & cigarettes and all that bullshit but nobody believes he doesn't know where it all is] Bea: [just watching him like what the fuck boy, drinking and judging] Fraze: ['Don't look at me like that'] Bea: ['I can look however I want'] Fraze: [Gives her a look because live & die via intense eye contact] Bea: [casual staring contest going down lmao] Fraze: [literally downs his drink without breaking it because not gonna be the one] Bea: [has such a mad little face on] Fraze: [the state of him I dread to think cos what a fucking day, like its only pride keeping him from being a mess rn] Bea: [shakes her head and looks away, finally] Fraze: [goes to smoke because yeah that'll help of course & more importantly because can't handle that the stand off has been broken like that] Bea: did you think he seemed Bea: different Fraze: From what Bea: from before he left for uni Fraze: I don't fucking know Fraze: What kind of question is that Bea: a genuine one Bea: no need to bite my head off Fraze: Do you want me to say he was a junkie in waiting before he left or what, like? Bea: I'm just trying to work out how the fuck it'd be possible for an entire family to miss something that big Fraze: You reckon I ain't asked myself that every which way Fraze: Jesus Bea: I know Bea: someone's got to talk about it Bea: even if it's just us right now Fraze: We outgrew the buddy system, what can I say? Bea: It isn't your fault Bea: I'm not saying that Bea: just Bea: fuck Fraze: You're saying we waved him off as a dead man walking though, yeah? If this is true that's what we all fucking did Bea: stop putting words in my mouth Bea: who hasn't got their issues Bea: doesn't mean you have to foresee this level of trouble 'cos of it Bea: I was just trying to think if he did seem different, because he didn't walk in and we were all jumping ten foot back, like Fraze: Ali said he looked sick Fraze: If the rest of us missed it, that's 'cause we wanted to Bea: Why would we want that? Fraze: Why do we all pretend your sister is a really fussy eater? Fraze: Come on Bea: This is bullshit Fraze: This family sees what it wants to see and fuck the rest Fraze: Always has done Bea: then what's the point Fraze: Getting out Fraze: We've got our way, maybe this is his Bea: every man for himself then, if you ain't gonna look after yourself then sorry, fuck you Bea: I know you don't actually mean that Fraze: It ain't how I want it Fraze: But like I said, it ain't about what I want Bea: Could be Fraze: I can't fucking save him Fraze: I couldn't even save you Bea: Don't Fraze: What so now you don't wanna talk about it Bea: we aren't talking about me or that Fraze: We're talking about me Fraze: She wants me to sort it, how the hell can I? Bea: She knows you can't Bea: she just doesn't want to tell your parents either Bea: it makes it real Bea: this way she gets to say she did something but all it is is delegation because no, no one can 'save' him Bea: everyone knows how this works Fraze: Then what's the point Bea: to say you tried Bea: to show you give a shit Fraze: If I can't do fuck all for him he might as well not be my brother Fraze: Just any smackhead you walk past on the street like Bea: caring is something Bea: just 'cos you can't make him clean up if he don't want to doesn't mean you're useless Bea: just feel it Fraze: Is it making any difference to you, how much I feel? Fraze: You're still gonna leave and you don't want me to care about it Bea: I care too Bea: but I have to go, there's no alternatives Fraze: Fuck this Fraze: When Tommy jumped first, he had the right idea Bea: you don't have to stay here Fraze: You know that's bullshit as much as I do Bea: I mean this house Bea: get a flat share Bea: whatever Fraze: And that'll solve everything, yeah? Bea: Jesus Bea: what the fuck is this attitude Bea: just try, Fraze Fraze: Don't you dare Bea: why not Bea: it's fucking true Fraze: Bullshit Fraze: Who the actual fuck do you think you're talking to Bea: I don't even know Fraze: Fuck you Bea: yeah yeah Fraze: If you take another swing at me like that you better hope I'm drunker than I am, babe Bea: What are you gonna do Bea: nothing Fraze: What are you gonna do? Kicking someone when they're down only works if they're on the ground Bea: I'm going to drink some more Bea: that's what I'm gonna do Fraze: You and me both Fraze: So cheers Bea: great, have fun Fraze: Bring me my fucking glass Bea: excuse you Fraze: You want me to try, that's worth one Bea: you know what, if it'll shut you up then why not Bea: [brings it and slams it down dramatically] Fraze: [is 😏 & does a dramatic cheers] Bea: ['fuck you'] Fraze: ['I love you'] Bea: [turns back and stops, 'cos obvs walking off again, casually launching self at him for such an intense kiss] Fraze: [obvs kisses her back as intensely if not more so like that glass better watch itself & everything else in proximity because no attention being paid to anything else] Bea: [holding him so tight and pushing herself as close as she can and the closer still 'cos this is fucked but what else can they do] Fraze: [good job they actually are the only ones home] Bea: ['I'm sorry'] Fraze: ['Don't' literally gonna have bruises from how tightly they are holding onto each other here, oh you two and I also like to imagine that glass is shattered RIP cos what a mood and how dramatic] Bea: [be careful lads] Fraze: [says ILY again because the first time was a bit rude tbh] Bea: ['don't forget'] Fraze: [looks at her like you either & then does his best to make sure she won't cos that bitch forever] Bea: ['I already miss you'] Fraze: ['I know'] Bea: [staring at him again but in a saucy way now 'is that better?'] Fraze: [staring back because always & more kisses because obvious yes] Bea: [her turn to be 😏] Fraze: [have a bemused smile back babe because] Bea: ['don't stop' purposely leaving that ambiguous like] Fraze: ['I won't' it doesn't even matter what she means because he means that regardless & we all know it] Bea: [intense af makeout like are we still outside ok lads] Fraze: [picks her up because they are still outside but they got a bed not far away & they can kiss the whole way cos he can muscle memory where he's going basically this ain't their first rodeo lbr] Bea: [what a rollercoaster Fraze: [as is their standard, god bless I've missed you two you dramatic assholes. I hope you haven't left an entire trail of destruction as you intensely make out] Bea: [or do lbr like mcvickers ain't gonna know the half of the drama that's actually rn so] Fraze: [it's a mood so go off actually lads] Bea: [when all your other kids have fucked off like literally where is ro lmao] Fraze: [actually stressed about that broken glass outside rn excuse me] Bea: [doubt its the first time they've broken things being saucy/dramatic] Fraze: [god bless]

[firespirited]

I gave the heads up to mum that I'd brought up the touchy subject of missing memories with sis and how I hadn't wanted to catalogue any of it, other than taking note that she's in pain (wondering if i made it worse) and maybe that subject is something that i need to work on (cue deep dives and extensive personal re-examination) because she's a grown woman who's asked for independence in all things medical and got *herself* a therapist. I contribute when she has clues for me ("1st day of period or minipill withdrawal = very dark time" led to pmdd or pme. Two years ago I realised that her insomnia meant she was constantly stopping and starting a medicine cold turkey when it's one that requires slow uppage/downage - we've had to taper down over 18 months to get to a half dose) so there is a certain amount of collab work as she knows me well too and can better remember how long I've had this stupid earache for example. I was able to say that I do not want to be backed up if sis needs mum on her side, I don't care about being right and can cope with being hurt as it's an expression of anguish what matters is that we help her pinpoint whatever's causing this so she can choose how to proceed. I might need help with dates and times though as my memory is swiss cheese. Ultimately i'd rather drop it entirely if it's a sticking point, it doesn't happen often anyway... so she can focus on other symptoms of hormonal inbalance.

Finding the balance is hard but getting better between wanting to protect my (not so little anymore) sister from everything and respect her autonomy... I trust her and asked if she wanted to know first and that any notes taken would be available because it's a diagnostic tool nothing more.

Mum's like "yes she's in pain and that's the sole issue so i try to ignore anything that seemed out of character as just meaningless self defense 'make it stop' words." (man alive, I wish i could attain that level of chill) and she goes "Oh and i have plenty of recorded timestamped moments as she has those paranoid arguments with me on WhatsApp." 👀 hokay. Of Note: i mentioned to mum that sept to nov 2021 i vague posted a lot and apparently that when sis was off the pill.

So yeah i got myself all worked up for both conversations and both went fine. We won't mention so much as mood swings unless it aligns with the dates and sis *wants* to mention it.

And after my benzo/ssri withdrawal after surgery where I became utterly convinced mum hated me and basically got a taxi driver to sneak me out of hospital and lately my very rude troglodyte grunts to 'get out, get lost' when I get sleep deprived, they've promised to always keep me fully accountable too.

Today's dr visit is going to be interesting, the ultrasound dude last week refused to scan sis' lipedema which insults both the endocrinologist and our doctor who prescribed it together. The tech hinted there's some sort of drama going on between the local xray, ultrasound clinic techs and the local doctors. Our dr is tuned in to all the feuds, she'll tell you to remove prof Ys papers from your file before showing it to prof X because he has beef with prof Y (usually some old funding or tenure grudge)

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: okay I need Ali: like fucking Ali: total seriousness from you right now Ali: can you handle that Tommy: whoa Tommy: alright yeah Tommy: unless you're preggo I ain't keeping that to myself for the next 9 like Ali: god no Ali: i know you're gay as hell so the birds and the bees don't worry you none but if anything you should KNOW that means I'm good right now Ali: but this is going to sound like as much of a joke Ali: but it ain't, yeah? Tommy: what you and your girlfriend do or who ain't none of my business but obviously we ain't here for that, are we? Tommy: I'm sitting down, go for it Ali: sure, sure, I'll make you go red later Ali: preferably when I can see/laugh but no, it ain't so Ali: fuck Ali: so this is weird like Ali: beyond Ali: you know Joe finally made an apperance here yeah Tommy: you're scaring me, Kat Tommy: unless he came out I don't reckon I'm ready to hear this Ali: I can't say if that's unwarranted or not, like Ali: soz Ali: basically, he came to me for a drugs hookup Ali: like, that's what the fuck weird enough but you know Ali: do you Ali: so I sent him to Drew, you know, Meena's brother? Ali: he deals now Ali: and then he hit me back up and shit Ali: you gotta tell me if this is some kinda sick joke but the boy sounded deadly serious, like HE was scared Ali: he said Joe asked for heroin, Tommo Tommy: nah nah he's gotta have it twisted Tommy: like he's pretty so he don't have to be the smartest, yeah Tommy: it'll be like a bad brain day so he needed to go harder than his prescription maybe but Tommy: not that fucking hard Ali: I wanna think that but Ali: he looked sick, Joe Ali: and idk how they could've had that miscommunication like smack is smack it's not like, nah I want this type of pill not that Tommy: probably got his slang fucked up Tommy: he's like an old man you know Tommy: sometimes Ali: he ain't that green Ali: fucking hell, even Ro could list a few names for it Ali: I literally do not know what to do Ali: because as soon as he came back, basically Ali: he's gone Ali: said his uni friend was in a car crash or some bullshit Ali: maybe it ain't but the timing reeks of it Tommy: fuck Tommy: this is so bad Tommy: did they see him, ma or da? Ali: nope, mum was taking rocky to the park or some shit whilst dad did the shop so they're all due back any time and I've gotta pass on the message Ali: minus the drugs, presumably Ali: what the fuck Tommy: don't say shit to them Tommy: she'll fucking Tommy: alright, where are Bea & Fraze like right now? Ali: idk Ali: not here, he waited long as he could to sneak out like he was never here Ali: should I tell them Ali: I swear to God I ain't got no wires crossed Ali: I've got all the messages from Drew, it's black and white so unless he's a real mentalist and just taking the piss Tommy: you deffo ain't that green & jesus all signs really are pointing to proper smackhead Tommy: Meena's brother's loads of things but I don't reckon he'd go this hard just to get your attention Tommy: no shade honey Ali: my thoughts exactly Ali: unless he's one of those people who's ultimate fantasy is to be murdered and I'm the master criminal for the job Ali: it just isn't something you lie about, unless you're totally cracked in the head yourself Tommy: we can kink shame him later like Tommy: but you gotta hit up the IT couple with this Tommy: I can try & talk to Joe but a screen's easy to ignore if you ain't shooting up heroin so I dunno reckon my luck's out Ali: I don't even know what the hell he's gonna say Ali: but I can't just Ali: sweep that one under the rug, can I Ali: Joe was like, gone, and not in a this is a bad brain day way like a Ali: I don't know Ali: let's say there was no putting the kettle on and convincing him to stay 'til the 'rents were back, like Tommy: we can't just Tommy: I'm here for this Tommy: and you can say like a skaghead Tommy: might have to Ali: fuck Ali: how Ali: why Tommy: I dunno Tommy: who's he with Tommy: what's he do Tommy: who the fuck is he Tommy: what's he playing at Ali: all valid questions but who knows Ali: none of us Ali: it was so easy to say like, 'don't blame him' when he didn't come home ever but Ali: it's weird, we're taking like any possible excuse not to be here Tommy *~ Yeah Tommy: do you want me to come back? Ali: no Ali: you should stay there Ali: if there's an intervention I'll buy you a ticket Ali: god knows you can't be missing out on that drama Ali: but realistically Ali: you know this family, what's getting done Tommy: cheers Tommy: but you ain't told Fraze yet, you know he's done crazier than get on a plane to start shit Ali: true Ali: Jesus Tommy: if throw us & the lovebirds in a group chat that's the best it can go Tommy: she'll calm him down Ali: I truly hate this family Tommy: you & me both, Kit Tommy: Drew isn't gonna say shit is he? Ali: I don't think he would Ali: like what's he got to gain from that Tommy: like don't tell your girlfriend I said so but use your feminine wiles if you have to, yeah? Tommy: if ma finds out about this it's gonna properly wreck her Ali: that's why I'm kinda glad he left 'cos it was fucking obvious Ali: but still, what are we gonna do Ali: lock him in a cupboard legit, let him out when he's ready to behave Tommy: she lost it enough over you all summer no way she can handle this Ali: are you saying I should've done smack Ali: got my moneys worth like Tommy: I'm not not saying it Tommy: fucking hell Ali: ah a summer of regrets Ali: seriously Ali: I wanna puke Tommy: you had the best time Tommy: but summer's well and truly over now Tommy: should we pray to sexy Jesus or what Ali: yeah, put down the needle, Joe Ali: it can't hurt, we're in theory catholics so Ali: say sorry and he'll do anything for us Tommy: so out of my depth with this Tommy: this school is well straight edge and there's no religious imagery anywhere Ali: 'cos real rockstars don't go stage school, babe 💔 Ali: maybe he was just gonna smoke it? ehhh Ali: literally the best consolation I've got for any of 'em right now Tommy: I don't wanna be a rockstar honey, that's you Tommy: maybe it was for a 'friend' lol Ali: don't Ali: if he asked drew for a condom too we'd have to dash to the airport like it's love actually Tommy: I wouldn't make that boy use protection but enough about me Ali: THOMAS Ali: behave Ali: this is so serious Tommy: I'm sorry but I'm not used to the kind of gay panic where I'm a gay just panicking like Ali: if you could send me a video of you flapping your limp wrists about, so I know it's real, tah Tommy: least I can do Tommy: I'm really fucking scared, you know Tommy: like, it's Joe Ali: me too Ali: I'm not trying to be a hypocrite but it's fucking heroin Ali: like how are we at defcon1 Tommy: he's not gonna die, yeah? That's only a just say no tactic, right? Tommy: like its not cut with rat poison anymore or Tommy: whatever the fuck Ali: I mean Ali: it's a risk with all drugs but like Ali: you kill off too many punters you get a rep so let's hope his shit is clean-ish Ali: and he knows how to dose Ali: though how the fuck this is even a conversation we're having about JOE Ali: just Tommy: that's a point what did Goldilocks give him 'cause I know he ain't stocking that Tommy: ma would've kneecapped him if he was dealing that hard Tommy: shit Tommy: I dunno Tommy: how is this our real life Ali: he said, Drew, this is, that he just gave him benzos Ali: but it sounded like he got like 50 which he surely did not go through before he left Ali: so he's either got on a fucking plane with 'em or he's left an emergency stash here Ali: do I check his room like that paranoid mother or Tommy: 50 like 5 0 Tommy: Christ almighty Tommy: yeah you should before you tell Fraze Ali: like that's a months worth Ali: idk why he'd get that many just to see him through, even if Drew was being a dick and seeing how much money he could get Ali: probably wiped out his supply of, like Ali: I will Ali: watch me get the blame for them, hope he's written his name on like it's houmous in the fridge or something Tommy: this is so fucked Tommy: how big is his bastard habit Tommy: like I can't Ali: you don't think Ali: oh God oh God Ali: is he online rn hold on Tommy: you think he's Tommy: shit Ali: I'll phone him fuck this Ali: and I'm telling Fraze like, right fucking now Tommy: you have to Tommy: if it's Tommy: we're out of time Ali: okay shit, I'll stay on here to you so you ain't left in the dark but I am also on it Tommy: yeah alright Ali: [a while but not forever] Ali: made him facetime me and he was at the airport, like he said Ali: basically, there's a 'fuck school is nearly here' party so he got that many for it and he reckons 'cos he's got a prescription for 'em, he just filled up his empty box and no one's gonna know, he'd gone through so like Ali: he had got away with that Ali: he seemed more with it, genuine Ali: I dunno Ali: I wasn't getting 'phone the ambulance now' vibes from him, it was reassuring, I wouldn't bullshit you on that Ali: not when it could be so bad Tommy: fucking prick Tommy: I thought like Tommy: thank god Ali: I know Ali: he was having a fucking coffee like Ali: I don't reckon you'd go spend your last in a fucking airport, even if you were done with life Tommy: bleak wouldn't be the word Tommy: next time I see him he's dead though Ali: seriously Ali: there's still the heroin issue but Ali: at least he's not actively killing himself like right this second Tommy: are we 100% that Drew's not just a really really shitty dealer Tommy: like did he say heroin Tommy: I'm grasping at straws and I fully hear myself but Ali: sadly I don't think he's hearing the H bomb just to say he ain't got any Ali: if he had a load to shift, I'd buy it Ali: but Ali: not buy it buy it Ali: this isn't a convoluted cry for help Tommy: don't make me laugh right now Ali: soz Ali: I can't help being such a natural comedic talent Tommy: yeah yeah genius we know babe Ali: gotta milk it whilst I'm still a kid Ali: the shine really gonna dull when I hit 16 Tommy: I'm sure your girlfriend is living for your prodigy status Tommy: I'm beating the boys off (yeah also a euphemism bye) & its only hard work Ali: good for your art, I'm sure Tommy: good for me Tommy: sod my art Ali: sorry Ali: I'll be happy for you when I'm coming down from my heart attack Ali: I am Tommy: me too Tommy: no worries Tommy: we can celebrate me being a hoe any other time Ali: we will 💚 Ali: thanks for not letting me/Joe die alone though Tommy: come down one weekend with your love interest Tommy: I promise to make it super but not intimidatingly gay Tommy: kinda my thing Ali: 'sounds good man Ali: maybe Halloween, bet you do some mad gay shit Tommy: 'course Tommy: Ali, you know I love you, yeah? Tommy: like being dramatic is also my thing but I mean Ali: 'course I do Ali: I can put you down as having me as favourite too, yeah? Ali: say it back if so Tommy: obviously Tommy: Rock's cool but he can't hang like you so Ali: get in Ali: 'til his bed time is past 8pm he can suck it Ali: love you too Tom-tom Tommy: I'd love to go to bed at 8 sometimes Tommy: this school is fucking knackering Ali: I bet Ali: worth it though Ali: yeah Tommy: maybe Tommy: probably Ali: more worth it than here would be Ali: definitely Tommy: full of more fit lads definitely Tommy: at least that are out Ali: god bless Ali: can't all be turning straights Tommy: so last century Tommy: trust you to find one in the first place Tommy: everyone's got more labels than the wardrobe dept usually Ali: 😏 Ali: your bubble is gonna burst so hard man Ali: enjoy it whilst it lasts Ali: seriously Tommy: I'll blow another one it's alright Tommy: that and my own horn of course Tommy: soon as I'm out of here Ali: it's a party 🎊🎈🎆 Tommy: any and everywhere we tread honey Tommy: and you know the drill, whoever's asking I'm dancing like Ali: 👍 Ali: let you get on with all your beating now Ali: keep you in the loop vis a vis whatever the fuck is happening with this Joe thing but Ali: twiddling my thumbs 'til then so Tommy: cheers 🐱 Tommy: laters yous 💛 Ali: 💚