#i don't know if i'm going to get any substantial vacation this month

[asterdeer]

was supposed to have an extra day off sort of tomorrow because of bathroom renovations going on at work (it would have been wfh but that would still have been another day not doing the same task for 8 hours) but the reno got pushed back to next week and now i don't have a cushion day between being the only person in office at work and "mother's friend(s) and many children showing up for a cookout" day. i think my brain is going to liquefy if i don't get to take at least a few days off soon

[rabbitindisguise]

I keep getting really introspective about disability and internalized ableism and how some people claimed that I'd want cure narrative representation/medical model of disability If I Just Understood what it was like to have things like CFS and autoimmune conditions (since I've recovered a bit from my recent problem and relaxed the answer has been No, Absolutely Not to all of these things)

and like I think folks are kidding themselves a little bit. Not about their own feelings, but lots of the things people were claiming were immutable facts about living these sorts of symptoms (and therefore a sort of symptom itself) and experiences were defeated with therapy exercises I've been using for years. So they were wrong about what I would feel because I ultimately don't, even though I "should" since I'm having the problems. It's true that I cried a bit and made some dumb decisions and now it's just as normal as before I knew I had the problem. I'm having a hard time regulating my emotions because I don't have the energy to maintain that kind of composure, so I started being really careful about my daily activities. I know it's easy for me to get short with people, so I'm going to be faster to apologize and avoid touchy subjects for myself. I'm getting repeatedly traumatized and dismissed and undertreated by doctors, so I'm skipping past all medical stuff on my tumblr feed before bed. It hasn't prevented the bad feelings but merely knowing what's happening allows me to use my coping skills, and lets me realize that this isn't my life it's just a current problem I have to deal with.

According to the things people have said before this started happening, I'm supposed to hate my body, to mistrust doctors inherently, to loathe the medical system, and to believe the world is out to get me specifically as a consequence of experiencing these symptoms. I'm supposed to find people embracing disabilities as part of their identity and wanting to see it represented in fiction insensitive to my own experience. And most of all I'm supposed to be angry and bitter and never stop talking about how angry and bitter I am, no matter if other people are uncomfortable by it, and believe people who are uncomfortable by it are the problem.

If I don't, despite all these symptoms and malnutrition and my body having an extended four month long flu vacation, I don't think I ever will. I know my body could get worse and I could get even worse emotionally, but fundamentally there's a phenomenon of people who refuse to accept mental health care because it means that if it helps then it doesn't mean they're actually disabled (despite all the tests and imaging to the contrary).

I also have a huge motivation to maintain my mental health despite all the Physical Problems because psychological symptoms make physical symptoms worse. The stress of having PTSD in a body that is scrambling to do things properly to begin with is a Lot. If I didn't already have a strong motivation to do therapy (to improve my relationships with other people, to achieve my personal goals for being the person I want to be in life), now I have the additional reason that improving mental health improves health outcomes substantially. I'm not sure if the people who have told me these things believe that's science at all, or have even heard of it, because of the ideas that depression is always a misdiagnosis/a diagnosis made in ableism in someone with a physical disability (false). And beyond that it doesn't even matter for me because frankly I've been bipolar and autistic for a long time so the boat has sailed. Maybe that's the schism? By avoiding mental health care seriously they don't have to find out if they were just mentally ill, which their doctors mistakenly assert is a possibility all the time (NO fucked up liver enzymes do not just ~happen~ and any doctor that thinks that is a quack, much like mental health symptoms don't just ~happen~ for three months or more). Any improvement alongside their mental health improvement could be an attack on the sense of self established in the idea that "I have a physical disability, I'm a physically disabled person, anyone who says otherwise is wrong" which reminds me of how I tried so hard to not be like my parents I just ended up acting more and more denial of anything that could be similar to them.

And all this has reminded me of how adults are like "you'll understand when you're older!" but with ableism I guess?? I think there is no practical difference other than that the mental illness and neurodivergence community I had more access to intracommunal mental health supports. In medical condition support groups I've been in they've been actively toxic to my mental health- and even now I sort of group myself as Other from the problems (autoimmune issues) they also assumed I couldn't have (like doctors) because "I'd know what they felt like" if I shared the condition. I'm mentally ill first because anyplace that is inhospitable to the idea that mental welfare is important is inherently inhospitable to me because it goes against my goals for the environments I'll tolerate being in. It sucks that medical illness communities are as toxic as medical doctors, but I guess monkey see monkey do- no good examples to follow, no way to maintain good support skills. Therapists can be bad at stuff in unique ways but self dx is a godsend and therapists being pro self dx is a big reason why I think people are figuring out more about themselves in an autonomous and healthy way (even if the answer is "I'm neurotypical actually" which does happen). I need to start self dxing physical illnesses to get proper assessments that might be productive before I get seriously hurt by doctors not investigating abnormal lab results.

[glowwormcave]

k vent time

i've been so fucking sad recently. like.

we, the system, had a short period for like a week where we genuinely could not feel hunger or thirst and a bout of like chronic fatigue or something idek. this started before the announcement of techno's passing and it's just. it was like the calm before the storm honestly. that was the calm. ida was fronting at the time and chalked it up to like. romance or something idk she's weird (/lh) but it carried over to me.

ida left front the moment that technoblade video got uploaded. like at first we were all really excited and saw the video title and just assumed that he would be leaving content creation. shit, we weren't even aware that it was his dad because like. so excited we weren't even seeing clearly. and then i saw i was like. that's not technoblade. that is not technoblade. that isn't him. and that's when it hit me. i'm switching between we/us and i/me because like we were sort of blurred around that time and thoughts were going wild. but it wasn't technoblade. and i just. like. my heart sunk.

i'd had suspicions for a while that something wasn't right. he had gone too long without an update and his likes on twitter hadn't been updated in a substantial amount of time, he hadn't replied to anyone, and he isn't usually that inactive on twitter. but i left it alone, because i was like, that's kind of parasocial he's probably busy like having cancer or something (which he was) and getting all that removed. like maybe the tumor had grown again and he was getting his fuckin arm amputated or whatever like that was catastrophic but it was like, logical to me? technoblade dying isn't a logical outcome of any scenario so it kind of barely crossed my mind. and then he like. starting unprivating all his videos and i was like... now what's going on there. that one-off upload from like 2015 also... that was suspicious to me. but i kept the hopes. i was sure he'd be fine.

and then. the news. and i was set to go on vacation the next day. the next morning i had lessons for horseback riding or whatever not that crazy i do it all the time but like. i guess it was the combination of the dehydration and the starvation and the heat and the incredible dissociation but i couldn't do it. i quite nearly passed out cold onto the arena sand. i had to sit that session out because i couldn't lift the saddle without needing to take a break.

but after that it was a 12 hour drive, and i couldn't focus on anything but our health. cue an entire weekend of running around denver hanging around family and i was literally unable to process anything. it just simply wasn't real to me. technoblade can't die. technoblade never dies. it is strange and illogical to suggest such. it's simply not congruent with the laws of the universe. there is like, a law of physics broken. right next to every action has an equal and opposite reaction, it is that technoblade is alive.

i got home a few days ago. it's. i'm not quite sure what to do with myself. i think i've gotten myself so stuck in front that i can barely hear anyone, or nobody is talking to me. i was going to write soem sot ov let. sorry it's taking me literally minutes to get this sentence out i'm so distracted and literally struggling to just stay grounded in reality like. i've just been sitting here staringand ica n barely move my fingers. i was going to have someone write a letter becuase i wcouldnt. but nobody else could eiter. aybe ill writeone a month after the video was relelased. and. schedule it. but im . i just. i guess i'm still hoping this was. all a prank. or a lie. i don't know how to live in a world that does not have technoblade. it does not make sense.it's upside down. it's weird. and foreign. just.

i'm finally getting time to rpocess and to grieve. and i'm still so, so confused. i don't udnerstadn. i can't focus on anythign. i dont understna.d and i can't hear anyone. and i feel so al;one. but i'm not alone. but it seems like everyone has moved on and nobody is talking much about it anymore but i'm still not done. im still not finished . technoblade made me who i am today he accidentally inserted himself into my vocabulary he structured my sentences and influenced my accent. my way of thinking, my way of speaking, my way of playing the game i grew up with has been partially made by him. it's like a piece of me has just died.

dont' stop posting abou him. please. don't stop talking about your grief. please don't. some of us just aren't done yet and we need to stick together bc i don't know how i wil get through this. i know i will. but i don't know how. and i don't want to brute force it alone. and i don't want to be alone. i don't get it. i'm going to cry again. i've been watching so many of his videos and he's right there. he never left. but he's gone. and i still have so many questions that will never, ever get answered. so, so many questions.

i keep coming back to the thought. what if he knew? i'm watching old, old vidoes, from wheni started watching him. 2017, 2018. i keep going back. what if he knew he was going to die in 5 years? would he have done anything differently? what if i knew? would i have appreciated and watched him more? what if i could go back in time and warn him or something? i dnt know. idk.

i miss technoblade. im crying now . i guess it will start to hurt again in 6 months when i realize he's never coming back. but until then. i guess i'll just cry at 2:30 in the morning some nights. like i am right now.

i'm hungry. i keep telling myself. that i am doing it in his memory. that i'm carrying on. that i keep. going. for him. even though i was just some random fuckin person on the internet that he probably never even saw. but i've been part of that 10 million since it was only just crawling into 6 digits and i'll never ever forget the impact he had on me.

i'm gonna go eat. and drink water. hearing skeppy saying that when dream delivered the news all the pain went away is just . so funny. because when techno's dad delivered the news i don't think i've ever been in more agony. emotionally at least. i don't know. the world was still. the world was silent at that moment. for a moment earth stopped spinning. and then my dad yelled at me and i realized that life would never stop for anyone or anything.