#i don't know if i can repay the level of kindness i have been shown. am i worth this effort? i don't know. but i am grateful.

[shalom-iamcominghome]

I got a (kind) rejection email from the rabbi I contacted but it really cements something I adore about the jewish community

Even though it wasn't meant to be that I'd work with that rabbi, he still said he thought it was so special that I'm attending shul and going through with the class, that he hopes I continue doing it. There's so much kindness that I've been met with and it's nice because I feel like I'm at a vulnerable point. It's nice to know how I've been as fully included in everything as possible.

The jewish community is a special place to be. I feel home.

[alterchaos]

Hi everyone. I wanted to give a proper update after a few days away from everything now that my head and emotions are clearer.

First off, thank you for the well wishes. I wanted to let all of you know that I am doing much better now than I was at the time of my last post. I was scared at the time to be straightforward about what was happening, mostly because I was still processing everything in the moment, but also because I didn't want word getting out to certain people in my physical life. Thankfully nobody I'm worried about has or even knows about Tumblr. There's still a little risk, of course, but I'm done running from the truth. I want to have the courage to be honest and upfront for once. I know now that I deserve that level of acknowledgement and self-respect.

So here goes: I am currently working to escape an abusive relationship I've been trapped in for many years since my early childhood. I was afraid of what I could say or do before because of the threats and direct sabotage every time I made a plan to break free. It was nearly impossible because I didn’t have anyone to help. Whenever I reached out, there my abuser was, defaming and spreading lies about me until they all turned their backs: teachers, CPS, police, everyone. I’ve been stuck in the same town, the same house, since I was a little girl with no way of escaping, even forced to remain trapped as I became an adult through thrown away scholarships and financial blackmail.

That changed though when I made a close circle of friends in my college years. At first, I was too terrified to reach out but after all this time and my continued failures, I finally hit my breaking point. I finally grew sick of the screaming, the door slamming, the threats, the gaslighting, the name-calling, and the manipulating. I swallowed my terror and asked for help. The kindness my friends and their families have shown me is something I can never repay even though they’d never ask me to. Thanks to them, I’ve found a way out without fear of homelessness. They connected me with financially stable job opportunities in my field as well as affordable housing in the area, and they are even helping with the process of moving and transitioning in the coming month or so. I’m very excited. I’ve already had a really awesome company express that they want to hire me and we’re meeting soon to discuss which role I would best serve them in.

I’m not entirely out of the woods yet, but I am finding ways to minimize contact with my abusers until I can cut ties despite still having to live with them for a short while longer. They don’t know about my Tumblr nor do they have Discord and I plan to keep it that way.

In all this time, Alter Chaos has been my form of escape from what I have to face almost daily. Most of the time, it’s helped me feel empowered and given me strength. Other times though, it’s been misused as a way to numb myself to the abuse and accept my circumstances. Personally, I’m not entirely sure what I want. I’ve never been given the luxury of being able to choose for myself without a fight or some kind of loss. The only thing I know is that I don’t want my art to perpetuate a toxic cycle or, heaven forbid, spread toxicity across the internet. I know this is a self-insert story, but I’m trying to remain cognizant of how I use my oc to reach out to and inspire others while remaining faithful to who I am. I’m not perfect, but the last thing I want is for this to be some narcissistic ego-trip fantasy. I want to be a better, healthier person than how I was raised to be. My greatest fear is looking in the mirror one day and seeing the same kind of abuser staring back. I don't know what I'd do if I ever hurt someone in that way.

With that in mind, I feel like it would be best for me to take my time for a bit. I’m still writing, don’t get me wrong, but I want to make sure I’m proud of what I write, especially as I do the work to untangle the years of conditioning and manipulation I went through. I don’t feel as if I really have the right to be writing a story about overcoming issues such as trauma and abuse if I keep remaining stuck in my own life. Seems a bit performative and hypocritical to me. At the same time though, I don’t want to punish myself for the things I went through as a child. That shouldn’t be what this is about either. I’m honestly just not really sure what it should be about, or if it should even be about anything, and I'm a bit tired of forcing myself to try and have all the answers.

I think the next step is to just have fun for a change, maybe post some random wips and memes and doodles while I write and polish chapters on my own time. I’m currently working hard on the Seven Rings Saga and, when I post it, I know it’s going to be work I can be proud of because it won’t just be a form of escape. It won't be some food for the me that was created and conditioned out of fear either. It will be art that I polished and created with love and a clear mind. I even found a coffee shop and some diners where I can go out and write in peace and quiet, which should help make the process more enjoyable overall. I’m really looking forward to my new routine!

Thank you everyone for your continued support, and I’m so sorry if I’ve let the toxicity in my life seep into my storytelling and relationships with all of you. I’m going to do better for everyone, including myself. That way, this series can be a fun and enjoyable experience that promotes a healthy mindset like I always wanted it to be.

See you soon with whatever random art or wip nonsense I decide to post next /lh. Take care everyone! ♡

[kuu-stuff]

20 October 2024

Got a bad case of art block again... I guess that I start to stress about my comic being good enough again. I delayed this week's part and now only drew like a page per day, what's kind of bad... I feel kind of bad in general, for some reason. Since last week I've been quite depressed and can't focus on anything. And I sleep like 3h per night then another 2 or 3 later in the morning. I don't have energy for anything and it's building up my anxiety. The weather is a little weird too, it's cold at night outside so we don't have the ac on but during the day it's still way too hot but going between cold and hot like that makes me sick. This country is really cursed ah ! ✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰✰ Since I'm been feeling down it was the perfect time to think about "This time I can share it with you", because it's a depressing story. Yeah you don't know it yet but I poured all my life-saved desperation into it. I'm looking forward to work on it too, it feels like an itch to wait another 2 weeks to do it. I'm still thinking about whatever make it extra sad or have them being cute and happy sometimes. I think both of those idiots are a little bit destroyed beyond repair so it would be more logical for it to go badly on every levels. But I also want to find a believable way to make Silas feel a little better at least. He really cornered himself there... I get it why the author let him die at the end of Da Vinci Code. Anything else would be worse. I mean, the guy had nothing his whole life, was nothing and has no purpose at all. He literally saw himself as a ghost most of his life and then when in prison he was waiting for nothing else but to die. And after being saved by the bishop he seems to not even being super buddy buddy with him, he was mostly admirative of him and wanted to repay him for giving him a life. And he really thought he could do it in the book, thus why he's so smug and all, he really believes he's doing something good, good in the sense that it will bring something good for the bishop and the Opus Dei, he does know that he will have to repent for it for the rest of his life. All he wanted is to be someone. To have a purpose. And to prouve to the bishop that he was right to believe in him. So when it turned out to be a ruse and fell for it so easily, going against everything he believes in as a monk, the bishop learning way too late that he made him kill 5 people, it broke the only image he made of himself since he was a child. It was his only chance at being something. Because even as a monk he was just a monk. With no real goal or future but praying for forgiveness and hoping to someday repay Aringarosa. And at the end all he did was to disappoint him and bring him misfortune. Fucked up. Brown is so cruel lol. His personality is hard for me to get right because his sides of him mix in a way that is hard to understand how he'd behave in situations. Sometimes he's super cruel, sometimes he seems to not care much, sometimes he cares too much and sometimes he helps people and worry for them and seems generally kind. It really depend on the people and the situation. I mean, I get that but I don't know in what category place Sasha. And there is a wide range of emotion he's shown having in the book. And since he's been alone most of his life he might not be able to connect to people at all. So I'm still analyzing him lol. But I love my boy and I'll find a way. Also since I made Sasha even more fucked up in every aspects I'm myself fucked up in, it makes me indulge into very bad thinking working on it and sometimes it goes a bit far and I make myself depressed lol. Poor lady. Silas only being a random dude to her, only makes me wonder how I possibly could make her happier too. And Silas is not the kind of person who could comfort her at all. Ah lala... That story is not going into a great direction is it ?

[terrence-silver]

Do you think there is a single thing Terry is insecure about or doesn’t like about himself, aside from his formerly skinny body?

I don't think he likes a lot of things, actually.

And he's insecure about even more.

Naturally, one would often never be able to tell because he's so cocksure, arrogant and confident (none of which is feigned, but insecurity and security can exist side by side and play into each other, two sides of the same coin); Terry is the picture of charm, nonchalance and social grace when he wishes to be --- a talented well rehearsed throughout the long decades of his life --- but I think Terry is also unsure about everything ranging from his time as Twig in Vietnam, the lack of control he felt he's had during a great many crucial moments in his life, his barrage of mental illnesses, treated and untreated, the fact that he was in the army as a whole and has witnessed some things literally nobody or very few people could ever empathize with, as we see in his later years, maybe even the simple truth that he understands that he will never just be a normal, commonplace, ordinary guy no matter how hard he may try, especially something that would bother him in his post-therapy years when he sought neuter himself and be...just some dude. Which failed. He never could be just some dude. Terry always was and remained The Other, though --- the other where his sexuality is concerned, his gender, his very identity and how he expresses it, his worldviews, his relationships with strength, weakness and manhood, his philosophy, his interests, his intensity, his passions, experiences, the events he's been through, his everything. Terry Silver never was like everyday people, because his own extreme circumstances and very nature ensured he wouldn't be able to be, a fact that daunts and gives people the instinctual heebie-jeebies to such an extent that he felt he had to shrink and hide himself in ways to nagivate the world more seamlessly, shedding his skin time and time again, becoming a master at it, leading to an insecurity and a tactical ability all at once. He revels in it, but he is also somewhat vulnerable in a sense, because so few people know him. The real, actual him, for all his virtues, faults and flaws. In fact, it is safe to say nobody but John fully does. Maybe his staff in the 80's.

Then there is friendships, human connections and love.

Terry might feel he has to go above and beyond to repay people for every kindness shown to him because I think he's just never been shown too much kindness in general, so when it happens, he has an innate need to practically bribe off people for it to impress them and keep them around to give him more of that kindness, be it via buying them a dojo, sending them to Tahiti on an all-expenses-paid vacation, taking vendettas to extremes, paying them double and triple for teaching at his Karate school, showing up to pick them up at the airport in a extravagant limousine, lavish them with gifts and fancy drinks and dinners and fifty year old Whiskies from his private collections and utilize a Pavlovian method of rewards to garner devotion and hoo --- Terry feels he has to buy people, because nothing is for free, and basic companionship is something to be paid for, one way or another, and if Terry simply pays for it fiscally by choice, instead in some arbitrary way he cannot predict or understand in the long run, he is steering dangerously close to losing control and entering the unknown --- something someone who has to have the upper hand and has an innate fear of compromising himself would wish to avoid at all costs. So, money it is. He is a sleek businessman. He operates under a businessman's transactional mindset on a territory he knows. Unfortunately, this leads to him keeping the surface-level, vapid company of the types of Cheyenne Hamidi who literally don't know anything about him (nor did he seemed to wish to open up) and are clearly and obviously acting as a paid for companion here to have their business kickstarted by him (which she even says proudly, with a smile), leading to Terry having no valid and honest support system....which yes, leads to an insecurity. Because, even though he has everything in the world, true friendships are so hard, and love is nonexistent and everything always cost Terry so much. Literally. His own philosophy backfiring.

In the end, happiness is often out of reach for Terry; actual happiness.

One that is for free.

While what he views as 'less worthy' people get it with next to no effort.

Terry Silver moved mountains and received nothing in return.

Only a life saved in Vietnam nobody seemed to want afterwards.

And yes, he's insecure about it.

[bearpillowmonster]

Horizon Zero Dawn Review

The game that critics have been raving about for years and I just haven't played. I heard a lot of people say "this needs a movie" but they say that about any game that dares to be a little bit cinematic because I personally disagree.

That first part is rough, the story seems so in your face, predictable and bland but I think the problem is that it didn't know how to put in its exposition. I think it naturally builds up as it goes on, getting bigger and broader, it's just those first experiences that can be a slog because you're pretty much learning what style you're going to play in.

I got more or less everything I expected, crafting, a skill tree, various weapons. What I didn't expect though are dialogue options. You can choose normally up to four paths, an intelligent one, a compassionate one, and a straightforward one. You don't have to worry about the stress of trying to reach a specific ending because there's really only one, the only thing that affects it is the amount of people that are in it. So does that make the choices irrelevant? Yes and no because there are different dialogue options and like I said, which means that you can get certain characters to like you more given the option you choose but not in the same way that relationship points work and I definitely felt the draw to do that whenever I came across my first side-quest.

Side-quests are interesting, I love tracking things in games, though it's rare that you actually get the chance to do it and here you have a good amount of opportunities. Is that all though? Far from it. I actually found myself searching for side-quests because the first two were so satisfying. It really only began to show its hand a bit more after those quests. As I mentioned, there are a lot more RPG elements than I first imagined but it starts to send you on scavenger hunts, especially that Dreamwillow one, that one I actually laughed out loud at every time I was turned away. It also starts to gatekeep to where it recommends that you be a certain level which is...odd? I mean at face value it looks like you could rock basically any combat situation that isn't context sensitive. Leveling up gives you abilities but they're more like Deus Ex on that front, where it's just for preference and upgrading, not necessarily strength. The only thing you improve on offense wise basically boils down to having the right materials or units to buy weapons then a matter of finding modifications. Other than that, leveling up seems to just increase your health. It really just depends on the quest too because I'll play one above my level and be fine then play another that's actually under my level and feel stuck.

Now I only played it on normal mode so something like "Ultra Hard" is bound to be more demanding but as far as actual side quest content, I feel like they have potential but just need tweaked, give me more stuff for major characters that affects their standing with me. Rather than having each quest be contained in its own story, have it affect you later in the game, let your actions be shown, give it rewards and consequences. There are some really great side-quests but there are also some crappy ones, it doesn't pass that threshold that most RPGs fall under or anything. However, I did find myself doing side-quests at my own free will and the ones that I didn't like or couldn't do at the time, I just skipped and focused on something else, I felt a lot more freedom with this game, like I didn't feel forced to grind or do a certain number of side-quests or really do anything. It encourages you to explore and play the way you want to play and I respect the heck out of that. Maybe it's different for other players though.

Perhaps my favorite actual side thing was the Cauldrons for those who actually played this, you'll know why. For those who didn't, just know that it's cool and let it be a surprise for when you go to one. You might expect these big set-pieces and bosses like Uncharted or GoW, but it's not really like that. I genuinely think that this is more video-gamey than it lets on which certainly takes up its runtime. One addition to side-quests that I would like to see is one where you don't know it's happening. For example, in this game, you'll come across random hunters who are attacking or being attacked by machines but rather than just going on about your day and them going on about their's, I want to fight off the machine and the person say "You saved my life, my name's Jara, I live in the town nearby and want to repay you." so you go there and there's trouble so it starts up a side-quest. Now don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of instances of people getting attacked actually being a mission but most of the time someone in town will just tell you "I haven't seen this person in a while, can you go check on them for me?" It's the art of subtlety and also just doing a good deed and getting rewarded for it. It's a conscious choice and split decision rather than just another checkmark on your list to complete.

Now I won't bother listing the characters and rating them but there's a certain aspect that has me really enthused So, Aloy is an outcast and a lot of these side missions and scenarios reflect her, you'll see the way she can relate with other characters, making it almost poetic in a subliminal kind of way. Then they add this tribal and futuristic setting to it where Aloy acts as the medium, there are parts of the game where she questions the tribe because they cut themselves off from technology and just don't know any better and we as a viewer know that but having the main character view things in 'our' lens is pretty genius. To top that off, they give her enough personality to be her own character while giving us enough power to influence her so that we ourselves can REFLECT WITH HER. It's not her character that I'm impressed with, it's the layout of the story.

So, how is the main story? It's kind of like the Flood scenario in Halo if I'm being honest. I'm not going to spoil anything but it's passable, like I said, it's not like an Uncharted and it's not like a movie. The visuals just look good at times (I took all the pictures in this review myself and so much more!). I'd call it a futuristic/tribal mix between Shadow of the Tomb Raider and Skyrim but I see elements of a lot of things. (Also since it's post apoctalypic, you find items that we see in modern day, like how they call keys, "chimes"! They think they're windchimes because there are no more cars! I love that!)

It actually does a pretty good job at being an open world considering that there are tons of things to do on your routes as well as collect but it's not so much so that it seems unfeasible, as I said, I found myself doing a good chunk of the side stuff just because it was fun to do and I'm not even close to a completionist for any game. If you mess up, healing plants will still be there. As long as you save, enemy parts will still be there. A place can be cleared out and conquered so that enemies don't come back. The actual towns are peaceful so you can't get mangled by any bots outside of scripted instances.

The graphics are pretty good but I can see some error here and there, nothing necessarily game breaking but the animations and AI are definitely janky at times. It's pretty obvious from the get-go but I'll do my best to specify and give constructive criticism on what I found wrong with certain aspects of the game. Rost is slow, like slower than walking speed but that's not to speak for all NPCs, some run, some you don't need to follow, it was really just him. I've had NPCs who fight but miss every single time on simple enemies (that might not be a bug, that might just be a funny bit that someone decided to add in). Sabretooths have jumped through walls (granted the walls were kinda broken but I'm not sure if those big boys can fit when they can barely find the entrance) I found myself jumping to a ledge or on a rope but not land it and just drop (it really boils down to loosening the hit box for that). Which to add on to that, I would like more places to climb and jump to in general (other than stupid mountains). I felt like there wasn't really enough that I could climb and the places that I could, could've been a bit more obvious that I could, maybe even make it viewable with your focus if you don't want it to be visually outstanding. There's a day and night cycle and while I like that, I found some of the contrast to be annoying because I could be staring a ladder right in the face and not even know it sometimes because it would be so dark. I'm not going to complain too much about it because I didn't turn my brightness up, I just left it at default and I would assume the PS5 version fixes some of those little things.

Now, this one is kind of a gray area: Hiking up mountains. Skyrim, Fallout, and Death Stranding went too far and gave little to no barriers. They had you looking for sweet spots that weren't there in order to cheese your way through an area either on or off a beaten path. But I would compare this to something like GTA where it's not as bad and does have its limits but might need tightened up some more because I can certainly get to places that lead to nowhere.

I've made headshots that don't make contact or damage while using precision. Part of that problem was that they could be high up in a tower (which have spikes sticking out) and I would hit ABOVE the logs, to make a headshot but since it was in that vicinity, it registered that as the spikes' hitbox so it wouldn't cause any damage and just alert the enemy (same if I was in the tower, looking down). Input lag where I hit up button on the D-Pad to regain health and I have to keep pressing it. If I had to guess, you have to meet the requirements of not taking damage, staying still, etc in order for it to actually work but it doesn't really have a reason to do that and it doesn't "tell" you that those are the requirements (as far as I know).

During the final boss, one of the enemies hit me into a rock wall, trapping me inside of it and the boss was already half health so I really didn't want to have to restart (I also didn't know how far back the checkpoint was) so I kept shooting stuff and eventually the boss destroyed the wall, allowing me to get out (timed section, by the way). There have been a few times where a tree or leaf or something is obstructing a cutscene and sometimes there will be a mech in the background screaming over the NPC talking, which I'm sure is due to the cutscenes being real-time which is still pretty impressive. Now are these errors all the time? No, not at all, I'm just pointing out that some times these things happened and that I felt it needed ironed out but I wouldn't call this half baked or an unfinished product or anything, it's nowhere near that level. I get that there are so many NPCs that it's hard to account for them all with facial animations but whenever they're talking, it seems pretty static and sometimes the lips don't line up. There's this one guy who says that he got lost in a sandstorm but he's standing in snow. Again, little nitpicks in an otherwise great game.

Now, I got this game for free as a Playstation promotion but that doesn't necessarily mean it'll be great, I played a little bit of that Ratchet & Clank reboot that was offered and I wasn't impressed, I quit after the first few worlds and was glad I didn't buy it at launch, (despite being a classic PS2 R&C fan) but we're not here to review that. I also played Abzu and loved it but it was short so it was definitely worth a play but maybe not 60$ (I actually think it's 20$ at this point though). With this game, it's the whole complete edition with DLC and everything, it has the length, so it really just boils down to "Would I have spent money on it otherwise?"

I think I would've if I knew more about it because I think it just got better and better after that first part of the game. It's marketed a bit differently than what I ended up getting but I found myself pouring hours into this game and loving it for one reason or another. I actually bought Shadow of the Colossus along with it (which is considered a cult classic) but I liked Horizon so much better, definitely worth its full price in my opinion. (So your promotion worked on me Sony, congrats) It has its problems but the potential is there and I feel like a sequel would probably iron out a lot of my troubles with it, so it's definitely a franchise worth investing into.

If you're interested in what I thought of the DLC alone (if you didn't get the Ultimate edition and are wondering if the extra content is worth it) I have a separate post that goes into that here.