#i don't know how to properly show it on photo BUT SHE'S INGRAINED INTO THE PLASTIC. I SWEAR. I'M LITERALLY CRYING

[adhdtsukasa]

NEVERMIND I FOUND SOMETHING EVEN FUNNIER. I ACCIDENTALLY GOT BIRTHDAY NENE INGRAINED INTO MY OLD BACKPACK

[danpuff-ao3]

Sooo...

Fic-Binding.

Is a thing I'm going to learn this year! (This feels really awkward but I can't think of a smooth introduction, so here we are.)

Here on Tumblr was my first introduction to binding fics. It never occurred to me before that people would. I began following many amazing binders here on Tumblr and over on Instagram. My sweet friend Nina bound a short story collection of some of my fics for my birthday last year. And Lila gave me a copy of one of her fics. There is something so very special about seeing fics in physical form! It gives me all the warm and fuzzies!

...only it seems that if a gal wants her favorite fics on her shelf, she's going to have to bind them herself.

Now, I was tempted to share some progress pictures along the way, but I fear that would hinder my progress. My anxiety and perfectionism are strong. I do not like to be observed making mistakes. Even really minor ones. Even worse if people point them out to me, however well-meaning. I live with a deep and abiding terror of failure and judgment. Which...is it healthy? No. Am I working on it? Yeah. But my therapist and I agree that throwing myself into the deep end is not the right method for me, so alas...baby steps!

(Seriously, my partner and I have been together nearly 7 years and only this past year have I begun to try and test new things where he could see me do it. And there is no person on planet earth more supportive or less judgmental than my Eddie.) (But to be fair, when one is taught to hate themselves and see their only worth as their usefulness and productivity, well...The terror is quite real, and deeply ingrained, I'm afraid.)

I will try to take progress photos along the way and share them all in a photo dump when I'm feeling more comfortable and confident. Which is a long ways away as I've not even bound a book yet. Showing my errors should be easier when I can say "look but I fixed it!" By necessity I've become pretty good at teaching myself things, so with luck (and YouTube videos) I can do this!

And in the meantime I can at least write about my efforts!

Eddie, my partner, has been very enthusiastic since I first broached the subject of bookbinding and when my plans to gather supplies seemed to fall through, he agreed to help me get what I needed. He had me put supplies on an Amazon wishlist so we can purchase items when we can. The first purchase I made was the most necessary one, which was a printer. I got a little table to put it on, built the table!!!! (I am not very handy, okay. When I build anything, however simple, it's a huge accomplishment!) I set up the printer. Aaaand was resigned to wait however long until I could start.

...

...and then it occurred to me. "Hey, dumb-dumb, maybe you can start practicing parts of it now?"

Oh yeah! There are several parts to putting a book together. And so, I began! I chose a small fic, Orange Blossoms, to get a feel for how it would look printed out. I followed some online instructions. And it wasn't perfect, but it was in booklet form and I could fold the paper and everything was where it needed to be. Small success!

Then I adjusted the font size and reprinted, because the previous font size was teensy in Scrivener and GIANT in Adobe and on paper.

Next, I wanted to test printing multiple signatures. That one took a bit more work for reasons I can't properly explain. Even now I don't know why the original version was printing out the way it was, with a blank last page. In theory, it shouldn't have done that??

Anyway, I chose In My Veins (In My Blood) for this. Orange Blossom is 3k and fit into one signature. In My Veins (In My Blood) is 7k and I figured I could get 2 out of it. I figured starting small would be better so I don't waste paper and ink while trying to sort things out. Or you know...waste as little as I can.

I fiddled with some settings and such until the first signature printed right. Then I had to mess around to figure out where I needed to insert blank pages, and I changed my mind about where to put my mock copyright and title pages. Once I was happy, I then printed the second signature and then proudly waved them in Eddie's face!

Then, I found a gift card from Christmas and decided: hey, why don't I get some more stuff? Today my order came in and I got: an awl, needles, and waxed thread. Time to stitch those suckers together! I stumbled across a bookbinding video some months ago that I saved, so I pulled that up and went step by step. Measuring and marking where to put the holes. (Nightmare, btw, my brain hates numbers.) (Brain sees numbers and runs off scared; needs soothing and cajoling to come back out and get to work.) (The solution was obvious and didn't require actual math like the YouTuber told me but anyway that's not the point, the point is:) Then I threaded my needle and go to work!

Signature 1 was easy enough. But threading the 2 signatures together was not. First YouTube moved too fast and didn't explain things very clearly. Like...not verbally addressing each step in detail, but also with too many jump cuts for me to really tell what she was doing. But she referenced a Sea Lemon video which I found and was much more helpful!

And now I have 2 signatures threaded together! It's very rough and sloppy, but you know what...it's a first attempt, so whatever. (Look, even admitting that my first attempt is pretty "eh" hurts my soul, but here we are.) (At least you can't see it!)

So that's where I am for now! Eddie's going to peruse my list this weekend to see what he can get, and once I have the supplies needed for the next step, onto the next step I'll go! I do want to bind The White Road as my first actual bound fic, so I can work on fiddling with the typesetting a bit while I wait!

ALSO I ate dinner so late because I was so caught up in learning how to stitch those signatures!! I was like "okay this shouldn't take that long." Hey, self, this is a new skill you're learning. Maybe don't make assumptions. And at least double any time you think something should take. I sure scarfed down my food after that!

Anyway, I know it seems very silly that I'm too scared to show pictures, but even talking about it is a big step. It's like...well if this doesn't work out I'm going to look really dumb, huh? Better keep things all to myself so if it doesn't work out no one is disappointed or judging me or whatever. Much better to come out the gate with something to show, right?

But talking about stuff and sharing stuff is really important to me. It's this like deep inner need I've trampled down for so long, out of fear of seeming childish or silly at best, or at worst boring or burdening people. But maybe this is something some people are interested in. And I'll be generous with cuts and tags for easy skimming for those who aren't interested, and those who are, well...You're welcome to bits and pieces of my journey with me!

Speaking of tags, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "bindery." I thought of "Busy Bee Bindery" because I love bees and am quite busy, actually. But maybe it needs my name in it?? Idk I'm still brainstorming that one. Maybe by my next update I'll have one I can use for tagging! And you know...to slap on my bindings! 😄