#i don’t remember the last time i’ve existed with myself fully and uthenticslly and it’s taking up so much time and space
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winter break makes me feel so lost
#i know this isn’t a unique feeling at all ever.#but it feels different this time.#i’m yearning so much more and it’s so embarrassing and disgusting and just like stop.#my brain is just going and going and attaching on to others and never stopping#i always have someone on my mind#it feels like almost always or maybe i’m being dramatic#i’m feeling lonely but not in the usual lonely sense#but in a way where i’m one of this fish that clean the sharks and crest their own ecosystem but my shark is gone#i feel like my body is having open heart surgery and my surgeon left me wide open on the table#i feel like a dog waiting for their owner at the front door#at school i do everything with another person#as a child i did everything with my mom#the past three years i’ve done everything with my ex#or my bestie roommate#i don’t remember the last time i’ve existed with myself fully and uthenticslly and it’s taking up so much time and space#and sometimes it’s so liberating and beautiful and amazing and i have so many realizations and i love being on my own#but this want and urge and deep desire and need to feel seen and to be wanted is so fucking embarrassing#and i feel like i’m always asking too much#i feel this way and i feel like a kid showing a parent your drawing or favorite thing or anything and they just don’t want to see if becky#because they are busy or just don’t care#like why do these patterns repeat#this cycle of codependency just doesn’t stop and i feel like it won’t but i know it will#maybe it’s because i was yearning on google photos for hours and getting nostalgic and it made me feel all bubbly and warm and now i’m#feeling the sad aftermath of it all
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