#i do wanna stop doing that at all tho i’m wearing a rubber band to snap when i get the urge

[h14h]

‪my manager and coworkers keep throwing food at me ): they’re definitely starting to notice smth is up even tho i’m still huge, my guess is it’s bc i’ve been losing fast for neurotypical standards but i rly do not think the answer to my problems is restaurant food even tho they’re being kind ;-;

i literally had to cry today bc i puked in the bathroom and my new friend pulled me aside and she was so so kind and she was like are u eating enough? and she gave me a mint and gum too ;-; crazy im still fat as shit and alr getting questions but it’s prob bc my work bestie is very very ana so they’re worried since we’re close her habits are rubbing off on me (they are; as if they weren’t alr here im just on the tail end of the weight loss now so it’s more noticeable how fast im losing and the habits are getting worse)

i will say it’s a lot easier to starve myself surrounded by friends who care about me than rotting in my room alone so. win. hopefully i drop the rest of this awful weight before summer is over and start to maintain. i also hope that things keep going so well for me socially bc the combination of a mental breakdown and ugw would be scary bc i would absolutely just try and starve myself to death and it would be a lot lot easier at that point than when im fat as shit lololol.

it’s also crazy bc i always fantasized ab getting the questions like this when i was a neglected miserable fat little girl but now they r honestly quite jarring and i genuinely do not know how to react. ;-; also, my fucking pants i bought a month ago are alr huge on me and even the clothes i thought i would NEVER be able to fit into are getting too big as well which is an incredibly weird feeling knowing i still have so so much to lose

[justsomevoltronstuff]

Hi, so since you said you do emergency request this is kinda an emergency request if this topic makes you uncomfortable than you can skip it so I have depression and Anxiety along with other mental health problems. I’ve cut for a long time to try and cope and over the last year I have been trying to stop. I recently relapsed after like a month or so of being clean. Can I have a Keith x f!reader where he helps her through something similar? I’m kinda disappointed in myself and just i don’t know:(

so it’s official, I’m horrible at the emergency part of emergency requests😔✌️ I’m so so sorry this took so long

for the sake of getting something to you ASAP I did headcanons, but I’ve already started working on a fic and I’ll hopefully have that out this week but I’ve been working for two days straight and the job will go on a few more days so🤞🤞🤞

I’m placing this below a keep reading because of trigger warning purposes. PLEASE be careful reading this if the topic is something that triggers you💜

you didn’t really like talking about it

you kinda just found a spot in the castle and hid whenever no one needed you and prayed no one would come looking for you

this was something you’ve been handling on your own for so long that you couldn’t even imagine someone else knowing

one day you had gone slightly too long

you were practically itching with the need of feeling that release

as soon as you were all dismissed from an important meeting, you booked it to your spot

carefully tho cause you didn’t wanna be followed

but not carefully enough cause you were followed

Keith found you balled up in your safe corner, bloody and crying

the second you were made aware of his presence, you quickly attempted to hide your bare marked skin and wipe away the tears

his heart absolutely broke at the sight

you’re his girl

(dating or just friends, either way you‘re still extremely important to him)

you’re his girl and you’re doing this to yourself and none of them knew and-

he kinda lowkey (highkey) spirals as he pieces together all the times you’d sneak off or when you’d panic when your sleeves rolled up just a little too high or all the times he’d catch you rummaging for bandages

he started piecing together how this wasn’t the first time

he slowly crouched in front of you and grasped your shoulders, his eyes full of concern

you just immediately try to explain yourself or you try to curl in even deeper on yourself

you think he’s gonna think of you differently now, maybe even think you’re weak or abandon you entirely

all your worst nightmares flashing through your mind with the endless possibilities of how your little secret getting out would effect the good thing you had going

you came back to your sense as Keith pulled his hands of your shoulders and sat down next to you

you peeked up a little when he called your name

when he noticed he had your attention he slowly raised the sleeves of his jacket

you’re eyes widen as you slowly leaned forward and gently traced small scars littering his skin

you looked up at him, his eyes filled with all kinds of emotions

“did- did you stop?”

your voice was shakey, every part of you buzzing with nervous energy

he shook his head “not for a long time, I still relapse every once in a while.”

that kinda just deflated you a little as you curled back into yourself again

“but, no where near as much as I used to. wanna know my nifty secret?”

the whole thing was not a happy situation, but he tried really hard to keep his side of it as light as possible to keep the weight of it all from crushing the both of you

you nodded and he smiled gently before pulling a beige bracelet off his wrist

he motioned for your hand and you gave it to him, he put the bracelet -which you now recognized as a rubber band not a bracelet- on your wrist

you looked up at his with a smile dancing on your lips but confusion oozing from you

“whenever you get the urge, just snap it lightly. it’s not quite the same, but it helps in time.”

you slowly took the band and tugged it some before releasing it against your skin

it was a familiar comforting pain, but a whole lot safer

you thanked him and expected him to leave, but he didn’t

the two of you sat there, in your secret spot, for the next few hours

swapping stories, opening up about the hard things, just talking

you were still far from healed, but healing will take time, and that’s okay

and it’s important to remember that you’re never gonna be better immediately

everything comes with time, and there’s always a sunrise after a long, cold, dark night

~Admin Rori💜

{ps: I’m also a person who has cut before, I spent years too depressed to do any of my favorite things, I felt like everything was too crushing to try to do, all my coping mechanisms got extremely enhanced and it was a very dark time for me. idk if you’ve tried the rubber band thing before or not, but personally I have been clean for three years and two months now, I started with the rubber band and hitting that thing as hard as possible and still to this day I wear a rubber band at all times, whenever I feel I’m spiraling again I just snap myself and it grounds me back to reality. I don’t want you to feel disappointed in yourself, because healing takes so long, and the fact that you’re trying to heal is proof of how damn strong you are. I believe in you. Please, let me know if you ever need to talk to someone or if there’s anything at all I can do to help, healing takes time, and having people in your corner definitely helps as well. I’m in your corner babe, I’m rooting for you, stay strong my darling.}

{pps: I know this is kinda trash and I’m so sorry for that, but I promise I’ll have something better out soon}

[forreasonswretchedandivine]

Tagged by: @kimchi-fried-ice (feel free to say hi whenever! I LOVE your blog, and you seem very nice I’d love to be friends!:))

Nickname: it’s practically my actual name, but it’s tidge. When I was little my basketball coach would always say my name as tish lol. Then my family started calling me that because they thought it was hilarious, and my mom said it in front of my theatre friends and they started doing it too. It’s honestly grown on me, and I let just about everyone call me tidge BC it usually leads to me telling them where it came from. Also I think it’s cute:):)

Height: 5’5?? 5’6? People always say I should know this but I just never do🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.(side note: if you’re taller than me and also a girl who likes girls HMU😚)

Hogwarts house: I’m like the only one of every person I know who’s consumed 4 Harry Potter things( read first book, watched first 3 movies) but I took a quiz and got slytherin? Sounds about right from what I know lol. I’m nice, but I’ve got major RBF and I’m ALWAYS down for a little drama

Last thing I googled: “where to catch dreepy in Pokémon sword” that elusive motherfucker has a 2% chance of spawning in the wild area and I almost exploded after 2 hours of running in and out of like 3 different tall grass areas. Didn’t find one BUT I found it’s evolved form, which was fine because looking any longer may have killed me

Song stuck in my head: From Eden by Hozier and high five by Sigrid. They are both bangers in their own respect, and the are playing ln my head at the same time right now. It’s kinda nice!

Following:253! Though a few of those are inactive now, I’ve had this account since middle school

Followers: 27 total but 10 are inactive, and I’m pretty sure one is just a spam account that was VERY convincing

Amount of sleep I get: I try for 7-8 and get it most of the time, but some nights I get hit with that good self hate™️™️ and stay up later because why not? Or I’ll be up till 3 in fugue state trying to finish homework/ projects that I procrastinated on lol. I take lots of naps too BC they are soooo great

Lucky number:13! I have no basis behind this, other than because I want it to be, and because people say it’s bad luck. So far it’s been pretty great to me!!

Dream job: 😬😬😬 welll over the past 2 years, especially since I transferred colleges and had a bit of an unexpected major chance( technical theatre> studio art) My career path has been pretty unclear and I’m still not really sure what I wanna do. I’d love to get back into something theatre related because I’m pretty good at it, but lately the art I’ve been doing makes me very happy and gives me a personal sense of accomplishment that theatre never gave me. I’m hoping to find some sort of intersection between the two, so I can be able to make something for either a play or musical, then when I’m done just go chill somewhere for a little while and take a nap. Or like make some cool painting or drawing, make some money from it, then take a few weeks off of doing sutff, repeat. So I guess the short answer is: make art that I enjoy, get paid, not work every day:)

Wearing: what am I wearing?My, my, how sexual!! Just kidding;);). Black boots, high waisted skinny jeans, an button up shirt with a stranger things demegoron pattern, tan cardigan, and a little trans pride pendant I made to remind myself I am valid, and to signal other trans people!

Favorite song: (TAZ balance spoilers) idk if this counts but any version of lucetia’s theme from taz, written by one GRIFFIN TEAR MY HEART OUT ANDREW MCELROY. It’s just so beautiful, and it always makes me feel such strong emotions because every time it plays on the podcast there’s like a major plot development or moment of growth for lucetia, and I JUST. I literally ascend when it plays during the finale when she’s about to stop the hunger, just ugh so good

Instruments: I played the baritone for like a year in middle school. To summarize how that went: I was not very good:/:/

Random fact: I’m always telling myself that this probably isn’t something I should be so casual and open about, but then I tell people anyways. When I was 3-4, my sister was getting on my nerves and we were both on the kitchen counter for some reason. So to get her to stop, I took a knife and cut almost completely through her finger. Needless to say that got me in a bit of trouble with my dad, and to this day most of my family gets on edge when they see me with a knife. Which I find funny because In my teen years and now, I’ve gotten really into buying knifes and swords like some sort of blade gremlin. All of that probably made me sound very unstable, but I promise I’m not, just like sharp things. Im like 30% unhinged at all times AT MOST.

Aesthetics:????? I’m really into symmetry and matching colors of that counts as an aesthetic. My room is probably the best example, because everything in it is organized in a weird messy kinda way. I know where it is but it’s not where you’d think(ex: The sword I have hung next to my window) again I am very much a gremlin girl, and while I keep a lot of weird stuff, Im also very organized and creative so I end up using some broken things to make something new(ex: the bow and arrow I made out of a walking stick, some rubber bands and a 5 mechanical pencils). This description is probably also a good example of my aesthetic, which is to say messy, and slightly incoherent, but prepared and practical. In terms of clothing, it’s a sliding scale between �� For all intents and purposes I was not planning on leaving my room or being perceived physically by others today, but a friend wanted to hang out, and I love my friends so here I am looking like this” And “ I am an ethereal being of pure beauty and elegance, but watered down a bit so I’m still very well dressed, but minus the elegance, and plus a lil slut and probably some black boots”. It should also be stated that my gayness is part of both of these in varying degrees of intensity

I tag: @rosebudyke @negative-ghostriderr @sunshine-nb @severedned @seraphlesbian (y’all don’t have to if you don’t want to tho,but if you want message me! You all also seem very nice☺️)

[t0m0kii]

1-99

you think this is a game anon? you send in 1-99 i’m gonna do 1-99 so HERE WE H*CKING GO

“1) Sexuality?”

bi! even tho i’m not attracted to many boys (and i actually only seriously like one) i still consider myself to be a groovy bisexual

“2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?”

any of the monkees! but also paul mccartney!

“3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.”

here’s an excerpt from the nearest book, ‘‘the everything reading music book’‘: “The terms measure and bar can be used in place of one another - they mean the same thing.” very educational!

“4) What do you think about most?”

it’s probably pathetic but i probably think about story concepts the most! either that or monkees stuff but sometimes they can be the same thing

“5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?”

my latest text is from my dude sean a.k.a joj-n-ringo who said that he sent me loads of asks about nwa but somehow i didn’t get any of them 

“6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?”

always with! sleeping naked is weird and plus i hate my body and don’t wanna look at it SKJALKJAKLHDKSJLKN

“7) What’s your strangest talent?”

i dunno! i don’t really have any weird talents!

“8) Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)”

girls…are neat! boys…are also neat!

“9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?”

no one’s ever written me a song but i’ve had friends write me poems before! it’s nice and i love it

“10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?”

hm……when’s the last time i listened to joe walsh’s life’s been good……………probably then!

“11) Do you have any strange phobias?”

i don’t know if it counts as a phobia but i get really bothered when i see shirtless pics of people and their ribs are visible like idk what it is but eeeee i don’t like it

“12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?”

not that i can remember, lmao

“13) What’s your religion?”

i’m not like a diehard religion fanatic but i was raised christian and still sorta stand by it yknow

“14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?”

looking at the area around me, even if i’ve seen the place a thousand times, i’m always just lookin around lmao

“15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?”

it depends! mostly i like being in front tho jdhbkjfhdjfls

“16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?”

the monkees! those four idiots have my whole heart

“17) What was the last lie you told?”

my mom asked me if i did my homework yesterday and i lied and said i did it at school BUT I DID DO MOST OF IT THERE SO WHEN I BROUGHT IT HOME I DIDN’T HAVE A LOT TO DO

“18) Do you believe in karma?”

i guess so! what goes around comes around i’d suppose

“19) What does your URL mean?”

it’s named somewhat after my favorite anime character tomoko kuroki bc i love her and she’s a big mood

“20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?”

i think my greatest weakness would be that i jump to conclusions without any reason yknow but i think my biggest strength would be either my writing abilities or my ability to sorta see through people and see exactly what type of person they are

“21) Who is your celebrity crush?”

davy jones !!!!!! i love him so much !!!!!!!!!!

“22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?”

hELL NO i would never i’m way too modest for that sjsklaskjdkbfnj

“23) How do you vent your anger?”

usually i talk to someone about it who’d understand but sometimes when i don’t want to bug anyone i just scribble it all down

“24) Do you have a collection of anything?”i have a record collection! and a cd and tape collection, i mostly just collect music stuff kshsjlbsjk

“25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?”

i don’t really like either but i prefer talking on the phone!

“26) Are you happy with the person you’ve become?”

not entirely

“27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?”

i hate the sound of babies screaming like i don’t hate children but uGH it kills my ears and a sound i love is the sound of tambourines! i love those lil things they do a good noise

“28) What’s your biggest “what if”?”

what if it’s all for nothing (this could apply to several things)

“29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?”

i dunno about aliens but i think there are ghosts! i’d love to be friends with a ghost like. imagine

“30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.”

with my right i touch my phone first! and with my left i touch my 3ds 

“31) Smell the air. What do you smell?”

it smells like……………………………..air

“32) What’s the worst place you have ever been to?”

i dunno i’ve never really been anywhere super terrible 

“33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?”

uhhh east?

“34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?”

DAVY JONES OF COURSEEEEE

“35) To you, what is the meaning of life?”

to give it meaning

“36) Define Art.”

art is whatever you make it tbh, something that inspires

“37) Do you believe in luck?”

i guess! even tho i have the worst luck ever

“38) What’s the weather like right now?”

cold and windy it SUCKS

“39) What time is it?”

at the time of writing this answer it’s 8:37 pm!

“40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?”

i’m too young to drive so i’ve never done it bsjhklskjdvbfjdsk

“41) What was the last book you read?”

i admit i write more than i read but i believe the last time i read a book was yesterday when i was reading one of my how-to-read-sheet-music books from the library

“42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?”

i can tolerate it but i wouldn’t want to sit and smell it for hours

“43) Do you have any nicknames?”

not really! if you gave me one that’d be neat

“44) What was the last movie you saw?”

last time i watched a movie was when i rewatched the beatles movie ‘‘help!’‘ it’s a rlly good movie i love it

“45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?”

uh once i broke my arm in kindergarten but i think that’d be it

“46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?”

like in a net? no but i’d really like tooooo i think it’d be neat

“47) Do you have any obsessions right now?”

MONKEESSSSSS I’VE BEEN HYPERFIXING ON THE MONKEES FOR NEARLY A YEAR NOW I JUST LOVE THOSE FOUR DUMBASSES ESPECIALLY THE SHORT ONE THAT TALKS FUNNY

“48) What’s your sexual orientation?”

i’m a girl! born a girl and i have stayed a girl since. wild

“49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?”

not that i know of sjhskdksl is that a good thing??

“50) Do you believe in magic?”

perhaps it’s out there and someone’s just keeping it to themselves WHICH WOULD SUCK BC GIVE ME SOME MAGIC YOU FUCK

“51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?”

i forgive but never forget

“52) What is your astrological sign?”

since i was born on november 8th i’d be a scorpio!

“53) Do you save money or spend it?”

i’m terrible at saving money but i’m a wiz at spending it

“54) What’s the last thing you purchased?”

my monkees shirt! i love that thing even tho it was 90 dollars on etsy but lemme tell ya it’s 90 dollars well spent

“55) Love or lust?”

love !!!!!!!!!!

“56) In a relationship?”

in my daydream universe i’m the lovely intelligent wife of davy jones but in reality i’m a lonely bitch skjfhdsjflsj;fdkk

“57) How many relationships have you had?”

i had a boyfriend for a week in kindergarten but only because he recognized me from sunday school and i’ve never had a relationship since

“58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?”

no and i can’t believe people can do that but some people can’t like HUH

“59) Where were you yesterday?”

i wasn’t anywhere near the crime scene officer i swear

“60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?”

on my desk next to my coaster is my pink rubber bracelet with a peter tork quote on it! and that’s not very far away so it counts!

“61) Are you wearing socks right now?”

the only time i’m not wearing socks is when i’m in the shower so yes

“62) What’s your favorite animal?”

the red panda !!!! i love those funky little dudes !!!!!!!

“63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?”

i really would not know my dude i mean just being myself i guess?? bold of you to assume people like me

“64) Where is your best friend?”

probably at their house being the greatest best friend ever

“65) Spit or swallow?(;”

i think when you’re brushing your teeth you literally have to spit you can’t just swallow that shit what the fuck if i find someone who does that i’ll ascend

“66) What is your heritage?”

i don’t really know! i mean i’m about as white as a piece of paper so

“67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?”

i told you before officer i wasn’t out doing illegal actions ((nah but seriously i was watching youtube i think))

“68) What do you think is Satan’s last name?”

bofa

“69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?”

honestly i never remember where my bus stop is i always just look out the window and see my house and i’m like oh shit time to skidaddle so i mostly rely on the bus driver for that. thanks bus driver

((yeah))

“70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?”

i think being friends with me would be alright maybe!

“71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?”

man fuck that guy i’m saving that fuckin dog then i’ll just show up with the dog and everyone will think it’s so cute that i won’t get fired. problem solved!

“72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?”

i guess everyone would already know but i’d finish everything i’d need to like writing projects and stuff, i’d make sure i’d do everything i need to before i had to die 

“73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.”

where there’s trust there’s love so trust!

“74) What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?”

looking for the good times by the monkees never fails to make me smile! i just love davy a lot

“75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?”

7644! 

“76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?”

a good relationship starts with a good friendship yknow. you have to be able to love and appreciate the person you’re with and accept them the way they are and not try to change them too much. and it also sorta all relies on trust. if you can trust who you’re with, you’re good to go. and if you feel like you’re unable to call them out when they do wrong or if they do/say something really bad and you just let it slide then that’s not good in a relationship i’d say

“77) How can I win your heart?”

be nice

“78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?”

maybe just a small, small amount but not a lot

“79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?”

deciding to listen to the monkees tbh bc !!! i love em !!!! have i mentioned this !!!!

“80) What size shoes do you wear?”

like size 11 or somethin like that

“81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?”

“bury me shallow because i’ll be back”

“82) What is your favorite word?”

my favorite word would probably be “lovely” bc it’s so fuckin !! good !!!!!!!

“83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.”

i always hear the word in davy’s voice and the way he says it LKDSLSKS he goes “h a h t” it’s cute

“84) What is a saying you say a lot?”

“it be like that sometimes”

“85) What’s the last song you listened to?”

everybody wants to rule the world by tears for fears! listening to it as i answer this actually

“86) Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?”

blue! really any shade of blue but especially light blue!

“87) What is your current desktop picture?”

i’ve said monkees too many times in this post but. them

“88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?”

the president bc he sucks

“89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?”

if someone outside of the internet asked if i were gay i think i’d be a little scared to answer bc yknow my whole family is homophobic and all that and sometimes you never can tell who is and who isn’t

“90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?”

introduce myself bc even if i’m scared i’m not about to be impolite

“91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?”

time travel !!!! they call me TIME TRAVELING PRODUCE AISLE 

“92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?”

maybe a half hour of my first concert! it was a blast

“93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?”

developing depression

“94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?”

DAVY FUCKIN JONES but would we still see eachother afterwards is the question

“95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?”

manchester, england !!!!!!! i really want to go and i actually kinda wanna move there someday

“96) Do you have any relatives in jail?”

not that i know of i sure hope not lmao

“97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?”

once a long time ago

“98) Ever been on a plane?”

never bc my mom is super scared of heights and scared of planes and tbh i kinda don’t really like planes i prefer boats

“99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?”

i’d say listen to papa gene’s blues by the monkees and listen to mike nesmith go “yeeeeeehawwwww !!!!!!”

this took me an hour thanks anon

[3one3]

The Sequel - 865

A Joint Thing

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea/BVB players, and random awesome OC’s (okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Stop. You don’t even have to give the speech. I don’t want to talk about it. Tomorrow, yes. Not now.”

“Okay. Whatever you want.”

“What are you doing?”

“Figuring out how to send hay and grain for the horses and livestock affected by the hurricane in Texas. The flooding is so bad. Did you eat? I had a strip steak because I was starving. I got one for you too though. If you want it. It only takes a few minutes on the grill.”

I want 20 things and none are a strip steak, no matter how superbly she could probably cook it, André rued after Christina nodded at the mostly empty plate beside her Macbook in the study. There was one piece of broccoli left on it alongside some discarded fat. It was Saturday night, and he just got home from the match, and he pretty much hated everything until that very moment. How sweet is she. Does her two hours at the stadium to see me play like the Invisible Man for 55 minutes and then makes herself dinner for one, to eat while she works on helping abandoned or homeless animals. And she has that face like her mind is going hundreds of kilometers a minute to figure out what to do or say to me to erase that I am currently useless on the football pitch and hurt all the time.

“I had dinner in the ice bath. Who are we helping? One organization or a bunch of little ones?” The player walked the rest of the way into the cozy study decorated primarily with books, and pushed the back of his chair from one side of the partners’ desk to the other so that he could sit beside his girl and see what was on her screen. She slid over a bit to her left, and then leaned back over to the right to kiss his cheek. If not for the distraction of the coverage of the hurricane drowning greater Houston under an unprecedented tonnage of water, Christina would have been totally consumed by her sympathy for her partner and his frustrating struggle to show his quality and worth at the Westfalenstadion. He was simply a body to bounce the ball off now and then during his minutes that evening. The whole team was rather slow on the ball, and one-dimensional. André couldn’t make or take any chances, and he seldom even had the opportunity for nice interplay with his black and yellow teammates. The three points were secured for the home side, and their #21 didn’t do anything costly or embarrassing, so it wasn’t a complete loss, but he looked and felt irrelevant and disappointing. His girl wished she knew how to help him turn it on again, or even just how to get on the right path to it. Injuries and good form by others meant it had been nearly a year since he enjoyed an uninterrupted spell in which to build and flourish. His struggle was breaking her heart, and demolishing his spirit. Her instinct was to make him talk about it instead of brush it off for “tomorrow”, but she knew what it was like to be in his shoes too, and knew he needed a cool-down period before it was worth encouraging him to share his burden with her.

“That’s what I’m trying to decide. The ASPCA is doing a lot but I’m not sure if they’re doing livestock or just pets. USEF has a fund going just for horses. I’m looking for, like, if some group is taking in otherwise homeless horses and caring for them while their owners can’t. I’d like to send supplies. I don’t like just giving money to those big groups because I don’t know how much of it actually helps the animals, or how long it takes.” The horsewoman moved her dinner plate aside so that she could lean on her elbow on the desk and sigh while André scrolled through the pictures she found on Twitter.

“Why don’t you make a post saying that you’d like to help, and see who responds? It shouldn’t be too hard to verify and not get scammed. Your Twitter has a big reach,” he reminded her. “I’m sure people will tell you who is doing what.”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m going to need someone who knows what’s going on and where I can even get hay and grain sent from, and how to get it to whoever needs it. I emailed someone I know at USEF to find out what they can tell me. I’ll wait to post until I hear back from her. Hey, are you sure you don’t want anything?” Christina watched him watch a rescue video on the screen, and reached for his fuzzy cheek with the back of her hand. He turned and offered a small but reassuring smile.

“We had pasta and chicken. I’m not hungry, Prinzessin.”

“Do you want anything else? Couch? Bed? Fire pit? Movie downstairs?”

“Didn’t you want to begin your Game of Thrones education tonight?” the footballer yawned.

“Yes but actually I want to save that for tomorrow because it’s supposed to rain aaaaalllllllll day and Lukas has a playdate at Nuri’s- all the kids do- I think it’s someone’s birthday but I forget- and so it’s the perfect afternoon for us to get embedded on the couch and watch a bunch of episodes at once. I even made watermelon salsa for the whole grain tortilla chips.” Christina blinked at him with big, round, welcoming blue eyes, and just that little hint of hopefulness in them- her hope for him to be into her plans- was enough to help him feel just that little bit better about everything. Instead of expressing excitement about her Sunday agenda, he decided to tease her.

“You’re sending him to a birthday without a gift?” he asked with mock incredulity.

“Tugba only just told me about it at the game!”

“Did you get to tuck him in?”

“No,” she frowned. “Espen said he watched most of the match though. He made you something today,” Lukas’ mom smiled back. “It’s upstairs. Want to see?”

His dad nodded and followed her to the master bath, to check out the little platinum blonde’s art project. It all started when Espen arrived for work with a tie-dye kit and some cheap t-shirts. She was joining some new friends from her apartment block on a sort of bar crawl/drinking scavenger hunt that would stretch from brunch into the evening. It was a team competition, and her team was all going to wear tie-dye shirts. The others were getting together on Saturday to make theirs but since she had to work she just got her own supplies and made it into a fun activity to do with Lukas. Christina couldn’t resist joining in. They filled horse buckets with the water and dye and taught Lukas how to bunch up the shirt and add the rubber bands. After he saw the results on a his-size shirt, he wanted to make one for Daddy. It had to be yellow, because his “Daddy shirt” was yellow. Espen showed him how to draw on the adult-size white tee with fabric markers before they prepped it for the dye. He attempted a dinosaur and several humans of varying sizes and proportions. They weren’t all entirely recognizable as people. The finished product looked like a terrible children’s doodle made into a shirt instead of refrigerator art. He wanted to put it in the dye twice to deepen the yellow hue per Espen’s recommendation, so Christina hung it in her shower to dry because the dark tiles wouldn’t get stained.

“I think you should let him give it to you in the morning,” she explained to the lucky recipient of the haute couture piece. “He’ll be so proud and happy.”

“You think? Wouldn’t he like it if I just wear it?” André loved his ugly shirt. He loved that his son thought of him when he wasn’t around, and wanted to make him something.

“You can wear it after he gives it to you. I think you’ll look sexy in it, babe.”

“For some reason yellow doesn’t do for my eyes what it does for yours.” He pointed a cheeky smirk at his girl while holding the shirt up to his body.

“It’s really not your color.” She wrinkled one side of her nose and shook her head, and inadvertently reminded him of the things he didn’t want to talk about. I never look good in yellow. That’s the truth, he huffed inside. BVB shirt on, all talent, composure, and intelligence, gone. I just look like a jackass. “We tried to make it a darker, more flattering shade for you.”

“Mhm. Should I put it back in the shower? It seems dry.”

“I think it’s fine. Why don’t you put your bag away and stay awhile?” The rider winked at the dejected player and then wandered out of the bathroom and onto their bed. It was freshly made in clean linens, and too inviting to simply be walked past. There was nothing else to do in the house besides hover around André anyway.

“Where is your tie-dye shirt?” he asked her from his closet.

“In a drawer. It’s rainbow colored. I’m like a tie-dye pro.”

“Are we going downstairs, or outside, or bed, or what? What should I put on right now?”

“I dunno I don’t care.” Hola Juanin, Christina thought as her sweatpants pocket vibrated. It wouldn’t have been anyone other than the Spaniard. He played 74 minutes and assisted the match-winning goal, and she was waiting for him to respond to her congratulations text.

“Thanks. We played well. Who is it going to be with this time?” he wrote back. Her message also mentioned her desire to do another Dirk video, with a new artist, whose music she discovered only that afternoon, sort of.

“You know the song I played for you that sounds like its straight out of 1983 and I said I thought it might actually be brand new and not from Miami Vice? The featured artist on it is two guys called Oliver, because they’re both Olivers, and they’re DJ’s and producers and I heard their album that just came out and it’s AMAZING. You’ll prob love it. Add it on Apple. “Electrify” is my fave,” the rider told him with several dancing girl emojis.

“Why can’t you pick someone I already know personally and have a relationship with? Don’t you like any Kygo songs?” Juan’s feigned exasperation was audible in his digital words.

“Who says I want you to produce the video again?”

“Your mom.”

“We’re invited to a nightclub party in Milan on Saturday night with Rafa people. It’s not all night tho. Do you wanna?”

“I don’t know. That’s a week from now.”

“What are you doing tonight?”

“I had dinner with Paula. I’m home now. Bedtime for Juan.”

“Are you still hanging out with Taylor tomorrow?”

“I put sweatpants on because you have sweatpants on,” André shrugged on his way over to join his girl on the nicely made bed. She was upside down and tapping away on her phone. “Watcha doin?”

“Nothing.” Christina barely got the word out before the other player’s next message arrived.

“Yes.”

“Coming in hot.” The BVB midfielder crawled over her and literally just collapsed on her body, trapping the phone and her hand under his shoulder. “Ahh, yeah. Comfy.”

“Ugh, you weigh a ton. Why are your bones so heavy? There’s no fat on you to weigh this much.”

“Stop complaining,” he ordered before reluctantly scooting down some so that their parts lined up slightly better. He took the phone from her hand and set it on the bed, and then put both of her hands down at her side, out of the way of his elbows. Then he dropped his head down for a quick smooch. “Thanks for coming to the match.”

“Why do you still thank me?” Christina laughed. “I will never get that. I’ve been going to your games for almost 7 years. I was going to them even before that too. You just didn’t know it.”

“Because I’m still thankful that you support me. And that you support me at home too even after I play like crap.”

“You’re a hero to me and your son whether you score a hat trick, an own goal, or an award for doing absolutely nothing of note for an hour.” She couldn’t help but tease a little. It was totally fine with him because her teasing smile was very nice to look at. He bent down to kiss her again, a little slower, and then petted her forehead and some of her hair.

“I guess you weren’t paying attention when I gave the ball away and we almost lost a goal.”

“No I was, but you didn’t even do that well enough for them to actually score, so...doesn’t count.”

“Nice.”

“In all seriousness, was something hurting? You weren’t moving so good.” Christina held onto his waist and enjoyed his freshly showered smell. It was clean and manly and evoked all of the things inside a female that tell her to notice a male.

“Not really, but you’re right. By the end I wasn’t moving well.”

“Do you need a butt massage?” She slid her hands down over his behind and gave it a demonstrative double squeeze.

“You mean you have time for an ass that isn’t Jon Snow’s? You’ve found a way to include it in every other conversation for two days. Who is that?” His attention was diverted before he could list all the times she managed to work Kit Harington’s perfect ass into conversations. Her phone vibrated again, and lit up.

“How should I know? I can’t see it. Duuhhhhh.”

“Duhhhhhhh.”

“You’re crushing my liver or something. So you’re lucky you smell good.” And...meh. As the Olympic medalist inhaled some more eau du manly man, several threads converged in her head and dampened her mood. She spent much of the pre-match festivities with Zoe, and Nuri’s wife Tugba, talking about her new interest in Game of Thrones, and how it spawned from “that love scene” everybody was on about. The girls had so much to say and not just about Jon Snow’s wonderful, Fibonacci sequence-aligned bum. The other two knew more than the rider about the series, so they had more perspective on the significance of the love scene, but she could still testify to the powerful and meaningful emotions that were fueling it. It was obvious. The scene was about love, not sex. Zoe told her it was one of the few sex scenes in the whole story that portrayed the act as something loving instead of brutal and animalistic.

She also got wistful and fanciful and longing in talking about “that kind of love”. Marco’s girl asked, rhetorically, how amazing it is to have sex like that- to be so enamored, and so deeply in love, and so “so”. It was a struggle for her to even put a label on it. Tugba was all about it too. Nuri’s wife knew exactly what Zoe meant, and so did Christina. Unfortunately, thinking about the “oh my god, star-crossed lovers finally together, they need each other, they need to make love to fully experience it” sort of love just made her realize that she never had that with André anymore.

As Juan’s texts piled up on the phone next to her head, she felt uneasy inside. He was the one with whom she experienced that sort of love. He was the one she longed to be with that way. The girls also talked about other kinds of love, which they deemed good but not as singularly rewarding, satisfying, and special. André ticked the boxes for her for “when he’s so hot or handsome and you just need him” love and “casual, flirty” love, and “when you wake up Sunday morning and love each other” love. The player’s wives called the rarity of the other sort of love bittersweet, because they wanted to experience that encounter more often but recognized that it would be diminished with greater frequency. Zoe even said it was a “two handful” life experience, meaning one would only experience it maybe 10 times in a lifetime. So Christina logically shouldn’t have been that alarmed by the realization that she and her partner hadn’t had a night like that in some time, or that she wasn’t feeling that way about him. But she wasn’t sure that Zoe was right. It seemed like she thought of Juan that way all the time, and they had “Jonerys-level” sex multiple times just that summer. Sniffing her husband and feeling attracted to him on that most basic level of desire was disappointing for her, because it just reinforced everything she thought of in hospitality with the girls.

“Do you want me to move?” André offered when he noticed that her expression went flat for too long for her just to be kidding when she said he was lucky to smell good. It was like she frowned to go along with the banter but then just never smiled again or re-engaged.

“No. But...do you still...do you ever feel like you love me so much that you need to love me, like, physically? I mean- Not- Like- Like when you want to literally make love. You want to be together because of just...love. Not because you want to get off, or because I look good or whatever, or even like when you’re obsessed with being with my body for a while. I mean make love like the night before you went to Brazil, and our wedding night, and the first time we were together post-separation when it wasn’t weird anymore. When you look at me and I actually look back.” Christina regretted opening her mouth with every additional word she piled on to try to make herself clear. Her face was pink by the end, and she was hoping to disappear into the mattress somehow.  

“How many times did you watch the scene with his butt? You are so obsessed. Let it go, Prinzessin,” André chuckled. “You get so hung up on films and shows. Life doesn’t have to be that dramatic!”

“Never mind the show. Do you know what I’m talking about? Don’t you-“

“I wanted to be with you like that yesterday and you didn’t feel the same.” Why is she asking me this, he wondered. Why does she fool around when I want to be serious, and get serious when I’m just whatever. Why does she watch and read love stories and then have to live them the same?

“No that’s not the same, babe.” The rider shook her head and peered up at him with almost something like urgency. “I’m talking about when we’re both feeling exactly the same way. It’s a joint thing. It can’t happen to just one.”

“Well wouldn’t you know then? If it has to be both of us then you know all the times,” the player sighed. He just didn’t want to be having that conversation. He wanted to go back to enjoying her face and her casual conversation. She sighed too, but inaudibly, and nodded. His answer illustrated a good point. There was no point in asking him if he experienced something recently that she didn’t when the experience was dependent on them both. So it wasn’t just Christina that wasn’t feeling it. It wasn’t just that she had Juan as an alternative. The other half of the equation was messed up too. She wanted to know why, but didn’t know how to find out. He lifted his head to look at nothing across the room- an inadvertent but indicative gesture that put more space between their faces. His girl didn’t know how to even go about finding out her answer without aggravating him further.

“Okay.”

“Has anyone told you the guy with the ass and the girl with the braids are brother and sister? And that he’s a bitch? He would be the guy who listens to Drake and cries over girls. It’s just a TV show, Chris. Real life isn’t supposed to be comparable.” He was still aggravated anyway.

“Can you get off me if you’re going to talk to me like I’m an idiot?” So was she. He flipped over onto his back next to her for a second and then did a sit up and shifted around to lean against the headboard. She rolled onto her stomach and picked up her mobile.

“Goodnight baby girl.” He says with a red heart. Honestly, why do I fight to be in love with a man I love dearly when it’s no struggle at all to be in love with the other man I love? Seriously. Why? Why do I do this? Schü and I treat our relationship like it’s a project we’re working on, or like a patient with a whole bunch of problems and we don’t even know if he’s going to make it. I just love Juan. That’s it. That’s all there is to say. I don’t have to try. He doesn’t talk about us like we’re a work in progress. He realistically COULD do that, because I know he sees us being together in the future and it must seem like we take steps toward and away from that at times, but he doesn’t. Why do we do this? I don’t even know anymore. The old answer was that I wanted us to be together, and I wanted to keep our family together. I used to say that just because something is hard doesn’t make it not worth it. I need a drink before I get upset.

“Where you going?”

“Water.”