#i do think ink would be cringy as hell (in some way)

[fl00mie]

honestamente, no sé

to prevent confusions i'm giving credits of every fankid in order (starting with the tall one)

layden (fresh x ink fankid) by @/sugary-alienn dot (cross x ink fankid) by @/yo-honne abstract (reaper x ink fankid) by CATA-824 on wattpad gradient (error x ink fankid) by @/askcomboclub paper jam (error x ink fankid) by @/7goodangel palette (dream x ink fankid) by @/angeutblogo blueprint (swap x ink fankid) by @/pepper-mint aiden (zack x ink fankid) by ariscastleart

[boop-le-snoot]

If life gives you melons...

Ship: Loki x F!alt! reader

Rating: Explicit / word count 5,5k

Summary: You've heard about meet-cute, how about meet-ugly? Reader has tattoos and a tongue split. There's this joke that "bisexual alt girls go looking for a girlfriend and end up with sad, tall and skinny white bois" and boy did that hit home. Inspired by this cringy video of Hiddles [youtube link].

During a panel at a comic con, Loki notices reader and they go on a date, reader gets railed: top!Loki, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex, all the good stuff. Open ending, with a bonus of reader and Loki pranking Clint.

x. I usually fancy they/them pronouns for Loki but seeing as it's a smut-shot, I decided to go along with he/him for the sake of simplicity. Loki's at least 6'4 tall and you can fight me on that. Also, I write like a Tony stan - I feel the need to apologize to Loki stans for that. I love you guys! 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

The long line of people appeared to be neverending. Loki was an enhanced, as the government recently had adopted a politically correct term for Earth's non-human inhabitants, but even his enhanced endurance had begun waning due to sheer amount of people wanting a piece of memorabilia signed by The God of Mischief. Loki had gained a considerable amount of fans after doing his part in killing the mad titan Thanos and by extension, saving the world. It turned out, humankind was a sucker for a good redemption arc.

Loki's hands ached where they wrapped around the pen that he'd been using for nearly 4 hours to neatly place his name, written in neat runescript, on various pieces of merchandise that his fans (and wasn't that a strange thing!) presented to him. He used to think that he would have actually succeeded conquering the earth if he had a grasp on how to use social media and his charm; now, he just wanted the torture to end. An involuntary sigh left his mouth when he saw another print of himself in full battle gear being placed in front of him by a reasonably attractive young woman.

"Um, thank you," She stammered, giggling softly, and Loki spared her a painstaking smile, scribbling his name once again. The woman briefly caught his eyes. "Um, you're the reason- the inspiration for me. I became a stripper."

Loki blanked, feeling his eyes widen and blink on their own accord a few times. He wasn't sure if he heard the woman correctly, as the unusual statement made his brain freeze.

Loud snickering from behind the blushing woman interrupted the system error that he was experiencing in his head. It wasn't often that somebody managed to render him speechless. It looked like whoever was in line behind the stripper woman had taken advantage of that. Loki's eyes snapped to the short-haired person, who looked torn between cringing and breaking into embarrassed laughter.

The stripper left without a word, and as Loki picked up the cursed writing instrument once again, the short-haired person smiled at him kindly. "That was a little weird," They snorted, "And thanks, have a nice day Mr. Loki."

"When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic," Another woman, that appeared to be the short haired person's friend, deadpanned and gave a cynical side-eye to the departing stripper. Loki heard snickering coming from the short-haired person and quietly joined himself. The woman noticed it, winking at him as she collected the newly signed t-shirt. "Bye," She smiled kindly.

It was a split second decision, really. Something about the cheeky way she addressed the situation sparked Loki's interest. "Wait, you forgot something, darling," His baritone called out to the departing woman. She turned around, confused, and hastily grabbed the standard issue photo that he was holding out to her. With a final grateful nod, she smiled and left.

If Loki's smile had returned for the time being, none of his teammates made any remarks on it. Only his brother, Thor, gave a couple of knowing looks to the Asgardian sorcerer.

The woman in question didn't think twice about the photo that she stashed in her backpack along with the signed t-shirt. The Comic-Con had been full of people and the lines were unfairly long. The sheer exhaustion after attending a 3-day long convention had set in and she was eager to simply come home back to her apartment and crash on the nearest soft flat surface. Upon arrival, she did exactly that, flopping down gracelessly on the couch, her backpack landing next to her with a careless thud.

Unloading her trophies was a short time affair: a single white tee with a dozen signatures on it, written in what she hoped was waterproof Sharpie; one mug, shaped like an Iron Man helmet; one poster, showing Spider-Man on a picturesque NYC horizon and a signed photo of one Loki. Strangely enough, she did not remember requesting it - not that she was complaining. Free merch was free merch.

The front side wasn't signed whatsoever. Overcome by curiousity, she turned it around. A phone number was written on the back of it, the handwriting neat and the letters obviously being inked out by a thinner, more sophisticated pen than the one Loki had used for scribbling on the tee. The woman gaped silently, not believing her eyes. Did Loki himself had given her his phone number?

One margarita and a hefty helping of Chinese takeout later, the numbers persisted staring back at her mutely, the neat cursive being almost mocking in its quiet. The woman's smartphone had found a comfortable place right next to the photo, equally mum regarding the unusual situation.

An additional margarita was needed to gather the courage required to actually type out the number in the receiver box. Fruity alcoholic concoction in one hand and phone clutched in the other, the woman's eyes squeezed shut tightly as soon as the dreaded "Hey, got your number today! :)" read delivered. She'd typed and erased the message several times, groaning in embarrassment. How the hell does one approach an alien god?

"Hello! May I ask your name?" The response came after a brief moment - a moment the woman had suffered through by taking too haste sips of her drink, her common since screaming her to not overdo it and wait at least a full minute before replying. Everything felt awkward and misplaced.

In no time, she was sending the screenshots of the conversation to her girl-advice group chat that consisted of her closest friends. Chatting with Loki turned out to be surprisingly easy and he was great at upholding conversation, something that couldn't be said about all those Tinder matches she had had back in the day.

Even if using proper grammar during a text message conversation was something she had to reacquaint herself with, she was glad he wasn't just another boring, shalllow, condescending-ass white boy. Despite the cultural differences and his lack of knowledge of things like pop culture and music - something he said he was working on since New Asgard became a sovereign state on Earth - they bonded over music and tattoos and generally being rebellious against society's standarts.

The invitation to dinner didn't come as a surprise for the woman. She agreed happily, looking forward to continue their conversation outside of the internet - if Loki's part of the chat was anything to go by, not only was he charming, but also quite intelligent. And easy on the the eyes, too. They had traded selfies at some point and the Asgardian didn't look any worse in a hoodie and sweatpants than he did in his battle leathers. Loki had appeared to truly have had integrated into Earth's society.

The night of the date, the continuous text exchange did very little to calm her nerves. Loki texted as much as an overeager teenage boy: every now and then he would double-text and grossly overreact to her sending a simple meme. In fact, he smugly conveyed the fact he'd single-handedly started a meme war between the Avengers and even Steve was forced to participate; something that was, allegedly, out of character for the blonde man.

She didn't mind. Not like she had many friends to have so much fun with. Even if it took her twice the time to do her favourite eyeliner style, it was worth it. She hoped Loki would appreciate the bold, but classy make-up and the dress and shoes combo that accentuated her assets. Her date expressed curiousity about her tattoos and the difference between her preferred style and the humans he spent most time with. She guessed secret agents were not particularly fond of anything that made them memorable so she held out quite the hope for... Showing off some of her tattoos in a more private setting.

In other, simpler words, the woman came in prepared for both a friendly, leisurely stroll and a quality night. Either way, it would be a time well spent.

Loki's shiny, raven hair was impossible to miss as he towered over the rest of the people waiting by the restaurant's entrance. He wore tailored black trousers and a simple cashmere sweater, perfect for the evening's damp, cool air. Tall and lithe, Loki was mouthwateringly handsome.

"Come here often?" She wormed her way through the crowd, causing the man to smirk down at her. Her cheeks flared from the tiny gesture alone.

"Just waiting for a friend," Loki uttered lowly, extending an arm towards the woman, which she gracefully accepted as they made way towards the entrance. "Reservation for Loki," The Asgardian stated to the hostess, who, after a rapid doube-take, led them to a private, secluded area in the back of the restaurant.

Loki shouldered the slightly awkward interaction with grace, paying no mind to the girl. His focus was solely on his date and he was nothing but gallant as he took the woman's purse and held out the chair for her to comfortably sit down. As a prince, he was taught well, she mused.

"Usually I would ask 'what brings you to our little ball of water and dirt?' but I think we can skip that part," The woman stated with a sheepish grin, idly flicking through the menu and curiously eyeing the items that were unfamiliar. The desire to try something new fought with the possibility of accidentally ordering something too far out - like snails or other things that rich people fancied, for some reason.

Loki's greens briefly appeared over the top of his menu, grateful and sparkling. "I think it's best if we do just that," For a second, he looked away, before returning to the menu. "I can think of better things to discuss. I recall you didn't finish telling me about that college friend of yours, who was an anarchist... I'm dying to know..."

The waiter came and went, barely noticed by the pair, as they both poked at something that sounded the most familiar for both of them. Stoically, Loki admitted that Tony Stark did the booking for him and the woman reluctantly acquitted she wasn't very familiar with upscale establishments, being of middle-class background and working a middle-class job.

Interrupting the story she began telling hours ago, the woman took the time to point out the things she was familiar with on the menu and advised Loki to stay away from - like the aforementioned snails, and other things, slimy and salty things that she considered to be 'disgusting but rich people liked it for some reason'. The conversation slowly progressed into Loki telling her the mischief he got up to at the feasts Odin threw. The Asgardian shared the woman's disregard for influential people doing gross things to show off.

The food was good - it was really hard to miss with a traditional Italian lasagna - and seeing Loki shovel an obscene amount of food was an experience, but she didn't comment on it, tactful enough to consider his alien biology might have different dietary requirements that her human one. It was great, really, that she could order dessert and not feel guilty about it.

The gelato melted in her mouth like sweet ecstasy and she moaned with her next bite, only partly aware of how obscene really was the noise.

Loki's hand stuttered on it's way to his mouth. Wide-eyed, he stared at her lips, at her mouth, where her tongue lapped up the small drops of dessert from the spoon. "Why the split tongue?" The Asgardian finally gathered his wits, having had a good look of what he was sure was a trick of the eye at first.

She grinned, acutely aware of the effect that particular body modification had on men. "I like being different. I embrace the weird." She giggled, not at all ashamed, sticking out her tongue and wiggling both parts of it teasingly.

Loki's Adam's apple bobbed; "Weird?" He raised his eyebrow, fighting to maintain his previous cool composure.

She nodded. "Weird," She retorted coyly. "I usually don't divulge the details at least until the third date. Wouldn't want to scare my potential suitors off," The playful wink was the proverbial cherry on top. He was hooked, his eyes darkened, following the plump arch of her lips as she took another spoonful of the treat and savoured it, closing her eyes for a brief moment.

It was pornographic.

"Obviously, Midgardians don't know what's good for them," Loki scoffed in his usual bored monotone, fully aware of how fitful his attempt to conceal his excitement was. He sounded needy even to his own ears.

"And you do?" She pushed away the empty plate, chastely patting her mouth with a napkin. The raised eyebrow and the little smirk spoke volumes.

The grin he wore was hardly anything but feral; he asked for the waiter's assistance by flicking his wrist in an impatient fashion. Once the bill was paid and the woman's cardigan found its rightful place on her shoulders, Loki once again took hold of her arm, this time holding her smaller body against his larger one, taking care to slow down and keep his strides shorter.

She found the coolness of his presence refreshing in the moist, heavy air of the New York city.

"Where to, milady?" Loki asked her, looking down at the woman fondly.

"My place is a block away. Walk me, good sir?" She gave a delightfully easy smile in return.

He nodded, letting her lead the way, allowing himself to get a little bit lost in their shared presence, a little bubble of them in the middle of a busy city. It was as if someone had quickly turned down the volume of the honking cars and noisy pedestrians around them, leaving the soft breeze and the sun slowly descending below the skyscrapers. It felt far too short, partaking in the comfortable silence together, skin tingling under the thin layers of cloth where they were touching.

The sun was trapped in the strands of her hair as she smiled at him from her doorway, worrying her lip between her teeth. It was a bittersweet moment.

"A kiss good night for the good sir?" She asked hopefully, eyes darting between his face and his mouth.

Loki obliged, resting his palm flat on the door frame, towering over the woman as he gently slotted his thin, cool lips against her warm ones. The woman stood on her tippy toes, eager, placing a hand on his chest. The pair melted into the kiss - it had no business being this mind-blowing, brain-freezing for two people that have not met until that very day. The woman didn't refuse when Loki probed with his tongue, requesting entrance to her mouth; she licked into his own with fervor, fisting her hands in the soft fabric of his sweater.

With the hand that was free, Loki pulled the woman flush with himself, feeling the heat of her start a fire of its own inside of him. Her breathing rapid, the gesture only served to tighten her hold on his sweater, until a soft, barely audible moan slipped into his mouth, causing his brain to quickly reassess the situation.

Regretfully, Loki pulled away, clearing his throat. "Perhaps we should take this elsewhere," He meaningfully looked at the array of doors around them.

"I thought you'd never ask," She retorted with a fond eyeroll, tightening the grip on his sweater once more, to pull him inside her apartment and shut the door behind her. The awkward moments were few and in between; neither knew who reached for the other first, mashing their mouths with less grace than before, clutching at the other's arms and hips with hunger.

This time, Loki didn't hold back his own muted groans of satisfaction, shivering when the woman's hands snuck under his sweater and the simple tank top he wore underneath. Blunt nails scraped along his abs.

Step by step, she pushed him further inside her apartment, determined in her small quick strides. There was no mistake of their destination; no mistake in her desire: she was as hungry and as impatient as him. The crease between his eyebrows deepened, long arms extending to unzip the top of her dress to reveal a simple but tasteful black lacy bra covering her breasts. The woman barely noticed the action, stepping out of her dress as soon as it hit the floor.

He admired her. Inches of soft skin covered by intricate ink, some patterns bizarre and complicated, some beautiful in their simplicity. Loki couldn't wait to find out about the meaning behind every one of them, to trace the lines with his tongue and sink his teeth into the heated flesh.

The hands that were holding onto him for dear life tugged on his sweater and he chose to simply vanish it, too preoccupied with looking at the view in front of him. She gasped and her eyes met his: uncanny, magnetic emeralds shone with magic and power and desire.

"Fuck," She more mouthed than said, walking backwards in a trance until her shins hit the bed.

Loki grinned, advancing on the panting woman with the grace of a predator. "Darling?" His tone was innocent; his expression was anything but. His large hand encompassesed the side of her face, thumb running over her bottom lip in a possessive gesture that had her squirming in her place. He loved the way she just melted into his touch.

Their lips met again, slower this time. The kiss was once again graceful and unrushed, allowing them to explore the softness of each other's skin, mapping the arches and valleys with gentle strokes of their palms. The broad expanse of Loki's back was uneven, riddled with scars and blemishes, and she mapped every single one, blunt nails raking down it as she pressed into him, arching into his hands where he held her.

The soft flesh of her ass, barely covered by a scrap of black lace, was shamelessly grabbed - the woman didn't doubt there would be marks left - letting her feel his arousal pressed against her belly, hard and twitching. She didn't resist her desire to ge handsy and palmed it, taking note of the gasp and the twitch coming from the man occupied with the clasp of her bra. In no time, it flew away, forgotten somwhere the very moment Loki's palms took over her breasts, running a careful thumb over each nipple.

"Fuck," She parroted her previous statement, equally breathy and considerably more aroused.

"That's the plan," Loki's chuckle was hoarse.

She huffed, biting her bottom lip before reaching out to swiftly pop the button of his trousers, smirking at the hiss the friction of her palm produced against his cock. It shouldn't have surprised her that Loki was a commando kind of guy, but still, she gasped, partially from the ministrations of his clever fingers, partially from the mouthwatering sight in front of her. The thick, flushed length made saliva gather in the corners of her mouth.

He must've heard the audible swallow. "Not so haste, darling," He tutted, giving her relaxed body a gentle push, causing her to land on her back, heated skin against the soft duvet of her bed. "Let me taste you," A thud; Loki had dropped to his knees, using his large palms to spread her legs, opening her up to his eyes.

If his previous work hadn't made her so pliant, so aroused, she'd have been rendered speechless; instead, the woman arched her back, presenting herself and the desire that had pooled down below. The Asgardian chuckled, fingertips soft against the scratchy lace.

"Tease," The woman moaned, outstretching her arm to guide him but quite unable to reach him. She had to settle for squirming in her place, receiving a fraction of the desired traction against her swollen lips.

"Am I, love?" Loki asked her sweetly, caving enough to dip a single finger to run along the outside of her slit. It glided easily thanks to all the moisture gathered there, lips parting easily before his touch. The panties were vanished away promptly, another finger joining in immediately to rub slow, precise circles around her clit.

She keened low and long, fisting the fabric in her hand until her knuckles turned white. Loki knew what he was doing. It didn't take him very long to slide his long digits to the welcoming heat of her opening, dipping them inside until she began to make the noises he so craved. His mouth followed after that, long agile tongue drawing senseless shapes on the inside of her labia and dipping deeper, where her clit stood out engorged and slick.

He could smell the bittersweet of her arousal, mouthwatering and hot.

"Loki, fuck," She moaned, only half-coherent and partially aware of her own hips following his every stroke, every flick. He only advanced, hitting that sweet spot inside her with every stroke; the sparks traveling up her spine quickened with each time she changed his name like a prayer. "Loki, Loki, Loki..."

He growled, attaching his mouth firmly to her clit, and she arched for the final time, coming undone, squeezing around his fingers and gushing in his mouth, the obscene sounds covered by her own scream of delight and his impatient growling. The growling that sent shivers of aftershocks throughout her body.

"Darling, you taste so sweet," Loki groaned, still panting.

She took the time to open her eyes: Loki looked comically out of place in her bedroom, he dwarfed her bed and made her feel small, but it didn't matter at all at that very moment. His erection stood out hard and proud; despite the leg-shaking orgasm just moments ago, she wanted more, she wanted to taste him, she wanted to feel him inside-

With unsurprising agility, one swift motion was all it took for her to rest comfortably against the pillows, his throbbing member resting against the juncture of her thigh. She tasted her own release on his lips, however brief, whispering a weak, "Please," aching to feel the emptiness.

"As my lady wishes," Loki's cool breath ghosted over her cheek. She waited with baited breath until the tip of his manhood breached her, exhaling a moan into his neck and immediately wrapping her lips around a patch of skin as he stretched her so sweet.

Loki's arms shook slightly as he waited for her to adjust. He kissed her, soft and sweet; there was something vulnerable in him, something as sweet as the ache he'd taken away. Once he began to move, slow and fluid, all there was left was an all-consuming need to feel. As graceful as dancer and with a deadly precision, Loki pounded gasps, moans and screams out of the woman's slack mouth, kisses turning hungrier and sloppier by the second.

"So sweet," He cooed, relishing in the snug grip of her cunt around him.

She only keened in approval, too far gone and unused to the intensity of the feelings from a man with centuries of practice and the power of a god.

His thrusts slowed gradually until he was rutting into her, grinding his pelvic bone into her clit. The gasps and screams turned into drawn-out, longing moans; her hips followed his, meeting in a slow, sensual motion.

Loki was not a patient man. He withdrew - she gasped in protest - flipping the woman over on her fours with ease, taking but a split second to admire the curve of her body presented on display for him. Just for him.

With that thought burning in his mind, Loki sheathed his cock deeply inside her spasming cunt. It was nearly unbearably stimulating and only his own desire to prolong the bliss held back his own impending orgasm. That, and his own ego; he was naught if not a generous lover.

She slurred something, quiet and incorrigible, fucking back onto his cock as eagerly as he was plunging into her heat. The hand he'd placed on her shoulder promptly wrapped around her throat in hopes of lifting her close enough for him to hear the words but instead, it sent a full-bodied shiver throughout her. Loki grinned, tugging her that much closer.

The arch in her back looked quite uncomfortable yet she didn't mind; it was the exact opposite, in fact, her cunt tightened around him, drenching his shaft down to his balls. Her fingernails dug into the flesh of his thigh, the sting of pain going straight to his cock-

"Loki, I'm gonna, I'm gonna-" She slurred, gasping for air.

He weakened his hold on her throat enough to let her gulp the so-needed oxygen. It was her undoing: was it the rapid pace of oxygenated blood traveling to her brain or was it his cock, mercilessly pounding against her g-spot - she was violently spasming around his cock, much like she did around his fingers not too long ago.

It felt like ages, her crescendo coming in waves with no signs of stopping any time soon. Loki's continuous thrusts, his hips slamming into hers, her skin feeling like molten lava.

"Gonna fill your sweet cunt with my seed," Loki moaned lowly, holding her up by the throat, the other hand leaving fingertip-shaped bruises on the outside of her hips. "Mark you from the inside out," His voice had gone into primal territory, growling filling up the room.

"Please..." The woman rasped, oversensitive.

And he pleased, with a series of sharp thrusts, he buried himself to the hilt in her, the force of his release making her shudder and moan once against, going limp in his arms. Loki kept her in her place until every drop was inside of her cunt. Nothing was sweeter than that.

The Asgardian didn't bother with getting under the covers to hold her, conjuring a soft, comfortable throw in modest green, to cover their nudity. He didn't need the extra warmth but his companion was by far more fragile and sensitive to these things- Loki's fingertips traced the array of bruises he'd left in the wake of their passion, expression surprised as he found the woman smiling.

"Feels nice," She supplied meekly, eyes half-lidded, face trusting and open towards him.

He gave a small grin in return, placing a chaste kiss atop her head. "Yes, it does, darling."

Time after time, she didn't expect much out if their date. The sex was nice, nice enough for both of them to want seconds and thirds after their rushed first time - but it wasn't like she expected him to hand around. It was a pleasant change from the usual mutual ghosting she'd done with her previous partners, but Loki had texted again and they had resumed their conversation via text like nothing had happened.

No, that would be incorrect. Now, she had a wonderful friend who was a great conversationalist and an even better lover. There was no pressure to put a label on their relationship so the woman didn't bother with it; it didn't seem like Loki cared about the label, either, so she left the topic alone and enjoyed things the way they were. It wasn't like she had a line of suitors anyway.

She couldn't help the smile that creeped onto her face when she unlocked her phone and saw a video call request from other than Loki himself. She still had thirty minutes worth of lunch break to waste and this was a wonderful time to chat with a friend.

"Stark, hand it back or I swear to Norns-" Loki's voice sounded agitated and far away, accompanied by sounds of a struggle; the bearded, smug face on the screen was not who she expected at all. Only years of customer service and low bullshit tolerance combined stopped her from freaking out seeing none other than Tony Stark smirking at her from the screen of her phone.

"Yes?" She arched an eyebrow, taking note of the anger of Loki's tone.

"Hi, I don't think I need to introduce myself," Stark babbled, eyeing her - disheveled and with a wall full of sticky notes and miscellaneous items acting as the background to her video. "Reindeer games refused to show you to us so we decided to persuade him," Tony's grin grew wider, muted whispers being rapidly exchanged in the background all the while Loki screeched "BROTHER!" and various expletives at the top of his lungs.

"You could've, I dunno," She paused, unimpressed. "Asked me to dinner, like a normal person. Instead of stealing, you know, like a thief," The eyeroll that she performed had the team worried her eyes would fall out of their sockets.

"I merely borrowed his phone, don't be dramatic," Stark huffed, and for a moment, she could see various other people trying to look at the screen and by extension, at her. "So, what is it that you do? Because Smurf over there wouldn't..."

"Oops, bad signal. Sorry, can't hear you properly," Her side of the call suddenly shook and in a moment, she ended the call, not at all willing to deal with people that lacked boundaries. Sure, it might have been Iron Man, but if he was planning on being a snooping asshole, she wasn't gonna go down with that easily.

Exactly five minutes after she had clocked out, an incoming call from Loki had her equal parts excited and mortified. What if..? But he was apologetic. And very angry, swearing in his native language - something that he'd promised to teach her at some point.

"So, Clint did it?" She sipped her beverage, strolling home with the phone pressed snugly against her ear.

"Most of it was his fault, yes," Loki grouched on the other end of the call.

"I vote we get back at him. Invite me over, if he's so inclined to see me, and watch him get humiliated in front of everybody," It wasn't a secret she had her own mischievous tendencies.

"As much as I appreciate your vigour, darling, I doubt the Widow will appreciate you verbally castrating the Hawk in public," He replied sourly, his voice still betraying the faint notes of interest.

"I have a backup plan!" She stated without a hitch. "He'll embarrass himself and I'll be your alibi."

"I'm listening," Loki perked up immediately.

They decided to not to stall and schedule the 'family dinner', as Thor himself dubbed it, for the next available weekend. Loki had made sure Tony's AI had been made aware the trickster would be gone all day, and it took him very little magic and effort to pop in and out of the tower for the five minutes that were needed to execute their prank.

His friend barely managed to keep the snickering at bay as they ascended the elevator to the common floor where the dinner was being held. Not only that, but the woman spouted an area of dark purple love marks, barely obscured by the low turtleneck of her blouse.

She made her introductions and they made theirs. "This affair could use some background noise," She remarked off-handedly, casting a meaningful glance at the TV.

Tony Stark was known for being a great host so he entertained her wishes, flicking on the huge flat screen with a flick of his wrist.

The team froze.

"I... -" The woman stared at the screen, mouth hanging wide open at the scenes that played out. "... am not going to kinkshame, but please turn it off," She stated in a small voice, seemingly unable to tear her eyes away from the mass of tentacles commencing erotic assault on a woman's body.

Wordlessly, the TV shut down, immersing the room in stunned silence. Loki face-palmed, the slap of his palm against his face echoing in the eerily quiet room.

"Loki!" Captain America, red as a tomato, instantly accused the most obvious person.

Except, he had forgotten one thing. "Loki was with me all day," The woman replied, unkindly. "Do you need more proof?" She tugged on the hem of her turtleneck, exposing an inch of skin marked blue.

The good Captain's face changed the shade once again, venturing very well into beetroot territory. "Who was the last one to use the TV?" Rogers asked, now with a hint of anger, as he stared at a guffawing Bucky.

"I believe it was Mr. Barton," The AI piped up, mechanical voice sounding almost insinuating. Or, perhaps, it just appeared that way.

[justhereforseverus]

A Rose by any Other Name Would Smell as Sweet

Chapter 2: The Fault is not in our Stars but in Ourselves

Summary:

Severus Snapes agrees to help our young arts professor with a sleeping potion. However, this won't help her for the current night and she decides to visit the gardens to have a look at the stars. One familiar dark and brooding professor joins her unexpectedly...

Notes:

In a rush of creativity and energy I actually finished the second chapter on the same day as the first. Beware, this bench will be visited maaaannnyyy times and there will be many more cringy Shakespeare quotes to come. Thank you for reading!

Chapter Text

He sat at his desk over a pile of papers. The school year has just started but I guess if you’re giving pages upon pages of essays because you’re a strict teacher, you also have quiet a lot to do from the start. I preferred to give more reading and then expect everyone to discuss the work in class. He looked up when I entered but then relaxed his manner and redirected his eyes back towards the essays. “I didn’t expect you Prof. (y/n). Thought it was one of these annoying first years bothering me again with silly questions.” – he ended writing a sentence with his quill and put the feather away in the ink pot with a swift and almost over-exaggerated gesture. Gosh, that man could have been a brilliant actor playing dandy villains… He folded his hands together and put them on the desk, saying “Take a seat” and gestured to the chair in front of him. I felt like one of his students before the oncoming storm of detention but quickly reminded me of the fact that I’m a grown-up, I’m his colleague, we’re even roughly the same age and oh God I gotta say something… get yourself tooogeeethhherr…..

I stuttered: “Yes, Dumbledore sent me to you. I have some trouble sleeping and he suggested you could make a potion helping me with that? Only if you’ve got the time.. I don’t want to burden you with more work. But I was thinking it might be good idea to try. I’m thankful for any help, really… ehm…yeah….” Welp, that have been way too many words. Why is he making me so nervous? I’m usually quite good at playing the professional, reasonable grown up without anxiety functioning on 2 hours of sleep. “I see…”, he said looking around in thought. “Are these problems common or have they never existed before? Maybe it’s just some.. nervousness about a new environment?” – wow ok, that sounded condescending but let’s just ignore that. I told him that these problems, unfortunately, are normal for me. Though they have been a bit more extreme than lately. Awkward pause. He stood up and went to his shelves, taking one or two different coloured bottles. He arranged them on one of the working desks and looked at them for a few seconds in silence. Then he shifted his head towards me and replied “Yes, I think I know one potion that might help you. – he nodded looking at the bottles - I’ll need some time to prepare it though. I’ll get back to you tomorrow morning, if that’s alright with you?” – I nodded and said yes. “Fantastic. In the meantime, I’d try to work on whatever the root cause is. Constant use of potions are not an ideal solution nor will I be able to mix you one all the time.” – he said sternly and then told me I might leave now. I rushed out of the classroom with a nod and a rather quiet “Thank you”.

Ok, so that’s been handled well.. more or less. I was glad that I might get some relief but he’s right. That can’t be the solution long term. It also doesn’t help me with tonight. Thanks to my procrastinating before the visit I’m out of work for now. After some hours turning over in my bed, I decided to take other measures. Instead, I was going for a walk on the Hogwarts grounds, breath some fresh air and have a look what the stars have to say.

I sat on one of the benches behind the castle and just breathed slowly. I looked at the stars and remembered one quote from the muggle comic Calvin and Hobbes: “If people sat outside and looked at the stars, I’ll bet they’d live a lot differently – How so? – Well, when you look into infinity, you realize there are more important things than what people do all day.” And yes, looking at the stars always sooths me. The stars don’t care about our silly little problems. They might not even be alive anymore. They shine and that’s it and I shouldn’t take everything so goddamn seriously.

I continued looking at the stars for a while and then a voice startled me, interrupting my philosophical emptiness: “You can thank the stars for not being a student. Filch informed me about someone in the gardens and I was prepared to give 2 months of detention.” – I looked to my left and Professor Snape stood there with one eyebrow elevated and a questioning look on his face. “I’m sorry. I.. it’s just..well, you know about my sleeping problems by now. How’s the potion coming along?” – I said. He sat next to me on the bench and replied “Well, it’s done but it needs time to develop. It will be done by tomorrow.. as I already said.”- ahhh no. “Oh Sorry… I didn’t want to imply your not doing your work. Apologies.” I looked down on my feet and we just sat in silence for a while. But with the stars above me and my nerves soothing, I felt brave to overcome this silly nervousness. Hell, I’m a teacher and an actor, I can do small talk. I think. “It’s quiet late though and you’re also here. Was it really just Filch’s alarm going off on you or why are you here?” I turned towards him and saw a smirk on his face. “Well, primarily yes. I wish Filch would turn to other teachers from time to time. But to answer your question, I know sleeping potions not only because I’m the potion master. However, I know how to use them responsibly and do my job well despite of the waking hours.” Ouch, here he goes again mocking me. “But maybe I was just surprised to see you here instead of a mischief-making student and thought to.. investigate.” He turned his gaze away from me and looked out to the woods. So, that means.. he wanted to know what’s up? Is that it? Why couldn’t he just say that he wanted to know how I’m doing or so. I’m confused but intrigued. “Oh” – I uttered articulately. “Thank you, Professor Snape. I’m not doing any mischief, promise! I just really like this place and come here if I need some reflection and peace. The stars sooth me somehow, you know.” He looked up and I did the same. Just two idiots watching the stars together…or so.

I became conscious of how close he was to me. I sat just inches away from him, I could feel his heavy coat next to my hands. This closeness felt nice. “I guess, no one can disagree with that.” – he muttered. “I hope you haven’t had a talk with Sybill though. I don’t think her readings of the stars are anything worth following.” I replied “Well, she’s very friendly and nice. Seems a bit disorganized but no, I don’t need the stars to tell me anything. Their existence alone is what gives me peace. And in the end the fault is not in our stars, but in ourselves.” He sighed and turned towards me saying “The drama teacher citing Shakespeare. How predictable. Nevertheless, I have to agree with this muggle fellow.” Wow… wait a second, he recognised the quote! “I didn’t expect you to notice it. Was hoping I could sell it as my own wisdom” – here I winked and smiled at him – “not many wizards bother to read anything from the muggle world and especially not something related to the arts.” He stood up and let out the quietest laugh, I’ve ever heard. “You didn’t fool me, but it might indeed work on others”. He looked me straight in the eyes and smiled: “But now, I’ve got to get back to my rooms. Good Night. Thank you for this conversation.” And with that he was gone. His gaze at the end sent a shiver down my spine and I don’t know why. It didn’t feel threatening though, but my heart beat faster. He has ignored me for most of my time here so far, but this was… interesting. I couldn’t explain any of this, but I knew one thing: I’d love to do this again.

[nathansha1803]

Meant To Be

Genre : high school!au, soulmate!au, romance, fluff

Pairing : lucas x jungwoo (hints of mark x haechan)

Word count : 2k

Summary : inspired by this 

Warning : swear words

Author’s note : Hi there! It’s been a long time since I’ve wrote my last fanfic. And this is my first ever NCT fanfic. I’m so sorry if there are any mistakes since English is not my first language. I hope you enjoy this cringy fanfic!

“HOLY SHIT I’M LATE!”

First day of school. And Wong Yukhei, or Huang Xuxi, who goes by Lucas, is late for school.

Well not first day of school actually. It’s actually his first day on Neo Culture Technology Academy of Performing Arts. Quite a long name for a school. But this one is a no joke. Neo Culture Technology Academy of Performing Arts is one of the prestigious arts high school. Every kids around the world who wants to be a successful musician know that being a student at this particular school would give them some kind of privilege that will secure their future.

Neo Culture Technology Academy of Performing Arts, or know by its acronym, NCT Academy, held a global audition for new students every year. That looks easy, but jokes on you. This audition is probably one of the hardest things to be passed in this world. Many kids failed on this process.

Not only that, this academy even had this ‘training’ session to ensure that only the best kids got enroll to the academy. This training usually takes about a year or shorter. If you do your best, congrats. But sometimes there are kids who dropped out of this session.

Knowing this, you might probably think that Lucas did some amazing things to be enrolled in this school.

Fun fact: he didn’t

Lucas was doing poor during his middle school. He wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box. He didn’t know what he wanted to be when he grow up.

This self proclaimed Justin Bieber look alike is failing in every class at his school. His parents, even though disappointed, afraid of their son of not having a future, they supported Lucas through up-downs, and let Lucas to be anything what he want, as long as it is not illegal.

One day, he saw this article about NCT Academy and the global audition they are having in his hometown, Hong Kong. Looking at it, he thought “Why not?”. He thinks that this audition as a one time experience. No hard feelings, no high hopes. Just do it.

He didn’t have any preparation. When he came to the audition place, everyone was practicing their moves, doing some vocal warm up, practicing high notes, and stuff like that.

The fact that he just struck 3 model poses and passed the audition, everyone was so shocked. No exception to him. He was happy, but some of the other competitors didn’t.

Everyone seemed so nice to him. But in his back, those who envied him talked shit. Lucas, being the happy-go-lucky self, didn’t knew this. Lucas is just that kind of kid who just get along with everyone. Until one day he accidentally eavesdrop a conversation, which kind of broke his heart a little. Since then, he started to train hard, becoming a rapper, and also learn Korean language, proving that he is not just ‘a talentless visual’.

Back to current state. Lucas, who just finished his 30-minutes-morning-routine-squished-into-3-minutes. Struggling to put on his uniform while still dripping wet, ran quickly straight out of his room in the dormitory.

He was too busy too realized that a small, inked words of ‘Uh, hi?’, formed on his forehand.

***

“Where the hell is he?”

6 teenagers, sitting in a circle in the multipurpose room. They’ve been waiting for their new teammate for about an hour.

“God, this is our first meeting for out first project, and the new kid is late?” The black hair kid whined as he stretched his arms

“Calm down Doyoung, he could show up in any minute. Besides, what if he’s already up, but he’s just to scared to meet us?” The redhead with slit eyebrows calmed his friend down, patting his back as he cool down.

“I don’t think so,” one the kids, the blonde one, argued. “He’s been snoring since I left our room”

“I couldn’t wait any longer!”, Doyoung shouted. “He should have wake up earlier knowing the fact that it is his first day! And also his first project meeting! This is so unprofessional! This is unacceptable!”

“Hey hey hey,” a guy, with strawberry blonde hair, replied to him. “Why don’t you walk down with Jaehyun-hyung for coffee, you know, cool down for a little bit?”

“Your not angry just because you are also late like him, Mark! I entered the room since 6 a.m. knowing damn well that this a big project and we are meeting our new member!”

“Hey I’m not late! Donghyuck needed some help with this homework so I had to stop by his room. And I also brought Jaehyun-hyung with us!”

“Back again with the ‘boyfriend’ excuses”

“He’s not my boyfriend!”

“EVERYONE IN SCHOOL KNOWS THAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE A COUPLE!”

“God what did I just signed up for” Taeyong, the redhead, facepalmed.

Mark and Doyoung started to argue, not realizing that Jungwoo, is hissing in pain holding his right arm, thinking that it would lessen the pain

“CAN YOU JUST STOP ARGUIN-WHAT IS IT JUNGWOO? WHY ARE YOU HOLDING YOUR ARM!?” Jaehyun tried to break down the argument, until he looked up to his younger mate, in pain.

Taeyong, being the mama good leader he is, quickly get up to check on his junior

“Hold up, wait, is that a, is that a soulmate tattoo!?”

“Wow, that’s quite a long one…”

Everyone gathered around Jungwoo. The poor kid knows that his friends are quite curious about it. He let go his grip and take a better look at this mystical weird stuff

Soulmate tattoo isn’t quite common. Sure, there are tons of stories about them. But it only happened like once in a while. They are very rare, but it actually exist in this logical word. This means that they are actually destined to be each other.

Or to be simplified, they are meant to be.

They usually are their first word for each other. But, the case is quite different from this.

Jungwoo’s arm, still red and stings, is now full with small words, that makes up to a full paragraph. Everyone is just staring at it. Mixed feelings, between shock, confused, amazed to witness such rare occasion, or just simply shook.

Jungwoo, full name Kim Jungwoo, is one of the best student in NCT Academy. Besides a global audition, NCT Academy also held their infamous weekly audition, dubbed “Saturday Auditions”. Everyone who passed this audition, will instantly become a student, and also won a full scholarship throughout their studies in NCT Academy. But again, everything comes with a price.

This audition is probably something that is impossible to pass, much harder than their global one. The one who could actually pass this would instantly become famous, even before starting school. Yet Jungwoo pass this with flying colours.

Not only that, Jungwoo has a damn great visual. His smile could probably make everyone instantly whipped for him. From young to old, no one can resist his sweet smile. His personality, also submits a great fact that this person is just straight up a big ball of uwu. The way he talk and sings, that soft voice, adds up another reason. And he just gets along with everyone, not afraid of skinship.

He’s probably the softest thing in this world that we need to protect from this bad, cruel world.

“Hey are we just gonna stare up at Jungwoo while he is in pain and we haven’t even start our meeting yet?” Doyoung, crossing his arms, quickly snapped everyone to reality.

“Ah about that, leave it to me. I’ll bring an ice pack from the kitchen,” Mark stood up from his position. Just as he about to leave, Jaehyun spoked, “Donghyuck is probably with the dreamies, he’s not having breakfast at this time”

Mark blushed, everyone laughed, knowing damn well that this boy is just trying to steal some time with his boo. It is obvious that him and Donghyuck, nickname Haechan, is a thing. Everyone in the school can see that they are madly in love.

They’re laugh suddenly stop until Doyoung started to talk again, “Leadernim, why don’t you get the first aid kit and treat this guy?”

Taeyong, still concerned at his junior, stood up and was about to leave, trying to help the poor kid. “Yeah, Jungwoo, stay here with Mark, Doyoung, and Winwin. Me and Jaehyun will go out to take the first aid kit and probably some snack. This meeting could actually take a while.”

“Ah, it okay hyung. Let me just do it myself! I’ll go to the infirmary by myself,” Guilty of the kindness of his senior, Jungwoo didn’t want to bother them. He feels that it’s probably better if he just do it by himself.

“Are you sure? You are still in pain, let Taeyong-hyung and Jaehyun do it for you,” Winwin tapped Jungwoo’s shoulder, trying to stop him.

“It’s just stinging pain, it’s not like a I broke a bone or fall from the 5th floor. I’ll just go to the infirmary and kitchen to take some bandage and ice. It’ll be fine!” Jungwoo assured his senior.

Jungwoo never made it to the infirmary.

He didn’t even get to leave the room.

Just as he about to open the door, a wild Lucas appeared slammed the door open, slapping Jungwoo’s face and also sends him flying to the other side of the room.

“I’M SO SORRY I’M LATE! OH MY GOSH THERE IS A PERSON! I’M SO SORRY! MY NAME IS WONG YUKHEI OR HUANG XUXI YOU CAN CALL ME LUCAS! DID I HURT YOU? OF COURSE I DID IT! I’M SORRY I’LL PAY THE HOSPITAL BILLS! PLEASE YOU CAN HURT ME BACK JUST PROMISE ME THAT YOU FORGIVE ME! OH MY GOSH THIS IS MY FRIST DAY AND I ALREADY MADE TROUBLE EVERYONE WILL HATE ME! ALSO MY KOREAN IS BAD DON’T AT ME! I’M SO SORRY LAST NIGHT I COULDN’T SLEEP BECAUSE I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT MY FIRST DAY IN NCT ACADEMY! I MAY PROBABLY LOOK AMATEUR I ACTUALLY AUDITION WITH MODEL POSES I DON’T KNOW WHY THEY ACCCEPTED ME AND JUST TALENTLESS VISUAL BUT I TRAINED HARD SO I CAN BE HERE PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME I’LL WORK HARD I HOPE WE CAN WORK TOGETHER!”

Everyone, who was still recovering from Jungwoo’s tattoo, now is having another PTSD after Lucas’s enter to the room.

Nobody talked. Horrified, shook, no words can escape their mouth.

Taeyong, mentally and physically facepalming, questioned himself why he actually wanted to enroll in this school where everyone shares the same braincell including him.

Jaehyun, grateful for Jungwoo’s guilty as he will not get hit by Lucas

Doyoung, stands stiff, suffers from second-hand embarrassment.

Mark, hoping he would get a same age friend, suddenly regrets his wish.

Winwin, calmly watches the drama.

While Jungwoo tried to get up, he realized that the boy’s word is the one that was marked on his hand just right before this incident happened. Jungwoo looked up to Lucas’s eyes, shocked that his meant to be soulmate, is right in front of him. Right now.

Lucas, guilty of what just happened, kneeled down, giving his right hand to his victim, trying to lift him. “Are you okay?”. Jungwoo look to his eyes, he immediately blurted out, “Uh, hi?”.

Lucas finally noticed why his hand stings. He saw his hands, read the small serif font word on his hand. His eyes immediately lit up. He look to Jungwoo. “This, this, this could not be-ah I’m so sorry”

Jungwoo saw the nervousness and guilt on his face, he just smiled. Ah he’s kinda cute.

“It’s okay. I’m Jungwoo. You must be Xuxi.”

Lucas blushed hard. What did I do to deserve this cinnamon roll.

“Ah yes,” Lucas brushed his hair, trying to hide his flushed face out of embarrassment. “I must be so embarrassing, am I?”

“People make mistake, that’s normal,” Jungwoo tucked some of Lucas’s hair behind his ear. This doesn’t help Lucas as his face turned much more red.

“Ahem, I’m sorry to interrupt your destined meeting, but please, get a room. And also, we have a meeting for our first big project,” The other five stand in unison, breaking their moment.

Jungwoo and Lucas looked up to them, still embarrassed, laughed out.

“Hey, you might be new, but it’s okay, we’ll take care of you!” Jungwoo reached out his right arm to Lucas. Lucas, realizing that his days are gonna be much better, grabbed his arm and smiled.

“Yeah, especially when my ‘meant to be’ is next to me”

[hufflepuff-ravenclaw-reviews]

Discovery of Witches Season 1 Episode 1

Yes, this is the TV series based off of that horrible book trilogy. People who follow my book blog will remember that I snarked it and had the absolute worst time.

Forget the Fifty Shades... sextet (It's a sextet now, not a trilogy). The All Souls Trilogy is, hands down, the absolute worst thing that I have ever had the misfortune to read.

But Ravenclaw, if you hated the book so much, why did you watch even one episode of the TV series?

All me curious, I suppose.

Going into the episode, my opinion is already pretty rock bottom. I'm expecting a lot of padding, if only because the book was 90% unnecessary bullshit that literally anybody should have told Harkness to cut out.

When they first announced that they were making the series, I joked with my friends that half of the TV show was just going to be Diana disassociating for half an hour as she stared at a sconce and explained how this light fixture once belonged to Henry VIII or whatever. BECUASE THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENS IN THE BOOK.

However, the TV series, as you might imagine, takes some... er... liberties. Already in the first episode, characters are introduced differently, and new POVs are introduced as well. If only because... No, Harkness. We don't want to see Diana dramatically pushing down the lever on the toaster. JFC why.

The show starts off pretty much like in the book: Meet Diana Bishop, who has a doctorate in magical history. She's a witch, but she's not very good at it.

In the book, especially right in the beginning before Harkness figured out what the fuck she was doing, Diana's magic waffled between “I WANT TO BE HUMAN SO I REFUSE TO USE MAGIC!!” and “I AM SHIT AT MAGIC SO I TRY TO AVOID DOING IT WHENEVER POSSIBLE.”

However, right off the bat, Diana talks with her friend, Jillian, and says that she has a lot of lingering PTSD from her parents being murdered because of their magic. Which is fair.

And it's also way more character development than Diana got in literally 15000 pages of trash Harkness wrote.

Diana calls up the famed Ashmole 742 (or as I took to calling it “Asshole 747”), of which the entire series revolves around.

See, literally every magical creature thinks that this book is somehow the answer to all of their problems. They all want it because they think that it's going to share the secrets of how they came to be. And they don't want the other magical species to get their hands on it because they think that the secrets inside will tell the other species how to destroy them.

And as I write this, I think to myself “There can be no winners in a scenario like this. Just mutual destruction over a fucking book.” But whatever.

Oh, and in case you need to be caught up, there are three magical species: witches, vampires, and daemons. I'm using the spelling from the book, because, in my mind, they were not the same thing as “demons”. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the book went out of its way to assure us that “daemons” had not crawled up from hell, etc etc. In fact, I even pronounced it like “day-mons”. The series, however, seems to think that “daemon” and “demon” would be too confusing, and has resorted back to just plain old demon.

First off... let me express my discomfort over the entire library scene. Diana goes in, tells the guy at the desk that she wants such and such books and gives him the call slips. He sends the slips down to where the really old books are stored. And it's interesting to see. But then the lady goes and she just... “Lol, here's this book! And let me grab this other book.” She stacks them up on her chest like they weren't four-plus centuries old. And if we were talking about copies of Harry Potter or whatever, I don't think that I would give two shits. BUT THESE ARE OLD, PRICELESS, ONE OF A KIND BOOKS. AND SHE'S TREATING THEM LIKE THEY'RE 98TH EDITIONS OF HARRY POTTER.

And then the guy goes over to give them to Diana, and he's like “Well, here you go.” and just kind of... tosses them onto her workspace. And Diana starts to look at the Asshole 747.

And not a single person handles any of these books with gloves, either. Diana even touches these old pages with her bare hands, which can't possibly be good for the pages or ink. And in one scene, she even forcefully rips a page apart from the one below it, which had sort of become stuck with the ink.

WHY.

Anyway, as Diana actually looks at the book, it's a very interesting special effect as all of the words swirl around on the page.

However, true to the book, Diana freaks out and quickly returns the book. However, unlike in the book, Diana thinks that she sees her father, and she has a complete and utter panic attack over the entire thing.

She later calls her aunt, who is more angry that Diana returned what is clearly a dangerous magical item rather than to investigate further... Rather than the obvious fact that it's clear that Diana is spiraling into some kind of psychosis what with seeing her father and having nightterrors.

Because priorities.

Also much like in the book, all of the magical species in the area were somehow alerted to Diana calling up the book. And I'm willing to let it slide, if only because MAGIC.

Jillian kicks off her subplot by her telling the head of the local coven about this. The head then calls up the witchy president, who's some old fat guy and I cannot remember his name for the life of me. He also brings along Satu. We were rather rudely introduced to Satu as old fat guy went to get her in Finland. And she murdered the random human that the old fat guy brought along with him.

HAHAHA, BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS 'I WANT YOU TO RULE ME' QUITE LIKE STARTING OFF YOUR REIGN BY MURDERING PEOPLE. HAHAHAHAHAHA /sarcasm

However, as this is likely going to be a long series (if it goes the full length of the books and isn't canceled in the meantime, which maybe it will be if the rest of the episodes are this awkward with clunky dialogue as this first episode), then Jillian's plot is just kicking off. We don't spend much time on it.

However, we do introduce Marcus, who is Matthew's vampire son. (Not to be confused with a biological son. They're vampires, for fuck's sake.) Marcus's friend was hit by a car, and he died almost instantly. Marcus felt bad about the entire thing and tried to turn his friend, only for the vampire mojo to not work at all.

Later, Matthew picks Marcus up from the police station, and completely reams Marcus out for... trying to help his friend. It's a head scratcher, but don't linger too much on it.

Matthew is, however, insanely insistent that the answers to why they suddenly cannot create any new vampires lies in Asshole 747.

So, he starts to literally stalk Diana. And, granted. This is very accurate to how things were in the book. Except, Diana was kind of like “Oh no, he's hot!” about the entire thing. We never saw what Matthew was thinking, because the books were written from Diana's first person POV. But... in the TV series, he comes off less like a smarter and more mature Edward Cullen and more like... Hannibal Lecter. Yeah, you trust him a little if only because he's good looking and smart. But at the same time, you're getting some seriously creepy “He's going to cut out my spleen and put it in soup and feed me the soup before he kills me for real.” vibes from him. Ugh.

It's the complete opposite of romantic, if you ask me. At least the Twilight movies tried to make Edward look like not the kind of person who breaks into a girl's bedroom to watch her sleep. With Discovery of Witches, no such attempt to de-creep-ify Matthew is ever made.

All in all, the episode seemed to drag on forever. Too many subplots were introduced too quickly. The dialogue was clunky and it felt overly forced. Especially from Diana. The actual academic side of the episode was so cringy that I literally wanted to cry and write an angry letter to whoever the fuck wrote this bullshit.

But, the simple fact that it's really, REALLY hard to talk about a pencil for three pages or bricks or the dorm where Diana's staying or her fucking hairbrush means that half of what made the All Souls Trilogy so unbelievably unbearable is instantly cut for more actual plot.

It wasn't nearly as horrible as I was expecting. And I'm as surprised as you are. I've seen way worse things. And the fact that I kind of want to see the second episode just to see where they're going to take this vs how the book was is always a good sign for a show.

Especially one as awful as All Souls Trilogy was.  

[lolsexonthebeach]

My girlfriend wanted me to do these and also I really wanted to do these

1. Coffee or tea?

Usually coffee, but I won’t say no to green tea. Like, ever.

2. Black and white or color?

Used to be black and white but I’m starting to like colors again. Oh my god, I sound like a really cringy goth kid.

3. Drawings or paintings?

Drawings. I loved whenever my girlfriend would sketch things on our coffee dates.

4. Dresses or skirts?

Dresses. Love love love when @organiclavender wears dresses :)

5. Books or movies?

Honestly, books more recently. I haven’t seen a good movie in awhile.

6. Pepsi or Coke?

Pepsi, I drank enough coke as a child to make a 500lb McDonald’s frequenter gasp.

7. Chinese or Italian?

This is a very evil question. I guess Chinese, I feel like it’s easier to find a hole-in-the-wall place serving bomb Chinese than it is to find a decent Italian restaurant that sells something other than Spaghetti and one meatball.

8. Early bird or night owl?

Is it possible to be both? Kinda like waking up early now, but I love midnight silence.

9. Chocolate or vanilla?

That’s racist.

10. Introvert or extrovert?

I am an introvert that pretends to be extroverted so he can pet people’s cats and play their musical instruments

11. Hugs or kisses?

Kisses. Always kisses.

12. Hunting or fishing?

This is probably a typical answer, but I really don’t like the idea of murdering something helpless for fun (Even though I fucking love guns lmao). Fishing is probably not much less cruel, but it’s so relaxing, man. 

13. Winter or summer?

Well, summer rhymes with bummer. 

Nah. Love the cold.

14. Spring or fall?

Fall. Such a spooky season.

15. Rural or urban?

It really depends on where lol. I love getting lost in the woods, but there’s no Wi-Fi out there lmao

16. PC or Mac?

Macs are literally overpriced Linux computers that take everything good about Linux and throw it the fuck away.

17. Tan or pale?

Pale <3

18. Cake or pie?

I will eat the FUCK out of some pecan pie.

19. Ice cream or yogurt?

I’m not an annoying hipster that lies about enjoying fermented milk so iced cream for me

20. Ketchup or mustard?

Ketchup, but mustard is growing on me lately. Like, go get some spicy brown mustard from Walmart and put that shit on a sandwich with pepper jack and roast beef and tell me there’s not a God.

21. Sweet pickles or dill pickles?

Sweet pickles are the 2nd most disgusting thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. The first is my brother’s penis. What was weirder was finding out that he wasn’t really my brother.

22. Comedy or mystery?

I feel like most comedies these days are different iterations of “WEIRD SEX SCENES AND AFFAIRS AND ALSO HERE’S SOME BOOBS” so mystery

23. Boots or sandals?

Well, if Doc Marten made some flippy flops... Nah, boots.

24. Silver or gold?

Silver. Looks way classier to me for some reason.

25. Pop or Rock?

DEATH METAL

26. Dancing or singing?

I can’t do either, I’m a white boy.

27. Checkers or chess?

My girlfriend will attest to the fact that I used to literally stay awake for hours playing chess on my phone

28. Board games or video games?

I love the videa.

29. Wine or beer?

I am answering this question with a hangover. Please die.

30. Freckles or dimples?

Both will equally melt my heart.

31. Honey mustard or BBQ sauce?

I live in Texas, so BBQ sawz

32. Body weight exercises or lifting weights?

Weights. I notice better results doing shit with dumbbells and stuff than I do just doing pushups and shit.

33. Baseball or basketball?

I refer you to the answer of question 26.

34. Crossword puzzles or sudokus?

Do I look like a 40 year old wife that likes to disturb her husband’s peace in the morning

35. Facial hair or clean shaven?

I assume this is asking about on other people, but facial hair if I’m trying to go to a bar and I don’t feel like getting carded, clean shaven if I want some love from @organiclavender

36. Crushed ice or cubed ice?

Ice^3

37. Skiing or snowboarding?

Snowboarding. 

38. Smile or game face?

I usually try to smile but apparently I have resting bitch face a lot

39. Bracelet or necklace?

I’ll rock both, yo.

40. Fruit or vegetables?

Both, my girlfriend has been forcing me to eat healthier and omg I’m actually starting to like things that aren’t baked in an asbestos lined oven with ingredients grown from failed cloning experiments and formaldehyde

41. Sausage or bacon?

Bausage.

42. Scrambled or fried?

This is a tough one. As long as there’s a shit ton of cheese somewhere in there, I’ll eat either.

43. Dark chocolate or white chocolate?

Darkolate.

44. Tattoos or piercings?

Have both, want more of both. I seriously miss my nose ring.

45. Antique or brand new?

Antique, but my girlfriend is scared of old things because she won’t stop watching Paranormal Survivor.

46. Dress up or dress down?

I have no idea what this means. I clearly am not the target demographic of this questionnaire.

47. Cowboys or aliens?

I was going to say both, but then I remembered it’s that kind of thinking that made Cowboys and Aliens with Daniel CRAYGE happen.

48. Cats or dogs?

I love woofers but I absolutely adore cats.

49. Pancakes or waffles?

Fucking WAFFLES.

50. Bond or Bourne?

I’ve been a Bond fan since I was old enough to be sentient

51. Sci-Fi or fantasy?

Both. Massive Sci-Fi fan but I love anything to do with fantasy things.

52. Numbers or letters?

Symbols!

53. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings?

LORD OF THE POTTER

54. Fair or theme park?

I love fairs. There’s always a hint of “holy shit I might die” that just adds to the rickety experience of riding a roller coaster set up in literally a day.

55. Money or fame?

Money. I’d much rather buy people shit than sign autographs.

56. Washing dishes or doing laundry?

Neither. Shit is so lame. Hate both equally.

57. Snakes or sharks?

Sneks r cool

58. Orange juice or apple juice?

Apple Juice. I’ve been craving some since I woke up.

59. Sunrise or sunset?

Sunset.

60. Slacker or over-achiever?

I have bursts of both, which likely means I have some kind of serious mental disorder

:D

61. Pen or pencil?

Pens. There’s a weird quality to ink that I’ve always loved.

62. Peanut butter or jelly?

I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who ate straight jelly lmao

63. Grammys or Oscars?

Do I look like a bored, lonely housewife?

64. Detailed or abstract?

Both. Absolutely both.

65. Multiple choice questions or essay questions?

When I didn’t entirely hate school, I loved essay questions. Multiple choice is now my favorite.

66. Adventurous or cautious?

Literally both.

67. Saver or spender?

I’m both lol. Sometimes I won’t spend a dime and then other times I’ll buy some fucking copper silverware on amazon because “It looks cool”.

68. Glasses or contacts?

Depends on the person. I think my girlfriend looks adorable in hers, I can’t seem to have them without shattering them.

69. Laptop or desktop?

Desktop.

70. Classic or modern?

Classic.

71. Personal chef or personal fitness trainer?

I would literally kill for someone to get me off of my ass and into a gym more often.

72. Internet or cell phone?

I feel like those two are synonymous now.

73. Call or text?

If it’s my girlfriend, call. If it’s literally anyone else, text.

74. Curly hair or straight hair?

I think girls with curly hair are the absolute cutest thing ever.

75. Shower in the morning or shower in the evening?

Evening showers make me happy.

76. Spicy or mild?

I will forever shovel spicy things in my mouth until my stomach screams at me and I need to throw up on the poor waitress asking me if I’m okay.

77. Marvel or DC?

I am weirdly not into comics.

78. Paying a mortgage or paying rent?

Dude, if I could afford a house in any possible way, there’s no way in hell I would ever live in an apartment again.

79. Sky dive or bungee jump?

I really wanna sky dive. Loved bungee jumping.

80. Oreos or Chips Ahoy?

WHAT IF THEY MADE BOTH 

81. Jello or pudding?

Pudding

82. Truth or dare?

You’re not even trying anymore.

83. Roller coaster or Ferris wheel?

Roller coaster!

84. Leather or denim?

I rock both yo.

85. Stripes or solids?

SOLIDS

86. Bagels or muffins?

Bagels, omfg. I’m like craving a garlic and poppy seed bagel right now. Wiff some creme chez.

87. Whole wheat or white?

My girlfriend hates me so I’m not allowed to eat white bread anymore.

88. Beads or pearls?

ANAL BEADS

89. Hardwood or carpet?

Hardwood. I finally moved into an apartment with wood floors and omg it’s so nice. Only thing that sucks is when it’s cold you mos def need socks.

90. Bright colors or neutral tones?

Neutral. I like colors too, I’m just a weird goth boy.

91. Be older than you are or younger than you are?

Older, with a job that doesn’t suck. I wanna be out of college.

92. Raisins or nuts?

Raisins are gross. I love cashews tho

93. Picnic or nice restaurant?

Nice restaurant. One of my favorite dates with my girlfriend is finding cool nice places to grab some food at :)

94. Black leather or brown leather?

Black ‘till I die.

95. Long hair or short hair?

Both. I’m not picky :)

96. “Ready, aim, fire” or “Ready, fire, aim”?

I’m imaging the second choice is what half of the dudes at the range I used to go to into Austin took.

97. Fiction or non-fiction?

Fiction. Non-Fiction is boring.

98. Smoking or non-smoking?

I’m not allowed to smoke anymore.

:’(

99. Think before you talk or talk before you think?

I definitely do both.

100. Asking questions or answering questions?

Both yo!