#i do one big boy thing and now ive had 2 anxiety/panic attacks and a decently consistent stressed induced low grade fever

[captain-krow-drozdov]

I Would Like To Sleep But Unfortunately My Body/Brain Would Like Me To Know That: The Danger Is Now Doom Is Impending Sort Your Affairs While You Still Can God Has Not Looked Upon This Planet With Kindness In Its Eyes In Eons And Its Wrath Is Now. So Im Gonna Go Play Video Games Instead.

[jupiterswlrd]

Spectacular- mark lee

mark never intended on getting bit by a spider on his was home in the subway, he also never intended on saving you from falling in front of the moving train car either. it was all just some sort of sick coincidence. mark had never believed in super powers, yeah what he saw on TV and comics book was cool but it was never realistic. ‘someone just can’t magically change over night’ he thought to himself all the time.

that was, until it happened to him. after his little run in with you he went home and took a nap, shook up a bit on how well his grip on your jacket was, almost like his hands were stuck to you. ‘crazy...’ he chuckled drifting off to sleep. when he woke up his found his upper part of he bunk covered in spider webs.

“ew” he said quietly trying not to wake his roommate haechan up. ‘maybe if hyuck would be a cleaner we wouldn’t have this issue’ mark struggled to sit up something making him stick to his bed. he flopped all around his bed, webs confining his arms to the bed. he finally broke one and somehow tripped off of his bunk. he prepared for his body to hit the ground but something caught him. a string of webs wrapped around his ankle and attached the top bunk. he was confused, but he was mostly relieved. “mark?....” haechan opened his eyes wondering why he saw his roommate dangling from what seemed to be the ceiling. with that the web snapped causing mark to fall on his head.

“dude...” haechan observed mark like he was some foreign species. “did you do that?” he pointed to the the webs covering marks bunk. “n-no!?!?” mark looked at the younger boy like he was out of his mind “do i look like a spider to you?” haechan stared at him for a long minute. “...there’s a fucking web growing out of your wrist right now....”

“HUH?” mark flung his hand somewhere, flinching in a way. haechan grunted loudly his head banging aganist the wall. his body was taped to the wall with one big web. “MARK” he yelled in amazement and extreme pain and discomfort. “I promise i didn’t do that....” mark didn’t know what to do with his hands, he stuck them in the pockets of his shorts fearing himself and what he’d do. haechan eventually broke free, examining the web pattern closely. He had a thing for spiders.

“this is completely unique...your webs have a little M in them. we should take to these y/n, you know shes a science freak” mark completely shut down at the thought of you seeing him shoot webs out of hands. what if you thought he was some kind of freak? “THATS NOT AN OPTIO-“ then you walked into their dorm room, unannounced and unwarranted. “i heard my name from outside the hallway, why are you all so l—“ you were confused to see that mark was no where to be found. “uhhh?? i thought i heard marks voice”

“you di—“ haechan did a double take “oh haha, yeah we were on the phone he’s in the bathroom— he got stuck in the toilet”

haechan shoved you out the room nervously. “yeah so y/n, we’ll see you in class okay?” once you were successfully pushed out the room, mark was sitting with his legs crossed his head in his hands. “bro what the fuck was that?” haechan slammed the door and locked it. “what was what?”

“i don’t know your little disappearing ac— YOU CAN TURN INVISIBLE”

“haechan are you on drugs? you have to be on drugs only people with POWERS can do that and that’s not possible be—“

haechan clamped a hand over marks mouth.

“dude you’ve done the impossible for like 2 hours now, you have powers” the younger boy slid on his shoes and grabbed his jacket. “where are you going?” mark asked laying back down. “you mean where are WE going” he threw marks slides at his head.

“we’re gonna go see what you can do.”

mark and haechan went out to a abandoned parking lot. haechan was good at making something out of nothing figuratively and quite literally. “okay mark pick up that big ass tire over there” mark walked over to it, absentmindedly picking it up “this one?”

haechan pulled a clipboard out his backpack “okay superstrength...check”

after many trials and errors. mark and donghyuck found out that he was very agile, very fast, and very sticky. mark couldn’t go 3 seconds with out sticking to something.

as mark and haechan were walking back to the dorms, mark heard something his ears turned up as he looked around. “do you hear that?” mark pulled his hoodie up and walked a bit faster. “no what do you hear? is everything oka—“ mark took off running in the opposite direction past the parking lot, leaving his backpack and a confused Lee Donghyuck behind him.

mark turned the corner the feeling that was rushing through his body, it was more than adrenaline it was like an itch that so desperately needed to be scratched. he had to find out what that noise was. he found himself in the subway again. the same place his was now 24 hours ago. his head was now spinning the same place he was bitten now stinging more than ever.

his balance was off and his body felt weak. mark blinked harshly, the itch slowly fading away. but everything was fading away he slipped into darkness, passing out on the grimy new york subway floor.

“mark” a familiar voice called out to him. “yes y/n?” he responded, a swirl of neon colors surrounded him, his skin was no longer slightly tan it was neon red with some swirls of blue. he was still in the subway but it was empty. dead silent his own thoughts, and spiders the only things in the station. you were in the form a beautiful pink tarantula crawling all over marks body.

“you know what you have to do right?”

“what do i have to do?”

“save new york” you brushed against his cheek lovingly “save our friends, save me, and most of all” you had somehow reappeared in front of him crawling down from her own line of webs. “save yourself.”

“how do i do that?”

“22nd street my love”

mark heard that laugh he always loved to hear, then a sharp pain in his arm again.

“FUCK” he yelled when he woke up, surprised to see that it wasn’t the “pink tarantula” that hit him, but an IV going into the underside of his wrist.

“calm down mr.lee it’s okay, you had quite a scare there” a nurse rubbed his forehead “anything i can get you? some water? some juice you had a pretty bad panic attack there”

mark sighed

‘how am i supposed to save new york with anxiety?’

☀︎☂︎☀︎☂︎

“hyuck” mark said as they walked home from the hospital. “yeah?” he responded taking one of his headphones out his ear. “have you ever been to 22nd street?” haechan shrugged “yeah i’ve been by there, it’s nothing but some apartments...why?”

“i think we have to go there”

that piqued haechan interest, not in a good way though. “you’re not tired i mean...i know you have super stamina but you just had such a bad anxiety attack you passed out” he blinked “i don’t see how you’re not exhausted, fuck— even IM exhausted” mark shrugged and walked in the other direction in hopes to catch a bus, “you coming?”

“so am i like your agent or something” haechan said smacking on the lunchable from his backpack loudly, so loud that mark couldn’t even hear himself think. between the homeless people, the bucket drum line, haechan obnoxious chewing, mark couldn’t hear himself think. “OKAY JUST SHUT UP” he snapped, all attention on him. “oh— uh not you guys i—“ mark quickly became flustered looking at haechan for some help. “OH— uhhh, my friend here has a disorder. sorry about that” haechan rubbed mark on the back, watching as heads turned back to what the were doing. “thank god” mark sighed in relief as they reached their stop. “i feel something...” the same ringing in his ears was back, becoming quieter as he walked in different directions dragging haechan in zigzags along with him

finally, mark and haechan arrived at their “destination”. all it appeared to be was just a regular apartment building. “what the fuck?” mark huffed slamming his fists aganist the wall, accidentally triggering something.

the small alley way they were in between revealed a door, the two boys looked at each other in pure amazement as they jumped through. “what is this?” mark said in awe staring down the walls. “don’t touch anything” an older man said swatting his hand away “you’re the new guy?” he looked mark up and down “the standards must be in hell”

“hi nice to meet you too!” mark sarcastically said. “i didn’t ask.” the man simply replied. “follow me though.” the boys did as they were told. “i believe that we were all put on this earth for one reason, to wreck havoc and help when havoc wrecks things” the older man laughed at his own terrible joke. “that’s why some people their genetic code is different, they’re products of some very expensive experiments, and my favorite” he chuckled “wrong place right time”

“so where do i fall?” mark wondered out loud. “the third one sweetheart” the older man bent down into a mini fridge and got out something to drink. “so basically what i’m saying kid.” he slurped it loudly in marks ears “help when havoc wrecks, whenever it does”with the snap of fingers, haechan and mark were back home and mark was dressed in a red and blue spandax suit. a black spider embroidered on the chest. “bro? you look—“ mark raised a brow, thinking he was still in his regular clothes. “you look like an actual superhero!” haechan danced around the room. “i do?” he stepped infront of the mirror “oh— I DO”

“what should i call myself. tarantula boy?—no too weird spider boy? no too immature”

“spider-man” haechan suggested

“spider-man...” mark said to himself in the mirror.

“i guess i’m spider man...”

[keilemlucent]

lavender latte: viii

(M (for now!)

hawks | takami keigo x reader

ao3

chapter 1   ||   chapter 2  ||   chapter 3   ||  chapter 4   ||   chapter 5   ||  chapter 6   ||  chapter 7  ||  chapter 9  ||

masterlist

word count: ~4.7k

realities, huh. 

warnings: descriptions of blood and bodily injury, post-traumatic symptoms, panic/anxiety attacks 

----

oof. wow. here it is, part one of the BIG boy chapter. please mind the warnings on this one!! trauma and post-traumatic symptoms are a big theme in this chapter and the next. 

as an author, these have been some of the harder, more vulnerable chapters to create and i hope that the writing shows this  :’’’^) all that said, enjoy :’^) 

|||||||||||||||

Keigo was fucked up.

Or he had fucked up.

It was hard to tell the specifics of his predicament, considering how hard he’d hit his head.

 ‘Hawks’ was known for his speed, his skill, and his ability to finish fights off before they even had a chance to truly start. He prided himself on his prowess, the product of his own diligence and meticulous training. Normally, Keigo kept to these high standards without fail and with faltering. 

On the rare occasion he did get injured, it was usually simple scrapes or bruises.

Except, sometimes time, his shortcomings created much more than scratches. 

 His left arm was twisted the wrong way, wrenched from its socket. His skull ached, hair sticking to the back of his neck and cold.

Keigo blinked slowly, vision tilting and blurry against the asphalt he’d crashed onto. He’d sent his feathers to finish off what was left of the fight, knowing that he was, bodily, down for the count.

It hadn’t started as a large fight, notably. It shouldn’t have gotten so bad. The first alert he’d received just made it seem like petty burglary. Quickly after arriving on the scene, it escalated into an entire firefight spanning several blocks. 

He’d been one of the first heroes there, naturally. It wasn’t hard to disarm and pin most of the villains down, but quickly, things got out of hand. Figures forming from the afternoon’s shadows, quickly turning the simple de-escalation into an all-out brawl. 

Keigo pushed himself from the filthy ground, coughing up spittle and blood on the blacktop below. It wasn’t from an internal injury, he knew, just a bitten tongue and cheek that made the drippings of his mouth pink and cloudy. 

He sat up, forcing himself to his feet as more heroes arrived, finishing the job out of sheer numbers. Mentally, he cursed his mistakes and his stupor. The media circus and bureaucratic bullshit he was undoubtedly going to have to deal with made him audibly groan. Keigo could handle pain without question, but his least favorite parts of his job were the nuts and bolts of it all.

 Maybe it was the head trauma or the fact he’d just gotten sloppy lately, but Keigo didn’t even notice the oddly large amount of shattered glass at the scene or the shadows that loomed and weaved without rest nearby, though they never moved to the offensive. 

...

You sat on your couch, boot propped up (as usual), and a pillow hugged in your arms. 

Typically, you weren’t one to watch the news, but the moment you’d seen the alert from your phone about ‘large scale villain attack- Hawks and Miruko on the scene!, you’d rushed to turn on any channel that had coverage.

Which, creating a sense of dread in your gut, was most of them.

You watched the varying camera angles of the fight, squeezing the pillow tightly in your arms like the pressure would comfort you.

 The fear and terror was such a contrast to the absolute bliss of the first couple of weeks of you and Keigo’s relationship.

During that time, your text-based communication hardly changed, still ambiently throughout the day and including the exchange of many memes and well-placed photographs and selfies. 

The messages had changed, somewhat, truth be told. There was a sweetness to it, soft, warm, and new. The bantering never stopped, but woven within each of your words were small, tender lines that were new to you both.

Wonderfully new.

You found that Keigo was particularly affectionate over text, but it was nothing compared to him in-person.

You hadn’t really expected him to be clingy. Not based on the way he texted and talked previously and how he was generally portrayed by the public.

But god, was he.

He came over several other nights, always bearing food, drinks, and a bright smile. He wouldn’t even think of settling for the evening in the comfort of your couch (or bed) until you’d been showered in kisses and teasing touches, always seeming hungry, maybe even starved. 

He was careful, however, to never go too far or touch too much. 

When you two would finally settle on the couch, usually finding yourself strewn over each other in some way, Keigo would continue heaping on affection in any way he could, subtle or otherwise. You returned the gestures, giving your own too.

You craved the heat of his body in the same way he hungered for yours. 

You found that, as the nights would wear on, he tended to slip his rough hands under any top you might be wearing, settling his grip on your sides or back. He’d either press and massage, or just ambiently draw shapes. At first, you thought it was some sort of sexual preamble, expecting his touch to drift higher and hungrier.

 It took you a night or two of it to realize it wasn’t like that at all— 

Keigo just craved contact.

It all made sense, though your revelation surprised you a bi at first. 

One night, with his head in your lap, you had simply hummed out, “I never thought you’d be touch-starved.”

Keigo hummed as you ran your nails around the shell of his ear, “Mind elaborating on that one?”

“You’re always touching me when we’re together,” You replied simply, heart squeezing at the little twinges of anxiety you could see forming around Keigo’s eyes. “Not that it's a bad thing— I really love all of it, it’s just sweet. I didn’t think you’d be so affectionate and touchy. I would dare to say, it's cute.”

That comment turned Keigo’s cheeks bright red, though you hardly got much of a chance to tease him about it before he was on you with another wave of soft kisses and squeezes.

Maybe, you were a little touch-starved yourself.

And definitely, surely, falling into each other simply and sweetly felt like heaven. 

 ...

 But all of that syrupy goodness was gone, the flavor of it stale and rotten.

All you could focus on was your TV screen as Hawks was being pulled from an alleyway. The camera angle was poor, the quality shaky, but the picture was clear as day to you.

Keigo was walking, barely, most of his weight bared into Miruko’s side. He looked half-dead when he first emerged, limbs twisted painfully and face downcast.

He brightened up a moment later. You weren’t even sure that anyone would’ve caught the change in his expression if they didn’t know him as intimately as you did.

 Your chest tightened painfully when he gave his most dashing smile, pearly white teeth stained with blood that was rushing from a wide cut on his forehead. The juxtaposition of him being purely fucked up mixed with the shining expressions he was flashing at the media made your stomach churn with dread.

He’s hurt.

And it seems bad.

You chewed your bottom lip until it ached. 

The newscast kept playing, showing the wreckage of the scene, all of the hurt civilians— it was a few cities over, but you swore you could hear the sirens just outside of your window.

You dug around for your phone, typing out a message to Keigo, fingers shaking as you did.

 [you]: hey i saw about the attack? how are you doing?

 Texting him was the bare minimum, wasn’t it? If you could, you’d call. But based on the way he was reported to have been taken to a nearby hospital, he wouldn’t be answering his phone any time soon. 

It didn’t feel like enough, but what more could you do?

You felt uncomfortably powerless.

A very lucid, perhaps cruel part of your mind rang out amid your quiet panic:

Get used to it.

 You fell back into the cushions, unable to turn off the screen, though unable to do anything other than watch and churn. 

 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

 Keigo didn’t have a great recollection of the day's events after sustaining his fairly significant head injury, not to mention the shattering of the bones in his right arm and a few in his left leg. Not to mention his sorely dislocated shoulder. 

Pain blotted things out memory, he knew.

Hospital trips were few and far between for Keigo, but in the unfortunate circumstance he was stuck and strung up with wires and IV tubes, he was more than well taken care of. 

He was aware, somewhat, of the Commission’s hold on the scruff of his neck, though complacent in it. His good attitude and impeccable, nearly-perfect performance earned him the best medical care they could provide. 

Some sweet girl, a student from the west, was brought in to heal his wounds. Healing quirks of any significance were rare, so it was always interesting to see how they worked and manifested.

The girl’s quirk came at the price of any energy his body had, but he was completely patched up in a number of minutes. Fatigue be damned, he was happy to be quickly and easily put back together. He made sure to put on his best camera-ready smile as the girl traced symbols on the backs of his hands, fingers shaking and shyly smiling.

She was probably starstruck, all things considered. Meanwhile, Keigo was exhausted and out of it.

All through it, all of it, the actual fight and subsequent medical nightmare, he had slipped into a far different mindset than the one he’d been occupying for the last couple of weeks. 

Consequently, he hadn’t thought of you at all. 

You didn’t even cross his mind. 

Keigo could’ve blamed it on hitting his head, but that wouldn’t be entirely fair or truthful. 

All the same, the absence would burn later. 

...

Keigo flashed a dopey smile to the door of his hospital room when he spotted a familiar puff of bright yellow hair. 

Despite his stupor, familiarity still resonated. Besides, his PA stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the greyscale scrubs and antiseptic. 

“Akane! I knew you’d never be far in my time of need,” Keigo relaxed against the hospital bed he was still resigned to. He was to be discharged as soon as possible for the bevy of press reports he would had to complete. Not to mention the mountains of paperwork he’d probably have to file and sign. 

Akane kept a stern but humored expression as she shooed a nurse out of Keigo’s room. She was shorter than most, face cut with sharp angles and high ridges. They were dressed immaculately as always, a well-tailored black suit with crisp-looking dress shoes. All professionalism, trained and honed by the Commission in a similar way to Keigo, though it was implicitly recognized. 

“You’ve got a press conference in thirty with Miruko,” Akane didn’t answer his greeting, though Keigo could tell by their quick nod that it was at least acknowledged. They rolled a small suitcase next to the bed. “Extra hero costume in there. I called your normal hair and makeup, they’ll be in a few minutes after I leave. It’s been a while since you’ve been this injured in a fight, so put on a good show for everyone, won’t you?”

Akane’s sarcasm always brought a smile to his face, contrasting so starkly with their well-pressed hems and seams. 

Keigo quickly sat up, dropping his feet to the cold linoleum below, “Always a show.”

He quickly began to re-robe into his new garments, tired mind returning to its trained roots. 

 ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

 You had been watching the newscast for hours, probably (definitely) against your best interest.

You’d have plenty of time to kick yourself for it later.

You couldn’t stop watching the repetitive footage and bland media, despite the report that ‘Hawks’ was safe, well and receiving treatment. 

Until you saw him, you couldn’t rest—- Or that’s what it felt like, anyway.

The image of him bloodied felt painfully etched into the forefront of your mind. The contours and highlights of Keigo’s wounds were uncomfortably bright and hot, nestled next to swirling images of your own. Uncomfortably vivid sensations and colors of your own stitched-up wounds that once wept blood themselves.

If you steeped in it all too deeply or for too long, your breathing would quicken, memories unbridled in the way they sucked down.

Sweat dripping down your brow, you willed your breath even and slowly despite how you definitely were having trouble handling what you were experiencing. 

As the evening wore into night, you remained wired.

You convinced yourself, despite the thorns that ran deep, you would be able to rest once you saw Keigo well. 

Eventually, there was an announcement for a late press conference, a conclusion to the media frenzy.

You knew you’d stay up for it, no matter how long it took to air. You knew he was fine, it had been confirmed over and over throughout the coverage, but it wasn’t enough.

You just need to see him.

Then you’ll be fine.  

Keigo is fine.

No amount of reassurance comforted you. You were sinking too deeply in your throes, ungrounded and crackling within your own fragile mind. 

The memories of blood and gore and hot, white fear rolled over you, suffocatingly close to how you’d felt less than a month prior. 

On the cold cement floor of the tea shop, you had Keigo’s feather, the knowingness that he would be there.

Yet, now?

You were alone in your dim apartment. 

No Keigo.

No villains.

Just you and your skull. 

 You had to pull yourself back when you felt your quirk begin to activate with your adrenaline, thankful for the low stimulation of your apartment, and the pillow in your arms being exchanged for the plushie Keigo had gifted you. You forced yourself to ground, counting your breaths, and holding yourself together. 

(Maybe the trauma of your own run-in was deeper than you wanted to acknowledge.)

You pushed the thought aside as the live footage of the press conference began. It was better to compartmentalize it all, wasn’t it? Why not shove it back where it was easier to not deal with? You’d get a therapist or something.

If Keigo is okay, you’ll be okay. 

The press conference decor was coated with the diamond insignia of the Public Safety Hero Commission, along with a few sponsors and nearby police departments. Local heroes and police officers sat around microphones with plastic waterbottles, ringing around the focal points of the events:

Keigo and Miruko. 

Seeing him, perfectly in uniform and switched-on didn’t make you feel better.

If anything, it made you feel worse. 

Before everything, when he was just your regular you pined after, you saw and heard of him doing heroic duties all the time.

But, it was different when Keigo was your partner, yet living an entirely different reality from yours. In the safety of your apartment, and formerly the teashop, that line of difference was somewhat blurred, or, it at least appeared to be.

But while Keigo was shiny and dazzling, charismatic and blunt as ever on the stage of the conference, the contrast turned polar. 

As there was a jeer of laughter, Keigo grinning as Miruko clapped a hand on his back, your stomach rolled. 

Seeing him fine and good-as-new wasn’t soothing.

It was like pouring moonshine on a brush fire. 

Every moment of the conference highlighted the separation between the two of you, the feeling of fear and now loss so strongly in your mind, it started to taste like the tannin of a rotten wine . 

The concoction was made even viler as the memories of injuries didn’t fade or falter.

Your chest ached.

 The press conference droned on in front of you, but none of the content of it registered. It was all sickly background noise to your own pains

You pressed the plushie against your stomach, ignoring the phantom stabs of rancid-yellow that traced up your leg from your booted foot. 

...

“From what we can surmise, there’s activity of several different villain groups in this area that are connected. This incident is related.”

...

You were getting to yourself, you had been all evening. The problem was you couldn’t climb out— 

Not if you weren’t honest and self-aware.

Too bad you were actively spiraling away from anything even close to the latter and former. 

...

“There is much we don’t know at this time, but it is clear there must be further investigation into the roots of the attack.”

...

You recognized, even then, that Keigo was going to be in harm's way because of his job, constantly. He was always in danger.

It just felt different, having to see it play out in front of you, isolated from him in all ways except the glimmer he showed the cameras and the gore he bore prior. 

The absences burned. 

 Your gaze moved to your phone, the device still dormant. 

With a thick, sticky swallow, you resigned yourself to sitting back into the cushions of your couch, spiraling and numbing as you had been hours. 

 |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||

 Following the press conference, Keigo had one priority— 

Sleep.

Despite Akane’s nagging that they ‘really needed to talk to him’, Keigo was exhausted after being healed and wanted nothing more than to go home and rest for as long as he could make himself lay still. 

Maybe, he could’ve handled a patrol (if he had had anything significant of his wings left), but he could not stand the idea of dealing with bureaucratic bullshit in his wrung-out state. 

At this admission, Akane sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Fine, but you need to come to the office as soon as possible,” Akane seemed exasperated after such a long evening (now night), of dealing with the attack. “Seriously, or your publicist is going to kick both of our asses.”

Keigo didn’t ponder too far into the topic of whatever Akane needed him for. Far too mentally wiped-out to bother with what was undoubtedly bureaucratic bullshit. 

He rolled his eyes, sending a feather forward to trigger the automatic doors ahead, “I’ll be sure to come in— It’s not like I don’t have a backlog of paperwork to finish.”

“That too,” Akane sighed, pausing outside of the doors, just dimly lit under the lip of the entrance of the building. “Feel better, quick. And please, stay safe.”

Keigo raised an eyebrow, “You know I always am. I’ll see you around tomorrow, bright and early.”

Keigo flew away so quickly, he didn't notice Akane’s pinched expression and set jaw and she waved goodbye. 

 ...

Nearly featherless and on the edge of total exhaustion, Keigo dragged himself back to his penthouse. His mind and body ached, his thoughts messy and disorganized. 

It wasn’t an entirely unfamiliar state, though he didn’t get to it often. 

He had ample training to not get like this. The fuzziness he was clouded by should’ve been tossed aside easily; he blamed his own overcast on the healing he received.

(And, not that he, perhaps, had more on his mind as of late) 

More on his mind meant more to forget. 

It wasn’t until he toweled off from a quick shower that he even looked at his phone. 

It wasn’t until he saw your single text that you even came to his mind.

Keigo called you nearly instantly, jaw going tight.

It made sense that he’d forget, he rationalized. 

The portion of his psyche that was trained to be a hero was the same part that struggled the most with his feelings for you. All of the affection, validation, and deep admiration (and perhaps more) was slowly but surely allowing long-dormant parts of him to awaken— 

Yet, all of the new roots and growth aside, he’d forgotten about you in the chaos of the day. 

Maybe a passing, subconscious twinge in his gut, but otherwise? Nothing. 

A bit of guilt chewed him as the line began to ring. 

 You laid across your couch, curled up with the plushie in your arms. The news reports played like white noise, your mind long having gone to gum and static. You alternated between different horrors of memory and sensation. 

The buzzing and shrill sound of your ringtone made your jump, pulling you from your stupor.

 [birdboy <3] calling...

 You immediately picked up the call.

“Keigo?” You asked, trying to ignore the continual light shaking of your hands. 

“Hey, dove,” His voice was cool and calm. “Sorry, I just saw your message now. I figure you saw all the news, but I’m all good, no worries! How are you?”

Oh.

Was it that easy?

The gears in your skull turned far slower than you wanted them to.

He’s fine, (Y/N).

He’s so unbothered. 

Everything is fine.

You tried to comfort yourself, taking a few methodical breaths.

“Dove? Are you there?”

Get your shit together.

“Yeah, I am.” You shook your head. “I was worried, that’s all. My bad. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“The news really plays things up, huh?” Keigo laughed with a sigh, scratchy from the speaker. “Sorry about the media circus. They like the drama.”

“Uh-huh.” You replied, feeling yourself begin to spin all over again.

Drama.

Dramatics.

...

Calm down.

It wasn’t that simple.

“Hey, dove, are you alright?” Keigo spoke casually from the line. Maybe there was some concern in his tone (or you just wanted there to be). You couldn’t fully tell.

You sank back into the couch, bending your good leg into your chest, “I was just worried, is all. I freaked myself out.”

“I’m sorry about that, angel,” Keigo clicked from the phone. “I don’t get banged up too often. Besides, they always stitch me back together quickly! It’s just like this sometimes.”

“‘It’s just like this sometimes’,” You repeat mechanically, processing so slowly it was painful. Your voice sounded far off— 

You felt like you were drowning.

Why couldn’t you handle seeing him hurt?

It’s part of his job. 

Why does this all feel so bad?

 “Can you come over?” You asked, praying that he’d say yes, and maybe, maybe, you could have your fears be assuaged with some contact. Some support— 

“Sorry, dove, the healer they got for me really drained me,” Keigo yawned from the other side of the line. “I think I’m gonna hit the hay. But, tomorrow is just an office day for me, so I can come by after?”

Your heart sank in your chest, faster and harder than you could try to make yield.

“That works,” You replied, despite how rotten you felt. “Take care, okay? Get some rest.”

You hung up abruptly, not waiting for his reply, and lowering your head.

Tears drip from your eyes, soaking the plushie in your arms as you finally let out the sobs you had been holding back for hours.

 ...

 Despite Keigo’s exhaustion, he knew that the entire phone call was so off. You’d never hung up that quickly before, and you sounded a bit off.

None of it sat right. 

He shot off a kind text or two before knocking out for the night, nodding off just after sending them.

 ...

 You hardly slept. 

You felt like you were being eaten alive as the night wore on and the moon remained high.

It was all metastasized, unchecked. Breathing exercises had stopped cutting it at some point, your own thoughts and methodical actions lost in the soup of it all. 

You ‘rationalized’. 

He’s a fucking hero, he’s going to get hurt. It’s part of the job and you need to get over it.

That doesn’t matter! It’s still terrifying to see someone you care about super injured!

You knew all of that though.

None of it was new.

What was new, and harder to understand, was the storm that had buried itself like a barbed arrow between the two halves of your brain.

The rest of it.

The complex miasma of feelings that were only set off by the events and subsequent feelings you tried to rationalize. 

The mental thunder-cracks kept you tossing and turning, any sleep light and flighty. Your eyes burned and dripped through the entire night, soaking your pillowcase. 

By the time morning light began to shift in from the heavy curtains of your bedroom, you might’ve felt worse than you did the night prior.

Your mouth was dry, tongue tacky, and swollen in your mouth. You forced yourself out of bed, methodically showering despite all of the energy it took with your leg still recovering. 

You felt hazy beyond belief, fatigued, and purely awful.

Quickly, you nested for the day, still damp from your shower and sore from your lack of sleep. Tucking into the couch, you covered yourself with blankets and held the plushie to your chest, not even bothering to turn on the TV.

 Keigo, meanwhile, prepped for his office day. Since his wings were sparse, he made an extra effort for his face. Bit of concealer to brighten his dark circles and smooth out the finer lines around his brow and under his eyes.

It seemed pertinent to cover more, wipe away his anxieties as his gaze flickered to his phone on the countertop of his bathroom.

You’d never responded the night before. You hadn’t said anything— not even giving an indication that you’d seen the message.

Truthfully, now that the drum of the press and his de-facto role had died down, your lack of contact filled him with burning anxiety. 

You two had a habit of texting each other in the mornings, little sweet greetings and the occasional messy selfie that the other adored. Keigo typically woke up earlier than you, but still. 

He gave you a call.

 You robotically picked up on the second ring, hardly looking at your phone and its caller as you held it to your ear, “Hello?”

“Hey, angel!” Keigo’s voice seemed too chipper from the other side of the line. “I just wanted to call and check-in. You just sounded a bit off last night, is all. Are you doing okay?”

“Oh,” You sounded hollow, far-off, and sticky. 

There was a pause, your numbed out psyche far-too slow and miswired to say anything else.

“(Y/N)?” Keigo asked. “Are you there?”

Your name shoved you a bit closer to reality. 

 “Yeah, I am.” You blinked, your name making you twitch, “Sorry, I’m just not feeling well.”

“Awww, since last night too?” Keigo’s wings beat in the background of the call. “Is that why you wanted me to come over?”

Sort of, not really.

Your voice shook as you quickly were losing the will to keep it even, “U-um—”

How do you even explain?

Your quirk spun alive, the feeling of shrapnel and rusted nails running jagged lines down your spine.

You need to be honest.

“I j-just,” You sniffled back tears, though fruitlessly. “I just got really scared.”

You covered your mouth with your hand, holding the phone away from your mouth and praying that Keigo couldn’t hear the muffled sobs you forced to stay in your throat.

 “It’s alright, I’m okay!” He tried to assure you, tensing at the doorway to his balcony. “Everything is totally fine, there’s no reason to be scared.”

You went quiet on the other side of the receiver, all sound muffled and mixed. It made Keigo chew his lip, tightening his grip on the phone.

“I know.” Your voice broke at the same moment as Keigo’s chest tightened. You sounded so hurt. 

It pricked those seldom-used parts of his brain alive. 

It was those weird tingles and shooting bits of cortisol that screamed ‘protect them’. They screamed to life at your distress, hot and bright.

“Dove, are you alright? Are you crying?” Panic seeped into his tone as his feathers rippled from soft to razor-sharp in his instinctual rise. 

“I just got so f-fucking scared,” You choked, voice fizzling on the line. “Keigo, I’m sorry, I just— “

Your voice broke into tears, sobs echoing from the phone.

Keigo’s grip tightened, heart-pounding and feathers vibrating.

He acted before thinking too hard about it. 

“(Y/N), I’m gonna come over, okay? I’ll be there soon,” Keigo assured you, and himself, truthfully as he tore open his balcony door and launched into the sky

 You sputtering out an affirmative as wind-whipped into the receiver. 

Burying your face in your hands, you felt dread weigh you down from the inside out. 

 ||||||||||||||||||||

 ko-fi

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taglist: @thepandapopo @hawksexual @sinclairsamess  @darcia22 @inhalingsoysauce @yee-fxcking-haw @aproperthottie @seasalttrioforever @msgrungie @mia--merc @a-monsters-love @peach-buns-unicorns@amethyst-rose-17 @mega-bastard @an-untamed-rose @ravioliplease @keigosangel @gobestupidelsewhere

(send me an ask if you would like to be added!)

[fans-of-the-damned]

1. What is you middle name?

2. How old are you?

3. What is your birthday?

4. What is your zodiac sign?

5. What is your favorite color?

6. What’s your lucky number?

7. Do you have any pets?

8. Where are you from?

9. How tall are you?

10. What shoe size are you?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

12. What was your last dream about?

13. What talents do you have?

14. Are you psychic in any way?

15. Favorite song?

16. Favorite movie?

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

18. Do you want children?

19. Do you want a church wedding?

20. Are you religious?

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

24. Baths or showers?

25. What color socks are you wearing?

26. Have you ever been famous?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

28. What type of music do you like?

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

32. How big is your house?

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

35. Have you ever tried archery?

36. Favorite clean word?

37. Favorite swear word?

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

39. Do you have any scars?

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

41. Are you a good liar?

42. Are you a good judge of character?

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

44. Do you have a strong accent?

45. What is your favorite accent?

46. What is your personality type?

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

48. Can you curl your tongue?

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

50. Left or right handed?

51. Are you scared of spiders?

52. Favorite food?

53. Favorite foreign food?

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

55. Most used phrased?

56. Most used word?

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

58. Do you have much of an ego?

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

60. Do you talk to yourself?

61. Do you sing to yourself?

62. Are you a good singer?

63. Biggest Fear?

64. Are you a gossip?

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

66. Do you like long or short hair?

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

68. Favorite school subject?

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

71. What makes you nervous?

72. Are you scared of the dark?

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

74. Are you ticklish?

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

77. Have you ever drank underage?

78. Have you ever done drugs?

79. Who was your first real crush?

80. How many piercings do you have?

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

82. How fast can you type?

83. How fast can you run?

84. What color is your hair?

85. What color is your eyes?

86. What are you allergic to?

87. Do you keep a journal?

88. What do your parents do?

89. Do you like your age?

90. What makes you angry?

91. Do you like your own name?

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

94. What are you strengths?

95. What are your weaknesses?

96. How did you get your name?

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

98. Do you have any scars?

99. Color of your bedspread?

100. Color of your room?

Marie

26

June 16

Gemini

Purple, Green, Red, Blue

I don't have one, but even numbers

Yes! Cats!

The US unfortunately after that 🤷

5'5-5'6 I'm tiny

Size 9.5 to 10ish? Maybe 11 depending on shoes

1 or 2 pairs

....idk it was something domestic...I was making breakfast

Uh, writing? Maybe? Ive heard rumors my singing is good but...I don't believe it...

Yeap! Ask me how

Uhhh "Air 'em Out" "Say the Name" "Blood of the Fang"

Beetlejuice 😄

👉👈😳😊😊

YES

Uh, id be open to it...but I'd rather not..

No but yes but no though (ask if you really wanna know)

Yes, repeatedly, I was a sick child

Uh...I mean ..a little bit? I've never been arrested soo...

Do youtubers count?

Showers....but baths preferd

Not wearing any haha

No!

Uh no

Anything really ....nothing religious tho sorry!

No!

5? 6?

Left or right side

Decently? I dunno man

Coffee!

Nope! And I never will

Yup! Love it! I have my own bow and arrows

Uh....I don't know maybe Chaos, or Honestly

Fuck, shit, damn, hell

Uhh 3 1/2 days? Like 80something hours

Yup!

Unknown....

Yes

I like to think so

Uh maybe? I dunno

Lmao probably not

French, I dunno it just is

No clue

Probably the 35$ hoodies

Yes

Innie

Right

Yes, terrified actually

Mac n cheese

Uhhhh sweet and sour chicken or beef and broccoli (I have to be careful about what I eat)

Yes. (Both)

I don't fuckin know man..... *Shrugs* sure that

*laughs* Fuck (and it's various forms)

5 minutes when I have motivation

No?

Suck....

Yes

Yes

Haha....no

Uhhhh.....mmm I..mm I can't it triggers my anxiety to much and I legit will slip into an anxiety or panic attack at this point.... sorry

No

I don't even know what counts as drama

Both, it's hair however you wanna have it!

No, I can get like....half maybe?

History or English

Introvert (mostly)

Nope

Lots of different things ....making phone calls is a big one

Real dark? No. Artificial dark? Yes

I try not to but yes

.....Yes

No, I don't think so

Yes! Camp counselor and babysitter

Yes

Nope!

I don't remember probably my one idiot ex lol

Just my ears

No

Decently fast haha

Not fast I don't run

Uh right now? Auburn... Naturally? Strawberry/Dirty blonde

Green/Brown

Pollen, dust, cat dander, and mushrooms I think that's it

No

One is an auto sales man and one runs a home business

It's ok

Disrespect and people going after my friends/family

I like my name, it's nice ...Idk man it's....yeah

Yes...3 Alillyanna, Lyllanna, Kane

Either as long as they're healthy

No clue...maybe arguing?

I can't do phone calls....well I can but they make me shaky

I'm partially named after my grandmother

No

Yes

Purple, Blue, Grey, White

Brown (wood paneling)

This took....over 2 hours .....I...thanks Eliza

[igirisuhito]

Title: Afflicted Relationship(s): Kamukura Izuru/Komaeda Nagito Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito Rating: Mature Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / ? Chapter Summary: Komaeda weighs his options, Kuzuryuu begrudgingly listens to his worries Trigger Warnings: Panic attacks, mental breakdown, dismissing mental illness, IV stuff

[Ao3 Link]

┈┈┈┈․° ☣ °․┈┈┈┈

Hinata was sprawled out on the floor lying face up. His body was lifeless, save for the occasional twitches of his fingers and eyelids as neurons and muscles misfired in a feeble attempt to keep him conscious.

I knelt down, taking the boy's heated face into my hands and angling it up towards mine. He was incredibly pale, the only colour remaining on porcelain skin the flush of his fever. His breathing was slow and shallow, every little warm breath close enough to taste on my lips as I leaned in close. There was no way I couldn't begin to panic when he was in such a state.

"Hinata-kun! I understand if you're so repulsed by my actions that you've passed out, and I know it's more than I should ask of you..." The words came out of my mouth too rushed and barely intelligible, so I took a deep breath. "But please give me some sign you're okay."

My hands were beginning to shake, enough so that my hold on Hinata’s face became too loose to support the weight of his head. His face slipped from my grasp, his head lolling to the side as a soft gasp escaped my lips.

Did I kill Hinata-kun? No, that's ridiculous. You can't kill somebody by kissing them. I mean, you can, technically, but not like this. Surely not?

I wiped the remaining saliva from my lips, subtle evidence of a possible cause of death. Carefully rising to my feet, I stared down at Hinata’s weakened form. Fear was beginning to take hold, anxiety burning through my bloodstream and forcing me to move.

I can't lose him, not to such a hopeless cause. Hinata-kun didn't deserve to die such a pointless death by my hands, he deserved something grandiose, something exhilarating.

This kind of death would just be… boring. Wasteful.

"Tsumiki-san!!" I called out, my feet setting into motion as I made a dash for the room's exit. For a second, I felt a passing relief that Hinata had collapsed before Tsumiki had accidentally seen the repulsive things I was doing, but quickly scolded myself for thinking such a selfish thought. Hinata’s life was in danger and here I was glad that Tsumiki didn’t see me sucking face with him? How pathetic.

There was no doubt about it. It was my own luck that had caused Hinata to pass out. It was protecting me from being caught preying on him. That realisation caused something deep within my chest to ache with repulsion, dread, undiluted terror.

Despair.

I can only assume it was that same twisted luck that guided me into Tsumiki's arms, causing me to bump straight into her as she was coming into the room. All of the school's advice against running into halls went wasted on the likes of me. We slammed hard into one another with an "Oof."

As Tsumiki went crashing to the floor, the saline bag in her hand was squished into her chest, causing it to burst and soak her clothes with salty water. They stuck to her body damply, clinging to her skin in an erotic way. Her skirt had also flown up in the process, flashing me with an inappropriate amount of thigh along with her white underwear.

"Uwahh! K-K-K-Komaeda-san!!" She squealed, pulling her skirt down in a desperate attempt to save her dignity as her face flushed a bright red.

"A-ah, I'm so sorry you had to even accidentally touch somebody as disgusting as me!" I reached out a hand, offering to help her up. "My apologies for running, but it appears that Hinata-kun has collapsed."

"Wahh?! D-D-Don't worry about me, t-that's what you should be concerned about!" Tsumiki grabbed my hand, allowing me to help pull her up to her feet.

Without another word she scooted past me and into the room, abandoning the spilt saline bag on the floor. She practically pounced on Hinata's lifeless body, throwing herself into her brilliant talent as she pressed her ear to his chest and a hand to his forehead.

“He- he’s burning right up! Wh-why was he even out of bed? What was he doing before he collapsed?!" She began exasperated throwing a flurry of questions at me, all whilst examining Hinata's eyes for any sign of possible head trauma.

"He was…" I paused, teeth teasing unconsciously at my bottom lip. "Kissing me. We were making out."

The nurse's head snapped around in a fashion not so dissimilar to the creepy way an owl's would turn unnaturally. Her grey eyes bore right into me with an expression of rage mixed with shock. "A-are you s-s-serious?! K-Komaeda-san that's so irresponsible! You should know that you'll catch th--"

“Of course not!” I slid my hands up the sides of my arms, gripping at the sleeves of my jacket as I pulled my eyes away from Tsumiki’s. “Don't you know that kind of thing only happens in fiction? It would be repulsive for somebody like me to take advantage of an Ultimate’s illness for my own selfish desires. The very thought makes me want to vomit in my mouth!”

Tsumiki narrowed her eyes for a second, before realisation set in and they shot back open. “O-oh! I see…”

“Ha, hahahah.” Bringing my hand to my mouth, I touched my lips absentmindedly and glanced towards Hinata's body still laid out on the floor.

Was it wrong of me to say that? I can't have Tsumiki knowing of my intentions, she would stop me without hesitation. Perhaps the others would tie me up again, then I would miss the murder and the investigation... how awful. But, I can't shake this odd feeling that this is the wrong thing, that I should tell the truth. There is a possibility that not being honest about the cause of Hinata's fainting spell could lead to complications further on.

It could even be the one thing that leads to his death. After all, his condition is somewhat worse than Owari or Mioda's…

But owning up would reveal our intentions and likely ruin any chance of allowing the Ultimates to shine even brighter…

No. I shook my head free of the thoughts. The silence had dragged on long enough, Tsumiki was going to start questioning my words unless I spoke up soon.

“Well then… should we move him?”

"R-right!" With a few fervent nods, Tsumiki hopped off Hinata's body. "Yes! Please help me get him onto the bed so I can properly tend to Hinata-san's needs!"

Hinata-san's needs… huh?

Nodding in return, I brought myself back to Hinata's side and knelt down to the floor. "Well then, would you be okay getting his legs?"

"O-of course!" Scrambling to his legs, Tsumiki quickly slid her arms under the back of Hinata's knees. "I'm r-ready to lift him when-whenever you are."

I hooked my arms under his armpits, making sure not to take note of just how damp and sweaty he was with fever. There was a moment of eye contact, a quick nod, and then we both lifted him.

Thankfully the hospital rooms were so small, we didn't have to move Hinata incredibly far to return him to his bed. Tsumiki rearranged his sheets, carefully tucking Hinata back under the dull blue comforter as she examined his arms.

"I-I-I was coming to re-replace his IV… but it l-looks like he's p-pulled it out…" With a rather disdainful expression, she glanced over to the IV pole. "Again…"

Just as she had said, Hinata's line was pooled on the floor, the small tube that had presumably been in his arm now having smeared blood on the floor. The machine had stopped infusing, in fact it had been switched off entirely so as to not alert Tsumiki, and now the remaining fluid in the line had drained onto the floor.

"He's been rather uncharacteristically troublesome, hasn't he?" I couldn't help but chuckle, glancing over at the restless, almost pained look on Hinata's face. "I'm sorry, it's reprehensible that I would laugh at your struggle, but I could never see Hinata-kun kicking up such a fuss in his usual state."

There was a short moment of silence before Tsumiki giggled as well, clasping her hands together. "Y-you're right! H-Hinata-san is v-very different. But it's okay! We w-will get through this!"

"That's the spirit! Your hope is amazing Tsumiki-san! To still haven't given up on Hinata-kun like that… it's amazing! Truly nobody has a tolerance like that of the Ultimate Nurse!" As I took a rather sharp inhale, I couldn't help the big grin that spread on my face. "Seeing you in action like this has brought a worthless nobody like me hope and distracted me from all my worries!"

Ah.

My… worries.

My smile became a little more strained. Tsumiki was looking at me with a mix of disgust and fear, the enjoyment she had been feeling at receiving compliments far gone.

I didn't let my smile fall as I blinked slowly, realising it was probably time for me to leave her be. Lifting my hand, I waved to her as I began to head towards the door. "Well, I won't get in your way any longer. Goodbye."

As I left the scene, I glanced back one last time at the room. In the place where Hinata had collapsed, the spider lily he had been holding earlier was laid on the floor, likely having been abandoned when he came towards me. It seemed as though it had been crushed among the chaos, red petals scattered and bleeding onto the linoleum floor.

I turned away quickly.

Why do I… feel so distracted? Why am I so scared ?

He kissed me. He wants me to spread it. He told me to spread it. That should be my top priority.

So why do I so desperately want to turn back? To return and sit by Hinata's side, taking care of his every need instead of spreading hope?

As I stepped out into the hallway, I shut the door behind me with a shaking hand. That sensation in my chest only continued to grow as I made my way back towards the waiting room.

I should be putting a plan into place, something that would allow me to spread the disease faster. Something that would perhaps lure someone here, bring them in contact. Or perhaps I could bring the infected into the quarantined hotel? Or go back into Hinata's room to go check on him again? Tell the others that Hinata was dying and that we so desperately needed them to come do something before it became the fault of me and my filthy luck and the blood of an Ultimate coated my hands and I would be so deservedly executed.

Unconsciously, my fingers found their way into my hair, winding themselves around the coarse locks and pulling tightly. There was a familiar sound ringing in my ears, the loud buzzing of a swarm of insects. They filled my ears and mouth and eyes with their filthy touch, tainting everything in sight, destroying the world before me.

"It's your fault he's going to die." They whispered, barely audible beneath the white noise. "It's always your fault. You know this."

My mind was racing, my lungs were burning. It was if a black poison was seeping over my mind, dripping down over my eyes, obscuring my vision and thoughts. I couldn't think straight, everything was so overwhelming it was almost funny.

It was funny, so I laughed. It hurt my chest and wheezed like the final pitiful exhale of a corpse, but I laughed.

And I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Until something hit me hard on the back of my head, knocking me from my daze and causing me to choke on my breath.

"Oi. Stop freaking out, it's fuckin' creepy."

I blinked a few times, my vision beginning to clear as those dark shadows were chased back into the corners of my vision. The hospital's lobby slowly came into vision, along with a very angry looking Kuzuryuu. He scowled, crossing his arms over his chest tightly and forcing himself to sit up taller.

Ah, of course. How unsightly it must be to watch someone like me being so pathetic.

All my attempts to apologise were drowned out as I coughed and spluttered, attempting to regain my breath. The world was much clearer now, my eyes readjusting to the tropical sunshine streaming through the windows. It appeared as though I was now sitting down in the waiting room, yet I had no memory of moving from the wards and into the lobby.

I unballed my fists, my fingers aching from the strain as they unfolded and released my hair. The pain pulling at my scalp faded, and slowly I brought my shaking hands down to my knees. To my frustration, they instinctively gripped tightly at the fabric, clutching tightly until the denim burned into my palms.

Opening my mouth, I attempted once again to say some kind of apology for my misgivings, but all that came out was a rasped "Ah," closely followed by a shaky "Sorry."

Kuzuryuu huffed, his nose crinkling as he prepared to spit some kind of insult, but instead of ripping into me, he paused. There were a few seconds of still silence before he sighed loudly, allowing his body to relax a little and posture fall. "He's fine, don't get so fuckin' worked up about it."

"I'm… sure you're right." A breathy laugh forced itself out, as if squeezed out from the tight feeling in my chest. "After all, you are an Ultimate."

"Wha-? You think being an Ultimate makes me right about everything?" He scoffed, not in a tone as if he were looking down and mocking me, but more one of amusement. "They're wrong about you being crazy, you're just a fucking moron like me. Or maybe I'm the crazy one for even talking to you, who knows?"

It was difficult to think of what to say in response to that. I decided not to think too long on it, instead choosing to laugh along with him. "Perhaps."

The small smile that was on Kuzuryuu's face slowly dropped. The positive feeling in the air evaporated like mist and a heavy silence settled over the room. All that could be heard in the empty waiting room was the sound of Owari sobbing as though her life depended on it echoing down the corridor from her room. Eventually, Kuzuryuu broke the silence as he sighed loudly, leaning back in the stiff plastic hospital chair as best he could.

“I think I’m… starting to get your whole crazy ‘stepping stone to hope’ shit.” He paused to scoff at himself, as if he was in shock that he would say such a thing. “Ever since Peko saved me, it feels like I owe this life to her, or to everyone else. It’s like it’s not my own anymore. Just a spare.”

"If I'm not wrong, you're referring to Pekoyama-san's sacrifice? It’s no surprise you feel that way, but there was very little you could have done to prevent her execution.”

Kuzuryuu still grumbled after I asked, sounding frustrated by the question. It was no surprise, he had reacted rather poorly when I brought it up during Owari’s fight as well, but dancing around the topic seemed pointless. What Pekoyama did for the one she loved was amazing, there was no logical reason to not acknowledge that.

“It’s that stupid fucking Monokuma’s fault! But what kind of fucking person am I to let Peko take the blow for me after all that I said? It’s messed up. The only reason I didn’t die is because she shielded me, a tool ‘til the end.” As he said the last few words, Kuzuryuu slammed his fist against his leg, growing more frustrated as he continued to think about it.

I shrugged. "Pekoyama-san was an amazing person. She died for the sake of your hope, so that you could continue to be a beacon for your family and the Kuzuryuu Clan. There's no point in being angry at her for doing the right thing…"

The right thing, huh?  

"What she did wasn't the right thing! The right thing would have been for her to stay with me!" Jumping out of his chair, Kuzuryuu glared down at me. "No death is a 'hopeful thing' you dumbass!"

Spreading hope is the right thing to do, so that's what I should do, right?

"Hey! Are you even listening to me? Jesus, you really are messed in the head." He scrunched up his nose in a snarl. "I'm trying to be more forgiving and a better fucking person and all that shit but you really piss me off, going on about how everything is great as long as it's for fucking hope !"

I don't need to worry about my feelings. I just need to spread hope, like Pekoyama-san did.

I looked up at him, locking eyes as I smiled widely at the Yakuza. "I think I get it now. Thank you, Kuzuryuu-kun, you are a truly wonderful person. I'm sure Pekoyama-san is proud of you."

"What?! What the hell are you talking about, you bastard? Don't go around saying things like that." In an attempt to hide his reddening face, Kuzuryuu turned his head to the side, looking away from me.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." I raised my hands in a defensive position, hoping to calm him.

"Whatever… just go take a break or something." Still refusing to look at me, Kuzuryuu grumbled. "I'll take care of things here, alright?"

I nodded. "Thank you, Kuzuryuu-kun, you really do make a brilliant leader."

"Just get out of here!"

Laughing softly, I carefully rose to my feet, still feeling a little dizzy from lack of oxygen. As Kuzuryuu began to head back towards the wards, I realised something.

"Wait! How did you know about what happened to Hinata-kun?"

"Huh?" He stopped, spinning around to face me. "Because you came in here cackling like a maniac. You wouldn't answer my questions so I checked in with Tsumiki about it. By the time I got back you were still out here having your breakdown, just now sitting down and babbling away to yourself creepily about how you were a murderer."

"Ah." Yeah, that sounded right. "Sorry about that."

Kuzuryuu shook his head, muttering something under his breath before pushing open the doors to the corridor and continuing on his way.

I figured it was probably time I did what he said too and took advantage of this opportunity to put my plan into action.

With a wide smile, I headed towards the entrance of the hospital, pushing open the doors before stepping out into the warm sunlight.

[youngksbass]

What else could I do?

♥ Young K x Reader 

♥ Warnings: gangs, mentions of drugs, mentions of blood/violence, angst, swearing, illness, hospitals

♥ Word Count: 2,033

♥ Part: 3 of ? (Part 1) (Part 2)

♥ A/N: Unedited but I haven’t posted a part of this series in so long I just wanted to get it up for you all! 💖

You woke up to a familiar beeping and an overwhelming feeling of numbness, the feeling of floating through nothingness that was familiar with a dose of morphine, and you sighed in annoyance as you began to groggily rub your eyes to wake them.

“Ah, you’re awake!” You heard a familiar quiet deep voice comment as the shy boy you met a long while ago at school appeared in your vision. “I’m glad you’re okay, I found you passing out in the hall and didn’t know what to do..so I brought you here but they didn’t have any emergency contacts, so I thought I’d stay and make sure you were alright-“ “Thank you.” You cut in before he continued, you were slightly overwhelmed with his rambling with your current drugged up state, and your speech was slightly slurred compared to usual. “Thanks for the help, you didn’t have to do this.” You restated, seeing as how your first statement of gratitude was a bit tense. “No problem (y/n), I’m just glad you’re okay.” The brunette stated with a small grin, he was now moved to the chair by your bedside so he could speak with you more easily. “Thanks, uh I never got your name?” You state, trying to remember if he had ever mentioned it, he very well could have because you can barely compute anything right now. “Sorry, I'm Dowoon.” The kind brunette replied scratching the back of his neck in slight embarrassment. “Nice to officially meet you then, and thanks again.” You tried to focus your attention on him and the conversation but it was still proving difficult in your current state. You laid back again on the cot, closing your eyes to try and ease the frustration that was slowly building due to your current situation. “Are you in pain again?” Dowoon’s deep voice cuts in concerned at your movement. “Nah, how long ago did they give me the morphine for pain?” You asked opening your eyes again and trying to see the state of the IV next to you and the current level of fluids to guess how long you’ve been in the hospital. “They injected it maybe…” He glanced at his watch but a small disappointed frown fell upon his face, "well I’m not sure how long ago really.” Dowoon admitted and you just laid in silence again for a moment, “But it’s 1pm right now.” You sat up even more abruptly, startling the brunette with your rushed movement. "I’ve been in here overnight?!” You ask now clearly beginning to panic, you begin to pull your cover aside and reach to begin stripping the many wires from your arm. Dowoon grabs your wrist stopping you, you then look at him with a challenging glance, he looks aside because of your intense gaze and clears his throat. You really want to shove him aside and free your wrist from his grasp, rip out the annoying IV, and get the hell out of here. However, you noticed you were still feeling the morphine and you admitted defeat, laying back down once more on the uncomfortable cot. “Don’t worry the doctors will clear things up with your boss and family, but you need to stay in the bed.” Dowoon interjects, letting you calm down and letting go of your wrist when you give up your effort. That’s when you realize the boys were probably wondering why you weren’t at the meet up last night. “Shit could you pass me my phone?” You ask him, noticing your belongings in the corner of the white walled hospital room. He nodded and did as asked, you began to scroll through the messages that had blown up your phone, your battery percent significantly lower due to the missed calls and spam of texts. From Hajoon: Big sis you missed the meeting with the customers!! Jaehyung made sure it was all good but where are you?.. From Jaehyung: I hope you are taking time to rest and… From Hajoon: What the hell is going on?! You aren’t answering any of us and aren’t at home!!... From Woosung: Where are you? Are you okay? Call me asap.. These were just the tip of the iceberg when it came to the mass of texts filling your screen, you tried to make your way through all of them to see if all the meetings with the customers went well- Ring ring.You were interrupted by Dowoon answering his own cellphone.“Hey-“ He was cut off by what seemed to be a loud voice on the other side of the line. “I’m sorry-“ He was cut off once again, “Listen I have a reason! I’m at the hospital-“ You heard a loud ‘what' shouted through the phone, “I’m at the hospital right now but it’s oka-“ before he could even finish the other person hung up and he looked down at his cellphone showing the call had ended with a defeated huff. “Aish.. He hung up on me.” Dowoon stated slightly annoyed, though it seemed like he was used to this from whoever he had been speaking to. “If your family is worried you’re welcome to leave, you’ve already done so much.” You stated with a reassuring smile. “Shouldn’t I wait until one of your family members comes though? I don’t want you to be left alone here.” “You don’t have to it’s alright.” “Well I’ll feel better if I do.” You gave him a slightly confused look, why did he care you weren’t even good friends or anything. You weren’t used to people you didn’t know being so kind to you, let alone caring for you like this. “Well if that’s the case I suppose it’s alright if you stay…” You muttered as you began to send a text to Woosung about your whereabouts. You didn’t want to make a scene so it would be best if only he came to help you discharge from the hospital and head home, the other boys would cause chaos even with their good intentions. You and Dowoon sat in intermittent silence, chatting on and off about studies and such for a little while. He seemed like a nice person, maybe you would become good friends moving forward. As you were about to explain something someone burst through the door cutting you off mid-sentence. “Where were you?! What the hell is going on?” You just started at the figure who’s hand still held the knob of the door he just flung open so abruptly, the purple hair causing every sense of anxiety in your aching body to shoot through the roof. Dowoon let out a big sigh as the purple haired boy slammed the door shut and stood with crossed arms now looking between you and Dowoon. “Explain." “Everything is fine, you didn’t have to come.” The brunette stated with an exasperated look. “I thought something had happened to you, all you said was that you were in the hospital.” The purple haired boy responded in slight annoyance, focusing all his attention now to Dowoon. “Because you cut me off on the phone, you didn’t let me finish explaining.” Dowoon was looking him dead in the face with an irritated glance, this seemed to be a common occurrence, he most likely had to deal with the purple haired boy’s slight hot-headedness and the antics caused by it often. “(Y/n) passed out outside of class and I had to bring her here to make sure she was okay.” Now both the boys looked to you, the purple haired boy now walking up closer towards your cot with crossed arms. His piercing gaze met yours for a moment, you stared back unfazed by the attempted intimidation. “She seems fine now, lets go.” The purple haired boy broke from your gaze and turned towards Dowoon nodding his head towards the door. “Hey! There’s no rush-“ Dowoon responded in slight confusion at the purple haired boys behavior. It seemed like the purple haired boy was ready to drag Dowoon out the door in an instant. “It’s okay if you need to leave Dowoon, thanks again for bringing me here.” You interjected with a smile, trying to ease the tension between him and his friend. Before the purple haired boy could add in an irritating comment to you and Dowoon’s interaction the door swung open once more, this time revealing an out-of-breath Woosung. “What happened?! Are you okay?!” He nearly shouted rushing over to you. “I’m fine, sorry for being off the grid for a bit.” At this he leaned a hand on the guardrail of your cot, letting out a deep sigh and pushing his hair from his face as he regained his breath. Before you could continue he turned to notice the other two in the room, and he immediately clenched a fist. “What are you doing here?” Woosung questioned in a calm manner to mask the rising anger within, looked to the purple haired boy. Immediately the purple haired boy approached Woosung with an intimidating air, this only made you more concerned as Woosung was starting to really show his rage. “What’s it to you?” The purple haired boy huffed, at this Dowoon grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Young K, stop.” He stated in a hushed but worried manner, realizing the situation that could very quickly escalate. Now you knew the purple haired boys name, and it was your turn to cut in. “Young K, I don’t know why you’re acting like this or why you attacked my boys that other night. We aren’t your enemy.” You stated in an intense tone that immediately commanded the room. Woosung now became the one to worry as he turned to you, whispering your nickname in a warning tone in his concern of what could happen next. “How are you not? You came into our territory without permission to do deals. That innately takes away our customers.” Young K replied now nearing your cot in an attempt to intimidate once more, he really liked to use that as a tactic. Woosung immediately stepped closer to your side in a defensive manner, you gently pushed him back and kept your attention on Young K. Unlike this other gang leader you could keep a calm demeanor in almost all situations, something he could definitely learn to keep from useless situations like fights. “We aren’t selling to any of your customers. You can ask each of them if you don’t believe me.” You replied bluntly at his accusation. “And we don’t ever intend to sell to your customers,” you added as his face changed to one of slight shock and confusion, “so we are not, and will never be, your enemy.” Young K seemed caught off guard at this, and Dowoon even seemed a little surprised. “In fact, I would propose that we could even work together in the future if you desired.” You suggested earning a questioning glance from Young K and Dowoon. At this Woosung turned to you with a loud, “What?!” Ignoring this, you continued to speak to Young K and Dowoon. “We aren’t dealing the same stuff, and if we are both covering territory together without worrying about each others whereabouts it will make everyone’s lives much easier.” You state simply, “You’re welcome to discuss it with your group and let me know if you want to take up the offer.” “(Y/n) we’ve never done something like this before, besides we might not want to get mixed up with whatever they’re selling.” Woosung interjects in utter shock at your actions. You dismiss him once again as Young K turns towards the door with a scoff at your proposition. “Think about it, Young K, no good comes from us fighting,” is all you are able to say before Young K heads out the door with one final glance towards you and Woosung. Dowoon quickly follows after him with a rushed goodbye. Woosung has now turned towards you with an expectant gaze, and now you realize what you may have just proposed. If all went through, your whole operation would have to change, but maybe this change would be for the greater good. At least, that’s what you hope.

[dreammutual-remade]

idol!you and lucas

request: please do a bullet scenario about lucas and his gf both being sm idols - anon

word count: 2.6k 

a/n: first of all,,,, this gif hurts me badly, seCOND OF ALL im so sorry for the inactivity !!  I have finals this week and I graduate really soon n ive just been v busy !!! also I had hella writers block trying to finish this ish up but I hope u like it anon !!!!its a lil hard for me to write as an idol just because thats such a Wildt lifestyle but I did my best ily

warnings: cursing n also some crying because god knows all of our boys prolly have during their idol days :(((((((

what’s up butter cup

let’s dive tf in

as a pre-warning thingy i’m making you a singer so i’m very sorry if you can’t sing i can’t either bby

alright so this story begins when you’re not even 16 years old and you audition for a bunch of companies

tbh you didn’t think you were /that/ good at singing or dancing but ???

all the companies wanted you??? you got offers from JYP and SM and Pledis ????? go off queen

we stan

anyways

you decide to go with SM since they produced leGENDS SHINEE

FUCK I LOVE THOSE GUYS

(binch if u went to JYP u literally could have been in TWICE ?!?/&.&. ABSOLUTE LEGENDS UR LOSS THOT)

also because you just think that’ll be best for you ?? idk we don’t judge here (i already did though i’m So Sorry)

on your first day as a trainee you’re in search of the female dorms and you just can’t find them

eventually you run into this,,,, Gang Of Adolescent Boys

they’re wearing dorky ass muscle tees and keep saying shit about “foreign swaggers”

(.... y’all already know who it is sjdkdkd)

and you’re Meek and New and Small so you’re like um, hellowherearethegirlsdormsplease

okay there’s four of them and they’re all fckin huge except for one

the Biggest One with the american accent points you in the right direction and you try to scurry away but end up smacking into the Second Biggest One’s arm because he moved in your way on accident ouchie

“god lucas why don’t you just run the poor girl over”

“hYUNG PLEASE”

“hehehhehe i’m just kiddin”

and you just kind of mumble that it’s fine and go on your way

okay so you train for three yEARS before your debut

and you def come out of your shell alright like you’re Extroverted and whatnot

you still see those boys and even make friends with mark and donghyuck and the Foreign Members

but the entirety of the group you met has debuted except Lucas

you’re not close but you wave and say hi when you see each other

you turn pink everytime from Emotions and also Holding Your Breathe Due To Anxiety

and he was cute years ago but he’s only gotten prettier with age dude

they recently dyed his hair to give him some Blonde Stuff and he looks reaLLY GOOD

LIKE TO THE POINT WHERE U HAVE TROUBLE LOOKING HIM IN THE EYE

but eventually you’re like hey now i’m a grown woman i can handle this giant childish man !!! quit that @ emotions

alright so you debut like, days before him no lie

you’re a solo artist bc idk

red velvet was full 😔🤟

anyways you’ve been filming the video for the past couple weeks and the concept is sort of filmy and shimmery like old sparkly anime water u kno ?

and you’re wearing similar stuff to what ten was wearing in the new heroes mv (BIG OOF) except less warm toned ?

like swishy sort of see through white shirts and spandex underneath

you’re a Beautiful and Skilled dancer so they have u all over the place with this choreo

on the FLOOR on the WALL in the AIR

no joke they had you in a harness doing cool swirly shit in the air this is the stuff of legends my g

but like the inside of SM ? is very cold

if you’re not filming you’re bundled up in a blanket and trying to rub the goosebumps out of your arms and legs

because you have to look all smooth and flawless for filming and those are two things goosies are not

luckily the song wasn’t a huge ballad because it’s rather hard to belt out long ass notes when you’re upside down lmao

anyways, the song is a bop and the mv is beautiful and you are wearing minimal clothing and although these are all nice things but also

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

the filming is almost done thank GOD

you’re taking a break from filming and you go out in the hall in your costume to go get another water bottle because ain’t nobody around to give a pre debut thot a water bottle 🤧🤧

your arms are wrapped around yourself when lucas jogs up behind you and throws his jacket around you??

literally throws it like you made an oof noise

“um ,? thank you that was aggressive”

“i knOw i’m sorry it’s just you are practically naked and it’s Cold in here and also walking behind you i noticed you were Very Exposed sO”

you turn bright red because that means everyone has seen your ass prolly and you duck your head and pull the jacket tighter around yourself

“oh! i’m sorry i mean you look uhh? really good ?? yeah you look good nOT that i was looking super hard or anything or that i uH saw aNything BUt if i did it would look good i’m sure nOT THAT I thInK about that ?$/&/“

and now you’re both blushing very hard but you feel a little better when you see he’s just as flustered as you

you brush your fingers on his forearm to get him to stop staring at the floor and tell him thanks and ask about when he’s debuting

he tells you the mv filming is done since they had to go Real Far Away to do it and get it done ahead of time and that the teasers will be out in three weeks and then the mv release and then its Show Time Baby

you’re excited for him and he’s excited and you debut really soon as well and he’s excited for you and !!!!!

there’s excitement all over the place

he’s smiling so big and his eyes are cute and crinkly and :(((((

you still got a crush on him /sigh/

one of the staff literally yells your name down the hall and you’re like aw shit that’s my cue lol

you leave him with with a lil squeeze of his bicep and you’re BOTH shook

him because ?? was that fLIRTING

you because ?? THAT WAS FLIRTING

also because his biceps are thicc i’m gonna cry

big baby stands there for like 3 mins just shook and with uwus oozing from his pores

you skrt very quickly to avoid the consequences of your actions and get back to filming

okay TIME SKIP

your mv was released and did GOOD AS FUCK

you didn’t hear it from me but lucas + nct boys were seen on vlive jamming the fuck out to your song

you’re backstage like 10 mins from going on and having an absolute panic attack

what if you trip ??? or your voice breaks !!:&::

what if all the reviews say you’re Trash live and that the mv was better since they edited

what if you FLOP AND HAVE NO FANS

NO ONE DOES THE FANCHANTS

FUCK FUXKFUCKFUXKCUDJ

so you do call the king of debuts

mark lee

and you’re like mARK FUCK IM GOING TO CRASH AND BURN PLEAS LLSSE DHELPD ME

he tells you to Calm The Fuck Down and assures you it’ll be fine but it’s not working and mark is but a young boy he don’t know how to deal with FEMALES

you hear some deep ass voice on the other side ask who’s on the phone and mark says your name and then the voice is closer and deMANDING to be given the phone

u already kno it’s our boy yukhei

he can hear you gasping through the phone and having a mental breakdown and immediately makes his voice all low and soft

wow i’m , affected writing this shit

“hey, y/n, listen to me, you’re okay, you’re fine. i promise it’ll be okay.”

“bUT WHAT IF I-“

“you won’t. you’ve worked too hard and practiced too much. i know you i saw you do it. do NOT let all of that go down the drain. you can do this. now get your cute ass out there and take NO SHIT”

“i know but i am, scared”

“don’t be! this is what you love isnt it?”

“i mean,,,, yeah”

“and you want to do this more than anything don’t you?”

“well , yeah”

“then for gods sake don’t be a wimp and do it”

“hey i miss the part of this conversation where you were being nice to me”

“that part’s over babe you need some TOUGH LOVE now please for me and for yourSELF get out there”

“okay.. thanks lucas”

“anything for you, angel”

yOU HANG UP SO QUICK

how dare he

you were all Comforted but then he went on with that angel bullshit

okay long story short you ended the industry dude

all solo artists BOW BEFORE YOU

VOCAL QUEEN

DANCE QUEEN

lucas: shaking because His Angel did so well and you were wearing white and actually looked like an angel

but you don’t see him for the next like twO MONTHS because he’s promoting boss and you’re promoting your single and neither of you are home ever

when you do get a second to yourself you try to send him an encouraging text but

you seldom get a second to yourself :(((

he does the same thing and they’re so sweet :(

“good morning i hope u slept well !!”

“princess don’t forget 2 hydrate”

“i saw ur mnet performance u looked beautiful <333”

this man is practically begging you to wife him up i mean

he’s cute

he’s BIG and WARM

very sweet to you :(

talented and lovely

absolute dweeb

supportive of you even from great distances

BEST BOY UWU

you try to be just as encouraging back because he deserves it UGH

“bub don’t forget to eat i know ur hungry rn”

“!!!!!! you came foR MY LUNGS WITH THAT CENTER DANCE AT THE END BOI”

“why are u sending me messages u need to rest bby :((“

when things calm down though you,, see each other

he doesn’t formally ask you out and you don’t say anything but, youre dating sort of kind of

as idols you’re both still so so busy and you JUST debuted so neither of you are really allowed to date anyways

you settle for little bits of cuddling and secret touches as you pass each other in the hall

you both stand outside of your respective dorms at night to facetime without waking your dorm mates

he desperately wants to go on dates and do Normal Couple things but there’s no time :(

the most affectionate you’ve ever been is when the girl group who shares a dorm with you was out promoting and you had him over and you took a nap together :((((

he Insisted upon being the big spoon and basically wrapped your whole body up with his limbs

pressed a few lil kisses to the back of your neck and your shoulder when he thought you were asleep

you weren’t though and you turned around to kiss him on the cheek and then tuck your face into his neck and pass tf out

he has to leave though because mark texts him and is like YO I KNO UR WITH Y/N AND HER ROOMMATES ARE ON THE WAY HOME

ABORT MISSION DUDE

and that’s pretty much it :(

months pass without much between you even though you’re trying your best

and even though you live in dorms you’re still so lonely especially when you’re traveling because you don’t have any group members

you don’t want to annoy or worry lucas though so you don’t complain

he notices though and late at night he’ll call you while you’re in bed and talk about his day and how he misses you and wishes you were there

and when you get all emo he says he’ll be waiting for you at the airport

(he really does he goes and hides in the bathroom and texts you so you can go in there and TACKLE HIM)

he still calls you angel all the time :((((

god that’s another weakness of mine ??? IM SUCH A WUSS

but it has specifically changed to “my angel”

uwu

your first kiss and first Real Confession happens on the Worst Day Of Your Life

you’re about to go on stage (you’ve released an album since your debut so this is new stuff) when you get a call from your mom ??

she’s crying and tells you your grandma is sick and in the hospital and it’s really bad

immediately you’re barely holding yourself together because that woman half raised you and was the reason you stayed in dance and worked so hard to become who you are today

there are tears streaming down your face already and the makeup team is fluttering around you trying to fix what you’re messing up and it’s bad

you still have to go on though so you go and perform with tears in your eyes and your manager yells at you after for not pulling it together

you go home in tears and then you’re not looking where you’re going and ran straight into a staff who yells at you some more for being some entitled idol brat

originally you weren’t gonna say anything to lucas but, the staff pushed you over the edge and you call him in tears and are incoherent and can barely tell him where you are before you hang up

our boy BURSTS into your room and sees you sitting on the floor with your face buried in your knees and 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 !!

he gathers you in his arms and sits on the bed with you curled up on his lap

he holds you close and rubs a comforting hand up and down your back at the same time as he frantically tries to figure out what’s wrong

“y/n?? baby what’s wrong? angel, please you gotta tell me or i cant help”

“i jjJJUST Got a cALL and my grandMA IS SICK AND THEN I DI D BAD AND DISAPPOINTED EVERYONE AND My mManageR yeYELLED at me and theN I RAN iNtO a staffF meMbEr and he yELled at me too and I JSUT .$:&:&;& i’m sO SORRY u doNT need to deAL WIYH ME you have problems of YouR own and-“

“shhh listen to me i always care about you okay? angel, i want to help you no matter what you know that. also, if you weren’t so distraught i would go beat some SM ass you didn’t deserve to be yelled at :(((( how about we call your mom and check for updates with your grandma and i’ll stay here with you for the night?”

you nod and then reach for your phone while keeping as much physical contact with lucas as possible

he’s the only reason you haven’t reached the Depression Point Of No Return so

we stayin close

you put your mom on speaker and set your phone down before squishing yourself back into his chest and sniffling while the phone rings

your mom answers and you shakily ask for any updates and she tells you not much but your grandma has improved and they think that within a couple weeks she’ll be better

you cry some more and tell her you love them both and you’re so relieved and lucas kisses the crown of your head and is just There For Comforting

once you hang up and you’ve calmed down a little more you back up a little and turn to face him

“hey thank you so much, you didn’t have to come and help me so much but you’ve always been there to make me stop Freaking Out and laugh and i just, love you. yeah that’s what it is. I LOVE YOU I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, WONG YUKHE-“

he cuts you off by snatching your face in his big warm hands and kissing you right on the lips

he then kisses your nose and your forehead and pulls you back into his lap to tuck you under his chin

“it’s all for you, angel ;)))) i love you more”

[iwriteficsnottragediesladies]

Girl Can SING pt 7

Request: I have an idea for Girl Can SING but it’s probs really stupid so totally ignore this if you want! So what if y/n is on stage with Brendon at one of her first shows with P!ATD and she gets bottled and is knocked out and won’t wake up so is rushed to the ER. She wakes up and is all scared and has a panic attack and only Brendon can calm her (my heart 😩). I love your blog so much!!!

The day had finally come: you were at the Reading and Leeds Festival. The plane ride from LA all the way to London was long and exhausting. The jet lag hit you like a bus, but luckily you had an extra 2 days to adjust before performing.

This show is a big deal. Not only is it one of Brendon's favorite places to play, you're also the headliners. Crowds were expecting Panic to be a big finale, the best of the best. It was a lot of pressure on its own, not even including the bottling.

It was a customary rite of passage for new bands to have bottles thrown at them. Even though Panic had played there before, you hadn't, so there was a possibility the crowd would do it. You all prepared yourselves just in case. You were assigned to protecting Dallon while Brendon guarded Kenny since they don't have any hands free to protect themselves.

When you're about to go on, Brendon can see the anxiety written all over your face. He wraps an arm around your waist and pulls you close.

"Don't worry, Y/n," he reassured you, "It's going to be great."

You took great comfort in his soothing words and smiled a little. He kisses you gently and you feel a warm blanket of confidence wrap around you.

It's minutes later that you're running on stage, the crowd roaring. Your opening song goes well. Only one bottle was thrown and it barely even made it on stage. By the third song, you were comfortable with your performance.

But you let your guard down, which was a big mistake.

In the middle of LA Devotee, you turned to walk towards the other end of the stage. A bottle was careening through the air. Before you could even flinch, it collided with your head as Brendon watched, unable to react quickly enough.

The end of the word you were singing fell from your mouth as you started to fall to the ground. Your vision was black and suddenly you were gone.

"Y/N!" Brendon yelled as you collapsed down onto the stage. The boys immediately stopped playing at the sound of his strangled voice.

There was a collective gasp from the audience. Zack was sprinting on stage over to you.

"Y/n?" Brendon called to you as he dropped to his knees next to you, placing a hand on your cheek.

You don't respond, your eyes remaining shut. Brendon feels something warm on his fingertips and realizes there is now blood running across them. You're bleeding from a cut on the side on your head.

"Shit," He swears to himself before placing his hand over the wound in an attempt to stop the slow but steady flow of blood. "Y/n?" He begged, desperate for any movement, any sign that you could hear him.

Zack arrived, skidding to a stop as he got down on the ground with you and Brendon. He sees the red seeping through Brendon's hand and an extra shock of adrenaline races over him.

Zack looked offstage and signaled for more help with a wave.

"WE NEED MEDICS HERE!" He shouted to the stage crew, "NOW!"

Zack focused back on you.

"Y/n?" Zack tried as he squeezed your shoulder but you remained completely unresponsive.

"Baby, open your eyes," Brendon pleaded.

The rest of the boys were in shock, not moving from where they stood. When Dallon notices the blood coming from your head, he grabs a clean towel and runs it over to Brendon. He takes it and covers your cut, holding it to your head. Dallon steps back and looks on with anxiety, his hand cradling his forehead.

Brendon was completely helpless, unable to do anything to help you other than watch your blood slowly spread across the towel. The only thing he took comfort in was watching your chest rise and fall. You're breathing. That's something.

Medics are soon moving Brendon and Zack out of the way. They take over, quickly assessing you, strapping you to a long yellow board and sliding a brace around your neck.

Brendon was a mess. He couldn't stop his racing thoughts, Oh god, was all of this necessary? Was it that bad? Oh god. Why hasn't she woken up? When is she going to wake up? What if she never wakes up?

You're placed on a stretcher and swept off into the ambulance, Brendon hot on the medics' heels. Once you're inside, Brendon joins you, taking your hand and just praying to a god he doesn't even believe in.

The paramedics were in a flurry of activity around you, attaching machines and putting in an IV.

"Why," Brendon stuttered, trying to ask them a question, "Why hasn't she woken up yet? When?"

"Sir, please stay calm," The medic said reassuringly, "We're doing everything we can to help her. The best thing now is to get her to the hospital, okay?"

Brendon nodded hesitantly, finding little comfort in his answer. He watches as something wonderful happens.

You open your eyes.

"Y/n?" Brendon asks quickly.

You wake to bright lights and far away sound, feeling that your body is in motion but not moving. Your senses begin to align more clearly.

"Y/n?" The paramedic asked, "Hey, can you hear me?"

You focus on the strange man above you and try to respond, but not much more than a noise comes out. A big, throbbing pain exploded in your head and the light was suddenly too much. You go to lift your hand so you can cover your eyes and find that you can't: your arms are restrained at your sides.

You realize that you can't move. Your legs are strapped down, your arms, even your head. Your face drops into terror and you want to get it all off so desperately. Brendon and the paramedic both notice your panic.

"Y/n, it's okay," the paramedic started slowly, "I need you to stay still, alright?"

It's no use.

You manage to slip a hand out and start grabbing at the plastic surrounding your neck, frantically trying to remove it. You scream and Brendon's heart shatters.

"Y/n!" Brendon jumps up and tries to still you, "No no no, it's okay darlin."

You're only escalating, now trying to kick your legs. You feel like you can't breathe. The paramedic is trying to talk to you but you can't hear him over your shear panic.

"No!" You manage to squeak fearfully.

"Shhhhh," Brendon quieted you. He got himself into your line of vision. "Y/n, it's okay."

Your eyes locked onto his. The fear in you made Brendon want to cry.

"I'm right here, Y/n," He soothed, "You're safe."

You try to figure out where you were but it was hard to look around with your head taped down.

"We're in an ambulance sweetheart," Brendon explained sweetly, "You got hit in the head so we're going to the hospital to fix you up, okay?"

Well, that's why your head hurts so fucking badly. You blink a few times, processing his words. You're still clawing weakly at the brace around your neck.

"Get it off," you squeak hopelessly, starting to cry quiet tears.

"I'm sorry baby," Brendon cooed and stroked your hand as he guided it away, "You have to leave it on." You squinted your eyes, trying to block out some of the irritating light.

"It's a brace that's protecting your neck in case you hurt it," the paramedic explained, "I know it's uncomfortable but it's important, okay?"

"'K," you whispered and settled down.

"There you go," Brendon reassured you, "Just take a breath."

"What happened?" You asked Brendon.

"We were performing and someone threw a bottle, got you in the head," He replied, "You were out for a little while."

"How are you feeling now, Y/n?" The paramedic asked, "any pain?"

"Yeah," reply weakly, "My head, my eyes... Dizzy."

The paramedic typed away on the laptop and nodded. Brendon gave you a sad smile and stroked your hand with his thumb.

"What happened?" You asked him again. Brendon looks at you a bit confused. Had you already forgotten what he'd said?

"Someone hit you with a bottle while we were on stage," He reminded you. He could see in your eyes that it was as if you were hearing this information for the first time. Fear gripped him.

"There's a good chance that the memory loss is only temporary," the paramedic said quietly to Brendon, "I would wait until she sees the doctor before worrying about it."

Brendon nodded hesitantly, still scared. He looks at you again.

"We're gonna get you fixed up, okay?" Brendon soothed you.

Once you had arrived at the hospital, the doctor who examined you declared that you needed to spend the night. You had a pretty severe concussion but your scan didn't show any internal bleeding. Your memory was slowly returning to normal too and Brendon was so relieved.

When a nurse came to do your stitches, your grip on Brendon grew tighter.

"I'm right here, Y/n," Brendon said sweetly, "Squeeze my hand as hard as you want."

"Okay," you replied quietly, still so afraid.

"You're alright," Brendon spoke softly, "In a few minutes it'll all be over." He continued to talk to you, telling jokes and recounting funny stories about Penny Lane. He always had ways to make you smile, even in the worst of times.

The nurse bandaged your head when she was finished and you breathed a sigh of relief once she left the room.

The band came to see you. They were all worried sick. The last they knew, you were completely unconscious. Walking into your hospital room and finding you awake, sitting up, talking to Brendon was a relief.

When you checked your phone, you weren't exactly delighted to see that a video of your incident was all over the internet. You expected this much, though. Brendon sees you frown and sits down on your bed.

"That can wait, babe," Brendon suggests, "The doctor said looking at screens was bad anyway. Just rest, okay?"

You sigh and nod in agreement, putting your phone away. You scoot over a little and reach out to him. He lays down next to you and holds you close.

"I'm sorry," you whisper against him.

He pulls back and looks at you in confusion.

"Y/n, don't be ridiculous," Brendon comforts you.

"I should have been paying better attention," You shook your head in disappointment, "We didn't even get to finish the set."

"This isn't your fault," Brendon said emphatically, "And don't worry about the set. We're just glad you're alright."

You nod.

"God, I was so worried," Brendon shut his eyes and held you tightly.

You nuzzled into him.

"I love you, Y/n," Brendon replied, "So much."

"I love you too," You smiled.

"Get some rest," He said, "I'll be right here."

A/N: Woo, long time, no write! Hope you liked it. I kind of hate the way this came out, but OH WELL, maybe it’s just me. Like/reblog if you’re feelin’ it!

[taetae-tea]

The One (Part V)

Part IV <- Part V –> Part VI

Genre: Hybrid!Taehyung, (soul)mate!Taehyung, Fluff, Angst, smut

Paring: TaehyungXreader

Word-count: 1.7K

Warnings: Abuse, unjust, anxiety, force, animalistic feelings, panic-attacks, indication of mating, Heart/brein-dilemma

Summary: You’ve never liked the idea of hybrids, since it’s straight up abuse from a owner to a hybrid, they aren’t treated like humans. But what happens when your boss gave you a hybrid as a gift?

A/N: Sorry this part took me a while, because I had a week of tests and parties and shit so sorry fam. Also no smut yet >.< NEXT PART I PROMISE. Hope you still enjoy this one!

Masterlist

What happened in Pt.IV of The One

Although all his senses told him to take you right then and there, he knew that you had to be in your right mind for this decision. A human blinded by lust will never make the right decisions, although it was your body making you crazy, he still knew that he shouldn’t take advantage of that. He wants you to choose fairly and to choose for the person he is and not because of your body.

But, this decision has to be taken quickly, because looking at his calendar, his heath will arrive in a day or 3. The pills they got him will certainly not work on a guy in heath with his soulmate in the same room. So, let’s just say, you need to get mated quickly or he needs to get out of that house before hell takes over and he quite literally won’t be able to hold himself back like that anymore.

Things has changed since yesterday evening. You can feel it in your house, quiet and an unconfortable vibe ghosting through the rooms. Everything suddenly seem less nicer, as if something went horrible wrong and the decision you made yesterday wasn’t right.

Taehyung hasn’t been out of his room, not even for some food. But you haven’t called for him either. To be honest, you feel quite himuliated for what you did last night. It was something out of place to you. You would never and had never once in your life once graved someone this bad, and it creeped you the fuck out.

You were and still are very glad Taehyung stopped you, even though the lion inside of him almost took over his body. He was aware of what went through your head at that point, thank god for his abilities to be able to sence certain things like that. Maybe it’s also the reason for him to lock himself away, so he wont be able to effect you and himself in such a way again, not untill you are really aware of the concequenses of being with him, a lion.

Lions are most affectionate to their like-sexed companions. Females spend their lives in their mothers’ pride or with their sisters in a new pride; males may only spend a few years in a given pride but remain with their coalition partners throughout their lives.

You’ve been wondering a lot about this big cat within Taehyung. You’ve looked up a lot about lions and lions behavior. It appears that lions are very territorial, sometimes aggresive but also a sweet creature. He shows his love to the once that really matter, therefore only his own pack. Other packs aren’t welcome, they will get defensive and aggressive towards the others that threats him. You question if Taehyung might be like this too. You haven’t seen him doing anything like that. He must be more of a human than a lion after all.

You closed your laptop with a big sigh, hands wandering through your strands quite frustratingly. Your head hasn’t been able to focus on anything beside Taehyung for the past 6 hours that you’ve been awake. And honestly, it is really getting to your head.

You stand up while looking at your large klock hanging on your wall, seeing that it’s 6 pm and Taehyung and you would be needing to have dinner at this time. You begin to worry for a split second, knowing that Taehyung hasn’t eaten anything in the past day and you know that an hybrid needs to be fed well.

You walk up to the kitchen, immediately getting all the stuff you need to prepare the meal for the both of you. You’re making a steak with some potatoes and some vegetables. It’s easy and fast to prepare, something your prefer.

15 minutes past and dinner was all ready to be eaten. Now the scary part came, you had to get Taehyung out of his cave and to be honest, it’s something you’d like to postpone a little longer. But, reminding yourself to his health, it just has to be done and over with. It’s not like you’d have to talk with him or anything.

‘Taehyung?’ You try to call for him, knocking gently on his door. You couldn’t hear any motion on the other side, there with also no response. Still, you go on with your sentence. At the end it would be his choice wether he would want to eat ot not. ‘I.... dinner is done. You can eat if you’d like to... You don’t have to though.’

You almost slap yourself by the broken sentence that past your lips. You feel so uncomfortable and you didn’t knew if that was because you had to confront him or because you maybe... miss him?

Though the awkwardness in this house, your mind never left him. Though it might have ended quite wrong yesterday, it didn’t mean you stopped graving his attention, his touch and voice...

You wriggle your fingers, nervousness not missing to dawn over you for this whole minute that you’ve been standing in front of that door. You decide on walking away after a while, realizing Taehyung wouldn’t be going out of that room. Not when you’re there and you know exactly why, because even when you walk away from his door, you felt the strong affection towards him.

‘Fucking hell.’ You breathe out, walking to the kitchen to get your own food to eat. Needless to say that Taehyung didn’t went out of his room for the whole night too. It made you quite worried, questions constantly shooting through your head. Did he not like you anymore? Did he feel this uncomfortable? What is he dies because he hasn’t eaten all day?

You let out a last sigh as you finish your foot, now deciding on calling Iris in your bedroom. It’s a thing you do when you don’t know what to do anymore, you call Iris. Though she’s just as old as you, she still has seen and done way more in her life than you. Those horrible stories of Iris’s life is another story which will be told soon or later. Right now, you need her advise. Though she might not understand you situation, she always tries to place herself into your position and comes with a few tips that might help.

‘Hey! What’s up? Anything happening?’ You can already hear her concern from the other side of the line. You let out a sigh and nodded, though she couldn’t see it.

’Tell me.’ She says now 10 times more serious and you let out a chuckle, suddenly realizing how well she knows you.

‘Is it Taehyung?’ She asks and you nod again. Like some magical force had send her your thoughts, you can hear her sigh too. ‘What did he do?’

Your talk took at least 2 hours, you trying to explain your thoughts, feelings and everything that comes with it. She hadn’t laughed, though it certainly is something you would laugh at. It would sound so weird, hearing someone say they are sexual frustrated by an hybrid. There with, developing real feelings for such a extraordinary person, it’s not how it’s supposed to be. You always thought you would end up with a nice handsome guy, have a normal family and a normal job. You never asked more than that, but Taehyung is far from what you’ve thought about when you were younger.

‘Okay, I understand now.’ She finally says. ‘And I also kinda know what you should do.’

‘Okay, fire your tips at me.’ You giggle.

‘Okay, to what I understand, is that you’re scared of what will happen to you and the effect it will have on your life. Personally, I think you should listen to your heart and give into your feelings towards him. When it comes to love, you shouldn’t think too much, you should let it wash over you.’

The feedback is exactly like you’ve been telling yourself and like Emma told you. And of course, it’s the right thing. But anxiety just sometimes gets the best of you. You’re scared of the relationship, of the way your parents will react to it and how you would be living on.

‘I know you’re probably scared, but really, you should just give it a try. You will most likely regret not choosing him.’

Suddenly everything made sense within you. Like a switch that happened within you, you suddenly knew what to do. She was right, you need him in your life, you want him in your life. 

‘Fuck it.’

It was silent for a second before you could hear Iris laugh.

‘Get’m tiger!’

‘Lioness.’ You correct her words and laughed with her.

Like Taehyung had heard your whole conversation, you heard a door swing open from the other side of your apartment. You gulp as you stared at your door as you suddenly heard a beep from your phone, signaling you that Iris stopped the call.

You almost jumped off your bed as your own door suddenly swung open and a dark-looking Taehyung stood in the doorway, lust dripping off his expression. His tail was slowly sweeping behind him and his ears were focussing 100% on you. He knew it, he had felt your switch of thoughts.

‘I’m going to fuck you until you are full of my cubs in your belly.’

Oh boy

A/N: The next part will include a lot of smut, so y'all just wait a little bit!

[thovoid]

diary entry #2

every once in a while i will meet someone and get this all-consuming feeling that we were in love in another life. i usually only ever get to know them on a very surface level, but feel like ive known them for years. like i learned everything about them in a different world, and it was just within reach if i could only get them to see what i could see. i dont think any of them has ever felt the same.

the first was a boy that i had met when visiting my family down south. i had known him as a child during brief visits once a year, but id never really talked to him until the very last day of one of my trips three summers ago. we sat together—talking and laughing by the pool, innocently flirting at dinner, making awkward goodbyes by the car—and i bubbled with excitement and anxiety as i thought about the next time we would meet. we texted for months after that, but the distance fizzled us out and i was left with the one memory i had and the fantasy of what could be.

it was colder the next time. i only saw him once that year, and it was awkward and quick. friendly greeting, no goodbye.

last summer was different, though. i saw him a lot at first, but i was busy every minute of every day and we hardly had time to speak until the beach day. a big group of people all met at the beach, and i had a total of fifteen minutes that i was free to talk with whoever i wanted. we sat on dirty towels, burying our feet in the pale sand with our backs to the water, looking out at the snow peaked mountain that stood above. we laughed just as we had before, and it reminded me of my stupid feelings. i felt very at home in those moments, and i knew with all of my being that if we lived in the same state we would have been really happy. 

i dont know if i am ever going to see him again. if i dont, im okay with how it ended.

my second soulmate was a girl that we moved in next to last year, who probably doesnt remember my name and who i have only actually had one conversation with. besides when she came by to see if we were okay when rainwater flooded our garage, or when we would be leaving as she got home and she would wave at us to ask how we were doing, or when we bumped into each other at a party and i didnt recognize her because i was just a little too fucking inebriated, or when she served us at our favorite little italian restaurant and she told me i should totally apply because she makes bank on tip money. no, this conversation was different. maybe just as trivial, but this time we were alone. she was sitting in front of her garage with a toolbox and a vape pod (i had never thought vaping was attractive until i saw her absentmindedly take a hit, and then quickly blow the vapor out and put the pod down like she didnt even realize she had picked it up) and i was just getting home from a particularly sweaty day at work. she called me over to sit with her. we didnt talk about anything important, but i could tell she had a lot she wanted to say and no one to say it to. i felt like everything i could ever know about her was right within reach, i just needed to crack open the gates. as i was trying to decide whether or not to ask something that i probably would have regretted asking, her friend pulled into the driveway. i stood up and went back home.

the third one is the stupidest. he trained me on my first day in a new position at work. he is a few years older than me, he must be at least in his twenties. i have always thought he was 26, but i dont know if that’s true. at first i couldnt tell if i just respected him in a “please accept me as good enough because my father never told me he was proud of me” way, or a “please take me seriously because i want to fuck you” way. i started checking all the time if i was scheduled a shift with him, and i remember how my fingers would shake as i waited for the page to load. i started thinking about him all the time, and what it would be like if we were together, but i was too embarrassed to admit it to anyone and was too shy to have any sort of real conversation with him, which is out of character for me. my heart hurt when he would leave the room. 

i would observe him a lot, because random social functions would throw us into the same parties and day trips, and i felt like i understood him on a level that really intrigued me. just like with the others, i wanted to sit down and listen to everything he could possibly say about anything. for some reason i was still too fucking shy around him to make him think of me as anything more than a coworker, though.

the last shift i ever worked with him, i had a panic attack right before i got to work. i tried really hard to put my customer service face on, but i was noticeably spacey for my whole shift. it had me spiraling; i felt like a failure in front of him and i couldnt do anything right. no one could ever know that, though, so i kept distracting myself so i could blink back tears, and then move on like nothing was wrong. that was my last week at that job, and i am never going to see him again. its probably for the best.

the last one makes me feel icky. thinking about him now is making my chest bubble and my ears pound.

during my senior year i had to go to a college campus for one of my classes for a few months. it was a night class so it was mostly filled with adults, but there was this one really hot guy covered in tattoos, who i pegged to be around 21. he had soft blonde hair and light scruff. we wore faded jeans that fit him nicely and an oversized jumper, so the only tats visible were on his hand and the one behind his ear. it made him look tough but gentle. he asked for my number and i gave it to him. he said he was drawn to me for some reason. it felt like fate, because i felt exactly the same way. 

i never really get crushes on people. i know a lot of people—i use tinder, i meet people at parties, i even sometimes go on dates—but i never really feel attracted to people. whether its a hot guy that i see on the street, or a really nice girl that makes me laugh, or someone i can sit down with and talk to for hours. that’s why when i get these feelings for these few people that i barely know, it feels like it’s something more than a crush. so when he told me he was thirty and he thought i was really hot for my age, i wanted to believe that it was still fate, and that i wouldnt just feel like this for no reason. i let him say things to me that i would normally ghost someone over, and i tried to convince myself that it was normal.

nothing extraordinary or exciting ever came of this. i quickly realized that a man that was 13 years older should not be texting like this to me, so i told him i wasnt going to work out and blocked his number in a way that required the least amount of confrontation. i brought pepper spray to school with me every day after that.

anyway. i dont know what any of this means, if it means anything. maybe these were all just normal ass crushes, and if i was just a little bit less scared of my emotions i would have a real story. or maybe people are just more connected than we think.

[zoemurph]

to have a friend, chapter 10: $233

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9

haha im dying!

thank you for being patient. i have one essay left, a group project (that includes another essay :P), a final quiz, a flash fiction piece, and a final. and i'm done with my first semester of college? i'm actually...taking next semester off so...probably more consistent updates after this. phew. oh and i won nano? wild

i'm exhausted and genuinely don't like at least 75% of this chapter, but it's done. please please p l e a s e read the end notes for a little disclaimer thanks

warnings: anxiety, depression, panic attacks, let me know if any other warnigns should be added

enjoy~

Sometimes Connor has the really strong urge to hold Evan’s hand.

It’s a weird feeling. This desire to just reach out and take Evan’s hand in his own and not even say anything, just hold it.

Sometimes Connor thinks that romantic feelings are bullshit. Especially when it’s seven in the morning and Evan sees him waiting by the locker and lights up like the goddamn sun and Connor’s stomach tries to become an Olympic gymnast.

Like right now.

Evan stands next to Connor, their arms almost touching, as he talks to Alana. They’re still trying to figure out a name for their club, because for whatever reason, Alana refuses to use The Fuck Project.

Jared thinks it’s hilarious, which has somehow worked against the name.

Alana is going on about the details. Evan nods, and he probably knows what’s going on, but Connor’s zoned out. Alana has this in the bag and also Connor isn’t actually involved in their little pet project. Even if the initial idea did come from Alana being way too fucking nosy.

She’s nice when she’s not picking Connor’s brain.

So Alana and Evan talk and Connor stands and people pass them and time until the next class starts ticks down and down and down. It’s a nice moment. Weirdly calm. For once, Connor doesn’t feel entirely awful, despite where he is and everything about himself.

He still wants to hold Evan’s hand.

It’s not like Connor actively tries to think about it. The opposite, in fact. As soon as thoughts about dating Evan pop up, he shoves them to the very back of his brain. He quarantines them away in the darkest corners, because thinking about it hurts.

Evan has made himself a constant in Connor’s life. But a temporary constant. Which is weird and annoying and tiring. Sometimes Connor’s emotions bubble up inside him and threaten to spill out and then Evan will give him this look when Connor pays him and everything just vanishes. Evan looks at Connor and all Connor’s thoughts shrink back and go ‘fuck never mind’.  

That doesn’t mean that he’s actually good about not thinking it. He’s getting worse, actually. It’s turning into a mild problem.

Evan can just look at Connor and Connor’s heart will flip and his mind will be consumed with ‘holy fuck I would date the shit out of him’.

He would. Connor has absolutely zoned out staring at Evan on multiple occasions. He keeps passing it off as being tired and honestly it’s a miracle that Evan hasn’t started asking about Connor’s sleep schedule— which is a disaster but isn’t why Connor keeps staring Evan.

Connor keeps staring at Evan because his brain is a fucking traitor and likes to think about what it would be like to kiss Evan.

Of all the boys to fall in love with, Connor had to go and fall in love with Evan Hansen.

Connor checks his phone under his desk. It’s been facedown on his desk — he’s making an attempt in calculus because he’s doing a really shit job right now and he has to pass because he literally cannot spend a day longer in this hellscape than he has to — but he can see the screen lighting up repeatedly.

From: Ev To: Connor      AR eyou in clasright no w      Of cours e youre in c alss where els e wi oudl you b      Im so ryrcan you g et out ?

Connor squints at the board. There are x’s and t’s and some other bullshit that he doesn’t understand. A lot of lines and marks.

Fuck.

He opens another conversation.

From: dickbag To: assface      you any good at calc?

Jared replies surprisingly fast. Actually, not so surprisingly. Connor is actually not surprised at all that Jared uses his phone in class.

From: assface To: dickbag      ive got a mean b in calc bc      y

Connor raises his hand and asks to go to the bathroom. The teacher waves him out the door and keeps teaching.

From: assface To: dickbag      i have to do something and i need to not fail      you willing to tell me what the fuck is happening?

From: Connor To: Ev      where are you? got out of class

Connor heads to the bathroom, because he’s already on the third floor and that’s where Evan was last time. And it’s the closest bathroom. His phone buzzes in his hand as he hurries through the hall and he tries not to groan when it’s just Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface      no promises but i can try      dont know y ur coming to me lmao      also i charge $10/hr

From: assface To: dickbag      fine but youre a dick

Connor pushes the bathroom door open. The lights are on, someone’s been in here in the past ten minutes, but the bathroom is empty. He drags his hand through his hair and catches a look at himself in the mirror.

Wow. He looks like shit.

Connor rubs his face and checks his phone again. It’s been buzzing, but it’s just been Jared.

From: dickbag To: assface      not news      whats so important that ur running out of class??      o shit drugs?      420 blaze it      i dont kno weed culture

As Connor scrolls through Jared’s messages, a text from Evan pops up on the top of his screen.

From: Ev To: Connor      J aanito s clostesecond follr

Connor runs into a wide eyed freshman as he hurries out of the bathroom and swings around a corner to get to the stairs. He only vaguely knows where that closet it, because he’s never had a reason to pay attention to it. Janitor’s closets are usually locked and it’s not like Connor is observant when it comes to his surroundings.

He skips the last few steps and just jumps down to the landing, slowing to a fast walk as he searches the hallway for the janitor’s closet. He finds it tucked into a corner between two classrooms. He glances up and down the hallway before he knocks softly. He tries the handle and knocks again before he pulls the door open.

“Evan?” he asks softly into the darkened closet. Light from the hallway spills into the darkness, barely brushing Evan’s shoes. Evan is huddled into the corner furthest away from the door, squished between shelves, on the ground with his knees pulled to his chest and his arms covering his head.

Connor stares for a minute, listening to Evan’s ragged breathing, before he steps into the closet. He turns on his phone’s flashlight and covers it with his hand before pulling the door closed. He lets some light slip through his fingers and finds a bottle of Windex on one of the shelves. He puts his phone under it and the room glows blue. Maybe life hacks aren’t always as shitty as they seem.

Connor sits down on the floor next to Evan. “Ev,” he whispers. “Can I help?”

Evan doesn’t look up. After a few seconds he stops holding on to his hair so tightly and holds a shaking hand out to Connor. Connor takes it. Almost immediately, Evan’s hand clenches around Connor’s, squeezing Connor’s fingers tightly. Connor moves over so the position is less awkward and lightly squeezes Evan’s hand back. 

Connor sits and waits, because he doesn’t really know what else to do. He watches Evan’s breathing and tries not to let his mind wander too much, because it’s too early in the day for any of that shit.

Evan loosens his grip on Connor’s hand and the tension seems to run out of his body. He sags against the wall and slowly lifts his head from his knees. He pulls his hand away. “S-sor-sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Connor says. His voice sounds weirdly rough. He clears it and stretches out his fingers.

Evan stares at them. “I— i-if I hurt your…your hand I didn’t mean to I just—”

“You didn’t,” Connor interrupts quickly. “See?” He wiggles his fingers. “Work just fine.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Do you…uh, want to talk about it?”

Evan makes a strangled sound. “N-nothing to… I mean there’s always—” He rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. “D-dr. Sherman always says that— that there’s something? And I just don’t u-understand what so I’m…supposed to process it. But I just…”

“I think it’s a fucking lot to ask you to process shit right after a panic attack,” Connor says flatly.

Evan shrugs helplessly. “I don’t— I-I forget. I forget what I’m— what I feel in the moment a-and what I was thinking and then when she asks what was going through my mind I can’t tell her and then I feel worse and like a failure and I think I’m supposed to be getting better because I go to therapy and I take meds and—” Evan cuts himself off to take a deep breath. “It takes time,” Evan says softly. “It takes time. It takes time and it’ll get better it just—”

“Takes time?” Connor asks.

Evan smiles at him weakly. “Y-yeah.”

The bell rings, slightly muffled. Evan goes tense.

Connor thinks about his calculus teacher. She probably won’t be thrilled that he skipped out on the rest of class, but whatever. Maybe he’ll do homework for once and try to get back on her disinterested side.

“Your mom is working right now, isn’t she?” Connor asks slowly.

Evan nods. “Yeah, she’s a-always working. Pretty much.”

“We’ve still got three classes to get through.” Connor bumps their knees together. “Can you hide out in the nurse’s office or something? I’d say just leave, but…” Evan shakes his head. “Yeah, exactly. I don’t know shit about doing things the ‘right’ way.”

“I’ll…be okay,” Evan says.

Connor stares at him.

“It’s-it’s really fine,” Evan insists.

“Ev—”

“I’ve done it before, it’s not a big… I’ll just— it’s okay, really.”

“You aren’t taking the bus home today,” Connor says. He gets to his feet and takes the Windex off of his phone. “Light warning.” Evan covers his eyes. Connor flicks the light on and winces in the brightness before shutting off his flashlight. He slides his phone into his pocket and offers Evan his hand.

Evan takes it and lets Connor haul him to his feet. “Y-you don’t have to—”

“Fuck the bus,” Connor interrupts. “Zoe has a perfectly good car.”

Evan blinks. “Doesn’t she have rehearsal today?”

“How do you know my sister’s schedule better than I do?” Connor opens the door of the closet and peers out into the hallway. They have to be careful, because high school is fucking hell. Most people won’t give a shit and don’t pay attention to shit, but all it takes is one person assuming something. When no one is looking, he steps out of the closet and pulls Evan along, walking away from the closet quickly and melting into the thinning crowd. “So what if we have to wait for her to get out, just hang around with me for a little bit.”

As soon as Connor says it, his stomach twists. “I don’t have any today but—”

Evan stops walking, yanking Connor back a bit. They’re still holding hands. Connor pulls his away and puts his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt.

“D-don’t,” Evan says.

Connor furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

“You’re already— you’re doing me a favor by…by driving me home. So you don’t have to…” Evan gestures with his hands. “Debt paid. It’s— you’re fine.” Connor stares at him. “I— okay.”

Evan takes a step back. “I have to… I have class. I’ll see you after.” He spins on his heel and walks down the hallway, dodging other students before disappearing around a corner.

—«·»—

Connor drops into his seat in the back of AP Literature and puts his head down on his desk.

He needs to think about something — anything — other than Evan. Evan is supposed to be the one who thinks himself into an anxious spiral, not Connor. And Connor can’t help but feel like something is horribly wrong.

But, fuck, he wouldn’t stop their arrangement for anything. He’ll keep paying Evan to put up with him in the halls for as long as he possibly can, just to see Evan smile.

He wants to see Evan smile today. Anything other than the empty expression he had on his face when he walked away from Connor earlier.

Alana sits down next to Connor. Sometimes Connor forgets him and Alana talk now, even if it’s only because she’s Evan’s friend and probably thinks this is a good way to keep tabs on Evan. All she’s ever wanted from Connor is information, anyway.

Connor stares out the window at the icy field hockey field spread out in front of the school as the teacher starts the lesson. Something about the essay they have due in a few days at midnight.

Alana hands over her essay, printed and typed, five pages long double spaced and stapled in the corner. “It’s just a rough draft,” she says.

Connor blinks at the paper. “Uh…were we supposed to…”

She shakes her head. “No, we just needed to have an outline today.” She adjusts her glasses and opens a notebook. “But if you didn’t—”

“I did,” Connor says quickly. He actually did for once. “Here.” He pulls out his notebook and flips through pages and pages of shitty sketches to the section where he just stuffs any loose papers he’s handed. He pulls out the outline and smooths it out a little. “Don’t expect anything.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Alana says as she takes it from him.

Connor squints at her. “I did this while high so it’s either a brilliant disaster or just a fucking mess.”

Alana grins. “I hope it’s a brilliant disaster.”

“Probably not.”

She just shrugs and pulls out a pen, tapping it on her notebook as she skims over the outline. Connor turns to Alana’s essay and starts reading. Alana likes words and complex sentences. She’s good at backing up her points with evidence from the text, and doesn’t dance around her conclusions. She has a structure and logic to her essay that Connor’s never been able to achieve. He just sort of says words until he feels like he’s done.

He reads her fourth paragraph a few times, picking at his nail polish as he does so. He glances over to Alana and then reads it again.

She’s scribbling on his outline when he looks back to her. She meets his eyes. “Something wrong?”

Connor’s eyes flick from her to her essay. “Uh…no.”

Alana rolls her eyes and hands him her pen. “Fix it. Whatever it is. That’s the entire point of peer review.”

“I could be wrong—” Connor starts, but Alana holds up a hand to stop him.

“I’ll decide what to do with your feedback. Just do it.”

Connor nods slowly and hesitates with the pen hovering over the paper. “What are you doing, by the way?”

“Translating.”

“What?”

Alana pulls another pen from her backpack and uncaps it. “Your outline is good, you have some really good ideas in here, it’s just lost in the typos and grammar.”

“I can figure it out,” Connor says. “You don’t have to do that shit.”

Alana raises an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

Connor blinks. “…not anymore?”

She nods firmly. “Exactly. You edit mine, I’ll edit yours. You won’t hurt my feelings, please, feel free to rip it to shreds.”

Connor exhales slowly. “Okay, Beck. Whatever.” He strikes out a sentence. “Whatever you say.”    

—«·»—

Connor meets Evan by Evan’s locker. They lock eyes and for a second everything feels weird. And then Jared shows up.

Connor has never been relieved to see Jared Kleinman before.

“What’s up?” Jared asks, clapping a hand on Evan’s shoulder. “My…main bros.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “Don’t call me that.”

“Alright, crossing that off the list.” Jared gives Evan a look and Evan shrugs. Connor looks between them and shifts his weight to his other foot. “Anyway, you free on Saturday?” he asks Evan.

Evan blinks. “Y-yes?”

“My moms wanted you over for dinner. They’re going to try to harass Heidi into coming too but,” Jared shrugs, “we know how that is.”

Evan smiles and ducks his head. “I-I mean— yeah that’d be…that’d be nice. Um, I can…ask my mom?”

“Nice.” Jared holds his fist out for a fist bump. Evan rolls his eyes and knocks their knuckles together. “Okay, text me, cause if she’s working, I’ll swing by and pick you up.”

Evan nods. “O-okay, I will.”

“Sweet, got to dash or I’ll never get out of here.” Jared shoots finger guns at Connor. “See, ya Murph,” he says before sprinting down the hallway.

Connor lifts a hand to wave goodbye as jealousy twists in his stomach. It makes him feel gross. He swallows it and turns to Evan. “So, uh…we can probably hide in a practice room until Zoe’s done.”

Evan pulls on the straps of his backpack. “A-are they, um, open? Because I know, I mean I’ve heard because sometimes the band kids in my classes complain about this, that they lock? Or get locked? So…”

“We can…check?” Connor suggests.

Evan nods. “That’s…probably a good idea.”

Connor leads Evan down to the music wing. The first two practice rooms are locked, but the third that they try is unlocked. Connor raises his eyebrows at Evan and pushes the door open. The lights flicker on automatically and Evan closes the door behind them.

All four of the practice rooms are the same in Connor’s experience, a keyboard and bench, a trash, and maybe a stand or chair that someone has dragged in. Except one, that for some reason, has two pianos. They lucked out and that is exactly the room they’re in. Less room, but it doesn’t really matter.

Evan puts his bag down on one of the piano benches and then sits on the floor in the space between the end of the piano and the wall.

Connor coughs. “Uh…are you…okay?” He winces. Yikes.

“Tired,” Evan says softly.

Connor glances to the light switch before pressing the button to turn off the lights. There’s still a decent amount of light from the window in the door, but it’s darker. Connor puts down his bag and joins Evan on the floor. Evan looks up at him.

“Take a nap,” Connor suggests.

Evan blinks at him.

Connor sighs. “Scoot over.”

Evan moves so he’s as close to the piano as he can get. Connor squeezes into the space between Evan and the wall. There’s way more space in these practice rooms than it seems, the pianos make them look small.

Connor pulls on the sleeve of Evan’s sweatshirt. “Just lean on me. More comfortable than the wall, probably, though I’m basically all bone.”

“Y-you sure?”

Connor rolls his eyes because it feels right. “I wouldn’t be offering if I wasn’t. Close your eyes, Ev.”

“Okay,” Evan whispers. He rests his head on Connor’s shoulder. “Wake me up if your arm falls asleep.”

“Sure,” Connor lies.

A few minutes later, Evan’s breathing starts to even out. When Connor is sure that he’s asleep, he carefully pulls his phone out of his pocket.

From: C To: Z      waiting in practice room c      evans napping so dont come in just knock or some shit

Once he’s sent the texts, he puts his phone down and turns his attention back to Evan. Connor turns his head to look down at Evan, and when his nose brushes Evan’s hair, his heart goes into double time.

Fuck.

—«·»—

Connor thinks he’s drifted off when Zoe finally knocks on the door. He inhales sharply and sits up straighter, eyes wide. He leans forward to see Zoe standing in front of the door with her guitar on her back and her saxophone in hand.

He leans back and sighs. Okay.

Connor shakes Evan’s shoulder. “Ev, Ev wake up. Zoe’s done.”

Evan groans and blinks blearily. “Huh?”

Connor’s breath catches in his throat. He finds himself lost in Evan’s sleepy eyes for a moment too long and hopes Evan’s still too asleep to notice. “Zoe,” he says. “We can go home now.”

“Oh.” Evan pulls himself to his feet using the piano. About halfway up, he grabs Connor’s arm and pulls Connor up as well.

They grab their bags and open the door.

“Sleep well?” Zoe asks with a smirk.

Connor flips her off behind Evan.

Evan shrugs. “I-it was the floor.”

Connor takes Zoe’s saxophone from her. “Let’s go. I have an essay to write.”

Zoe blinks. “You do?”

“Unfortunately,” he grumbles.

The parking lot is blissfully empty when they step outside. The air is bitter and cold, and Connor wishes that it would just snow more than half an inch so the burning cold is worth it. He grabs Evan’s arm when Evan slips on ice and Zoe makes an offhanded comment about driving and black ice.

“You know?” she says to Evan.

Evan blinks. “N-no, I don’t— I don’t drive?”

Zoe frowns. “Do you take the bus?”

Evan turns pink, and Connor wonders if he’s redder because of the cold or not. “Yeah, it’s…yeah.”

Zoe looks to Connor.

“What?” Connor asks.

“What time does the bus pick you up?” Zoe asks.

“Uh…” Evan slows his walk. “I— around like…6:35?”

Zoe purses her lips. “Okay. Monday? We can swing by and pick you up.” She twirls her car keys around her finger. “Unless you hate my music choices as much as Connor does.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Evan says quickly.

“Too late,” Zoe sing songs. She unlocks the car and pops the trunk open. She puts her guitar in and then takes her saxophone from Connor. “We’d be happy to, right Connor?”

“Duh,” Connor says. “The bus is bullshit.”

“Good for the environment,” Evan says. “P-public transport!”

“We’re already using this car.” Zoe slams the trunk shut. “So it doesn’t actually matter. No additional cars on the road, just one less Evan the a bus.”

“Uh…”

“Sleep on it.” She rubs her arms. “Let’s go before I freeze.” She glances to Connor as she moves to the driver’s side. “How are you alive?”

Connor shrugs and pulls open the car door. He slides into the backseat next to Evan. “Can’t feel cold if you’re dead inside.”

Zoe twists around in her seat to glare at him before shutting the door. She turns on the car, blasts the heat even though it’s just air at the moment, and plugs her phone in. “Today we’re listening to Billy Joel,” she announces. “Get over it Connor.”

Connor just leans his forehead against the cold window as Uptown Girl plays from the speakers.

Zoe asks for directions a few times, but for the most part, they drive in silence aside from the Billy Joel in the slowly warming car.

Connor sits up when they arrive at Evan’s. “I’ll text you,” he says.

Evan gives him a smile. “Y-yeah. Thanks for the ride.”

“I’ll see you Monday at 6:40!” Zoe calls out before he shuts the door. She turns to look at Connor. “You moving up?”

“I guess.” Connor unbuckles and climbs over the center consul to get into the passenger seat. He buckles back in and Zoe backs out of the driveway.

“So…” she says slowly. “You and Evan.”

“What about us?” Connor asks flatly.

Zoe glances to him. “Anything…up?”

“Do you want me to say it?”

“No, but I can’t stop you from doing shit.”

“The sky.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Great, now that that’s out of the way—”

“Nothing,” Connor interrupts. “Can’t two people be friends?”

“Well, yeah, obviously.” Zoe taps on the steering wheel. “You just seem like more than that.”

Connor scoffs. More like barely that. “We aren’t.”

“Do you want to be?”

Connor stares at the road. “The light is green.”

Connor spends most of his Saturday writing his paper. Because Alana had written all over his outline and now he feels obligated to make something half decent out of the genius she turned his bullshit into. Also, she shared her essay with him on google docs the night before for him to edit — he does not know why the fuck she did that and hates the fact that school emails are standardized so she didn’t even have to ask for his email — and offered to edit his in return. He’s not going to give up that opportunity. He’s doing fine in english but another solid essay grade can get his parents to calm down for at least a day.

He texts Evan and draws when he’s not writing. The other weekend, Cynthia dragged him off to the store with her, so he threw a cheap set of kids’ watercolors in the cart. And a box of Capri sun. He sits on his floor and drinks a Capri sun while he waits for a painting to dry. Evan is making lunch right now, so it’ll be a few minutes before he responds. Evan doesn’t usually text Connor while he’s making food, apparently the risk of fire is higher than normal, and that’s not just Evan’s anxiety talking.

Evan had texted him the night before thanking him for the ride home. Connor had replied ‘what are friends for’ and then threw his phone across the room so he didn’t have to read Evan’s response. It didn’t end up mattering, because Evan’s next text wasn’t sent until this morning, and it was a frantic apology because he fell asleep before responding.

Connor just said it was fine and changed the subject as fast as he could.

Connor sighs and gets to his feet. As he waits for the painting to dry, he’s really fucking impatient, he takes pictures of some of his least shitty doodles from class and posts them on a randomass tumblr he made after Evan suggested posting his art online. Mostly Connor did it out of curiosity, he didn’t really use the site otherwise, just posts drawings and then vanishes for a few days, but it’s also good because it means he has somewhere where all his art was stored digitally. He might’ve accidentally spilt a mug of coffee all over a notebook the other day. And he distinctly remembers setting a few sketchbooks on fire back in middle school.

From: Ev To: Connor      Back ! ANd I didnt evne burn anything

Connor smiles to himself and leans against his bed.

From: Connor To: Ev      congrats you now have the cooking skills of a 12 year old

From: Ev To: Connor      :((

Connor hesitates before typing out his next message. He really shouldn’t ask — it’s a fucking terrible idea on so many levels — but it’s been slowly eating away at him. Which doesn’t make sense. But whatever.

From: Connor To: Ev      doesnt matter though i mean youre having dinner tonight wth jared right??

He puts his phone on his desk and goes back to painting and tries not to think about it for a few minutes. It’s not fair of him to get jealous. Because Jared is trying to get better. He’s still a dick but there’s an attempt there.

Connor hasn’t changed anything.

He sits on the floor and works on the painting. Now that he has slightly less shitty watercolors, they’re still pretty garbage but they aren’t old and mostly gone, he uses way too much purple again.

Whatever.

He doesn’t check his phone again until he has to wait for more paint to dry. He’s tempted to grab a sketchbook and keep ignoring it, but that’s not fair to Evan.

From: Ev To: Connor      Oh  y eah      We used to ha ve dinner a lot togethe r when ew wer elittle      All oru moms were friends      Kinda weird that were doing it again but… NIce?? Hopefull y ?      My mom s ocming which is nice      She hasnt been home ofr a few nights so yeah

Connor takes a slow breath before replying.

From: Connor To: Ev      thats pretty cool      i hope its fun and the food doesnt suck

Evan replies almost immediately, even though Connor took almost twenty minutes to respond.

From: Ev To: Connor      Thnk you!!!      Jareds moms are really good cook sso itll be good I think      I hope dinner goes ok for you tonight !! Good luck :)

Connor stares at the smiley face and falls on his bed with a groan.

—«·»—

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Evan lately,” Larry says, pushing quino around his plate.

Connor resists the urge to roll his eyes. They never really talked about that. Sometimes, when Zoe goes over a friend’s house or has a friend over, Connor will give Larry a very pointed look and Larry will find something on his phone fascinating. An amazing double standard.

And, like? Of course he spends time with Evan. They’re best friends— pretending to be best friends. Connor doesn’t know how to get that through Larry’s thick skull.

Evan is Connor’s best friend.

“Well yeah,” Connor says, stabbing a piece of kale with his fork. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Wait, shit— 

Zoe chokes on her drink.

“What?!” Larry practically shouts, silverware hitting the table.

Connor opens his mouth to explain that technically, no, they aren’t boyfriends, though they are friends who are boys, even if sometimes Evan looks at him and makes Connor feel like he’s turning to putty. But they aren’t actually—

He glances to his mom with wide eyes. “Mom? Are you okay?”

Cynthia smiles, eyes watering. “I’m just so happy for you, sweetie!”

Connor slowly looks around the table. His mother crying tears of joy, his father staring at him in shock, his sister trying to bite back a smile.

Connor needs to talk to Evan immediately.

They’re fucked.

—«·»—

Connor grabs Zoe’s before she can disappear into her bedroom. She stiffens and he pulls his hand away. “Sorry.”

“You’re fine.” She crosses her arms. “I thought you told me nothing was going on between you and Evan.” She raises her eyebrows.

Connor grimaces. “I— don’t tell Evan.”

Zoe tilts her head. “Don’t tell Evan…you’re dating?”

Fuck. “No, no, fuck.” Connor frantically searches his mind. “I, uh, we weren’t going to…tell people? Yet? And I…fucked that up. So don’t— don’t mention it to him until like he says something or whatever, okay?”

Zoe mimes zipping her lips. “Secret’s safe with me. But also, I fucking knew it.”

Connor forces a laugh and runs his hand through his hair. “Yeah. You did.”

Zoe goes back into her room and Connor grabs his phone and goes down to the basement. He wonders if he can get his door back for Hanukkah, but for now, this is the only private place he’s got. He would lock himself in the bathroom, but that’s still way too close to the rest of his family members for comfort.

He flicks on the light as he heads down the stairs and grabs a blanket off the back of one of the chairs. The basement is about half finished and has been since Connor was in middle school. One of those projects that Larry never got around to finishing. Now they mostly use it for storage and hanging out when it gets too hot in the summer and even central air isn’t working well enough. Him and Zoe used to camp out for weeks in the basement on air mattresses and stay up way past their bedtimes giggling.

Now it’s December. He hasn’t been down here since he punched the far wall when everyone else was asleep. Him and Zoe haven’t spent time together in here in years. They haven’t done much together in years.

Connor wraps himself in a blanket and sits down in one of the old oversized chairs. They’re only down here because the went out of style and were deemed unworthy for the living room.

He unlocks his phone, scrolls through his contacts, and presses call. Then he listens to the phone ring and hopes that they’re done with dinner at the Kleinmans’ while he waits for the call to be answered.

“Hello?”

Connor grits his teeth. “Hi. I…might need help.”

“Is it about Evan?”

Connor frowns. “Why do you assume it’s about Evan?” It is but—

Jared laughs. “Dude, we aren’t friends. The only reason you talk to me is because of Evan. What’s up?”

Connor blinks. He’s just gotten so used to having Jared constantly around that it’s like they’re basically friends. But not. Because Connor doesn’t have any real friends.  

“I,” Connor clears his throat, “my family now thinks Evan and I are dating.”

There’s a long pause. Connor waits for Jared to start cackling, but Jared just whispers, “Holy shit.”

“Say whatever shit you want to now,” Connor mutters. “Get it out.”

“Holy shit,” Jared repeats. Connor rolls his eyes. “Murphy, what the fuck.”

“Yeah, I know, I fucked up.”

“What are you going to do?” Jared sounds almost amazed.

Connor frowns at the phone. This is not how he thought this conversation would go. “Pay Evan two hundred dollars? I know you meant that as a joke but—”

“Fucking shit, my dude. What the hell!”

Connor drags his hand through his hair. “Kleinman, my mom started crying when I said Evan was my boyfriend, okay? I can’t— fuck. I don’t know.”

Jared whistles.

Connor picks at his nailpolish. “Would Evan…go along with it? Do you think?”  

“I think that’s a question for Evan.”

“I’m asking you.”

Jared snorts. “Okay, fine. I think he’ll go along with it.” It almost feels like Jared is going to say something more, but he doesn’t. “You got two hundred bucks lying around?”

“No,” Connor admits. He has an idea. It’s a terrible idea that could backfire, but it’s an idea.

“So…how are you going to get it?” Jared gasps. “Oh shit! Are we going to rob a bank?”

Connor frowns. “No? Why is that the first thing you came up with? Why would you rob a bank for two hundred dollars? Wouldn’t fucking…normal robbery be easier?”

“Fuck off. Are we doing that?”

“No.”

“Well we both know you’re not getting a job—”

“Fuck you.”

“—and that would probably take too long. Are we going to sell weed?”

“What? No,” Connor says. “Also how long did you restrain yourself before asking that?”

“Too long for that boring answer and reaction,” Jared admits. “Give me something to work with, stoner kid. We could just steal it. I know you said no, but—”

“Jared what the fuck,” Connor interrupts.

“Dude, you aren’t offering any ideas here, I’m just trying to help out.”

Connor rubs the bridge of his nose. “Fucking— do you know how PayPal works?”

“Yeah sure,” Jared says. “Super easy, why?”

Connor sighs. “Would you be willing to help me set one up?”

“Ten bucks.”

“Fine.”

“Yeah sure, you wanted some help on calc anyway. Do you have info on your bank account, by the way?”

“I…can find it,” Connor says slowly. “Does tomorrow work? My house?”

“Yeah sure, my man. Shoot me an address and a time. I expect snacks.”

 Jared shows up on the doorstep ten minutes earlier than Connor expected with his backpack slung over one shoulder and a Starbucks drink in his left hand. “Sup.”

Connor rolls his eyes. “You’re early.”

“Fashionably.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Whatever.”  

Zoe leans out of the dining room. “Who’s here?”

Connor steps aside to let Jared in. Jared waves at Zoe.

Zoe squints. “What are you doing here?”

“So nice to see you again too, Smaller Murphy,” Jared says. He kicks his shoes off and puts them next to Zoe’s converse.

“Calc,” Connor says. “I’m…not doing great.”

“But you aren’t failing yet,” Jared says. “So we’re just going to keep you from not doing that. What are you learning again?”

Connor shrugs. “Something implicit. I’ll show you the homework.”

Jared nods. “Chill, chill.”

“Aren’t you friends with Alana?” Zoe asks.

“I…guess?” Connor frowns. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“She’s the valedictorian, isn’t she? Why didn’t you ask her for help?”

“Uh…” Connor looks to Jared.

Jared takes a sip of his drink. “I’m genuinely offended, by the way. I’m no Alana Beck but I am passing AP Calc BC, which is more than you can say for seventy percent of our class. Don’t take it.”

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Zoe assures him. “Just didn’t tutoring was your…thing.”

“Alana tutors,” Jared says.

“I know, that’s my point.”

“Ha ha very funny. She tutors a lot of people so it makes sense that I take someone off her workload.” Jared points to Connor. “As her friend, Connor understands.”

“Right.” Connor nods. “That.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t judging you or anything I was just wondering. Have fun. Don’t set the house on fire, I’m going over Pippa’s to work on our history project, and Mom and Dad are out shopping or something.”

“I’ll keep Jared away from anything breakable,” Connor promises.

“I remind you I’m doing you a favor,” Jared says.

“You’re making me pay you.”

“Shit you’re right.”

—«·»—

“This is easy shit,” Jared says, looking up from Connor’s textbooks. “Really easy.”

Connor flips him off.

“I’ll explain it!” Jared promises. “This makes my job easier, probably. So back to real reason I’m here—”

“You are here to help me with math.” Connor reaches for his laptop. “I’m going to open commissions.”

Jared stares at him with a blank expression.

“Commissions,” Connor repeats slowly.

Jared blinks. “Since when do you draw?”

“Do you actually know anything about me?” Connor asks.

Jared looks away. “Valid. How can I help?”

“Mostly just need help with PayPal. And maybe wording the post? I don’t know shit about talking to people.” Connor opens his laptop and logs in. He closes a few tabs and opens up tumblr. He hesitates and then opens his blog. “Here.”

“Your theme is awful,” Jared says flatly.

“Did I ask you?”

“Didn’t have to.” Jared clicks a few times. “Dude, if you want to be selling your art, you need a theme that isn’t painful to look at.” Connor opens his mouth to protest, but Jared holds up a hand. “I’m doing you a favor here. Give me like ten minutes. I will change your world.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

Jared pushes away in the desk chair. “Too late, I’m not helping if we don’t change this ugly ass theme. Doodle or something while I do this. Make a commissions banner, I don’t fucking know.” Jared hunches over the laptop and starts typing.

Connor stares at him. Hopefully Jared isn’t going to charge him for this too.

Forty minutes later, Connor is putting aside a random drawing and Jared is looking up from the laptop.

“Bam, motherfucker,” Jared announces spinning the laptop around. “A picture heavy theme with easy navigation, readable text, and colors that don’t make me want to stab my eyes out.” Connor leans forward to see it. It actually looks pretty decent. And pretty professional. Jared has also added a few links, including one to Connor’s still nonexistent PayPal and a commissions page. “By the way, your art is pretty rad.”

Connor blinks. “Thanks. Did you want that bank account information?”

“Yeah sure.”

Connor gets up from the floor. “Let’s break into my dad’s office.”

Jared sets aside the laptop. “Sweet.”

—«·»—

Connor sits down in the chair in Larry’s office. He pulls open one of the lower drawers in the desk and flips through the the hanging folders until he finds one with his name.

“Don’t steal my identity or anything,” he says to Jared as he hands him one of the folders. “But see if anything in there is what you need.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jared starts flipping through the papers. “Your identity is too lame to steal.”

“Thanks.”

Connor skims over various forms and papers with his name all over them. So weird that he’s attached to all of these things but doesn’t understand any of them. That might be concerning. Is he supposed to know what these mean? He squints at something that looks like it has something to do with money.

“I can’t believe you’re going through with this,” Jared mutters.

Connor looks up. “With?”

“This fake dating shit.” Jared puts a stack of papers down on the desk. “I thought this was convoluted before.”

“You helped.”

“So you two keep reminding me.” Jared flips a piece of paper over. “I think this is it.”

“Cool.” Connor puts his folder away and Jared puts Connor’s laptop on the desk. Connor fills out what he can and Jared helps with the rest.

“And you have a PayPal,” Jared announces, finishing the form. “If you click this you can transfer money to your bank account, which is how you’ll get the money off the internet and into Evan’s hands.”

Connor nods. “Makes sense.” He grabs the papers and puts them back into the folder. He puts it back in the bottom drawer and makes sure everything is just how Larry left it before he gets up from the chair.

“I genuinely didn’t think either of you would get invested in this shit,” Jared says as they stop in the kitchen to grab a bag of chips.

Connor shrugged. “I fucked up, that doesn’t mean anything.”

Jared gives him a flat look before biting into a chip. “Let’s just finish this shit so I can teach you how implicit differentiation works.”

Connor wrinkles his nose. “Fine.”

They bring the bag of chips up to Connor’s bedroom and sit on the floor with Connor’s laptop in front of them. Between handfuls of chips, Jared sentences to the post.

“We can’t call it ‘I’m Gay Give Me Money’,” Connor protests.

“Why not?” Jared asks. “It’s tumblr.”

“What’s your point?”

Jared pulls the laptop closer and starts typing. “We just say like… ‘I’m trying to meet my boyfriend’, we stay vague on the details no one wants to know the complexity of this shit and also it’s weird as fuck, ‘so I’m opening commissions’. Blah blah blah here are details…” Jared looks up at Connor. “Any suggestions for prices?”

Connor shrugs.

“You are the least helpful person,” Jared mutters. “Okay…going on what I saw on your blog…” He types rapidly for a few minutes. “And posted.”

“What?!” Connor grabs the laptop from Jared. “Why did you do that?!”

“You weren’t going to have anything to say so fuck it, it’s posted.” Jared pops another chip in his mouth. “Chill the fuck out.”

Connor reloads the page to check the post. He doesn’t have any idea if the prices are reasonable, but Jared put up Connor’s email and a link to his PayPal and tagged the post with a few tags that make sense and a few that don’t.

Connor groans. “If you fucked this up for me—”

“I didn’t,” Jared says. “I am doing you so many solids right now. And now I’m about to try to teach you calculus. I am literally a god.”  

Connor resists the urge to slam his head against the keyboard.  

[fuckedupfairyy-blog]

So yeah, here goes.

So here’s my story, as pathetic as it may be. This is my story.

I had a great childhood, my parents split when I was 10. I blamed myself, only now I’m older I’ve realized it’s not my fault and it was for the best. I was bullied throughout primary school, called a fatty, pushed down, followed and called names. He terrorized me. Then secondary school nothing changed, it just got worse. There were more bullies, they treated me worse. I would walk into class and the boys would laugh and shout “thunder thighs” and say my name in a stupid voices, throwing things.. It was basically hell. So I started looking for attention and compliments elsewhere.

When I was in year 8, aged 13 I signed myself up for adult dating sites. I got loads of compliments and it made me feel amazing. Then being the stupid nieeve girl I was I starting chatting to a guy from Bodmin and arranged to meet him for Pizza and TV. He picked me up from school and my whole life changed from there.

He was a police officer and took serious advantage of me. I still blame myself, because if I wasnt so stupid to get into the car he wouldn’t of been able to rape me or keep me hostage.

From then on I started self harming, every night. I couldn’t get to sleep without making myself bleed. It became a addiction, I then started to become obsessed over my weight. Hating every part of me, crying in front of the mirror because of the constant bullies and flashbacks. I was big, size 22. I was on Tumblr on my desktop in my room everyday, looking at depressing quotes and talking to other people in chat rooms with depression aswell. Then I stumbled across Thinspiration. It ruined me, constantly obsessing over the fact I was fat. So I stole 2 a4 text books from school and sat in the library and printed out hundreds of thinspo pics and motivational quotes. Not so positive, more like.. “Everytime you binge you’re another week away from your goal weight” and a picture of a fat girl and a picture of a anorexic girl saying “cake or water? your choice.” It became my life, calorie counting, not eating for days, challenging myself on how much exercise I can do in a day without collapsing. Basically destroying my body. But I didn’t care, because within a month I had lost 30lbs and I wasnt complaining. In fact I was so happy with myself that i couldn’t stop, from a simple diet I was obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about calories, goal weights and everything in between. I would spend lessons writing out meal plans and drawing tiny girls and my free time telling my abusive ex boyfriend about what I had and hadn’t ate. Then I’d stay up all night self harming and planning out the next day.

The worst part was the hallucinations, I would see ‘The Black Man’ I used to call him. A dark male figure with no face sat on my desk in the corner or the bed looking in my direction. I would try and scream and shout but nothing would come out so I ended up sitting there having a panic attack until my mum came in and he would disappear. This happened for 2 years every night, I would wake up with sleep paralysis nearly every night seeing the same man in the corner screaming not being able to move for about 20 minutes before the scream left my body and my mum came rushing in. It was hell.

I was working with CAMHS who are a children mental health service and they diagnosed me with PTSD, depression, anxiety, EDNOS, body dismorphia and borderline psychosis.

My ex boyfriend was controlling and manipulative. He would also encourage my weight loss, which I guess in a way is totally fair because I was obese. He would stop me hanging out with my friends because he wanted me to himself and kept feeding me drugs so I wouldn’t go anywhere. When I was in year 10 I was doing my photography exam and hadn’t eaten in nearly 9 days. My body basically had a meltdown and I was phsycially sick until I ate something. But as you can imagine after 9 days of just water there wasn’t much to come up so it was a painful and horrifying experience..

After that I didn’t want to stop, after loosing 14lbs in 9 days I was so happy that i carried on making meal plans and exercising all night.

I then got into pills and acid, acid didn’t effect me until the summer where i did the bad acid and after that my mood changed. I would do pills for 2/3 days in a tent with my ex and not sleep then go back to my mums and all hell would break loose. She would say something I didn’t like and i would switch, turn into the most nasty disgusting girl and daughter you can imagine. Screaming in my mums face, punching holes in the walls, kicking holes in the doors, smashing everything in my way until she called the police, i would be detained and then the same would happen the next day. It got so bad that the police told my mum to just call the mental health ward if I kicked off again and I would be sectioned. I ran away from home and lived in a broken car in a car park in Veryan for 2 weeks. To be honest it was great, apart from when I was up by the club in Veryan and saw this women and man. It was a dark night and there was a elderly women stood in the middle of the road. I walked over to her and asked if she was okay she didn’t respond. She was stood there bending down petting her dog then standing up again. But as if it was a video on loop. The dog was running up to me, jumping up at me. It was only a little white Jack Russell. Then i turned around to ask Ash what was going on and he was freaking out. Because he couldn’t see her. Now, i realise it was a hallucination but it still scared the fuck out of me. I could feel the dogs wet paws, see the lady and her blue coat. I turned and there was a man in a trench coat stood on the pavement moving his figure to ask to come over. So I did, and when I did. He disappeared and as I turned so did she. I was convinced it was a ghost but he couldn’t see or hear anything.

Now too this day if I walk down a dark road or anything similar alone i will see the dog running up and down the road.

My other hallucination is also one that has stuck with me throughout my life, The Monkey Man.

He’s a normal, medium sized man around 6ft 3 but he’s got a mask of a monkey stuck to his face and he follows me everywhere i walk alone in the dark. He will be walking just behind my left side and when i turn around and look at him he melts into the ground but when i look forward and then back again he does the same. So I just keep looking out the cornor of my eye to make sure he’s still there and to he honest now it feels like hes protecting me in some sort of way. He’s got my other voice, he’s my opposite but also just like me because he gives me advice on what I’m thinking. Don’t think im crazy, i haven’t seen him in around a year but to be honest, if I was walking alone I would see him and the dog again.

Things now are different, im hardly alone so have not much time to think properly so when i do think it effects the people around me which sucks. I’m a lot better now then I was, I dont get sleep paralysis, i don’t have a weight loss book, I’m eating more then 500 calories a day (which used to be my absolute max), i’ve got a good boyfriend and I dont have to walk places in the dark on my own anymore so I dont notice the hallucinations.

But im still not 100% because little things trigger me, like any mention about my weight at all or me eating anything triggers me and makes me want to fast and exercise. I am pretty sensitive at the moment and I shouldn’t be, but im working on it. I want to be the strong and powerful girl who is independent and gets shit done the first and right way! I will be the strong and powerful girl! I want to have kids one day and be the best mum in whole world, give them everything they need plus more love and care then any kid has ever had. But I also want to be the best wife in the world, I’m going to tone my body up and get fit, learn how to cook the best food ever, be the best and cleaning and be smart funny and good in the bedroom. So you cant say im not getting anywhere because the first step is acceptance which ive done and the next step is to create goals and ive done that. All i need to do now is put those goals into place and i will be flying. Ive got a amazing boyfriend who keeps me on track and makes me feel a little more beautiful every day so as long as we stick together I don't think I'll have any problems. Fuck my past, I am who i am.

Thanks for listening……

[dreamerology]

anon…..…u asked for it heres 1.2k on Some of the reasons why i love minhyuk :(( 

oh my gosh i dont even know where to startdsjfgjdfj i guess i’ll talk abt what i was gonna talk abt the other night which is how minhyuk is literally made for the stage?????????????? he looks so Alive whenever hes on stage…..he just glows and hes so happy and ecstatic and his eyes sparkle a bit more and u can just tell how happy he is to be there!!!!!!!!! like the fancam of the rush comeback stage where he smile the whole time? GOOD SHIT!!!! u can just see how much he loves it!!! he gets like. Extra Confident when he’s performing……sometimes he just goes tf off,,,hes so dangerous he truly thrives on stage and i love it. i cant wait until they come to canada and minhyuk kills me behind a tim hortons

i cant believe im abt to expose myself but also i feel like i might have talk abt this before kskjdfhksjdhf do u wanna hear abt the worst thing thats ever happened to me and im never gonna be allowed to live it down?? so…….i associate minhyuk, the human personification of the sun, with the colour yellow ofc right….this took place like when the teasers for beautiful were dropping i went on a trip and i Cannot handle plane rides i get motion sickness nd claustrophobic mixed w the usual anxiety so its always a bad time. Anyways i had taken not only gravol (which my friend calls me a lightweight……half of one can knock me Out usually but it wasn’t working so i took a full one) but i also took ativan when i started to have a panic attack like half way through the flight…..I WAS SOOOO OUT OF IT THAT NIGHTJHSDJFH BUT so we got to the place we were staying and i go to my room and the bed sheets were yellow dsjfhdsfhj so i started texting my friend (who knows nothing abt kpop) abt how it was a sign and mh was watching over me dsfjhsdjfhkjhdfh bc clearly yellow = minhyuk. i passed out right after that i forgot everything abt that night until i got home like a week later and she brought it up and i had no memory of it djfshdjfhsjfhsdh that was months ago and she still teases me abt it i hate me dkhsdjhfkjhdfkhd

anyways minhyuk is the literal sun???? ? hes always positive and happy and just the complete opposite of me in every way tbh,,,,i just rly love that abt him like no matter how many things get him down hes able to get back up and try again and keep going and keep a positive attitude and i know ive said this before but he genuinely inspires me to be a better person…..like im such a pessimistic person but i wanna be able to be more positive and radiate warmth he Never fails to cheer me up like watching videos of him being bubbly nd happy makes me so happy!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope hes able to feel that happiness forever he deserves every second of it!!!! i feel like it has to be tiring being that positive for that long but somehow he does it and it amazes me??? his personality was the first thing to draw me too him….its true opposites attract

AND OH MY GOD HES SO CARING!!!!! like it sorta goes w the positive attitude but hes so observant of the others nd makes sure theyre ok and he’ll make sure theyre included nd hes just a pillar of support for them!!!!!!!!!!!! i love family!!!!! i remember wonho saying he wasnt confident enough in himself and he didn’t feel comfortable unless minhyuk was next to him :((((( and half the time he  wouldnt even have to say anything minhyuk would be the first to approach him and ask if he was ok nd offer comfort and :(( it just makes my heart rly warm. like he makes sure hes there for the others and makes sure theyre comfortable enough to approach him and is just there to love and support them… i love a caring man :((( reason number 3532 why minhyuk makes me want to b a better person!!!!

also i absolutely adore how goofy he is sjfhksjdfhjdsdf hes like literally a 5 yr old……what a fool i love him. one of the things in the beginning that i found rly…..endearing??? thats not the right word but i can’t rly think of it rn is that fuckigndsfjhs dolphin noise/high pitched squeal he makes when he gets rly excited sdkfhskjdfh s like its????? So Cute idk why its also hilarious and literally never fails to make me laugh but….yeah i love it hes so weird. and yeah hes smart but that boy can say some of the Dumbest shit dskfjhdkjfhksdhfjh anyways im gonna just leave it at that for now but yeah. hes so funnie he always makes me laugh and cheers me up!!!

i saved the best for last (not that this is a complete list but….i doubt anyones actually gonna read all this to begin w so….ill shut up after this but. this is my fave thing abt him i think) I COULD RLY TALK ABT THIS FOR HOURS BUT. his voice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh ym god my favorite sound it the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (mayb only second to his laugh which. Dont even get me started i could write an another entire essay just on his laugh n smile) ANYWAYS HIS VOICE…it was the first one i was able to pick out when i first got into mx. its rly distinct and its just. So Calming to listen to?????? like idk if its weird but a lot of the time if im rly anxious or cant sleep i’ll just listen to some of his solo vlives…..like his voice is rly pretty and i could listen to him talk for hours. he can be so Loud sometimes but it can also b rly soft when hes not yellingjghjshdjfh and no offence but he’s rly got the prettiest singing voice too…..not 2 b biased but hes got the best voice in mx?????? god idk if its bc im fuck deep in l*ve but lately whenever one of his lines comes on it just knocks the breath out of me!!!!!!!!!! i just,,,,immediately start tearing tf up whenever i hear his voice now!!!!!!!!! hes improved so much its so crazy to hear??? like rewatching no mercy u can just Hear how much his vocals has improved…like he was good back then but now!!!!!!!! holy fuck i love a man hes so talented and hes got the most beautiful voice in the world. also in this vlive when he was just singing along or humming it after without the lyrics……i love a man my heart is so warm nd soft hes so cute :((

this isnt even half of it i didn’t talk abt his smile or his laugh!!!!!! or how cute his ears are or how much he loves mbb or how cute he looks in a hat or glasses or how humble he is or how full of love he is and how he never misses a chance to shower his members in love :(( hes so sweet i love him so big im gonna shut up and go now i cant believe i just wrote 1.2k on why i love lee minhyuk the Actual Angel instead of writing my paperdsfjdhsjfs it b like that sometimes

if u actually read all this sappy rambling………id die for u

[alex-in-wonderlandd]

Honestly i wish i could disappear. I feel so fucking useless and im a complete ass CLOWN for thinking that you fucking care about me still when you dont. At all. And it hurts. Its almost as of overnight you fucking just. Stopped. Why? I dont understand? Just a few days before you got angry with me for something as trivial as waking you up. We were completely fine, if not more than that. It really seemed like it was that “head-over-heels” type of love. And you want to know why i think that? Because you fucking told me it was that. I dont think you remember at all though. The little things you would say to me while you were half asleep in my room.

And you say you left because its whats best for both of us. Thats not true. You dont know whats best for me and my happiness at all. Its not a decision for you to make. You only care about yourself. And i guess that i didnt make you happy enough and i was a tie you had to cut. But im not allowed to be upset over that am I? It seems to you that im not supposed to allow myself to be sad and grieve. But it also seems like i would be marked as a whore andca bitch if im happy and trying to move on right? (Dont worry. Im not though.)

I wanted you to be happy i really did but. Now i think i want you to hurt. Because you shattered me. And you know you did. And now you’re picking up the pieces from the mess youve created of me and stronging them along a frayed red thread thats tied not to your little finger like in the old Japanese folktales. But to your ego.

Honestly fuck you for saying that you love me and that you dont want this break between us to be permanent. Fuck you for saying that you’re probably going to come back. Fuck you for saying that you care about me and that you’re still always going to be here for me. Because you know what. I was drowning that week and when i tried to approach you about it, i was suddenly inconsiderate and it was the last straw for you or whatever and you? Left? Me? During my time of need.

And god i cant even tell you how your selfish timing fucked me over. Not only did you make me drive all the way across town so you could break up with me in person and waste my time, but you really had to do it to me right before my big finals. Before my first shift with my new promotion at work that same night. And roght before summer. So i cant even distract myself with school or friends because everyone is busy with their summer classes, traveling, or work. The 3 friends i do have cant always be there. And i dont even get the opportunity to attempt to make more.

And whats even shittier is the fact that im stupid enough to believe that you’re going to check up on me like ive been checking up on you. I dont know why ive been so fucking nice to you when all youve done to and for me is break my heart, and then get mad at me after we broke up for asking for a little more clarity as to why. You get in my face and tell me that im not listening to you. I am fucking listening but it dosent make any sense?

Seriously how does that make any sense?

“Im breaking up with you because i love you”

What?

No you dont. You obviously dont.

And you shouldn’t have lied about it.

Because all that did was confuse me and hurt me more and here we are a little over two weeks later and i think the wound thats bleeding tonight is deeper and bloodier than the original cut you made when you cut me off.

But it dosent even matter because im not allowed to be hurt over our breakup am i? I bet you the second that i go out with another male friend thats not a safe boy like matthew or will or my two male friends at work or someone you see as a “threat” you’re gonna get all butthurt because im trying to “move on” or whatever right?

Why do you care? Its not like im going to throw my superego out the window and give into some carnal instinct that kicks in and fuck the first guy i see to get over you. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want. But even if it were, you dont get tobe angry about it because you were the one who left me. You ask if im seeing anyone new the few times weve talked. You claim you’re just trying to “check on me and my life” but quite frankly asking me that one week after we break up at 11:00 at night because i “seem like im doing fine and having fun with my dudes” seems more like an attack.

But did i let it slide? Yeah.

Why did i let it slide?

Because im a fool for still being in love with you and fucking myself up over it.

and you know what else? I dont even know what to do with your things. I have a trillion photos of us. I have your clothes; a hoodie, 3 shirts, your belt, and strangely enough a pair of your boxers. I remember you brought an extra pair to disneyland the first time we went together and you let me wear them after my pants got soaked on splash mountain. I bet you don’t remember that though.

I have the chest you made me only a month ago on our one year. With the glass rose inside of it that you gave to me and insisted that you would love me until it broke. Well there dont seem to be any fractures so i guess that was just a lie too right? And i have the jar you made for me on my birthday with all the nice notes in it.

I packed them up the night before you left because i already knew in my gut what was about to happen, and when i presented them to you after the fact you cried. You told me to hold on to them just in case. And honestly i should have just threw them off an overpass. But i still have them. Because theyre too special to me to destroy because nobody has ever treated me as kindly as you have. (Until now i thought you were an angel. I really did.)

But i also cant stand to look at them without breaking down.

I really dont think youd be able to comprehend what youve done to me. Ive lost about 12 pounds in a 2 week period. Because i just feel absolutely sick to my stomach. And you know what? You made me throw up. In my 11 years of having nausea for what I thought was no reason up until senior year when i was diagnosed with anxiety and gastritis and emetophobia. Ive never actually thrown up unless i was sick with a stomach bug or on an airplane. But you... you made me throw up for the first time out of anxiety and heartbreak and panic. Despite all the drugs ive been doing to make myself feel better like the bottles of antacids and the cases of ginger beer and even prescription medication that was supposed to guarantee I wouldn’t vomit. I did anyway.

My stomach is flatter than it used to be. I remember you told me you would help me get my summer body and i was so excited at first. And you did help me get it. But my heart is broken and id rather have the food baby back and feel disgusted by my appearance and happy than looking fit and feeling...

How am i feeling?

Im a little bit depressed. Im a little relieved. Im nauseated, obviously. Im starving but i cant eat because two bites make me feel full even if im still hungry. Im angry. Im empowered though too because this has been hard for me and im still standing i guess.

But above all im feeling foolish because for some twisted, fucked up reason.

I still love you. And i miss you more and more each day.

Maybe im a masochist. I stayed with the actual spawn of satan for like 2 years. He hurt me. He disrespected me and my body for the longest time. He turned all my friends against me. I was so desperate to get out of that situation, but i didnt. I wanted to so bad. But i was so scared to leave. Maybe i do this to myself subconsciously because id rather be miserable in a relationship than alone.

But we weren’t miserable. We really weren’t.

You dont deserve my love anymore though. You practically cheated on me and i forgave you. You blew up and got angry at me for the smallest an most trivial matters like movie times and jokes in bad taste. I check on you still whenever you post something about wanting to disappear or feelig like crap. I check on you even when you dont post that stuff and ask you how your finals are going and if your family is doing ok.

And that makes me 🤡 of the day because I think that youll check on me too but you wont. Im drowning and you’re standing over me in a life raft just watching.

I just wish i could get closure.

But you know what? Actually i think i get it now.

I love you. But i need to get away from you.

[xumxnghao]

all pf them

under a read more it goes

we are bulletproof: if you could be any superhero, who would you be and why?

spiderman! walking on walls seems cool

no more dream: if you woke up tomorrow to be incredibly famous, how would you react?

“yeah this is how it’s meant to be” (do I 100% expect to be famous in the future? yes)

i like it: if you could reverse any moment in your life, what would that moment be?

throwback to middle school when my best friend confessed to me and I told her I’d date her if i were a boy

n.o: biggest pet peeve?

i don’t really have any big pet peeves but I hate the sound of nails draggin on the weird ceiling material in cars

we on: how do you deal with people who don’t like you?

avoid them like the plague bc i have Anxiety

if i ruled the world: what would you do if you found out that you were an heir to a wealthy kingdom?

possibly have a panic attack but like money

coffee: what’s your coffee order?

green tea frappe with a shot of espresso bc i’m living that college student life of no sleep and only caffeine

cypher pt. 1: if you had to be part of a kpop group, what position would you want to be (i.e. leader, visual, lead vocal, dancer, rapper, maknae, etc.)

i’d WANT to be dancer, but realistically id probably be a singer

rise of bangtan: when and how did you get into the king and legends, also known as bangtan sonyeondan?

uh i remember i listened to fire a while ago and it wasn’t exactly my style and i thought bts was kind of overhyped so i didn’t really listen to them much until like a month are blood sweat and tears came out and i finally decided to watch and mv bank with them and i thought they were funny and it was really just a downward spiral from there

satoori rap: what does home mean to you?

home has no meaning to me bc it’s always been riddled with fear

boy in luv: when you are interested in someone (romantically, sexually, etc.), does your behavior change?

i mean i flirt more but that’s just cause im a libra :/

just one day: who would you want to spend the last day of your life with?

i think i’d want time alone

tomorrow: goal that you would like to achieve within the next year?

finish learning korean

cypher pt. 2: one thing about yourself you wish people would appreciate more?

there’s nothing to appreciate about me lol

spine breaker: what is your weakness when it comes to spending money?

i love stationary

jump: favorite childhood memory?

once in kindergarten we were painting pots for mother’s day. I was the kind of kid that liked to work ahead so i just started painting, but the pot was upside down so when i turned it over it just said “wow” instead of “mom”

miss right: what is your ideal ‘type’?

kim taehyung, park jimin, or xu minghao

i like it pt. 2: dream date?

I love amusement park dates

danger: have you ever had a near-death experience?

i nearly died of alcohol poisoning once. that’s a story.

war of hormone: most embarrassing moment?

when i was like in 8th grade i thought weed and pot were two different things and I’ve never lived that down

hip hop lover: three songs that are meaningful to you?

Should i just do BTS songs?

Move, Love is Not Over, Hold Me Tight

let me know: are you good at keeping secrets?

i like to think i am

rain: most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

i took a day trip to Houston without telling my dad while my mom was in China

cypher pt. 3: favorite outfit to wear?

i got a new Fila hoodie in japan that’s bomb af and i look great in it plus my white hat with the long tail and my adidas samoas

blanket kick: longest time you’ve spent lying in bed (sleeping or not)?

idk how long i spent in bed but once i had a depressive episode so bad that my phone only marked 19 steps on that day

24/7 = heaven: what are you most looking forward to?

SEVENTEEN CONCERT AND MEETING SEVENTEEN

look here: do you have any hidden talents?

I can hum and beatbox at the same time

second grade: proudest accomplishment?

I finished 12 years of music theory, got put in the TMEA pamphlet and got some money from it too

i need u: are you in love?

i need u girl

hold me tight: does physical contact comfort you?

no

love is not over: ever had your heart broken?

:)

dead leaves: how loyal are you?

very

move: last time you cried?

I nearly cried at the airport leaving Japan because my best friend is staying there for college and I won’t be able to drive a street down to see her anymore, but I don’t cry much so I didn’t actually shed a tear.

I did however shed a single tear because of some gifs of jimin this morning

butterfly: most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen?

answered

run: do you like traveling? if so, where? what’s your dream vacation?

i love travelling and i actually just experienced my dream vacation in japan. I guess my next one would be korea

ma city: if you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?

seoul. I want to be an MV producer for idols

baepsae: do you vote and/or keep up with politics?

not especially, but I should bc i used to be a journalist

dope: what did you want to be when you were younger? how does it compare to what you want to be now?

i wanted to be a vet and now i’m going into film so there’s a pretty big gap

fire: are you a spontaneous person?

I’m an istp so yes

save me: your favorite place on earth?

im bad at choosing favorites, i’d like to think that i’m not tied down

young forever: what is one movie from your childhood that you will always treasure?

mulan

boys with fun: you’re going on a roadtrip with seven other people– dead, alive, fictional, real, famous, or not. who are they, and why?

sam, sarah, sara, kim taehyung, park jimin, xu minghao, and mark tuan

converse high: how many pairs of shoes do you own?

jesus wait lemme count

at least 14

whalien 52: weirdest thing that has ever happened to you? alternatively, weirdest dream you’ve ever had?

once after a 4th of july fireworks show my friend and i stopped at a gas station for drinks and this very obviously high dude in the car next to me said to me from his seat “yo dude u okay? u like… saw the paranoia i felt” and i had to reassure him that i was fine and i was going home soon

and i don’t like to think about my dreams bc theyre usually nightmares

house of cards: when was the last time you felt sexy?

like 2 years ago when i took the best selfies of my life

boy meets evil: have you ever committed a crime? if so, what was it? alternatively, what is the worst thing you have ever done?

i mean ive smoked weed

i snorted xanax once but after that night i decided to never do that again

blood, sweat, & tears: kinkiest kink you have?

i…. am not sure yall are ready for this information

begin: who are you most grateful for in your life?

i dont think i have an answer for this

lie: biggest fear?

abandonment. which lead to my fear of commitment and attachment

stigma: would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

cause

first love: do you believe in soulmates?

i’d like to

reflection: if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

don’t go to the counselor

mama: are you good at giving advice?

not even a little bit

awake: if you had to be a flower, which flower would you be?

i’m not sure which I’d actually be but i love peonies

lost: how good are you with directions? do you get lost easily?

i’m pretty god with directions. I don’t usually get lost

cypher pt. 4: what do you do to treat yourself or relax?

i clean the shit out of my face

am i wrong: you wake up one morning in the hospital, knowing only your name and a single memory from your life. what is that memory?

damn well i wish i just lost all my memories

21st century girls: do you prefer texting, calling, or video chatting?

texting

2!3!: your favorite thing about bangtan?

how fucking weird and unapologetic they are

spring day: who do you miss right now?

my bed

not today: what are your procrastinating right now?

i need to pay rent and my class fees but i’m not

wings: on airplanes, do you prefer the window seat, the middle seat, or the aisle seat?

i like aisle seats for long flights and window seats for short flights

you never walk alone: how many people do you trust with your life?

maybe 2 ?

[asksansweredpdf]

These are actually solid questions

1. First thing you wash in the shower? my hair

2. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? i can’t stand coffee. and alcohol might as well be my blood at this point

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? haha noooo. he was nice but i felt literally nothing. was like kissing a brick wall or something. tbh i never feel much when i kiss boys

4. Do you plan outfits? YES. i’m a drama queen and a diva and flamboyant and i need to look good always. i have my graduation in 2 days and i still haven’t planned what to wear and it’s bothering me

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? tbh pretty numb. like not happy and not sad. just. .... chillin

6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red? my track pants

7. What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body? well with the mood im in now, i probably wouldn’t react. but the logical side of my brain would kick in and i’d phone it in to the police. 

8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? it’s still that one about the creepy old dude touching me in the car. 

9. Three of your current feelings? -introspective -apathetic

-wistful

10. What are you craving right now? tbh i would very much love to hug my stuffed pink harold. but he’s downstairs and i just don’t have the energy to walk haha

11. Turn ons? not rly in the mood to answer these

12. Turn offs?

13. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? this vine

14. When was the last time you cried? Why? idk like over a month ago. i had to work a thursday night shift which is always super stressful. and that day my sister just started beating the shit out of me so the anxiety was like double

15. If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be? ironman. any day. or spiderman because it’d be fun to just swing around the city listening to music peacefully

16. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize? nope. she doesn’t even know that i know about half the shit she did. never ever apologised about the stuff she knows i know about. no acknowledgement. no apology. just pretends it never happened

17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? lick it 

18. Favorite movie ever? idk i like frozen and pride and prejudice and the hunger games

19. Do you like yourself? i like myself, but i can’t seem to justify why. i don’t really have an identity. i don’t know what i’m like. and so it’s hard to like myself when i don’t know what i like about my self, or why i do. but i enjoy being myself.

20. Have you ever met a celebrity? i met stan walker once? he’s a minor celebrity in australlia

21. Could you handle being in the military? part of me would thrive in the structure and forced exercise and socialisation. another part of me would completely crumble because like i have anxiety

22. What are you listening to right now? i don’t give a ... - missio

23. How many countries have you visited? india, america, canada, australia. so 4 i guess

24. Are your parents strict? you betcha

25. Would you go sky diving? sure yeah. i’m afraid of heights so the adrenaline would be wild

26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? nah. i dont give a shit about him. maybe i’d go if he paid for the food.

27. Whats on your mind right now? literally nothing. mostly thinking about endgame. i’m also thinking about taking my mum’s anti anxiety meds since she doesn’t use them and i have anxiety. but i don’t want to take them without professional advice. but also, i am a professional advice. and like what could happen? i’d get mentally ill?

28. Is there anything you want to say to someone? nah i dont really feel like talking atm. i guess i’d ask if they wanted to go for a smoke. i would love a cig rn

29. Have you ever been in a castle? no but i would love to!!

30. Do you rent movies often? not really, i just watch stan/netflix

31. Whats your zodiac sign? cancer sun, leo moon, libra rising

32. When was the last time you had sex? i haven’t had sex

33. Name five facts about yourself. i honestly don’t think i know enough about myself to do this but let’s give it a go -i have short hair -i love music more than literally anything -i turn 21 this year and i have no idea what to do for it -i’m thinking of getting a motorbike soon -i’ve never broken a bone

34. Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened? nope

35. Do you believe in karma or predestiny? i used to. and i absolutely would love to believe in all that stuff. but not to sound angsty or whatever, i’ve had so many shitty things happen to me that it’s hard for me to believe that it’s all part of some big plan or that there is any justice in the world. i think people just do shit and that’s it

36. Brown or white eggs? ive never had white eggs so..... brown?

37. Do you own something from Hot Topic? nah we dont have it in australia

38. Ever been on a train? yeah man i love trains

39. Ever been in love? not mutually, no

40. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it? it’s a million bucks. absolutely. one night of terror to never have to worry about anything ever again. i’m a witch too so as much as i’d be scared, it’d be fine.

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? someone rich and famous. maybe harry styles or freddie mercury. i’m sure they didn’t have it easy, but it’s certainly easier than things have/ever will be for me you know?

42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it? absolutely

43. Whom do you admire and why? i tend not to admire irl people. but i do admire tony stark a lot (GOD this is so lame ksajrsjkfs). i admire his charisma, his confidence, his humour, his good looks, his intelligence, his eyes. he embodies everything i feel like i can never be. but everything i’ll always want to be.  i admire freddie mercury. for his work drive and ethic. for his confidence and stage presence, his ability and talent in singing, songwriting, musical instruments. his flamboyancy, his sense of humour. again, these are all qualities i would love to have.

44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? oh i never really got read bedtime stories

45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? internally, i’d be like “that sucks for you” and walk away. but i can’t be a dick, so i’d assess the extent of the fire and see if there was a way to save the baby. i’d try if so, if not idk what i’d do. panic and call 000?

46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? nah man. gotta let kids live their lives 

47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: the night i just moved out of home 2 weeks ago. my roommate invited a friend over, and we all had fun and played never have i ever and i flirted with this really cute guy and had so much fun. i hadn’t really had any experiences like that before because i was - anyway. it was nice to feel like a normal 19 year old just for a second weed: either the time i was drunk and high at our housewarming party and went to the park and felt like i was on a fucking rollercoaster, or the time i got super cooked after work and had a shower which felt amazing and then went back to my room and listened to beautiful people beautiful problems. i didn’t hallucinate per se, but i closed my eyes and could like see the lyrics “blue is the colour of the planet from the view above”. it was like i was in outer space and could see the earth and i was so relaxed and it was so magical mdma: my halloween party! there were so many people and no one knew i was high and we had a mad dance party and i met some of our neighbours and i just had so much fun talking to everyone and Living. 

48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? alcohol: being around boring people when drunk is boring. especially because when i’m drinking i really want to have a good and fun time.  weed: ahh i have anxiety so i used to get a few panic attacks when i was smoking mdma: eugh it was my friends 21st at the time and we took mdma and i thought it wasnt kicking in because all we did was sit in bed and talk. literally so boring. im so mad that i wasted my first time like that

50. As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? nah, i’d probably hand it in to the police. actually, i dont trust the police so i’d probably google what to do with it. but probably police because i cant have stolen money or give it to someone else. 

51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? not hanging out with someone because of that has literally never even crossed my mind

52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? nah. i’m actually going places now days

53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? tba

54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? nope

55. If you could live forever, would you want to? yeah probably. i’d like to give it a trial run though. i’m very anxious, so being lonely and immortal might make it worse. but at the same time, being immortal might make it easier to not give a shit and to be less anxious

56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? honestly i feel like jane villanueva or peter parker

57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? i would love to be a victorian bitch with a bomb ass dress and waist

58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? probably not. unless it was someone i really hated, i wouldnt give a shit

59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? i mean i wouldn’t be the best person for the job, but i also wouldn’t be the worst. if i could have time to properly study politics then yeah i’d consider. 

60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? i’d probably want a girl but i dont really see any reason to not have a boy

61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? be wealthyyyyyy