#i do not have the ability to picture myself happy in that context so...theres that) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pvrrhadve · 7 years ago

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i've literally just spent this whole summer realizing how fricked up i am and that there's actual trauma in there subtly accumulated over years and years and the extent to which said trauma and an increasingly frail and hollow relationship with my parents has affected me

#i cant tell if i had already realized this unfortunate fact and forgot that i did (this would be understandable and typical of me)#or if i had honestly not understood until tonight when it hit me that i am not like this cause i am simply a useless piece of garbage #(like i had believed lmao :'))#but that a huge part of where i am mentally and emotionally was in fact done to me #not intentionally or with any real cruelty bc i do truly understand that my mom has always genuinely loved me and wanted the best for me #but a considerable chunk of my childhood memories that i still have #are centered around an interaction with her that left me hurting deeply #whether it included a sharp criticism of an interest or idea of mine or her hair trigger temper and reliable overreaction to every mistake #it all built up to the point where the hardest thing in the world for me is to sincerely open up to her #because i know i'll be misunderstood/shut down/belittled be her and then involuntarily change my opinion to match hers #and at this point her direct influence isn't even needed for that result lmao i picture what would happen and i do it to myself #this whole train of thought i'm on right now would seem fake to me except my sister has also experienced this :(#i'm wondering now how many interests and opportunities i didn't pursue #because doing so would have required me to trust her with an honest part of myself so i'm just kinda... fading here :///#damn 👀 i've really hollowed myself out for her 👀👀👀 i hope she appreciates it #of course there are other causes for my spiral into persistent existential misery and the disorder™ in its entirety is not all on her #(ie dad's inability to dad...the emotionally exhausting and apparently permanently damaging events of 5/6 yrs ago... my older sisters' life #choices that had consequences that are still felt today... loneliness and rejection etc)#(and let's not even mention how my default perception of relationships and marriage thanks to my parents is so negative #i do not have the ability to picture myself happy in that context so...theres that)#hoo boy i should be telling this to a therapist (i finally realize why that would maybe be beneficial to me lol)#also don't worry guys i'm fine rn! no sadder than usual i just needed to lay this all out here before i start blaming myself for stuff agai #and i'm going quite well considering i don't feel like a real human being and i kinda wanna die #i would just uhhhh really like to heal and feel like an intelligent and emotionally autonomous person for once thanks #jillian for ts #emotional abuse tw #i guess rip

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