#i do not get a moral high from not killing baby bunnies and instead eating their grown up counter parts. dude.

[offmyfuxkingmind]

sometimes i wish people held their morality lectures in front of a mirror instead of dumping them on your head

[laylacooke]

Breathe Me || Solo.

Time: After Layla leaves the Wolf Pack meeting in anger. Content Warnings: suicidal ideation; self harm (blood, fracture); depression; self hate; death mention 

Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found Yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Nothing was accomplished after the meeting. At least not for Layla. She felt lonelier than she had before she had even met the pack.

Just days prior it had come to light who the wolf was that had turned her. The animal that took away her life. And the man who relished in what he had done. For nearly a year, she had went on wondering what she would do or say if she had ever met the monster that took everything from her. Her parents. The love of her life. Her freedom. And when she did finally meet him, all she could do was punch him. So much pent up anger and rage, but no satisfaction. No answers. Just a smug son-of-a-bitch who only wanted to use her for his personal gains.

Layla had questioned day-in and day-out why she was still around. She had no reason to be here. She had no reason to be anywhere. She felt like a dud. She couldn’t hunt because of her morals. No one had wanted her around. And the people she had found, who had taken her in, had their suspicions. She knew Ulfric didn’t trust her around Ari or Celeste. And she was being held back, because she was still a baby wolf in everyone’s eyes. And the most heartbreaking part? When she was a beast and did revel in her true form the curse had placed on her, she had no control over it. She couldn’t even remember what she had done after it had happened. Had she killed anyone? Probably. Could she admit it to herself? No.

As she walked in silence, tears rolling down her pale, but flushed skin, she had contemplated on whether or not going back to the trailer was worth it. She would have to get her bow back, but the only other things of significance were already on her. A worn picture of her and Frankie and the hoodie currently hugging her body.

Having a warm place to stay was nice, but she had been on her own for nearly a year now. She could go back to that life. It would be easier a second time around. She had learned a few things, since being with Celeste, Ari, and Ulf, that could help her out when things got hard. But unfortunately, the idea of pacifism and everything she had ever held true to her heart, prior to becoming a wolf, she would have to let go of. Violence was just in her nature now. She was a sired descendant of some of the most hated and dangerous wolves known to man. And with that power, she knew would come a struggle of control.

“Why even bother? I should just go home. Tell Frankie I love her in person and give myself up to my parents. A mercy killing. I’m sure they’d make it quick...painless...” She was talking to the air. No one to hear her but whatever lived in the dark. “At least everyone here would be safe. And my parents wouldn’t know where I had been, or who I would have been with...”

As Layla’s pace slowed, she could feel her body growing heavier with emotion. Breathing was a little harder now. Moving over to a nearby pine, Layla fell back into it and slid down the tree to a seated position on the ground.

Her heart was breaking. It felt like the world was closing in around her. The ebb and flow of feeling alone had come and gone over the past week or so, but it laid just below the surface, clawing and scratching its way to the top. It was like drowning above water, and as her breathing picked up, Layla began sobbing. Anger welled up, and she let out a long and mournful scream of frustration, before turning to another nearby tree punching it repeatedly until her small balled fist was bleeding and broken.

Pulling her hand close to her, Layla continued to wale into the night. She had felt so lost. Like any hope inside of her was fleeting.

She had came into this established world with people who had made a future for themselves knowing what they had wanted out of life. She was an outsider. A nobody. She no longer had a direct path. Her hopes and dreams no longer existed. She was mourning the life she had once lived. The memories. Her family, despite how cruel they could be at times, aside from her sweet grandmother who had passed only a year prior to her becoming a werewolf. She was mourning the loss of the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. To start a family with. She mourned her future. College. And a successful career. No, she didn’t know what her future held now, but how could it ever hold anything special? Especially for someone who strongly believed they didn’t deserve it.

Layla no longer felt the same about anything. She had come to despise and hate herself. She wanted to be better and do better, but she didn’t know how. The curse of the wolf had taken everything. And now, she was witness to people planning the murder of another human being. A man just as evil, who only thought of profit.

How could the world be so cruel? How could the thin veil of hope that she had lived with all of her life, despite everything her parents had told her, just shatter over night? It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair.

Her heart was beating loudly in her ears. Her head ached as she continued to cry out into the night. Her hand starting to swell from the fracturing of bone. And despite everything she was tormented by. Everything that told her she was nothing. That she didn’t belong, Layla just wanted someone to come and hold her. Someone to find her.

Yes, she was technically an adult. She was old enough to be on her own and make her own decisions, but at heart, she was still just a child. A little girl who had her childhood taken away from her, because of the adult responsibilities her parents had thrown on her. It’s why she had loved high school. Why she had loved competitive archery and cheerleading. Escaping to the forest to feed bunnies, birds, and squirrels as a child. Pretending she was Ariel. Having tea parties with her grandmother. Going to sleepovers. Lying to her parents so she could go spend time with her girlfriend. Because Layla was still a child, not ready to be forced into adulthood with the weight of the world on her shoulders like fate had dealt, alone and scared to death.

Closing her eyes, as the tears began to slow, Layla could feel her body emotionally drained. She had just wanted to sleep. Wanted her hand to stop hurting. And food. God, it was like she could never get full. But most of all she just wanted to feel the warmth of someone snuggled up against her body. Holding her and rubbing her head until she had fallen asleep, much like her mother had done when she was little; at least for the first several years of her life. Or as Frankie had done so many times, especially on the nights Layla cried herself to sleep because of some stupid argument with her parents.

The eighteen year old girl had just wanted human companionship like she had once known. To be able to fully trust again and to not have to watch her back all the time or step lightly for fear of saying the wrong thing that would get her into more trouble than she could imagine.

Slowly pushing herself up off the ground with her good hand, she found support in the tree she had been leaning against. Wiping her eyes with a dirty paw, the other one cradled close to her body, Layla knew she had to keep moving if she wanted to find somewhere safe to sleep tonight. The rat motel was out for fear of what lingered there now that she knew a little more about the types of things that resided in town. She could always go back to her bridge. That was an option, but in reality, she had just wanted to go back to her little corner in Ariana’s room, and listen to the steady sound of the girl’s heartbeat at night, until she fell asleep.

But would Ulfric let her? She had showed her anger at the meeting, and that feeling of calming down was starting to disappear again as she could feel the roller-coaster of emotion slowly start to push its way back up from the pit of her stomach to her heart. She couldn’t cry anymore. She couldn’t punch things anymore. At least not, until her hand had stopped throbbing, swelling, and bleeding. Instead, she decided to focus on what was around her. Focus on her breathing. Techniques her parents taught her, when she would start getting anxious about hunting.

“Just breathe, Layla. Just breathe.” 

As she repeated these words, she continued to move forward seeing the bright lights of the town just up ahead. She had remembered what Celeste had said about the finger eating squirrels and the idea of staying in the woods quickly went out the door. The funny thing about it all was the farther the redhead got from the direction of the trailer, the more she wanted to turn around, but she couldn’t. Her heart ached. Her mind was racing. And before long, she ended up in the middle of town.

All her usual hangouts from before finding a home with Ulf, Ari, and Celeste just didn’t feel the same. In fact, she had a lingering fear in her belly of what sleeping outside could result in. Instead, she had found herself moving in the direction of one of the only places that remained open all night; Al’s Diner.

As her feet carried her closer and closer, Layla had felt like she had been walking for hours, which she had. But the large illuminated sign just up ahead let her know she was almost able to rest.

She had never been in Al’s before. Had only seen it in passing. The food, despite not being vegan, had always smelled good. And while she couldn’t afford anything, she was hoping she could at least have a glass of water to quench her thirst. The bathroom would provide a place to wash off her mangled hand. And the booth would provide a resting spot, at least until they ran her out, and she would have to start walking again.

Pulling the door back with her functioning hand, Layla stepped inside the bright diner. Her eyes burned from the lights hanging overhead, and it caused her head to pound even more than it already was. Looking around, she noticed it hadn’t been too crowded, which was a bit of a relief. But there was something familiar about the place, something she had been longing for all night. And when her eyes laid sight on a tuft of red hair and a smaller blonde just beyond that of the man sitting opposite her, tears once again, began to fill Layla’s eyes.

Her family.

Two of the people she had regretted running from, and with hitched breathing and trying to build up the same courage she had found the very first day she had met Ari, Layla let her weary feet carry her over to the man and teenager praying that they hadn’t given up on her just yet.

“Got room for one more...”