#i do feel like im missing a lot of it i wish johnny was easier to understand lol.

[lesbiangiratina]

“道化の同僚”? . Did they call johnny a clown. Or is it 道化の頭領. I think its that. Touryo not douryo. Thats not the important part though Did they call him a fucking clown.

[signingupforsanity-blog]

Day 12 No meds - Running

I cant tell how I feel anymore... No I literally mean it. The first time I was manic, i knew I was sick. Now it feels like a whole new monster. I want to go back. I know i ran away but i want to run away back. Theres this pain i get in my chest when I think about before. I miss the ones who left me for dead, because they were my friends anyway. I know, if given the chance I would end up forgiving them... And I dont want to do that. They dont deserve that. I was thinking about what my Ex did and how she is. It sucks that we were friends and we had a lot in common. I never had to tell her what if felt like, and it was easier to be there for somebody who was worse than you sometimes. Towards the end I was worse than her, and I really cant remember much about it. Its not like I can ask her. Part of me is still angry for the secrets. Part of me still feels bad that she had to make things into secrets. I still dont know if she used me. Lauren is so good to me and im scared that i want to leave so badly that she doesnt deserve my bullshit to have to worry about me. to worry if ill do it. She was so upset when we had this talk I swallowed all my words but i really want to scream then and beg her to leave me. Its not fair to put the pressure on her. Like i accidentally told her shes the only thing i care about. Thats not healthy. she told me it was a lot of pressure. but its the truth. How do you ask somebody to leave you so you dont have to feel bad if you just want to take the forever nap. If i could run away from everything, start over, be new, go to school. I would. I would just run. I feel like everybody uses me. I havent heard from Johnny. I lost the phone with his number but he has instagram. I wish he would return the money he barrowed from me.... or return my messages. It hurts my feelings that I thought I had a real good friend, and he just stole from me. What do i do? Go to his house? :( I feel like the military used me too. I did all that. I saw awe that. I suffered. And I was just... thrown away like trash. I still see my leg all disfigured even when it isnt anymore. I still hear the sounds that dead kid made, at random times. I dont even know if that is PTSD. it doesnt make sense for things to just show up. Im so angry but i have no idea what to do about it. My therapist said we could talk about it if it makes me feel better. it doesnt... But should she know what does? I havent filed the report about the robbery. the banker said, “The police dont care because they cant do anything to track these guys down.” Thats how you lose 1900$ you were saving for school. I feel like i want to die. I cant fix the things I need to fix. Im chipping away at debt and its killing me to hear voices while I work a shitty job. Everything just feels like a mockery of what I use to be. I took my awards off the wall and took the Army shit and put it away. I dont deserve to be that ghost. I dont know what I deserve.  I want a redo. and out. i want to take my time back. i want my years back. i want my money back. i want my hope back. i want to feel better. i want the truth. i want the answers. i want to know what I can do to get out of here. I want it to stop. Im tired of being weird and fragile. i am angry. I am set myself on fire angry. Im lock the door and do something violent to make your therapist feel bad angry. I couldnt ever do that to my sister. my family. but i want to. I fear i could want to, enough to listen to the stuff i hear. When did i break this much. Why dont I know what to do anymore.