#i do art bc i enjoy it n its for me first n foremost

[cheswirls]

oh the woes of having multiple hobbies....

i think it being artfight month is making me sink back into the 'i shouldn't want to do anythin but draw until this is done' mood i usually have during the semester which is.. ick, kinda

the other day i had the urge to write (unmedicated too!! that doesn't happen very often anymore!) and i should've jus acted upon that but i ended up guilttripping myself w the whole 'you should do art instead its only 30 days its only once a year' which is already so suffocating. i ended up doing neither actually in part bc i psyched myself out abt making a choice so in the nd i made no choice (typical when unmedicated so this is the okay-ish norm tbh) and think i tired myself out enough to go to sleep. i woke up to an art file on my laptop so i intented to start smth i guess

also i think checking out an ipad from campus during the semester is so much easier to draw on vs the hassle that is drawing on my display tablet these days. i miss my wacom if only bc it was wireless and thin and easy to power on and get going. with this new tablet i have to plug in 3 diff cords and its bulkier nd i gotta scoot my laptop on my desk to still be in reach bc the tablet has no touch function and it takes A LOT of power and effort out of my laptop thats 12 yrs old now. it makes drawing digitally that much more of a chore tbh and is partially the reason i've doodled so much traditionally in the past year and kept all my digital art for uni work only

which another point. is uh. idk i think i'm rambling now but. last year i got super excited for artfight and drafted a bunch of stuff digitally and was sitting at the coffee table in the main room of my apt for the first time in so long and it was going well until i got rly into tetherverse again n started working on the sequel like mad and that stole away a lot of my drawing motivation. i had two handfuls of of artfight attacks sketched and only ever finished a SINGLE one last year which was terribly disappointing. and then i think realizing that at the end of the month absolutely killed my desire to work on the writing project i'd grown so passionate about too. vicious cycle all around rly.

i dont want it to be llike that this year but once again now that artfight is here even tho its a fun thing i've made it a "requirement" in my mind which kills all my passion to work on it. i think the term is... obligation? when something turns from doing it for fun into an obligation i Have to complete then i lose allllllll motivation and desire to do it. it's THEEE reason i'm always telling my dad i could never write books for a living, bc writing is a hobby first nd foremost and although i enjoy it a lot i know as soon as i become tied down to a project and i Have To complete it or face consequences then it will suck all the fun out of it

this is the same way for school and part of the reason uni's been so hard since.... ever, really, and it's jus taken me long to realise it. i get really into an art project at the start and then as deadlines and check-ins and such creep up i become less and less engaged. i have no trouble completing things in one sitting if given the time to do so if i'm 100% invested and engaged. during spring break 2022 i stayed up for almost three nights and two days and did nothing but research and write almost 25k for a fic opener. if i had work or anything else those days i literally cannot recall. the only thing i remember doing is taking a break to walk 15min to go and pay rent and that's when it rly set in how much caffeine i'd had and how long i'd been up writing.

all of that to say that if i'm into something i can waste away working until it's done. i've said this before bit making a wip folder for art Killed™ my art creating process. i used to have one file open and work on it until it was done, and if that took me more than one full day then i'd sleep on it and finish it the very next day. i don't rmember that happening very often. now i leave things unfinished all the time and its terrible. i also have a Lot Less free time to be fair but also. also. i cannot multitask so as soon as i save a wip and move on to the next it fucking bites the dust. i've gotten into the habit of leaving smth unfinished in another window on csp in hopes that i'll jump bck to it but i stopped that after a while bc i jus collect windows like i collect internet browser tabs.

i also think to go along w the time thing.. i have to mentally acknowledge that i have sufficient time to devote to smth. i'm not the type of person that can do smth for 15 min then jump up and do smth else. if i could write 100 words a day for a fic every day then i'd have far, far less wips than i do now. its harder especially to do this for fic bc a lot of what i do is longer work and sometimes i have to sink into it. if i'm writing for a 50k+ fic i haven't touched for even a month then i need time to go over what i have and what my plans are. it's much harder to work on a longer fic after a bit has passed than it is to pick up a shorter one bc it requires less time to dive back into the world. especially if its been like 6mo-1yr, before i even start writing again i gotta reread everything i've written up to that point. that takes more than a day, and i might get tired and move on to smth else before i've even finished rereading which is so exhausting. it's exhausting to work on so many diff things at once.

with art that means i gotta have time to fight w my display tablet and get everything settled. it takes so much work and effort that if i only have a couple hours, i feel like even that's not enough bc i know i'll have to stop before i'm done. if it takes me 90 minutes to get into drawing and i gotta be ready to leave in another 30 then like whats???? the point rly???? that's how i think tho!!!! it sucks !!!!! if i'm up at 8am but ik i have smth to do at 5p then my whole day revolves around that thing happening in 9 hrs. when it hits 12p i theoretically have enough time to do smth but executive dysfunction makes it hard to pick a singular task to prioritize, and when its 3hrs away from w/e i have to do suddenly nothing is worth it anymore. i'm very much a 'sink into it' creative person which means i cannot jus dive in and work on smth. i gotta have music, i gotta have some focus, i gotta be comfortable, i gotta have my mood set to w/e i'm doing, i gotta know what direction i'm going in,a nd i gotta have energy and enthusiasm to do said creative task. all of that aligning w/ inattentive adhd is so hard and makes life so miserable, but this is compounded even moreeeeeee by not being able to work unless i make my mind feel like i have ample time to do so. mainly bc if i get rly into smth then have to stop for an obligation that i'd rather do less (mainly work! rather would do anything but work but alas) than what i'm doing currently then it drains all my energy very rapidly and i get so disappointed. w/e i'm doing after, whether it be work or class or w/e, is with an air of such disdain bc it interrupted the 'special thing i was doing' that it makes life hell in all honesty. i want to put myself thru that the least amount of times possible which is why i never start anything i know i'll have to put down w/o being able to finish. let me rephrase that. being able to finish as i'd like it. working on a super long fic but writing enough for a chapter or running out of steam on my own and finishing a scene and then being dragged away to smth else is fine, bc i've "finished" on my end even if not in full. it's being interrupted in the middle of the process when i'm not ready to quit, basically. that kind of "finished" is what i mean. if i have 2 hrs and it takes me an hr to find references and i'm not exhausted after that then another 20m to sketch smth decent and only with like half an hr or so left am i into what i'm doing then what's the point?? especially when, as established, i can push a drawing into the wip folder and forget abt it if i'm no longer "into it" when i'm back and have time to draw again.

long rambling i'm tired of but basically it's the season of drawing obligations again and i wanna try this year to have fun and do what i want but ALSo not feel guilty abt doing smth that is not drawing for other ppl, which i already do so much of year round anyway (i love it, this is not a complaint). i wanna be able to write and play pkmn and read and do whatever and not feel like i Have to be artfighting every second of the day.

[roakkaliha]

can u pls drunk ramble about something that makes you happy or something that makes u angry if u prefer that

idk if this is something that makes me rly angry but like. ive mentioned wanting to make animation memes n such before, but i have a v specific fear of one of them going Hashtag Viral or whatever, n then getting like a million bad comments abt my characters. like i know how the kids in youtube comments react to seeing a male character w wide hips, n i think theyd explode seeing poččipeä, or onuhrei. n like that fear v heavily affects my desire to make those things n it sucks.

its weird since i know those comments wouldnt rly anger me as much as just be kinda annoying at most, but ya know the brain works in mysterious ways.

[bunhed]

Thoughts on the modern music industry (any aspect)?

hmm ok i have quite a few thots. so first n foremost there’s alotta facets obvi. one thing i rlly like to look at is production n streaming. so as for production , i rlly like to bring my attention to the diy scene. not entirely the indie scene , but that has a lot to do w it. i rlly appreciate artists like hana vu whose entirely self made , but bedroom pop in itself is kinda tricky bc it’s so simple. if an artist can establish that sound , but sticks out that is rlly cool. i don’t discredit artists working w outsider producers tho. it’s just the big business kinda turns me off. don’t get me wrong i love big artists , but like i don’t respect it as much. one of the exceptions i think is rap producers n how they work w so many ppl. i just don’t like how sometimes when artists work w big producers it’s more of the producer melding them rather staying true to their artistry ig. i enjoy when artists work w producers n it’s a clear give n take good examples of this are electronic artists. usually in electronic music they’re clear sounds that you can hear working together. a recent example is arca n sophie working together recently. next topic is streaming. streaming should be reformed bc it clearly does not benefit an artist. i’m a spotify addict , but how it treats its artists could obvi be better. i like bandcamp a lot but it isn’t super practical. it saddens me how even established artists have to fight for compensation for their art. but to put a positive spin on this ask which i rlly enjoy thinking abt , i love hate the industry. i love how easy scenes can be brought up now n how what can be considered music n loved n enjoyed has become more lenient ! like the rise of hyperpop is so fun n the whole pretentious (while it may be good) side of music is being challenged a bit. alsooo as of lately , the clear divide of genres is melding together n i love that ! while subgenres can make things more complex than it needs to be i’m rlly loving mish mosh music lmao. that’s enuf i could go on for ages.

[dog-teeth]

i know this has virtually no impact on anon but genuinely i believe you should address both jk rowling and neil gaimans transmisogyny if you want to attempt to "reclaim" their material and consume it. it comes off as really harmful and empty when you say you want to protect trans girls but never address the transmisogyny of things you partake in and as a trans girl its been extremely alienating to see both authors presented with no critical thinking

u r totally right-- in general i try to keep politics/negativity off of this blog bc first and foremost its a coping strategy for me. but i should have realized that when i posted about that content i needed to address the issues surrounding it so it doesnt look like i overlook the creators/contents flaws. i deleted the posts and the art. i never really post abt harry potter anyways i just made a few art pieces for my gf of us as hogwarts students cuz they really like hp and i thought id share it here, and i will admit that i enjoy the movies n they were a big part of my childhood. but obviously jk rowling is a piece of shit for her homophobia, antisemitism (UGH it was really upsetting as a jewish person when in middle school i realized the bank goblins were super antisemitic :/), transphobia, etc. i wasnt aware of her transmisogyny until very recently when i saw a post thats circling around, and same with neil gaiman, and it def changed my perspective on both. i did enjoy good omens but i def got more critical the more i learned about it after watching it and being obsesses w it for a few days.

i have mixed feelings about this bc on one hand i think i need to take responsibility for the fact that i have a lot of followers and should use that influence to only support content by good people and bring attention to issues in the media that i and others enjoy, but on the other hand im just a random teenager on the internet and yes i sometimes enjoy content that isnt perfect or made by perfect people. i watch things as critically as possible but i do sometimes make mistakes.

[bicyclepainting]

Damien n caelum?

hi calico :3 ty for the ask <33

(answer to damien's is under the cut bc it got a bit away from me lol)

Caelum - Do you have a comfort item?

i guess i have a few comfort shirts but nothing really solid i can think of. i tend to hoard a lot of things like tickets or receipts, things like that because i form a sentimental attachment to them but i wouldnt call them comfort items. i actually have a few different cork boards on my wall and two of them have candy wrappers on them (but i wouldnt call those comfort items)

so to like actually answer the question; kinda? not particularly

If you ask more than one character question, how would those characters interact with each other?

god what an interesting duo. i dont know if damien would quite know how to handle caelum. i think hed be his tsundere self until caelum eventually broke him, because we both know caelum would (in the best way possible, of course)

Damien - What are you passionate about?

first and foremost is astrology, which most people i talk to would already know. astrology fuckin permeates my brain to the point where if i am having a conversation with someone there is a high probability im thinking about astrology and how it relates to the conversation, no matter the topic. usually i dont say anything, unless its with my best friend. when im talking w them, we constantly point out the silly little traits that relate to our charts or they tease abt them hating aquariuses (they dont) and i say that their moon sign is “scary” or “bad” (its not)

another thing im passionate about is art, in all forms. i really like the line, or lack thereof, between art and not-art. because really whats the difference between this block of text and a poem? theyre both just words. and i guess the real answer is intention, but i really like the idea that everything is art. theres something about seeing art in everything around you thats… healing, i guess is the word. i also like the definition of art that says art has to make you feel something. because thats a really broad interpretation too. and maybe there is art in anger, sadness, joy and all the gross feelings in between. and maybe thats healing too. anyway, not to sound like pretentious or anything but art is really fucking cool and its something i enjoy a lot

theres other stuff im passionate about but those are like. the two main things (for now at least)