#i distracted myself from terrifying thoughts within this rant and didn't even notice till so much later wtf

[justaspoonfulofnothing]

i think i'm just gonna talk a bunch of shit cos it's 1:43am and what better time than now tbh idk i've been staying up till 5am almost every single day for the past two or three weeks and i know it's cos i'm in a depressive episode again and then i literally can't get myself to sleep cos thoughts are scary and i'd rather just distract myself for as long as possible, but i also know that i suffer from insomnia, or have, like at this point idk what's the reason for what here anymore cos sometimes no matter how tired i am i still need hours to fall asleep and it used to be so much worse, but also like maybe it would be worse if i didn't stay up doing stuff till 5am for a change and shouldn't i actively try to fix that anyway like i'm destroying a perfectly fine sleeping schedule and am basically erasing half a day of productivity whenever this happens and i want to wake up at least at 10am or sth but for that i have to fall asleep earlier but whenever i put my phone down or stop listening to music or whatever a million things race through my head but maybe it wouldn't be this bad if i didn't occupy my brain with phone things all day cos i know i'm not giving myself any room to think but i'm doing that cos i'm kind of afraid of my thoughts like it's nothing serious but i kinda have so much anxiety that i even run away from my thoughts idk is that even a thing? i have to confront my thoughts and let them exist cos otherwise it'll only get worse and also what kind of person could i be if i did that but also there's so many things happening in my life right now and all of them are scary as fuck and i am not neurotypical like at all so maybe i just deal so much worse with certain life things idk listenting to music through headphones is like my one safe way of escaping overwhelming situations and calming myself and it also gives me so much joy so i know i won't wanna change that ever but i need to either find more things or idk like i know i can't let my brain run free all the time cos that'll make me combust and also other people and that's not safe but like how do i think thoughts without ruining my mental health when not thinking my thoughts is also ruining my mental health but thinking them will guaranteed make me spiral idk maybe i'm just scared i always flee i never fight i have so much anxiety in me istg ik the answer is therapy but i'm also terrified of that like i wanna get help and i'm literally about to get help but i have to do adult tasks to get to that point and it'll mean being in a foreign environment for a period of time and being with strangers and doing things i hate hate hate so much and being away from my dog who is pretty much the only living being i actually give a shit about and would die for and whenever i'm not with him i just want to cry and ik that's probably a very unhealthy dependence but wtf am i supposed to do about that i'm the type of person that infuriates me like how can i ruin everything for myself it took me like five years to get to this point and now all i wanna do is run away i always wanna run away what the fuck happened that made me this way like i know i've always been like this but how did nobody notice or try to teach me to like not be like that or at least challenge it like how did i make it through school with an incredibly small number of presentations how the fuck did i make it through school period tbh i know i had a wall up cos i never thought about any of the things that happened to me and the things that i struggled with but how thick and tall was that wall man part of me is so glad i took that wall down three years ago cos it got me a diagnosis that i have wanted for five but part of me also regrets it cos now i know so much about myself and it seems like i struggle more cos i'm not dissociated all day every day i guess that's a good thing but when times are bad you kinda just wish you were delirious again idk