#i didnt write it because i thought itd be too long and graffic

[haveihitanerve]

"He didn't kill joker!" Jason threw in his face. "B never avenged me! he never loved me! He. Didn't. Kill. Joker." Dick was quiet for so long Jason thought maybe he'd actually succeeded in shutting him, when he spoke, voice quieter than it had ever been. "He almost did."

The words took a second to register. "bullshit!" Jason spat when he had finally regained his tongue. Dick remained cool, staring out of the window. "He almost did." He repeated, as if those words weren't currently rattling around in Jason's brain. "When- when Joker killed you." Dick cut off, staring at the floor. "He went crazy." he whispered. "I- i was visiting because I knew it had- destroyed him. But I didn't realize how bad it was until-" Dick bit his lip. "until I got the call. It was Alfred. He was-" Dick took a shuddering breath and Jason braced himself. "He was stuttering and shaking and ordered me to get to Bruce's tracker immediately and I-" Dick shook his head. Jason had to admire his older brother for speaking so clearly. If he was reliving a moment in his life when he had witnessed Alfred, fucking Alfred, shake and stumble over his words, he would have been much less composed. "I didn't question it. I didn't even put on my suit. I just sprinted to where Bruce was. I thought-" Dick reached up a hand to his eyes and Jason realized with a jolt that he was crying. "I thought he had killed himself." Dick whispered. "i thought he had finally grown tired of it- of living without you, of fighting with me, of not being able to hold a child in his arms anymore without blood being involved." He shook his head, still staring at the floor.

"And I hated him. I hated him for leaving me, for leaving Alfred, for not having the backbone to stay and figure things out and heal- to not stay and try with me anymore. I hated- I hated that he had given up." Dick's hands were trembling, and he curled them into fists to hide it. "I hated that after everything we had gone through together, after all the life you and I had brought into his life, after all the times he had grilled it into me to just get back up- that he had just given up. Given up on life and- given up on me." The words grew so quiet Jason had to strain to hear them. And then he wished he hadn't. Dick shook himself, getting back on track. "So anyway, I raced over and... he wasn't dead. But he was just- sitting there. His legs over the edge of the building and I- I didn't understand why Alfred had sounded so scared. Why he had begged me to run." Jason had the horrible realization that he didn't want to know how this story ended. But he let Dick continue. "Until I got closer." Jason tried not to vomit. "He was- drenched in blood. It was as though he had been in a dunk tank over blood instead of water. And Joker had been the ball." Jason pressed a fist to his mouth. Dick still wasn't looking at him. "I-I didn't know what to do. So I just- sat down. Leaned against him." Dick took a shuddering breath and Jason placed his feet wide, bracing himself. "And then he started to talk." Dick whispered, a tremor in his voice. "He told me about what he'd done, and he spared no detail." Jason couldn't breathe. Something like anger, but worse, was choking his throat. "And when it was all over- when he had told me the last of the description, he turned and looked me dead in the eyes and told me, "he killed my son. if he, or anyone else, ever touches one of my children again- I will do far worse than what I did to him."" Jason sprinted to the bathroom and painted the toilet with his insides. When he returned, pale and shaky, Dick was still standing where he had been. Calm, cool, collected. "He almost did." Dick repeated once more, still not looking at Jason. Finally, he turned, making eye contact. "But you have to understand, for Dad? Killing him is too small of a punishment."