#i didnt want to say the haunted a and p words rn

[firstprinced]

Alex Claremont-Diaz, the charismatic son of Ellen Claremont.

[keiccu]

i need to write thios down rn before i forget like literally everything else

i hate that u made me wait for 2 weeks so we could read that anthology together and i mean sure u didnt force me to wait but you said youd be rfree on th 1st but if u were plannigng to leave me anyway why make me wait?? u couldve just said youre busy like how u literally excuse urself from everything

now i cant even touch mary oliver. read. i cant pick it up it makes me so sad we were supposed to read it together and it had my favorite poem and i went searchign for it for an entire day and i waited for two weeks and i was so so so excited for it but alas !!!! you quit the day or 2 days bfeore and thats so fucked up

among other fucked up things is how

how

.

you.

you were everything to me and you have so much power over me that i bent my own rules for you and like even typing that doenst even feel real bc did i really?? did i really??? regardlewss of if i did it sure have my ideals fucked up rn bc .

u were everything and u left me for ?

for ? ? having hope ??? when u left tho u said it’s bc u dont like me anymore but also u said we had diff ideals or whatever idfk i dont want to think about this so much but essentially u left me bc iu didnt like me anymroe and i dont wanna dwell on that but surely

but surely part of it is bc of all my . bc . i ? had hope ??

when i processed all the sexual bullshit i went through ive acknowledged that i,m a bit broken but beyond that beyond that i feel like after all that after being left by the one i loved the most for these core ideals that i have i feel so fucked up everything feels so messed up bc we were together for years weve been friends for years and

it was wrong?? like ig it’s stupid to say that having hope is stupid but also typing that rn feels stupid too like . 

idk if im wording this the way  i want to but i havent been the same since u left me everythhingfucking sucks i hate myself everything feels hopeless

 and ig it’s not fair that my entire . everything. hinges on you bt tahts out of the equation whatever whatever youve already left me whatever

i just feel more broken than ever i feel like a gaping wound and ive always been super interested in oceans and stuff but nowadays when i see a clip of likethe river i cant help but wish i could just jum,p and end it all

and the gaping hole thing haunts me too among the myriads of things that haunt me but whatever whatever hwatever 

im so sick but im not sick enough i feel so fucked up there’s something wrong with me and these days thats literally all i can think abt and i just recently realized thats what u kept saying too before thgat theres something wrong w u and i jsyt

it’s so fucked up im so fucke dup and everyone keeps letting me down and i cant let people in im god im nothing im veerything i want to kill people i want to kill myself i want to be free

[sweetlikekkul]

tw or rather cw self harm riots injury violence death gore .. is it even possible to mute words on tumblr? idek. plus i'd be surprised if even just a single person reads this. whatever.

how many videos of gore hidden behind fancams, people being beaten, run over, injured, killed does it take to officially having had a bad day?

i think i had a bad day today

but also, fuck am i privileged to have a bad day over minor things like that, not like it is happening to me?! fuck. i blocked probably 200 people on twt today and even more if i include yesterday. but i need to all let it out and capture it once. here. let's go from mildest to worst, k? (in retrospect, screw that, how could i rank things of this caliber) all of these are from the last three days

so yeah i saw some more self harm and blood overrun arms, i wont understand why people post that on twitter, but whatever, for some it might really be their way to cope. some of them also had tw gore in their bio, were private and said not to repost. i gotta respect that ig. still absoluely not fun to see.

oh, i just remembered this one. yup i saw someone defend hitler today!! what ! the ! fuck !

justice for George Floyd! justice for hundreds, thousands more black people treated unfairly, being injured, killed!!! i really stand behind the protests and actions against the police because what the fuuuuuuck.. i saw so many more vids of cops kneeling on necks and backs, whacking kids around, beating, tear gassing calm crowds, a cop trying to arrest a guy for eating a sandwich, saying "maybe" to the question if theyre gonna shoot sb, many vids of ppl trying to run protesters over w cars, a vid of someone actually running over someones who fell bc of the car. oh and there's more.. different but more: the reports of cops setting stuff on fire themselves, white people trying to break shop windows, white ppl joking about the situation (and the viral tweets hopefully getting them expelled).

side note: i learned lots of shit too, all the petitions, how to cover up, how not to get recognised or tracked, how to extinguish tear gas, how to wash eyes out-

i will never understand how the slitz whatever people think. whatthefuck is wrong with you when you intentionally trick people into watching jumpscares or these idk haunted videos or violent gore content or people being killed. while reporting some on twitter i saw some of the scary kinda ones, and i didnt click on them, so i didnt have sound, but yeah, those were in comparison fine, personally idc, reported and moved on. and then i wanted to report some on instagram- wtf. one of them had a human getting his head chopped off with what looked like a machete. rn i dont remember the at least two more that i saw, but tf. oH and instagram told me that rn they cant deal w all reports rn, so i am p sure it is Still Online. I JUST SAW A WARNING FOR GORE HIDDEN BEHIND A BREATHING PATTERN CIRCLE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. had them blocked already and blocked two moreee.. so. add a humans arm being cut off to that list. i am aware that i am risking it myself and stuff but yeah fuck. still just gonna list it here once. not even gonna mention how many more ppl i blocked and how many there still are. saw another arm. i now once saw just a regular vid rted by an acc there and since forever i was trying to kinda see whether and for what i should report their newest vid etc bc i dont get triggered and can take it etc ig, so, yeah, but yeah hm. i should just all report them unseen. more more more.. // addition a day later: how damn privileged am i, to complain more about seeing and being shown videos like that, insteadof having it happen to me. i should be concerned over that being real situations all day every day all over the world. fuck- //

most of this happened today.. to the point i completely forgot about the pridefall rumours from yesterday and earlier.. yeah fuck, that might be a thing too.

oh AND i forgot that that same shit was happening yesterday too except i forgot all the details now and yesterday i couldnt sleep bc my head was all abt the job shit and uni and feeling like vibrating of stress - mode. so Again i just kept reading n reading fics. (this morning in my dream i was a hair width from throwing my phone on the ground "so no head?" style)

i need a break from twitter