#i didnt think the childe obsession could get more intense than it was the first time around.

[theogonies]

i just think that childe needs a cute little traveling companion to patch his wounds and make him his favorite foods when he's feeling homesick. and i'm not saying i could be that person but i do make mean homemade пельмени

[desirediariesx]

diary entry #3

I got fucked so hard that I was ¢umming and crying at the same time

I discovered a new k!nk... Now, I kinda already knew that I had this one, but I never knew that I was thattttt into it ahaha. Ive always been submissive ever since I first started having sex but last night it was taken to a new level. I had the most powerful org@sm of my entire life and I think im obsessed now. I went on a date with this new guy and he ticked all the boxes. He planned everything and picked me up and was polite and charismatic and interesting and smart. He was awesome enough that I ended up letting him take me home with him, and DAMN, I did not expect him to be even better in bed than he was on the date but he really hit a home run ahahaha.

When we got to his place he had already kinda gotten me h0rny just by touching and hugging me at all the right times and we were making out within minutes of sitting down on the couch. All of a sudden he picked me up like I was nothing (hes so strong), and carried me to his bedroom. He set me down on the bed gently and expertly took off all of my clothes. I could tell I was gonna get fucked good already haha. In seconds I was fully naked and his tongue was deep inside of my pussy kissing and licking every part of it. I was SOAKED lol.

Little did I know, he had way more planned for me than just some good head haha. He could tell I was ready to get fucked so he took his shorts off and kissed me while rubbing his c0ck against my wet af pu$$y. He wrapped his hand around my throat while asking me if I liked how I tasted at the same time. His c0ck was huge so even tho I was super fucking wet it took him a second to fully get into me. After a minute or two of being fucked gently I think he realized that I wanted even more, and he took it up a notch.

He started asking me if I wanted to be fucked like the dirty little $lut that I am and I nodded and moaned in approval. He started choking me HARD and I could barely catch my breath. Then, all of a sudden he slapped me fucking hard across my face and he told me he was gonna use me like the toy I was. Ive never been so turned on in my life ahah. He started absolutely pounding me at that point and he was hitting me everywhere. My ass, my t!ts, my face.

He COMMANDED me to open my mouth and he spit in my mouth, then ordered me to swallow it. I did. He kept hitting me while he fucked me and it was so fucking intense but somehow also the best feeling ive ever had.

At one point he slapped me across the face so fucking hard, and all of a sudden I found myself crying. Like CRYING CRYING. I had tears pouring down my cheeks. He didnt stop tho, and I didnt want him to. Seconds later I was ¢umming harder then I ever had in my entire life and I had like a two minute long orgasm it was INSANE. At the end of it he told me that I was his and he filled my pussy with ¢um. Ive never wanted a guys ¢um inside me so bad.

I never knew that I would enjoy being fucked so roughly like that but I cant fucking wait until the next time I get to see him. I think I want his child lmaoooo. I just had to tell someone about this cause I feel like ill never think about sex the same way after that experience so I hope u guys enjoy haha

[autisticdiluc]

yandere simulator ramble (mostly ab ayano)

see my thing is with yandere sim obviously there are a bunch of problems from alex himself being the developer, the panty shots in the game (because even tho it's used as blackmail with info-chan and sold to those who want it or wtv there could be a way easier way to blackmail the girls for points), the depiction that the bullies are gyaru giving the impression most gyaru's are mean/bullies, the fact that oh everyone is 18 even though they clearly arent?? amongst other things

yet even then there's something still addicting about the game especially with ayano being a yandere, or to consider: someone with obsessive love disorder (the highest 'level' or intensity of this). even then, although obviously everyone in the aishi family just has to be a yandere, it was gonna be obvious that ayano was gonna be one too right?

First Part: Emotions

ryoba fed into the mindset that ayano needed that special someone to be complete so she could finally feel something and she's 'reassuring' ayano that she, ryoba, was the same way when she was younger as well until she found jokichi. ayano, as a child, knew something was wrong with her. there is no doubt that something continues to be wrong with her especially after her own mother teaches her to get rid of blood to use it later to "get rid of future obstacles." Obstacles which refer to the rivals; rivals who are just girls that have a crush on taro (minus muja kina and mida rana because theyre just creeps i fear). even so ryoba's words lingered in ayano's mind. that was ayano's reason to live - something to look for. which btw is kinda fucked up cause she's a child thinking this but also fair anyway,,

Jokichi has attempted to make ayano's life better. he has tried to be a good father; he has tried to be the best that he can be in order to make his daughter feel normal. but with how ayano is - how she is broken from the start - it was impossible. it didn't help that ryoba encouraged the behaviour almost, saying she was exactly the same as ayano AND how she wasn't worried at all. jokichi didn't like that but ayano is nothing but an empty girl. however, what i find interesting is that she felt pity for her father. despite everything she felt pity, and that!! is an emotion!! why i find this interesting is how she can feel something for someone else but not for herself. as a result of her pity, she began to act like other children pretending to be normal and happy for jokichi, despite how she knew that he didnt really believe her happiness himself.

and then!! ayano began to pretend all the time. to stop the bullying, to fit in with everyone because it was simply more convenient even if ayano didn't really care if it happened or not. she had friends (though she didnt care about them) and she had a routine established by pretending all the time. she grew resentful of being 'broken'. as funny as that is because she was supposed to broken, yet, she felt emotions to a mild degree. resentment (some might also say bitterness) is like more complex emotion rather than your typical joy sadness etc but it's still an emotion. and ayano WANTS to feel and have emotions anyway. she craves it, ayano longs to feel, its almost painful itself because she can't experience it to a high degree. HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!! as small as it is she's felt emotion: she's felt pity and bitterness and she wants and wants and thats so interesting. what's even more interesting is her length to have emotions. in her lore video, she is seen killing a cat to see if she felt something like guilty or remorse but nothing happened. this is where it (chronologcally) is seen that ayano is willing to do extreme things to see if she could feel something, so it's not a surprise when she's willing to kill her 'rivals' to keep taro.

now ayano is described as someone who has no personality, no hobbies, no true friends, nothing, just an empty husk of a person. however, when she meets taro that changes drastically. she has clearer and obvious emotions; she finally has the feelings she always wanted. although, i believe that she wouldn't react to having feelings the best especially after finding osana talking to taro etc etc. if you lived your entire life having no emotions (not any major or obvious ones anyway) until you find your someone (someone who you've been dreaming of, waiting for, needing) and all the emotions finally comes crashing down all at once,, don't you think you'd be more than a bit overwhelmed? she's been missing out on all the sensations people had since birth. she's always felt incomplete and then all of a sudden she meets taro and it fits like a missing puzzle piece finally being placed down. it was clear that taro made her feel happy, wanting love and all positive emotions. although, now that she has emotions: she's going to have to experience the 'bad' ones too. she'll experience anger, annoyance, fear, anxiety, jealousy, desperation, envy, hatred etc etc.

as soon as she sees osana talk to taro yeah you can tell she feels all the negative emotions all at once. she finally has emotions, she finally can experience what everyone else takes for granted, but osana comes in and threatens her. osana talks to taro, has a crush on him, and that sends a spike of fear and anger through ayano because ayano should not be stripped away of her newly found emotions. she needs the emotions. and as a result she needs taro because he is the one allowing her to feel this way. she's in love with the emotions. it's not love that she has for taro, not really, but she is obsessed. she has the overwhelming obsessive desire to protect and possess taro (which is literally the description of obsessive love disorder). she needs taro like how she needs air now that she's met him.

as i said like 3 paragraphs above she's going to be overwhelmed, like it or not, and whenever people are overwhelmed they tend to take an unnecessarily drastic and extreme path because when you're overwhelmed you aren't in the best mindset. ayano is still a human even if she was "broken" before. she makes mistakes and she's going to be overwhelmed by her emotions for a while especially because she feels like she's is almost dead when she's not near taro. taro is a trigger for her essentially. when he's near, the overwhelming feelings all come back. she felt dead before, now she doesn't and these feelings repeat over and over every time she's away from taro and when she goes near him again.

on another note, although ayano "has" taro currently, (in the sense she knows where he is, he's just in her reach and he's so close to being hers; the only thing stopping that is that he doesn't know completely acknowledges her, AND there are her 'rivals') she still feels broken and incomplete when not near him as mentioned. yet, this incomplete feeling hurts MORE because she knows who her someone is. im going to bring up the fact that ryoba and jokichi went to the states for a 'vacation' (to kill the journalist) without warning. i find it interesting because ayano is most likely to experience negative emotions more intensely than before. taro has brought the emotions to light so i believe she still feels them when she's not near him but it's so mild that it's barely there. despite that, there is no doubt that negative emotions are easier to feel. ayano was shown to be angry that osana has a crush on taro (and she wasn't near taro at the time) after finding out from info chan in the opening cutscene,, in fact she was at home meaning she was not close to taro at all. as i mentioned before though taro is almost like a trigger so its most likely just that. but even then the intensity of negative emotions she could feel may be easier to give into. so.... going with an idea that they are easier to give into, it's easier to feel even when not around taro. i believe the feeling of loneliness is something that is practically overtaking ayano's very mind.

ayano has always been lonely, before she met taro and after. she's been lonely in the sense that she never had been able to connect with her peers on a genuine note. lonely in the sense that jokichi only worried about her wanting her to be normal and ryoba was the opposite, not worrying at all. lonely in the sense she always felt incomplete, lonely cause she knew she wasnt normal, lonely because she needed to be fixed, lonely because nobody other than her mother and all those who suffered from the "aishi conditon" would understand her. and even though those with the "aishi condition" would understand, most have already found their someone (or killed themselves, some have been hypothesized to live even without their special someone, yet, theres no canon proof of that i think) so they werent "broken" anymore. and speaking of the those finding their someone it is highly likely that ryoba devoted more of her time to jokichi than she did to ayano. the reason i believe this is because although ryoba has jokichi, she needs him to love her as well. gonna leave it there because i can make a whole different ramble on that alone but!!! ryoba and jokichi are away in the states currently. so if ayano did feel lonely before, she's going to feel lonely in that empty house. a house too big with your own thoughts, own freedom and doing whatever the hell you want. ryoba actively encouraged ayano to do whatever she needed to do to get rid of the 'obstacles' in her life if she found her special someone. its no surprise with the eliminations you can do one of them is torturing your rivals (or even just mind breaking a random student). (On a side note Japanese houses don't typically have built in basements so ryoba had to literally custom add that)

anyway I bring forth another thing: neglect. however I'm going to go into detail with this with the second part: OLD

Second Part: Obsessive Love Disorder

Obsessive Love Disorder is something that Ayano has. Obsessive Love Disorder as said earlier is a disorder where a person feels obsessive over another person and feels the need to protect them. this isn't really looked at as an 'actual' disorder to psychologist but i couldn't give two bare fucks about that. let's break it down with SOME of the symptoms of OLD:

overwhelming attention to someone

obsessive thoughts

feeling the need to protect the person you're in love with

possessive thoughts and actions

extreme jealousy over interpersonal relationships

low self-esteem

may not take rejection lightly/easily

ignoring personal boundaries

overly controlling

being overwhelmed with emotions about a person that is disrupts your daily function

threatening the other if they leave

monitoring the others actions

blurring or crossing boundaries

anxiety

inability to tolerate time away

most if not all of these things can be easily associated to ayano's behavior. ayano stalks taro, occasionally fantasizes that he kidnaps her, dislikes all the girls who try and talk to taro, wants him all to herself, feels dead when he's not near, follows him home so she can spend more time 'protecting' him, cannot see a life without him (evidenced by 'snap' ending as when she kills him, she kills herself not long after), her first interaction with him shows her finally feeling emotions and as i said she's going to feel overwhelmed with them, anger and anxiety that a 'rival' may be able to take taro away from her, based on ryoba where she tortured jokichi i doubt that ayano would take lightly is taro tried to leave her, finally rejection results in quite literally being heartbroken AND snap so it's obviously not taken easily nor lightly etc etc

anyway!! those are some examples that relate to the symptoms now here are two of the many causes.

some of y'all (if anyone reads this actually but the group council in my head will suffice) may not like this one but number 1 is neglect.

neglect is one of those things that can be in several forms. the more common forms would be emotional neglect (AND!! physical neglect), e.g. not telling your child you're leaving to go away to take care of some 'business' until you're already gone. (even worse when the business is to kill a man but yk). with this neglect you're emotionally unavailable (and in this case also physically). to understand better emotional neglect it is when a child does not receive the stimulation and nurturing they need. ayano has not received stimulation or the necessary nurturing from ryoba because ryoba fully heartedly believes that all ayano needs is that special someone. in a sense, she is right but she was actively neglecting ayano by not helping her instead just repeating that someone will come to complete and fix her. (it must be remembered that not all neglect is intentional, but it happens anyway) as said in the example it can also be physical neglect as ryoba left a teen all by herself in a house whilst indirectly promoting the use of the basement through vague post cards and childhood lessons.

(And yes! Encouraging negative behavior is neglect because you do not care what happens to those around you!)

another form of neglect that ayano experienced was medical neglect. this form of neglect isn't as obvious but can be picked up in ayano's lore video. at the very beginning, it is stated that her first memories are that of hospitals, doctors and everything medical wise. this was most definitely jokichi's work as the best ryoba has stated on the matter was how they were similar and how ayano will find her someone to complete her. now later (but before ayano pretends) the hospital etc weren't mentioned again. it can be thought and implied that ryoba decided it was a waste to focus medically on ayano because she'll simply find her someone to cure her later. this can be thought out to be medical neglect because there could've been a small chance if ayano kept doing, if she visited more happy places there's a possibility something could've changed. even then this neglect isn't so obvious so it's easy to ignore. to add on though teaching your child how to clean up blood for not so good reasons is encouraging negative behavior and could be a contribution to her messed up mindset.

another reason would be delusional jealousy. this is inhibited by an instance or things that are false. this delusional jealousy can also make one believe someone is in love with them even if there are obvious signs that is not the case.

okay for this reason I believe the delusion itself is fostered by the fact that ayano needs taro so she believes he must need her. it's a common mindset even without OLD that if someone needs something, others must need it too making possessiveness and jealousy to form. because the game isn't complete and is likely not going to be complete in the next decade, it's hard to tell if taro would actually like ayano as a genuine person. (and I would say that it's kind of obvious that he doesn't but in game taro is a pussy? if you even stand near him for more than 5 seconds he's like "oh she's strange" "stay back get away from me!!" even when ayano isn't doing anything?? like in game I wouldn't be close enough where the pink love thing pops up and taro would still be like "get away from me!!!") but if ayano hypothetically talked to him like all of her rivals, then taro would maybe like her.

once again these two are not the only ones that can be associated with ayano but these are the only ones I wanted to discuss.

anyway ending this section to go to the next important one!! drumroll... Pacifist vs Murderer

Third Part: The Endings

this is the third part of my rant that consists of pacifist ayano vs murderer ayano which could be "Good Ending" Ayano and "Bad Ending" Ayano.

starting off with something a good bunch of yan sim fans don't actually agree on is that pacifist ayano is a completely different person than murderer ayano.

and you might be thinking "wrap it up luca,, pacifist is different than a murderer no shit"

but really it's more than that. pacifist ayano is different because she actually truly expresses her emotions when she's a pacifist. even if you gossip about the rivals or expell them where they don't show up to school anymore, ayano can be seen as a person who expresses her emotions because she's so much more than a murderer. this is even more vividly seen if you befriend the rivals. once again this is based off the two rivals that are out, osana and amai. if you decide to befriend osana and she comes to your house in the morning, there is the infamous talk where osana talks about her stalker and how she can't believe that someone could fall in love without knowing them. this, to ayano and the player itself, can be associated with ayano herself especially considering how she 'loves' taro without knowing him and has stalked him. now when ayano decides not to betray osana, giving her normal tea, it can be seen how desperate ayano is to keep taro without actually harming osana. osana may like taro, but ayano needs him. the desperation expressed through the befriend route shows the most human ayano ever. this desperation and longing for taro is carried through the same befriending route with amai (although her conversation involves jabs at having a "rival" and "eliminating" them).

the most human and realest part of ayano is when she befriends the rivals and begs them not to confess to taro. (if it isn't obvious I love the pacifist ending because I like the raw desperation and human form of ayano compared to the murderer route)

in contrast to pacifist ayano, when ayano murders the rivals, her sanity obviously decreases. unlike in game where you can giggle or go near taro to increase your sanity, it's not that easy irl.

keep in mind if ayano doesn't increase her sanity and it goes below 20% then ayano starts hallucinating and murdering those around her. even if ayano could realistically easily increase her sanity after killing a rival that is to show that ayano will only be a murderer (something the headmaster and megami saikou thinks her to be). if ayano were kill and regain her sanity quickly she is as broken as people think her to be. she is truly nothing but an empty husk who follows her mother. she may have emotions but she isn't someone you can love. she isn't someone who can be seen as a human. like ryoba, ayano would most likely follow the path that ryoba led where ayano simply kidnaps taro at the end torturing him and making him her husband. as said earlier, negative emotions are easier to form so it would be easy to give in to the pestering intrusive thoughts to kill her rivals. it's the quickest way out and it's the true emotionless thing most want her to be. being violent seems to be the easiest way out and most often people take that route, however, in the very end ayano simply follows her mother's path of decay and destruction. murderer ayano is easier to conform, though, is that the real ayano? is she someone who can't be proven not to be broken? another thing is that if ayano does go this route and she doesn't get caught, all she ends up doing is create a cycle. she continues down the path that ryoba had laid out for her since the beginning. (which honestly is the lousiest route and ending to take because people just loveee the trope of repeating the cycle)

personally I don't care much for the murderer ending but I will admit it is interesting to see how ayano spirals and ultimately decides to kill off every single one of her rivals.

the next two endings are going to be briefly the genocide ending and "snap" ending.

genocide ending is simply the ending where ayano is a murderer but instead of just applying that to just her rivals she does it to the entire school minus taro. it's the 'darkest' ending depending on how you look at it because it proves that ayano couldn't stand anyone else coming between her and taro. she needed taro all to herself and she did just that by killing every single person in the school all in the first day of the week (minus the headmaster, taro, infochan and the guidance counsellor). in this ending you can tell that ayano's sanity is completely gone by the way she says "so..i killed them all" in the cutscene that plays. ayano says it in such a manic and inhuman way its obvious that she doesn't regret it now that she can have taro all for herself. at the very end of the cutscene it pans to taro being in the basement tied up. this is where its clear that ayano follows ryoba completely (if not surpassing her in terms of violent nature and sense due to how she killed every one instead of just her rivals) to keep taro as her senpai.

and finally, snap ending. Snap ending is by far the most interesting one in terms of endings. Before ayano kills taro with the knife, when she walks to every student she kills them with her bare hands. in this ending I believe that she's more "broken" than her other endings. she's given up on this world and she's willing to take out others who get in her way (literally). the others are so terrified to the point where they can't even move, they just watch until it's their turn. ayano feels nothing but heartbreak and there's no other option but to kill taro then herself. even before she kills herself with the same knife she used to stab him, the insistence of voices saying "do it" continue to loop giving her no other option but to join taro. this ending is so interesting because it shows how ayano physically cannot live without taro and how she's willing to make sure that nobody else has him. another thing interesting about it is the trope of "if you die, I die". this trope is placed into things like Romeo and Juliet where Juliet pretends to die and Romeo kills himself to "join" her. when Juliet wakes up and finds Romeo dead she soon follows killing herself actually to join him.

anyway I think I'll stop for now cause I've been at this for hours LOL

The End (for now..)

idk I like yan sim a lot and I love ayano's character (I doubt yandere dev was smart enough to do it on purpose but whatever.) Ayano is literally my girl and I love her so much ❤️❤️ ayano is just a girl she can do many wrongs and ill support her anyway

[yikes-strikes-again]

highlights from my adventures in Area X, totally blind the whole time until i finished Acceptance. Spoilers for all of it.

me being neurotic about spoilers (this is a common theme)

obsessed with how this is my first instance of theorizing. the last two sentences are eerily accurate and i can't believe i said "alien planet" that's hilarious

this is good analysis too bad i was missing a key piece of information that makes my inadequate conclusion actually make sense

middle of Annihilation, first attempt at analyzing Where lies...this is actually pretty close to what I think about the tower text Now except missing the parts that would have never occurred to me without reading further (that the Crawler is Saul and that Area X is not on earth).

aw this is so cute. They don't even know about the first expedition footage with the sky leviathan POV (i have a pet theory that SR used that clip specifically to brainwash the husband. this is supported by his anecdote of falsely attributing memory to lived experience when its origin was television, as a young child)

i was so right

this is so funny. you are like a little baby

this is still Based

The Antics

this theory is so fucking funny considering how much grace hates lowry

this was like the least brutal of my Control roasts. they ramped up considerably in Acceptance

then i stopped reading the trilogy for eight months and had to start over Authority. but i still thought about it. this is me thinking about it.

This was me like a third of the way into Authority. What the fuck. It's not that creepy when you consider the information dispensed by that point but it's still kind of creepy how accurate my actual predictions were when my ideas were still wrong

then i went to sleep and

so true, me. So righteously true. magic IS real and it's coming to fuck up your town

Future me here: Yea it was a red herring

More Control roasts:

CALL ME IMPORTANT THAT'S MY NAME

Fragment of my "Area X clones are agents of germination" theory. I felt so smart at the end of Authority. So in Control if you will. And then

it was fucking life changing. the homosexuals that they were

first drama in the gc...

This is when the amount of Divine Knowledge brought to me by Accemptance started to get to my consciousness. Once i start saying phrases like "the virgin control and the chad ghost bird" and "the Caroline to his GlaDOS" and "everyone is a clone of a clone of a clone of a clone" that's when you know i've lost the thread

more disjointed quotes because i ran out of images:

"the BASED control vs. the CRINGE everyone else is no longer the dynamic because he's not narrating. i feel like i just broke up with him" "so does ghost bird probably"

"The time dilation really came out of left field. Kind of like a "well shit. thats a hell of a mystery no one thought was a mystery and didnt even really need solving. but damn if it didnt just get solved so nice work"" <- me forgetting how hard i tried to solve the mystery of the cellar journals compost

"When they see that reflection of themselves, they despise it, they need to destroy it This series is about environmentalism as much as it could be The need to make Area X an enemy with a pathological desire to destroy says more about the humans than it does Area X. When they see themselves, they hate so much what they see. But I don't think Area X necessarily hates humans at all. Only the biologist/Ghost Bird can even seem to contemplate that. Maybe Whitby could, briefly, in his endless circular ramblings, but that did not quell his fear and hatred for himself" <- rumination on automatic senseless clone violence

at one point i got whiplash from the Grumpy emotion i got from biologist's borderline ecofascism to the Intense Bittersweet of Saul's fatherly attachment to Gloria in light of everything and then the Pain of trying so hard not to laugh at the thought of someone saying "Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot, I'm aware this looks strange" in response to being caught washing a mouse

"phone creature even BETTER than mouse washing" I characterized the phone creature as "little Lowry - his son that he doesn't want" because that amuses me forever

i love how i'm like "i could pass on more of lowry, i'm so sick of that guy" and then proceed to write four Thousand words of meta about him. i like the Theory of lowry. he's a horrible broken man who throws drinks at milves

and i love imagining that everyone who comes back from Area X is a clone no matter what not because that makes any sense but because i get to imagine two versions of every character. i'm like "i love the idea of Lowry being a clone all this time and somehow being protected from the fact by a quirk of his creation. And that he's imperfect compared to Original Lowry in odd ways but SR just chalked up his change to the intense trauma of the event, and if it ever seriously occurred to them they decided it didn't really matter. And if he knew. I don't know what he'd do And real Lowry is a megalodon in the ocean terrorizing plankton instead of lower-tier bureaucrats"

another thought: "I still love the thing that stitches across the sky. I think it's an avian cosmic leviathan, as the biologist is an amphibious cosmic leviathan. You could call it a dragon."

i ended up with a pretty secure Grand Unifying Theory that isn't interesting because you probably all have the same one. It's about the process

my final words of wisdom:

that's the books.

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)

[cottoncandyjester]

Your blog is an absolute delight to browse through <33333

I adore your OCs. They all have their individual quirks and seeing you write them is a treat.

If you are accepting requests, I was wondering if you could do some reverse comfort for your OCs? Where they're not having a good day and their s/o comforts them.

I love yandere content but I am still a sucker for that good wholesome stuff :).

I absolutely love this

Also Was unsure if I should add salem in this cause a lot of people sent hate about him since i Introduced him cause he's disgusting but i did add him cause I love him and he needs love and support

Story contains: some angst, talk of self harm, fluffy fluff, soft boys

Theodore

You've never seen theo angry ever since you two got together but today he seemed to be stressed out, he was studying for a test and from the sounds of it he was going crazy. You walked towards the room only to hear a loud crash which made you jump and you rushed in

Theo had thrown his glasses across the room now sitting in the chair with his head in his hands a shaky sigh escaping him.

"im never going to get it, damn it.."

You looked at the papers scattered about and it looked like some intense stuff, you walked towards theo and hugged him from behind.

"take a break.."

Theo chuckled lightly before he leaned back looking in your eyes, it was clear he hasn't slept in a while.

"you know i can't do that angel, you get to bed though it's late"

You moved onto theo's lap which he allowed, he shivered lightly at the stern look in your eyes since he never seen you look this serious. He tried to settle your worries by giving you soft kisses on your neck but it seems you weren't easy to sway.

"theodore, I want you to get into bed with me and sleep right now."

The male sighed and looked at the clock on the study desk seeing it was about 2am, he did want sleep but he was far too worried about not passing to even think about it.

"sweetie, I have to study. How will I be a good husband if I don't finish college?"

"who says you arent already a good husband?"

Your words shocked him and he stared at you with a confused look before you lovingly wrap your arms around his neck and planting a soft kiss onto his lips.

"you're perfect theo, you don't have to constantly prove it okay? Don't ever doubt that."

Theodore was silent after that and he buried his face in your neck with a low hum, he truly didn't deserve you.

"you think I'm perfect?"

"of course I do, I love you so come and get some rest"

Theo decided to give in and lay down with you and for some reason when he did all those worries drifted away.

Hikaru

Hikaru didnt have time feeling sad, he was a model not to mention a public figure. He never lets you see that side of him unless it's to lash out at you but he onky does that in anger. Today was different, he was quiet today which Definitely wasn't like him

"hey, [y/n]?"

You looked up from your phone to look at the male who just got out the shower his hair still damp and he only wore sweatpants

"what's wrong? Want me to dry your hair again? You should put on a shirt before you get sick"

Hikaru said nothing and simply walked towards you and hugged you close making you both fall back on the bed, the shocked you and you started to pat hikaru on the back trying to get him off.

"h-hey! Are you okay? Are you sick?! Hikaru?!"

"I'm..sorry I'm really sorry, [y/n] dont leave cause I'm really sorry"

He was making zero sense and it only concerned you more but you heard sniffling which made you now freaked out so you softly pulled him back seeing tears rolling down his face.

"hey, why are you crying? What's wrong hikaru?"

The male sat up now sittinf on his knees and he kept his head down letting his hair cover his face as he tried to stop crying.

"I know you dont really love me, I'm mean and cold and awful. You want to leave don't you? But- but I don't want you to go! Im sorry I don't know how to love you i just don't know!"

Hikaru sounded an absolute mess and you didn't know where this was coming from but he simply out the male close into a hug letting him nuzzle his face into your chest as you played with his slightly damp hair.

"yeah, you are mean and cold..but I love you. You can be so sweet and really fun to be with, hikaru Im not going to leave no matter what"

"r-really? No matter what?"

"of course! After all without you my sense of style would be a mess!"

You heard a muffled chuckle escaping him as he hugged you tightly now resting his head on your chest

"you're an idiot."

With a cocky grin you poked his cheek earning a hushed whine of discomfort from you which you found adorable

"but I'm your idiot, so you're stuck with me!"

Axis

Axis is the type where he will tell you when he's sad, he's a crybaby so he will absolutely let you know when he needs comfort. So when the male popped up while you were thinking about what to do for dinner you figured he was feeling down

"what's wrong ax?"

"artblock..I have to come up with a new piece but i have nothing"

You gave a small hum before stopping and turned around wrapping your arms around him.

"well, how about we go on a date tonight we can go out to eat and do a bunch of fun stuff.."

"like fireworks?!"

You sighed loudly at your boyfriend's obsession with fireworks and decided to please him and his wishes

"we can get sparklers and small stuff okay?"

Axis smiled brightly and kissed your cheek over and over.

"date night date night!"

He started chanting like a child and you couldn't help but laugh at his antics but you were glad he wasn't sad anymore.

Prince

Prince hides his insecurities very well with flirting and smooth words, he likes you to think that he's all okay. you noticed he was far more clumsy today with things, it went from simply dropping things to full on tripping and falling.

Prince winced as he tripped and fell ontop of you earning an annoyed huff from you as you glared up at him for of his weird behavior that he brushes aside like its nothing

"prince what the hell is going on? You're being weird today"

Prince looked down at you before letting out a loud groan before nuzzling his face into your neck feeling quite embarrassed

"I'm scared..of our future"

"why would that scare you?"

Prince picked his head up and had a slight pout before he glanced away being unsure of how to put his words together.

"you're my first real serious relationship..what if I screw up?"

"oh princey.."

Your soft cooing made him even more embarrassed and he groaned while laying his face in your chest.

"you're amazing and great and I'm just..me!"

You simply messed with his hair finding his remark to be pretty dumb but you excused it cause he looked far too cute when pouty.

"prince, I love you forever and ever you aren't going to screw it up"

After a few minutes of silence he popped up and hopped to his feet with newfound energy

"you're right! I mean I'm pretty great! I bet you wanna marry me cause I'm so handsome!"

Well he was definitely back to normal

Yuki

It honestly took you weeks to figure out yuki was upset cause he is the master of hiding his emotions. He never shows many emotions besides a smile when around you or a glare when around strangers.

of course he doesn't talk about his feelings at all either so you are blissfully unaware of how he feels, until he slipped up and finally broke.

You had come home from shopping when you noticed how quiet the house was which was normal but it had an eerie feeling to it.

"is he taking a nap? Hmm.."

You went to the room and opened the door to see yuki curled up in the bed, the light were off and he was pretty quiet so you assumed he was sleeping but as you started to get ready for a shower when a muffled sniffle made you turn back to yuki and you walked to him before softly moving the blankets only to get a slight sight of tears before he buried himself deeper into the pillow to hide.

"y-yuki?"

"go."

You sat on the bed now fully invested in helping him but you had a feeling you knew what was wrong, you softly rubbed his back seeing that he was sweaty and slightly shaking.

"you have a nightmare?"

There was silence before he nodded and you simply laid next to him facing his back and softly touching his back your gentle touch being enough to cheer him up.

When he turned to face you his eyes were puffy yet had bags under them, his hair was a mess and he was breathing harshly from fear.

"wanna talk about i-"

"no."

You gave a sigh and simply cuddled against him and closed your eyes, his body stiffened but quickly relaxed before he held you close and closed his eyes

"just rest then. I'm here now okay?"

"mhm.."

Yuki smiled as he buried his face in your hair taking in your scent and feeling his body settle against yours. He didn't need words of comfort or huge signs of affection this was all he needed..you being here helped him far more than any words can.

Salem

When salem breaks down it's heartbreaking and intense, he gets into these PTSD triggered panic attacks to the point where he just loses it.

You had left the house and left him alone, it was only for a few hours but when you came back the bedroom was trashed and salem was freaking out curled up in the corner.

"b-bad boy, very bad super bad..I've been so bad I'm so sorry sorry sorry sorry"

"salem!"

You rushed to him and sat on your knees infront of him seeing fresh bruises and marks on his face, he probably hurt himself again.

"salem, baby look at me"

"b-bad boy..bad boys deserve death"

He was definitely not listening and you totally needed to snap him out of it so you did the one thing you could think of...you slapped him.

It wasn't too hard but he definitely looked up at you in shock now focused on what you had to say.

"you're not in that dark place anymore salem, you're here with me and no one is dying okay?"

"b-but I'm a sinner, I'm disgusting, revolting, i-"

You cut him off by selling your lips against his roughly kissing him and settling him down.

When you pulled back you gave him a stern gaze not letting him spill anymore degrading words out.

"listen to me salem. I love you and all your weird quirks! I don't care what anyone else says you're my boyfriend and I love you more than anything okay?"

"y-your lips t-taste like sugar.."

With that he leaned forward trailing his tongue over your lips with a shaky laugh

"thank you, [y/n]"

[bakuraryxu]

talking about meds and stuff unsolicited opinions (especially from [redacted] people!!!!) are NOT welcome unless its to tell me how cool i am for doing stuff about my health

like.... its not a magic weight loss drug. its just like.... accelerating everything i already do. watching my diet is still boring but its easier now. i dont feel like im missing out quite so much. its like the obsessive part of my brain doesnt latch onto chocolate and junk food and sweets like it did before where it felt like my throat was cut if i didnt have something yummy right then and there. ive had a block of choccies in the cupboard for a week bc im only eating a few squares every other day because it tastes good. not because i feel like i need it.

exercising is easier too. it used to drain me and leave me more fatigued than usual. i see an exercise physiologist who promised me regular exercise would raise my base level of energy and he was a FUCKING liar. not on purpose or anything, my stupid idiot brain and body just refused to feel anything other than fatigue and trepidation at the thought of working out.

its like the perfect balance between appetite reduction and giving energy. im waking up around 6am and going for walks. its so easy to avoid snacks, a tiny amount of chocolate satisfies me, i havent had any intense cravings ....yet.... and god willing, i wont. its been 6 days and the first couple days i didnt feel anything, just dizzy and lightheaded and cranky. i get to watch the sunrise bc i get up so early. i walk my dog around a busy neighbourhood lake and i socialise with strangers who are also out walking their dogs and its great.

Before my biggest issue was my never-ending appetite. it didnt matter how much i ate, or how well (i see a nutritionist he assured me my nutrition is pretty good), i was constantly hungry. now im not. its not total appetite suppression for me i describe it more like a dampening effect. i get kinda hungry, i go eat a salad or whatever the fuck, and im satisfied for a couple hours. like on god. this is so ALIEN for me. and its great! i still drink coffee but because i like the taste, not because i feel like ill die without the caffeine boost.

this legal speed stuff is insane i totally get why people do meth now like ive thoguht abt it in the past bc the idea of not sleeping for days is so crazy but anyway.

its phentermine not amphetamines but anyway im loving it lmaoooooo like i feel normal. i feel so normal its insane. i can wake up and feel normal and i have energy, not even like. excessive. i just HAVE energy, which i never really had before? the fatigue fucking sucked the life out of me but atm im in a good place like mentally and getting there physically. im sore all over from working out, whcih ive done almost every day this week. im being social. im thriving. im losing weight. hopefully im building lean muscle mass too.

wish i took a before photo. im still extremely overweight but i know im slimming down and i feel great and cute and good looking. to reach a healthy weight i have like. so any kgs to go .... but u know. i dont know how much i believe these ideal weight bmi things, like i just cnanot conceptualise what i would look like if i was that slim??? and i havent weighed that much since i was a child. we’ll see what happens. this week was pretty easy all things considered, i hope i can keep it up.

so far my biggest side effect complaints are cotton mouth and irritability (see gif for example). its not a constant thing but i do think im more aggressive than usual? im ready to start biting people. oh also the insomnia i guess but these three things... could be for any reason. not just the drugs. its impossible to say. im not unfamiliar with dry mouth and trouble sleeping from antidepressants ive taken in the past lol.

[fivour]

ppl who call jotaro’s personality boring or bland make me

ugh

like you can have ur opinions. u likely dont mean any harm and thats fine idc im not attacking you for not vibing with jotaro kujo, that would be silly

but it’s really damn obvious that jotaro is severely depressed.

and it always makes me feel weird to see people call his personality boring (i dont mean character development, that’s a different thing entirely) bc as someone w depression it’s so nice to finally see a character that is......... like me. you’d think w how common depression is authors wouldn’t be such misinformed cowards but a lot are. so jotaro is very dear to me. ironically it took almost a year for me to realize i relate to him so hard bc there’s like a 99.99999% chance he’s depressed.

depression is more than just being sad & people can be very high functioning and successful despite depression so let’s get that out of the way while i explain in unnecessary length why i believe this whether it was intentional by araki or not.

1. it makes you angry & moody depression and anger go hand in hand. irritability is a symptom for a reason, baby! it can make you very aggressive and give you a very short fuse (or the opposite, make you repress it). god knows i am aware of this lol. even the smallest things can set off intense anger. and jotaro’s aggressive responses r a notable feature of his character. not to mention that sometimes when you get really angry, it feels better than feeling nothing; sometimes you end up seeking it out just to feel something.

2. it makes you feel like a problem jotaro worries excessively, albeit for a reason but it also fits depression’s MO, that people he loves will be hurt bc of him. and a lot of people, myself included, lash out in anger when deeply upset, whether they are truthfully angry.

he is the problem. he is always the problem, in his mind. is that self centered? maybe. but it is a common thought and it often comes from a place of deep self loathing, not exaggerated self importance. he keeps people away bc if he gets involved with them, they get hurt; and this is only proved time and time again & he’s allowed to internalize that. which eventually ruins his family (ahem jokes about bad dad jotaro are not funny, they never have been, thank you and moving on.) and sometimes i wish he had the chance to cope with his shit and [cries]

3. it makes you apathetic and empty people also think jotaro is emotionless which honestly? maybe that could be the case. depression is very consistent (otherwise it’s usually something else, like a form of bipolar). for some people, myself included, the feeling they feel consistently is apathy or emptiness. instead of ‘neutral’ you just feel... void of anything at all. i would describe it as a cloud hanging over your entire life. sometimes it rains, sometimes it pours. but the cloud is always there. his apathy seems to be the main reason people hate him and it’s one of those things that i just cannot imagine the other side on, you know? it’s such a part of my own life.... i never realized people thought that was ‘unrealistic’.

there are many moments when you can feel happy, joyful, or peaceful; they are just few and far between. even though i am depressed, i have things that make me very happy. sure it’s one thing, but it’s a thing! for jotaro, that seems to be marine biology and family. although araki has some weird obsession with family being super important we will pretend that family is important to jotaro, not araki. anyways. these arent reasons to say he isnt depressed, bc there are some of the few things he seems to love. there are also ups and downs to your mood, as is there is for someone without any mental health issues.

4. it can accompany trauma and psychological issues jotaro grew up with a dad who was, as far as we can guess, never home. a dad so absent that joseph hated him and you know what joke im about to make there. yes im aware it’s also bc he ‘took his daughter away’ bc joseph was born when women were property and racism was super cool hashtag vintage but it is likely deeper than that for reasons that this post isnt about.

but.

sadao was an absent father and put work first and i can tell you from experience that destroys your self esteem as a child. you feel unimportant. you feel like you don’t come first to your parent. it certainly does not make for a happy childhood and any psychologist will scream at u that childhood is absolutely key in developing ur brain. theres also the fact that jotaro 100% got bullied for ‘not having a dad’ bc it was the 1980s and actually nvm that still happens haha hashtag vintage.

besides being depressed, this is also the example of a father that jotaro had growing up (ppl like to act like joseph lived w them lol no joseph was also a distant father figure, if one at all), so him being away from his family all the time? he probably didnt give it a second thought. beyond the fact that the subconscious exists and we dont consciously decide everything we do (which jojo fans in particular are super bewildered by idk what it is with yall), jotaro is also the type of person to avoid pondering his own personal problems.

so anyways........

i am done raving.

daddy issues aren’t a fucking joke i will fist fight you Right Now.

i love jotaro kujo.

thank u mr araki for making him.

goodnight

[bipolarandocd]

Here I have wrote an insight on my own experience with obsessions and OCD

I once was told by my therapist that you can be addicted to anything such as drugs,alcohol,ciggerettes and believe it or not sex!

In the past years i have had many different obsessions/addictions that i didnt know how to control and i didnt realise i was addicted to certain things including becomming obsessed with one hobby then losing intrested after a certain time and then another different hobby comes along and i obsess about that.

When i have this main addiction at the time, i can not stop thinking of the subject. for example i suddenly had high intrest in baking cupcakes! i hate cooking and i never thought id become intrested in baking cakes at all. I researched from how to bake to what ingrediants i needed and apliances to be able to bake. everytime i was googling and researching and watching youtube videos on baking cakes i was feeling a high energetic feeling, like i was buzzing and i couldnt stop thinking of what i want to do with this hobby. i was up till late at night losing sleep constantly obsessing over baking cakes. Pay day come and that was it, all my money went on what i needed to buy to bake, and i started to bake for couple weeks and spending money on this intrest without thinking of the consequenses of having to pay bills ect.

I was feeling good i had adrenaline and was happy but the same time if i didnt act on this urge to spend on this hobby and act on it id feel aggitated and restless! i had no control how to stop the urge! i was ADDICTED.

After a little while maybe a month later I lost all intrest in baking! id wasted time and much money on something i no longer had intrest in. the high feeling the buzz and adrenaline had gone.

Another day comes and again another addiction/obsession comes along!

this time its art and crafts, im definatly not creative and never had intrest before but once again this pattern like the baking comes along and the high feeling buzzing and adrenaline is back for the arts and crafts, money wasted and time because again after a while the intrest goes.

Iv had many obsessions such as joing the gym, learning to play piano and then guitar. wanting to become a councillor/mentor even studyed at home and passed the course for councilling yet again after time i didnt want to become this!

Items iv also obsessed about and had strong intense urges to buy whatever it was i had to buy to keep the feeling i had inside to make me feel good. its like a drug, something i obsess about was keeping me high and excited and i had to act on this to keep the good feeling.

I was even once addicted to dating sites! i was getting adrenaline from joining up and making profiles to searching people and messaging. i couldnt come off the applications and i could not stop the urge to search the profiles and messages, this took over alot of my time and i didnt understand why this was happening and why i was feeling a good adrenaline over dating applications. This addiction took a long time for me to stop and realise it was the longest obsession i had. i still dont understand how this become an addiction.

I now somehow understand how people who are gambelers feel and have no control how to fight the urge to not step foot in the bookies.

When you dont act on the compulsion towards the obsession then your going to feel awful, aggitated, restless, angry and feel your going to lose your mind. its all you think about, theres nothing else you want to do and its impossible to concerntrate on anything else other than wanting to go into the bookies and gamble! its not just the feeling you believe you will win, its the feelings of adrenaline and intense high feelings of happy and excitement from walking thru that door to placing the bet and waiting for the outcome, but when you lose of course you are down, you lose money and are overwhelmed with guilt! the same feelings i get when i dont act on something i obsess over or addicted to.

Paranoia become a problem for me and its an uncontrollable and disturbing thought I have that is intrusive and I know I wont act on this thought but the feeling I get is intense and impossible to stop the thought and I start to avoid doing things to stop being scared. Standing at the train station waiting for my train to arrive and I see ahead its arriving and my mind instantly pictures myself jumping in front of this train and I'm confused and petrified of this thought and scared but also distressed because I know I wont act on this and I'm scared to look at the train coming towards me so I look away until its stopped! have a fear of sleeping because if I do I believe someone will come into my home to come upstairs to my bedroom and attack me, the longer my eyes are closed my mind visions someone getting closer and closer to me, once I open my eyes this vision is gone and I'm safe.

I have a son aged 14 also with ocd and paranoia and his feeling controlled by his thoughts to do actions he never did before. At at young age around 4years old he would ask for help to put his shoes on and I'd attend and grab the right shoe to put on for him and in a sudden moment he would scream, beg and beg for me to put the left shoe on first, I never understood why. I'd ask why and what's wrong and ask him to calm down because he was extremely aggitated and stressed but, once I changed the right shoe for the left his response stopped and was calm and I could see the change how relaxed he was. This went on for months and I thought 1st he was just trying to control me and want to get attention when in fact he didnt have control of himself for this and it was a behaviour from his OCD that took me a while to realise!. After maybe one year this shoe problem having to be the left put on first stopped but, then come another pattern and thought in his mind that again took over not just him but took me in too.

Night time was bedtime story, we sit together in my sons bed and I'd open the first page and start to read aloud to him. A few pages in I'd start to read the page for my son to suddenly become very aggressive and tell me to read that sentence again because it's wrong, I re read the sentence in the same tone I did before. Again with aggression and crying he beg me to repeat and said it's wrong how I said it. After having this problem many times eventually i said the sentence in a way that calmed him down and made him relax and i could continue the book. It wasnt until after researching and seeing his doctors this was all OCD behaviour in which if I didnt say the sentence in a certain tone then he would feel uncomfortable and have to force me to re read it for him to feel safe!. Never did I think this would be an OCD problem but it was. Night time bedtime stories was very difficult for us.

After sometime this OCD pattern with my son vanished but, another appeared. Once I tuck my son to bed and kiss him good night I would walk away but then he would suddenly shout to me to touch the top of his duvet! Now bare in mind on this time I thought OCD was about cleaning hands or things in order so when I'm having all these orders from a 4 or 5 year old this is looking like he wants control over me and to do what he wants and if I dont do it he will go crazy!

To keep him from being angry and crying fter refusing to do what I'm ordered to, I'd do what he wanted so I'd turn back towards him in bed and i would do what he ordered to tap the top of his duvet. Would you believe just by doing this demand he stopped suddenly crying and being angry to being able to lay down and relax.

Can you see here theres a pattern of not just my son being distressed but I am too because I didnt know what this was about and I'm told by others his trying to control me but as a mum I had something telling me it's something more but what?!

Il never forget the time my son would arrive in the evenings from being with his dad the weekend friday to sunday. Around 7pm sunday evenings every week my son would arrive back home in his dads car straight to the front door.

I'd hear the car arrive and I'd open my house front door before my son got out the car. Well this started to become a problem for my son because he wanted to knock on the door before I opened it! Why? I asked him and my son couldn't explain the reason but again become angry, hitting me, shouting, crying and begging me to shut the front door and let him knock. In this time I refuse to feel controlled and said "no". But there was no calming my child at all. He was going red in the face, shaking, and very very aggitated. What else can I do but to now let him take control and I now close the door and let him knock first and I open the door after? Can you see the controll this OCD had not just over my son but now I'm involved and controlled by it.

Either way I had no choice but to re do the task by closing the door and letting him knock for me to then open again. Instantly he again was calm and able to walk into the home! Again I'm shocked how quickly just doing that demand would make him change so fast and change.

Now by my own experience and understanding through research too after many years and I had little knowledge of OCD but these behaviours from myself and my son wasnt what I expected and have learnt that this was OCD.

We see the behaviour first and our compulsion to act on what we feel at the time of what our thoughts are telling us and having to have no control over this and noone to understand what was going on inside our minds but, noone knows or understands the feelings what we have and the intense anger inside ourselves and as much was keeping our attention and distract us from other things to have no choice but to act on this feeling and do the compulsive behaviour to make one feel safe and secure and comfortable in ourselves.

Not only was my son being controlled but so was I

OCD has come to us both in diffrent forms and mostly in times of stress or anxiety. Also it manages to change from one obsession to another. And the compulsions change .

[pskills95]

My experience being in a Toxic/Emotionally Abusive Relationship

To everyone reading this or who comes across this post... I wanted to touch up on this story and share it to you all in the hopes that any male or female who is or has experienced this knows that they aren’t alone and there is always help available and someone to talk to,and you should never feel afraid to walk away from a situation that feels wrong and doesn’t make you happy. I know I felt afraid to even open up about this but this is what I went through and I am stronger than I have ever been. I was a victim of a toxic relationship that involved many forms of emotional abuse which lasted for about half a year. I don’t want to bash this person and say that he’s evil because I genuinely think he needs to work on himself, however, he did cause me a lot of emotional trauma and made me feel like I couldn’t walk away. The manner in which he protrayed his love for me involved a lot of emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping in order to control me. I know a lot of this behaviour stemmed from his intense amount of low self esteem and insecurity. I cared about this individual so much and I stuck through this because I thought I could help change his insecurities, but in the end I could not. He was always seeking for validation throughout the entirety of the relationship and asked if we were okay and if I had loved him, (questions of those sorts). He would constantly put himself down and call himself ugly and praised me instead while I had to reassure him that he was fine the way he was. This was a very obvious sign of insecurity and a red flag that I knew wasn’t right. He also was a very jealous person who got upset at any kind of attention that I got from males which could have been positive or negative, he made it seem like no one else deserved to have my attention except for him. He hated the fact that I hugged my friends who were males or gave them a harmless touch on their shoulder...there were fights that stemmed from this and ignited his insecurity about himself even more. It just seemed like I couldn’t have males as friends despite the ones I had been close to for numerous amounts of years. I felt like I was being controlled and to stay away from these men who I genuinely had good friendships with. He always made me feel bad because he would say things like “you’re the only girl i look at, I don’t even bat an eye at anyone else”. I understand that having friendships with the opposite sex can be troublesome but if you know your boundaries and limits, there is no reason why your partner can’t trust you. I came across this problem many times and it just got to the point where I stopped telling him which friends I was hanging out with. He always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t by his side and it was always overwhelming and too much for me to handle. Constantly getting upset if I didnt text him back right away, or if I ignored his phone calls. He did not understand space and how to leave me alone. It was very obsessive and almost a burden for me to even want to speak to him. He would get upset if I didn’t reply back to a snapchat or if I posted things on my story without responding to him first; basically just getting angry at things that were not a big issue. If I didn’t text him goodmorning or goodnight it was always a problem and was brought up in such a passive aggressive behaviour. If there was things I told my friends that I didn’t tell him, it was always a problem, he always wanted to know everything first and would feel so offended when I did not confide in him. I didn’t understand why he put this on me to always tell him all the details about my personal life. We all have things we tell only our closest friends and not our significant other. I couldn’t be myself at all and felt so much restriction all the time. It got to the point where he went through my phone once behind my back without my knowledge and read all my messages looking for a reason to start fights with me and make matters worse when I had done nothing wrong. He did not respect my privacy at all and I couldn’t leave my phone around him anymore and had to change my passwords. I felt so violated and mistrusted due to his own insecurities. When we got into fights, they were never just fights that a normal couple has, I always had to apologize for my behaviour, even when I knew that I didn’t have to. When I knew I was wrong, I would admit to them and apologize sincerely. However, there were times when his insecurities about me made him so angry to the point where he blamed me for how he’s acting and said things like “If you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t be acting this way”, basically pushing all the blame on me instead of recognizing that his behaviour could be controlled. There was an incident that I could never forget where I was sitting in his passenger seat as he sat there yelling at me on the top of his lungs, bashing things in his car including his steering wheel and throwing things while looking me dead in the eyes with so much anger and hatred making me feel so small and belittled. At one point I feared that maybe I might get hit in the face or even worse...I never saw someone act this way to me before in my entire life and it triggered one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced, and this wasn’t the first time he did this to me. Even though he apologized for those actions and said he could never lay a finger on me, I always had that fear in the back of my mind and that situation scarred me mentally. His anger was something that I was genuinely afriad of and wanted to stay away from. I did everything I could to avoid that side of him because it was ugly. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and I made mistakes but they were always thrown back into my face over and over again. He would never let things go or live it down. Constantly bringing up people from my past, bringing up relationships, mistakes I’ve made and making me feel terrible and bringing down my own self esteem. He would make these sarcastic jokes about things he knew would trigger a response and sometimes even start a fight which would obviously become my fault. I was getting sick and tired of hearing these comments and he never understood how much they hurt me. No one wants to hear things get thrown back at their face to make them feel like shit. He had an extremely bad habit of pointing out all the things he did for me and that if I left this relationship there wouldn’t be anyone else who would treat me the same way. He made this very clear and would always say things like “look at all the things I’ve done for you, I’ve gone to great lengths to make you happy and this is what you do”. The emotional blackmailing always happened in this manner and I always felt guilty. He used his emotions and his “love” for me as a way to manipulate me into staying and sticking around. I always felt like I was the bad person because I felt I had done nothing right and that I couldn’t make him happy no matter what I did. I was always in a constant battle with myself about leaving this relationship or staying, and I didn’t have the heart to walk away because that is exactly what he wanted from me. He would tell me time and time again that I was the reason for his happiness and that I gave him purpose to live. Again this was a red flag that I should have spotted sooner because at the end of the day, true happiness comes from within yourself and your partner should not be the sole reason for that. He had told me to my face that I made up more than 80% of his happiness and he didn’t know what the other percentage was. This was pure manipulation and selfishness because he was putting the burden on me as a person to stick around because I was the reason he smiled. I had this responsibility to stay otherwise things would go sideways, and this was emotional blackmailing at it’s finest. At the end of the day, my feelings were never accounted for or taken into consideration. He would turn down my emotions and would tell me that I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind or that this isn’t how I really feel and I should take time to think about things. When in reality, I knew exactly how I felt in that moment but it never matterd to him, because he wanted to be in control of the situations that happened. He controlled my behaviours in ways I didn’t think were possible. He always gave me lectures and treated me like I was some child who didn’t know what they were doing. The decisions I made for myself personally for some reason affected him so much and would talk down about not only what I did in my free time but also my friends. He would tell me that my friends don’t do anything for me and that they’re bad influences and that he was the only good person in my life who looks after me and means well. He never met my family and friends and had the audacity to tell me who I should be hanging out with and who I shouldn’t and why these people are bad for me. I just never understood why my life choices affected him so badly when it had nothing to do with him. It angered me that he didn’t let me be with my friends without getting lectures. He blamed my friends when we got into fights as well which didn’t make sense because they also had nothing to do with it, I am my own person and can make these choices for myself about what I want to discuss and what I don’t. Alongside him having problems with my friends, he always made it his job to remind me how much he puts me above everyone else and that he makes me his number one priority. And to be very clear, I never asked him to treat me like his number one, I never asked him to do anything for me other than treat me with respect (but again this would come back and bite me in the ass). You shouldn’t have to make your partner a priority until things get super serious and ya’ll are planning on getting married, that’s when things get down to real priorities. My priorities were different than his. I have a good social life and like to spend my time with family and friends as much as I can, or just stay at home to relax for some peace and clarity. He never wanted to make time to go see his friends because all he wanted to do was hangout with me and when I wanted to hang out with my friends it was ALWAYS a problem and this caused multiple fights in the duration of this relationship. It’s almost as if he was trying to get me to himself so that no one else could have time for me. I started to despise this about him because there were times that I picked him over my family and friends when I didn’t have to. He always made me feel guilty that I didn’t spend enough time with him. I saw him quite frequently throughout the week and sometimes that was more than enough for me but it was never enough for him. It wasn’t enough for him to see me only once or twice a week. It was always this constant neediness of him wanting to be around me and spending time. I know couples who have been together for years and don’t spend that amount of time like I was being forced to. It was this type of controlling behaviour that I was not okay with. Overtime my love and affection started to go away because of all the incidents that kept occuring to me, I felt like I had no way out and that I would be trapped in this relationship forever. I just didn’t know what to do. Everytime we fought, he used his emotions and these tactics to reassure me that everything would be okay and that we wouldn’t have these fights again...and I believed him all the time. He had this habit of gifting me items, taking me out or just showing overly amounts of affection as a means of making up for the fights that we had. Spending excessive money that I never wanted him to fully knowing what his financial situation was, he would go above and beyond to try and impress me to make me “happy”. Also a red flag because he was buying my happiness in a way with materialistc things in the hopes that I would stick around and stay in this relationship. His efforts were not genuine because like I’ve said before they were always used against me. Anytime we went out, I always offered to pay because I didn’t feel right having him pay. He would refuse to let me pay and would get upset if I even tried, I only got away with paying a few times and I had to force those payments. I didn’t feel equal in this relationship and it wasn’t fair to me at all because I knew him spending this money was going to be a reason why I shouldn’t leave because he does “nice things”. I always felt like I was not in the position to fight back and always gave into what he said and his demands and to continue to give him more chances over and over again. I knew that I shouldn’t have but I still did. It’s hard to walk away when you care, I learned this the hard way and wish I stood up for myself sooner. The emotional blackmailing got worse when threats started coming into the picture. He would make sly comments about making my life miserable if things went sour and he would make it hard for me to go about my days. He also threatened me with his own life multiple times and specifically said that if I was no longer in his life that there was no reason for him to even live anymore. He would always make threats about how he would hurt himself as a means of making me responsible for his actions. This was one of the worst ways he manipulated me with his emotions and I felt like I had no choice but to stay. Do you know what it feels like when someone threatens suicide? I was too afriad to walk away because I couldn’t imagine...”what if?”. I never ever wanted to be responsible for someone’s death, but ultimately these threats made me realize that he needs help because he relied on me as his happiness too much. He lacked so much self love and self esteem that he was seeking that from me. I couldn’t be responsible for any of it anymore. I knew he had a lot of growing up to do and that if he wasn’t capable of loving himself and being happy with himself, how could he be happy with another person. I had been nothing but honest about how I felt about the relationship and that my feelings were just not the same anymore. The person I had become wasn’t the version that I had liked and all my close friends had seen that positive person change. I wanted to work on myself and just be alone to focus on getting better and to heal. I no longer wanted to feel controlled, I no longer wanted to feel trapped, I was not happy anymore and I wanted out. I finally gave myself freedom and couldn’t have been happier. Even though my side of the story hasn’t been told to everyone until now, and although I might get backlash for coming out with this, I know what my truth is and I know what I experienced within this time. I would never lie about something as serious as this and I couldn’t imagine someone else doing the same. I just hope that with time there is betterment and healing for everyone. Abuse isn’t something that is just physical but also emotional, I didn’t go into details about everything because I could have....but these were some of the things I felt were important enough to disclose and talk about because I know I’m not the only person who has gone through these toxic behaviours. No one deserves to go through it and everyone deserves a voice to be heard and listened to. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out and to actually read this and maybe understand me better. Much love and appreciation all around, god bless❤️

[ithisatanytime]

To be honest im very glad she loves her boyfriend so much, initially i asked about her relationship status and she said it was open, and was very firm about that fact, emphasizing it to the point that it was the only thing leading me to believe she was at all receptive to my advances, of course thats not enough because i was so forward, and i knew she just likely wasnt that into me. but today when i pressed the issue, as i am a horny man and frankly im in a damn hurry, she changed her tune, now he was her soul mate. and you know what nothing could have made me happier. my last serious girlfriend was in a committed relationship but it was on the rocks, in part do to her going off her birth control (i was high test compared to her boyfriend, he had better musculature but prenatal test exposure was lower in the womb as evident by me being 6′2 and having masculinized bone structure in comparison to his.) and losing all attraction to him, also i kind of fucked their shit up by randomly confessing my feelings for her, we had known each other for close to ten years at that point, but i never made my feelings known because she was so fucking hot to me i just never thought of her as a possibility quite frankly, i was fucking SHOCKED to find out she felt exactly the same. this same exact scenario played out for me when i was a young man and i literally forced my girlfriend to go on hormonal birth control, the hormones in birth control literally trick your body into thinking that your pregnant, and pregnant women have different taste in men, they are looking for a provider obviously, their behavior changes dramatically, in part because they lose interest in higher testosterone but good physical genetics mates as they need someone to be their when they raise their baby, typically (naturally) this only lasts for 9 months than the baby comes, if the man who fathered the child is able to weather the emotional shit storm, he will stick with you through anything, and is thus a good potential provider for your offspring, the opposite is true if they met you while on hormonal birth control, as they value you for your provider traits and when they go off the bc their body thinks they are no longer pregnant, hence her looking for a big strong bull (me) too impregnate her.

    she knew this indian guy since they were children, it was fucking obvious they were meant to be together, i hated being responsible for the heartbreak i caused BOTH of them. dude still wanted to be with her after she kicked him out of her life to fuck some drug addicted retard (me) but  heres the thing i am not talking shit about her, they literally cant fucking help it, we are slaves to our hormones. i was very pleased to find out that she was hesitant to go on birth control as it “makes her crazy” i was so glad she brought it up and felt that way, as imagine going over this shit with a potential girlfriend, imagine how well thats going to go over! i have been familiar with hormonal BC’s effects on womens sexual preferences and ability to pair bond since i watched a documentary on the discovery channel about sex with i was 13, i was trying to masturbate, but i learned a lot instead, despite how crazy this sounds, all of this is accepted science and new papers get released about it every couple of years or so, its fucking insane that women arent made aware of this common side effect of birth control, so imagine how fucking conflicted i felt when she was adamant about getting back on birth control, i was 99 percent sure she would fall out of love with me, and at the time , it was insane to me how much she clearly loved me, she promised shed get off birth control as soon as i asked, i pleaded with her, saying that by the time she was on bc for even a couple weeks shed no longer love me or give a fucking shit what i had to say anymore, which seemed RIDICULOUS at the time, but she promised shed go off it as soon as i asked, i knew that would not be the case. within literal days after getting the hormonal IUD put in, she stopped looking at me the same, we started fighting all the time, it was horrible to see, especially for the second time, all men know what i am talking about, when that lok disappears, and of course she didnt get it taken out when i asked, and of course the fighting got worse and worse, who the fuck could stand living with me without loving me, suddenly all the bad shit about me (no job prospects, bad provider) that she had already been aware of for years became an issue, blah blah blah, it wasnt her fault, imagine being forced to live iwth someone who you didnt love, who loved you and stil wanted to fuck you. and of course as the fighting got worse and she slept on the couch, i could no longer sleep, i became obsessively jealous (mate retention strategy caused by testosterone masculinizing the brain) i knew she wasnt cheating on me, there was literally no way, but my guts were twisting and churning every single day, my behavior became increasingly erratic (men behave irrationally as well, in their own way) it all came to a head, after a solid month of the cold shoulder, i had finally landed a job interview to be a car salesmen (i built up a relationship with the neighbor i smoked iwth, and he landed me the job) but the  day before i was set to be interviewed we had a massive fight which i started, because i tried to reason with her (in love men and women arent governed by reason) that she had been giving me the silent treatment for a month and i had been on my best behavior, which i had been, buying her gifts and flowers with the profit sharing check i got from my old job, but she started grabbing her stuff to leave, she wouldnt tell me where she was going and in my irrational state i was sure she was going to fuck an entire football team, an unbelievably searingly painful thought for a man, women literally cant comprehend this as they dont experience jealousy in the same way men do. so i slammed out of the house first into the streets of new york city, huffing and puffing trying to to cry as i pushed past the crowded streets, it was like 4 pm in the middle of queens. i found a bar and sat at the center of the bar, it was pretty empty when i walked in since it was like four o clock in the afternoon. i had 300 hundred dollars in my pocket and i spent it all that very night on beers and shots and whiskey sours, i had never gone to a bar of my own volition before and can count on one hand the amount of times id set foot in a bar, but i had been drinking more than i ever had in my life. the pain of jealousy and losing someone that i sincerely loved, and intended to marry was so intense that i started drinking and basically didnt stop until we were separated (havent really touched the stuff since, i dont really like alcohol) but i was losing the girl i loved, she was supposed to be my wife. i drank like there was no fucking tomorrow, just waiting for her to call me, which she did, but there was no love in her voice, no news on where she was, or who she was with (her girlfriends, studying for an exam) so i hung up and went back to drinking, my bartender was a young women, who may have been pretty i was not paying attention, so much so that when she finished her shift and left the bar, and a young woman sat next to me at the bar and tried to talk to me, she grew angry with me that i didnt realize it was the same bartender, who had been serving me drinks all night, she left in a huff, soon i felt people pressing up against my back as i finished my 20th drink of the day, i was way past my limit, but i was about to lose the girl i loved and become homeless on the streets of new york in my mind, she would never have done that to me, but my “home” had evaporated as soon as i left to new york, and after i lost my job delivering refrigerators he made it pretty clear he didnt want me around. he was not my real dad after all, just another of my mothers boyfriends, its not the same as a biological dad, for as good as he was and as much as he did for me, i was becoming too much, i cant describe the fear of the streets for someone who spent their lives homeless or near homeless is like, its always there. so i drank that way as the NYC bar grew very crowded and noisey, i had picked the hottest socail spot in the city to drown my sorrows,. i would drink until i couldnt feel the pain anymore, go home, puke my guts out, not remember anything and then regroup in the morning after she got home from her boyfriends house, thats a problem for tomorrow me. i was just waiting for her to call me and maybe show me some sign of warmth, some sign of the person i fell in love with. she did call me in fact, i was too drunk and the bar was too loud for me to hear it, i got up to take a piss and only then realized how crowded the bar actually was, people were dancing behind me the whole time and i didnt even realize it, it was packed from wall to wall, as i got up to take my piss, my last five fell out of my pocket onto the ground and i nearly fell over trying ot pick it up, plus the last shot i took i just spilled down my shirt sleeve, it was time to go home. i drunkenly stumbled towards the door the bar was so packed i literally had to raise my arms into the air (this detail will be important for later) as i made my way towards the exit suddenly she appeared in the doorway, i cannot describe to you my relief in this moment, how did she even find me? it was the last clear memory i have from that night, the only other memory i have is foggy, me drunkenly bragging that i could have beat up every dude in the bar and girls were totally trying to fuck me (see? im valuable) as she drove me home, the rest of that night is completely lost to me, i found myself suddenly in our bed, in the morning, i felt more hungover than i had ever been in my life by a factor of ten, i was shaking uncontrollably still half drunk and frightened (if youve never blacked completely out before you cant know what thats like) she informed me that i had pushed her, i was horrified, how could this have happened, and what more could i have been capable of, i didnt have time to process that however as her dad was on his way over from upstate new york, in my half drunk and frightened mind i knew he was coming to fight me, i went into fight or flgiht mode *if your dead comes here i wil lfuck him up!” even i couldnt believe i said that , her father was an unbelievably kind and gentle man, but i was frightened, i was gonna be homeless on the streets of new york, a forgotten man who fell through the cracks in the safety net, and worse i deserved it, my sense of self was shattered, how could i have pushed her? she made the right decision in having her father turn around, and head back to upsate new york. i cried like a fucking baby, how could i have done this? my father was a drunk who beat the shit out of my mother, and i remembered it vividly. i sobbed and sobbed, i had been doing a lot of that, i loved her from the beginning and worse, she had loved me too. i had no way of contextualizing it either, for me it was as if someone had woken me up to inform me that in my sleep i had punched a child, think about that, how do you process it? i had prided myself in never putting my hands on a woman unless she asked first (thats its own story that i will never fucking tell)  i ddint even remember it, like at all, i ddint even remember us fighting, apparently i was barfing and doing somersaults of the bed and shit, as you do when you are blackout drunk. and she had never drank a drop of alcohol or smoked a single weed in her life, she must have been absolutely terrified. i wanted to die, it was over for good. we had made up in a sense, as the reality of the situation set in, we only ever held each other on the first and last night i was in newyork, and both times, you wont believe this but i have to say it because it was so strange, we cuddled face to face while her two cats cuddled each other inbetween us, only the first and last night.

  part of why it was so hard for me, was because i knew i would miss her bitterly for the rest of my life, literally every day until i died, i knew from experience, and she woudl be really upset for a few months maybe and then never think about me again. my only hope was that she got back together with tha tindian boy she grew up with, he fucking cried outside of their apartment, and stil  asked about her when she left him for me, this tore me up, as id been on the other end of that, he loved her better than i did, they were meant to be married but hormonal fucker and jewish sabotage has a combined effect of just fucking women right up, men too but i feel worse for the women. if you fuck a guy you should just stay with them honestly, you will be much happier long term. this started out as one thing, and then turned into something different, as i had been meaning to tell that story for years now. i know it seems like a lot of self pity and to be fair theres a lot of remorse too even to this day, i barely touched a drop of alcohol in the years since, and occasionally it will hit me like a ton of bricks out of the blue and i will excuse myself into my room to cry into the macaroni and cheese i was eating.

[vitos-ordination-song]

i look back on horror at who i was as a child a lot bc it was bad and i did bad things. but just now i felt kind of fond of little me and proud. bc i did survive and i was smart. 

i got sparked thinking about this bc i was thinking back to being really little. really little, potty training and earliest memories. i was so motivated to be perfect and actually i was good at getting approval. it’s sad bc thats what shaped the bad part of me. at this deep level i learned i did not want to be punished or disapproved of and so i tried to distance myself from my brothers who were punished and compared negatively to me. 

it’s weird bc for so long i felt shame about this. when i was in high school i apologized to my brothers in tears bc theyd often been resentful of me when we were young and i felt guilty for being the baby who got away with things while they were punished. from like age 2 to age maybe 10 i had a p bad superiority complex borne out of this and i just felt like a bad person for it for a long time. plus i didnt fully break out of the mindset til i let go of inferiority/superiority. 

i do see that i was just a child but thats kinda the part that feels like a horror movie. if i think of it being a child who was in situations i was and doing things i did, it feels horrifying. so most of my thinking back on being a kid are kinda disturbing. 

but im kinda getting back in touch w the part of myself i love for the past few years. and you know i survived for a reason. bc i love life and there are parts of me that are strong. what i was thinking about that started all of this was the kind of two-sided split nature of my childhood. what actual form did it take. 

i was absolutely obsessive about adult approval. to a degree that was v annoying to other kids but worked. i didnt necessarily SHOW that i was obsessed w it and i dont think i was even thinking consciously about it. a lot of my memories go in this vein. like i was good at memorizing bc that was asked of me. i could intense laser focus on things and memorize them. i remember frantically memorizing Bible verses at age 5 to win the Bible verse memorizing competition which the adults put on.

all of my strengths i had to be best in and all of my weaknesses were sources of shame i tried to improve on. i took very seriously morality as it was taught to me and made a great show of following it. i was often what you could consider teachers pet and basked in any positive reinforcement thrown my way. 

i was addicted to avoiding punishment and seeking reward. it was a response to my highly behaviorist, authoritarian upbringing. my emotional state in relationship with adults could vary wildly depending on how they treated me. i had a teacher in fourth grade who seemed to dislike and undermine me, like she wanted to break me, and i internalized my idea of her to help shape myself into someone who she would like. and it mostly worked. 

the intensity of my ability to do stuff like this cannot be understated. i learned to totally supress my sensory problems because they made adults annoyed with me and might lead to punishment (also i had to learn to deal with them alone because i had no help). i learned how to present a certain type of acceptable personality. 

i should note that i learned to do this first because of my parents. i learned later, but very young, that i had been easy to potty train. i was often praised both for being intelligent but especially for being “easy” and obidient. the perfect child. as compared to my brothers who wet the bed and had to be punished for it. ive thought for a while that the reason i was so obsessed with being perfect in school is that my mother homeschooled me and my brother for kintergarden. she screamed at him for being stupid. never me. 

being better was being safe. so i became this person who had to follow all the rules and be best at everything and i always wanted to be assured that i had earned love by my behavior. 

but the oddest thing about this is that i was a totally anti-authority, rebellious, and single-minded child. this is how the split in my personality manifested when i was little. any time i sensed any kind of unfairness i was livid. i undermined authority figures behind their backs with other kids. i got around rules however i could. 

the thing was, i think, even when i was very little, was that i knew it was arbitrary. the authority my parents wielded over me and my siblings was incomprehensible. i couldnt follow it. i just knew that they were in charge so they could do what they wanted. they were inconsistent in their punishments and rewards. sometimes they punished you for nothing and sometimes you got away with doing something actually bad. they weren’t fair. they just made it up as they went along. 

i wanted to do what i wanted to do and really i felt no attachment to their judgment on it--at least this side of me didnt. and it goes back just as far, maybe farther, than the feeling of superiority or desire for approval. i think that came more as i became afraid of punishment. 

i have very young memories of defying my parents authority. i just wanted to get away with it. and i almost always did. 

it’s funny because my entire family has always judged me for that but now i look back with some admiration. i mean i was obsessing with how to get away with things in my youngest memories, like age 3. all throughout my childhood i broke the rules to do what i wanted. 

when i was thinking earlier, what came to me was that i always acted to get approval so that i could get away with things and do what i really wanted to do. my main occupation as a child was reading. i was approved of for it. i read so much! i was such a smart little girl! and i could get away with spending all my time away from people in another world, the world of my books. i was quiet and out of the way so i was a good child. and that was one of the main sources of happiness in my childhood, reading, escaping, learning, being somewhere else. 

i waged a warfare against authority quietly. i learned to give them what they want and then do whatever i wanted when they looked away. i did it all the time. the side of me that wanted approval and the one that wanted freedom were somewhat dissociated so i didnt even fully realize i was doing it. 

i think what caused a lot of the change was falling from grace. in my own eyes, in my projected, perceived vision of God, and in the eyes of adults. it happened around age 10 and 11. i went from a very high to very low opinion of myself quickly. i think some of it was having a teacher who simply did not and would not like me, who wanted me to be smaller. she didnt like that i was disorganized and said i had terrible handwriting. she wasnt cruel but she wanted to destroy me for my own good. she constantly put me down and made me a subject of ridicule in class. 

i was also thinking more about Christian morality. the more i learned about God and heard about sin the more i felt i was a sinner. i felt bare and stripped naked, disgusting before God. 

i had humbling experience after humbling experience--internally as i reflected on my behavior and externally though rejection by peers, failure in school, and adult disapproval. it wasnt possible for me to feel approved of, perfect anymore. i could only be bad. 

i kept going further and further with this until i was reborn and rejected all of it. i stopped being Christian and rejected God’s authority. Christianity was the only worldview i had ever been allowed to imagine. once i stopped believing in it i was separate from every person around me. i could not, as a human being, have anyone’s approval. 

i wasnt the golden child at school or at home any more. i started getting in trouble in ways i never would have before because i was more defiant openly. a teacher took my kindle from me in 8th grade and i was punished for stealing it back. i had used to never talk back to my parents but i started to. i was angry. the dynamics in my family shifted and sometimes i was the scapegoat, sometimes i was the one being screamed at, punished, hit the most. me and my siblings played hot potato for it. golden child shifted around too. but i would never be the favorite again. by the time my parents went back to fawning on me, when i was a successful college student, i had no taste for it. 

starting around age 13. i had to become my own internal source of approval, authority, and being. i started to parent myself. i developed an internal parent who nurtured me and i sought out a lot of media about good and loving parents. i cried alone all the time but when i was calming down, i would stroke my own hair and talk to myself. i thought for myself and made up my mind about things. i had my own internal sense of morality that wasnt based on punishment and rewards. that made me a better person. before i had broken any rule with no guilt. i did not consider right and wrong of the action, only likelihood of punishment or reward. when i was giving myself approval, /i/ had to approve of my actions. 

idk ive just rambled a lot but i guess ive been thinking tonight about how ive reacted to environments and how ive changed myself as a person. i have these moments, shorter periods in my life, where something totally shifts in me. but that doesnt make long term effects just go away. i still worry about approval and punishment. i still punish and reward myself. these things are ground into me. inferiority/superiority too. but i saw through them and i have changed. 

[woodsens]

Where to Find Guest Blogging Opportunities on fireinsidemusic.com

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens tracks that she wrote greater than ten years in the past, the lady who arrived for being acknowledged only as being the piano Trainer offered what, in hindsight, seems like an eerie glimpse of her possess foreseeable future.

Im shifting away right now to a place so far-off, where by nobody is aware my identify, she wrote while in the lyrics of a tune known as Relocating.

When she wrote that music, she was young and vivacious, a piano teacher and freelance songs writer who beloved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Seems, extended walks and every little thing about New York.

On a type of beloved walks, by means of Central Park in the bright sun of a June working day in 1996, a homeless drifter beat her and tried to rape her, leaving her clinging to everyday living. Once the assault, the terms to her track came legitimate. She moved away, away from New York City, away from her previous lifestyle, and all but her closest mates didn't know her identify. To the remainder of the planet, she was — much like the additional famous jogger attacked in Central Park 7 many years before — an nameless symbol of the urban nightmare. She was the piano Trainer.

Now, over the 10th anniversary of your assault, she is celebrating what appears to be her entire recovery from brain trauma. She's 42, married, with a small child. She's Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she or he wants to notify her story, her way.

Her health care provider informed her it will choose 10 years to Recuperate, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I experience my life is redefined by Central Park, she claimed many days in the past, her voice comfortable and hopeful. Just before park; immediately after park. Will there at any time be described as a time After i dont think, Oh, This can be the tenth anniversary, the eleventh anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch home in a very wooded subdivision within a Ny suburb. She sat in a eating home strewn with toys, surrounded by photos of her cherubic, darkish-haired two-year-outdated daughter. A Steinway grand stuffed fifty percent the space, and at one particular point she sat down and played. Her enjoying was forceful, but she seemed embarrassed to Participate in quite a lot of bars, and shrugged, as an alternative to answering, when questioned the title from the piece. She asked that her daughter and her town not be named.

She calls that working day, June four, 1996, the working day Once i was harm.

Hers was the first in a very string of assaults by a similar man on four Women of all ages around 8 days. The final victim, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was crushed to Dying as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing store, and ultimately, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to everyday living in jail.

But the attack over the piano Instructor may be the just one persons look to recollect quite possibly the most. A part of the fascination should do with echoes of your 1989 attack around the Central Park jogger. But In addition it frightened individuals in a means the attack to the jogger did not mainly because its situation had been so mundane.

It didn't happen inside of a distant Portion of the park late at nighttime, but near a favorite playground at three during the afternoon. It might have took place to any one. The tension was heightened with the mystery with the piano lecturers identification.

For 3 times, as police and Physicians attempted to discover who she was, she lay in a coma in her clinic bed, nameless. Her mothers and fathers were on getaway and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Last but not least, one among her learners regarded a law enforcement sketch and was ready to identify her from the healthcare facility by her fingers, since her deal with was swollen further than recognition. The police didn't launch her name.

The very last thing she remembers about June 4, 1996, is supplying a lesson in her studio condominium on West 57th Street, then putting her extended hair in a very ponytail and heading out for the stroll. She doesn't keep in mind the assault, although she has read the accounts with the police and prosecutors.

To me its like a reality I realized and memorized, she claimed. As though I were being a pupil at school researching historical past.

She will not consider the man who did it. I might need been angry for any minute, although not much longer than that, she stated. How could I be indignant at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I guess by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her medical doctor at New York Clinic-Cornell Professional medical Heart, as it was identified in 1996, explained to reporters that she had a ten % potential for survival. Medical professionals had to get rid of her forehead bone, which was later changed, to produce space for her swelling Mind. When her mother made a community attract pray for my daughter, thousands did.

Immediately after eight days, she arrived away from a coma, first within a vegetative state, then within a childlike condition. As she recovered, she slept small and talked continually, at times in gibberish. I was receiving mad at people after they didnt respond to these terms, she mentioned.

Like an Alzheimers individual, she experienced minor brief-term memory and would fail to remember readers the moment they left the place.

More than many months, she needed to relearn tips on how to wander, dress, read and compose. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented every single day to Participate in guitar for her. He encouraged her to play the piano, from the advice of her Actual physical therapists, who believed she could be disappointed by her incapacity to Participate in just how she once had. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets along with her, enjoying the left-hand element though she played the right.

That was my finest therapy, she said.

In August, she moved back again property to New Jersey, together with her father, an engineer, and mother, a schoolteacher. She visited aged haunts and called good friends, hoping to restore her shattered memory. I was incredibly obsessive about remembering, she reported. Any memory reduction was to me a sign of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists considered her development was fantastic, but her two sisters protested that she wasn't the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she experienced dropped the ability to cry, just as if a faucet within her brain had been turned off. One particular evening, 9 months following she was harm, she stayed up late to observe the John Grisham Motion picture A Time to Eliminate. Just immediately after her father had long gone to mattress, she watched a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on trial for killing two Adult males who experienced raped his young daughter.

The faucet opened, along with the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought about my mom and dad, my father, and the things they went by means of, she mentioned. Minimal by very little, my experience returned, my depth of mind returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back to high school and acquired a masters diploma in new music education.

Not everything went effectively. She and Mr. Scherr break up up 5 years after the attack, though they remain good friends. She dated other Adult males, but she often informed them concerning the attack immediately — she could not support it, she explained — they usually under no circumstances called for a second date.

We've got to search out you anyone, her Good friend David Phelps, a guitar participant, said four many years ago, ahead of introducing her to Liam McCann, a computer technician and newbie drummer. For as soon as, she didn't say just about anything concerning the attack right up until she bought to learn Mr. McCann, after which you can when she did, he admired her energy.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had usually frequented her at her bedside when she was during the healthcare facility, married them in his Situations Square Business. She wore a blue dress and pearls. Whilst she was pregnant, inside a burst of creativeness, she and her pals recorded Even though Have been Youthful, an album of childrens tracks that she had created prior to the attack, including the song Transferring. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, developed the CD. On it, her spouse performs drums and he or she plays electrical piano.

Is her existence as it absolutely was? Not precisely, however she's reluctant to attribute the differences to her injuries. Her final two piano students remaining her, without contacting to explain why, she explained. She has resumed taking part in classical new music, but basic pieces, because her daughter won't give her the perfect time to apply. As for jazz, I dont even check out, she stated.

She wish to push much more, sensation stranded within the suburbs, but she is easily rattled. She tries to be information with keeping dwelling and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a clinical professor of neurological surgical treatment at exactly what is now termed Ny-Presbyterian Medical center/Weill Cornell Health-related Centre, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann after the assault, reported previous week that her level of recovery was scarce. Shes essentially typical, he said.

Other industry experts, that are not Individually knowledgeable about Ms. Kevorkian McCanns case, are more careful.

Regaining a chance to Participate in the piano may perhaps require an Virtually mechanical procedure, a semiautomatic remember of what the fingers have to do, said Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of scientific rehabilitation drugs at Big apple College College of Drugs. As soon as brain-hurt, you are often brain-injured, For the remainder of your life, Dr. Ben-Yishay reported. There isn't a get rid of, There is certainly only intense payment.

The greater telling Element of a Restoration, in his look at, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and youngster as a major victory.

For her aspect, the piano Instructor knows she has adjusted, but she has produced her peace with it. I had been type of a hyper —— I dont know if I used to be a kind A, but I used to be formidable, she states. Why was I so ambitious? I had been a piano Trainer. I dont know what the ambition was about. I actually did return to the person Im designed to be.

[redkiteradio]

7 Trends You May Have Missed About fireinsidemusic

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens music that she wrote greater than a decade in the past, the woman who came being regarded only because the piano Instructor available what, in hindsight, looks like an eerie glimpse of her own long run.

Im relocating away currently to a spot so distant, in which no person is aware my identify, she wrote while in the lyrics of a tune referred to as Relocating.

When she wrote that tune, she was youthful and vivacious, a piano Trainer and freelance audio writer who loved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Seems, extensive walks and every thing about New York.

On a type of beloved walks, by Central Park in the intense sun of a June working day in 1996, a homeless drifter beat her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to daily life. After the attack, the terms to her music arrived real. She moved away, away from New York City, from her previous life, and all but her closest mates didn't know her title. To the rest of the globe, she was — much like the a lot more well-known jogger attacked in Central Park 7 many years previously — an nameless image of the city nightmare. She was the piano Trainer.

Now, to the 10th anniversary of the attack, she's celebrating what appears to be her complete Restoration from brain trauma. She's 42, married, with a small child. She is Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and he or she would like to tell her Tale, her way.

Her health care provider told her it could consider 10 years to Get better, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I really feel my lifetime has actually been redefined by Central Park, she reported many days back, her voice tender and hopeful. Prior to park; just after park. Will there ever be considered a time when I dont Feel, Oh, this is the 10th anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch home within a wooded subdivision in the Ny suburb. She sat inside a dining room strewn with toys, surrounded by photographs of her cherubic, dark-haired two-year-outdated daughter. A Steinway grand crammed 50 % the home, and at one position she sat down and played. Her participating in was forceful, but she seemed embarrassed to Engage in quite a lot of bars, and shrugged, rather than answering, when asked the identify on the piece. She questioned that her daughter and her town not be named.

She phone calls that working day, June four, 1996, the day After i was harm.

Hers was the 1st in the string of attacks by the same guy on 4 Gals above 8 times. The last target, Evelyn Alvarez, sixty five, was beaten to Loss of life as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleaning store, and in the end, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

Still the assault within the piano teacher may be the just one individuals seem to recollect quite possibly the most. Section of the fascination needs to do with echoes of your 1989 attack around the Central Park jogger. But Furthermore, it frightened people in a means the assault to the jogger did not because its instances had been so mundane.

It didn't take place in a very distant Element of the park late during the night, but in close proximity to a well known playground at 3 inside the afternoon. It might have transpired to anyone. The tension was heightened with the thriller on the piano academics identity.

For 3 days, as law enforcement and Medical professionals experimented with to find out who she was, she lay in a very coma in her clinic bed, nameless. Her mothers and fathers had been on family vacation and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. At last, one of her students recognized a police sketch and was capable of determine her in the clinic by her fingers, simply because her facial area was swollen over and above recognition. The law enforcement did not release her identify.

The very last thing she remembers about June 4, 1996, is giving a lesson in her studio apartment on West 57th Avenue, then putting her long hair in a ponytail and heading out to get a stroll. She does not remember the attack, While she has heard the accounts from the police and prosecutors.

To me its like a fact I learned and memorized, she stated. As though I were a college student in school learning record.

She would not think about The person who did it. I might need been angry for the minute, but not much longer than that, she claimed. How could I be offended at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I assume by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her medical professional at The big apple Healthcare facility-Cornell Medical Center, as it was acknowledged in 1996, instructed reporters that she had a ten percent probability of survival. Health professionals experienced to eliminate her forehead bone, which was later changed, to help make place for her swelling brain. When her mother manufactured a community attract pray for my daughter, hundreds did.

Right after 8 days, she came from a coma, very first inside a vegetative state, then inside of a childlike point out. As she recovered, she slept very little and talked continuously, often in gibberish. I was acquiring mad at individuals when they didnt reply to these phrases, she explained.

Like an Alzheimers affected individual, she experienced minimal limited-time period memory and would ignore people as soon as they remaining the home.

Over a number of months, she needed to relearn how to stroll, gown, go through and produce. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented every day to play guitar for her. He encouraged her to Participate in the piano, versus the advice of her Actual physical therapists, who believed she could well be annoyed by her inability to play how she as soon as had. Mr. Scherr played Beatles duets along with her, actively playing the remaining-hand component although she performed the right.

That was my best therapy, she explained.

In August, she moved back again house to New Jersey, together with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She visited aged haunts and referred to as good friends, trying to revive her shattered memory. I used to be pretty obsessed with remembering, she mentioned. Any memory decline was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists assumed her development was wonderful, but her two sisters protested that she wasn't the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had missing the ability to cry, just as if a faucet inside of her Mind had been turned off. One particular evening, 9 months just after she was damage, she stayed up late to look at the John Grisham Motion picture A Time and energy to Get rid of. Just right after her father had gone to mattress, she viewed a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on trial for killing two Adult men who experienced raped his youthful daughter.

The faucet opened, along with the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought about my mothers and fathers, my father, and whatever they went by, she said. Very little by small, my sensation returned, my depth of thoughts returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back again to school and obtained a masters degree in songs education.

Not everything went properly. She and Mr. Scherr break up up 5 years after the assault, while they remain good friends. She dated other Guys, but she generally advised them concerning the attack right away — she couldn't support it, she reported — and they by no means called for just a next day.

We have to discover you someone, her Pal David Phelps, a guitar player, explained 4 yrs back, ahead of introducing her to Liam McCann, a pc technician and novice drummer. For as soon as, she didn't say nearly anything with regards to the assault until she bought to learn Mr. McCann, after which when she did, he admired her power.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had normally visited her at her bedside when she was from the medical center, married them in his Occasions Square Business. She wore a blue dress and pearls. Though she was Expecting, within a burst of creative imagination, she and her good friends recorded Although Had been Young, an album of childrens tracks that she had prepared prior to the assault, such as the track Transferring. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, created the CD. On it, her spouse performs drums and she plays electrical piano.

Is her existence as it absolutely was? Not specifically, though she is reluctant to attribute the dissimilarities to her injuries. Her previous two piano learners remaining her, with no contacting to clarify why, she mentioned. She has resumed playing classical new music, but easy parts, mainly because her daughter isn't going to give her time for you to exercise. As for jazz, I dont even consider, she stated.

She would want to drive more, sensation stranded from the suburbs, but she is definitely rattled. She attempts to be content material with keeping house and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a medical professor of neurological surgical procedure at what on earth is now referred to as New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Clinical Middle, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann once the assault, said last week that her level of recovery was unusual. Shes fundamentally normal, he stated.

Other gurus, who are not personally aware of Ms. Kevorkian McCanns circumstance, are more cautious.

Regaining a chance to Enjoy the piano may well entail an Pretty much mechanical method, a semiautomatic remember of what the fingers should do, claimed Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of clinical rehabilitation drugs at Big apple College Faculty of Drugs. The moment Mind-injured, you will be always Mind-injured, for the rest of your daily life, Dr. Ben-Yishay claimed. There is not any overcome, There's only intensive compensation.

The greater telling part of a Restoration, in his check out, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and youngster as an important victory.

For her portion, the piano teacher appreciates she has modified, but she has manufactured her peace with it. I was type of a hyper —— I dont know if I was a kind A, but I had been ambitious, she states. Why was I so ambitious? I used to be a piano Instructor. I dont know what the ambition was about. I actually did return to the individual Im designed to be.

[emilyl-b]

9 Things Your Parents Taught You About fireinsidemusic.com

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens music that she wrote a lot more than ten years ago, the woman who came to become acknowledged only given that the piano Trainer supplied what, in hindsight, seems like an eerie glimpse of her have upcoming.

Im moving away currently to a spot so distant, wherever nobody appreciates my title, she wrote from the lyrics of the music referred to as Moving.

When she wrote that track, she was youthful and vivacious, a piano Trainer and freelance new music writer who liked Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river Appears, lengthy walks and every thing about Big apple.

On a type of beloved walks, via Central Park in the bright Solar of the June day in 1996, a homeless drifter conquer her and made an effort to rape her, leaving her clinging to lifestyle. Once the assault, the text to her track arrived legitimate. She moved away, outside of Ny city, out of her old daily life, and all but her closest buddies did not know her name. To the rest of the environment, she was — such as far more famous jogger attacked in Central Park seven years before — an nameless image of the urban nightmare. She was the piano Trainer.

Now, around the 10th anniversary of the assault, she is celebrating what appears to be her whole recovery from Mind trauma. She is forty two, married, with a little child. She's Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano Trainer, and she or he wants to explain to her story, her way.

Her physician instructed her it could just take ten years to Recuperate, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I sense my lifestyle has become redefined by Central Park, she said several times ago, her voice smooth and hopeful. Prior to park; immediately after park. Will there at any time be a time Once i dont Feel, Oh, Here is the 10th anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch residence in the wooded subdivision in a The big apple suburb. She sat in a dining area strewn with toys, surrounded by photos of her cherubic, dim-haired 2-calendar year-aged daughter. A Steinway grand filled fifty percent the place, and at just one level she sat down and played. Her taking part in was forceful, but she seemed embarrassed to Engage in quite a lot of bars, and shrugged, rather then answering, when asked the identify from the piece. She asked that her daughter and her city not be named.

She phone calls that working day, June 4, 1996, the working day Once i was harm.

Hers was the main within a string of assaults by precisely the same man on four women over 8 days. The final victim, Evelyn Alvarez, 65, was overwhelmed to Loss of life as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleansing shop, and eventually, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to lifestyle in prison.

Nonetheless the attack on the piano Instructor may be the a person individuals seem to recollect probably the most. Portion of the fascination has to do with echoes on the 1989 assault to the Central Park jogger. But In addition, it frightened men and women in a means the attack on the jogger did not since its situation ended up so mundane.

It did not happen in a very remote Portion of the park late in the evening, but in close proximity to a favorite playground at three inside the afternoon. It could have took place to anybody. The stress was heightened from the mystery with the piano academics id.

For three times, as law enforcement and Health professionals attempted to find out who she was, she lay in a coma in her clinic mattress, anonymous. Her parents were on trip and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Last but not least, among her students regarded a police sketch and was able to establish her while in the clinic by her fingers, since her confront was swollen beyond recognition. The law enforcement did not release her identify.

The last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is providing a lesson in her studio apartment on West 57th Avenue, then putting her very long hair in the ponytail and likely out for any walk. She will not keep in mind the attack, Though she has listened to the accounts from the police and prosecutors.

To me its like a actuality I realized and memorized, she mentioned. As if I ended up a student in school researching background.

She doesn't think of The person who did it. I might need been offended for any moment, although not a lot longer than that, she said. How could I be offended at John Royster? He was declared not insane, but I assume by our specifications he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her doctor at The big apple Healthcare facility-Cornell Health-related Middle, as it was known in 1996, explained to reporters that she experienced a 10 percent possibility of survival. Medical professionals experienced to get rid of her forehead bone, which was later on changed, to produce space for her swelling brain. When her mother produced a community appeal to pray for my daughter, 1000's did.

Immediately after eight times, she arrived out of a coma, very first in a very vegetative state, then in a childlike condition. As she recovered, she slept minor and talked frequently, from time to time in gibberish. I had been finding mad at folks after they didnt reply to these terms, she claimed.

Like an Alzheimers individual, she experienced small short-term memory and would forget guests once they left the room.

Around a number of months, she had to relearn ways to stroll, dress, read and write. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented everyday to Perform guitar for her. He encouraged her to Engage in the piano, in opposition to the advice of her Actual physical therapists, who thought she can be disappointed by her incapacity to Participate in the best way she once experienced. Mr. Scherr performed Beatles duets along with her, actively playing the remaining-hand portion though she played the ideal.

Which was my most effective therapy, she mentioned.

In August, she moved back again property to New Jersey, along with her father, an engineer, and mother, a schoolteacher. She visited previous haunts and known as good friends, striving to revive her shattered memory. I used to be really obsessive about remembering, she reported. Any memory reduction was to me an indication of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists considered her progress was fantastic, but her two sisters protested that she was not the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had missing the ability to cry, like a faucet within her brain were turned off. A person night time, nine months following she was harm, she stayed up late to watch the John Grisham Motion picture A Time to Destroy. Just following her father had long gone to mattress, she viewed a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on demo for killing two men who had raped his younger daughter.

The faucet opened, as well as tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought of my mothers and fathers, my father, and whatever they went by means of, she explained. Minor by very little, my feeling returned, my depth of mind returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went again to highschool and obtained a masters degree in music education and learning.

Not anything went very well. She and Mr. Scherr split up five years once the assault, although they remain good friends. She dated other Gentlemen, but she always advised them regarding the assault instantly — she couldn't support it, she mentioned — plus they in no way known as for a 2nd day.

We have now to search out you anyone, her Good friend David Phelps, a guitar participant, mentioned 4 many years back, before introducing her to Liam McCann, a computer technician and newbie drummer. For at the time, she did not say anything at all about the assault until she received to grasp Mr. McCann, then when she did, he admired her toughness.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had typically frequented her at her bedside though she was in the clinic, married them in his Instances Sq. Place of work. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Whilst she was pregnant, within a burst of creativity, she and her mates recorded Even though Ended up Young, an album of childrens songs that she experienced penned prior to the attack, such as the music Shifting. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, manufactured the CD. On it, her spouse performs drums and she performs electrical piano.

Is her life as it absolutely was? Not specifically, although she is hesitant to attribute the distinctions to her injuries. Her very last two piano students still left her, with out contacting to clarify why, she reported. She has resumed taking part in classical songs, but simple items, because her daughter would not give her the perfect time to practice. As for jazz, I dont even check out, she stated.

She would want to drive additional, sensation stranded in the suburbs, but she is easily rattled. She tries to be written content with being house and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a medical professor of neurological operation at precisely what is now named New York-Presbyterian Healthcare facility/Weill Cornell Clinical Center, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann once the assault, said final week that her amount of Restoration was rare. Shes generally standard, he claimed.

Other gurus, who're not Individually accustomed to Ms. Kevorkian McCanns case, are more cautious.

Regaining the opportunity to Participate in the piano may possibly contain an Nearly mechanical procedure, a semiautomatic remember of exactly what the fingers have to do, explained Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of scientific rehabilitation medication at Ny University School of Medication. As soon as brain-injured, you happen to be always brain-hurt, For the remainder of your lifetime, Dr. Ben-Yishay claimed. There isn't any cure, You can find only intense compensation.

The more telling Portion of a Restoration, in his see, is psychological, and on that rating he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and boy or girl as a major victory.

For her aspect, the piano Instructor is familiar with she has altered, but she has produced her peace with it. I used to be sort of a hyper —— I dont know if I was a kind A, but I used to be bold, she claims. Why was I so formidable? I was a piano Trainer. I dont understand what the ambition was about. I really did come back to the individual Im designed to be.

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9 Things Your Parents Taught You About best keyboard for learning piano

Correction Appended

On an album of bittersweet childrens music that she wrote much more than ten years in the past, the woman who arrived for being regarded only given that the piano teacher supplied what, in hindsight, seems like an eerie glimpse of her possess upcoming.

Im going absent now to a location so far-off, exactly where no person is familiar with my title, she wrote while in the lyrics of the track identified as Relocating.

When she wrote that tune, she was young and vivacious, a piano Instructor and freelance tunes author who loved Beethoven and jazz, sunsets and river sounds, prolonged walks and every little thing about New York.

On a kind of beloved walks, by Central Park in the brilliant Sunshine of the June working day in 1996, a homeless drifter defeat her and attempted to rape her, leaving her clinging to life. Following the assault, the text to her music arrived genuine. She moved absent, out of New York City, from her previous life, and all but her closest pals did not know her identify. To the rest of the earth, she was -- much like the far more well-known jogger attacked in Central Park seven yrs previously -- an anonymous image of the city nightmare. She was the piano teacher.

Now, around the tenth anniversary on the attack, she's celebrating what appears to be her complete Restoration from Mind trauma. She is forty two, married, with a small child. She is Kyle Kevorkian McCann, the piano teacher, and she wants to tell her Tale, her way.

Her health practitioner told her it might consider ten years to Get better, and Sunday was that talismanic anniversary. I really feel my daily life has become redefined by Central Park, she mentioned numerous days ago, her voice smooth and hopeful. In advance of park; immediately after park. Will there ever certainly be a time when I dont think, Oh, Here is the tenth anniversary, the 11th anniversary?

She spoke in her modest ranch household within a wooded subdivision inside of a The big apple suburb. She sat inside a dining place strewn with toys, surrounded by pictures of her cherubic, dark-haired two-yr-previous daughter. A Steinway grand filled 50 % the area, and at 1 point she sat down and performed. Her participating in was forceful, but she appeared embarrassed to play more than a few bars, and shrugged, as an alternative to answering, when asked the title from the piece. She questioned that her daughter and her town not be named.

She phone calls that day, June four, 1996, the working day After i was harm.

Hers was the main within a string of attacks by the same guy on 4 women over eight times. The final target, Evelyn Alvarez, sixty five, was overwhelmed to Demise as she opened her Park Avenue dry-cleaning shop, and ultimately, the assailant, John J. Royster, was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in jail.

Still the attack within the piano Instructor is definitely the 1 people today seem to keep in mind one of the most. Component of the fascination needs to do with echoes from the 1989 attack to the Central Park jogger. But What's more, it frightened people today in a means the assault to the jogger did not because its instances ended up so mundane.

It didn't occur within a distant Section of the park late in the evening, but around a preferred playground at three in the afternoon. It might have took place to anyone. The strain was heightened from the mystery of your piano academics identification.

For 3 times, as police and Physicians tried out to find out who she was, she lay inside of a coma in her clinic mattress, nameless. Her mother and father ended up on getaway and her boyfriend, also a musician, was in Europe, on tour. Finally, one among her pupils regarded a law enforcement sketch and was able to discover her during the hospital by her fingers, simply because her experience was swollen beyond recognition. The police didn't launch her identify.

The last thing she remembers about June four, 1996, is supplying a lesson in her studio apartment on West 57th Road, then putting her very long hair in the ponytail and heading out for your wander. She isn't going to bear in mind the assault, Whilst she has listened to the accounts in the police and prosecutors.

To me its just like a truth I discovered and memorized, she stated. As if I were being a college student in class finding out heritage.

She isn't going to consider the man who did it. I might have been indignant to get a minute, although not for much longer than that, she mentioned. How could I be angry at John Royster? He was declared not crazy, but I assume by our standards he was.

Dr. Jamshid Ghajar, her medical doctor at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Heart, as it had been identified in 1996, informed reporters that she experienced a 10 % chance of survival. Health professionals had to get rid of her forehead bone, which was afterwards changed, for making place for her swelling brain. When her mother created a community attract pray for my daughter, thousands did.

After eight times, she arrived out of a coma, first in a very vegetative point out, then in a childlike point out. As she recovered, she slept little and talked regularly, at times in gibberish. I was getting mad at individuals once they didnt reply to these words, she claimed.

Like an Alzheimers patient, she experienced tiny limited-expression memory and would fail to remember site visitors the moment they still left the room.

Over many months, she had to relearn ways to stroll, gown, read through and publish. Her boyfriend, Tony Scherr, frequented every day to Enjoy guitar for her. He encouraged her to Enjoy the piano, towards the advice of her physical therapists, who imagined she might be discouraged by her incapacity to Participate in how she when had. Mr. Scherr played Beatles duets together with her, actively playing the left-hand part even though she performed the correct.

That was my most effective therapy, she claimed.

In August, she moved back again residence to New Jersey, together with her father, an engineer, and mom, a schoolteacher. She frequented outdated haunts and identified as friends, seeking to restore her shattered memory. I had been incredibly obsessed with remembering, she stated. Any memory decline was to me a sign of abnormality or deficit.

Her therapists considered her development was wonderful, but her two sisters protested that she was not the deep thinker she had been.

What bothered her most was that she had misplaced a chance to cry, as if a faucet inside of her brain had been turned off. A person evening, nine months right after she was damage, she stayed up late to observe the John Grisham Motion picture A Time and energy to Get rid of. Just after her father experienced gone to bed, she viewed a courtroom scene of Samuel Jacksons character on trial for killing two men who had raped his youthful daughter.

The faucet opened, along with the tears trickled down her cheeks. I thought of my mother and father, my father, and the things they went through, she claimed. Tiny by minor, my sensation returned, my depth of brain returned.

Urged by her sisters, she went back to highschool and acquired a masters degree in audio training.

Not everything went properly. She and Mr. Scherr break up up five years once the assault, however they remain friends. She dated other Gentlemen, but she always informed them concerning the assault instantly -- she could not support it, she stated -- and they by no means called for any second day.

Now we have to locate you someone, her Pal David Phelps, a guitar player, stated 4 several years back, right before introducing her to Liam McCann, a pc technician and newbie drummer. For once, she didn't say nearly anything with regard to the attack till she acquired to find out Mr. McCann, then when she did, he admired her strength.

Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who had normally frequented her at her bedside though she was in the hospital, married them in his Situations Square Workplace. She wore a blue costume and pearls. Whilst she was pregnant, within a burst of creative imagination, she and her close friends recorded When Had been Youthful, an album of childrens music that she experienced prepared prior to the attack, such as the music Moving. Her ex-boyfriend, Mr. Scherr, generated the CD. On it, her spouse plays drums and she or he performs electric powered piano.

Is her lifetime as it absolutely was? Not accurately, while she is hesitant to attribute the variations to her injuries. Her final two piano pupils still left her, with no contacting to clarify why, she reported. She has resumed enjoying classical music, but straightforward pieces, since her daughter isn't going to give her time and energy to practice. As for jazz, I dont even consider, she said.

She would like to drive extra, sensation stranded from the suburbs, but she is well rattled. She tries to be content material with keeping property and caring for her daughter.

Dr. Ghajar, a medical professor of neurological medical procedures at what is now referred to as NewYork-Presbyterian Medical center/Weill Cornell Health care Heart, who operated on Ms. Kevorkian McCann following the assault, reported very last 7 days that her degree of recovery was uncommon. Shes generally usual, he explained.

Other professionals, who're not personally informed about Ms. Kevorkian McCanns situation, tend to be more careful.

Regaining the opportunity to Engage in the piano may well require an Just about mechanical procedure, a semiautomatic recall of what the fingers really need to do, explained Dr. Yehuda Ben-Yishay, a professor of scientific rehabilitation medicine at Big apple College Faculty of Drugs. Once brain-hurt, you might be usually Mind-hurt, for the rest of your life, Dr. Ben-Yishay said. There is not any overcome, There's only intense compensation.

The more telling Portion of a Restoration, in his view, is psychological, and on that score he counts Ms. Kevorkian McCanns relationship and boy or girl as a substantial victory.

For her aspect, the piano Instructor is aware she has altered, but she has designed her peace with it. I was kind of a hyper ---- I dont know if I had been a sort A, but I used to be formidable, she suggests. Why was I so bold? I had been a piano teacher. I dont determine what the ambition was about. I actually did return to the person Im designed to be.

Correction: June thirteen, 2006, Tuesday An post on Thursday about Kyle Kevorkian McCann, a piano Instructor who was beaten and sexually assaulted ten years ago in Central Park, misstated the title of her album of childrens tracks. It truly is Whilst Have been Youthful, not When Were being Young.