#i didnt know if i wojld ever get him

[atticoratticus]

GOD OKAY SORRY FOR BEING SO M.I.A LATELY UHHHH IVE BEEN SUPER BUSY WITH WORK

BUT I DOWNLOADED PAZURIBE FOR THE CHRISTMAS RAN EVENT BECAUSE HELLO. I NEEDED HIM SO BAD. AND OVER THE PAST 4 DAYS IVE SPENT OVER 17 HOURS FARMING FOR DIAMONDS TO ROLL FOR HIM

AND FINALLY. AFTER 120 ROLLS. I FINALLY GOT HIM

IM SHAKING SO BAD IM SO HAPPY

LOOK AT HOW CUTE HE IS AUGHHHHH IM SOBBING

(I might have gone broke leveling him up so he's hanging out on the DoraMitsu couch until I can afford to buy him his own ermmmm)

[thisisanude]

IM JEALOUS IM JEALOUS IM JEALOUS IM SO JEALOUS WHATS WRONG WITH ME I HAVE LITERAL WORMS SO MANY OF THEM SOOOO MANY WHY AM I SO JEALOUS IVE NEVER FELT SO UNRIGHTFULLY JEALOUS OF SOMEONE. TWO PEOPLE!!!! HER BF AND HER BEST FRIEND THATS SO FUCKED UP IM SO FUCKED UP IM ACTUALLY NOT A GOOD PERSON THEYRE BOTH GOOD PEOPLE WHY DO I WANT THEM TO LEAVE I JUST WSNT TO BE ALONE WITH HER WHATS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I LIKE THIS WHY CANT I TAKE IT ITS SUCH A FEELING BAD BAD BAD BAD WHATS WRONG WITH ME IM PROB MAKING IT SO OBVIOUS IM TRYING SO HARD TO HIDE HOW I REALLY FEEL I DONT WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE WHY DO I FEEL LKKE THIS WHAT TJE FUCK HAPPENED???? HAVE I ALWAYS FELT THIS WAY AND JUST DIDNT REALIZE TIL RECENTLY???? WOULD I HAVE REALIZED IT ANYWAY EVEN IF HER SISTER DIDNT SAY THOSE THINGS A FEW MOTNHS AGO. WOULD I HAVE REALIZED IT IF WE NEVER FUCKED AGAIN. WOJLD I HAVE REALIZED IT IF MY BF DIDNT MOVE AWAY AND WE BECAME LONG DISTANCE??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHU IM STUCK IM STUCK IM SO STUCK IM FUCKED UP IM FUCKED THERES NO WAY OUT THERES NOOOO WAY OUT I CANT LET MY FAMILY KNOW IM GAY I CANT LET HIM KNOW I FELL FOR A GIRL WHEN THAT WAS HIS BIGGEST FEAR GETTING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME I CANT TELL HER HOW I FEEL BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO JEOPARDIZE OUR FRIENDSHIP I CANT TELL ANY OF MY OTHER BESTIES BECAUSE THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME DIFFERENTLY AND TELL ME THINGS I DONT WANT TO HEAR IM SO STUCK IVE NEVER FELT THIS STUCK EVER IN MY LIFE AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO IM GOING CRAZY I JUST WANT HER TO MYSELF I DONT WANT TO SHARE I DONT WANT TO SHARE I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY BUT I DO BECAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD WHEN IM WITH HER BUT IT FEELS SO BAD EVERY OTHER TIME AND WHEN IM JEALOUS AND IM SO JEALOUS I LITERALLY NEVER GET JEALOUS AND IVE LITERALLY NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE IM SO FUCKED IM FUCKED OUT OF MY MIND THERE IS NO ESCAPE I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA HOW IM GONNA GET OUT OF THIS LITTLE SITUATION I FEEL SO AWFUL I JUST WANT TO BE WITH HER I WANT TO KISS HER I WANT TO LIVE WITH HER I WANT TO DO THINGS WITH HER ALL THE TIME I WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER I WANT TO SHOWER WITH HER I WANT TO FUCK HER I WANT TO WATCH THINGS WITH HER I WANT TO DECORATE OUR APARTMENT TOGETHER I WANT TO GET A PET TOGETHER I WANT TO WORK ON OUR INTERACTIVE ART MUSEUM TOGETHER I WANT TO MOVE TO THE WEST COAST TOGETHER JUST US TWO I WANNA DRIVE HER TO WORK AND GET HER LUNCH AND PLAY WITH HER HAIR AND LOTION HER BODY AND LIVE WITH HER OH GOD IM DOWN BAD OH GOD THIS IS SO BAD THJS IS ACTUALLY SO SO SO SOOOO BAD IM STUCK AND IDK WHAT TO DO

fuck FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[stories-of-life-15]

Did I know?

When I was 15 I needed 2 more hours of night driving to get my druvers license, so my dad and I drove to Virginia and back. What I didnt know is how this drive would changs me jsut a little bit, and help a lot of things make sense.

Growing up, as long as i can remebered I didnt like wearing skirts. I always thought theyre really cute, and want to wear them, but when ever I put one on I feel exposed, uncomfortable, and anxious.

Growing up, as long as i can remebered I was always awkward around boys, not because I had a crush but they just made me feel uneasy and anxious.

Growing up, as long I can remember, as soon as i couls understand, I felt a connection to those girls i knew who had been assaulted, but didnt know why.

Growing up, as long as i can remember I felt like there was something I had forgotten, something important, something I didnt want to know, but something I should have remebered.

Growing up, as long as i could remember, I couldnt remeber as much as i should. I should be able,to remember back to the age of 3, but I can't remeber anything before I was about 6.

Growing up, in high school, I started to peice these things together, and thoughg, could I have been assaulted and forgotten? Is there something that happened to me that my own mind has hidden? Am I crazy for thinking that?

Well on this drive to Virginia, my dad and I had a conversation that went where I never bemived it would go. He started to tell me about things I should know, thag I may not remeber. Like that my parents went to,marriage counseling when i was 10. Or, thag when I was 5, I was assaulted on the school bus. Wait what? I learned that when I was in kindergarten, a 5th grade boy "put his had up [my] skirt". Yeah. No one stopped him. The bus driver was driving, she didnt do anything although i dont think she could have, but my dad said she knew it happened. But the school didnt tell him, I think he said I told him.

The next day we went to the principal, along with the boy and his parents. The boys dad said "boys will be boys" and the principal didnt want a fuss, so he wasnt going to be punished until my dad threatened to make it a legal case against the school for doing nothing, so the boy was suspended for 3 days.

When the boy was in high school, my dad was volunteering at a football game at the same school. Well, that boy recognised him, and told his friends what he had done taking pride in his violation of another human being. He is in jail now for drugs and other petty crimes he committed later.

When my dad told me this, at fiest I thought he was just trying to scare me, maybe he just wants me to be careful, but the more I thought about it the more I knew it was true. He wouldnt lie about something like that, his rage made that clear. And I jsut had thins feeling like I knew it all along. It explained so much that I couldnt make sense of, and now all the peices fall into place.

So now I know, but should I know? Did I want to know? Did I need to know? What do I really know?

When I instantly thought "this is the exact pink skirt i was wearing when that happened" was that real, or did my mind jsut make that up to fill in a blank?

I think its good I know. No matter how bad something may be, if it happened to me, I wojld want to know.