#i didnt eat beakfast or lunch

[emptinessinme-s]

Rant ant

My boyfriend came over this weekend and i ate so so soo much. I was doing fine, low cal omad, drinking tea etc, but then he came over and i just.. i knew i had to act normal and eat the damn pasta and cake but FUCk i didnt have to eat that much.

I ate like a normal person in front of him (sometimes a bit more ;-;) but i would sneak in the kitchen to eat at random times. Also, that fucker got me a bag of my favorite candy AND I ATE MORE THEN HALF OF IT ALONE!!!! I also drank alcohol. A lot.

But the worst is yet to come:

we went out on the sunday and he left after that. I was struggling so much to convice myself not to binge when i got home.. i failed. I kept thinking "its ok, you dint f it all up, it was just some extra cal, if you go back to restrict it will all be fine" but i just felt the urge to feel stufed.

I know im gross for sayind this. Its just.. if i try and dont restric at all when im around food i love but never allow myself to eat i always end up like that. Whith the urge to binge. Needing to eat even more then i already had. Needing to be past the point of fullness. Damn situatiins like these open a void in me.

Good thing is i didnt eat crap. i ate what i usually eat but in enormous porcions - 3 scrsmbled eggs with ricota, 1 banana and 1 apple with oats, cinnamon and lots lots of whey protein ( that shit is expensive i am stupid af) plus the rest of the pasta and sardine rillets. Didnt count the calories not gonna count now.

This morning i ate papaya with oats and black coffe for beakfast and now i had for lunch broccoli withs eggs, cucumber and peas.

I wasant very strict bc the morning aftef a binge i always feel very hungry, but now i will go back to omad (will fast for 24hrs starting now, after lunch) and get back on track etc and all this shit...

I am just so hopeless

[noyasboxdye]

hello bby ily /p

you dont have to answer this or you can answer this privately if you want because ik its personal and lmk if im overstepping a boundary i'll back off w no hard feelings <3 timid abt sending this bc i know its personal dont be afraid to tell me to back off. + i'm sorry if this is jumping to conclusions, i just thought i'd say smth to let you know in case this IS the case.

but i did notice that in alex's blog you said smth about your chicken nuggets and counting the cals and i want you to know that i luv you.

as someone who struggles w anorexia that seemed like a habit of disordered eating and although i do like alex as a person, the reply he gave you rlly didnt sit right w me. i dont blame him, he probably just doesn't realize. but either way if you do struggle with an ed, i'm always here for you and if you ever want anyone to talk to, vent to, or for tips in how to go about an ed safely, please let me knowbecause i'd love to help take care of you and make sure you're staying safe.

hi lovely ilyt pls /p

it's fine, im fine we're all fine. i havent counted my cals or had under 800 cals a day in like a month maybe a little over that so everything's fine again. i just still have the habit of looking at the calories :) i am eating the proper amount of calories (?).

i have been thinking abt going back to doing it but we arent bc... you can like die from it or wtv </3

i didnt take offence to what alex said. i laugh at myself abt it lmfao. i didnt mean to worry anyone im so sorry pls-