#i didnt actually use real hair for haru

[moniiiii112]

kuroaka hair <3 (´-`)

i have some plastic eyes at home for the haru hair ball so i'll show the results in 2-3 weeks cause im somewhere else rn

[hymnserendipity]

Traitor Sanzu

Mention of blood, Bonte Sanzu so age up, mention of violence, mention of intimacy, no gender mentioned

Your boyfriend Sanzu... You knew he worked in a very dangerous job but you never asked him which it was. Till that day, when he stab you with his katana. “From the day we met, I knew I’d hurt you eventually.” he said, watching your shocked expression. Sanzu stood over you. You were completely at his mercy, the floor of his kitchen around you was patterned with the deep red of blood. In that second you realize how fool you were.

It was the bonten orders that he would have to bring back you dead, maybe somewhere deep inside he was guilty, but you didnt knew this. You only knew you had to fake your identity to escape the madness of Bonten's Takeomi that tried to take you as his spouse. You start to understand in which organization Sanzu, that you thought was your loving boyfriend, worked.

"Haru... What..." He looked at you with cold eyes, his expression empty of emotion.

“You should’ve known better then to try and mess with Bonten.” You could feel your body tremble at his voice. He knelt down in front of you. The tip of his blade pushed against your throat, forcing you to tilt your head back slightly. "I thought...we were ... Something." He leaned in close, keeping you pinned like a specimen to be studied under an examining eye.

“You thought we were lovers?” He snorted. “I never saw you as anything but an annoyance. I just kept you around cos you were easy to manipulate.” he explain, your heart shattered. "No, Haru look at me." You beg. You simply couldn't believe what was going on. He gripped your chin with his hand, forcing you to look up at him. His eyes bore into yours, like two spears. "Please... I know you love me."

You were begging, it can't be real, that is a dream...right? Sanzu’s eyes narrowed, annoyed that you’d dare say such a thing to him.

“Don’t talk stupid.” He looks at you like hes about to spit on your face. “I didn’t love you. You were nothing more than a pawn. A fool I kept around to pass the time. Stop making such pathetic puppy dog eyes at me!” All that times where he comforted you after your work shift, they way he run a bath for you at his place, the way he made love with you roughter but nicely...

Sanzu's expression darkened even further. "I loved you! I thought you... You did too." You were about to cry, the pain from the katana was still there, but the pain in your heart was another pair of hands. “I never loved you! You were nothing but a pawn for me to use and discard, like all the rest.” He grabbed your hair tightly, forcing you to stay close to his face.

“Stop saying such things, or I’ll cut out your tongue!” Sanzu's grip on your hair became even tighter. He was growing more and more agitated. You just look at him, tears running down your cheeks as a small sob start. “You’re annoying me, just shut up!”

He put the tip of his blade to your throat. “Say another word and I’ll slit your throat.”

"Is what Takeomi want no?" Sanzu's anger faded for a moment, replaced by a cold, calculating gaze. “Yes. Those were my orders.” He leaned in even closer, his breath was hot and his voice was a low whisper.

“But... you don’t know how long I’ve wanted an excuse to get rid of you.”

"All those nights where i cuddled you to sleep meant nothing to you then?" He laughed. It was a harsh, cruel sound. “Of course they meant. It was easy to seduce you, to make you believe I actually cared...but you were just another fool under my spell.”

He smirked. “All those nights I spent with you were nothing more than a lie. They meant nothing to me.”

"Even when you had nightmares and i soothe you?" He sneered at you.

“Don’t flatter yourself. I played the part to lure you further in. And you fell for it hook, line and sinker.”

He tightened his grip on your hair. “Those nightmares were fake. Everything was an act, including my affection.”

"This... Can't be real... Please look at me." He grabbed your face with his free hand, forcing you to look directly at him. “What? Do you still think I have some shred of feeling for you? Pathetic. You’re even more naive then I thought.” Sanzu's eyes darkened. He was losing patience.

“Can’t you just accept that it was all an act? Everything between us was fake. Every whisper, every touch.”

He pulled your hair harder. “I never loved you. Don’t you understand?” Sanzu watched you, his expression cold and unrepentant.

“You look surprised. Why?” He mocked, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Did you really believe that I could care about someone like you?”

"But why..." Sanzu chuckled, his voice was cruel and mocking. “Why did I keep you around? Because you were naive. Because you were so pathetically easy to trick. You were like a naive little bird, easy to trap and mold.” He smirked. “I was bored. And you were a toy I could amuse myself with.” he slit again the katana on the wound and you screamed, he was just looking at you in a sadistic way, giving you the time to keep talking.

"So you just played with me to make me follow you here to the headquarter?" Sanzu laughed. “You were so eager to come. Like a loyal dog, following me to the very den of a wolf. I wanted you to follow me. I knew that if you were with me, you’d be easy to manipulate and fool. And look, I was right.”

He paused for a moment. He looked at you with a cold, calculating gaze. You knew you couldnt run away from him, not in that state. "Finish what ypu have to do then." You reply, saddnes could be read on your face. Sanzu looked at you with a mix of surprise and irritation.

“Really? You’re giving up that easily?” He looked at your wounds. His expression didn’t change. He didn’t care. “Do you think I care?” He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “You’re just going to give up? Pathetic. Where’s your spirit?” "I thought you loved me... I really loved you..." Sanzu sneered.

“Do you still not get it? I never loved you. I was pretending the entire time. It was all a part of my plan to manipulate you. I don’t care how you feel, I don’t love you, I never have.”

He look at you before you faint.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 102- 106

I thought abt skipping those chapters cuz the difference from the anime are’nt big & there’s hardly any tohru in them which I know where the great difference between anime & manga is. However, I like yuki & I was delighted to see the difference between manga yuki & anime yuki! Really, furuba anime makes so much focus on him & all, yet manages to miss the mark when it comes to his character. Yuki is such a prince “from a fairy tale but with trauma” in the anime which contradicts his vision of himself in canon as he said it IS fake, but in the manga he’s a real character with layers. 

A-Chapters 102 & 103/ se03, ep 3 ( A dynamic Yuki vs a prince):

Not much change in the plot from the anime, se03, ep 3, except few things I’ll highlight here:

MACHI: ch.102 is basically machi’s story that we saw in se03 ep 3 first half before the motoko part. but it’s fascinating how the anime handled it greatly & how the manga had its unique touch. The anime gave machi’s part its own color, mood & focus, while the manga excelled in the facial expressions.

YUKI: In ch. 102 & 103, Yuki in particular had many facial expressions in such a refreshing way different from the anime. In the anime, yuki emoted exclusively with kyo & kakeru in ways that you don’t need to hear his monologue to understand his thoughts, he was also allowed expressiveness with machi in the anime but with maintaining big doses of his princely aesthetics & mannerism cuz we see him from achi’s perspective. Ironic cuz she calls him imperfect but the anime gives him lots of shojo bubbles from her pov. In the manga, yuki is way more expressive with lots of characters!!! Even with the fanclub girls, he had funny expressions, & we see a cute scene of machi trying to cheer him up!

in the manga, yuki & machi both are given expressive features. Machi isn’t silent with her head down 95% of the time & yuki is is not living in his own head & is very dynamic with other characters as well, which makes him feel real.

Also, in the manga, yuki isn’t super skinny like the anime! I love how he fills his school uniform without it looking so baggy. In the manga, yuki looks like a grown teenager boy reaching his 17!!! In the anime, yuki looks the same all seasons.

In the anime, the clear body growth was exclusive to kyo in se02, during beach arc mainly cuz the plot required it as tohru kept commenting on kyo growing up physically & told Kazuma. So, the anime made huge effort to make kyo look grown physically. Also, in the anime, yuki is given a princely aura from se01 to 3 as his physical appearance & aesthetics remained the same minus his interaction with kakeru where you see glimpses of a more firm & free character. A peek into his soul perhaps?

B-Ch 104 -106, Anime, se3, ep 4. (Isuzu’s Arc closed, Akito’s begins!): 

I love the way the page transitioned from Isuzu’s hair at kureno’s feet to Haru’s entering akito’s room!

I love akito in this chapter/ep, not love her as in support her, no. lol. but love how this chapter/ep sheds light into her twisted mind. Great writing! The way Akito was shocked at kureno’s betrayal of saving Isuzu is why Akito’s growth from abuser to feeling guilt & repent is not satisfactory in the anime ( I’m yet to reach this part in the manga, so I’ll wait to see if it was handled differently). Akito was way more self-centered & concerned with her delusions to stop a bit & entertain the thought that isuzu was on the verge of death. This is a huge red flag. This is sth you can’t brush under tohru’s healing words of feeling similar to akito & akito finding “ true friendship” as a healthy replacement to her delusional “ together forever”.

-The core characters that the entire show/ story/ manga is built upon their views are tohru & akito. You can’t spend 2 seasons & a half faintly touching these characters’ pov & trauma, then give quick hasty focus, then hit them with “ healing growth”. Both tohru & akito needed more screen time/ spotlight to dwell into them cuz they’re fascinating characters!

This chapter the focus is on haru & isuzu, however, these two characters arc would pretty much be wrapped after this chapter/ep minus few cleaning here & there. Akito’s descending into darkness truly begins here. This is what should be followed & given much care!

I love how this line connects what seems like a sub-plot story to the main story of the original zodiacs!!! In the original story, the cat refused to be by the Ruler’s side & it was percieved as the cat betraying him & the others. All the rest of the animals must ALWAYS be on the Ruler/Akito side & not copy the Monster/Cat behavior. Excellent foreshadowing & a twist to kyo’s/ akito’s / kureno’s story! The cat was right all along, but it’s not abt right or wrong. It’s abt choosing sides. With us or against us. If you are not with us, you are the barbaric enemy/ monster. ( kinda similar to our real world issues & politics)

Side Notes:

I have nothing to say abt motoko except in a 13 ep core & major final season with thematic & plot focus, she really got her share. Out of all the content to cut. what logic? I can never understand..... Not hating, but truly bewildered & confused. Fan service? Gotta be. Wasting valuable screen time for a character with no effect on plot or characters or anything.. I mean if it was a 26 ep season, then okay... but the nope! lets chop chop core plot & give motoko an epic send off!

Maybe Motoko got pity love from the anime team? She wasnt given yuki’s love, so the decision maker whoever they are, gave her better emotional focus than the actual love interest (machi) has got! XD (again not hating, but amused! XD)

I love how furuba’s writing don’t need over-exaggerated drama at all. All the pain is in the writing. in the characters themselves. The anime only needed to focus on them & get rid of the theatrical display of emotions & forced fast paced & unrealistic timeline. sigh~

Still, I love how ep 4 was directed in the anime starting the 2nd part, it was given its own mood & colors.

I love that Haru didnt just find Isuzu in the streets right wawy but waited few days to meet her. It hammers the importance of pacing time in the manga, but I also understands why the anime needed to go directly to it seeing that as I said haru & isuzu are reaching the end of their arc here & they want to close the door behind their issues once & for all. lol.

Everthing else abt Machi story, haru & isuzu, akito & kureni, I have already said before in my weekly anime reviews when se03 was airing.

I peeked into ch. 107 first two pages!!!!! Tohru’s focus???? Is this the beginning of the weakly directed ep 6? YESS!!! I cant wait to read it next weekend! <3

[uniformbravo]

god free! is such a dumb goofy series i love it like shit gets real sometimes but when it comes down to it it’s just a bunch of dumb goofy teens living their lives together?? i have compiled a list of my favorite examples from s1

makoto: *enters haru’s house uninvited, walks right into the bathroom while haru’s in the bath, presumably naked* hey haru: ....................................hey LIKe he just.... Accepts that this is happening, theres like a solid like 2 seconds of him just staring at makoto like he’s debating within himself whether to Say It or not before almost tangibly going “fuck it” & just going along w/ it*

haru & makoto & nagisa going “is it really okay to dig up our old trophy if rin isn’t here? idk it just feels wrong w/o him” only to find out that rin not only beat them there but also fucking just went ahead and dug it up by himself hfjdkjgd

haru having some kind of sixth sense for sugar apparently??? when nagisa throws “salt” on them he like tenses up all dramatic & goes “this isnt salt........................ it’s sugar” like ok????? just gonna let that one go i guess

rin having sharp teeth for absolutely no fucking reason

haru & rin not noticing the fucking pool they're about to race in is empty????

haru straight up rejecting their encounter with rin & trying to convince himself they all hallucinated him like huh? what? rin?? haha impossible he’s in australia there’s no way he couldve been at the swim club last night. no theres no such thing as airplanes he’s gone forever. yes im sure

rin going back to the old swim club again bc the first time his melodramatic brooding was interrupted by those old elementary school Goons showing up so he needed a do-over

nagisa skinny dipping in samezuka’s pool??? an apparently prestigious competitive swimming powerhouse that trains up future professional gold medalists, reigning champions of interhigh swim meets near and far in that same water & nagisa just jumps the fuck in dick out no fucks to give whatsoever???? this bitch

haru literally only showing up to both the old swim club and samezuka academy for the pools, it’s literally the equivalent of college students showing up to any given event for free food (and the fact that they had to break in both times, these Rowdy-Ass Teens)

rin showing up just in time to interrupt their illicit pool activities bc he Sensed Them

haru wearing his swimsuit under his clothes literally everywhere despite reportedly not having actually swum since middle school (except for in the ocean during summer, but it’s like the middle of spring rn?? is he just doing this in way advanced preparation? is this the equivalent of people who start posting abt halloween in july)

gou showing up to haru’s house bc apparently she just Knows where he lives (also haru hearing the doorbell & immediately submerging his head in the bath bc he’d rather drown than have to answer the door #relatable)

rei calling haru “haru-chan-san” upon first meeting him bc “haru-chan” is what nagisa has been referring to him as so that’s his sole point of reference but he also has to add his own honorific too bc come on

haru being instantly pissed at this random new fuck for calling him not only -chan, his Least favorite honorific, but now -san on top of it too??? Outrageous (and this is the same guy who reportedly “hates water,” a completely unacceptable sentiment that should under no circumstances be allowed anywhere near their team in the first place- honestly from haru’s pov it’s like “oh so this is the guy who hates water huh, this hot shit” & then the hot shit’s all “you must be haru-chan-san” he probably just immediately sees red ghdjsjf)

nagisa’s whole “we need this guy bc he has a girly name just like us it’s fate” thing even tho rei’s already in the track club doing pole vaulting that he’s obviously been training v hard to be able to do is such a stupid anime bullshit motivation & my favorite part of it is that their plan for recruiting him basically amounts to the whole gang of idiots showing up to all of rei’s practices and staring at him intensely from the corner until he joins them, like,,,, think of this from rei’s perspective he’s just minding his own business trying to perfect pole vaulting & these fuckers have fixated on him for no apparent reason? he can’t even swim???

rei going so far out of his way to avoid admitting to nagisa that he can’t swim that he comes up with this bullshit philosophy about “humans evolved from the water so why would we regress and get back into it??? Checkmate y’all are fucking idiots now leave me alone” (& also the effort & passion he puts into the delivery, the overdramatic gesturing hfhhddjf rei are u sure u don’t actually belong in the drama club)

after all that, rei up and deciding to leave the track team (even tho he literally structured his daily schedule around it, went running in the mornings & everything, read books n shit) to join the swim club bc haru just looked really, really cool while swimming that one time

haru legitimately having a hard time choosing between like 5 of the exact same swim suit

when they’re trying to figure out why rei can’t swim & haru’s like “the water doesn’t like him” & nagisa’s immediately like “poor rei-chan :(” like hfkglfkj he just Accepts

rei being so frustrated with his inability to swim that he blames it on his speedo & is very convinced that buying a new one will somehow solve all of his problems (& everyone else just going along w/ it like ok i guess it’s time to go swimsuit shopping then)

haru, the owner of the previously mentioned 5 identical swimsuits, joining in with everyone else to go shopping for even more swimsuits, and picking out another one that looks just fucking like the other 5 he already has

nagisa being told that he can’t put their ugly-ass bird mascot on the swim team uniform so he puts “secret iwatobi-chan” on the back of the shirt that will be hidden beneath the jacket as if that’s not Blatantly what he was told not to do (also the fact that anyone entrusted the handling of the uniforms to nagisa, the exact kind of person who would do exactly that kind of thing)

(ok this one isnt rly goofy but haru just bit his ice cream & im so intimidated rn??)

rin’s fucking 6th sense for haru again???? “smells like mackerel”????? i truly cannot handle this one (haru & company are looking in at samezuka’s practice through the window & rin’s just like “HUH what the fuck is that who’s there i smell Mackerel” like????? oh my fucking god)

amakata “we don’t have enough money for a training camp” miho renting herself and gou a room at a lodge on the beach?????? power move

this goddamn show having a fun ~spooky~ haunted house adventure right after everyone almost fucking Died

haru’s story about his “first love” being about a fucking waterfall igmgkdjkg

rin jogging on the beach the next morning & stopping by the tents like “who r these fuckin dumbasses camping right on the shoreline” & then he turns around and there’s haru & his band of swimming idiots

rin waiting in the hallway at the interhigh in case haru comes by so he can casually get up & have a Cool And Dramatic confrontation w/ him where he brags how he’s gonna beat him in their upcoming race (which, even better, he purposely entered himself at a lower skill level to be able to do while probably his whole team went “uhhhh are u sure abt this lmao we’re kind of trying to be the best here” & hes just like “yeah yeah its fine it’s gonna be so fucking cool just wait”)

haru apparently also having a Rin Sense where he just Feels that rin is there, watching him about to swim (although now that i think about it that bright red hair is probably a fuckin beacon, i bet literally everyone looked over at him the second he stepped out of that doorway- that and the massive aura of Teen Angst surrounding him at all times)

the whole thing with nagisa & rei’s operation at the summer festival to keep haru from seeing rin? first of all is v cute but they get so into it fjdhgkdj fucking dumb cute kids playing secret detective mission texting each other Classified Intel about the location of their targets while also trying to hide it from haru & makoto (who eventually find out bc nagisa is literally the worst liar ever while also already being the most suspect little shit out of all of them by nature)

rei getting so caught up in the detective shit that he ends up following rin out of the festival entirely & into town where the purpose of his pursuit in the first place is irrelevant bc haru’s not gonna suddenly happen upon rin at the elementary school?? rei is such a nosy bitch i love him

rei being such a nosy bitch that he inadvertently fixes the emotional turmoil that has been building between rin & the others unresolved for years

rin texting gou to get rei’s number bc he needs to have a Serious and Dramatic conversation w/ him but he didnt have the chance to exchange contact info the last time they yelled at each other behind the school

rin sitting alone in samezuka’s bus bc they banned him from swimming for being too obsessed w/ haru & he needs somewhere to Sulk

rin finding some random tree outside the swim meet & being like “this reminds me of that tree from elementary school” bc hes a nostalgic bitch like that

haru being able to find rin bc he saw the same tree earlier and went “wait, rin’s a nostalgic bitch, i know Exactly where the fuck he went” & Sure Enough

iwatobi getting themselves disqualified bc they wanted to swim w/ rin in an official race like??? i know it’s an emotional & satisfying moment but miho chewing them out for it afterward is so fucking funny like objectively this team was doing rly well & then suddenly went “u know what, we do what we want, this red guy is ours now” & the judges went “hmm............... no”

in the v last episode when theyre all just sitting in a classroom w/ rin having him pretend to introduce himself as if he were a transfer student like theres absolutely no reason for this, theyre just goofing off together and reconnecting after having lost each other for so many years & it’s so dumb & heartwarming & the perfect way to close off the season & im crying i really do love this show i love these characters so much what a dumb cute goofy heartfelt show aaaaaa free is a treasure

*from the very 1st point: i know there r cultural differences to take into account where it’s probably not as big a deal for makoto to walk in on haru’s bath time in japan as it would be in like, america & the real issue haru takes w/ this happening is that his one little place of refuge in a world w/o water is being breached by this annoyingly persistent guy who not only interrupts his coping time but is actively trying to get him to leave it for “important” things like “going to school” and “not being late” & the extended pause is really him registering this unpleasant situation & trying to decide if it’s worth it to fight for his solitude, ultimately deciding it’s not worth the energy and begrudgingly accepting makoto’s outstretched hand, though he vocalizes his displeasure by rejecting his -chan bc no one who pulls him away from the water is someone he can call a friend, not even his like. actual friend. only friend. either one

anyway i love free bye

[dearsadgoat]

recovery

recently, there was a major fire in my city. a little before the fire happened, i went through probably the lowest point in my life i’ve been in thus far. it culminated into one night of forcing myself to break down a number of walls and fake fronts i put up around me. these stood for about 5 years.

during that 5 year period i lied to myself and tried to trick myself into thinking i was something else so i could fit in with my rapidly changing friend groups, both online and in real life. i started distancing myself from a number of things, including shows, interests, and friends. i pushed away mlp for fear that my friends who were now falling out of it would ditch me if i were still into it. i pushed away my desire to learn music because the relationship between my brother and i only got worse as high school went on. i pushed away old friend groups for reasons so stupid i dont remember anymore.

instead of doing videos for fun and my own enjoyment, i started making them with the intention of becoming popular. i was never good at those and i wasn’t willing to learn to make myself better because i only wanted the success. the worst part about this was the fact that i did it for so long i managed to make myself believe that this was what i wanted, to be making low effort gaming videos on youtube well past its peak. because that’s what I thought I was going to “make it” doing. it should be noted i pushed away a group of youtuber friends before this, who may have been able to talk sense into me.

to this day i have only met one other person who makes videos.

fast forward to a few months ago. back in june, i started a new job, the one im currently working, doing lifeguarding at a pool. in july, my friends and i did our annual trip to anime expo, and aside from some incidents it was fun. i went on vacation with my family to arizona, and we saw a number of beautiful sights. i enjoyed it a lot.

however, this is the end of the fun.

anime expo, as always, brought me the panic of being around so many people. it isn’t the volume of people however, im relatively comfortable in a crowd. its the idea that i can look around in any direction and see people probably way happier and in better places in life than i am. look one way, i see a group of attractive people in cosplay that’s way better than mine. look the other way, i see a group of friends all laughing and clearly have shared interests, unlike my friends where we all have kinda splintered tastes so we don’t spend all the time together at conventions.

i spent a good amount of the convention wandering it with my friend mike. we went as Haru and Rin from Free, him being Haru, me being Rin.

around that time i was having major self image issues. i gained a good amount of weight the months prior, and i couldn’t lose it no matter what i tried, and consistently going to the gym, doing workouts given to me by professionals showing me no change killed my motivation. i couldn’t get myself to even go anymore come june.

so when mike was stopped by 10+ people (i stopped counting after a while) for pictures and to compliment him on his cosplay, meanwhile outright ignoring me, i started feeling like my image issues weren’t just “in my head” like i’d been told. despite this i tried my best to ignore it and move on. except i couldn’t.

the other cosplay i did was a crossplay of Mako Mankanshoku from Kill la Kill. I actually had the right length/hair color for Mako’s hair, so I saved money on a wig and got it cut like hers. the hair actually looked fine in context of the cosplay, however the cosplay in the context of anything was atrocious.

i couldn’t fit into the seifuku i bought, despite being sure to buy a size much larger than what you’d expect. trying to ignore my brain telling me im a fat fuck i improvised with a white shirt and a light blue neckerchief. with the wrong color shoes, basic shirt, neckerchief, basic skirt, and my hair cut instead of a wig, i was the definition of awful cosplay.

i hyped up finally being able to crossdress in public to myself for months. i’ve wanted to crossdress publicly since i was 15. at no other convention in the past did i have the courage. i got rid of pretty much all body hair, and upon finally being able to do so, i thought it was everything i wanted.

looking in the mirror showed me i was nothing more than an ugly fatass trying to look cute. i was the fucking person people at conventions take candid photos of and post on tumblr to make fun of. im sure im gonna one day come across a picture of me in that “cosplay” accompanied with some text about how embarrassing i was.

so with now both my cosplays fun sucked out of them by myself, the rest of the convention went on, but i couldn’t fully suppress the idea that i was unhappy.

the arizona trip i’ll save for another post, it’s a complete offshoot with it’s own backstory.

these are nowhere near all of the events i feel caused enough problems for what happens later, just the major ones. also there’s no way i can write every single thing that’s happened to me and contributed to my sad demeanor over the last 21 years.

after that though, the rest of the summer is a blur, i dont remember anything i did, and i don’t remember starting school again. i just know i’ve been going for almost 16 weeks now.

for some reason, a lot of things that didn’t use to bug me have been bugging me. stuff that I thought i’d grown accustomed to seeing, like the ever poisonous anti-male rhetoric that this site likes to parade. i’ve been on tumblr since i was like 13, i’ve seen it, i should be used to it and know to ignore it, right?

i guess not. every post i see related to something meant to make me feel shitty for being a guy takes another chip at me throughout the day. despite my best efforts i can’t forget them.

i just don’t have the energy to put up with stuff anymore, and it really feels like im out of energy to put into caring about things. i’ve been feeling like this since the beginning of the above five year period of not knowing why i wasn’t happy with what i was supposed to be happy with.

eventually we get to one saturday at work. two pools are being used for an event, the third is being rented out for a kids birthday party. im on the tower supervising the party when my best friend kaylie comes to rotate me. we chat for a sec, and as i start to walk off, she says my name. i turn around and she points at the water. no more than 3 feet from where im standing, two kids are wrestling in the water. except they weren’t wrestling for fun, they were wrestling to get on top of one another and drowning each other in the process. mind you, this is the deepest part of the pool and it’s only like 4 1/2 feet deep. I slide in, hoist up both of them, and launch into the caring procedure bullshit.

i get them out, tell kaylie im going to get a towel, and eventually other guards start asking me what happened. all of the sudden people are toting me as being a hero for making my first rescue withing my first year. you’d think that’s something to be proud of, right?

yeah you’d think that.

i felt nothing. all i had was that i was doing my job, and if it were like ten seconds earlier kaylie would’ve got them. i didn’t do anything special.

of course that ended up as a conflict in my mind, and on the way home i bought alcohol and spent the night drinking alone.

fast forward a few more days, and i get home from work. it wasn’t a particularly hard day, or any major thing happened, just a lot of small little things that chipped away at my patience, a few comments made by coworkers that really weren’t asked for, and this and that ultimately led to me driving home at the end of the night upset.

i get home, and think to myself im going to unwind with some video games. i dont remember what happened or what i was playing, but some major thing happened that led to me calmly turning off the game and turning to my computer to stare at it for the next two hours, only occasionally clicking to something new.

nobody tells you what it’s like to break. partly because, they cant. the way i see it everyone breaks differently. every breakdown i’d had up until that point had been loud, angry, and full of jerky motions through teary, blurred eyes. they were like someone kicking over something i was making in one fell swoop.

this time it felt like i watched someone pick away at the foundation until it all started to slide down like sand.

i broke, at first without tears, questioning what i was doing at that moment, and what i was doing in general. nothing made sense. my head couldn’t keep a thought for a moment. i felt like my chest was caving in. i didnt end up eating anything that night. i honestly can’t describe how i felt and what i did, it was such a blur.

i started going on a nostalgia scavenger hunt. something i had seen recently drove me to want to search out the mlp meetup group i used to be a part of. i found pictures of me and my friends at different events back in 2011, 2012, and i started doing what i can only describe as motioning a whimper. as in, whatever you picture when you think of whimpering, only without sound.

I saw pictures of me being happy, truly happy. i hadn’t been truly happy in the last 5-6 years since these pictures were taken. at least not for more than the occasional time.

as if on queue, a friend from one group of friends i changed myself to fit in with messaged me. i asked him if he wanted to take a trip with me, and i spilled everything.

i confessed to being a liar, a poser, a shitty person who couldn’t even tell his friends that he wasn’t everything he said he was. i told him at one point in my life i had actual ambition and ways to achieve success outside of being the scummy piece of shit i’d become when i became friends with them. (please dont misunderstand, they’re good people, i just had a warped sense of what i needed to do to be their friend back then)

he let me angrily type and rant and have a major breakdown to him without interruption for almost an hour, and finally he paused me and started trying to talk me through this.

after he gave me his piece on the matter, i turned to another one of my best friends, jacob. jacob was one of the irl friends i went to meetups with, and we’ve been friends since middle school. we’re closer than anyone else i know i’d bet, even closer than kaylie and i.

because of time differences, our conversation lasted the next two days, basically telling him everything, that i wasn’t happy with myself, that i haven’t been happy with anything for a long time. the only thing that mattered to me in his response was that nothing was different between us. he said he was going to a therapist soon, and said that i should try it. i have not, and i dont plan to for fear of what i might find out. still, everything he said i took to heart and i thank him for it.

at this point, i decided that i could fix all of this, that i could make myself someone i’d like to be. i was going to work hard and no matter what i wasn’t going to break like that ever again. nothing was going to stop me, no matter the odds.

someone up there must love testing my patience.

a week later, the fire happened. within the span of an hour i had gone from coming home from a test, to helping my mom with the recycling, to rushing home because the sky over our house was brown. the next few hours was me running on no food, a sweaty, ash-covered mess, to get everything of importance out of the house. everything that was too hard to replace was taken. as painful as it was it meant leaving behind just about everything that had value to me, as i took only the things that mattered in a worldly view, not a personal view.

God listened to my prayers that day, and the fires burned half a mile from my house, but no closer. The trail i walked a thousand times growing up was no more. it’s about 4 houses down from mine, to give perspective. everything was black and soot, trees stood with burn marks and missing leaves. The creek was dried up. everything is a mess. i walked out and took pictures of it a few days after, just for memory sake.

that day was a test to see whether or not I was actually going to keep my word. i didn’t break that day, despite wanting to often, and i did what was most important for my family.

since then, i’ve shuffled around a lot of different aspects of my life. a lot of things are changing, and im not comfortable with a lot of them. however, these are good changes. i have to make myself uncomfortable to be able to find what i belong to once again.

and i hope and i pray that this is going to be the time i prove to myself i can break out of this

[tumblunni]

OKAY I FOUND SOMEONE SCANNED THE JAPANESE VERSION OF THE PERSONA 5 ARTBOOK!!! I’m still preordering the english version though. And this seems to have a LOT more text info and interviews than other artbooks I’ve got, so the english version will still be enlightening even though i cant resist the temptation to read this preview here... So yeah, I’m gonna link this in case anyone else wants to see! And also cos i really wanna talk about the interesting stuff AAAA!

IT HERE

But seriously I would feel ALL OF THE GUILT if I just read this and DIDNT buy the real version when it comes out in my country. So I’d heavily advise that all of y’all buy it too, okay? Its just real hard to wait til september.

Bunni’s Thoughts About Things In This Thing:

* The one everyone already seemed to know was Yusuke’s beta design, I think it was shown in an english interview or something? But yeah, I already knew about this, but I still really think he looks even cooler with long hair! And I like that they ended up using this design for his mother instead. That just feels like a really sweet way to deal with beta designs! Apparantly Ann’s design was based on Rise’s beta design from the last game, so its nice to know that atlus always tries to find ways to keep promising ideas, even if they dont work with the current project. ANYWAY BETA YUSUKE OF CUTE

* Also unrelated but: did you know that Yusuke slapping people during the Harisen Recovery skill was actually a GLITCH and not a feature?? It strikes me as weird that they didn’t catch that in the super long time it took to finish the various dubs. Its a meme in japanese fandom too, so its definately in every version of the game! They only just patched it recently and I AM SAD NOW. It fit really well as an easter egg for this character in particular, lol.

* ALSO I am sorry that i commonly misspell his name as Yosuke. Its weird cos I never get Ryoji and Ryuji mixed up... ANYWAY BACK TO COOL BETA TALK AND NOT JUST YUSUKE LOVE TIME

* Beta Wakaba (futaba’s mom) used to have the hairstyle that was given to Haru instead! O_o She looks really cute with it, I guess they thought it was hard to make the shadow boss scary with such awesome hair. There’s also a beta doodle of what seems to be an alternate introduction scene, where the party would be walking down an alleyway and her giant face would appear behind them as a jumpscare. I THINK I WOULD HAVE FUCKIN DIED! that’s some fuan no tane shit!

* Man I didnt even recognise beta kawakami! O_O I would have thought that was beta takemi, or even yusuke’s mom again...

* Oh man, Sae is already one of the coolest and most beautiful looking characters but seriously beta Sae has EVEN MORE of that badass butch lady handsomeness holy shit. If I can appreciate her aesthetic so much as an asexual person, I can only imagine how other fans would feel about this!

* I have legit no idea who this character is, but she looks badass! Its a shame this imgurl dump of scans is completely out of order, lol! Another reason to buy the official version when its translated: actually knowing the context of things! XD

* Same design for papa okumura’s shadow, but it seems there was originally an idea for a chase minigame with his shadow. Instead of being weak with an army of reinforcements to fight thru, he’d be weak but keep fleeing in his motor chair thing. Considering how much I DESPISED the chase minigames in Nocturne and DDS2, i am really damn glad they didnt do that...

* BETA PERSONAS!! Wow they’re so different?? Its weird how they seem to be like.. different art styles/personalities for the same character idea? Maybe this was from before the personalities of everyone had been pinned down, or maybe the personas originally belonged to different party members? i’m really curious by the goemon in a modern punk style, did he belong to ryuji??? MORE BETA PERSONAS!! Oh holy SHIT, johanna is SUCH a good design! like... what?? BADASS!! typical lady pope face attatched to a buff as fuck body in a jojo-esque costume, with like an encapsulated hat thing with halves of a mask of a cliche male pope. This design has way more to do with the actual story of that mythological figure! Popecycle was cool too tho, I think maybe they should have made someone else be popecycle, and then johanna could be the second persona using this design and taking the place of Anat.

* Beta Ohya has a nice design! Its not even necessarily a cooler costume or anything, I just like how they try and show her personality more through it. She looks more dishevelled and overworked and has some bandages. Dunno why they couldnt have worked that into her final design!

* BETA MORGANA WHAT THE FUCK jesus christ thats almost as creepy as some of the beta Teddie designs I mean, I like using swirly eyes on a lot of my mascot ideas too, but that sort of face just looks a bit unnerving along with the body being like.. all leather and weirdly detailed. Its like ann’s costume but on a damn cat! As its skin! What!

* Some goofy expressions of final design morgana that ended up not being used.

* Beta Iwai looks like a younger AZ from pokemon??

* Beta design for protagonist’s thief costume and persona, which were WILDLY different! I like the all-concealing cloak, it looks like it would have animated really flashily. Tho i totally agree that showing more of protagonist’s actual design works better for the version of him you’ll be seeing 24/7 in battles.

* Not a beta design, but look at this concept art of Makoto beating up everyone. I love makoto so much.

* Aww I kinda prefer the beta costume for [spoily endgame character]. It makes her seem closer to [other two characters of relevance to her]. I mean, not like I dislike her costume, but I really liked [those two characetrs’s costume] so hers seemed a bit boring in comparison. Having it at least have more similar design elements to other [people in that place] would have gone a long way towards making her seem less like just... Alice, as a person isntead of a persona. (It would have been a cool plot if that was her backstory tho, lol!)

* I HAVE NO IDEA WHO ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS ARE BUT I LOVE THEM! Are they rejected Confidants? Or designs for characters mentioned in confidants who never appeared? i wish we got to see the sick lil girl in takemi’s subplot, it would be cute if she looked like that design there.

* Another beta of Milady! She used to have the same design but different weapons would come out in a different way. Knives instead of guns looks a lot scarier, but I dont like the weird garbage disposal mermaid thing, just from the fact people would inevitably make vagina jokes.

* Beta Futaba was very similar but just with different outfits. She looks really cute with a beanie hat and EVEN MORE becomes Literally Me As A Character. Seriouslyyyyyy

* Also we never get to see the mounting animation for futaba’s ultimate persona. I like it a lot better cos robot hands come out and carry her to the cockpit, instead of weird tentacles. Seriously, again, inevitable pile of stupid sex jokes about that. *sigh*

* A nice bigger reference of P5 Loki design, without all the SFX and stuff during that boss battle. I really like the way he sits on his sword sassily, and how it levitates around instead of swinging it normally. I also never noticed he has hoof-like heels! With that and the long ponytails it kinda looks like they were trying to give him an eight limbs sort of look, so maybe the design is meant to invoke Sleipnir?

* HEY. UMM. HOH. LEE. SHIT. I guess this kinda counts as beta cos we never get to see this, even if its part of the final design?? Seriously, I thought the shiny red bit was like the visor of his helmet, not a mouthpiece! LOKI’S HORNS COME OUT OF HIS FUCKING EYEBALLS! What the FUCK, they should have shown some sort of animation to make that clearer, that would be SO scary and fitting for that particular boss fight!

* A few beta outfits for our heroes! Ryuji originally had a clown mask instead of a skull, and Makoto wore a jacket with a biker gang logo, in addition to everything else biker gang. INCREASE BIKER GANG! Eeeeeven more beta outfit designs! Some more cyberpunky thing for ann, and a blue colourscheme protagonist, and a character with a sledgehammer who seems unused. There’s Iwai’s gecko tattoo there, so maybe originally his role was gonna be a school-aged ally instead of an adult shopkeeper? or maybe his son would join the party? The hero also originally wore Arsene’s top hat, and there’s this mysterious pic of two characters that I dunno who they are?? They look like twins, so it makes me wonder if that means there was originally a gender choice for the protag...

* A lot of storyboards for scenes that never happened! There’s a female character we’ve never seen before, so maybe that adds more to the theory of a rejected fem!protag option...

* Beta Ann had a bunch of different ways they tried to make her look like catwoman but not too much catwoman. She also used to use a crossbow as her ranged weapon!