#i didn't expect to be able to keep up like this i've been low energy for awhile

[nsharks]

bleeding blue | chapter thirteen preview

You expect Blue to be asleep when you open the decrepit door of the hunting cabin. Instead, she's sitting up by the barely-there fire with her legs stretched out, her eyes snapping up to yours the moment the door groans shut behind you. Surprise and relief pass through the blue irises, which are by far more expressive than her father's dark brown ones. And then, a flash of anger.

"You shouldn't have gone," is what she greets you with.

The tension in your shoulders lets go of its grip as you sink to the floor beside her, hands curling in the long sleeves of your new jacket. You're glad to hear more energy in her voice, even if it's backed by anger, and to see the freckles on her face more pronounced now that she has regained some color. 

"It was important."

"It was stupid," she mumbles, looking you over before shaking her head and redirecting her gaze to the fire. "You didn't tell me. You didn't even say goodbye."

"I didn't want to wake you this morning."

"That's a shitty excuse." There is a pause where you can hear the sound of boots shuffling outside as Ghost takes position to keep watch again. Then, Blue lifts up her arm, tapping her pointer finger over the bright, plastic beads that twist around her wrist. "You're my friend, remember? We're supposed to tell each other these things."

You shimmy your wrist out of the sleeve. You'd almost forgotten about the bracelet. Your eyes trail down from the burnt ends of your fingers, where the skin is red and bubbled with blisters, to the matching beads.

"You're right. I'm sorry," you tell her. A tinge of guilt finds you. You realize what is truly bothering her: if you had died and not returned, Blue wouldn't have gotten a goodbye from you. She wouldn't have been able to mentally prepare.

She grabs your hand and, with a soft sigh, gently inspects the burn. 

"Someone hurt you."

For a moment, you close your eyes. Your stomach twists. Cold fingers. A hungry gaze. Your exposed skin.

You reopen them and speak low. "No. I hurt them."

There's an exhale that puffs from her nose, and a small smile, before she lets go over your hand and stares back at the fire.

"You know, sometimes I secretly hope we will run into other people," she says, voice drifting in thought. "—just because I never get to meet any. We haven't met a lot, and the ones we have met, my dad always kills. Except you."

"He kills them for a reason. To protect you. A lot of people are..." Fatigued, you struggle for the best word. Desperate? Selfish? Violent?

Before you can pick one, Blue says, "I know." She glances at the wound on her leg. Back in her jeans, which Ghost must have washed in the river, the bandage is hidden under the fabric. "I've never killed a person before," she adds, so quietly that you almost don't hear her. "Ghost says it's just like killing an animal or a Grey. How... how many have you killed?"

"I don't know anymore," you admit. Your eyes feel heavy, and you tuck your knees up to your chest, resting your chin on them with a weighted sigh. "Not that many. It doesn't feel like killing anything else. But... it's necessary sometimes."

"I wish it wasn't."

"Me, too."

[ellephlox]

Castle in the Sky

Summary: You try sparring with Matt because he wants you to learn self-defense. A minor bump to the head, as it turns out, opens up many doors.

Pairing: Matt x f!reader

Warnings: Hit to the head, some physical intimacy (but no smut)

A/N: Haven't written in months because I've been working on a writing project of my own but here I am again!! I'm absolutely THRILLED to see the new photos of Born Again and I'm also dying to watch Kin season 2 (haven't been able to watch it yet unfortunately).

"Matt, I know it probably pains you to hear this, but I'm seriously going to be a waste of your time."

"You could never be a waste of my time."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but really, I don't think you understand just how bad this is going to go."

"It'll go fine. Just give it a shot." Matt was in a tee and shorts, an excited energy in the way he beckoned you forward. Training, he called it. Self-defense lessons.

It sounded more like a painful exercise to you.

"Besides," you continued. "Let's say I was walking down the street and some malicious guy approached me with a knife and was all, Give me your money or I'll kill you—"

Matt scowled. "If that ever happens, I'll kill him first."

"In that situation," you pressed on, "I guarantee that I would freeze. Any punches or flying kicks or whatever that you have tried to teach me would be sitting uselessly in the recesses of my mind. I'd be scared or disbelieving and I wouldn't even move. Really."

"It wouldn't hurt to try learning, sweetheart."

You sighed. "I'll try, for your sake, but don't think that I don't see through your motivations."

"My motivations?"

"You just want to kick my ass and then laugh as I succumb to your ninja skills."

"It might possibly be a contributing factor."

You gave him a light push. "Alright, then. So you really think you can teach me something?"

"Sure. Anyone can learn." Matt quickly pushed the sofa backwards and faced you, suddenly appearing much more imposing than he did when... well, when he wasn't about to spar with you. You lifted up your hands uncertainly, trying to mimic the boxing pose you'd seen him take on in Fogwell's.

"Okay. That's your first mistake," Matt said, stepping forward to grab your wrists and adjust them.

"How did I already screw up? I only lifted my hands."

"When you're assuming a defensive stance, you don't want to keep your hands that low. It's better to keep them up a bit higher to protect your ribs and face."

He moved your hands upward. "Good. You've got your thumbs right."

"See, I know what I'm doing," you said dryly. "Next time I get attacked on the street they'll be intimidated by my correct thumb placement."

"And you'll be grateful that your thumbs aren't broken after you throw a punch. I learned that the hard way." Matt paused for a moment. "I made the mistake of putting my thumb out. Stick didn't tell me. He said he thought it'd be a good way for the lesson to stick if there was a physical reminder."

"Bastard. Now I want to learn how to fight." You lifted up your fists. "Because if I ever get the chance to meet Stick, I assure you that he will be very familiar with my fists."

"I appreciate that support, but if that ever happens, I very vehemently would recommend against that." Matt held out his hands. "Attack me. I want to see what your fighting style is."

"You mean my fighting style or lack thereof?"

"Just go for it." Matt stood there confidently, his hands crossed in front of him casually and his eyes trained on your collarbone.

"I don't want to hurt you," you said uncertainly. "I mean, I know how dumb that sounds, because you're freaking Daredevil, but it feels wrong to just... throw a fist at you."

Matt only laughed. "Sweetheart, you won't hurt me."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

"Um." You considered your hands, feeling suddenly self-conscious. "Don't judge me, okay?"

"Wouldn't dream of it."

Tentatively you sent a fist towards the left side of his abdomen. You expected him to just sidestep it, especially since it was a slow-moving punch — you didn't have the heart to put all of your strength into it, no matter what he said — but instead he blocked your arm, braced his other arm against your own, and forced you to twist around until your back was against his front and his arm was around your neck. "Come on, sweetheart, you can do better than that."

He was taunting you, and it worked. "Fine," you said, and you tossed your elbow back with the intention of slamming it into him, but it hardly did anything at all; he took the blow as though you'd thrown a marshmallow at him.

"Go for the groin," he advised.

"Don't have to tell me twice," you said, lifting up your knee with the intention to nail him, but he took the opportunity to sweep your other leg out from under you. You fell to the floor, groaning. "I thought you wanted me to try getting you in the groin?"

"And I wanted to show you how that makes it easy for an assailant to knock you down. One foot on the ground is a surefire way to have zero feet on the ground."

"Come on, you kick all the time — flying kicks, spinning kicks, twirly-whirly kicks—"

"I don't do twirly-whirly kicks. And you can go for the groin, occasionally, but only when the timing is right and you won't get knocked down."

"I promise you that if I somehow manage to get in a fight with someone, the last thing I'll be doing is analyzing whether or not the timing is right for a groin kick, Matt."

"Okay. Try a heel palm strike." He took your arm and guided you through the movement, flexing your wrist and showing you how to pull your arm back quickly. "And go for the nose, or throat, if you can. That's effective. The ears are a good target, too. It's disorienting, even for someone who doesn't rely on their hearing to move around."

You gave him a look. "Please tell me that you don't get your ears boxed on a regular basis."

"Only twice." Matt kept going before you could say anything else. "There's several escapes I want to show you, in case you're ever being held against your will."

He proceeded to demonstrate to you the different ways you could free yourself, whether you were held in a headlock or your hands were tied; for his sake you tried to do as best as you could, though you felt fairly certain that each time you "freed" yourself, it was Matt letting you go, so you could experience the maneuver fully.

"Now get down," he said.

"On the floor?"

"For escaping while mounted. Lie on the floor, on your back."

"Why do I feel like you have ulterior motives?" you asked, smirking at him as you obeyed. He climbed on top of you and grabbed both of your wrists with a devious glint in his eyes.

"Never said I wouldn't enjoy myself," he said. He locked his legs around your waist and grabbed both of your wrists, pinning them to the floor. "So, if you ever find yourself in a position like this — God forbid — then what you're going to do is—"

"Panic and wait for the devilishly handsome Daredevil to show up and rescue this damsel in distress?" At Matt's expression, you backpedaled. "I'm kidding. Kidding. I'll fight back."

"Even though your wrists are pinned, your hands themselves are still free. Try to grab my wrist with your left hand."

You tugged, and Matt allowed you to pull your hand over so that you had your left hand securely locked around his wrist. "And what if my assailant is too strong and I can't do this?"

"Odds are that no matter how strong they are, if you can start kicking with your legs, spit in their face, or scream — anything to distract them — they're not going to be 100% focused on your one left wrist. They'll be contending with your flailing legs."

"Okay," you said doubtfully. "So I just grab your wrist... then—"

"Put your foot on my hip, push, and pull at my wrist simultaneously."

"But you've locked yourself around me," you said, struggling fruitlessly. "How am I supposed to move my legs?"

"Roll onto your hip. It'll create space. And if you can, reach up and grab the ear of the assailant, then pull them to the side."

"I'm not testing the ear move on you," you said firmly. "Nope."

"I second that," he admitted. "But try the hip roll."

To your surprise, it actually worked. And this time, you felt the natural shifting of your bodies, so that you could even slightly believe that it would work on your assailant no matter how big or strong they were. You rehearsed the move with Matt several times, swapping out which hand you used to reach up to him.

"Okay. Again, and faster. Real-time, if you can. And at the end, I want you to roll out all the way, and get out from under me," Matt said.

"Okay," you said, feeling that things wouldn't bode too well for you if Matt was going to put an ounce of effort in, but you got back in position. He grabbed both of your wrists, this time digging his knees painfully into your ribs, just enough for it to hurt without doing any real harm. You gasped, struggling for breath, and lunged forward to loosen yourself slightly, trying to roll over to no avail.

"Try again," Matt said, and you did, spontaneously leaning upwards as you jerked to the left and reached for his wrist. Once you had it, you pulled as hard as you could, pushing your knee against him. You could feel him yielding a bit, going easy on you — which slightly pissed you off even though you knew you'd have no chance against him otherwise — but at the same time it was still exhilarating.

Finally you freed yourself, and rolled out to the left and onto your knees, just as Matt followed through with your shove and lunged to block you.

"Keep going," he urged. "Get back on your feet."

You obeyed, adhering to his commands as he gave them, and it really was like a waltz once you got into the rhythm, dodging and learning to recognize which hand motions meant what.

"Now try dodging a new type of punch," he said, as a way of warning. "I'll be coming from this side over here."

"Which way do I go? To the left?"

"Right. And be ready, because this time I'm going to fight back more."

You weren't quite sure how it happened, though. The sweep of his arm, as you put all your weight to the left, resulted in you losing your balance and toppling over the follow-through of his leg, your arms to the side and unable to get forward quickly enough to brace yourself as your head made a beeline for the edge of the coffee table.

The impact it made felt as though someone had hammered a nail into the top of your forehead. You yelped, hand now free so that it could jump to the spot of impact.

Matt's reaction was visceral; like a TSA agent oddly eager to frisk, he had his hands out and seeking the exact spot where your forehead currently felt like the site of an excavation. "Dammit, I'm sorry — are you okay?"

"I'm okay. Sorry. I didn't think that would happen."

"Why'd you go left?"

"You told me to go left."

"No, I said right."

You snorted despite yourself, closing your eyes against the ebbs of pain. "I interpreted 'right' as 'correct'. My bad."

"No, it's my bad, I should have—"

"Not your fault at all," you managed, brushing at your head. You expected blood, but it was dry. "Just a bump. I should have seen that coming."

"You probably have a concussion." Matt's tone was strangled, his left hand cupping the back of your head while his right grazed the bump. "I could call Claire, and have her come over—"

"Uh, no." The thought of having Matt's practically on-call nurse drop everything she was doing to come help you was mortifying. "I don't even think I have a concussion. Ask me my name. Bet I can ace any question you've got." Physically you pulled his hand away from your head. "Matt, really. It's okay."

"You're trying to mollify me."

"You're too worried," you said playfully. "It'll take more than a little bump to take me out. If you can get sliced up by the Yakuza, I think I can handle a love tap from the coffee table."

"That wasn't a love tap. I could hear the impact on your skull. And I can feel the heat already from the bruise forming."

"See, we don't need Claire. I'll never need to go to a hospital again with you around." You patted at your head and ignored the accompanying stab of pain that would otherwise have made you flinch if Matt wasn't there to detect it. "Can we go through the move again?"

"No."

"But you were the one who wanted me to learn in the first place."

"We'll go to Fogwell's another time," he said. "Someplace with floor mats and no sharp coffee table edges."

You rolled your eyes, but you could already see that his mind wasn't going to budge. He sat in a crouch, his head still tilted towards you as though he couldn't help keeping a constant monitor on your head, and it struck you, with the position he was currently in, how easy it would be to knock him over.

"Cow tipping!" you hollered at him, diving forward and throwing all of your weight against his side; from his crouched position on the tips of his feet, there was nowhere to go but sideways, and for one delicious microsecond, Matt Murdock, the same man you had seen balance precariously on fire escapes and jump nimbly from roof to roof, was forced to fumble his arms out in time to catch himself as he fell to his left. You leapt atop him, straddling his chest with your knees.

"You took down a blind man who was trying to help you," he mocked. "Shame on you. Were you faking the head pain, too?"

"I'm not that devious," you said. "Say mercy and I'll let you go."

Matt tipped his head back against the floor, his eyes reflecting the evening sunlight as it came out from behind the clouds. Without seeming to notice, his hands crept up the outside of your thighs, making goosebumps prickle on your skin. "You think that I need your acquiescence in order to get up?"

You leaned forward, pressing your hands against his shoulders. The muscles tensed under your fingertips, the biceps under your thumbs ready to spring into action at any moment. "As far as I'm concerned, right now I've conquered you, and if anyone were to see us then I think they'd agree with me."

"It's touching to see how much this means for you," he said. "I'll let you enjoy your victory for a bit longer."

"And then?"

"And then I get to win." His voice was lower, reminiscent of the devil, and your stomach dropped. Still you could feel the muscles poised under your hands, and you could feel your blood rising into your cheeks as his own hands crept lower.

You egged him on. "You can try," you said. "I'm warning you, though, that I could beat you whenever I want, easily. I just like to pretend I'm not as strong as I actually am. Wouldn't want to hurt the ego of Daredevil."

"Of course. How thoughtful of you, sweetheart."

"Yeah, you know me."

"I'm guessing that was you who took down the trafficking ring a few nights ago, then? Left all those men unconscious in the alley?"

"Uh, obviously." You leaned in closer. "That's why you've got to play nice, Murdock. If I get mad, I might just go all Hulkish on you and you'll be begging for my mercy—"

Quickly enough that you jumped, startled, Matt rolled out from underneath you with even more ease than you would have expected, and with a swift grab of your wrists, he pinned you down beneath him, just like earlier when you sparred.

"You were saying?" he asked, grinning. Immediately you tried the move that had worked on him previously — he definitely was going easy on you earlier, then — but this time he blocked it. You scowled, and tried again; once more it yielded nothing.

"You're not getting up until you make some amendments to what you were saying, Y/N."

"Well, let me clarify," you began, and Matt's lips lifted upwards as he began to smirk.

Nope. He's not getting any satisfaction yet.

"I'm currently giving you the impression that you've won," you continued, and his expression shifted, as though he were trying not to laugh. "It's an important part of keeping your ego up, of course. Every so often I like to give you these little nuggets of delusion."

"Nuggets of delusion," Matt repeated.

"Sure. I'm selective with them. But when I feel like you need a bit of a self-esteem boost, then bam, you've got it. So right now, I'm giving you a nugget. It's all part of my strategy." You lay beneath him, the floor hard on your back, as he seemed to mull over what his response was going to be.

Instead, he simply took your wrists and moved them above your head, where he pinned both to the floor with his left hand and then moved his right hand down to your throat.

"What?" you managed. "You don't like delusion nuggets?"

"I want you to admit you're lying."

"But you already know I'm lying."

"I want the verbal confession."

"I confess to nothing," you said stubbornly, your heart picking up as his thumb brushed over the center of your throat.

"Try again, sweetheart. And remember that I know where you're most ticklish."

"Uh... you are by far the strongest man I've ever met and I could never compare to you?"

"And what else?"

"I love you?" you said, your voice higher than usual, because damn, Matt leaning directly above you was distracting.

"Better." He released your wrists and pulled you up into him.

You buried your head into his chest, sighing. "Can't believe you just tackled a concussed person to the floor."

"That was not a tackle. That was... one percent effort. Even half a percent." He paused a moment. "And you said the bump wasn't anything to be concerned about."

"Mm. Did I lie?" you asked him, kissing his hand.

"No," he admitted. "But I still don't trust you."

"You shouldn't. Because the next time you're tying your shoes, or cleaning out underneath the oven or something, I'm totally going to cow tip you again."

"Seriously? 'Cow tipping'? Did you make that up?"

"For a guy who knows everything, I'm appalled you don't know what cow tipping is."

"Please tell me you've never actually shoved a real cow over."

"You really do think poorly of me," you said, stretching. "Just you wait, Murdock. When you least expect it, you shall be cow tipped again. Just you wait."

[lunardeao3]

Hello, I need to talk to you

In addition to make me sound like a gf about to break up with you, it turns out I actually have something important to tell you.

For as long as I can remember, I've been dealing with severe depression which I don't really talk about because I don't really see the point in exposing myself like that. However, I know I have built myself a small community thanks to my fics on AO3 (yes, it's very small but still, you guys exist) and I'm incredibly thankful for your support but I also know it comes with expectations which, all in all, are more than legit. I have failed you guys a lot this year; my schedule is a mess (there's no schedule at all anymore), I haven't updated certain fics in forever and I take ages to reply when you comment when I used to answer fast before.

The reason to that is because I've been struggling a lot more than usual since last December with my mental health. I haven't posted as much as I'd like, as often as I'd like either. Hell, it's barely if I could write at all this year. I regularly receive comments and texts asking me when the next update is gonna be and although it makes me feel happy to see my content makes you craving for more, I'm not gonna lie, I feel bad reading these cause I'd love to give you more, so much more, but my health doesn't permit it.

Without giving too much details, I have been stuck in a hypersomnia phase since February/March on top of the rest of my usual symptoms which means I sleep around 13 up to 18h a day. I am in a constant low level of energy and tiredness which I don't seem to be able to get rid of for some reasons. And where I could write chapters and chapters while having insomnias, it's honestly impossible for me to produce anything good when I go through hypersomnia. It's like I'm constantly drowsy and nothing good can come out of this.

Honest, I even considered deleting the on-going fics I haven't updated in too long so you wouldn't be expecting another chapter soon. I would've obviously reuploaded them as soon as they were completed but I know some of you wouldn't have liked it to see them disappear so I kept them up despite the lack of updates.

I really didn't want to make that post, it's incredibly embarrassing for me and it sounds like I'm complaining, which I am not. I just thought that after over 6 months of struggles, it doesn't seem like it's going to get any better soon and so because I respect you, I think I needed to be honest about it. Thank you for your love and support through the years, I appreciate every single comments you guys leave on my works and feel grateful for the interactions we have and I'm deeply sorry these became more and more seldom.

I basically make this post to explain why there's a lack of updates but still expect them to come scarcely. I am not giving up on my fics, they all still mean a lot to me, but I can't tell when I'll post anymore cause it really depends on my energy which is not something I have control over.

The last chapter of the second year of Downfall should be coming soon by the way, I've been working on it for a little bit over a week (it makes me sick to say that when I used to do it in one day 💀). Keep an eye out for the update!

[genopaint]

The long awaited Week 10 of Daily Dragons! Like the last post, I just didn't really get the chance to post these cause my laptop was packed up and what not. But it's finally here for your viewing pleasure :)

As always you can follow me on twitter where they’re posted daily

And read more info on each of them below the cut

Daily Dragon #63 - Seal Dragon

These large, semi aquatic dragons are often seen basking on rocky shores. When hungry, the largest in a pack will swim into the ocean, hunt large animals like whales, and bring them back to shore for the whole pack to eat

I had a concept for a walrus like dragon but ultimately this isn't exactly what I had in mind. However, I do kinda like it! So you can expect to see at least one more seal-esc dragon in the future i guess lol

Daily Dragon #64 - Flying Dragon

As the name suggests, these dragons are ALWAYS in flight! They only land when they need to sleep, but are actually able to go surprisingly long times without needing any rest at all. Sometimes even multiple days!

Up and early with dragons these last few days aha Another redraw! I keep seeing it while looking at the other dragons for a hot minute so I wanted to tackle it too! I think it's actually from 2011-2012 like the Ghouldrogon because... Well they were on the same sheet of paper!

Daily Dragon #65 - Magon

The first Wario dragon! There's actually quite a few in his series. Lately I've been thinking about Wario Land/World/MoD for a while now. They're some of my favorite games and it might honestly be time for me to replay them

I played all the Wario games back in highschool so it's been a hot hot minute. But I really do like them all. They're all good as hell even (especially) Master of Disguise which is so underappreciated

Daily Dragon #66 - Snoozozaur

This dragon lives and breathes for one thing and one this only: sleeping! Rarely ever waking up, only for occasional food and water, they can actually sleep walk and sleep fight using what scientists believe to be some type of psychic ability. Additionally, they can levitate! Meaning they can comfortably sleep ANYWHERE!

Daily Dragon #67 - Shrine Dragon

This dragon is frequently seen guiding heroes of all kinds to temples and shrines important to their quests. If you're looking for a secret dungeon in a large area and spot one flying in the sky, it's in your best interest to follow it!

Daily Dragon #68 - Green Dragon

Thank you for all your amazing monsters and characters over the years, Mr. Toriyama!!

The more I keep thinking about it the more it's making me sad. Chrono Trigger's character designs were SO influential on me growing up. And the design for Arasu is SO important to RPG protagonists that I had OCs inspired by him before I even saw the character. And yeah, of course, Blue Dragon has always been a very important game to me even when I was a tiny child who couldn't afford an Xbox 360.

Daily Dragon #69 - Cuddlodon

A dragon that just loves being friendly and playful! They have some very basic combat skills like small fire balls and teeth, but why would you ever want to fight one? Come on, don't be mean to them :(

Really really low energy today. I wanted to do a Super Mario RPG celebration dragon, but I have something big in mind for the SMRPG dragon so I want to save it for when I'm less busy. Instead, today I redrew this fella from 2012: The Cuddly Dragon!

And of course, in 2024 (that's 12 years later holy hell!!) they come in multiple colors :)

[flowersandbirdsflyingfree]

Hiii ✨️ I saw your idea for a character pep-talk and thought it was a wonderful idea! I've been having a hard time recently myself and I've been missing Dempsey like crazy..

My character is Primis Dempsey of course 🩷

Anyways, I'm a 20 y/o redhead. I'm fairly tall, which I'm kinda insecure about.. I tend to wear lots of frilly floral dresses. I like the cosy cottagecore vibe. I'm generally very shy and tend to keep quiet most of the time, but I can be very bubbly around people I'm comfortable with. I love to create, mostly writing, drawing, and painting, and I take pride in my work. However, I tend to worry that sometimes my will to be very quiet is such a negative thing as it often deters people from sticking around. Sometimes, I isolate myself when I'm feeling such low self-esteem as a way of keeping out of others' way, and I fear that my communication skills would only make it hard to explain it all...

Anyways I hope this is okay. Almost feel like I vented too much... Feel free to ignore this if I kinda got the idea wrong...

Hope you're well 🩷 I love your work. Keep it up!

I greatly appreciate this my friendly anon! I'm glad my writing brings you joy. Let’s get you and Tank Dempsey back on the road, shall we?💖💖💖

How could he not love such a darling?! Your cottagecore vibes are so refreshingly genuine. You’re beautiful in the way the sun melts a soft yet radiant glow over the horizon. The way flowers bloom after the coarse, blustery months of winter. An epiphany that there is still a beacon of hope in this world worth protecting. And that hope is you.

The balance between your bubbly persona and shyer self has him magnetically drawn towards you. He's always wanted someone like you in his life, yet worried he was too brutish and clumsy to be able to impress you. Once he confessed, he was pleasantly surprised to know that you felt the same way.

Tank didn't expect himself to have your gentleness grace his life in such a beautiful way. He's more appreciative of life because of you. He rarely ever talks about the things that keeps him up at night, but the little picnics you two had on a meadow have been so special to him. He hopes every soft kiss he plants on you shows appreciation for helping him ground more.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet at all! He finds your presence speaks more volume in a comforting way. You both work as an opposites attract dynamic. Others compare you as the sun and the moon, coming together to prepare a breathtaking eclipse.

Tank will respect if you ever need time to recharge energy in your own space. But he always finds ways to show you he cares. He's a patient man that loves you just the way you are. He will drop off gifts or try to call you on the telephone for check-ins.

If you two are living in together, he tells you that he would always welcome you in open arms if you ever need his strong arms to hold you close to him.

Believe me, Tank's highest valued trait is his loyalty. He's your ride or die for life. And he knows you're a very good woman who's there for him too. You've made such an effort to be there for him in his own hardships. Have peace in your heart knowing he loves you so much.

[fereldanwench]

(I feel the need to make a small disclaimer: I am going to be talking about my perceptions about the CP77 fandom culture, some of which might be critical in nature, but this is not a call-out post on an individual or community scale. This is just me sharing some personal reflections. I suspect I'm not totally alone in some of this, but as always, YMMV.

Also, pleasepleaseplease do not feel bad or guilty for reaching out to me or tagging me in stuff or whatever--It means a lot to me that folks wanna chat and connect, and normally I'm 100% down, but I just need to clear my head a bit.)

So I've been ruminating a lot over the past few weeks about my ability to maintain a certain level of activity when it comes to fandom stuff, and I've concluded that my fandom social battery is really, really low.

I'm having a hard time keeping up with DMs, I'm having a hard time keeping up with tag games, I'm having a hard time keeping up with asks, I'm having a hard time keeping up with all the awesome stuff y'all are making--I'm just burnt out socially. And normally I would just take a social media break, but I think this is coming from deeper personal issues that a week offline isn't going to fix.

I've never been in a fandom before where I felt like there was this expectation to keep up with just about every single person in the community. It might be a false expectation I'm putting on myself, but given that I've seen other people apologize for not being able to keep up with posts or apologize for not having the spoons to leave nice tags on reblogs, I don't think this is just a me problem.

The CP77 fandom is relatively small compared to many of my other fandoms, like Dragon Age or Mass Effect, which I think can make it feel like keeping up with a good chunk of the community is totally feasible. For instance, I knew I could never dream of seeing all the DA content on Tumblr, so I never even made the effort to, but I know I can probably get just about everyone who posts in the femvfriday hastag by a certain time. So I often felt like I should do that, especially if I posted in the tag that Friday, too.

But the CP77 fandom is also really active, I think in large part due to the accessibility of photomode and virtual photography. I hope it's clear that I'm not saying this to diminish the value of VP, and obviously, everyone's mileage may vary based on personal technique and other artistic experience, but from my perspective, it does in general seem to be a quicker medium than traditional art or fic. I love the creativity of this community, but I actually can't feasibly keep up with everything everyone is doing all the time.

I made sort of a similar post last fall about the self-imposed pressure of having to create new things on a regular basis. At the time, I was grappling with losing a lot of personal time and brain power after having COVID in September and then working overtime in October, and I wasn't able to make stuff at the rate I had previously. I knew it was ridiculous, I knew no one was like "omg wench didn't post today, shame on her," but there was still FOMO on my part. I also felt like I had lost something I had previously had (specifically the time and energy to create) on account of shitty circumstances, which compounded my frustration.

I've been trying to tell myself that feeling guilty for not having the energy to reply to DMs in a timely fashion or to reblog every femvfriday post is just as silly and self-imposed, and that I don't need to explain to anyone that I just don't have the energy to participate like that right now. I've always been a very strong advocate for people using Tumblr how they want, and while yes, doing things like reblogging posts is a great way to connect with other people and show appreciation to fellow creators and I do encourage people who want to be a part of a community to do these things, it should never feel like an obligation. (The commentary on this post absolutely nails it for me.)

But this guilt and anxiety are harder to shake. Even in my very early days in the CP77 fandom, I noticed that it seemed very transactional to me. And to a point that makes sense, and I think is at least somewhat the result of Tumblr's functionality: you are going to be more likely to notice people who notice you and by extension to support people who support you. I don't think it's inherently a bad thing, but I think it can become one if there's no deeper connection after a certain point, especially if people start to feel like there's an imbalance in the transaction.

The gossipy nature of this fandom can make that even worse--It can be pretty easy to notice a drop-off in activity from someone who might have previously been very supportive and then spiral from "it's just because they're busy, it's fine" to "they're not interacting with me anymore because they heard something bad about me and now they hate me." (I've been on both sides of that one.) There are also a lot of assumptions about cliques and friendships and who's interacting with whom because of fandom politics or whatever that add another layer of stress and confusion here.

So for the past few weeks, every time I go to reblog a post or reply to a comment or consider who to tag after doing a tag game, all of this is weighing on me. Even if it's stupid, even if it's self-imposed, this is what is on my mind.

And what that's been resulting in is largely just not wanting to interact at all. Sometimes it would even make me feel guilty about posting my own stuff if I hadn't interacted with anyone else's in a while, as if I need to support other people in order to earn the privilege to share my own work. And this is of course reflective of much deeper issues I have (read: eldest daughter syndrome) than just fandom nonsense--I'm not putting this one on fandom at all--But it's a thing I deal with.

At some point in the past six month or so, I really lost sight of what this blog is really for, and that's for me. I do generally like interacting with the fandom at large, and I like organizing things and sharing resources that I think can be helpful for folks (especially since I really struggled with how much knowledge was locked behind Discord servers), but my blog is not actually a space for the CP77 community. It is for me, first and foremost, and I need to make it for me again.

I don't know exactly what that's gonna look like. I still consider CP77 my main fandom, and I don't really have much inclination to create or engage in other fictional worlds right now so it might not really look that much different. And I'm hoping that by removing some of this stress, it'll actually recharge my social battery so I can be better at doing the fun stuff like chatting about OCs and shippy stuff with friends.

But my activity here will probably be a lot more erratic as I reclaim this as a happy space for myself.

So that's it. And as always, if you read all of my personal problems, thank you, lmao. I know I'm ridiculous, and it's not that serious, and blah blah blah but THIS IS HOW I WORK THROUGH SHIT OKAY thx

[inahc3]

Writing update

Tl;dr: I'm taking a break from posting new chapters for a month or so. Not gonna stop writing completely, just focusing on RL for a bit.

Longer version:

Here's me the last three-ish weeks:

(side note: the tumblr gif selector will not give me that gif, wtf, I had to use the android keyboard one.)

Anyways. I've been trying to do too much, while also trying to pace myself, and something's gotta give. RL has been busier than expected, my health hasn't been as good as I'd hoped, every good thing also takes up time and energy, and while I'm not drowning in stuff, I feel like I've been treading water at best.

Several of my favourite fanfics updated in the last few days, I don't think I've read any of them, and when the latest ao3 email came in, I didn't feel happy, I felt overwhelmed. 🫠

So, as much as I want to be writing, and I want to hit that monthly update goal that feels like such a goddamn low bar, I'm gonna take a step back and regroup instead. I suspect I'm the only person who's actually upset by this - after all, when other writers say they might not be able to update for a bit, I always want them to put their health and stuff first, and I'll still be here to celebrate that ao3 email when they're back. So I'm gonna try and take my own advice. 😅

I hope I'll still be able to write a little now and then, I just won't push myself to do any editing, and nothing will be posted. Hopefully I'll have a nice collection of scenes to stitch together once life is quiet enough to come back to it.

I like writing. I like my stories. I want to keep liking them, so I'm gonna take a break before I burn out. (I'm gonna go be sad and grumpy about it for a bit because I really didn't fucking want to need a break. But I'll do it, because I've burnt out enough times to know what I need.)

[argonianprince]

I've officially given up on trying to play Nancy Drew: Mystery of the Seven Keys.

I really wanted to like it, so badly. I tried not to have too many expectations. I bought it because I saw a lot of people saying it wasn't like the old ND games, but it was still "a step in the right direction."

Honestly it feels more like a cop-out, and a bland stab at keeping the company open. If it hadn't been an ND game I would have put it down after 20 minutes. I made it a couple hours in.

There were too many little problems and quality issues to list. The main issues though:

Nancy's new VA didn't do a good job. She sounds so bored and like she doesn't know why she bothered to come into the studio to record lines. She did a bad job in Midnight in Salem as well, and a bunch of fans were like, oh just give her time to adjust, she did better in another game, don't be discouraging, show her support. Well.. I think it's insulting that she brought such low energy and no enthusiasm or real skill to the second game in a row. She's obviously not a good fit for this role. Find someone who cares about bringing this beloved character to life and doing her justice.

The music is so generic and unfeeling. The music in older games was so beautiful, distinct, memorable, it gives me happy chemicals immediately when I hear the music from specific favorite games. Nothing like that to be found in KEY.

The hint system is BORING AS FUCK and doesn't even provide hints for half the confusing, counter-intuitive nonsense in this game. The recurring side characters insisting on being reached only by text and not being able to phone friends was cheap and boring and disappointing.

I hit a glitch 40 minutes into playing, which is SO unacceptable for a 30+ dollar game. If not for being able to switch movement types and then switch back, I would have had to start all over.

HerInteractive has apparently decided that there needed to be lots of non-interacteble NPCs all around. Which is a huge departure, but fine. Except that said NPCs were all obvious repeats of the same ~7 character models. So the opening plaza and cafe would have like 4 versions of the same very distinct human standing around. It was distracting and felt insulting to my observation skills.

The non-Nancy VAs did a good job, excluding the really bad fake accents, but the dialogue was so weird and boring and stilted that the talent couldn't make up for it.

The game didn't tell me directly that you could press the shift key to sprint, I learned that from a random loading screen, so I spent most of the time at a crawl.

I had to stop using the "classic" movement mode. It was poorly implemented and didn't allow me to actually look closely at everything I needed to. Then the new free-move mode is the exact kind that gives me motion sickness, which limited my play sessions drastically.

There are so many things that made the game seem poorly thought out, like they didn't bother finding professional writers to plot out events and conversations. It also seems like they didn't find outside beta testers, because again, the number of major and minor problems was just through the roof and it was not fun to play for me. Most of the separate components that make up the game feel almost amateurish.

This is one for the minor complaint category but it bothers me so much. Just.. The obvious lack of effort. A ton of the self space in this cafe/bookstore in the starting location was just EMPTY. Like a quarter of a shelves. Nothing. Not even small cute decorations to compensate for the absence of books.

I was happy to support the company when we got the game, but after experiencing it, I'm sorry to have wasted the money on a game company that doesn't deserve it.

As my girlfriend just pointed out: HerInteractive fired the voice actors (including Nancy's iconic VA), fired the writers, fired the artists and programmers that made the old games incredible and memorable and special. Is it REALLY HerInteractive as we knew it anymore? No.

I'm sad that fans are cutting this game so much slack. If it weren't a Nancy Drew property, there would be no question that it's a mid game at best, and definitely not worth 32$USD. I think it's okay not to support this company anymore. As long as the old (good) games are available to play, maybe it's time to admit that someone else would be a better fit for creating Nancy Drew PC mysteries. The HerInteractive we knew and loved is not around anymore. I'm going to try to come to terms with that, and mourn the loss.

This shell of a developer that still exists doesn't deserve our money, or our collective benefit of the doubt. They are trying to sell us sub par products, while wearing the mask of a game series that was, and still is, important and foundational and cherished by so many fans.

I'm really glad that the old games still exist so we can have an amazing time re-playing them, until someone who actually cares creates another top-tier point and click mystery series

[requiemofrebellion]

just a small lil update:

i've written this ooc post, backspaced and rewritten it like... 5 times now cause words are hard.

i wanted to give a small update on blog + ooc activity. i am feeling really overwhelmed, some stress with what i got to do here as i wasn't keeping up with stuff while i had visitors here in sep and i expected to bounce back early oct and that didn't happen due to just burnout with said visitors for the whole month of sep. but i am also having life stress outside of rp which is the main impact of my feeling of being overwhelmed. so... as things still progress slowly as i try to get caught up, my ooc communication is going to be barely present for this week and maybe next week- depending on where i am at mentally.

this means that i will be directing all my energy into catching up on blog stuff, so i can get a starter call out for new moots and reblog memes again once my numbers here have gone down and i feel back on my routine. i was trying to balance out ooc communication cause i love talking to you all! but i've been finding out i'm not really able to balance it out cause both blog stuff and ooc stuff takes my energy and i been very low on it. so i decided to put ooc things on hold, this doesn't mean you can't talk to me - just know i'm gonna be really slow or may not answer and it isn't cause i don't wanna talk, just trying to focus energy on other things... I don't know how to word this so i hope this all makes sense....

i am really sorry everyone about just like having to pick one or the other right now. if i didn't have the real life stress i wouldn't be having to do this x.x so i hope you all understand and i hope this didn't come off weird. i tried wording it in the best way possible.

JUST PLEASE KNOW I THINK YOU ALL ARE AMAZING BEANS AND I SEND YOU ALL THE GOOD VIBES AND STUFF. And once i get caught up with my blog, i will be back around again ooc wise!

[againstthegrainphoto]

man, I've been so busy I've hardly had time to process that the Kraken season is over...so buckle up, this gon be a long one...I'm so grateful to have found hockey, which has taken the place as my main source of serotonin since the music scene has become such a shit show and my favorite bands have become accumulating disappointments. I'm so grateful to have met the people I have because of this team. I'm grateful that I have personally grown as a photographer because of this team. I've never photoed sports of any kind prior to this....aside from my mom making me photo my sister when she did collage basketball....and it's such a completely different monster from concert photog, but also super fulfilling. Plus, I am literally just a fan with a camera, I have no obligation to share anything, I owe no one any of the shots, I take these photos for 127% of my own enjoyment. If there is a shot of my Favorite™ I want to keep for me, I can and will keep it for me and my close friends only. Which is surprisingly freeing and a good feeling. That considered.....I took a few minutes to throw together a photo summary of my Kraken encounters this season. I've been hoarding photos all season to hopefully get me through the off season with minimal withdrawals....so you can expect more photos to trickle through this account as the offseason wears on.

11/8/22: kraken v predators. lars doing lars things. unfortunately geeks was clearly caught in friendly fire. W 5-1.

11/9/22: Tanev at practice.

12/17/22: Geekie and Burky at practice.

1/16/23: Kraken v lightning. kraken ice is so pretty. L 1-4.

1/21/23: Eberly and Jones at practice....jonesy says gtfo.

1/22/23: Kraken Skills Challenge: Lars & Dunner. I just think they're neat.

2/20/23: Sharks v Kraken: McCann. Being able to visit my best fren and have her take me to see her team play my team in her city was the highlight of my year. The score, however, was not. L 0-4.

3/9/23: kraken v senators. I absolutely would not want to be that guy. lol. but it was such a frustrating game. L 5-4.

3/29/23: Gourde having a good time at practice.

4/1/23: My favorite Dunner doing my favorite Dunner things at practice.

4/3/23: Kraken v coyotes. After a team celly I some how caught Matty tripping over his own skates....don't worry, in the next shot he was laughing so hard about this. W 8-1.

4/6/23: Kraken v coyotes. Being at this game was memories I will never forget. From the people in front of me lifting an infant in my line of view, to the row of girls behind me who were there for I'm not sure what reason, but clearly had no idea hockey was even a sport before this day, to the dude on my right man sitting next to me, to the fact I was sick af and snotting in my mask(not covid, I tested like 80 times that week)....none of that hindered my joy of seeing the squid squad clinch a playoff spot. So much happy. big W 4-2.

4/13/22: The last practice this season I was able to go to. so you get some love for Gru.

4/24/23: kraken v avalanche game 4: I didn't think I'd ever be able to be able to go to a playoff game, but my haunting of the apps plus the fact I got an alaska check in april allowed me to be able to see this game in person. It was a wild ride. Seeing Canner get hurt was one of the worst things ever. Seeing Ebs score the ot winner one of the best things ever. By this time in the season I acknowledge that Sprong's absolute madman, cryptid, gremlin energies have grown on me like mold and I've become overly fond of him. I will be very Sad™ if they don't keep him. (and I wonder where that gum ended up....) W 3-2.

5/13/23: Kraken v stars game 6. I thought my personal season had ended and I wouldn't get to see them until next season. But because they lost the game prior it caused ticket prices to plummet and I was able to scoop one up for an insanely low price. I'm so very very very glad I did. It was probably my favorite game I went to this year. It was the win that forced game 7. It also ended up being the last home game of the entire season. So special. W 6-3.

I'm so thankful to the Kraken for giving everyone...the fans, the city, the team, the game, THEMSELVES....the season they did. Seeing them the first year while not even knowing what a power play was....but also knowing that those passes should probably connect to other kraken players.....to seeing them fucking dominating like they did this year has been one of the funnest things I've taken part of in the city of seattle in the past decade. Being able to roll out of bed and drive down the street to see (and photo) them practice is one of my favorite things to do. And the game skates.....also one of my favorite things. And buoy....boy did I have some questions and concerns when they first unveiled him....but now, I'm completely smitten. I adore him. He's perfect. A perfect ball of high strung anxiety that is just right for seattle.

And I'm thankful for all you kraken/hockey fans who have followed and interacted with me here. It was an awesome season and I can't wait for the next.

[leopardom]

i've been listening to everybody's waiting and best year of my life on loop since they got released last midnight and oh boy the feeling i get from both songs is quite heavy but also... liberating??

why heavy? well, last year was anything but the best year of my life. it pretty much started with me realising (with some help) that i had fallen in love and, long story short, i got my heart broken very badly. at the same time, my mental health was deteriorating and as a result i started closing up and also lost one of the closest people to me. we're in good terms now, but never talked about what happened and we drifted apart like that. and it's been almost a year ever since

while losing that close connection with my friend proved to be helpful, the road to accepting this along with other things was very painful and i had to mask any negative feeling i had in order to keep functioning somehow and not make the rest of the people close to me uncomfortable. and i also had to focus on my thesis in order to finally get my bachelor's. and i did. but along with the new lows i had reached mentally, i reached and passed the point of burnout

my close ones were supporting me through my rants and i'll always be gratefull for that. but at the same time they still were telling me how good it would be when i'd be done with uni and how i would be able to get a proper job and make my own money and maybe do a master's etc. they all were waiting for something, they were waiting for more than i was already doing. they had been waiting for more than 3 years actually, but last year i was a lot closer to the goal and the pressure grew a lot bigger. and all the support i had was coming from a distance, i was still all by myself most of the time

from April til the beginning of July i was breaking down on a very regular basis, the panic attacks also became more frequent and my mental health was at the very bottom. and i couldn't even go to therapy anymore because i didn't have any time or energy for that. in the span of three months i had changed so much both physically and mentally that it made my head hurt and i couldn't process it

all i wanted was a hug from someone and to be told that i'll be okay. i didn't want everyone to tell me how things will be as soon as i graduate and how free i will feel yada yada. i only wanted a fucking hug, which i never got

after defending my thesis and graduating i blacked out completely. i can't remember myself feeling anything for the next couple of months. i only had a brief break when i went to Helsinki in September, attended all three of the jo finnish gigs and got to spend time with my friends in Finland. and when i got back from that trip i blacked out again. now i have a job and i make some money, but mentally i haven't recovered from the burnout and the high pressure. and people are still expecting things from me, from my students to my family to my friends to myself

lately, however, i kind of have started feeling again. my feelings are not usually nice and i cry a lot, but now there are days when i think that maybe things will get better with time and maybe i'll get there. a few months ago i didn't want to do anything at all and i was acting like a robot. now i want to do things, i'm trying as much as i can to do things that give me a serotonin boost so i won't have to rely only on my meds

to conclude, i still haven't gotten that hug i wanted so bad all these months ago. i'm not gonna lie, i still want it. but these two songs feel like that hug now. everybody's waiting is telling me that i'm not alone in this, there are people like me out there and we manage one way or another. best year of my life is telling me that i may have been and still am a mess, but you never know. maybe something different and even better is yet to come. and i have to be here to see it

[clatterbane]

Having to forcibly remind myself again that eating some food is better than just not eating.

I am currently having more trouble than usual lately with swallowing in between throat Roto-Rooter appointments (next one is in a week 😬), so of course the ED Jerkbrain has been telling me pretty loudly today that it's a good opportunity to, you know, just not eat. I did get something light for lunch and one small snack of leftovers since then, where I didn't even need to grab any extra insulin to cover it.

Couldn't quite force myself to make what I had already planned for a shared supper, and sorta felt like crap about that even if nobody else has any firm expectation there these days. We have both mostly gotten used to foraging on our own, for various reasons. (Not least, my not being able to handle solid food at all for better than a year there. Which also kinda did my head in, yeah, but I have mostly clawed my way back both mentally and physically.)

But yeah, this is just plain ridiculous and I am actually pretty hungry at what I guess would translate to around 8-9 p.m. for most people on a more typicality diurnal schedule. I've had less than the equivalent of a "normal" meal all day.

So, I felt an urge--and had enough shreds of sanity left--to grab for one of my new standard very low spoons go-to meals that's easy to break down and swallow when I am having trouble. I frankly almost got turned completely off mashed potatoes, as much as I have always loved them, while purees were basically a best case nutritional scenario.

But, I did decide to go for a mug of basic instant taters with plenty of butter, with half a can of extremely soft and smooth-textured Swedish fish balls in a dill cream sauce.

"MADE FROM FINE FISH"

It's easy protein and energy, and I actually quite like them even if I have mainly been keeping a can on hand as Desperation Food. Another of those things that feels like comfort food, when I never tried it before moving here--and getting capable of eating even something that close to a puree again.

(Unlike this guy with his tasting series, trying all the different kinds of fish balls he could find in stores near him. Which was more than a few! Testing them all cold, straight out of the package. And more than a little "cat food" commentary ensues. As I recall, he did offer some to his kitty at one point.)

Where "mat" means food. I found his videos entertaining even before we got here and my listening comprehension picked up more.

Wasn't really expecting to need the backup supplies when the actually mostly competent and regular treatment has been keeping me able to eat better for a good while now. But yeah, it unfortunately still seems to occasionally turn relevant. And I am sure I will enjoy them when I do actually make myself eat.

I may still microwave some frozen broccoli or cauliflower pretty soft, and have that too. But, in spite of what Jerkbrain has been telling me? It is much better to go ahead and eat other stuff, with or without the non-potato vegetables.

[lavenderandlaurel]

lol I haven't posted in this tag since may but here we go. long rambling thoughts about 2022:

2022 was a big year for me, which is weird because it doesn't really feel that way. I started the year in a very different mental and emotional place than where I am now, and a lot of the goals I set and things I expected to change just haven't been as relevant as I anticipated. for better and for worse, I'm at the same job and in the same apartment I was a year ago. it seems likely that will be the case at the end of 2023, too.

but under the surface, a lot of things have changed. I started a major solo project at work (as opposed to juggling half a dozen smaller projects), and I got some accommodations that mean I'm a lot less worn out in all the other areas of my life. I completed my conversion to judaism. I started applying to phd programs, then changed my mind, decided to pursue independent research, and started a new creative nonfiction project that may or may not be a book someday. I've also taken on some new responsibilities, not all of them totally planned - team leader for an organization I started volunteering with last january, committee member for a professional organization I'm active in. I've been gradually getting better at being consistent and following through on some of the side projects I say yes to.

having more energy outside of work (relatively speaking) means I've been able to be more intentional with my hobbies, which I'm starting to have rather a lot of. I kept up bouldering from last year, more or less, and in the summer started looking for a kung fu gym to get back into martial arts, which I haven't done for years but have missed a lot. I am really loving the school and style (mantis) where I landed. at this point I am probably in the best shape I've been since sophomore year of high school, though it strikes me that I had to find solutions for my chronic fatigue before I could make regular exercise happen. I do think it contributes to me having more energy, but there's no way I could have been this active last year and still worked full time.

I didn't write as much fiction as I'd hoped this year - only about 50,000 words total, and I haven't posted at all. on the other hand, I'm still happily working on the same projects I was at the beginning of the year, which is truly unprecedented. the goal is definitely to finish at least one of them this year.

I did reach a lot of my language-learning goals, including finishing the chinese tree on duolingo, getting comfortable with the hebrew alphabet, and finding ways to keep up my spanish. on the other hand, I haven't been cooking or practicing piano much - possibly because I haven't been trying much in the way of new things and am getting a little bored.

I've read 64 books this year and will probably finish another two or three before the end of the year, exceeding my (low, for me) goal of 60. a lot of those books were lengthy nonfiction, which may be why the overall number isn't as high as it was a few years ago. I have also been watching a lot more TV, though. 2022 was really the year of the cdrama for me, but there were several other fantastic shows: the sandman, reservation dogs, a league of their own, killing eve. musically, the mountain goats have unsurprisingly stayed my #1 band, but I listened to a wider range of stuff compared to last year (shoutout to my habibi and ibibio sound machine kick of the last couple months). I also tried a couple of new video games, hades and control. I am not good at the third-person shooter format, but it keeps me from destroying things.

the one neglected area of my 2022 goals that I would really like to pick back up in the new year is improvements to my living space, like getting enough shelf space for my books and making sure the kitchen/dining areas stay functional.

[firestormdiaries]

I should be walking. I should. Should be focused on recovery and getting better....

All the anger I've had is coming back and I'm either going to blow up or become a murderer with no concerns given. I can't even begin to tell ppl how often we'll thought out plans have been created and erased in my mind from this anger.

Either I keep occupied, in a cathartic or copacetic state. Or at least humor....or in going to jail....yeah. laugh...but I wasn't joking.

I guess this is the part of coming down from surgery. I've kept positive...on my own. I mean my family is helping but I could do with more than bare minimum and yelling at me when I have an emergency instead of trying to help.

( I had a low sugar emergency and husband in his panic starts yelling at me instead of fucking listening and realizing I did indeed tell him what's wrong.you know why I started sobbing because I realized im STILL on my own, you are no help to me, STILL. A CHILD panics you're a grown ass person fucking use the brain God gave you.)

I SAID I'm cold even though bundled up

And can't get up

The fact that you can barely hear me on the phone is another fucking clue.

Right there, that means, cold, shivering, trouble sitting up,low voice which would mean low energy

Ok that means he needs to get home and assess the situation. See if he can get me to eat or drink etc.

Nope come home screamming what's going on what the hell you have to tell me what's wrong.

Like bitch didn't I just?

I start sobbing because I realize you ARE THAT stupid and I'm fucked. I have to help myself.

How the fuck am I supposed to just not have my emergency and be able to inform you like that.

Sure....how long have you known me....the fact that I trusted you enough to call for help and this is what you do!?

This is why I don't trust you. You're incapable. I still have to do it myself.

This is why I fell to depression before. Part of it

When I'm done healing you can go back to your family. I don't need you. Not if this is it.

14 years, I changed to be better but it is just me.

You had chances, you fucked up. Repeatedly.

You think I still care, yeah, bare minimum. Just like you gave me, bare minimum.

And I've been telling you what I expected you just don't listen

[mxstball]

Check In: Nergal

Heidi and Nergal made it together to the Hall of Origin within the Ruined Kingdom. they walked together through the debris and the rubble towards the Clocktower.

"Thanks for walking with me here, Nergal. You're the only one that would be able to do it, but I still appreciate it."

Nergal shrugged. "I would be coming here, anyway, hun. After all, it is not like I don't have a stake in the result of this fight, either. Whoever wins will be whoever I journey with."

"Right. Either way, you come out the winner." Heidi laughed a little. "Always got a plan for yourself, I guess."

"In a way, yes."

Eventually, the two took a break by sitting near some rubble that resembled a bench together.

"Hey, Nergal. I've... been waiting until now to talk to you about something."

"What is it, Heides?"

"...Well, you've helped me a lot to get through my divorce, but also to help me hone my new abilities as an Arceus. Yet, I know you far too well. If this is what you agreed to with Nami, then you must be getting something in return -- and I don't think it's just me that you'd want. That's too short-term for you, especially if I were to fall."

"...what? Do you believe that I didn't just want you badly enough?"

"...Nergal. You say that as if you knew we would get together. The only thing that you were expecting was to figure out where my Low and High-Powered Forms came from."

Nergal shrugged. "A fair point."

"So, what was it? What else did Nami promise you? I promise that I won't be upset."

"...." Nergal looked towards the Clocktower, but then back to Heidi.

"Well, there was one thing that she promised that you would help me with should you prevail. I wasn't going to tell you until afterwards, but I guess telling you wouldn't hurt to talk about it now considering this may be the last time that we'll get to see each other." Nergal reached in her body before taking out something...

...and giving it to Heidi.

"Huh? What's this?" Heidi held it in her hand as she continued looking at it.

"It's... what humans these days call a Wishing Star. It's imperative to the Dynamax Phenomenon... and is a direct piece of me." Nergal looked nervous for the first time in a while. "Your Arceus... she found this and offered it to me and gave me a promise as part of our contract.... Despite all of my power... everything that I gained during my time with Friede to destroy various worlds, I... there is a part of me that still feels hollow. Friede knows this and wishes to prevent me from completing myself to keep me in line. She only temporarily gives me the power to be completed in times of war, but your Arceus... she promised me that were you to succeed, that you will find a way to complete me, so I may not rely on anyone ever again."

"Complete you..?" Heidi had to think about it. Now that she thinks about it, Heidi remembered fighting Nergal when she was Eternamaxed. "I thought that you were able to Eternamax, considering that I fought you that way 100 years ago."

Nergal shook her head. "It was just a temporary power-up then, and only lasted until after I destroyed the Galar Region."

"Oh... I guess I get why you never used it against me lately, then." Heidi looked back at the Wishing Star. The Dynamax Energy that it radiated was potent but contained. "...and what do you plan to do should I prevail and complete you, Nergal."

Nergal went silent for a moment. A part of he wanted to keep her cards close. Yet, when she did speak, she gave every bit of authority to her love.

"...I'm taking over this world."

"Wait, mine!?"

"No, you idiot! This one. Our old home." Nergal looked to the Clocktower. "With Friede deposed and you in your new home, this world will be without an Arceus to take over. Yet... there is something about this place that... well... still gives me a sense of belonging, you know?" Nergal shook her head. "Don't get me wrong. Your world is nice and all, but--"

Heidi shook her head. "No, I get it. I... still feel a sense of belonging when I'm here, too."

"Mmm..." She looked at Heidi. "After that, who knows? I'm sure that taking this place for myself will keep me busy for a little while as others try to depose me, but," Nergal shrugged. "I'd still like to have it for myself, give the place a little bit of a change, and take some of the latant energy within."

Heidi chuckled. "Maybe we can both be queens of our domain, then~"

Nergal snickered. "In a way, yes... and I will still be there with you, even if I will be a little busier."

The two were quiet for a little while. Heidi continued to hold the Wishing Star in her hand. She knew from the studies about the Dynamax phenomenon, and a little about the fact that Nergal had her own special twist, even if she hadn't fully understood to what extent. Still, to think that Nergal would try to keep this desolate place due to some amount of nostalgia was... touching to say the least.

"...I'll... I promise to help you achieve your goals, Nergal." Heidi gave the Star back to her. "If I make it out of this alive, then I promise that I will complete you so you may take this place."

Nergal accepted her Wishing Star back and returned it where it belonged. "...Thank you, Heidi. I... really appreciate it."

"...Mmm." Heidi let out a sigh. There was still something that she needed to get off her chest.

"...One more thing before I go, Nergal."

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"If... if I do make it out alive and I do help you complete yourself... if for some reason you change your mind about this world and want to stay with me in mine.... The door is open for you. I... I love you, and don't want anything to happen to you. If... if you change your mind, will you... uh... consider joining my world and watching over it with me.... Would you... consider marrying me?"

Nergal flinched for a moment. "Heidi! Asking for my hand in marriage now?"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. We've only been officially dating for like, a few months, but I think that you'reperfect for me... and a great mother to Lati, too. Sure, you've done your fair share of shit for your own fun, but I haven't felt this vulnerable and comfortable around someone other than like Rayquaza and Dinah. Plus, Lati loves you so much. He even calls you mom." She shook her head. "Besides, I'm not sure if I'm going to live this. I... just want to make sure that I have everything off of my chest now, so I can go in there without any burdens or regrets, you know?"

"Mmm." Nergal closed her eyes and sighed.

"...I'll consider your offer should you prevail. If anything, having a place to settle down in and to have someone to welcome me like you is... reassuring at least."

"...Thanks, Nergal." Heidi moved over and turned to Nergal. She wrapped her arms around Nergal and kissed her in the lips. "I love you, Nergal."

"I love you too." Nergal kissed her back. "Now, don't keep Friede waiting. Even if you fail, give her a battle that's worth remembering."

[dzpenumbra]

7/22/23

Geez, feels like July 4 was just yesterday... it's been over 2 weeks.

I don't really have a lot to write about today, honestly. I got a ton of sleep, I'm crediting a shower right before bed. I skipped coffee and went with green tea instead today, I still have a ton of tea... I'm just usually in the habit of making and drinking an entire pot of coffee every day to start my day. Because of that change... I've been much lower energy today. But I do feel much more tired at this point in the night, around 2:30AM, which is good. We'll see if I can keep that going, do like... 2 cups of tea instead of 3-4 cups of coffee.

I skipped yoga today. I'm not really sure why. I think I was just really hungry and just didn't want to wait. Changing one part of a complex ritual like starting my day can make a lot of it start to fall apart. I'm planning to do my yoga after this journal to make up for it.

I didn't really accomplish a ton today. But I did get the color finished on my grip-tape. The base color, that is. And... it's already affecting my grip. The raw grip tape has a much more grippy feel compared to the painted parts... and the whole board is going to be painted. I guess I don't really have a problem with it, I just need to get used to it... and it definitely won't be able to stand up to rain even a little bit. But I got the gold and the deep crimson done. Now, all I have to do is shading and start adding in detail.

I think its important for me to make art that is destined to be temporary. This grip tape art will deteriorate. I will "ruin" it. That's kinda... part of the deal. And that's expected. It's super counter-intuitive with today's materialistic society where we feel compelled to hoard every fleeting Tweet for decades... for some reason... So this piece is much more than just a pretty design. It's me deliberately making something beautiful that I know will eventually succumb to the elements over time. And to embrace and love that as an act of life and art within itself. An exercise in letting go of attachment.

I also fucked around with making shapes and mandala designs in Magic, the music visualizer program I use. I wanted to make it so that I had a mandala that mirrors each shape... the kaleidoscope effect and all that... but each shape can be individually controlled, with its mirrors changing as well. Separating the shapes and manually mirroring was really just a matter of math, so that wasn't the end of the world. What I've been struggling with is making organic shapes. All of the mandalas I make use organic kinda floral shapes. I'm not really sure how to make these shapes in the program I'm using.

It might be worth making assets in a different program - like Blender - then bringing them into Magic for the visualization process. That leads me to the thought... I could just make 3D shapes, modelled in Blender. That brings me back to an idea I've been tossing around for weeks - the idea of making a 3D mandala. I read that in certain practices and schools of spirituality, mandalas are depictions of the palaces of heaven from a bird's eye view. I don't know how widespread this is, but the idea did hit me to... make a mandala the way I usually do in Blender... then model it into a 3D structure. I think that could be cool.

Anyway, that's kinda where I'm at. Beads are on the backburner as I let their wood treatment cure. Just kinda... working on the grip tape and planning on doing clothes next.

Yep, that's it for today. No existential deep-dive. No venting about society or my neighbors. Just a quiet low-key day of watching/listening to YouTube videos and painting on the floor. Could use more of them, honestly.